#vermillion vermillionfirstsession theinvisibletherapist

[theinvisibletherapist-blog]

Vermillion

I won't ever get away

Because I am trapped They need me

I don't know

To do the right thing when they are around And maybe when they are not around But I always feel like they are around

They say I must be grateful Without them I am helpless

I read a lot and I have my radio

I always look out of the window People can't see me They don't look up when they walk I imagine their lives, their romances, the places they go to Boyfriends girlfriends kisses hugs loving Belonging

The girls at school said they would go out on the last day of term I asked if I could go, I thought it might be ok, It was the last day and then I would be back in my room as usual afterwards He was very abrupt and said no He said we were pretending to be 'big people' (He meant 'grown ups') I never went to school dances or outings I thought this one might be ok , it was just four 14 year old girls (V smiles) Guess he was scared

Of something bad happening to me

It didn't matter, last day of school meant I wouldn't hear about it the next day

No need to be jealous

Quite often Then I'd think of the African children in the Oxfam tv adverts I'd be so grateful that I wasn't starving and had a roof over my head And I had my radio

I dreamt about all the things  I would do when I got away I'd cut my hair, I put all the colours of the rainbow in it. The punks did wonderful things with make up, safety pins and leather I bought a fake leather skirt in secret I was afraid to wear When I tried it on I felt so uncomfortable, terrified I spiked up my hair with lots of her hairspray I wanted a Siouxie Sioux look.

Just for the mirror....so silly

I could never cut my hair She said he wanted it like that I think he hated it when she cut hers on their wedding day She said she never had long hair in the first place But I have picture where she did, she looked pretty Years later  he said, I’m paraphrasing, Women brushing their hair was meant to seduce men

I don't know, I just knew I wasn't supposed to think about my looks My mother hated my hair She would scrape it back into a plait most school days

She might do it a little differently on school photograph days I felt like I'd been given a treat.

Yes, I was a bit nervous in the queue for the photographer He would be friendly to all the girls even the foreign ones But she didn't like the pictures of me

My cousins laughed because my front teeth were missing and I was fat I just thought ,my hair looked nice for once, not my face I thought it was a bit pretty and made me look cute

One day when I’m older I will get away and do what I liked to my hair Wear it long, back combed or layered with a fringe, all kinds of stuff

Only if I get away