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[thelazydoughnut]

#photooftheday #photography #cute #blackhairgirls #blackhair #blackandwhite #bw #portland #pdx #instalike #instagram #photooftheday #girlswithglasses #girls #like #portraitphotography #blackandwhitephotography #curvygirl #curves #ha #happylife #love https://www.instagram.com/quinzelaple/p/BwvqPQcgMgp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ca9x8vz1c423

[thelazydoughnut]

#photography #photooftheday #photo #photographer #love #instagood #art #like #picoftheday #instagram #followl #portrait #ig #landscape #portlandartist #pdx #portraitphotography #portlanderatheart #pic #portland #blackhairgirls #blackandwhite #blackhair #style #life #fotografia #bhfyp #instadaily #girlswithglasses #girlswithtattoos #girls (at Portland, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/quinzelaple/p/Bwvph5rhtjL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1buwsbkm2ka1g

[thelazydoughnut]

It's been a while and I look better. This doesn't make me any less bored.

[thelazydoughnut]

I'm not any less bored.

[thelazydoughnut]

I had to repost this after finding a better picture. #weddingday #bestfriendgoals #themoyers #portlandoregon #chinesegardensportland #2018 https://www.instagram.com/p/BrCXpLPgPdt/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6jk8oozs1j3c

[thelazydoughnut]

[thelazydoughnut]

It was the best of times it was the worst of times

I know that tomorrow I will wake up in a somber mood. I will be surrounded by sounds of the city but also be very much alone. I'll run through my head a check list of projects around the apartment that need to get done and come to the realization that the only way I'm contributing to this family is trying in vain to keep myself productive and occupied. Both for my sanity and the guilt of being out of work with absolutely no direction in sight. I try to reassure myself that this is a rough patch and very temporary, however this rough patch has extended for far too long that I'm starting to lose hope. There is always the reassuring thought that I deal with far more than most people my age. With my plethora of ailments both mentally and physically, I try to cut myself a break by thinking that I'm just trying to hang in there with didebilitating depression. I counter this and think of my fighting moments where I went above and beyond in my field of work.

This constant struggle is like ying and yang. Forever conflicted and only have small relevance to each other.

[thelazydoughnut]

I'm fine.

I'm not even sure where to begin. My soul is extremely bitter and angry. Sometimes I wonder if I were to scream at all those supposed people who care for me and tell them that I hate them for ignoring me. That's all I am is ignored. Everywhere. Doesn't matter what I say or what I do, I am ignored. No one gives a flying fuck. Not doctors, therapists, "friends". No one knows me and fuck you if you think you do. You dont know a fucking thing about me. There is only one person who truly knows me and that's because he actually took the time to find out those things. So take my bitter tears and shove them somewhere you lousy fucks.

[thelazydoughnut]

[thelazydoughnut]

[thelazydoughnut]

Checkmate

I cant help but have this uneasy feeling that you might want to subconsciously punish me for being the ultimate bad guy. It scares me and makes me feel vulnerable because in reality I probably deserve it. But what really scares me is that my insecurities will come to the surface feeling this way. I've made huge steps in my self assurance but when something or someone has this incredible power over me and all the ammo in the world to hurt me in the worst way possible, that would make anyone uneasy at times. Heartbreak is the worst kind of pain.

In simpler terms, I'm scared. No, terrified that you'll do to me what I did to you. I'm so fucking scared that you could ruin me at any given moment. It's a power that not many have over me.

There arent a lot of people that can put up with me. I will be the first to say it. Am I worth it? I sure as fuck hope so but are you worth it? Absolutely, without a doubt in my mind.

Saying that I love you just doesn't feel like enough. Its tired and out of date. I feel for you way passed the "I love yous" into something beyond that. Maybe it simply doesn't have a name. Or maybe because this feeling is so foreign to me that I dont know how to properly describe it. Regardless, my heart still skips a beat when I hear your voice, I get butterflies in my stomach when you walk through the door after coming home from work. When we are on opposite ends of the bed, a mere four feet away, I feel like it's sometimes too far. This is something beyond the traditional love. This is us, building a foundation for our lives, going through shitty situations together, gathering experiences and stories, leaning on each other in hard times.

I just want you to know how hard I'm trying. For us. The future looks bright and I want you in it. Forever. ♡ I love you, jon.

[thelazydoughnut]

I'm sad.

[thelazydoughnut]

[thelazydoughnut]

Blamk

Work. Work work work work.

First day of the job. Teaching me things I already knew. My prior coffee experience was not a waste. Amazing with how bad my memory is that I still remember information from when I was 18.

I had to kick a homeless guy out of the cafe where my new job is. In our defense, he was the worst smelling person that has ever offended my nostrils. This says something seeing as how I'm not a stranger to being without a home.

My manager and coworker exchanged worried and dreaded glances. It was inevitable that someone was going to complain. I stepped in, saying I'd take care of it. I know how to approach the situation. Looking back, it could have taken as a show off gesture which wasn't my intention. Regardless, we had to take action for someone to remove him since he was full of endless excuses when I politely asked him to leave. It broke my heart because I kept getting memories of sleeping on park benches or cold parking garages, trying to keep warm. I know that whatever his reason for being homeless could have been prevented by people who didnt bother to step in and help. I had to explain that he smelled to which he gave a sad reply that "no one has ever told me that before." I was stuck between being a person who was trying to do my job and the junkie, no confidence, little whelp that never wanted to speak out. The situation eventually was taken care of.

Situations like those make me stay humble. No matter where I go or how successful I get, I will always have my old self whispering the memories into my cerebral cortex about where I used to be.

[thelazydoughnut]

K.E.

Oh, so this is how it's going to go? So, everything will suck right now and there is no safe place without seeing you everywhere?

Guess what, when people hurt me really bad, I remove them from my life. When they try to convince me that the one person I trust more than anyone has been telling you personal info about our relationship when I know it's not true, well, welcome to my shit list. When you constantly remind me that you feel superior to me and that my life is minuscule compared to yours, yeah, go fuck yourself. You need to be put in your place. Your arrogance has ruined whatever relationship we will ever have. I want you as far away from me as possible.

To boil it all down, you kicked me when I was down. That is unforgivable. I have no time for people with that arrogant behavior, that is toxic to me. You must have very low self esteem to constantly need to compare yourself to me. Maybe you should take a seat in the humble corner.

What even pisses me off the most, is because of how pathetic I felt at the time, I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't get the satisfaction of putting you in your place myself. I remained weak and let you walk all over me. I'm so angry as myself for that.

So bottom line, if I said this to your face, you'd come up with a million excuses for yourself just to save face. I'm not interested in hearing whatever you say, you are done. Get far away from me so you can't ever hurt me again.

[thelazydoughnut]

Social media: fair game

Why do I let social media status effect me? No matter what I post, the most I get is around 5 likes. Are people just not paying attention? Why is this ridiculous thing effecting my confidence? It's like I worked so hard to gain my confidence back and it's starting to deflate.

I posted something that was very important to me and was extremely bold. So far, it's got nothing. Nadda. Are my friends really that flakey to not support me when I'm trying to break out of my shell? I already know I have no friends. No one, and I mean no one, has stuck by me for longer than a few years. Somehow they always disappear. This is probably why my walls are so high and thick. I feel that so many people don't deserve to know the real me. They have to earn it and prove it to me. Until then, I remain in my shell, closed off to the world, while getting more and more bitter at people. There aren't many genuine people left out there.

This is why my wedding only consists of around 20 people.

[thelazydoughnut]

Hey look me over, lend me an ear

For some strange reason I got a flood of memories all hitting me at once. All the those memories revolved around the bleak life I was living not to long ago.

After I left my bf of 7 years, I had no place to go. Jon, my best friend, took me in to the room he was renting out in Gresham (yuck). I was just thankful I want sleeping on the street (yet), or in the break room at work. So we took the hour long bus ride to his house from downtown Portland. I have to say, I loved that little room. So freaking cozy. The bathroom however is exactly what you'd expect a bathroom to be with three guys sharing it. Also the shower was the smallest shower I've ever used. It was seriously something that belonged on a fishing boat.

Jon made me feel at home. As always, he's the rare type that is incredibly giving. caring and will jump to help you if asked no matter what he's doing. His one major flaw is that he never puts himself first. He knows what it's like to not have anything and that shows through his personality and actions of care. I'm not being biased when I say Jon is one incredible person. Another time will go into detail and the extent of how he was my guardian angel while also the selfish prick that hurt him and worried him like no other. His actions towards me are nothing short of true love.

I sometimes wonder if when he saw me in active addiction if he ever saw himself. There are some parallels to my story but they are also typical events in any addiction story. I can't imagine watching someone you love destroy themselves and helplessly standing by. I think of my mom and my dad. My dad was an alcoholic until I was around 12, I think. I actually don't remember any incidents. Only the clinking of ice with scotch in a glass. A lot of people feel pity for me when they here this about my life. What they don't understand is even when my dad was in the midst of his low, he was still an amazing dad. He has never mistreated me or anyone of my family that I know of. I feel good people still shine through and give a glimmer of hope from their real self. No addict is hopelessly lost. Ever. But they have to want it.

I do have to mention my mother as well. She's a lot like Jon. She puts herself before anyone which also makes her number one in her career. My mom is one of the toughest people I know next to Jon and my dad. I am so incredibly blessed to have them in my life.

I have so many painful memories that I try so hard to repress. It's something I never want to relive again and keeps me away from that poison. Thinking of going back literally makes my heart flutter and my palms sweat. I get this hot shaky feeling that doesn't go away until I bury the memories. Bad stuff happens out there. Things that I smother to forget. Things I never want to speak of again. Things that have slapped the sense into me. Life is all one big lesson and sometimes those lessons hurt.

I do have a funny memory, at least it funny to me.

I had this friend who owned a cart near my usual bar. Located in the sketchiest park of Portland. I loved the thrill of dangerous territory. That's why I was attracted to the bar located where it was. So this guy and I met after buying food from him. We got to taking and he invited me into his cart. He offered me a beer in a coffee cup, like we did at voodoo doughnuts, and had fun conversations while he cooked. After that I started visiting every Fri and Sat. Those days were the only days he work because the foot traffic from all the club's brought in a lot of business. We got to know each other quite well. He knew about my life and I knew about his. We would always get drunk and I honestly don't remember how I got home.

I need to back up and explain and important detail. This guy has a young son and another one on the way with his wife. So after a night visiting him, as we were both drunk, he got a little flirty. Drunk me makes terrible decisions when it comes to men and sex. That's how I ended up having sex with a guy whose name I forgot in the VIP bathroom above a club.

I went back to jons and we had our usual time to chill and decompress, so thankful for the warm sage place I could stay and his company. My phone started buzzing. A lot. I looked and it was the food cart guy. I answered back and minutes later he was sexting me. Jon had to remind me of this memory because I had completely forgotten. So a different day I was headed to my local dive. I hustled by his food cart into the bar and remained unseen. After having too much at the bar, I made my way down to his cart. Lo behold he had more alcohol and of course I drank it. He started getting nearer and nearer to me until we started making out and his hand was inching towards my belt. You will not believe this but 10 seconds later we hear a woman's voice call out. It was his mothafuckin wife. I felt like a total asshole when I think back to this moment.

She was sticking around so I left. It's dark out and somehow I called Jon to tell him I was trying to get to his place. That's the last thing I remember before waking up by the cops. Those guys were super cool and caring. They gently asked a few questions which I responded to the best of my ability, they hand cuffed me and put me in the back seat. I vaguely remember laying down on the seat not being able to hold myself up. My next memory is in the drunk tank. There was one other girl who was laying on the floor asleep or passed out. I figured I'd do the same. The next thing I woke to was another girl getting thrown in here with us. She immediately started puking and the first girl shouted "shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I remember thinking "where the hell am I?" Towards the early morning I was the first one to be released. They gave me my stuff and some of it was in plastic evidence bags which I actually still have.

The sun was barely peaking. I called Jon again and figured I owed him an apology. He was more relieved than angry as I scared him shitless. It was around 6am and the both of us had to be at work around 1pm. I miraculously hopped on a bus and made it to jons place. Also I looked in the mirror and had a bruise under my left eye. I'm laughing about this now. Recently I actually told my parents this story and I bet you can imagine their reactions.

I still can't believe we made it into work and survived the day. Also, the food cart guy never texted me again and I never saw him again. It's for the best but I still feel awful.

Now, I'm going to go kiss my sleeping fiance because when I reflect on these memories it makes him appreciate him more. I hope the rest of you will find your Jon.