thintiny

[thintiny]

Oops, I took laxatives for a week and now I've made myself sick.

[thintiny]

I used to wish to be sick, like really really sick, just to lose some weight. I don't know if this makes sense, but I hoped that I would get some deadly disease that would somehow make me lose weight.

[thintiny]

Today was kind of shitty, I did what I was told to do and went to see a specialist regarding my weight. This person basically told me that my weight loss goals are not possible and now I am disappointed. I was ready to get on this new journey and now I just feel sad and like the only option left is surgery and I don't know what else to do.

I am just done.

[thintiny]

My heart aches for the person I was when I was 16.

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Has anyone ever noticed that whenever you start accepting your body no matter how imperfect it is, people around you become uncomfortable.

It is as if they will be comfortable as long as you hate yourself, but whenever you start kind of accepting yourself then you become a problem.

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Why should I feel ashamed and disgusted for existing in my body?

Why is it that people feel entitled to talk about my body as if it is a problem I need to solve?

Why do they assume that just because I am fat I am not eating healthy food?

Why do they feel that's it's okay to comment on my weight, or anybody else's for that matter, when it only worsens my mental health?

Why do I have to hide myself and adjust to what people expect to see from me in order to feel comfortable with themselves?

Why do they think they are superior to me because we have different bodies?

Why do they think they can call me stupid just because I'm fat?

Just, why?

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It's unfair that industries get rich making you hate yourself.

[thintiny]

James Corden Responds to Bill Maher’s Fat Shaming Take 

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I just need to talk about fatphobia real quick, but the argument I see again and again os "if you're obese that's a problem" ok, and if someone has scoliosis, you'd be an asshole to continually bring it up, and an even bigger asshole if you made fun of them for it. its abelist to tell an obese person that they are obese. and if they aren't obese, its none of anyone's fucking buissness, and you'd be trivializing obesity which is also abelist. fatphobia is abelist and has no excuse. it doesn't help anyone, however it dies contribute to people's anorexia, one of the most deadly mental illnesses! so fuck you murderers! if you fat shame leave!

[thintiny]

I want everyone but especially parents to understand that if you make your child feel like they're ugly because of their weight they're not gonna magically feel confident about their body after they lose that weight

Like my mom took me to a dieting program when I was nine years old (yes nine) with an attitude of "we're doing this to be pretty be able to wear a bikini" and then when I was 14 she asked me why I don't wear crop tops.

The answer is because I learned at a young age from everyone around me that only certain (read: skinny) people can show off their stomach and never saw myself as "thin enough".

Because it didn't make me gain confidence in my body- it made me lose it.

My point is that if you make negative comments about your kid's weight they're going to internalize this into adulthood.

(yes even if you don't tell them outright that they're ugly for being fat they'll still understand it as such. You're not as subtle as you think and apparently forgot that society did tell them that directly)

[thintiny]

normal people seeing someone they're attracted to: 😳😍🥰

me seeing someone i'm attracted to: i am hideous and unworthy of anyone's attention. nature hates me and i am an abomination. i wish i were dead

[thintiny]

if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘food’ labeling some good, some bad as i assign moral value to this grain of rice i might say ‘numbers’ counting, measuring, tracking calories, sizes, BMIs allthetimecalculating everysinglething if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘beauty’ complete devotion, idolization of the western standard begging for others’ envy i might say ‘attention’ desperately needing someone anyone, to notice me at all to see that i am unwell, to care if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘control’ the sick, sick result of discipline gone sour a curdling obsession i might say ‘guilt’ over being too big too plain too comfortable too needy too me if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘anger’ hating the injustice of living hating everything, everyone including myself i might say ‘pain’ a way to transpose the scars of my soul onto the body aching for congruence if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘minimalism’ my mind whirls like a run-on sentence and i can’t stand being wasteful so no thank you i don’t need anything at all really i might say ‘self-righteousness’ i’m parading the streets, declaring my holier-than-thouness because hey look! i’m better at dying than you if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘expectations’ i’ve been naturally small my entire life and now, but now i lose myself when i grow i might say ‘childhood’ reverting to my prepubescent body no breasts and when sex was just a word muddled with giggles if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say ‘addiction’ a habit that can’t be kicked craving the buzz, the high of manipulating my insides i might say ‘death’ i’m not that happy anyway so why not drive my body to the edge, tempting it to quit? if you asked me what my eating disorder is about i might say nothing because i do not know it’s not like it matters because you don’t ask because you don’t know either

—i don’t know, you don’t know, no one knows // 01.22.18

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3 months

It takes 3 months to make a drastic change to your appearance. By September you can be at your goal weight. By October you can dress in that Halloween costume you were waiting to wear until you lost the weight. By November you can wear big sweaters and cute socks and look ADORABLE. By December you can actually enjoy the holidays and not be concerned about that extra fat you used to carry around. By January, you can cross out “lose weight” from your New Year’s resolution because you were disciplined enough to get to your goal weight a long time ago. Just imagine where you could be if you just stick to your plans for the next 3 months.

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i feel so invalid

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I started struggling with my weight when I was born, I weighed 7.8 pounds and my ped told my mother that I should only drink "low fat milk". The rest is just an endless cycle of me being fat shamed constantly, I have heard almost anything.

There was this time, when I was around 4 or 5 when kids didn't want to be friends with me because I was the fat kid.

Or when my aunt bought for me a twix bar and told me to 'eat tiny pieces' so that I would not get fatter.

Also that time when my other aunt took me on a walk and told me that I needed to exercise because I was simply a 'fat fuck'.

When I was on second grade and girls started asking me how much I weighted, and for the first time I compared my, much higher, weight to the weight of my classmates.

Or that time I went to the doctor when I was 8 to get a flu shot or something, and she refused to give me a lolly because I was 'too fat'.

The time I was 9 and I got sick, they took me to the doctor and he told me that if I was that fat nobody would ever love me.

Or that time when another doctor told me that if I didn't lose weight they would have to feed me with a tube.

Mind you through all this episodes I was just about 15 or 16 pounds above the ideal weight for my age.

Also there was that time when I was about 10 that two girls from my class asked me how much I weighted and before I had the chance to answer they said "500 tons".

Anyway, when I was 12 I began my first official diet. And thankfully I lost the extra weight but then I gained it all back and with a little extra.

There was one day when I was in middle school that I needed to stand in front of the class and I couldn't fit through the space to get to the front because a couple of my classmates had moved their chairs so they could chat, and everyone laughed at me.

Or when I started a new diet and my aunt told me that I needed to lose weight because I wasn't pretty enough.

I began purging and restricting my meals but that didn't last long, and I thought I was a complete failure because I couldn't have a proper E.D.

By the time I was 15 I had been in more diets than I can count, and I ended up with a new doctor who ran all the necessary tests and told me that my thyroid was not normal but not necessarily 'functiong'.

I started taking amphetamines, with a prescription, and I started losing weight again. Before going with this doctor I weighted 175 pounds and I managed to get to 142 pounds and I was elated.

Then due to some financial issues I had to cut off the meds, stopped visiting the doctor and even though I tried to continue the diet it was kind of expensive so...

But then I got it all back, and then my parents started restricting the food I was allowed to eat and then I would sneak food into my room and binged.

I finished high school weighting about 170 pounds.

I started college and in my first semester I gained about 10 pounds.

Before my second semester started my grandma gave me laxatives and she told me that that would make me pretty.

I decided not to take them, I was starting a somewhat strict exercise regime and I was faithful that I would lose weight with that.

I lost almost nothing and then one day I was fighting with my mother and she told me that I was a cow, and so I decided to start taking them, honestly how could they hurt me?

I lost a ton of weight in a really short amount of time, seriously in one month I went from 180 pounds to almost 165 and it was showing.

I spent that summer far away from home and I stopped taking laxatives but I managed to get to 150 pounds.

When I went back home I got it all back, I had been struggling with depression during my teenage years and just before my second year of college I had a terrible episode and yeah, that happened.

During those months I also changed my hair and became much more quiet. It was a really bad time but I managed to get through it.

Then before the second half of my second year I was Christmas shopping with my family and my mom was discussing something with one of my aunts and the conversation was something like this.

'Well if x (my cousin) is so stressed, why doesn't she stop doing gymnastics?' asked my mother and then my aunt said something like 'She needs to excercise I don't want her to look like her (me).'

Also fun fact this conversation happened right in front of me, and yeah I almost started crying.

The second half was pretty good I started with amphetamines again and I lost some weight but I couldn't keep it off, I lost one pound and the next week o had two more.

By that time I just simply gave up, everyone around me was talking about my weight, making it obvious that I was not normal so I just stopped trying.

Of course I would get episodes where I would be extremely healthy and eat what I had to ear excercise and all that but they wouldn't last long.

I tried fasting, detox, juices, even laxatives once again, and nothing happened and I just hated myself more and more everyday.

And then I got an internship in audit (pretty weird for a person who is fat) but I managed and then when I was in a course the lady said something that lightly resembles 'fat people will never be as formal looking or as trustworthy as skinny people' and I've tried to forget that.

I really did, but well she said that looking straight at me so, that kinda sucked.

Anyway I am now 23 years old, I have never dated anyone because as soon as I start liking someone I remember how I was constantly reminded that no one would ever love a fat person.

I ruined my teeth in hopes that my awful smile would distract people from my disgusting body, but now I just have another thing to hate myself for.

I have an Instagram with zero pictures because I can't bear to post anything and get absolutely zero likes.

I have an enormous fear of eating in front of people, because I know that if I eat too much they will judge me, if I eat too little they will judge me and if I eat something 'unhealthy' they will too.

I'm terrified of wearing tight clothes because everyone will be able to see the things I hate the most about myself.

I can't stand in front of a mirror because I never like what I see, the crooked smile and the fat belly, the ugly legs and the ugly arms, and all in all it just disgusts me.

I keep living and hoping that one day, I will be skinny and that I'll manage to look good but I feel as if that won't ever happen.

And I'm just tired of living like this, of feeling worthless and sad and ugly and disgusting because my whole life has been a constant cycle of me being called fat and going on diets and being fat and I'm just done.

[thintiny]

fat ;(

So i was sorting out my wardrobe today and came across some jeans and other stuff that i bought in 2018/2019. I didn’t fucking FIT into them anymore. Fuck this shit. 

I feel so disgusted.. how could i let myself get so ugly and obese and fat. I hate myself i wish i would just die.

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I.'m getting fatter and fatter every day.

And i look fatter and fatter.

Fucking tummy and legs.