themostunquietmind

[themostunquietmind]

JUL 31

How unfair is it to fall in love with someone you can’t have a future with. 

I don’t understand why we’re together. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand that there was no future for us. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if I had known that I would never be enough. 

But you can’t undo love. 

Fuck. 

[themostunquietmind]

Day... Something

Today I drove by a CVS that said “we have ice and bread.” And all I could think was “why would they advertise having such mundane things.” And then it hit me: the mundane is what makes us unique. We all have mundane qualities, but those specific qualities vary between people. And so while I might find myself extremely mundane, I could be the most interesting person to someone else. 

So I realized that I love A for all of his mundane qualities. For the bushiness of his eyebrows, and the slope of his nose. For the twitch of his lips when he has a little surprise for me. To the blind eye, all of these things may seem mundane. But to me, all of these mundane qualities are perfection. 

Maybe that’s what love is. 

[themostunquietmind]

Day 22

Every night. I sit and I scroll. And I scroll and I scroll and I scroll. But there is not enough social media to fill your absence, not enough articles to occupy my mind. Where are you? Why aren't you here?

[themostunquietmind]

Day 21 pt 2

Day 1 as a couple: Status: unimpressed

[themostunquietmind]

Day 21

I'm scared for the future. If I can't tell my family, that means he isn't sure. I'm not sure how to proceed. I miss his touch.

[themostunquietmind]

Day 20

We're "together" He's my boyfriend. I'm his girlfriend. But I can't tell my family yet..? But I'm allowed to tell my friends? Actually encouraged to tell my friends haha. He called me girlfriend. We'll see how this goes.. I love him so much.

[themostunquietmind]

Day 19

And so the days continue. I wonder if things will ever get better or change. My life just seems like a vicious cycle of the same shit. And I'm trying to break the cycle. But even if I break the cycle, I don't know if it'll matter now. Even if I'm the perfect girlfriend/partner/whatever, I don't think I'll get the opportunity to prove it. I don't think we can move past this. I don't think he can forgive me. I don't know if we can recover from this. I try to imagine our future.. but I can't. Because I can't see us making it past this. He said some downright evil things to me yesterday. And it's so scary because he convinces me that he's right and then I end up hating myself. And I know that this is only going to be continued. How can I be with someone that makes me hate myself? I can't even be with him lol. How can I continue a relationship with someone that makes me hate myself. I will literally kill myself. That's so scary and so dangerous. But I have so much love for him. I know he doesn't believe me, but I honestly wouldn't have slept around if we were official. I needed the title. I needed to feel some sort of obligation to him. Maybe I was being rebellious? Maybe because he didn't want me, I was sticking it to the man, and showing him that other people wanted me. Well that's not quite accurate because it wasn't about him; it was about me. Maybe I was being rebellious for me. To make myself feel like I had some semblance of control in our relationship. Which is HILARIOUS because now I have no control over anything. Nothing at all. I do his bidding I'm all things. In all honesty, I'm kind of into it. But it also makes me nauseous. I'm only really submissive in the bedroom. I'm a headstrong, stubborn, brat... and I'm just rolling over for him. I think this was his goal -- to wait until he caught me fucking up so he had a reason to make me concede to him. But that's so evil... I honestly don't know. I don't know if we can recover from this. And I don't know if I'm up for trying. It might kill me.

[themostunquietmind]

Day 18 (whoops...)

Once again, I have failed myself. From day 5 to day 18? What trash am I lol. 

But where to begin. So many things have happened in the 2 weeks since I last wrote. First things first, I suppose: I did not kill myself. So woohoo for me. 

But I don’t understand how I’m still breathing when I literally feel like I’ve died. I don’t know if I’m alive. I don’t know if this is real life. I keep asking myself how I got here, how I got to this point. I sit and look at all of the events leading up to this moment and I feel... nothing. Maybe I need to dissect all of the events that got me here to find clarity. 

Tinder. What a glorious fucking app. What an app, guys. What a fucking app. For all of the miserable people to find other people just as miserable as them to do things God would not approve of. And voila! I found myself on this app... But who was first... 

Nathan: what a lovely man. Super skinny and nerdy. A redhead. He bought me chicken tenders at a restaurant in Richmond. And that’s it. No hooking up. No sex. We didn’t even kiss. What a lovely evening we had together. But the thing about Nathan is that he was out of my league. A literal genius. He only wanted to make money. He didn’t want children. He didn’t see the point. So when he told me he didn’t see us going anywhere, I wasn’t too upset. But of course he couldn’t just let it go there; he had to tell me the reasons things couldn’t work out between us. Essentially, I am an underachiever and I’m not going anywhere in life. Thank you, Nathan. My skewed perception of myself was not fulfilled without those words from you. 

So onto Navroop. Nav for short. What a lovely face he had. But unfortunately, that’s where the attraction ended. What a scrawny man. And he didn't have toilet paper in his apartment... I’m still salty about this. So I went to Nav’s for the sole purpose of hooking up because at this point A and I were going nowhere fast. So I went to sleep with Nav. But Nav was gross. After he gave me very precise pecks on the neck and lips, I should have left. But I convinced myself that I could do it! I could fucking do it. But I couldn’t. Once he took his pants off and said “what do you think” with the most smug look on his face, I grabbed my shit and left. Bye bye Nav. I don’t miss you. 

And then we get Brandon. Oh Brandon. Your inexperience made you so endearing. The steroids though.. I wasn’t a fan. Things with A and I were still so up in the air. No official status. No exclusion. Nothing. So Brandon. I actually remember some of the context with Brandon. I remember that I was so desperate for someone to want me... I had myself so convinced that all I needed was a physical connection -- someone to just sleep with regularly, and I would be happy. A and I were going to end. What was the point of even trying. So Brandon. He was close. He had a nice body (due to the steroids, but whatever). And he had a killer smile. So I slept with him. A whopping 3 times. The poor guy. He just wanted to get laid, but I realized that I’m not a casual sex kind of girl. So I made this poor man talk to me for 2 hours before I even let him touch me. But he was kind and patient, so it was okay. Unfortunately, he was also a flaming asshole. So when he told me he wanted a fuck buddy and that’s it, I was hype. But then he broke his own rules by asking me for girl advice. What a fucking cunt. So things ended after that. Although that didn’t stop him from reaching out occasionally asking for sex. I did not oblige. 

So after Brandon came Joe. Or was it Reza. Oh who cares. After Brandon came Joe. And Joe was a joy. He had this sweet little daughter. And he let me spend the night with him and he snuggled and it was so lovely. And I actually thought Joe and I had potential. But at  this point in my relationship with A, things were crumbling. So I was scared. So scared of being alone. So I threw myself at Joe and sufficiently scared the shit out of him. Joe and I only had sex twice. Enjoyable nonetheless, but not noteworthy. So when he told me he wanted to be friends with no benefits, I knew I wouldn’t ever see him again. So I was alone. Alone with A. Who didn’t want me. 

Which led me to Reza. The pharmacist wannabe. He was beautiful. Although his mild lisp drove me fucking bonkers. He literally met all of my requirements. Sweet, funnyy, outgoing, ambitious, a family man... And so many other things. But Reza was the Ashley to me as a Joe. He was so fucking into me. And I was not into that. But hey, everyone deserves a chance, right? Wrong. I should have just told Reza to fuck off. But I didn’t. So I added another useless number to my body count. Reza counts as the worst sex of my life (if we can even call it sex). By my definition, a guy humping you, yelling obscenities, and cumming in under 5 minutes doesn’t count as sex. But hey, I don’t make the rules. So where did I end up? Back with A. But A still didn’t want me for more than a minute. 

Kia. We can’t forget Kia. Forever my best friend. Bless that boy and the late night Skype calls in 8th grade while I was crying with a razor over my body and him begging me not to... What a guy. He was also the reason I took a handful of Benadryl (which only made me sleep for 48 hours -- trash), but that’s a story for another day. Kia stopped by on his way to Tech or something. I blew him. It was insignificant. It took about 5 minutes. But it matters. Everything matters. 

Jorey. Back to the past. So lonely. So fucking lonely. One friday night I invited him over at 10pm. He drove the hour and a half to see me. It was supposed to be just sex. But we had so much sex. I don’t even know how much, but damn it was a lot. And I was content with the sex. But things had to get so fucking complicated because he loves me. And I thought that I loved him. I mean I’m sure I’ll always love him, but not in the way he needs me to. So I broke his heart again. And for that I will forever be sorry. I hope he never forgives me; I don’t deserve it. But I told A about Jorey. A didn’t have a problem. A was doing the same with someone else. It was fine. It was cool. But it wasn’t. It never is. 

After Jorey came Mark and Jenn. I know they’re two separate people, but their stories go hand-in-hand. Mark, my internet crush for over 10 years. And his wife Jenn. I don’t even know why him and I started talking again... But we did. And that was such a huge mistake. So we talked. And I talked to his wife too. And she.... She is such a special individual. But she’s also fucking crazy. So hey, let’s just drive from colorado to VA for ashley’s 21st birthday. Why not. So they came. And it was so lovely. Dinner and drinks, and snuggles. So many wonderful things. I kissed Jenn a handful of times while they were here, but I didn’t even really touch Mark. He made me nervous. And on the last day, we talked about sex. We decided not to have sex. We decided that because I didn’t feel comfortable, we weren’t going to have sex. But that night, Jenn kissed me goodnight, but it didn’t stop at a goodnight kiss. It was just her and I for such a long time, I didn’t think Mark was going to join. But he eventually did. And it was an interesting experience. I don’t regret it because it was an experience. But I regret them. I regret bringing them into my life. I regret bringing them into my web of shit. They deserved so much better than me. And so does A... Of course he didn’t want me. I don’t want me. I don’t even know why he’s still talking to me... I want to die. 

But it doesn’t stop with Mark and Jenn. There was Ed. Who had a massive blowout breakup on Facebook. We talked after that because he was making very... distasteful posts about his ex. So we talked. And we snapped. And nothing ever came of it. He said he would visit me in Richmond, I said I’d visit him in NOVA. But it never happened. I’m full of empty promises. So him and his ex got back together, and good for them. But he still tried to hook up with me. He repeatedly asked for sexy snaps... I couldn’t oblige. I refused. We don’t talk anymore. 

And then Jake. My final fling. We met in a bar. He saved me from the creepiest of creeps. He kissed me on the dance floor and gave me his number. I had sex with Jake twice. Not noteworthy, but enjoyable at the time. Jake was exactly what I needed. A and I just had such a big blowout. We even called things off. But we were still in limbo. But Jake. Jake made me feel lovely. Like I was worth everything. He was so intrigued by me. But I had to say goodbye to Jake. Because A found out. And it’s better this way, because Jake didn’t deserve a person like me. No one deserves a person like me. A doesn’t deserve a person like me... 

So now it’s just me and A. But A hates me. A wants to cause me pain and tear me apart. And I’m going to let him. I deserve it. But I don’t think he deserves to have to deal with me. 

As much as I want to fight and claim that A and I were never together, were never official, I knew all of the guys above were wrong; I knew A would be pissed. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I was living for the moment. Stupid. Because none of it was worth losing him. Which I think needs to happen. I think I need to say goodbye to him. Because he deserves better than this. He deserves better than me. No one deserves to have to deal with me. No one. 

I really should kill myself. If I do, I won’t hurt the people in my life anymore. I won’t hurt the people not already in my life. I would do so many favors if I just disappeared. I want to disappear. 

[themostunquietmind]

Day 5

What a day. I think I should kill myself. 

I drank a little. I cried a lot. And then I saw him. 

Screaming. So much screaming. Nothing was resolved. No one is right, no one is wrong, but everything is a mess. But somehow I’m getting a second chance. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I want it. 

Circumstances: In the event that I do ANYTHING that angers him, he has the right to exit my life with no explanation. I’m. Fucking. Terrified. 

I have to delete my snapchat. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to have my friends. I can’t go out. I can’t do anything. I have to walk on egg shells. And I’m so scared. I’m scared because I know I’m going to fuck this up some how, but I’m also scared because I know this is going to kill me. 

While it is true that I must be the faithful little Nancy, it is not to be reciprocated. From my understanding, he will be sleeping with a total of 5 women because that’s the number of guys I slept with. Oh, and let’s not forget that WE are not having sex. So I’m completely celibate, but he’s going to be screwing other women. And I have to be okay with it because I did it to him. 

It makes sense. I do understand it. I get his rationale. But I also know it’s literally going to kill me. I can’t handle this. I can’t handle anything. And the fucking sex torture (or lack thereof)... Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

I don’t know how I got here. I should really tell him to go fuck himself because this isn’t fair. How can he ask me to knowingly go into a non-relationship in which I am to be completely faithful and have the knowledge that he isn’t? I don’t know how I’m going to do this... I don’t know how I can not do this. 

I just want to die. How did I get here? He’s going to destroy me. 

[themostunquietmind]

Day 4

I said my goodbye. I ache.

[themostunquietmind]

Day 3 part 2

"You fall in love the way you fall asleep... slowly and then all at once"

[themostunquietmind]

Day 3

“That’s the thing about pain... It demands to be felt.”

[themostunquietmind]

Day 2 part 1

I cut myself today. First time since I was like 16. How did I get back to this point.

[themostunquietmind]

Fireball is trash

And so am I

[themostunquietmind]

Day 1

In a desperate attempt to get my shit together, I have decided to start a journal/blog. But of course, why not write in a real journal? Because I don’t have the fucking time. So here I am. 

I don’t know how I let my life get to this point. And in saying that, I kind of hate myself because my life really isn’t that bad. The only reason my life feels so shitty is because I’m kind of shitty and I do pretty shitty things. 

My latest fiasco involves a boy (don’t they always.....). And I know every girl experiencing heart break is in the most pain imaginable, but I’m very much in the most pain imaginable. It’s actually worse than I could imagine. 

I’m stuck in a really weird place right now. I don’t know if I hate myself or hate him. I don’t know if things fell apart because I’m a terrible person or if he’s just an asshole. Realistically, it’s probably some combination of the two. But he’s a strong believer in absolutes... when it’s convenient for him. 

We’re may be together. We’re not together nor are we exclusive. But I’m not allowed to sleep with other people. But remember, we aren’t together, nor are we exclusive. Are you confused? Me too! 

So I fucked other people. And I did lie about it because I’m trash. And I guess me choosing not to tell him means I was ashamed of it or felt like I needed to hide it. Which is important to note... But I don’t think me actually sleeping around is like a huge problem. I mean I’ve asked this dude a million times to be my boyfriend and to make things official, but he avoided the questions. What am I supposed to do with that... 

So now things are over and I feel like ass. 

The OCD doesn’t really help. Obsessive thoughts. All the time. I want to just turn my brain off... But I can’t. I’m so tired. I want to die. I just don’t want this life anymore. I really, really don’t. I’ve never really wanted it. 

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why isn’t one guy ever enough. Like why do I do this. This self sabotage. I literally set myself up for failure. Of course he was going to find out. Of course shit was going to hit the fan. But I did it anyways. Not that what I did was like truly bad (the sleeping around anyways). But like... idk. I’m tired. I’m tired and my heart hurts and he’s gone. And I am all alone.