thegreyareabetween

[thegreyareabetween]

I miss you.

I miss you a lot.

I miss you every single day.

The pain of being alone is excruciating.

It wasn’t your decision, though.

It was mine.

I regret it.

But I know it was for the best.

You don’t deserve to feel all of the pain you do.

So you don’t deserve to also feel my pain too.

A relationship built on communication is key.

We were communicating.

We were honest.

And if I’m being honest?

I don’t deserve you.

I ended it.

I made the decision.

For the sake of both of us.

To avoid something that could become toxic.

To avoid both of us spiraling out of control.

It hurt me so much to do.

And hurt you even more to hear.

And now you’re out again with other people.

People who don’t deserve you either.

And I’m still stuck in my rut.

My rut broke us apart.

And it’s holding me back.

While it hurts me,

It was for the best for you.

You didn’t want to do it.

But I saw the path we were going down.

While I miss you.

While I miss you a lot.

While I miss you so much my hearts breaks.

I want you to be happy.

Even if I’m not.

I want you to be happy.

Even though I’m not.

I want you to be happy.

And without me, you can be happy.

With me, our combined problems bring sorrow.

And I’m so sorry for that.

I miss you.

[thegreyareabetween]

I’ve found a certain... lack of motivation within myself lately. I don’t know whether or not it’s just a combination of the things going on in my life, or if I’m just in a haze because of the winter months, but I can’t seem to find joy in anything anymore.

School was once something that brought me great pride. I was proud of my accomplishments. People used to ask me about school often. Now I find the task of going to school arduous. It takes all of my energy to will myself to go to class. It takes even more to complete my homework on time and in a decent manner.

Perhaps it’s my major, but i feel no connection to any other. STEM is what I was funneled into. Yet I hate the majority of the subjects. Biology? Awful. Chemistry? Not enjoyable. Engineering of any kind? Boring and soul sucking. But on the other hand, I hate the humanities as well. English? I see little practical use. History? I cannot stand the subjective nature of it all.

I have no hobbies. Nothing to keep me entertained. Nothing I’ve tried has kept me engaged. I just...

I have nothing to enjoy.

I have nothing to like.

I have no hobbies.

I have nothing outside of school.

And yet even within school I have nothing to love.

I. Have. Nothing.

[thegreyareabetween]

My mom keeps trying to push me back into church and believing in god by attempting to use “miracle events” in my life that have happened. I don’t pay much mind, but one she just keeps pushing and pushing. And frustratingly, this story has given her more reason to believe in the church and try to force religion on me. It’s a bit convoluted and needs some backstory, so bear with me while I explain for a bit.

So back in August I was beginning my first year in college, and as such I had also reached a couple other milestones, including turning 18. Now, in turning 18 I had to stop going to my old pediatric doctor. Makes sense, everything on the right track here. I had to find a new doctor so I could keep taking my anxiety medication, as I was running out and school was beginning to become stressful.

This new doctor thought my anxiety might be due to some thyroid imbalance (she had asked if any of those issues ran in the family, and I told her no- but she suspected it anyways). So she insisted I get this blood test done. She didn’t want to prescribe me anymore medication until this blood test got done. I was, let’s just say, not happy about this. I hate needles and I hate the idea of getting my blood drawn. Vaccinations are hard enough for me as it is, but the concept of someone taking blood from my body horrifies me.

And because she didn’t prescribe me any more medication, I ran out and kept freaking out about getting this blood test. So I didn’t for awhile. Flash forward to September: I still haven’t gotten the blood test done and I have midterms coming up. And now I have to refile the paperwork to get it done. My mom basically just calls up the doctor and says, “File this, when is the earliest we can come in?” The lady on the phone says Wednesday. Well my mom takes me on that fateful Wednesday and they don’t have the paperwork ready. I have to go back on Friday. This poses several problems:

#1: I have a midterm on that Friday. I have to catch the train at 9:10am and the place opens at 8:30am. It’s a 15 minute drive from the doctor to the train station. I have to be the first person done, and it has to be done quick.

#2: No one can take me. My mom has work at 8:00am, and my dad is at a golfing tournament for his work from 7:00am-12:00pm.

#3: I have massive anxiety about this in general.

#4: My school schedule is structured such that I take the same train every day of the week, and I don’t get back until about 4:00pm every day, which is when they close the lab.

#5: The lab is closed on weekends.

So I have to get the lady to open the lab early so I can go in and get this blood test done all by myself. I get there at 8:00am, she takes about 20 minutes, yadda yadda yadda. 3 vials of blood are now no longer in my body. Whatever. I hate every fucking second of it. I’m alone, and I’m having a panic attack but there’s nothing I can do about it. I leave at 8:20am, and I intend to just go straight to the train station. I even have my backpack in my car and everything. I take a drink from the Gatorade I have in my bag and I drive off.

And this is where the real story begins.

I make it through a couple lights, end up near an elementary school that’s just about to start and go into the left turn lane. I’m stopped at this point, but I feel a little light headed. I know the feeling. I’m about to pass out. I’ve passed out before, I know what it’s like. I reach out to put my car in park, but I don’t make it. I full on pass out in the driver’s seat of my car. I start to drift through the intersection. My car has a tendency to drift to the right. So I drift to the right and eventually hit the curb and then a fire hydrant. I end up going maybe 8mph tops. A crossing guard for the school saw me start to drift and stopped the traffic. Another lady stopped and had to wake me up because I was still passed out. But I was fine. The lady who woke me up had to call my mom who had to leave work and ask my sister to come help me. I ended up going on and taking my midterm because I couldn’t miss it.

But after my mom kept talking about how it was a miracle that I was alive, that god helped save me. That it was the best possible outcome. That I should thank god for keeping me safe. That how it was all in his plan to help keep me from getting hurt- all of the little things like the crossing guard and my car’s issue drifting to the right.

And like, I’m sorry, but I think it’s all bullshit.

If god really wanted to help me out, he wouldn’t have made it such a right fucking scenario for me to get this blood test done.

So it was in god’s plan to basically get me into a car wreck in the first place? For what fucking reason? I think that is deeply fucked up that god would want me to get into a car wreck so that he could prove he’s there. Like send down a fucking note or something- don’t fucking try to kill me.

God would have had to have planned for a long fucking time to do this. My car has had the drifting issue for a few years now. I don’t think that god would plan that far in advance to fuck with me.

Idk it just really frustrates me. I think my mom sees that I don’t believe but she’s trying to force me to by making shit up.

God isn’t real. Stop lying to yourselves.

[thegreyareabetween]

“What happened to you?”

——

“You were so cute when you were little, what happened to you?”

My grades and scores lead to me being highly recruited, and landing in the top 4% of all students nationwide. Did you know that?

“You used to be so fun when you were little, what happened to you?”

I have accolades and awards and earned more money in scholarships than you made in a year. Why didn’t you bother to ask about that?

“You were so happy when you were little, what happened to you?”

I found joy in math and physics that you never bother or want to hear me talk about. You don’t see the joy because you don’t care to hear about what actually makes me happy.

“You used to be so carefree when you were little, what happened to you?”

I discovered something I care about, and I care about it a lot. But you don’t give a shit about that, do you?

Do you?

No.

You only care about me being cute and caring about whatever women are “supposed” to care about- which isn’t anything I enjoy. You think nothing makes me happy because you don’t want to hear about the things that do make me happy.

I still have the same hopes and dreams as I did when I was little. I still have the same happiness and ability to be carefree. I am still fun.

And yet,

I am not who I was when I was little. And I will never be. That’s what growing up is about. I’m a fucking adult. I go to college. I may not be exactly who I once was, but I am still me. I am still the same kid 10 years ago you seemed to love and adore.

So let me ask you.

You used to think so much more of me when I was little. What happened to you?

[thegreyareabetween]

I think one of the most difficult parts of being nonmormon in a heavily Mormon suburban area isn’t the fact that I’m forced into the closet constantly- it’s the sheer amount of action policing all Mormons use to force you to conform to their standards.

Being forced into the closet I can handle. No one asks and I don’t tell. I suppose for me it might be different, I do have a reputation in my family for prioritizing my education over anything, and it’s not something I’m willing to debate. People just assume I’m not dating because I’m doing schoolwork- which isn’t entirely inaccurate. I suppose I choose to stay in the closet because it’s convenient for me and I avoid the hassle of dealing with my family. But that’s not the important part of what I’m saying;

What I am saying is that Mormons micromanage not just the way they live their lives, but the way everyone else lives their lives. Just because you’re not a Mormon, that doesn’t mean you’re exempt from all of their rules. Because they impose it on you in the form of social pressure (shaming is a more appropriate word).

Nonmormons are shamed into dressing like the Mormons- lest they be seen as lesser by the majority ruled by the Mormons. People will make comments if your shorts are too short, or if your tank top straps are too small. Kids especially are taught to alienate nonmormons that show this kind of behavior, touted by the church as “choosing the right kinds of friends”. No, what you’re doing is bullying a fucking child for not conforming to your bullshit standards. It’s unfair because for the most part, the nonmormon kids are far more kind and accepting than the Mormon kids. Utah Mormons are the most cutthroat bastards I have ever seen. They will socially isolate you for not exhibiting the correct kind of behavior.

And god forbid you swear in front of a Mormon. That is when they guilt you. The language policing is ridiculous. I remember one time in high school during gym class, I was doing laps around our gym while some guys played basketball. One of them missed a pass and hit me square in the head, right on my temple. It hurt like a motherfucker. I, of course, being in pain, said something on the lines of, “Shit! That hurt.” And one of the girls who was ahead of me- I swear to god- whipped her head around like a fucking pit viper looking for an opportunity to tout her moral superiority and said, “I’d prefer if you used more appropriate language around me.”

I was fucking dumbfounded. #1 is I had not said any swear words prior to being hit in the head #2 is that I had just gotten hit in the head with a fucking basketball and #3 is that I was the one who said it. Not her. I shouldn’t have to police my language because some crusty old white guy you listen to said that that word was intrinsically bad for whatever goddamn reason.

So I did the reasonable thing and looked her dead in the eye and said, “I do whatever the fuck I want. You don’t like the word? Don’t fucking say it then.” She never talked to me after that. But the fact that she thought I’d cower and do what she wanted because she used the religion card just showed me how often she pulled that shit. With her plastic smile and a “better than you” look in her eyes, I knew she was doing it because it gave her some kind of moral superiority in her eyes. Which is fucking ridiculous.

Mormons are not morally superior because they don’t swear or they don’t wear crop tops. Hell, calling them morally superior in the first place is flat out wrong. Fact of the matter is, you don’t owe them shit because saying the word shit makes them uncomfortable or you decided to wear short shorts. That’s not your problem for them being offended.

And don’t even get me started on tattoos lmao

I’ve said enough tbh

[thegreyareabetween]

Hi uhm yes, hello? How on earth did the relief society of the ward I’m located in get ahold of my email and how do I block them so I stop receiving emails about church shit I sincerely 100% do not give a single fuck about?

Sincerely,

I’m sick and fucking tired of a near corporate entity masking itself as a church following my every move to look for any opportunity to drag me back into the living nightmare that was attending their “religious” meetings

[thegreyareabetween]

The Right Therapist

I recently have been going to a new therapist who has been helping me see a light in my life that I never had before. And I don’t say that lightly, surely one might think that all the years I went to church I might’ve found some semblance of happiness within it.

The person supposing that would be dead fucking wrong. The only thing I found in the church was self loathing and a determination to never be the kind of woman they wanted to force me to be. And while determination can be a good thing, in the context of the church, it shouldn’t be something I should have to find within myself in a religious setting.

Regardless of my past, my new therapist had been helping me see more of a future for myself. One I never thought I would have because of my situation. I’ve found myself having hope for a better time, I’ve found myself not absolutely hating myself for my mistakes- which are innumerable. They may be many, but they are insignificant to me now.

What’s funny is upon my first visit, she asked me the basic questions that any normal therapist would ask. “Why are you here?” “What do you hope to accomplish?” That kind of sort. But then she asked me about whether or not I was religious. Which, as a backstory, I wasn’t given an option to say I’m not with my old therapist.

My mother was in the room with me at my old therapist and cut me off saying “of course she is, she’s been raised in the church” before I got a single word out of my mouth. And. That. Sucked. My old therapist would then try to push me back into the church whenever I would voice my concerns or doubts- something I firmly believe a therapist should not do. He was Mormon, so when I started bringing up my thoughts against the church, he would get all preachy and spiritual to try to sway me away from doubting the church- as if that would help anything, I had already made up my mind on the matter.

But this new therapist let me speak my mind- I was 18 at this point, my mother wasn’t allowed to be in the room for the first session. So I told my therapist what I thought about the church and religion. And she listened, and once I was done basically said, “well, I understand what you have to say about the church. I just think you should know that I am a Mormon, however, I do not let my religion permeate into my practice. I tell all of my patients that so they know and don’t have to go through some guessing game as to if they’ll offend me or not. Your thoughts aren’t going to hurt me. You can say whatever you want in here, and I’ll help you through your issues with or without a spiritual side. It’s your choice.”

And that fuckin hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d never met a Mormon who would be okay with letting me speak my mind about the church without arguing back at me. I’d never met a therapist who gave me the choice to incorporate spiritual teachings into my sessions. And I gained a lot of respect for my therapist, who is really fuckin cool btw. Even with being a Mormon, she doesn’t fuckin judge me when I swear, or talk about my sexuality, or when I rip on the church for all of the issues they gave me. And I know that that should be the bare minimum as to what a therapist should be like, but I’ve never had one like her because the church has such a grubby little grasp on everything here in Utah- down to personal mental care.

She gives me the respect of thoughts that I’ve deserved for years, but never received, and now I’m reaping the benefits in my life because of it.

- when I told my old therapist about my memory issues and inability to focus, he told me I ought to take a few deep breaths and pray to god to help me focus and remember things. When I told my new therapist about my memory issues and inability to focus, she looked at me and went, “You have ADHD. From all of the symptoms you’ve described to me over the weeks, I’m pretty sure you have ADHD and should be medicated.” And so I did and it has made a huge fucking difference knowing that. My old therapist brushed it off and told me to talk to god about it.

- my old therapist would talk about mindfulness and deep breathing when I get anxiety. He didn’t offer me any other solutions. My new therapist has spent time looking into what makes me anxious, how my body reacts to anxiety, and what drives the majority of my anxiety. She gave me coping mechanisms and ways I can calm down during a panic attack, and told me that while we can reduce the anxiety overall, there’ll still be times when you have a panic attack, and that what my old therapist taught me was basically useless at those points.

- my old therapist treated me like a fucking proselytizing opportunity. My new therapist treats me like a fucking human being.

The right therapist makes all the difference, and it’s possible to find one in Utah that won’t shove Mormon doctrine down your throat. And that has been a game changer for me.

[thegreyareabetween]

Being raised religious by people who think that faith = fear, and who think that it is normal to traumatize children into fearing god, really fucked up the way I think. It fucked me up in ways I doubt people who haven’t had that experience could understand.

My mind is just constantly operating in two directly opposing cognitive schemas. On a rational level, I don’t believe in god or any part of the religion I was raised with. I know there is no omniscient being who will have me tortured for eternity because I did normal, non-harmful things like being gay. But on a deeper level, I’m always freaking out because part of me is convinced that god is real and he loathes me being who I am.

Rational adult me believes god likely isn’t real, and if he is, there’s no way an omniscient being would care about harmless things that I do with my own body, like drinking and having sex. But that little traumatized kid who had to memorize scripture about the apocalypse, that child who was told every other move they made was sinful? On some level, I’m still that kid. That part of me hasn’t moved on from the constant fear that I lived in. The religious fears and anxieties my psyche was built around persist.

[thegreyareabetween]

One of the more interesting situations I found myself in within the last year is being someone that other people have openly confided in. Especially when I was still in high school.

I made a lot of good friends this year, and became better friends with people I already knew. However, I was never someone who people came to to talk or to ask for advice. Not because I was quiet (and depending on the class, I was). But people just never really saw me as the “listening type”

But I’ve been more open with myself this year, I suppose. The entire drama department at my school knew I was out and proud and no one could stop me from embracing myself. So I found myself having conversations with people about things they were never comfortable talking about with others.

The amount of times I had someone offhandedly mention they may or may not have found someone of their own gender attractive (in my Utah? It’s more likely than you think) became a surprising number. I never did tell a single soul about anything because that was never my place, but I did find it... different.

I don’t say this as if it was a bad thing. Just a change of pace for me. People told me things this year they never would have if it had been a year earlier. I learned a lot of stuff about people I will never tell anyone else because others confided in me when they thought they had no one else.

Perhaps it was because, frankly, being openly gay in my area made me an outcast. No one directly ostracized me, but emotionally I was cut out from a lot of the group. And I think people connected to that. They knew I wouldn’t judge them. And I didn’t. And I don’t.

We all deserve someone who will listen, who we know will never betray our secrets.

And for those people to not judge us for them either.

[thegreyareabetween]

On The Universe

An entertaining, albeit slightly exasperating, thing my father and I do is watch science shows together. My father is a Mormon (however devout, I’ve yet to discern), and he likes to ask questions about concepts having to do with space. I entertain his questions more for the sake of furthering my own understanding of these concepts, as teaching can be the greatest way of learning rather than a moral smack down or to seem more intellectual. My father and I have a mutual understanding when it comes to what I’ve chosen to study in college (Astrophysics). He doesn’t poke at my logic and reasoning, and I don’t poke at his religion.

However, this is becoming increasingly more difficult as time goes on. He is asking questions that we haven’t figured out the answers to yet, and smugly residing himself to his religion and ignorance when it comes to science. Almost like his ideology is, “well god knows all so science is a fruitless pursuit (when it comes to physics)”. Which is why the process is exasperating at times.

Those things alone might have discouraged me when I was 13 or 14, but I’ve recently discovered this sort of... adult side of myself I suppose? Who will tell my dad that, though I may not have the answers now, I will. And that is more of a guarantee to me than any ancient book could provide. I know my pursuit of knowledge will further the human race by proving that science can and will reveal the truth. It may not be now, it may not be until 100 or more years from now. But it’ll happen.

Scientists in the past looked to the sky and wondered what the lights in the night sky were. But without their wonder or their contributions, we might still be wondering. I hope to maybe be one of the contributors to the pursuit of astrophysics, and perhaps I may be remembered as one of the firsts to begin a new process of discovery.

And that’s more meaningful and useful than any ancient book dictating the lives of people will ever be.

[thegreyareabetween]

I’m lowkey really excited for my orientation I have coming up for college. I signed up as a physics major, but they asked for other organizations we’d be interested in and!!! I got to say I was interested in the campus LGBT center!!! My parents don’t get to know since it’s my university and my records are private for only me and the university to know.

So I get to go tour the science center and LGBT Resource Center!!!! And I’m really excited because now I can finally behind the long process of being able to open up to the outside world! I also chose the college with the most potential for me getting a date too because after all these years I’m able to be free enough to go and do all the things I so desperately wanted to do in high school. I can cut myself off from the Mormon church and I never have to look back. I can breathe.

It’ll be nice.

[thegreyareabetween]

Most of my friends assume that in any relationship, I would be the one to take charge and do stuff. You know, all hardcore and whatever. I get where they’re coming from, I put on an exterior of harshness, and I tend to be very brash and stubborn. But boy are they wrong about me hardcore.

I just want soft hugs and to just sit and cuddle. I don’t need to go on exciting adventures and be hardcore. I just want to be held with love.

Ah, perhaps that comes from the fact that I’m very touch starved, but deep down I’m also probably softer than I like to act like.

[thegreyareabetween]

Dating in Utah for Gays

Now where can one semi-closested 17(almost 18) year old gay girl find a date in Utah?

Oh I know.

In college.

Independently.

With no physical attachment to a previous life.

Or a large corporation of a religion tracking your every move and decision even though you thought you cut ties to them years ago.

So you know,

Absolutely nowhere.

[thegreyareabetween]

It’s odd to feel trapped in your own neighborhood, and it’s something that, even with years of experience, will never quite be over for me. The times I spend outside my home scare me dearly, not because I fear for my life, but because I fear the world surrounding me.

I live directly across the street from my church building. I live right next door to the mission president for the local mission. I can see both the mission house and my church from my backdoor balcony. I walk across the street and I arrive at the stake center. I can jump my back fence and be in the mission home’s backyard.

But these aren’t what make me fear my surroundings. I fear the people that come with it. The constant flow of missionaries who mistake me for someone who hasn’t ever heard about the church when I’m out in a tank top walking my dog, and the young women’s leaders driving back and forth in front of my house all week for meetings at the church building. And as the weather gets nicer, the people in my neighborhood begin to take walks around and by the church building- oftentimes when I’m trying to get the mail or go out to my car.

I fear the conversations. They stop in the middle of the road and roll down their windows and pull me into a 15 minute conversation I never wanted to have. They stop in front of my house and talk to me while I just wanted to take my dog for a quick ride. I can’t escape church- no matter how hard I try. If I go, they speak to me at church when I’d rather be left alone. They come to my door, bearing some sort of small gift and proceed to have a one sided conversation where the best I can muster is a forced laugh and a “yeah...”

It gives this awful sense of anxiety. That no matter where I go- I can never quite be free of the very thing I have tried so desperately to escape. I know what they’re doing. I know why they’re doing it. They want me to feel welcomed, I suppose. But I know that it’s really because I am a “project”. I come from a “project family”. We sit quietly at church, and rarely attend all 3 hours. They want me to just... be like them- when that is one thing I will never ever do. It’s not that they’re awful people, it’s that... I never feel safe and secure around them.

Not with my history and the life I live.

I’m lucky to not go to the same school as the girls in my ward, but I also feel like that gives them an extra reason to go above and beyond what is regularly deemed “necessary.”

I suppose I’ll never feel quite right wherever I go, but I do believe I should be afforded the right to feel comfortable where I live. I shouldn’t have to sit in my house all day long or avoid my entire neighborhood altogether to feel like I’m not going to be contacted or pressured to attend things.

I just want to be left alone.

[thegreyareabetween]

Texts I Send During Seminary

I consistently forget to post these here, but I’ve compiled them now because tbh, they really show a lot of what seminary is about. (Things in quotes are things said by teacher or students in seminary; asterisks mean I went on a long rant after)

- Cool so in seminary they’re saying that the reason the native Americans were forced out of their lands and beaten and tortured and subjected to the horrors the Europeans brought because it was god’s will.*

- “This is not about color” as god makes the bad guys in the Book of Mormon darker skinned and makes the good guys have light skin. Sure whatever just say Joseph Smith was racist and let’s move on*

- “Women need to be educated because they need to educate their children. Not because you want to make more money.” First of all, fuck you.*

- “When you feel like the church is wrong, you aren’t feeling that it’s wrong, you’re feeling what those people who oppose the church are saying is wrong.” What kinda bullshit logic are you trying to use?

- Oh boy do I just hate going to church and listening to the same lesson I’ve been hearing for 17 years

- Love when the church uses big numbers to make them seem better... Kay so they say they’ve donated $1.2 billion dollars over the last 30 years to charity. They’ve got 15 million members. If all those members paid tithing, that’s a lot of fucking money right? But the church only donated $80 per member to charity. When y’know, you’ve got members donating $18,000 per year. So really, are they really digging into their pockets for charity? If you divide that by the number of years, they’re donating $2.67 per member per year to charity. So like, that’s bullshit.*

- I bond with no one over being gay because I’m surrounded by STRAIGHT PEOPLE

- God we have a sub today in seminary and he’s being a bitch,

“No talking”

“Get off your phone.”

“Use your phone only for scriptures.”

“You have to talk to people.”

“I’m going to take your phone away.”

First of all I have anxiety so jot that down, Second of all, try to take away my phone, I fucking dare you. I will get up and leave, I’m done with this shit.*

- “The Nephites were in bondage.” First of all, that’s kinky. Second of all, please stop saying bondage so much it is making me

u n c o m f o r t a b l e

“In what way have you seen people in bondage today?”

S T O P

- Getting up early and dragging my ass to a religious institution that makes my whole existence a sin is not something I would call ideal. The sabbath is the lord’s day of rest therefore Jesus wants me to take this nap, mom.

- If there’s one thing I’ve learned from church, it’s that I hate kids and I will never have them. Other people? Fine have an army of children. Me? Not for both of my kidneys.

- So my seminary teacher is telling a story about an SBO at Bingham high school. The legislature said you can’t pray at high school graduation right? So this kid gets up at his graduation and prays anyways and my teacher is like, “And I’m so proud of him for standing up for what’s right.” Like wtf. Breaking the law and forcing your religious values on a captive audience seems wrong to me???

- Mormons trying to reconcile religion with science makes me feel not good.*

- “Now that gay marriage is legal, mormons may now be forced to perform gay marriages.” That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

- "A successful woman isnt educated, or in a big career, or an owner of nice things- she's a mother." -My seminary teacher. Like I’m not trying to make motherhood seem unimportant, because it is important, but like... it’s just not for everyone.

- I don't know why but it bugs me when people brag like, "Well I'm related to Brigham young." The man had 50 wives, the real question is who isn't related to Brigham young in this state.

- My teacher is like- overtly racist and it meshes way to well with the doctrine in class

- "Would you go on a mission to a Polynesian island?" Idk man seems racist to me to ask that

- “Our church does really well in countries with dark skin." That's... that's not... where do I even begin to tell you how wrong that is. Bad bad word choice.

- "50% of people who walk into hotel rooms watch porn." First of all, I didn't even know the hotel had any porn options until now. Second, where did you get that statistic?

- "When you dress immodestly it's because you want attention and you don't really care about your body." That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

- "You'll get an STD if you have sex outside of marriage." I mean, if you're dumb and you're not careful you'll get an STD. You can get an STD even if you're married so lol

- "We turned on a PG-13 movie and within 10 minutes they had sworn like 30 times." At that point it's not PG-13 so you obviously weren't really looking at the rating

- My seminary teacher just said that Albert Einstein said that he believed in god. Which is like. So wrong. Albert Einstein said he was agnostic, and didn't believe in life after death. He said he wouldn't deny the possibility of a divine being but he wouldn't say there was one either 😒😒

- "Wow. The Book of Mormon and the Bible are so similar! They say the same kind of things about this other thing." Wow. It's like. It's like Joseph Smith had read the Bible because he grew up Christian. It's like. It's like he knew what the Bible said. Wow.

-"Anti-Mormon literature is so false, I would know because I'm the expert on the staff here about why it is false." Well first of all you have been so wrong so many times I find that extremely hard to believe

- "Fortnite is part of Satan's plan." Yeah I'm sure Satan wants to turn people from Jesus by playing fortnite.

- "My friends who swear have different thoughts." Wow, really? That's insane information.

- Everyone getting accepted to BYU and I'm here like, lol if I step on that campus I'm pretty sure alarms would go off and the campus and I would burst into flames.

- "It's on girls to dress modestly so boys don't do bad things." Maybe... maybe we should teach boys to control themselves.... And not teach girls it's their fault if boys make fucking dumb decisions...**

- So being gay is equal to murder in the eyes of the church in terms of transgressions. I hate living here*

- “You can’t be on your cellphone unless you’re on the gospel library.” Cool, try to take away my phone, see what happens. Like lol go ahead and call my mom. I don’t care anymore. I clearly have not cared since the day I started seminary. My mom will be pissed and probably take my phone away but really, y’all parade around free agency but it’ll just make you look bad if I get in trouble*

- “All of you on your phones are you with us?” Is that some sort of rhetorical question? Because I know you know I’m not paying attention and I don’t care to so why do you keep asking? Because if you’re looking to shame me into complying, jokes on you, I have no shame.

- Why must I, a simple gay, suffer like this

- If I had to choose between coming here and getting hit by a bus, you best damn be sure I’m choosing the bus

- Because of course that’s how you encourage people to go to church, yell at them so they feel so bad they have to go

- Like 90% of my problems wouldn’t be problems if church weren’t a thing

[thegreyareabetween]

I usually don’t get super emotional when I’m out in public places but shit man... I had the hardest time keeping myself together last night.

So I went to a concert last night for my favorite band, Pvris. I can listen to their songs a thousand or more times and never get tired of them. Lynn has such an amazingly powerful voice and the lyrics really resonate with me. But last night was really something.

I have struggled for a long time with religion and myself as a human being. One of the beacons of light in my struggle was a song by Pvris. It’s called “Holy”. I feel like every word of that song was pulled directly from my heart, and it helped me through a lot of my struggles for the past 4 or so years. I highly recommend that song to anyone and everyone.

So at the concert last night Lynn stopped and announced that they would be playing a little song called “Holy”. I wasn’t expecting to hear it live- as Holy was on their old album (and wasn’t a hugely popular song from that album) and this tour was for their new album. But that’s besides the point. I started to tear up. That song helped me through a lot of shit- and to hear Lynn sing it live (and so beautifully, I might add) I couldn’t help but get emotional. I don’t get emotional in public but I nearly started crying.

I’ve thought a lot about last night and why it meant so much to me, and I think I know why. I never had such an attachment to a band before. I’ve never been so touched by music before. I’ve never felt such a strong feeling of comfort by music before. Until Pvris. Until Holy. So it hit me like a brick.

I’ve never been in love with music as much as I have with Pvris. And being at their concert meant the world to me and it’s something I’ll never forget.

And last night I realized how music can change lives.

[thegreyareabetween]

No, It’s Not Just A “Controversial Opinion” It’s My Life

I still live in Utah. I still have to go to church. I still have to go to seminary. I still have to go to a school where over 80% of the students are mormon. My only sanctuary in that entire goddamn school is my theater class. The only place where I can express who I really am and be openly gay without having to worry about being ridiculed or told I’m wrong.

Or so I thought, I suppose.

Before I go on a tirade, I must explain the situation and the kid involved. This kid’s name is… let’s call him Annoying Dickhead (AD for short). AD has been a pain in my ass for a long time. I grew up in the same neighborhood as him and subsequently had to be in the same ward as him. He has the social skills of a 3 year old and it shows. He is constantly blurting out in class with dumb comments. But that is by the by. What is necessary to know is that while he has no social skills, he understands what and what will not hurt the feelings of others. He just doesn’t care. I swear I think he’s a sociopath from time to time.

AD and I have grown up together, and I have made it clear in the past and present that I am not fond of him. Not when he lacks the care for my feelings. He thinks it’s funny. He finds entertainment from me saying, “Leave me alone.” or “I don’t like you. Go away.” This by no means is an excuse for anything he says or does to me. He genuinely does not care about other people’s emotions. I never tell him off until after he gets on my nerves and the people around me’s nerves.

Back to the important part of the story. AD is mormon, born and bred and with no intent of leaving. Fine. That’s fine by me. I moved away from that old shithole neighborhood a couple years ago. I genuinely do not give a fuck about church or keeping up appearances anymore. Especially when I’m in theater. A lot of the kids in that class are nonmormons or other denominations (but aren’t particularly active enough that they mind about anything having to do with gay people), and the general atmosphere of the class is very open. There’s a bisexual kid in my class with me and we have a lot of gay kids in the drama department as a whole. Which is great! And my teacher is really okay with me being openly gay and she even makes sure everything is safe for me at home- (she’s also mormon, but like. a good mormon who isn’t a dick) especially if I look depressed or anxious.

So today in class my teacher split us up into 4 groups and gave us randomly generated topics of conversation. I’m in a group with AD. My group also got “Controversial Opinions” for our topic. Fantastic. You can probably see where this is going. It started out fine. The girl who started said something like, “I don’t like peanut butter.” which like, I get that. I was next and I sat there like, “Well, lol. I don’t really have any controversial opinions.” so the kid next to me kinda nudged me and went, “Lol you’d probably say death to straight people.” Which I laughed at a little. Everyone knew we were just joking around to avoid actual controversy. But then it gets to AD.

And lemme fucking tell you.

He deserves the name Annoying Dickhead.

He looks me dead in the eye and says, “I don’t agree with gay marriage. I don’t think they should be allowed to marry.”

I sat there kinda stunned for a second. Everyone in my group got really quiet for a moment as we all sat there and processed what happened. He knew I was in the group and yet he still said that. He understands I am gay. He knew *EXACTLY* what he was saying.

So I looked at him and said, “Are you fucking serious? Fine. You want my “controversial opinion”?” I looked at him dead in the eyes like he did to me and said, “The concept of religion as a whole is antiquated and is doing nothing for society today but hold us back and giving religious people a self-serving pedestal for them to stand on and lord over marginalized people because they sincerely, for whatever fucking reason, believe that their way of life is being threatened (and not because people are coming to their fucking senses realizing that a magic man walking on water 2000 years ago and a talking snake caused the downfall of man are both batshit insane stories only a primitive ancient people should believe) because minorities no longer want to be stepped all over by a white male christian idea of life.” And he looked stunned, but I wasn’t done. I asked him, “how does it feel to be personally called out and attacked when the person who is attacking you knows exactly what they’re doing with no regard for the feelings of other humans? Fucking shitty right? Grow up. It’s 2018. You’re an adult. Believing you are morally superior because you pretend to listen to some magic man in the sky telling you gay people are less is extremely pretentious. There was no need for such a comment when you knew exactly what you were saying and you still used it as a personal attack against me with something that has been a deep personal struggle all my life that has left deep emotional and mental scars that will never heal. Clearly you don’t care about me or my struggles I’ve had dealing with the fact that I’m gay while growing up in such a batshit insane toxic culture in a religion that is so hateful it drives kids to kill themselves. That’s sure something to be proud of.”

My teacher intervened at this point, but I refuse to talk to him ever again. He knew what he was doing, and I refuse to acknowledge him anymore. He doesn’t deserve a word from me. His head is up in the clouds and I’m about ready to drag his ass to the ground and show him what kind of an asshole he really is.

Nevermind the fact that he always made jokes about me being gay. But I just brushed it off as him making jokes with me, and not about me (it’s a running gag in the theater department of me being gay). Boy was I fucking wrong. Next time he makes another joke I’m going straight to my teacher and telling her what’s going on. Because I know his true intent now.

I fucking hate this state. I fucking hate this church. I fucking hate this culture. I fucking hate religion. I fucking hate that I’m not allowed to be myself anywhere without people judging me.

If I had one chance to go back in time and change something about this world, I would eliminate religion altogether and watch the world advance and become significantly better than it is today.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: religion is nothing but a scourge on society today, and we should have dropped it years ago. We’re advanced enough as a species to know better. Religion has caused more suffering than it has ever done good. Period. Especially mormonism. ESPECIALLY MORMONISM.