thelarkingherald

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Boris vehemently denies shitting his pants whilst doing a press up

Going through old articles. Remember when Boris randomly did a pushup to show how strong he was? Yea... Weird. Boris vehemently denies shitting his pants whilst doing a press up #satire #satire #spoofnews #fakenews #humor #comedy

By Tony Curram During an interview designed to boost public confidence in the government and reassure the public that we have a solid post Covid economic recovery plan, a bizarre turn of events saw the PM throw himself to the floor and carry out a press up to show he was ‘as fit as a butchers dog’. While the act has been met mostly with mocking over the last few days, with some comparing it to…

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Boris trials new flavours of lockdown including: ‘Lockdown lite’, ‘Lockdown Zero’ and ‘I can’t believe it’s not Lockdown

Boris trials new flavours of lockdown including: ‘Lockdown lite’, ‘Lockdown Zero’ and ‘I can’t believe it’s not Lockdown #satire #spoofnews #fakenews #humor #comedy #Lockdown3

By Acton Murry Research groups have found the current UK tier system has left a bitter taste in peoples mouths after jumping from tier two up to tier three, then suddenly tier four overnight. However, cunning and highly competent Government officials are already working on a counter plan. As Priti Patel said: ‘We’ve been constantly ahead of the curve’…. ‘We’re going to rebrand’ said Boris,…

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Rabid traffic wardens descend on M20 car park desperate to get their ticket fix

Rabid traffic wardens descend on M20 car park desperate to get their ticket fix #M20 #satire #spoofnews #fakenews #humor #comedy

By Acton Murry Traffic wardens desperate to get their daily fix of truly f**king up someone’s day have descended ‘like a plague of locusts’ on the newly formed M20 lorry park. Many have had to go weeks or even months without writing a ticket. The lorry park, which is the first of the UKs promised big infrastructure projects, can currently be seen from space. With advocates boasting that this…

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‘Coronavirus and Brexit’ shittiest duo since Jedward, UK TV viewers confirm

‘Coronavirus and Brexit’ shittiest duo since Jedward, UK TV viewers confirm #satire #spoofnews #fakenews #humor #comedy

By Tony Curram UK TV viewers yesterday were left with a vaguely familiar bad taste in their mouth and desire to bleach their eyeballs, not felt since Jedward were last on our screens, after both Brexit and Coronavirus took centre stage together on UK TV. The duo had viewers in their millions muttering ‘fuck this’ and reaching for the remote, putting anything from BBC 3’s Hot Property on, to…

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Families braced to receive 'influx of crap' from panic buyers

Families braced to receive 'influx of crap' from panic buyers #satire #spoofnews #humor #comedy #lastminutegifts

By Acton Murry Families in tier 4 zones have resigned themselves to the inevitable influx of ‘any old crap’ from last minute Christmas shopper relatives. With no time left for deliveries, and only essential retail outlets open, panic shoppers have descended on supermarket ‘seasonal gift’ aisles and petrol stations. We spoke to one shopper, Mr Benison, who said: ‘I managed to pick Nan up a…

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Whistle blower reveals abhorrent conditions inside Battery Chickpea farm

Whistle blower reveals abhorrent conditions inside Battery Chickpea farm #satire #spoofnews #fakenews #humor #comedy

By Acton Murry An industry insider has turned whistle blower to expose the cramped, squalid and frankly inhuman conditions UK Chickpeas endure to enable the industry to meet demand and remain cost effective. Chickpeas are piled together in their thousands, as pictured, with no room to move properly. Many Chickpeas are injured due to the cramped conditions and are left to suffer and slowly die,…

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Savvy Boris dodges potentially ‘Hellish’ Christmas with the in-laws

Savvy Boris dodges potentially ‘Hellish’ Christmas with the in-laws #christmasiscancelled #tier4 #Boris

By Acton Murry Prime Minister Boris Johnson pulled a blinder last night by fulfilling every married man’s ultimate fantasy; creating a cast Iron excuse not to have Christmas with the In-laws. In a Larking Herald exclusive interview, Mr Johnson said: ‘I had been holding out, trying to give the whole nation some form of Christmas and, most importantly, some retail spending time. Then Carrie…

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Hunting parties being exempt from the rule of 6 ‘shows how compassionate and in touch with the general public we are’ confirms Boris.

Hunting parties being exempt from the rule of 6 ‘shows how compassionate and in touch with the general public we are’ confirms Boris. #RuleOfSix

By Acton Murry

As much of the UK get used to and adopts new restrictions to daily life, many have been left scratching their head and confused by the rule of 6.

“I don’t get it!” moaned Sarah Munch from Slough “I can go to my office block and spend all day breathing in the same recirculated air with 40 other people, but I can’t have 7 of those people I work with daily over for a BBQ in the…

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“What you doing?” Asks toddler with boundary issues

“What you doing?” Asks toddler with boundary issues #spoofnews #toddlers #parenting

By Tony Curram

A father from Surrey has been asked what he is doing for the ten thousandth time, when it is quite apparent what he is doing, by his toddler who apparently has severe boundary issues.

The incident happened at 08:03am Thursday morning when Acton Murry, father of four, awoke with his children. After offering all the food in the kitchen cupboard as tribute to appease his unruly…

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Freelance photographers still patiently waiting to snap first photo of Prince Andrew sweating

Freelance photographers still patiently waiting to snap first photo of Prince Andrew sweating #satire #PrinceAndrew #UKHeatwave

By Tony Curram

Photographers the world over are braving the excruciating heat, patiently waiting in well-constructed hides to snap the first photos of the Prince sweating profusely.

Virginia Roberts Giuffre, who alleges she was trafficked to London to have sex with the Duke of York, described vividly how she remembered the Duke ‘sweating all over me’, only to have the Prince refute the…

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Sadomasochist left deeply disappointed after seeing #MaskMoaners trending on twitter.

Sadomasochist left deeply disappointed after seeing #MaskMoaners trending on twitter. #satire #MaskMoaners #wearthemask

By Tony Curram

A Sadomasochist has been left bitterly disappointed this morning after logging onto social media platform Twitter and seeing the hashtag ‘Mask Moaners’ trending, only to realise it was people complaining about the wearing of face coverings.

“I got so excited!” said Mr Grey from Essex “I usually keep quiet about my preferences for fear of ridicule, and have to go to some dark…

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UK enters second week of attempting to appease angry fire god with sacrificial fair haired offerings

UK enters second week of attempting to appease angry fire god with sacrificial fair haired offerings #satire #UKHeatwave

By Tony Curram

With temperatures soaring to the high thirties in the UK this week, leaving many feeling like melted welly boots, religious zealots have upped attempts to pacify the angry fire god by rounding up all fair haired individuals and tying them outside in the midday heat.

“The fire orb is angry! THE FIRE ORB IS ANGRY!!” screamed one man from Kent, whilst tying a thoroughly weary Mr…

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‘Bre-X-it Gon' Give It to Ya’ as PM asks rapper DMX to join the negotiation team

‘Bre-X-it Gon' Give It to Ya’ as PM asks rapper DMX to join the negotiation team #satire #Brexit #DMX

By Tony Curram

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has made a shocking announcement today, stating he has invited American rapper DMX to join the Brexit negotiations after hearing his song ‘ X Gon’ Give It to Ya’.

“I thought it was masterpiece!” declared Boris Johnson “listening to those lyrics, I was both confused yet intrigued; what is he going to give to me? How is he going to deliver it? And…

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People who were desperate to return to work for months already praying for it to be Friday, new study reveals

People who were desperate to return to work for months already praying for it to be Friday, new study reveals #returntowork

By Acton Murry

A new study has revealed that 68% of the UK work force, who have been eager to return to normality and work, are already praying for it to be Friday, with another 57% already wishing to take some holiday time.

“It’s true what they say: ‘be careful what you wish for’, I only have myself to blame!” moaned Mr Garity, an accountant from Croydon.

“I mean, I’ve been working from…

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‘NHS not for sale’ confirms government that can’t decide what day it is

‘NHS not for sale’ confirms government that can’t decide what day it is #satire #NHSNotForSale #NHS

By Tony Curram

The same government that has displayed you can trust them as just as far as you can trust John Terry with your wife, have declared the NHS is not for sale.

After voting down key legislation that would ensure the NHS could not be a part of any future trade deals, the government have been quick to extend their usual drivel, so we decided to compile our own list of U-turns:

S…

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Russia report nearly ready for release as Putin finishes final proof read

Russia report nearly ready for release as Putin finishes final proof read #satire #RussiaReport

By Tony Curram

The overly awaited Russia report, a detailed analysis of alleged Russian interference in the 2017 general election and the 2016 Brexit vote, is to be published next week as Putin finally finishes crucial last edit.

With the report being completed last year, many have speculated that the repeat delays means the report most likely contains details embarrassing for the…

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“Wuhan? What Wuhan? There’s no Wuhan here; you’re mistaken.” insist China.

“Wuhan? What Wuhan? There’s no Wuhan here; you’re mistaken.” insist China. #satire #COVID19

By Tony Curram

BBC news crews attempting to cover the ‘ground zero’ of the Coronavirus outbreak have become increasingly exasperated with Chinese officials attempts to block their recording, and refusal to answer questions.

News crews attempting to explore several different avenues of enquiry, including first-hand accounts from medical staff regarding the handling of the initial outbreak,…