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thethoughtsofatrueknot · 3 years

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Too Many Notes

It amazes me that at 48 years old I can still be surprised by other people.

I thought that once I had finished out with middle school and high school that the typical behaviours associated with people of that age would be finished too. I am constantly reminded how sickeningly untrue that is.

I have made the discovery repeatedly that folks aren't concerned with what is right. They are concerned with not being at fault, and winning a situation. The level of narcissism and lack of empathy that accompanies those goals are astronomically large, and usually either unnoticed by the perpetrator, or denied directly by the perpetrator. Once a barrier goes up, or someone else comes to the end of their line because of someone acting in this way, the verbal and emotional lashing begins, and regardless of the harm being done, it continues until that person feels as though they have won the situation, either by alienating the person completely or breaking that person down to the point where the back away from their resolve.

Social media and texting have made these behaviours exponentially easier because no one has to actually think about the effects of what they're saying are having on the person they're saying them to, but also it makes it easier for someone to dismiss those horrible things for some reason. It is really distressing to watch people verbally assault each other, and if you happen to be unlucky enough to somehow get wrangled into it when you have nothing to do with it- it's even worse. Then, even though there's nothing you can do to solve the problems being presented, you're essentially forced to watch and listen as people who you thought you understood say and do things that completely boggle your mind, and you then find that you no longer understand those people. If also, for some reason, someone within the situation tries to throw you under the bus and turn you into an enemy or part of the problem, you find that not only do you not understand them anymore, but you also now do not trust them anymore. It's scary, but also terribly sad.

In my mind I can not fathom saying something so abhorrent to someone I have purported to love, then in a day or so just float out some excuse or haphazard apology for it and expect all to be forgiven. In my mind, if someone is willing to say hateful and cruel things to another person or lie straight to another person, especially if that someone previously claimed to love and appreciate or respect that person- that tells me that the person is willing to hurt, lie and manipulate literally anyone to get themselves out of trouble, no matter the collateral or direct damage. To me, that person can not be trusted with anything, ever.

So what done one do? What happens when people you believed you could trust suddenly make you painfully aware how untrustworthy they are? Even worse, fearing that one day you'll wake up a villain in the story without even knowing it, only because they threw you under the bus to save themselves from self responsibility?

I don't have an answer. I am consumed by thoughts of how to handle it, but without trust in the people, it seems like of a waste of energy.

I am so tired of people being mean to each other. I am so tired of people turning on each other.

I am tired of selfishness, lies, blameshifting, gaslighting.....

It all makes me sick. I want to take away everyone's mobile phones and computers and watch these people try to do these things to someone's face on the regular. They'll most likely do it all anyway, but hopefully they'll take the pain they have inflicted on other people into their nightmares a bit more heavy.

If they can do it and say it, you can feel it and live with it, and they should. With all the hatred and awfulness in the world now, how on earth could people treat those who really love them this way? It is so flippant and irresponsible, and completely dismissive of the blessing of having someone there who truly loves you.

There are no excuses for it, ever.

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thethoughtsofatrueknot · 3 years

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thethoughtsofatrueknot · 3 years

Text

Too Many Notes

It amazes me that at 48 years old I can still be surprised by other people.

I don't have an answer. I am consumed by thoughts of how to handle it, but without trust in the people, it seems like of a waste of energy.

I am so tired of people being mean to each other. I am so tired of people turning on each other.

I am tired of selfishness, lies, blameshifting, gaslighting.....

There are no excuses for it, ever.

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thethoughtsofatrueknot · 3 years

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I can feel my brain frying

Having brain cancer is weird. You would think that the idea that there is cancer in my brain would be the thing that is the freakiest about this entire situation, but for me it isn't. The freakiest thing to me thus far into this bollocks are the sub-symptoms. The side effects of medications, chemotherapy, radiation, etc. Even just the side effects from the tumour being where it is in my brain- it reminds me every minute of every day how connected and co-dependent everything in my body is. One thing triggers another thing, triggers another thing....it just seems to have no limit.

There are times I have seizures so bad that I break out chunks of my teeth, sometimes I hurt myself severely during them- once I fell and cracked my pelvis. Sometimes I lose track of where I am, sometimes what I'm doing, even who I am. I ill wake up with no sight, and it takes a good stretch of the day to regain all of my available sight back. I sometimes shake uncontrollably, I'll have tiny little jerks throughout my body, migraines, nausea, vomiting....it just goes on and on. It's one of the most bizarre experiences of my life to date, and although I wish it wasn't happening, I have resigned to focus on learning from it. I made the decision that I will not expect anything less of myself than to not only continue trying to live a life I can feel good about, but also be grateful for that life every second and not let myself become consumed with it. I don't want this thing to get comfortable in me, so I treat it like that friend who's just been sleeping on your sofa for too long. I don't want to be, and will not be defined by it. That simply gives the bastard far too much space in my life, and that's not okay with me.

I am very tired though. I am tired more of the impact it all has, not only on me but on everyone around me who try so much to help me. David devotes so much of his time to looking after me and keeping me safe and well, I know there's no gun to his head, he's making the choice to for his own reasons- but inevitably I feel like a burden to not just him, but everyone who goes out of their way for me.

I know what you're thinking. I understand it- but being on the receiving end of so much grace and generosity makes me feel the way it would most likely make you feel also. We all react that way, mostly out of a combination of misguided and ill taught egotism and self imposed shame and guilt. Humans are prone to emotional self flogging, it's true...awareness of the fact I feel that helps me guide it, but it never eliminates it. I have taken care of myself for so long, I don't want to have to stop now.

My depth of appreciation is also boundless and vast, which makes it unbelievably difficult to convey to others, so I always feel as though I am falling short of showing my appreciation for their kindness, which is unchuffing, to say the least.

Regardless, I am trying to re-learn how to be a regular entity. After all these years of shite recently, this kind of kindness and selflessness being directed toward me is hard to know what to do with. Just the idea there are people in the world who reach out and talk to me because they genuinely are concerned with my well being is totally foreign to me, so adjustments are being made to create space in me to accept it.

I'm hoping this is something I can eradicate. I have so many reasons to be glad to be alive.

Miles before I sleep........

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thethoughtsofatrueknot · 3 years

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Rambling up and down

These past couple of years have been interesting, right? There have been so many things gone on, with so much chaos and misinformation, it’s really no wonder everyone feels this bizarre blind confusion. Human nature teaches us to cling to what we know, which most of the time is the complete wrong thing to do, especially when what we know is polluted with whatever life experience has exposed us to. Our rules and defenses can be useful, but not necessarily helpful. It seems to me that currently we humans are having this ongoing battle with ourselves, being forced out of our comfort zones and into the unfamiliar territory of forced change and forced compliance with events out of our control. Nothing frustrates humans more than being told what to do, and when you can’t just drop your wrench, say fook this and go home....it’s no wonder the world feels like a big stinky trashcan of poop right now.

I’m not heartless- quite the opposite, but the state of the human race is sickening to me. Even within my understanding of the collateral damage of current events I can’t wrap my mind around how humans have responded to it. I’m not even speaking of the riots, the political vomit, “new feminism” or being “woke”- It repels me to see how disconnected we have all become. Social media, the internet and mobile phones were supposedly created and designed to bring us all closer together, but as with anything that has nearly no boundaries, we as a society took it and abused it. Now, no one can look each other in the eyes anymore. Personal responsibility has become virtually non-existent, and folks now use social media and texting as a way to spout out any old thing they like at other people, knowing the consequences are few. Person to person relativity has become vastly more crucial and sought after by the few that have come to realise this molestation of humanity; and yet still, things are not always as they appear to be, even when we wish with all our might they could be. However, for the extremely fortunate, we have the ability to find the blessing in it all.

Life itself. Life itself is the blessing. I know that sounds like a cliche meme, and people say it all the time....but living it is another thing entirely, and truly feeling and recognising it is yet another separate entity in itself. Being grateful, it’s a full time experience, not only when you are presented with something obvious to be grateful for. It’s so easy to feel grateful when something is bestowed to you, but to feel truly grateful for the breaths you take takes a deeper and more disciplined focus on what is actually before you every second of life. It’s true that sometimes existing is all you can do, but that in itself is a staggering blessing, and to recognise that well inside of oneself rather that complaining about all the other things you can not do helps to clarify precisely where a person’s gratitude should reside. At times it seems as though the universe is taking a big giant crap in our faces, with one shite thing after another polluting our perfectly constructed image we have created on our own of what our lives should be doing- but in truth, we are in the universe’s ball game, and we don’t write the rule book for it. Our lot in life is to adapt, adopt and improve, but not on the universe. We are ultimately responsible for ourselves, whether we like to admit it or not. With almost no effort whatsoever we can come up with excuses for what we do, what we say, how we feel....humans pluck them out of the air at random, choosing the right excuse to deliver in just the right way, to the right person. With those we find some justified solace in being neglective, flippant, forgetful, rude and inconsistent. If someone has an opinion that falls out of acceptable “social boundaries” then they are shaming, which pretty much allows for no one to have an actual valid alternate perspective at all, which is the same as brainwashing in a sense. What a world it would be if we all just grew to learn from each other and accept our differences rather than persecuting one another for them.

Try being thankful for something you consider mundane. Be grateful you have your breath. Be HONESTLY grateful. It fills you up with a feeling of invincibility, as though no karma slap or supermarket douchebag can touch you, even on what feels like your worst day. Everything has an ending, even us- what we do not have are page numbers or chapters to tell us when the end is near, and bluntly speaking, what happens after we’re dead is utterly irrelevant to being here now. Those things are totally different, and have no real relation to each other unless we deliberately create one. Our afterlives are not simply sitting around waiting for us to die.

What if there was nothing else? What if what we do here, is it? If you knew positively without any doubt, would you behave differently in life?

For me, it matters not. I will embrace whatever happens after I die, but I will cross that bridge when I arrive to it. I am interested in my life, who I am, what I do, and every single tiny little thing that happens to me while I’m on this weird arse planet. I will contribute by allowing my soul the grace of dignified enthrallment and constant amazement in what this universe really is.

It is a miracle in itself, and I am lucky enough to be here to witness it.

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