theinvisibletherapist-blog

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Sylent

And one day you realise you are nothing.

You were no longer needed.

And you’ll never know why

Because the truth would kill you

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

The Torrent

It's like accepting that you are the only one in a void and then a lifetime later, when you are almost near the end, you find out that you had life to live but it was taken away and no one told you. People in prison feel like that...don’t they? You stay silent because it’s easier. They don’t want to know that you’re there. They don’t want to hear, but it’s there. Waiting. Then there’s an explosion, things go missing, they know it’s you, but it’s too late they can’t get it back. They argue with each other and the noise is everywhere. Their obsession. Their rage. Their frustration. Their pain. In the void.

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Alison

Always

All my life

Because they all hate each other.

They drag each other down. They bitch and criticise each other.

No one is safe. They are jealous of everything.

They think they are so wonderful just because they have given birth.

They hate children.

They want to control everything that it does. They cook crap and they insist the child eats it because their food is proof of their love. FFS.

Yes I hate women. I hate everything about them.The ones who sweep their eyes over you ,up and down, taking everything in. Comparing, looking for imperfections, mocking. They hate themselves.

Of course they do. And they hate their daughters for having anything or doing anything better than them. It’s constant belittling and it never ends.....

Until you die

I warn my friends not to trust anyone, especially women.They think I’m too protective of them , far from it, they don’t see what I see. I see through the pretense, they won’t find good people if I don’t protect them.

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Vermillion

I won't ever get away

Because I am trapped They need me

I don't know

To do the right thing when they are around And maybe when they are not around But I always feel like they are around

They say I must be grateful Without them I am helpless

I read a lot and I have my radio

I always look out of the window People can't see me They don't look up when they walk I imagine their lives, their romances, the places they go to Boyfriends girlfriends kisses hugs loving Belonging

The girls at school said they would go out on the last day of term I asked if I could go, I thought it might be ok, It was the last day and then I would be back in my room as usual afterwards He was very abrupt and said no He said we were pretending to be 'big people' (He meant 'grown ups') I never went to school dances or outings I thought this one might be ok , it was just four 14 year old girls (V smiles) Guess he was scared

Of something bad happening to me

It didn't matter, last day of school meant I wouldn't hear about it the next day

No need to be jealous

Quite often Then I'd think of the African children in the Oxfam tv adverts I'd be so grateful that I wasn't starving and had a roof over my head And I had my radio

I dreamt about all the things  I would do when I got away I'd cut my hair, I put all the colours of the rainbow in it. The punks did wonderful things with make up, safety pins and leather I bought a fake leather skirt in secret I was afraid to wear When I tried it on I felt so uncomfortable, terrified I spiked up my hair with lots of her hairspray I wanted a Siouxie Sioux look.

Just for the mirror....so silly

I could never cut my hair She said he wanted it like that I think he hated it when she cut hers on their wedding day She said she never had long hair in the first place But I have picture where she did, she looked pretty Years later  he said, I’m paraphrasing, Women brushing their hair was meant to seduce men

I don't know, I just knew I wasn't supposed to think about my looks My mother hated my hair She would scrape it back into a plait most school days

She might do it a little differently on school photograph days I felt like I'd been given a treat.

Yes, I was a bit nervous in the queue for the photographer He would be friendly to all the girls even the foreign ones But she didn't like the pictures of me

My cousins laughed because my front teeth were missing and I was fat I just thought ,my hair looked nice for once, not my face I thought it was a bit pretty and made me look cute

One day when I’m older I will get away and do what I liked to my hair Wear it long, back combed or layered with a fringe, all kinds of stuff

Only if I get away

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Blue Checks

She is very very generous. She always wants to give people things and she loves looking after people. He’s a bit like that too, always happy and smiling. They love it when their friends come round and she cooks all kinds of things and he gets alcohol out sometimes from the drinks cabinet under the phone. I don’t touch those bottles when I clean the cupboard. I like to clean the glasses so that she will be happy. I broke one one morning and I was being so careful, they were still upstairs and I was so scared but when I told them I didn’t get into trouble. That was amazing! It was a lovely glass. He wasn’t a drinker but he liked to offer it. He always noticed how much one uncle would get through but he didn’t mind. He laughed about it. I know it was expensive stuff. They would always be so happy together with an aunty and uncle. They would call them brother and sister even if they were older than them. Well he did it mostly, he always like to make other people feel bigger or better than him. He always said nice things to people and tell jokes to make them smile.

Yes...Alison doesn’t .... she doesn’t like my mother. I don’t know why because she is so good, always caring for people if they are sick at the home or visiting people who are dying or buying their shopping if they can’t walk and bringing food to people if they can’t cook and if someone died they would visit and keep them company and they were very kind and concerned.

She says, I don’t know why, maybe she , well , she says stuff about her

Stuff like -

She is obsessed with feeding. Is this why she ignores your eating disorder? She is obsessed with money. Is this why she steals, making you an accomplice?

But that’s not true

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Sylent

I was crushed.

So I stayed crushed and crumpled and fetal.

It is safe and warm.

I have air.

Just enough.

I don’t need much.

As long as I can think.

Or sleep

I can hear distant birds

A rush of cars speeding to the future

No brakes just gone away

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Ethereal

It’s always going well.

Oh yes I have so many ideas.

And I want people to feel happy.

I want to fly out the window like a sparrow.

I want to be the sunlight in the morning.

I want to pick all the music to fill the house.

I want shiny sparkles everywhere

I want all the pretty things and all the beautiful things to brighten everything around everybody and they will smile and feel happy

I am not good with illnesses.

I don’t like being around it................. I’m so selfish aren’t i?

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Deplisha

I am not whole                                                                                                      

I take parts from people and try them out

Well it makes other people happy

What?

I don’t like that word

Sounds like something is missing, broken

Well..it’s a word that makes me feel hopeless. Depleted - on the ground, tired, gone. Like  - departed (laughs)

Yes, I know it’s supposed to, but, you know, it’s a bit, you know ,I dunno, final

I’m trying to explain

I am fragments.

I don’t see a face in the mirror

I see wrinkly eyes and miserable mouth and asymmetrical thick eyebrows and hair where it shouldn’t be like around my mouth and a nose with little holes that get dirt in them and white heads, ears are weird too, my hair is wrong.

Sometimes I see glimpses of what I could be all the time.Their warm love reaches into me. But I’m not used to that. I don’t take it for granted though.

Maybe I do though. I don’t acknowledge it, so I don’t get a chance to take it for granted. I try to make them know it’s working. That I can see them, I can see what they are doing. I don’t want to hurt them.

No, I see.... people

No, they are whole. They are normal,walking, talking, big, fat, short, tall, thin ,long hair ,short hair, everything but they are whole and happy

They must be happy

Because they are whole

I am being honest here.

I still walk around feeling cracked and incomplete.

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Sylent

She said she didn’t know who would look after me when she was gone.

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Seablue

I love to draw princesses and princes. I love Cinderella at the ball and arriving there and everyone thinking who is this person. And then the prince sees her and comes over to her and kisses her hand and asks her to dance. And all the courtiers don’t know who this person is but the prince knows in his heart she is the right one and he wants to marry her. And she loves him and wants him to marry her. But she forgot that she couldn’t stay too long at the ball and when she heard the clock strike twelve, she ran and ran before he found out who she really was. She wasn’t a princess. She was nothing

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Paper Planes

Dual paper planes

It makes me fold

Down the middle

Then the sides

Pressed into points

A small tear here

And another one there

And I saw you fold

And I did the same too

And it flew

And it flew

Can we fly in the garden

No we’re not allowed outside

We’ll pretend we have sky

Turn the black walls to white

See which one goes the fastest

See which one can hit the wall

I can beat you yes I’ll beat you

But I give in to the thrill of it all

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Darka

Yeah, I like the dark

I’m a night bird

I want to go out and dress up and go dancing

I love drinking and seeing the stars and walking in the night down the bright streets with coloured lights

I can hear the music clearer when it’s dark

And the radio

I love it

I don’t have much make up bit I can do a lot with black eye pencil

My mother uses something like that too

My father doesn’t like makeup..or me wearing makeup

Don’t know why

Some of his relatives wear a lot of make up

But he doesn’t think that’s bad

Or anything

In the night I stand at my window , with nothing

And no one can see me

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Sylent

Smaller

I don’t think I can be anything else

The boat sailed without me

There are big moments when I think I can fly

I think I am turning into something else

Sometimes I can see that no one  believes me

Sometimes I can see that no one sees me

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Blue Checks

I always stay in line.I love walking on the pavement cracks. I fix them when I stand on them (smiles).  I wouldn’t notice her hand, if she tugged a little harder to stop me from walking into dog mess. I think I tried to notice things the way she did but I didn’t. She would still tug (laughs) She really was obsessed with dirt and cleaning. Yeah... the place smelt of pine disinfectant.....pine. What’s pine? Some green thing in the bottle. She had to clean, it was a good thing. England was dirty. There was so much dirt in the air. She said when she found out how much dust there was in the air it shocked her. I was sorry for her then. She couldn’t clean the air.

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Sylent

It’s just easier.

Because no one wants me to speak

They tell me what to say

They hit me if I don’t say it right

But they can’t tell me what to think

I think a lot

I am going to die

I am going to be famous

I am going to have lots of people love my music

I am going to connect with all the like souls

I won’t be alone anymore

I won’t have to speak

Everyone will know

Maybe I’ll  get Blue to tell everyone

I’m tired now