thestrugglebusworksforusnow

[thestrugglebusworksforusnow]

Silver Springs

Word of the day: Guilty

It felt like a normal day. He woke up at 7 am, showered, ate the eggs his partner made for him and drank the coffee they poured, left by exactly 7:45 am, and got to work at 9 am. His work went by smoothly. So smoothly he thought we was going to get to go home early that day. That is, until his coworker asked if he wanted to get drinks after work, to which he said, “Sure.” 

No one knows that they are going to do something bad when the day starts. No one wakes up and feels in their bones or their soul that they will make a mistake. If they did, people would never make mistakes. 

When he messaged his partner that he would be home late because he was going out to the bar with his coworkers, all his partner messaged back was, “Ok.” He didn’t want to read into what his partner said, but he couldn’t help but think they didn’t want him to go. He had been invited to spend time with his coworkers outside of work before, and when his partner replied the same way, he would usually tell the group that he decided not to go, go home, and when his partner asked why he was home when he said he was going out, he would tell them that they group decided to raincheck. It was only when he would see them and realize that they are, in fact, not upset, would he regret not going. 

This time, however, he decided he wasn’t going to overthink his partner’s answer and have fun. 

Just like the day, being at the bar felt normal. He was the first one there. He ordered the sweetest drink the bartender could make, something that tasted fruity and tropical. His coworkers showed up just a few minutes later and ordered their own drinks. They took up about half of the chairs that lined the bar and they were being relatively quiet for being a part of a group. About 20 minutes into sitting there, someone who he could not tell, ordered a round of shots. 

He knew he shouldn’t take it, but the bartender went out of their way to pour the shot for him and to pour his chaser, and someone is paying for it, so it would be wrong if he didn’t take it. As the straight liquor flowed roughly down his throat, he thought about what his partner was doing. Were they watching TV? Were they walking the dog? Were they wondering what he was doing at that moment? Were they angry that he was out? 

His thoughts were interrupted by the person sitting next to him. It was his coworker that invited him out. She asked him if he was having fun. He didn’t notice the flirty tone at first, so he replied normally, “Yeah, definitely,” with a tight, obviously fake smile. She looked at him unconvinced, and turned to the bartender to order a round of shots for the two of them. He reluctantly took it, but only because the bartender went out of their way to pour the shot and the chaser and his co-worker was buying him the shot, so it would be wrong if he didn’t take it. He did admit to himself, though, that it made him feel a little less in his head. 

After the third round of shots for the two of them, they got into a great conversation about music. Apparently both of their parents played Fleetwood Mac around the house so much to the point they could both recite all of Rumors. As their conversation started to move to movies, ‘Silver Springs’ started to play through the bar speakers. They looked at each other with shocked, but excited expressions on their faces. They got up from their chairs (after their fifth round of shots), and started dancing around. Their group looked at them and laughed, but ended up joining them nonetheless. 

When the song ended, a song came on that he didn’t know, so he stopped dancing and went back to the bar, the smile he had at the beginning of the song had yet to fade and stayed as he took another sip of his drink. His coworker walked over to him, the smile on her face mirroring his. He noticed she was looking at him longer than she was before the song started. Or was he looking at her longer? Before he could think anything of it, she asked again if he was having fun. This time, his smile got bigger and more genuine, and he replied, “Most definitely.” She didn’t hide the fact that she was staring at him this time, but for a reason that he could not explain, he didn’t mind and stared at her back. 

The moment was interrupted by a coworker of theirs’ ordering the fifth(?) round of shots. He took it without thinking of the bartender going out of their way to pour anything or whoever paid for the shots, He wanted the shot. And the next one. 

He couldn’t remember the moments that lead up to the mistake. He remembered laughing so hard and talking so much his jaw felt sore. He remembered ordering another drink. He remembered talking to her the entire time. He remembered them getting closer as they talked. He also remembered thinking that she had the same yellow specks in her eyes as his partner did. 

He couldn’t, however, remember who made the first move and close the space between them. 

He couldn’t remember if he paid his tab or got his card back from the bartender. He couldn’t remember where he put his car keys, so he got an Uber. He knew he had to tell his partner what happened. He vented to the driver about everything that happened that night. He knew he might not be making any sense because his head still felt fuzzy from the alcohol. 

He couldn’t tell how long the drive was. His stomach thought it lasted for an eternity, but his mind thought it was entirely too short. When he got out of the car, he felt his heart beating faster than it ever had before. He felt as if his head was going to explode if anymore thoughts entered it. He felt like he was going to pass out if his head became any fuzzier. 

Somehow, on the way to the elevator, his head was getting clear and less fuzzy, but it only made the thoughts so much more overwhelming. What is going to happen? How is he going to break the news? How are they going to take it? Is this the end of the relationship? How long before they tell him to move his things out? Is he going to have to sleep on someone’s couch? Who’s couch? Who would take the dog? Would his partner be okay joint- 

When the elevator doors opened to his floor, he stepped out of habit, but wished he stayed in. Their apartment was only a couple of doors down from the elevator and his thoughts continued to overwhelm his mind during the short walk to the door. He realized as he got closer to their apartment that there was music coming from behind their door. As he listened closer, he heard his partner’s voice singing along to the song that was playing. It took him a moment to figure out what the song was, but when he did, his heart dropped. 

I’ll follow you down ‘til the sound of my voice will haunt you. 

It felt as if the song was mocking him. The song he grew up listening to and loving felt like every note was stabbing him in the stomach over and over again. 

You’ll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you. 

His partner’s voice got louder and more passionate. 

His heart beat faster and faster. 

His head pounded. 

His thoughts went wild. 

They know. 

They know what happened. 

His head started to pound so hard that he was opening the door to tell his partner to turn down the music before he even realized what he was doing. Before he knew it, he was inside the apartment and looking at his partner. They were doing the dishes and dancing to a song that isn’t usually danced to. Except it was danced to. Earlier that night. He was dancing with someone else. 

They know. 

They know. 

They know. 

Whe, the song finally ended, he felt as if his mind was almost empty. As soon as his eyes locked on his partner’s, the thoughts and the pounding in his head came back instantly. 

“Hey! I didn’t hear you come in, “ his partner cheerily said. 

They know. 

“How was it?” 

They have to know. 

“Honey?” His partner walked closer. 

They deserve to know. 

“Honey? Are you okay?” His partner put their hand on his cheek, getting him out of his trance. 

As he really looked at his partner, he saw the specks of yellow in their eyes. How could he ever think anyone has the same shade as theirs’? How could he ever look at anyone the same way he looks at his partner? 

Tell them what happened. 

After another moment of admiring them for possibly the last time, finally opened his mouth to speak. 

“Yeah. I’m fine. Tonight was fun.”

[thestrugglebusworksforusnow]