theworldthroughanxietieseye-blog

[theworldthroughanxietieseye-blog]

[theworldthroughanxietieseye-blog]

Потому что в этом доме только одна звезда…

[theworldthroughanxietieseye-blog]

The world through my eyes

I don’t know if anyone will even bother reading this or care what i have to say but i think it’s time to speak up about some of my most personal thoughts, feelings and experiences i’ve had through the years. Why do i feel the need to do this? The answers simple, because i want to help others. There are a lot of people out there who go through and are/will go through the same struggles i have and i want to show anyone who may come across this blog that they’re not alone. Far from it in fact. If i could comfort even just one person who may feel alone and or is struggling to cope with the realities of life living with mental health then this will all be worth it.  I’ll start with a brief run down of my life over the past 10 years.  I’m 20 years old and it all started back in the autumn of 2008. I was barely 12, just started secondry school and was sitting in assembly at the end of my school day. What happened next seems so silly and insignificant but really it was a hallmark that changed my life forever.  It was like something went off in my brain. One minute i was normal (if there’s such a thing) care free and completely ignorant to many of the realities of life, the next.. well you’ll see.  It started off as a normal day, straightening my hair in the morning, putting on a thin layer of mascara and walking out the front door. The rest of the day was very typical for one at school. Lessons, Lunch, messing around with friends. We had assembly at the very end of the day which by this point i thought i was adjusting. It was a little daunting to say the least going from a school of just 250 students to almost 2,000. In assemblies there would be at least 400-500 people in one room. I was never really one bothered by crowds and was fairly laid back as a child but all that was about to change. I’d been sitting down for no more than 5 minutes in the hall when all of a sudden i had this terrifying thought that i hadn’t been for a pee all day and i was now BURSTING. When i say bursting, i mean i was squirming in my seat, squeezing my thighs together as hard as i could, my palms sweating profusely. What was about 15 minutes felt like an eternity. I really thought i was going to wet myself. Right there in front of 500 people. I experienced what i can only describe as my first panic attack that i had to control as much as possible (one of the hardest things i’ve ever done.) I swear the whole time i was so close to getting up and running out of the room. When it did finally come to an end after what i can only describe as torture i bolted out of the room past the students in front of me. I can still remember the feeling of the cool air hitting me and feeling a beautiful relief. As you could imagine i raced to the toilet as i thought that’s where i so desperately needed to go but when i got there the urge to go to the toilet completely went away leaving me dumb founded. I walked home shortly after in a bit of a daze and shock of what i’d just experienced. I couldn’t wrap my head around why i felt the way i did and why my urge to urinte just disappeared. Being a naive 11 year old i had no clue that i’d just experienced my first panic attack and just put it down to one fluke experience. I found it so hard to talk about any of these experiences or admit it to anyone for the longest time because i felt so embarrassed and silly.. the last thing i wanted was to be seen as pathetic, even though i now know i was anything but. It was a situation that i hoped i would never have to face again but unfortunately i did.. more times then i could count. It left me fearing assemblies to the point where i started to fear the days we had them and eventually the lessons right before. Needless to say it got to a point eventually where i just stopped going to school all together as the same feeling began to effect the whole day, but those details i’ll save for another day. Anyhow after reaching my limits with the stress school bought i didn’t attend school for 6 months. I only went back for a year after being pressured by just about everyone but it took a LOT of support and training, which was very gradual and ended up being pointless as once more i couldn’t handle the stress and dropped out of school at 14 for good. I started home schooling but eventually became too anxious for that too during which i started underage drinking and experimenting with drugs during my struggles with my new and very scary reality. I lost peoples respect for lack of understanding of my illness, (sadly mostly those closest to me.) I went through so much isolation and loneliness which after years led to a full blown breakdown where i went through the single most hardest and terrifying time of my life in which i suffered psychosis to the point i didn’t sleep for 2 months and came very close to ending my life. During that time i tried 5 different antidepressants and every sedative known to man which i don’t need to tell you gave me all kinds of side effects. It was only after taking Lorazapam along with the highest dose of my antidepressants that things finally started to calm down. Things started to go up from there thank god. I am now engaged to the most amazing man who helped turn a lot of things around for me but has mainly given me hope.  I hope to restore hope in those individuals who have experienced similar things to me and who feel like there’s little hope for them in the future like i once did. Things do get better. My journey is proof. Bit by bit i’ll share my darkest most personal moments with you and go into detail about different events in my life. It will include pain, heartbreak, change, growth, strength and tears but it’s a journey i know too many of us go through and not all of us come out of. All i have to say to you out there reading this who may have had similar experiences to me is don’t give up. I know it’s easy to forget about how beautiful life is when you’ve lived in the shadows for so long and sometimes the lack of beauty you see makes you give up hope but you have to remember that you control your own life. You have to be the one to help yourself get better.