theramblingsofajunkie

[theramblingsofajunkie]

[theramblingsofajunkie]

Having autism and being a heroin addict is one hell of a ride

[theramblingsofajunkie]

[theramblingsofajunkie]

[theramblingsofajunkie]

you're always there for me

even when i wish you weren't

i've given you everything,

every last thing i own ,

every last piece of myself-

just to regret it and drown in self hatred

i despise you

yet i keep coming back for more

it makes no sense does it?

they wish they knew what goes on in my head,

i say i wish i understood it myself....

@theaddictspoetry

[theramblingsofajunkie]

[theramblingsofajunkie]

I think about you a lot now

I know I really shouldn’t. In my dreams I taste , I feel and I am at peace. When I wake up here I am again, 9 months clean and it hurts to know I won’t taste it again.

Why is saying that word SO hard? It feels like a poison on my tongue. My one true love - Heroin

I had no choice in getting this injection, that retched injection that stops the love flood my veins. I know it is the “right” thing to do and people tell me “you look well now” and I know I would have died. I wish I had died that night but I didn’t.

Not only this but my plug is MIA and I’m a lonely kinda junkie. It’s mostly been just me and my needles, it wasn’t like this when I started out though. I was surrounded by people, not too many but just enough. I had access to them all but no upper would suffice. All I longed for was just me in a room, nodding out.

The shakes, cold sweats, the leg ache and body pain and insomnia wrecked me. I became destructive. The methadone was taken away and the monthly injection appeared.

I am not happy but I am alive. Which, I am told is “just for now” but “now” feels like an eternity.

this was the shot that killed me, if only for couple of seconds.

I knew when I cooked it something was wrong.

I knew when I smelt it something was wrong.

yet I did not care.

I don’t know why, on that day, my body gave up. Usually I did at-least 8 times more than this. somehow I managed only one plunge. Then I was out, it tucked safely in my arm. I don’t remember much after this.

my “recovery” plan by the drug service was inject me once a month with this opioid blocker and send me back home. I can’t help but feel this isn’t how you set up for a long term recovery, all those emotions and thoughts that led me to addiction in the first place are sat firmly and comfortably in my head.

they said “if you need to us, ring us” , they set me up with a “mentor” 9 months ago who has not once messaged, email , or any contact at all. I can’t talk to anyone about this because they just sigh and tell me they aren’t listening because it’s not what they “want to hear”.

I wish I had died that day.

#addiction #heroinaddict #drugaddict #recovery #needles #IVdruguse #smack #dope #heroin #junkie #heroinjunkie

[theramblingsofajunkie]

I wish I died that day