thesimplewife

[thesimplewife]

Temporary?

An offshore PACMAN. Powers and Controls Maintenance. Think Marky Mark in Deepwater Horizon. (Side note: way to make a wife nervous about her husband’s job.) That’s B’s chosen career. He spent 5 years as an apprentice at the Australian Paper Mill, then another year as a casual with a contractor. Following that he spent 5 years at the famous full-of-pollution Hazelwood Power Station in the coal mine. After the nine month application and interview process he landed this offshore job. That was five years ago. 

‘Is B still working on the rigs? When is he going to finish up?’ 

I’ve recently been wondering why I am often asked this question. I don’t ask when your partner is going to change law firms or the school he’s teaching at. This is B’s career. It comes with its challenges, as does any job. This isn’t temporary, it isn’t a stepping stone or a get-ahead. It’s an intentional choice, a career path and a lifestyle we have chosen together. Though it can be difficult to see through the hazy fog of parenting two small children, the opportunities and benefits far outweigh the tough times. When B is home, he is home. He is present. He can do kinder drop-offs, babycino dates, swimming lessons and kinder-gym. He can build bonfires and cubby houses, plant trees and landscape. He can have family lunch dates, road trip to the zoo or aquarium on a weekday and do late-night gigs without having to think about the next day. A week of annual leave and he’s home for a run of three.

Let’s consider another option. Working a 9-day fortnight for 8-10 hours a day and being on call one week in four. Coming home to the the craziness of bath time and leaving for work before the kids have woken up. Having only weekends to schedule in family time, working on the land and pursue musical hobbies. With this option, I’d get to escape as soon as he walked through the door on those days you just want to pull your hair out. But that’s the only benefit I can see in comparison. 

I thought maybe the perception of FIFO being temporary was something that had validation. Maybe our version of FIFO was the minority. So I posted in an online FIFO support group and asked for their feedback. I was surprised, but encouraged - almost 70% of the responses said their family was in it for the long haul, it was a career, not a stepping stone. About 10% hadn’t thought about it before or were unsure. That leaves only about 20% of people in who see FIFO work as a stepping-stone, battling the rosters they don’t like, the challenging work conditions and time away from home as a five-year goal, maybe to buy a house or put away money for private education.

So why do people think this FIFO thing is only temporary? And how many more times will I have to answer this question on a day where I’m really struggling in the solo-parent week making me feel like a failure that my husband leaves his family and yours does not? How about we assume this FIFO thing is for life (because it currently is) and we just enjoy a cuppa and support each other, celebrating the happy milestones and embracing the hair-pulling challenges regardless of where our husbands work?

[thesimplewife]

The Hippy Hippy Shake

So today is Healthy Hips Day. I’d been thinking about how I could contribute to raising awareness of development dysplasia of the hip this year when I came across some old photos of A, pre-diagnosis. I wanted to share about some of the risk factors and some things to be mindful of when your baby is so little.

It’s only subtle. But because we’ve been through it, looking back, I can now see it. Miss A was diagnosed with mild DDH, predominantly her left side, in December 2016. You can find more about that story here. In both of these hot lazy day newborn-nap photos it’s noticeable that Miss A’s left leg is more ‘dangling’ than the other. Another physical indicator of the possible presence of DDH is uneven, or many, thigh creases. And in toddlers and young children who are already walking, they may be favouring one side or walking with a limp.

Today in Australia, around 1 in 50 babies are diagnosed with hip dysplasia and late diagnosis is on the rise. The biggest risk factors for babies are 1) being female, 2)  being breech, 3) being the firstborn, and 4) family history in first degree relative. Although I have my own hip-related issues and have my suspicions that perhaps mild dysplasia wasn’t picked up in me as a babe, the only risk factor here for Miss A was that she was born female.

For this reason, it’s important to make sure your baby is being checked regularly with the health nurse. There are also some things you can do to minimise the risks, 1) Ensure you are swaddling correctly, not too tightly, allow the legs room to move, 2) Ensure you are baby-wearing correctly, little hips need to be in the M-position with their bottom and hips supported, legs should not dangle from carriers and 3) Try not to pull at legs when changing a nappy, instead lift baby’s whole bottom up.

If you are in a position to donate to help raise awareness, please text ‘hips’ to the number at the top of this post. Otherwise quickly pop on some green to show your support today!

[thesimplewife]

How to Period Like a Unicorn

I recently heard a No Filter podcast where Mia Freedman interviewed a woman called Lucy Peach. She is a folk-singer and a comedian, turned Period Preacher. The title ‘How to Period Like a Unicorn’ grabbed my interest and I was not disappointed. 

In the last five years my body has endured two pregnancies and births. I have breastfed both of my babies for a combined total of 24 months. I have dealt with postnatal depression. Between the two pregnancies my body had time to fall back into its own natural cycle.

I’ve always been pretty empathetic and emotional. But what was postnatal depression? What was irrational overthinking and anxiety? What was me just being me? Then I heard this podcast. What. was. hormones.

We tend not to talk about periods. Ew! you might say. I think for most women who don’t have excruciating pain, heavy bleeding or endometriosis, you just get on with it and don’t give it much thought. In our society ‘PMS’ is something to be written off, it’s just a cop out - Oh she’s having a bad week, must be PMS. Whether it’s coming from men or women I think Lucy Peach is right. Yes, PMS is a real thing, it exists. And it would be so fantastic if we as women understood our cycle more and then educated our sisters, daughters and friends. If we educated our partners, husbands, brothers and sons. The menstrual cycle is part of who we are as women, and all the emotional and normal changes that come with it. We should embrace it. 

It all begins with day one of your cycle, the day of first blood, haha. In her more tasteful period preaching Lucy Peach calls this, 

WINTER - 

The first day of your period. Your hormones are at rock bottom, your energy levels are low and you’re a little bit sensitive. You need to nurture yourself, fill up your own cup and rest. Don’t take on any big projects, it’s okay to say no or not yet. Lucy shares that it’s not procrastination, it’s prioritising and self-preservation. During Winter we should take the time to meditate and relax, especially as our bodies are more in tune with that mindset. 

SPRING - 

Your body is getting ready to ovulate, your oestrogen is rising and you might be a little bit anxious. You could be making list after list after list and have the energy and urge to accomplish everything (anyone else on board yet?) but you could also feel overwhelmed. You don’t need as much sleep in Spring, you might be waking earlier than usual. You’re so task-focused with all your projects and goals you become single-minded and impatient, not really having the time for others ideas. Your oestrogen peaks, you ovulate and suddenly things become softer and maybe to the outside eye a little less chaotic. 

SUMMER - 

You’re riding high on energy. Hello progestin, your feel-good hormone. Summer is a little bit like Oprah. You can have a new car, and YOU can have a new car! You can have a new car and YOU can have a new car! Except that next week, in Autumn, you’ll wonder why you didn’t get a new car. (Can you see yourself in this cycle yet?) Enjoy that progestin, enjoy those good vibes only, but be cautious and aware. Be wary of making big commitments because you’re feeling all of the feelings at the moment. (Have you ever just wanted to adopt every homeless dog? Or sponsor every hungry child? You think maybe you were in Summer?) Be yourself, if you are compassionate and giving, don’t hold back - just be wary not to overcommit and send yourself into Autumn already burnt out. 

AUTUMN - 

In Autumn all your emotions are coming down, you’re not in the same space emotionally as you were last week. That in itself may cause some inner conflict and confusion. You have less energy and care for the little things like where the heck your toddler put that little orange Duplo teddy. Figure. It. Out. Look. After. Your. Stuff. You’re probably irrational. And irritable. If you play any competitive sports maybe your opponent may need to brace themselves. Spend time with yourself, channel your creative energy. Crochet. Sew. Knit. Sing. Dance. Act. You don’t need an attachment to the outcome, you just need to let it out. Autumn will test the strength of your relationships, you don’t really have a filter. 

One week I’m all about being the best version of myself I can be. The next I’m short-tempered, impatient and yet again said something I shouldn’t have. At times this can be a self-defeating cycle, looking at how far I’ve come only to fall back into the rut. 

I thought in sharing How to Period Like a Unicorn with my husband I’d be met with a little harmless snicker and that old oh yeah PMS phrase. But I was pleasantly surprised. He could also see me in the seasons and was on board for mapping it out. 

I think it’s fantastic that Lucy tours with her husband Richard (his sketches are super cool). He’s totally on board and in the podcast she says sometimes he just asks ‘Where are you at? Just tell me, so I can understand.’ So she will, then she goes on to say that during this window of 4 days invite all your friends over, I’ll make them a feast, we’ll entertain, we’ll do this, and do that and I’ll be as good as gold! How incredible is that. Not only that you can have good communication with your partner, but a level of communication that doesn’t make talking about who you were made to be unacceptable. 

I don’t know yet how we’ll educate our son and daughter about How to Period Like a Unicorn. But I know we will. For now I’m just happy to understand myself better and share that with my husband. 

You can check out Lucy Peach live here.

mygreatestperiodever

[thesimplewife]

S M A S H !

Some days are just harder than others. 

I was changing the sheets on the guest bed when I heard  S M A S H. 

And then the tears started. Not from Miss A who had been responsible, but from E, who this time, was actually at least 8 feet away and hadn’t contributed. She’d been playing with his money box, a teddy that he painted on his own, and she’d dropped it. I have never seen E so upset about something enough to say I don’t want A anymore. I don’t want her, she breaks stuff. As I was trying to herd A away from the shattered porcelain teddy pieces and comfort a distraught E, my phone rang. A lady on my street, odd.

The trough for the cows was leaking. No, not leaking. Overflowing. Clearly something was wrong. I ignored it for the morning not wanting little people involved in ankle deep water (for me) and continued with our other plans.

Much later, after a 30+ minute instructional conversation with B who was offshore (it’s like the world knows when your handy-hubby isn’t around to fulfil his Mr Fixit dreams) I was so frustrated, I just cried. The water was off, so no more overflow - but that’s our main water supply...washing machine - stalled, Miss A in cloth nappies...tea, bath...H E L P! 

Thankfully, when humble yourself, make yourself vulnerable, or accept that you need to call in the Big Guns, you can be absolutely blown away by the kindness of your community. 

We moved to our 5-acre Whitehouse thinking this would be our forever home. I wanted to make sure my children grew up knowing their neighbours like I know my childhood neighbours, Betty & Bob and Mrs-yoo-hoo-Next-Door. I hesitated, but that first Christmas I put our family Christmas letter in every letterbox on the street. There’s about 10 houses I think. Of those 10, I know seven of the families, some better than others of course. 

So when I replied to my neighbour’s call asking if her or her hubby knew much about troughs she replied instantly ‘be there in a tic’ and even brought her handy son! I also called on our back neighbour hoping her hubby would be on days off or have an RDO. She didn’t get my message straight away but sent him over as soon as she did. Our afternoon was pretty hectic. The washing didn’t go how I wanted, the house didn’t look how I’d hoped, I hadn’t had a chance to make tea, but I was shown community. 

Instead we had conversation over a cuppa (and flavoured-straw milkshakes for the Smalls) with our corner-neighbour and Grandma (who also came to see if everything was okay as Grandpa didn’t finish work until 6:30pm), and learnt a little about taxidermy and hunting from my back neighbour (sorry the cows wouldn’t stop bellowing after you as you left!). In the last twelve months, we’ve borrowed power tools and an iron, we’ve been given landscaping and gardening advice, I’ve been given help herding the crazy Willy (cow) who escaped and both our dogs have been returned to us (surprisingly Brandi, twice!). 

I’d like to think my neighbourhood is a pretty nice community. I’d like to think that even if I wasn’t calling damsel-in-FIFO-distress, they would be there to help. Now I really need to get onto baking a cake to deliver to the corner neighbours, that’s reciprocating community isn’t it? 

[thesimplewife]

Healthy Hips Week 2018

This week is Healthy Hips Week. During this week Healthy Hips Australia aims to educate people about developmental dysplasia of the hip (DDH) and raise funds to support families affected by the condition. Healthy Hips Australia is a not-for-profit organisation run predominantly by one dedicated Mum in Perth. While hip dysplasia is not a life-threatening condition, it can be life-changing. For many families the diagnosis and treatment can be sudden, scary and costly.

Healthy Hips Australia says, ‘Our mission is to increase the availability and accessibility of resources, education and support for people working with and impacted by hip dysplasia.’ In the medical awareness and fundraising world, hip dysplasia doesn’t carry the same weight as leukaemia or autism. Perhaps for this reason you hesitate when organisations like Healthy Hips Australia ask for your help. 

I want to share with you our journey with DDH. Maybe by the end of this post you won’t hold back asking the hard questions when you see a baby in a funny-looking brace. Maybe by the end of this post you’ll be more aware of the risk factors, and be talking about hip dysplasia with your friends when they have babies. Maybe by the end of this post you’ll understand, as I now do, the impact DDH can have on your hip (haha) pocket.

Hip dysplasia. Most people have only heard of hip dysplasia because it’s common in certain breeds of dogs and dogs who are inbred. Prior to Miss A being diagnosed in late December 2016 I have to admit I had little understanding about what it actually was. 

‘Oh she’s just beautiful Naomi!’ the health nurse said as she carried out her routine checks. ‘She’s growing so well.’ I had postnatal depression with our eldest. The health nurse scheduled an extra check for Miss A at 8 weeks, even though I really knew the check was to make sure I was coping okay second time around. She measured her head, took her length, and moved her legs around. ‘It’s probably nothing to worry about, we just like to be sure,’ she said, ‘She’s got some beautiful creases here in her thighs, but there’s a few extra on this side. And I can’t get that rotation in her left hip. I’m going to recommend taking her to the GP and having some ultrasounds.’ She was talking about hip dysplasia. 

Scheduling appointments around the FIFO roster meant that it wasn’t until A was 12 weeks that she was first put into a brace. It was Wednesday, the day before fly out day. I took Miss A to the orthopaedic surgeon in the morning and heard the words, ‘She’ll need to be in a pavlik harness for 3 months, with only half an hour out each day to bathe and a little bit of play.’ The moment I started the engine and drove away I cried. She had just learnt to roll over and now she was going to be stuck, not be able to move, restricted, and all because of this stupid harness. I called my Mum and cried. I told my husband back at home and cried. My Aunty came to visit that afternoon and as I was telling her I cried. The words I struggled to hear at that time were, ‘Little people are so resilient. Time will go so fast. She won’t even remember.’ All I could think was I was left to deal with this alone. Our little girl who had just started to consistently sleep through the night would now hate this brace and not sleep, my husband would be offshore for a week and I would have to cope, alone. 

Google can be your best friend or your worst enemy. What was a pavlik harness? What did I need to prepare myself for? What was hip dysplasia? Surely there was a support group, there’s a flipping Kmart page for Mums. Honestly, I actually didn’t find a lot. I sent a random Facebook message to a lovely Mum of two girls who had both had DDH called Penny. I was reaching out and desperate. People would stare at A, like I’d caused harm to her because of the contraption she’d now be in. Penny lead me to Healthy Hips Australia, and since then I’ve been a member of the DDH Support VIC Group. 

Friday came around and the orthotist who would fit the pavlik harness, Mark, could not have been a nicer guy if he tried. ‘Just call if you have any questions,’ he said as he opened the door for me and my newly-braced Miss A. She only seemed upset because the appointment was right in the middle of nap time. Otherwise, she didn’t seem to mind at all that she was now confined to what is known in the Healthy Hips world as ‘the froggy position’. 

As it turned out, the harness wasn’t even an issue for her sleep. It was summer, so she spent most of her days in dresses or singlet onesies underneath the harness. On the cooler days we found some harem-style stretchy pants to wear over the top and my sister sewed some skirts. Her sleeping bag and her BONDS Zippy’s stretched over the harness (although Love to Dream now make this great hippy-baby-friendly one, you can find it here) and we missed that stage of having to go and roll baby back over because they got stuck on their belly. 

I embraced the change. Second time around with a toddler in tow, I was already all for the baby-wearing. If anybody made noise about wanting a baby carrier I’d ensure they knew to get one that supported their baby’s hips correctly, so they were in the M-position, not dangling low. If anybody asked what happened to her legs, I’d give them a full run-down. From this I was surprised to learn how many people there were in my own community who had some kind of connection with DDH. Two of my best friends in Primary School spent time in braces as babies, and I never even knew. I thought I’d get tired of explaining it to people, I thought people would judge. But instead I used it as an opportunity to spread awareness about DDH. A few times people would say, ‘Oh that’s much better than what they used to do, casts and so on,’ so I was always quick to point out that A had mild DDH only and there were still some babies and young children who had to undergo more intensive and invasive treatment with spica casts and hip reduction surgeries. 

I was nervous about feeding A in the harness. Breastfeeding was challenging from the beginning with her, and I wasn’t looking forward to the awkwardness of juggling legs-in-the-air-like-you-just-don’t-care. Thankfully A was on a fairly predictable feeding routine which meant I didn’t feed her much out of home anyway. The most comfortable and relaxed position we found was really just like a koala cuddle. 

For 3 months, I felt like I got to know the receptionist at the orthopaedic surgeon’s office. Initially we had weekly appointments, then fortnightly. The orthopaedic surgeon didn’t say much except, ‘I’m confident she’s going to be out of this brace at the end of 3 months.’ Then as it got close to the end, ‘I’m confident she’s going to be out of this brace at the end of 3 months, maybe a different brace for just nights until they really settle in.’ I’m not a radiologist, but I tried to interpret the X-ray’s they’d taken before going in for the 3-month check. I didn’t have high hopes that she’d be out of the harness at all. Honestly, I didn’t mind if she was in the brace for nights, she slept well and we finally had feeding sorted. I just wanted her to be able to get going after her older brother like she so eagerly wanted to do. And so we left the orthopaedic surgeon’s office that day with another referral to see Mark to be fitted for a new brace. This time when I started the engine, I didn’t cry. 

Miss A was diagnosed with mild DDH and during those 6 months of bracing, I felt like I had appointment after appointment after appointment. It wasn’t until recently when I decided I wanted to share about our hippy baby’s DDH journey for Healthy Hips Week, that I realised all of those appointments added up to so much money. Now fortunately in Australia, we have Medicare, which means the two ultrasounds and two X-ray’s that she undertook, were bulk-billed, we didn’t have to pay a cent. Private consultation however, whether at a clinic or hospital, physio, orthotists, the actual harness, brace or cast themselves, they all cost money. I decided to take up a mathematical challenge and see just how much we’d been out of pocket had we not had the benefits of private health insurance. A little over $1,305.00 - this, for 6 months of treatment, excluding ultrasounds and X-ray’s, of mild DDH. 

Some families have severe DDH; they have the cost of surgery and anaesthetists. Their hippy babies may start the journey at 3 months just like A but bracing may not work. Their journey could still be going when their now hippy toddler has learnt, so cleverly, to walk in their rhino brace. They could be looking at purchasing new high chairs, carseats, prams, bean bags and spica tables because their hippy baby doesn’t fit in the standard version of these items anymore. Clothing off the rack can be a challenge, there are a few small businesses like Sunny and Lola who make clothing especially for hippy babies. In some places, items like these are available for families to hire. It would be fantastic to have a multitude of these items available for hire in all areas. This is one of the goal’s of Healthy Hips Australia. All donations $2 and above are tax deductible. If you can spare a few dollars this week, every dollar counts. Click here to donate.

[thesimplewife]

Don’t Tell Me FIFO Isn’t For Me

As I sit here and listen to my almost one-year-old cry for the third night in a row because teeth-want-to-walk-don’t-want-to-bed-sit-lay-throw-bunny-where’s-bunny, it’s hard not to feel a level of resentment towards B and the job that means he’s not here. He’s probably had a hard 12-hour shift mentally and maybe even physically, there’s no way I could do his job for 12 hours straight, 7 days each fortnight. But when my days are full of toddler-entertaining and being Miss-Almost-One’s walking aid, I look forward to the few child-free hours that are mine at the end of the day. 

When B is at home he is the first one to settle Miss A for an hour or more, stubbornly he won’t even ask me for help if he’s over it. So please don’t misunderstand what follows. I don’t want to spend the next hour in her room, then tag-team with another night terror cry from E. But I cannot sit alone and listen without feeling so much guilt, then that level of resentment. As I sit on the couch ready for my own time that’s been abruptly interrupted I can envision how B’s night is going. He’s just had a nice, uninterrupted shower, after a tough gym session which is both physically challenging but beneficial for good mental health, then he’ll head down to the dining room where his meal (that he didn’t cook) has been kept aside for him. We might have a phone call. But nights like this it can be tearful, stressful and with countless long pauses because we don’t know what to say to each other. Other times I have an internal battle because I want to talk to him, have his company, yet that time could be the time spent doing something solely for me. So sometimes I multitask. If he doesn’t call, he’ll be jamming with some workmates, reading quietly and peacefully (unless he’s room-sharing with a snorer) or if I’d written this a year ago, he could be out fishing too. 

In these moments of instant stress at my little people crying out for me yet again, it’s hard not to roll my eyes and resent the fact I am the only adult here who can attend to their needs. There’s only so many showers I can have in hopes that A will settle herself in that 10-minutes. These are the things that make FIFO tough, that make shift work tough. I can only imagine how tough it would get for a single parent with nobody to call. Hats off to those single mums and dads out there with multiple children, I seriously salute you. 

But just because I have hard nights like this or a challenging few days on a trip away doesn’t make FIFO any less worth it. I struggle, but the truth is we all struggle. B could have a regular day job and have to consider that when losing sleep over unsettled children. He could work shifts and not be around when I need him, or create more stress trying to keep it quiet so Daddy can get some sleep during the day. He could be a hard-working-never-get-a-break farmer. He could just be one of those husbands and dads that leaves all the child-rearing and house-duties up to the woman. In any of those situations, I would struggle. So please, if I am honest with you about the struggle it can be when B is offshore, don’t suggest he find work elsewhere and don’t suggest it isn’t right for our family. You don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re in it - there’s so much learning I’ve had to do since this FIFO life began and I believe I’m more independent, more flexible, creative and have even solved problems sometimes without calling the platform! If you want to help, let me be honest. And let me feel like being honest is okay and that choosing and accepting the FIFO life is a good choice for our family. Like choosing and accepting whatever path you’ve chosen for your family is a good one for yours.

To those kind-hearted friends who understand, encourage and share love, thank-you. Here’s a beautiful message I received today, and even after that - I still couldn’t manage tonight. 

Just wanted to send you a message and tell you how much of an amazing Mum I think you are! C is a pretty good baby and sleeps pretty well at night but last night he just wouldn’t settle at 2:30AM. By 5AM I was struggling and if I didn’t have J next to me to take over and let me sleep and destress, I don’t know what I would have done...This morning I realised that you had to do all that without B by your side in bed every night and I felt the realisation of how that could have felt for you! I always knew it was hard for you at times but until you are in the situation, I’m not sure you completely understand...I truly respect you and look up to you for what you and B have decided to do for your family and how you have been so strong to be able to do it even when it was hard! You are an amazing Mum! x

And you my dear friend, are an amazing Mum as well, and a beautiful friend who was always there for me at the beginning, and even now. 

[thesimplewife]

5. Get the Info

Glow Bug Modern cloth nappies that grow with your baby up until they’re ready for toilet training. They have a pull-through design, with snaps at one end which makes them easy to stuff with liners that stay in place - more comfortable for your babe. These nappies are made in China, but I’m assured the factories are all above board with regular checks and fair pay. To find out more about Glow Bug click here. 

Thankyou  My favourite thing about Thankyou is that you ‘track your impact’ based on the product you bought. Thankyou Baby funds projects based around maternal and child health care. Thankyou Water funds projects based around clean water and sanitation. Primarily we use the baby and body products, but I do love a big bowl of Thankyou muesli for breakfast. I purchased the book written by founder Daniel Flynn called Chapter One, so I understand that getting big sellers to stock Thankyou was not an easy journey. However, one thing I don’t like about this brand is that you can’t get all products in one store. Some are in Woolies, some are in Coles, some are in Priceline or Chemist Warehouse, some I haven’t seen other than online at all. I would love if in the future I could go into Coles or Woolies and see an entire aisle of Thankyou products! For more information on Thankyou click here.

Babysabye Gorgeous hand-woven wraps and slings. They are sturdy and strong, they are versatile and comfortable. Having a Little Miss with hip dysplasia I was looking for a carrier that was cross-betweened a newborn wrap Hug-a-bub or Moby style and an Ergo carrier. I came across the Mei-Dah reviewed by Keep Calm & Carry Them and was excited to know that although made in Thailand, it was directly supporting the women who had woven them. Being able to carry my baby or my toddler in the same size wrap is so convenient, I couldn’t recommend an easier wrap to tuck in the car or bottom of the pram. If you want to check out these wraps more, click here. 

No Pong All natural anti-odourant paste. Sounds weird, I know, maybe you’ll get a funny look or two at the gym but who cares! It allows your pores to breathe while absorbing the sweat your body produces rather than blocking them. The little tins they come in are also 100% recyclable. After using No Pong for a number of months, I’ve managed to get B on board too. If you want more info check it out here. 

Shop Ethical  I mentioned the App in my post, but there is also a printed guide and a clothing guide. Shop Ethical is made by a community based, not-for-profit organisation. It was created so that the everyday consumer can be educated on making more sustainable and ethical purchases. There is a lot of information in this guide so I think it’s best to find some things you’re most passionate about and use those as guides to switching your purchases. You can find out more here. 

Moxie A company founded by a woman called Mia in 2005 after she was frustrated about loose tampons and pads falling out of her handbag. The products are made from Australian organic cotton and rayon, and their packaging is 100% recyclable. I love that they’re blunt about periods and don't try to sugar coat you with glowing advertisements. I love that they have something called the Moxie Box club delivering your essential items (yes, that includes chocolate if you like) monthly. But mostly I love that they have partnered with AfriPADS to bring you Pads for Pads. You can discover Moxie for yourself here. 

Who Gives A Crap  It’s 100% recycled toilet paper made from bamboo, so it’s forest friendly. They’ve branched out to kitchen towel and tissues as well. The packaging is pretty, and they occasionally have limited edition designs (which make cool and unique art!). But most importantly, 50 per cent of this organisation’s profits go directly to clean water and sanitation projects in developing countries partnering with Water Aid. If that’s not something to give a crap about, I don’t know what is. Check them out here, you won’t be disappointed.

Little Bumble Owned and handmade right here in Gippsland. These beeswax food wraps come in a range of sizes from covering the end of a zucchini to covering your biggest salad bowl. You can bring your own fabric if you’ve got something special, or just let Little Bumble handle it. The prints I received are gorgeous, I think I would have been too indecisive choosing my own. And now they are selling DIY kits to make your own with their special blend of beeswax. Have a look at what else Little Bumble has to offer here.

[thesimplewife]

4. Feed the Worms, Tuppence a Bag

Almost a year ago, we moved to the edge of town to a five-acre block. Here we don’t have access to town sewerage so we’re on a septic system. All credit to B for research and creativity here, septic systems are not my forte. It’s not your regular system though, we’re on a worm farm septic system. So as our three-year-old will tell you, we flush all our wees and poos down the toilet into the worms mouths to feed the worms! Which essentially, is correct. All our organic waste, our laundry water and the waste from the kitchen sink goes down, down to the worms and flushed out to the trenches. And goodness me is organic waste fruitful! Looking out our lounge room window it is obvious where those trenches are - luscious green all year ‘round! 

Recently we had a fruit fly issue so we emptied the compost, the coffee grinds and moved the fruit bowl. During this week, most of our food scraps, regretfully, went straight into the household rubbish. What a difference composting food scraps and organic waste makes! Where usually we would have one, maybe two if the nighttime nappies bin was full, we had two full bags. Some food scraps go to the compost, some go to the dogs. Hopefully one day we’ll be throwing food scraps out to some chickens too, which will of course have benefits of its own. 

In my previous post I mentioned Who Gives A Crap. We have a subscription for toilet paper which means we never have to think about purchasing it, and we will never be caught out! WGAC toilet paper is 100% bamboo and made from forest-friendly materials. The organisation partners with WaterAid to provide toilets to the 40% of our global population that do not have access them already. Their focus on hygiene and sanitation is making an impact with 50% of their profit aiming to lessen the amount of diarrhoea related disease that contributes to the deaths of 900 children under 5 daily. WGAC loo paper is bought in bulk, but works out to be cheaper than buying the value pack at the supermarket every other month. WGAC also makes tissues and paper towel, which we have...umm...maybe an entire laundry cupboard full, in our house. You can just recycle the packaging, but their delivery boxes are great for cubby and racing cars and their product packaging makes for great wrapping paper or craft activities! 

Eliminating the use of plastic bags for groceries means there’s less for inside bins. I saw a clever hack on Pinterest on how to fold newspaper to line your bin. I’ve done this with our bathroom bins, but would love to figure out a change for our kitchen bin. I’m open to suggestions here! I have heard one lady suggest a gigantic wet bag, yes, like for your dirty cloth nappies! I’ve definitely thought about giving this a go for our recyclables as they empty straight from the bin liner anyway. I’m not sure how easily rubbish would empty from a gigantic wet bag, and I’m also not sure whether Mr Garbage Man would like all that loose garbage. Something to mull over, but please - if you have any suggestions, throw them my way! 

Keep your eyes open for my final post, in this one I’ll be mentioning each organisation or brand that I’ve talked about in my posts. I’ll give some stats of impact and talk briefly about why we’ve chosen each one. For now, happy ethical and sustainable living! 

[thesimplewife]

3. Make it your Beeswax

Let’s focus on where the magic happens - the kitchen! And in our family lately, that’s actually more card trick magic than cooking magic. 

I’ve had reusable shopping bags for years; since the introduction of little people in our lives I’ve been too busy filling my hands with everything else and always forget to grab the bags. A friend’s post on Instagram recently about banning the plastic bag challenged me to be more conscious about remembering my plastic bags. In fact upon realising I forgot the bags one day I sent her a text telling her not to worry because I was being creative and going to empty the cardboard nappy box that was in the car. After signing the #bantheplasticbag petition I stopped using plastic bags for my fruit and veg too. I’m sure not every checkout chick was thrilled about my decision. I have to say I’m pretty organised with how I load my groceries on the conveyor belt so they wouldn’t have had an apple here and there. Since then, I’ve found these produce bags. They weigh practically nothing and they’re easy to wash. Although I don’t use them in the fridge, they claim to keep your produce fresher. I also heard of one lady who steams her veggies in them so there’s no fuss about draining! 

Remember how I mentioned unknowingly supporting Nestle by purchasing Allen’s Red Frogs? Step in the Shop Ethical app. It’s not about boycotting everything, it’s about making more conscious decisions. Whether you’re looking for fair trade prices, Australian owned, vegan suitability or good business practice; you’ll find this app useful.

I was excited to make my own beeswax food wraps until I discovered local business Little Bumble was owned by my friend’s sister. I’m always happier buying handmade and maybe spending a little more when it’s supporting local people. Beeswax food wraps come in all shapes and sizes and save you using plastic cling wrap and throwing it into landfill. They’re made out of all natural products - basically cotton and food-grade beeswax. They mould around bowls, containers and even the ends of fruit and veggies. They’re not for using with hot foods, or meat - so I’m yet to find a replacement for foil, but I am open to suggestions. At the end of their lifespan (a number of years) you can simply pop them in the garden to decompose naturally. 

Snack bags - I haven’t bought these for a while, but I’m yet to really have a replacement. I’ve just been using my Tupperware snack containers. I know some people oppose Tupperware too because it’s plastic. My stance here is that if you don’t throw out to get the latest colour, it’s all good. If you no longer have a use for it, try to find somebody who does, or take it to the Op Shop. Everybody loves a good Op Shop bargain! I have bought some iron-on vinyl and some kid-friendly (Finding Dory and Star Wars) clearance material to sew my own reusable snack bags but haven’t yet found the time. 

I live with a self-acclaimed Coffee Snob. We go to church, make a coffee-to-go; we go to Melbourne, a coffee-to-go; got a gig? A coffee-to-go. It’s safe to say we’ve used (and consequently thrown out) our fair share of coffee cups. After watching the ABC’s War on Waste series, I was highly motivated to encourage the use of the Keep Cup we already had, and purchase another couple for family outings. 

We’ve also got our resident brands in the kitchen - Thankyou and Who Gives a Crap - with hand wash, paper towel and tissues. During the constant nose-blowing of a bad cold and the dreaded hay fever season I do have a box of aloe vera tissues sitting around, otherwise we’re exclusive to 100% recycled, bamboo tissues. 

[thesimplewife]

2. No Joke, it's No Pong

Did you know that aerosol spray cans are recyclable if fully empty? I did not, and have been throwing them in the bin. 

Random fun fact because I no longer use aerosol spray cans. I’ve switched to No Pong, an all-natural, anti-odourant paste. And I like it that much that I’ve subscribed to have it shipped monthly. You might think gross, I apply it with my fingers? But do you think that about moisturiser? I first saw deodorant paste a couple of years ago and didn’t think much of it, shipping from America didn’t excite me either. This is probably my favourite switch to date. They come in a funky little tin that’s fully recyclable and reusable. Bobby pins? Jewellery when you play sport? Perfect. It’s a set and forget, a monthly subscription of $7.95 including postage and handling. 

Thankyou gets another gold star in this category. The body wash isn’t exclusive to the little people in our house, you’ll also find it standing tall in our ensuite. There might be a little product placement in the wet areas of our house - hand wash in the bathrooms, kitchen and laundry. It is a little more expensive to purchase this brand; I keep a look out for specials and buy in bulk on Mumgo. I’m willing to pay a little extra to support the cause. As of February 2017, the Thankyou body care range has helped fund water and sanitation services for 545,360 people. 

Perhaps getting a little more personal and uncomfortable for some. Let’s talk periods. Pregnancy and breastfeeding give Aunt Flo a reason to hold off on visiting for a time, but when she’s back I’m onto the Moxie Box club for sure. I can see the environmental benefits of menstrual cups and cloth pads, for now I can’t stomach that. The Moxie Box club is another set and forget, a monthly subscription, which obviously, makes sense. You choose any 5 products and for $30 they’ll be delivered to your door. Do you get the premenstrual blues? The Moxie Box club has you covered, Nutella is one of the products you can choose to receive in your box. What’s so ethical about Moxie? I can hear you say. They have this project called Pads for Pads. Millions of girls in developing countries miss out on their education because they don’t have access to sustainable feminine hygiene products. You buy Moxie, they donate an equal amount of locally made reusable pads to girls in countries like Uganda working with their partner AFRIpads. 

Get creative. What things do you use regularly? Could you make a switch to something more ethical or sustainable? Could your regular purchases help fund projects in developing countries or closer to home? 

[thesimplewife]

1. Movers & Shakers

I was one of those people who just could not even contemplate cloth nappies. Then our friend from Canada came to stay with her two boys, the younger being the same age as A. In cloth nappies. She’d travelled internationally, with cloth nappies - you go Mama! The prints were gorgeous, they were easy enough to wash and dry (it was during our March summer), stuffing them didn’t look hard either and they were one-size-fits-all, newborn to toddler. Honestly I did have a quick look at some Australian companies who make cloth nappies but was just overwhelmed with what I found. I’d seen these Glow Bugs in action and that is what sold me. We calculated the cost versus the cost of disposables over the next 18 months, assuming a similar toilet-training age as E. Buying cloth halved the amount we would spend on nappies. 

Miss A being in various braces for hip dysplasia made the beginning of the cloth journey a little more stressful, trying to find the right fit to avoid leaks. At this stage, she’s still in a Rhino brace at nights so we’re still using Thankyou nappies at night. 

The hip and slimline nappies with names like Little Dreamer and Mover & Shaker, aren’t the only Thankyou Baby products you’ll find in our home. According to WHO everyday approximately 830 women die from preventable causes related to pregnancy and childbirth, 99 per cent of those women live in developing countries. Any profits made by Thankyou Baby directly fund projects like the creation of immunisation programs and distribution of medical supplies to mums and bubs in need. I’m making a difference, even if it’s small, each time I choose Thankyou baby wash, baby shampoo, wipes, nappies or nappy cream.

When you’re using cloth nappies but disposable wipes - where do you put the wipes? We went through a lot of wipes, even though they were branded Thankyou. I couldn’t justify the cost of purchasing cloth wipes when I have a sewing machine and scissors. I bought some velour terry-towelling from Spotlight, cut it into 48 squares then had a speed lesson on Mum’s overlocker. A couple of hours later, ta-dah! Cloth wipes! We use one at a time and they’re just as easy to clean as the nappies. Give them a little spray with water and coconut oil and you’re good to go. 

The little people in our lives grow so fast that if we blink sometimes we miss it. They can quickly outgrow clothes and just as quickly outgrow toys because they’re constantly developing. I’m the youngest of four girls, hand-me-downs were a staple in my wardrobe I’m sure. Our kids are fortunate enough to have older cousins that clothes get passed through. But Op Shops are also a great invention, and you can usually grab a bargain. I recently bought a Purebaby winter coat, Purebaby overalls and a Fox & Finch outfit for about $8 total. Multiply that by ten at least for its original price I’m sure. Thrifty! Thanks to E looking in the toys section we also scored a handmade wooden walker cart that I’ve stripped back and plan to repaint ready for when A gets adventurous on her feet. There are Pay It Forward groups on Facebook and Toy Libraries available to help us recycle, regift and borrow. Hopefully, this means our homes aren’t filled with so much stuff. 

Ten years ago now I went to the Philippines, we stayed in a remote village in President Roxas where the children didn’t have anywhere near as much as western children have. But they did have happiness. That was most obvious when they were playing music and singing together or rolling rocks along the ground with long sticks they’d found. 

An 8-month-old and a 3-year-old. I was determined second time around to make more use of wraps and carriers. I have loved my organic Australian made Elki Baby wrap that Miss has outgrown, but my favourite is definitely my Mei-Dai wrap from Babysabye. These wraps are handwoven in Thailand, they are made ethically and fair trade. And they are fantastic, compact, strong and versatile. We have two sizes, but our smaller size fits both children (individually of course) so it allows for flexibility. To the aquarium E in the wrap on my back, A snuggled in the pram. On the way back; A snuggled on the front and E relaxing in the pram. 

If you can’t afford a carrier or a wrap there are plenty of free patterns available on Pinterest. I almost tried this DIY Moby wrap pattern but Miss A was getting a bit heavy for that hold. 

I am sure there are many other ways in which we could live ethically and sustainably with the little people in our lives. In our family for now, it’s modern cloth nappies, reusable wipes, Thankyou products, Op Shops, toy libraries and ethically made wraps. 

[thesimplewife]

Be Ethical. Reuse Me.

Let’s talk ethics and sustainability. 

This past year I have been seriously thinking about the choices we make in our family as consumers. I have been inspired in many ways to consider the effect on the environment that our lifestyle and our purchases may have. 

It’s not news I know. 

People have been taking reusable bags for their groceries for years. 

But I wanted to share with you my journey over 5 short posts. I wanted to share with you the changes our family has made, the changes we’re still making and the changes we aspire to make. I wanted to share because I want you to get excited too. You might be thinking that your choices won’t make a difference. Let me ask if you’ve heard the story about the boy and the starfish. There were countless starfish washed up on the shore, a boy decided to throw them back in the waves. He was challenged, you can’t possibly save them all, there are too many, what difference does it make. Yes, he said, but it makes a difference to that one. And he threw another in the waves. 

So an introduction. 

Often I’ve put ethical shopping in the too hard basket. For example I might try to boycott Nestle because they have been reported to have human right violations and use slave labour. Then one day I might really feel like red frogs so buy a packet of Allen’s Red Frogs. Uh-oh, I didn’t know that Allen’s parent company was Nestle. I came to realise that if I try to change every item when grocery shopping, I become overwhelmed by all the information. Instead, I make the more ethical or environmentally friendly option in that moment. Allsep’s have Fruity Frogs - perhaps I could go with those instead. 

Sustainability. I’ve never liked too much stuff. There’s keepsakes, then there’s hoarding. If you still have unpacked boxes 2 years after moving, do you need the contents of those boxes? I have always cleaned out regularly; Op-Shop, recycle, chuck. However, I’ve never really thought of the chuck pile’s final destination of landfill. In my mind, it goes in the garbage or it’s a tip run - that’s it. So I’m making more conscious choices when purchasing stuff - do I need it? And more conscious decisions when getting rid of stuff - can I reuse? Recycle? Repair? Regift? 

I remember as a child I was so motivated and excited about Clean Up Australia Day that I’m pretty sure I forced mum or dad to help me clean the entire laneway in our court. Only to be disheartened and have it trashed again days later. The truth is my choice do make a difference, they make a difference in my family. Hopefully through my choices, my children will learn to live ethically and be kind to the environment. 

I’m sure you know the jingle, come and sing with me as you read about the changes we’ve made and will be making to ensure we aim to shop ethically and focus on sustainability.

...you’ve gotta do the right thing it’s an obligation, and your planet will thank you for your cooperation...

[thesimplewife]

Be mindful Mama.

It was 11pm when I crawled into bed. Only to notice Little Orange Teddy on his shiny blue block sitting on the Duplo aeroplane E had shown me earlier that day. I glanced at him with the plane and said ‘Oh cool buddy, Little Orange Teddy’s driving the plane on his shiny block again!’

What I didn’t notice was the added detail. E had never put matching coloured flowers on the wings and I’d completely dismissed his creativity.

Solo parenting weeks are hard, I’m forever feeling guilty that I don’t spend enough time with E. It’s a fact of life that 8 month old A’s needs are much greater than his as their dependency levels vary. It helps my sanity to stay on top of tidying the house, packing up the toys and washing the nappies. I don't do all of this after bedtime.

This Duplo plane, with the much-loved Little Orange Teddy on his blue shiny block was a guilty reminder to take a step back and be mindful of the bigger little person in my life.

Sorry kiddo, I didn’t see your details. I see you now and I promise I’ll look out for the details next time. Mummy loves you.

[thesimplewife]

Milk Mama.

I’d been putting off formula for a while. I can’t keep up with EBM, although there is a little in the freezer. 

She’s in Leap 6 (#wonderweeks) - she spends more time biting, practicing sounds, blowing raspberries and looking around the dimly lit room. She’s also learning that Mummy can walk away and she isn’t yet able to follow. She wasn’t unhappy, I’d given her multiple opportunities of both sides. So I popped her in bed. 

Minutes later she just cried and cried. I thought I’d give it another shot, I didn’t want her to wake up hungry during the night. She didn’t want a bar of it, she just kept pushing me away and cried and cried. Mummy’s cuddles didn’t settle her, heck, Mummy’s milk bar didn’t even come close to settling her. 

Back in the cot, much to her displeasure. I grabbed the cooled boiled water bottle that has literally been sitting by the kettle glaring at me when I’m trying to figure out the logistics of feeds and my other commitments. I tore open the sachet and threw some formula in...she drank it almost immediately, without hesitation. And settled immediately. 

Oh baby girl, this is not how I wanted it to go. 

[thesimplewife]

This is my Solemn Vow

I, B, take you, N, in the presence of God, to be my wife. I will love you and share my life with you. All that I am I give to you. Whatever the future holds I will stand by you. Forsaking all others I commit myself to you for the rest of our lives. I promise to honour you, protect you and provide for you. With God’s help I will provide spiritual guidance for our family. This is my solemn vow. 

I, N, in the presence of God, take you, B, to be my husband. I will love you and share my life with you. Whatever the future holds I will stand by you. Forsaking all others I commit myself to you for the rest of our lives. I promise to honour you, care for you and respect you. With God’s help I will provide a loving and hospitable home for our family. This is my solemn vow. 

At the risk of sounding outdated at just 28-years-old, lately I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the sanctity of marriage. My parents have been married for 36 years. If my grandmother wasn’t widowed in her mid forties, this year she would be celebrating her 64th anniversary with my granddad. Ten years ago in May my husband and I starting dating; this July we’ll have been married for seven of those.

It hasn’t ever been the Disney fairytale or RomCom love story. After just two weeks together I made a bold statement saying I was in this for the long haul, that I wasn’t looking for another ex-boyfriend. Less than a month in, he said those three words. Words that, had they been said to me previously, I would have brushed off with a you might think you do, but you don’t really. He’d seen me through some tough teenage heartbreak, helped with my song-writing and encouraged me as a person. It wasn’t until literally a couple of weeks before we started dating that I actually saw him as a potential life partner. I’ve always liked that about our story, that I wasn’t infatuated with him for months on end before our first chapter.

Among the last in our circle to get married, there was often pressure to be engaged. This caused tension for us, because I so wanted to be married yet his stubborn streak resisted that pressure causing him to wait, and wait…and wait. Until one summer my world of certainty, the years I’d spent investing and waiting suddenly came unstuck. We’d talked about short engagements, the idea of eloping with immediate family and close friends, and I was openly looking at wedding dresses. Then a sentence that once spoken was hard for me to let go of for a long time. I do love you, but…I just don’t know if I want to marry you. Six months later, after an eleven week engagement, we were married. Happily married. Forever after that. The end. 

Are you kidding? Heck, that’s where the challenge begins. 

Our honeymoon? Vanuatu was beautiful! Overall we had a wonderful time. Newlywed bliss…except that we are both human and had never lived with a partner before. I felt isolated, we argued, B felt disrespected, we argued. 

That first year brought so many challenges. My insecurities and his stubbornness started many disagreements, two-hour long talks and midnight discussions. I think he’d agree that I was the instigator of the intense pillow talk. What’s mine is yours, what’s yours is mine. After six months of marriage I stopped working and pursued study. Finances became an issue. I felt I wasn’t contributing; to credit card or not to credit card? and so on. The social expectation that step two is child-rearing once you’ve ticked off marriage. Who cooks dinner? Who takes the bins out? Can we get a puppy? Can we get another puppy? I don’t want to have dinner with your family. They’re your friends, not mine. There are disagreements in any relationship. Then add living with that person and, in a sense, the inability to have your own space, inevitably you’ll clash. Fight, flight or flee. 

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.    - Genesis 2:24

I learned very quickly that walking out of a discussion or closing a door was disrespectful. I learned that calling somebody else to vent meant they were only hearing my rose-coloured side of the story, and that by doing this often unintentionally I was shaping their perception of my husband. Realistically how can one expect to resolve conflict or be understood better if the option we instinctively take is to fight or flee?

Maybe I was just growing as a person or as a wife. Maybe it’d been all the counselling skills and techniques I’d learned during my study. Maybe I’d observed the communication, or lack thereof, between other couples; saw unhappiness and frustration and thought that this wasn’t the kind of marriage I’d wanted for myself in five or ten years time. If dishes full of water in the sink or leaving my towel bunched up on the rack bother me but I don’t ever mention it, I’m setting us both up to fail. Not only do I mutter under my breath each time I fix the problem, but each time he does it he’s adding fuel to a fire he doesn’t even know about. 

Such a simple truth. Communication is key. Sweeping it all under the rug isn’t healthy; but neither is fighting until there’s a clear winner. Often in those early days it can be difficult to find a happy medium. At times I’m still working on it, but it took me a long time to understand that Let’s talk about it another time wasn’t B brushing it off, rather respecting the issue enough to want to discuss it calmly and rationally at a time when we’re both in the right headspace. Listening is key. Could you repeat the last few words your spouse said or could you paraphrase the entire sentence? When we feel heard, we feel valued and important. Our tone of voice and phrasing is key. Are you playing the blame game? Is your tone sarcastic or condescending? Rather than saying Can you just leave my towel alone? I’m sick of finding it bunched up! you could say When I find my towel bunched up, it bothers me because then it doesn’t dry well. Could you please try and remember to fix it up after you’ve used yours?

People often wonder how we can navigate this FIFO life with two little people in tow. The truth is we have built a foundation for our relationship and marriage that we can rely on. We trust each other, we are open and honest with each other, we listen and we communicate. Yes, we argue, we disagree, we wish we could just walk away or leave a discussion never to return. There’s times we frustrate each other no end (yes, my towel still gets bunched up after he uses his…) But at the end of the day, even as little as half an hour later, we still come back to each other with a cuddle and a kiss and those important words I love you and I’m sorry. Because what we thought about so carefully, memorised and told each other on our wedding day weren’t just words, we weren’t so caught up in the hype of getting married that we forgot that getting married meant forever. We made a commitment to each other with family, friends and God as our witnesses. Witnesses who also vowed in times of challenge they would love and support us with prayer and wisdom. 

I will love you and share my life with you. Whatever the future holds I will stand by you. Forsaking all others I commit myself to you for the rest of our lives. This is my solemn vow. 

This. Love. Commitment. Challenge. Enjoyment. Exhaustion. Appreciation. Empathy. Laughter. Stress. Compromise. This, is my solemn vow. 

[thesimplewife]

Today is one of those days. Those days where you wish hubby was coming home at 4pm, not in two days. Either that, or you wish you could clone yourself. 

Miss A is leaping (#wonderweeks) with a gunky eye and perhaps an unsettled tummy (#howmanyoutfitscanwewearinaday). She needs cuddles. 

Mister E wants his teddy and blankets on his couch, he’s too hot, the banana is too cold, he needs his water and...driving a few minutes down the street he’s almost asleep in the car (#thisisnotnormal). He also needs cuddles. 

Dear babes, if you’re going to be really sick, please hold out for a day or two. Let’s welcome Daddy home with that instead of saving it just for Mum. 

[thesimplewife]

#MUMGUILT

Mum guilt. We feel it. We fear it. In some sense, we create it. 

Does he read enough? Do I talk with him enough? Does he watch too much television? Does he have too many Tiny Teddies? Did he hurt himself because I wasn’t watching? Is he bored?

Am I spoiling her? Should I let her cry while I attend to my toddler? Will she be slow to talk, roll or crawl because I don’t have the same one-on-one time with her?

As mothers, nobody knows our children like we do. Yet we allow social media and the expectations of society to seep doubt into our minds. We second-guess ourselves, because first we read that babies thrive on routines and without them they won’t sleep; then we read that babies should demand-feed because they know how much to drink and when to help them sleep. We can’t say ‘no’ because we’ll break their spirit, but if we always say ‘yes’ we create spoiled brats. 

I don’t think I’ve felt this deep kind of #mumguilt until having two children. 

Mummy, come and play with me. Mummy, look at my Duplo tower that Teddy is on! Mummy, come here. Mummy, watch Madagascar with me. Mummy, jump on my trampoline. I feel like this is often met with Buddy, not right now, I’m feeding A. Sorry bud, I just need to put A to sleep, she’s tired. Mum’s got to go and sit with A to see if she’ll go back to sleep.

Be careful! Watch where your feet are. Don’t throw things at A. Don’t touch her head, just her belly. I told you don’t touch her head. 

Go to the toilet. Don’t roll the toilet paper on the floor! How many sheets? Three sheets! Where are your shoes? Do I have to ask you again? Quick! Climb up into the car. Climb up or I’ll put you in myself. Three, two...thank you. 

I try so hard to encourage him, to talk to him and play with him. I try to use positives; keep your feet to yourself rather than don’t kick, splash water on A’s belly rather than stop splashing her face. Yet I constantly feel like I am not enough. He squeals at me, I ask him to stop. He squeals for the third time, I growl. He squeals for the fifth time and I snap back. I am quick-tempered, a trait that I am not proud of, have not yet mastered control of and do not want to pass on to my child. But I am human, sometimes I lose it. Why am I not surprised when his response to a situation he doesn’t like is throwing his match box cars across the room or banging his hands on the door? Is it just regular toddler behaviour? Or have I taught him this? In my moments of weakness he has replicated my worst side. 

I feed Miss A and then leave her to fend for herself while I make breakfast and shower. My interaction with her involves supplying her with my boob and her mode of transport from lounge room to bedroom. I smile and talk enthusiastically with her because E is occupied. Then all of a sudden he looks at me and wants my attention. I feel guilty that I’m not conversing with him. I feel guilty that I’m not singing songs to her, helping her develop. 

Don’t ever compare them, I thought. But I will. If Miss A doesn’t roll, doesn’t crawl, doesn’t walk, doesn’t talk around the same time E did it’s my fault. I haven’t spent enough time teaching her. I didn’t talk with her enough about the trees, I didn’t use enough signs like I did with E.

These thoughts take over my mind. These little people I am bringing up are sponges. I have such a huge responsibility. To teach them love, grace, kindness and respect. To teach them right from wrong. To teach them how to interact with others, how to use manners. To teach them how to throw and catch, how to put their shoes and socks on. What if I fail? What if I mess up? 

I will.

I will fail. I will mess up. I will get upset, I will be frustrated, I will cry. In these moments I see the empathy I have taught my son, Mummy, don’t be sad. I give you a hug and make you better. In these moments when I apologise for my response to a situation I see the forgiveness I have taught my son, Mummy, I love you, he says with a cuddle. 

I don’t think #mumguilt will ever go away. But I’m beginning to learn that #mumguilt means that I actually love my children. I care deeply about them and their growth and development. I care deeply about the young people they will become. We are always our own worst critics. #MumGuilt will always be a part of my life, but in the morning when we start a new day I’m greeted with love that is unconditional, smiles that are irreplaceable like I am the world to my children, stories that go on and on and on but I wouldn’t want to replace. 

Maybe we should rename this hashtag MumGuilt to #MumLove. Because if we didn’t love them, we wouldn’t feel guilty.