theetherealshade

[theetherealshade]

[theetherealshade]

eat drink sleep play

[theetherealshade]

Terrarium Life collection~

I painted these way back during the pandemic (hence the hoard of toilet paper and Switch that I wish I had, but they were all sold out) No pandemic now but the chimney smoke from all the neighbors have made the air unbreathable and I'm stuck inside again 😭 cuddling my dog, drinking tea

tending to my fish tank and my plants

[theetherealshade]

I try to exercise when I’m anxious. But today I don’t feel alright. Something is bugging me, it hurts my stomach and I don’t know what it is.

Gym - did not work to fix this.

Writing - I could not put a logical thought through a line on my journal earlier in the morning.

Diet is on check.

I am going to sleep but - I don’t know. I am way too awake (plus a fkn headache) to sleep. Also nervous for a small silly class I have to lecture tomorrow (something I do a lot, PCR protocols - a theme I already took like 3 times the same course cause it’s only valid for 2 years). Anyways. Also to fix my resume to send for a selection to a data science course. And book my flight (using credit card points - that I’m still trying to manage the best of it). Review a paper I lost a deadline. Then going for hospital floors. And so many people to talk to… I don’t know. After all this… I just need vacation. I feel very exhausted.

Sometimes I am so exhausted I want to sit and cry. Then I get up and do everything in an afternoon. I might be tired of trying, sometimes I just lack meaning in existence. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. But I wonder why am I existing, floating in this universe. I get up and get dressed, put my make up on, the business atire and all. For what? One could have many answers to this question but when I try to face it, I want to cry. I go out for a run and do it for like, 7 km in a pace my lungs want to be left on the side road.

One might say this is burn out. But this feeling seems something on a jar that has just been receiving drops by the last years.

More importantly how to fix this, if all the options my mind brings sounds like I am high. Most people get high on substance - I believe this constriction on my chest must be the lack of something. And I am high because I need it so bad. High in the lack of something, and all the possibilities sound outrageously stupid. Oh sorry, would that be abstinence?

Maybe this is an existential crisis after all? Perhaps it’s not vacation I need. Perhaps I need to stare at a white wall for like, two days?

I don’t want to die or give up of anything. I don’t want to do anything either. Perhaps kissing someone until my lips fall off. The possibility was offered but I was disgusted by it (I don’t know, I never like my options. Why?). Maybe I am just touch starved of a touch I want. Like, when you live your life obliged to eat kiwis but all you want are mangos, something like that. And then you just hate kiwis cause all the kiwis taste the same?

Care to share with me? Even if you like mangos and hate running. Any pov sounds fine.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? This urge to do it all and do it nothing?

[theetherealshade]

[theetherealshade]

Govern expanses are much higher than what they make every year.

And yet, us, little insignificant shit, are expected to live with just “enough”.

[theetherealshade]

[theetherealshade]

Never lose hope. Never stop. Rearrange strategy and never give up.

[theetherealshade]

I just realised that after all this is over akutagawa is probably going to have to dig up his own grave to get his coat back

[theetherealshade]

The reason I set in stone that I would become a doctor was fairly simple: there's nothing else you have to do—just take care of people. Of course, I would have to study and might end up having a quite comfortable life financially, but I always believed that would happen to me regardless of my career choice.

If the world ends in shambles, or the USA loses its hegemony, even if the apocalypse falls over the earth, my mission would still be to take care of people no matter what. But there is a perk to this choice—you can also become quite alienated from how people change their political views, and their reasons for existing and keeping on might not align with yours. Your reasons might never have had anything to do with all this noise. Or maybe it’s just me—a plain-minded person.

However, due to recent political events—in Brazil, the USA, Russia, and wherever else—my family’s minds have become so brain-rotted that we might not have common ground anymore. I’m chronically online, but I always save enough time for my mind to reflect upon life (because without this, I cannot function).

They are right-wing (though if you are extreme right-wing, they might look more centrist), and I am not left-wing, for sure. But they no longer seem to have their own opinions. All they know is to defend a certain politician or certain policies, or to find excuses to say the left is wrong just because it doesn’t fit the right-wing agenda.

Recently, I saw a post by a girl I admire (and, why not admit it, feel attracted to) telling people who voted for Trump and are MAGA to go f*** themselves. She’s very woke and very left-wing.

It breaks my heart to see people I love so much choosing sides, believing it will save them from whatever is coming toward us in the future. But I don’t think I actually know anyone with a real opinion anymore. All I see are people repeating themselves—the same lines, the same advertisements, the same discourse over and over again. From their lips or from the internet, in random X posts, TikTok videos, or from Ben Shapiro or ContraPoints.

What terrifies me the most is that you cannot argue back. You cannot find common ground anymore.

Don’t tell me it’s because the stakes are too high to argue about—that’s not it. People don’t seem to have their own point of view anymore. It makes me wonder why Neuralink would want to put chips in people’s brains—they’re already brain-rotted, and you can practically read their thoughts just by listening to them.

For the record, I do not support people going against each other. If anything, both the right and left have treated us like puppets, pulling strings here and there. It’s true that you can always predict the masses but not the individual.

However, we don’t have individuals anymore.

Because people don’t know how to think for themselves anymore.

Anyway, I’ll just keep living my life—taking care of people, hitting the gym, and drinking less. I’m just a small soul trying to get things done fairly and in a way that reflects our shared humanity.

It’s very clear to me that people don’t carry the truth within themselves anymore. You cannot construct your foundation solely on institutions or other people. Build yourself on principles—on things that are good, right, and true! Otherwise, the world crumbles and turns into a copy of a copy.

One of the greatest decisions I ever made was choosing to care for people. It felt like a good idea then, and it still does. It’s exhausting at times, but even if the world ends, I’d still be doing the same thing. If a nuclear war happens—if you lose your reputation, family, friends, and money—I doubt many would still be making decisions based on these fleeting, superficial issues.

I cannot tell people what the right way to live is, but I know this: this is not it.

[theetherealshade]

[theetherealshade]

the worse for drink

shin soukoku | one-shot | 1.5k | mature

written for @rsenak <3

[theetherealshade]

tiger & dog

part 2

[theetherealshade]

I’ve come in contact with this very same message in many ways throughout my life - in books, family conversations, patients, at streets. And now randomly through video.

And it always touches my heart.

So I would like to leave this message here as well, if you ever fell like listening to it. Click. Here

[theetherealshade]

[theetherealshade]

[theetherealshade]

"Waa why aren't fandoms fun anymore" because you keep policing people's headcanons, make fun of cosplayers,make fun of selfshipers, make fun of beginner artists and just make fun of people for having fun 😐