thesinglepoly

[thesinglepoly]

“My goal is not to remain the same but to live in such a way that each day, year, moment, relationship, conversation, and crisis is the material I use to become a true, more beautiful version of myself” - Glennon Doyle “Untamed” My first ever blog post was about my 4 core values. I still strongly believe in them. But I recently realised after a number of relationship struggles that I forgot the good part, the fun part. No horny buggers, I don’t mean the sexy time, not that that isn’t also amazing! I mean joy and happiness! It’s all well and good to be true and authentic, but if you’re miserable. What’s the point?! I have always contended that I am forever a work in progress, and as Glennon says above, I use all my experiences to create an improved, more authentic version of myself. With this in mind and for those following along at home, you might notice I have added to my original core values. Openness - At this point in time, most likely because of my recent experiences, is the important of my values. I want my partners to be transparent with me and clearly express their needs. Hurting my feelings is not a good enough excuse to hold back. I'm a big girl leading a complicated life. I can take it. So speak up! Trust - Blindly trusting another person is just stupid. You come first. Always. So speak up! Honesty - Yes, I do mean everything. People argue that there is such a thing as too much honesty, but then someone has to set some arbitrary upper limit. And just like labels and definitions, everyone has a different view. I would much prefer someone give me complete honesty and allow me to process it. So speak up! Consent - The unknown unknowns, that thing is your sub-conscious that is secretly sabotaging you. That part of you that says its ok to bring your play partner into your home and life and friendships. Ultimately you will reach the "knowing" its actually not ok, because we are all works in process. And because we are, our relationship dynamic will shift constantly, but you need to have that discussion with all parties. So speak up! #polyamory #consensualnonmonogamy #singlepoly #corevalues #joy #speakup #trueandauthentic #untamed https://www.instagram.com/p/CNEbs5zB-cB/?igshid=3jqve0gs5gy1

[thesinglepoly]

2020, COVID and iso had put a whole new test of relating and dating. A lot of our connection time is now restricted to virtual interactions. Dating apps are introducing new video date services. Introductions are made via phone calls or Facetime. Those already in long-distance relationships have already got remote dating down to an art form already. So we know that sex and sexuality shouldn’t have to suffer just because your chosen snuggle/bumping uglies buddy is always accessible. For some, the idea of sexting, racy nudes or mutual play on video feels icky and in no way sensual. You do you, boo. It might be solo poly at the way for you. There is something profoundly intimate in connecting like this remotely that transcends anything you would experience IRL or solo. But first let's cover so ground rules: 1. Consent, consent, CONSENT: applies just as if you were there in person. ALWAYS ask first. Never assume 2. Typically bits and faces should not be in the same photo. While the paparazzi won't make us much money on you as did with JLaw's nudes, but remove the risk of exposure. Sexy face in one photo, gorgeous bosoms in the next. 3. Accept that your photos may at some point be shared with other and enter the public realm. If you are not comfortable with this, don't do it. 4. I personally am a dick pic connoisseur; I love a good dick pic (that is a not an invitation to flood my inbox btw). But some people don't, and that's a-ok. There are other sexy photos you can send instead. 5. Commit to sexting. If you send one sext, be prepared to enter a session. Sexting is all about the flow. Sending sexts hours apart is just "blue-balls style" frustrating. 6. Agree rules for online play in advance. Are you sharing just faces, or just genitals? Are you getting nude? Are the kids in bed and the door locked? Share what you like, ask for what you want. Explore this new dimension. #sendmorenudes #sexpositive #sexiniso #sexcovid #longdistance https://www.instagram.com/p/CG35ddRJ7-u/?igshid=1370y8vo7lw6u

[thesinglepoly]

Couples Privilege – oh yeah, I am opening this can of worms. Now, I know this topic will likely be divisive. But my core values include transparency/openness, and honesty, so I think it is important sometimes to have the tough conversation! But also, couples’ privilege was one of the initial driving forces behind the creation of The Single Poly, and I was reminded of this just recently. It was renewed by drive to promote singles/solos in the lifestyle after a short hiatus. Now admittedly, couples’ privilege is not specifically limited to non-monogamy, underpinned by this normative notion that "coupledom" is the ideal relationship state. Certainly, there are practical everyday things that ARE easier as a duo: paying the bills; splitting the restaurant check; starting a family; learning to tango. Economics of scale exist even at two people. Some things are great as a single. However in a non-monogamous space, couples’ privilege takes on a completely new dimension, as per Aggie's post on solopoly.net: "Couple privilege: In the context of non-monogamous relationships and communities, this is the presumption that socially recognized or sanctioned pair bonds (such as marriage or other forms of primary life partnership) take precedence over, and are more important or valid than, other intimate/romantic/sexual relationships. This prioritization occurs by default and does not warrant negotiation or consent." In my experience as the outside party, I have experienced that decisions are made on my behalf or without my due consideration, my time and energy is not always equal in validity, and my needs and wants are subordinate to all. I also realistically shoulder a large amount of the relationship risk – they have their partner to support and comfort them, I had to learn to self-soothe; I build new friendships, but run the risk of ultimate ostracization; and in the public sphere, I stand in the shadows. For the most part, I have made my peace with this. But it still warrants discussion. Discourse is vital to acceptance and change. #couplesprivilege #singlepoly #solopoly #polyamory #relationships https://www.instagram.com/p/CG31BkQJHjK/?igshid=11zxddfk5yyg8

[thesinglepoly]

What is your fantasy? Do you even have a fantasy? What sparked your fantasy? Have you discussed your fantasy with others? Would you pursue your fantasy irl or do you prefer it in the realm of your mind? I would love for people to share their fantasies and perspectives with me. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. #fantasy #sexpositive #sharingiscaring #sexualfantasy https://www.instagram.com/p/CFmAAJ6pSo0/?igshid=1lu2io9ycim4h

[thesinglepoly]

If you remove the limits and constriction of this belief, and consider that the capacity to love could in fact be infinite, we could free ourselves from that possessiveness and believe that it will be maintained or replaced by the generosity of our universe. “When we learn to recognise and welcome love as we find it in our hearts and in all of its many and marvellous manifestations - sexual love, familial love, friendly love, passionate love, gentle love, overwhelming love, caretaking love, and millions of others - we discover a river of nourishment that can flow through our lives in a constantly replenishing stream." (The Ethical Slut). Polyamory is derived from the Greek poly meaning “many or several” and Latin amor meaning “love”. It is literally based of the belief that you can have many loves. Ultimately however, the freedom to experience the many facets of sex and love is liberating and energizing, and you may find that that energy spills over into your everyday life. I certainly have. For more insight into how, check out my new article. Link in my bio. I promise this one is PG rated… #loveisinfinite #love #polyamory #singlepoly #manyloves #starvationeconomy #enoughtogoaround #eros #sexuallove #intimacy https://www.instagram.com/p/CFl9bSGpP50/?igshid=1smkcb6hh00lo

[thesinglepoly]

What is fluid bonding? It is an agreement between two consenting partners to forgo protection in their sexual encounters with one another; to share “fluids”. It is normally agreed after a full panel of tests have been completed as well as discussions (and consent) with any other significant others. It typically implies that all other encounters outside would be sheathed and protected. It can be an alternative way of creating a special intimate bond with your partner, that distinguishes them from their other partners. It also implies complete trust that you will both adhere to protected encounters with others further deepening your connection. There are obviously inherent risks associated with fluid bonding, including STI transmission & pregnancy, so be sure you are fully aware of all the risks, developed contingencies and have full and enthusiastic (not forced) consent before proceeding. But I can tell you from experience, it’s pretty damn awesome! #fluidbonding #openrelating #nonmonogamy #polyamory #thesinglepoly #cumslut #sexploration https://www.instagram.com/p/CFS-gkopcRl/?igshid=1dzuts0wp1dg3

[thesinglepoly]

Equality within non-monogamous relationship structures is great in theory, but unrealistic in practice. Typically, but not always, there will a primary relationship, and one or more secondary partnerships alongside this. Note: I am using a hierarchical categorisation for context only. These relationships simply have different aims and intentions, and does not necessarily mean that they are less important or valued. A popular stance when first starting the open-relate is ensure everyone has the same thing - equal number of dates, not spending more time with someone than another etc. But everyone dates differently - you may prefer a series of playmates who stimulate your mind and your body, but whom you see irregularly, or you may prefer to have fewer but more intimate connections who you spend more time with. To remain equal, you spend so much time and effort balancing the scales, you use the magic of open-relating! A better goal would be fairness through agreement. Communicate dates/intentions beforehand and receive enthusiastic consent. Develop strategies for reconnecting after time apart. Check in on partners to reassure you’re still there, behind the couch. #polyamory #nonmonogamy #dating #thesinglepoly #fairnessoverequality https://www.instagram.com/p/CFS7-xlpcpQ/?igshid=1h7zet1a33xzi

[thesinglepoly]

Why must there exist this social stigma surrounding sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?   It is not only counterproductive in ensuring we practice safe sex and are tested regularly, but it can also have a harmful psychological impact on the infected.   There seems to be this inherent, yet completely irrational and incredibly destructive judgement that if you have contracted an STI that you are…dirty; irresponsible; damaged goods; slut…   But as I like to say, to assume makes an ASS of U and ME!   STIs are simply an infection like influenza or strep throat. In most cases, they can be resolved simply with antibiotics or at the very least, minimised with antivirals.   STIs can be asymptomatic and will only be detected through regularly testing. But perceived threat of backlash if you test positive is enough to deter people from testing, preferring to be blindly ignorant, & spreading their infection amongst subsequent partners.   STI contraction may be the result of an unfaithful partner in whom you thought you could trust.   STIs can be contracted regardless of if you are careful to regularly use protection. The only 100% foolproof method of protection is abstinence. (I'm not condoning you do away with all protection, but there is risk, however insignificant).   STIs are common. HPV for example infects about 80% of the sexually active population (according to the Cleveland Clinic).   STIs can be rare and therefore not routinely tested. M. Genitalium is a relatively new STI and is not routinely tested as part of a standard STI panel. Nor are throat or anal swabs regularly included.   We are active in encouraging everyone to become sexually empowered and own their right to sexual freedom, but with our next breath attack them for having the bad luck to become infected, subsequently damaged their newly found sexual confidence.    Your voice would be put to better use by advocating for better sex education; by encouraging safer sex practices; by asking to be tested on a regular basis; by having honest conversations with your sexual partners about your history and potential risks; by supporting a friend who has an STI.   #STI #sexualhealthmonth #sexnotstigma https://www.instagram.com/p/CFRi9N-BhgL/?igshid=nafipfmf376m

[thesinglepoly]

By far, this is the question I am asked the most? 'Don't you get jealous seeing your partner with someone?' Sure, sometimes. Sometimes, I'm envious. Sometimes, I feel compersion. Sometimes, I feel turned on. This is without doubt one of the biggest hurdle I have had to overcome in my pursuit of non-monogamy - unlearning my ingrained jealousy. My ever-wise partner Sav really helped bring this down for me, and has me break down the feeling: * Is it really jealousy or another emotion like envy? * What is the basis of the jealousy - is it fear of losing the connection? is it fear of missing out seeing your partner in a happy environment? is it fear of missing out? * What's the worst that can happen? And if it does, then so what? You cannot simply ignore jealousy - it is real, and it is your mind communicating that it is hurt and/or afraid, and needs reassurance. But you can reduce the power you let it have over you. You can connect with your partner and create a deeper bond through mutually developed understanding. And you can actually turn that negative emotion into something positive - compersion at your partner's joy. Now important note to all the singles out there, who don't necessarily have a partner whom you can talk through your insecurities. It is crucial that you make special arrangement to avoid becoming overwhelmed and isolated by your feelings. Reach out to friends, and if open and supportive, family. Schedule time with your partner (outside of the bedroom) to discuss these feelings (don't ignore it for fear of rocking the boat). Practice self-compassion and self-love. I'm talking from experience. Otherwise, those feelings are going to eat you up, and you will destroy the very relationship you were trying to protect. #jealousy #polyamouryunmasked #poly #ethicalnonmonogamy #thesinglepoly #compersion https://www.instagram.com/p/CFRivp1BIkG/?igshid=di72mz2qxbg9

[thesinglepoly]

Why must there exist this social stigma surrounding sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?   It is not only counterproductive in ensuring we practice safe sex and are tested regularly, but it can also have a harmful psychological impact on the infected.   There seems to be this inherent, yet completely irrational and incredibly destructive judgement that if you have contracted an STI that you are…dirty; irresponsible; damaged goods; slut…   But as I like to say, to assume makes an ASS of U and ME!   STIs are simply an infection like influenza or strep throat. In most cases, they can be resolved simply with antibiotics or at the very least, minimised with antivirals.   STIs can be asymptomatic and will only be detected through regularly testing. But perceived threat of backlash if you test positive is enough to deter people from testing, preferring to be blindly ignorant, & spreading their infection amongst subsequent partners.   STI contraction may be the result of an unfaithful partner in whom you thought you could trust.   STIs can be contracted regardless of if you are careful to regularly use protection. The only 100% foolproof method of protection is abstinence. (I'm not condoning you do away with all protection, but there is risk, however insignificant).   STIs are common. HPV for example infects about 80% of the sexually active population (according to the Cleveland Clinic).   STIs can be rare and therefore not routinely tested. M. Genitalium is a relatively new STI and is not routinely tested as part of a standard STI panel. Nor are throat or anal swabs regularly included.   We are active in encouraging everyone to become sexually empowered and own their right to sexual freedom, but with our next breath attack them for having the bad luck to become infected, subsequently damaged their newly found sexual confidence.    Your voice would be put to better use by advocating for better sex education; by encouraging safer sex practices; by asking to be tested on a regular basis; by having honest conversations with your sexual partners about your history and potential risks; by supporting a friend who has an STI.   #sexualhealthmonth #sexnotstigma #sti https://www.instagram.com/p/CFRdc8lhwTa/?igshid=12f09drsvbe5k

[thesinglepoly]

I’m cumming...I mean it’s coming soon. You’ll get the opportunity to learn more all about me and my journey - the good, the bad, the hilarious and the ugly. Plus I’ll be conversing with a whole host of people, exploring their attitudes and their unique views. (If you’re interested in sharing your story, hit me up for a discussion). Remember I’m always and forever work in progress so our conversations are likely to be raw. But I hope you will at least find them enlightened, and will help you along whatever journey you are on yourselves. But this isn’t just about me! I’m non-monogamous after all, so tell me what you would like to hear about, and I will do my upmost to provide. #podcast #sexpositive #sex #polyamory #nonmonogamy #mystory #singlepoly https://www.instagram.com/p/CE1i-VnJ7l0/?igshid=i0irmd91793p

[thesinglepoly]

Monogamous or otherwise, we have all experienced new relationship energy. It's that nervous energy you feel in their presence, where everything feels shiny and new, heightened, sparkly, exciting. That little internal dance when you received a message from them, the smile on your lips when thoughts of them pop into your head, the butterflies and earning when you first kiss. As with any new adventure, discovering a new person means examining their likes, their secrets, and their uniqueness. Finding your synergies, and your differences. Exploiting spontaneity. Exploring how your bodies respond to each other and the new experiences you both bring into the sexual space. This energy needs mystery, surprise and eroticism to flourish. It "thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected" (Esther Perel). But over time, you become accustomed to each other, your relationship becomes secure, and your experiences together, familiar. And contradictorily, desire and intimacy cannot grow without security, but it also cannot grow without surprise and mystery. Predictability can reduce feelings on desire. Desire can be reduced by feeling of co-dependence. In my opinion however, NRE is replaced with something deeper, something more enduring, something more special. A different kind of intimacy. This doesn't necessarily mean love, but a love-like appreciation of each other. And to me, that is infinitely more important than the passionate yet volatile intensity of NRE. Intimacy at this level transcends the superficial demands of dating, and lends itself to long-lasting connectedness and affection. In a non-monogamous space, we are often forget the impact of NRE on our existing partners. We can get caught up in novelty of this new relationship to the detriment of our existing secure relationships. Yet, if we can maintain good communication with our existing partners, more often than not, partners will experience compersion and also revel in their partner's NRE, effectively creating a self-perpetuating positive feedback loop. Can you identify the energy created by NRE? #newrelationshipenergy #nre #relationships #compersion #affection #desire #nonmonogamy #singlepoly https://www.instagram.com/p/CE1hh3zpfSy/?igshid=7k72o40wofl5

[thesinglepoly]

Hand on my heart, I can say Dan Savage (@dansavage), and Savage Lovecast (savagelovecast.com), changed my life and helped give me the courage to live my true authentic life. (If you haven’t already, sign up to the Magnum version, it will change your life, or at least may be a catalyst in dispelling some of your ingrained perceptions.) Savage termed the acronym ‘GGG’ over a decade ago to help describe the “ideal partner”: Good meaning you have taken the time and effort to seek out, learn and excel Kim at different sexual skills and techniques. This includes ensuring your partner is aware of any shortcomings. Break the chain and tell them what they could do better. Don’t send them out to subject someone else to bad sex! Giving meaning that you are both willing to give pleasure in equal measure. There should also be an ENJOYMENT in performing sex. In short, if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. Your partner will know it, and no one will have a pleasurable time; Game meaning that you are up for trying almost anything (or at least opened to being asked). Be brave enough to express your interest in exploring fantasies, desires and kinks. And if your partner expresses interest in a kink/fantasy that you do not feel you can fulfil with genuine desire, consider whether you can allow your partner to explore this outside of your normal dynamic. Or alternatively, whether there is a near approximation that will sufficiently satisfy their desire. Research shows that “people who are highly motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs end up with partners who feel more satisfied and committed to their relationship” (Muise & Impett). Being my lover doesn't just mean getting me off. It means being vulnerable enough to show me what you desire, brave enough to express your kinks, and confident enough to receive criticism and adapt accordingly. Selfish, lazy and arrogant lovers need not apply in my bed. Can you identify one thing from each ideal that you could improve? Have you been allowing your lover to get away with mediocre performance because you're afraid to emasculate them? Do you struggle to express your desires, or do you have a hidden kink that you're scared t https://www.instagram.com/p/CE1X4JFJF_P/?igshid=1j2eub6bxgx84