thecreativityofchaos - Tumblr blog

[thecreativityofchaos]

The stress has been getting to me

This is the perfect thing to express what ive been going through dealing with the Car accident... now i'm at a loss of what i need to do and get taken care of due to the fact that Mid Florida is closed today due to the observance of Juneteenth --

I'm going to have to take vacation time this week to try and get this car issue resolved- and get behind the wheel of my own. because of the fact that its taking so long and all state are digging their heels into the ground... I just am at a loss of what needs to be done

Granted, I have a lawyer helping me try to get through this... but with Florida being a No fault state... when you have a car accident that isnt your fault... you get screwed in the end

[thecreativityofchaos]

Dear Month of May…

You know what? Fuck You..

You can’t do anything more to me. It’s the last day of you and I’m. Still.standing.

You took Lucy from me for old age

You tease me with Sammi Bella and take her away from me

You Make me sick with another over a week

You then give me the coup de tat and have some idiot slam me and hit my car and total it.

And then hit me with that time of the month WHILE IM TRYING TO HEAL MY BURN/OPEN SORES

You tried to do everything you could to fuck with me this month….

June WILL BE A BETTER Month. It has to be.

[thecreativityofchaos]

So the Allergy Cold has been persisting.. but on the good front I semi have my voice back. I'm just congested as heck and coughing.

(and yes I'm taking Meds, drinking oj, making sure i'm taking my supplements, the whole 9 yards- plus i wiped down everything at my desk sunday with Lysol wipes)

I just can't wait to get past this month... I Can officially say May is a bad month overall, But.. I'm looking at June to be better.

Daily steps, right?

[thecreativityofchaos]

I know things will get better, I have to have faith on that as much as humanly possible. Being depressed is no way to live.

Am I sad that I lost Sammi due to this insanity? Damn right I Am. I was all ready to jump in and help mom do this right. But sometimes There are things that are out of your control... And as much as it pains me to admit it, this was one of those circumstances.

Its just difficult to loose two fur babies in one month to unforeseen situations you just did not expect. And then be stuck alone with your own thoughts just allows that Anxiety in your own mind to just go up to 200 percent.

I just have to keep taking it one step at a time.

Today I'm disinfecting my office corner so I can re-plug in my work computer for tomorrow. Wasn't sure what I Was going to do for breakfast, but I Forgot I had picked up two pitaya bowls from Tea largo yesterday. So that is what I will eat.

[thecreativityofchaos]

Morning Updates

Well, Its happening.

Finally getting the correct iPad that I need for my organization (granted it was my fault ordering the wrong one) but hey... it happens and ill have it for going to Tampa.

I wont deny I had the rug pulled out from under me when we put Lucy down. I'm not on my A Game this month when I had so many ideas and plans to move ahead, but it just means I have to survive this month and June means another chance at something else.

Speaking of Something else.. Mom and dad are going down to Bartow Today to go look at some beagle puppies, I also told dad to take her down to the SPCA as well (That's where they got Lucy) If getting another puppy will help her companion wise? Ill be willing to help out with the cost of getting one for her since itll essentially be my dog as well (ill end up playing with it and walking it when its bigger (aka mom wants a puppy) And with both of them being on their retirement the 200 dollars for the fees/ect is not something they have atm. Dont know what she will find if she goes, but i figure if it helps her, then its worth it. Loosing Lucy was hard.

But we will see what happens.

[thecreativityofchaos]

May the Fourth be with You

I'm not okay, not in the slightest knowing that we're sending Lucy to the Rainbow Bridge tomorrow...but There are a few things.: - I can see how hard it is for her to move anymore. I hate seeing her in pain.

Shes very anti social lately unless she wants to beg for food or go out (or on the rarity occasional snuggles)

Her breathing is labored and rough...

but damnit shes still my dog and a member of this family, so no matter what its going to be tough to say goodbye tomorrow...

However the one benefit today is that my Supervisor as understanding as she is is letting me work at home today to spend the day with her (Shes sleeping behind me right now on the floor) and with today being Star Wars Day, I can work at my Star Wars themed desk and play Star Wars Mandalorian in the background on the Alexa Show while I work.

So with that being said...

[thecreativityofchaos]

Mind of Cha0s: I'm fine..

But are you... are you really?

...no. Not today I'm not.

I'm feeling unease in my stomach, my heart rate is up, my brain is cloudy, and I just want to go run away and hide somewhere so no one has to find me, but at the same time I Am just in need of one of those hugs where someone bear hugs me to make me feel better.

I think I want to take Thursday off before I start my 4 10 hour days to go to Tampa and just...Chill. like, just go to a park, play some pokemon go... work on writing.. or take some photos... maybe go spend the few hours getting pampered and do something new with my hair, maybe go back to the reddish purple with the lighter highlights into it.. take a mental health day and come up with a plan for what I need to do to get my schedule ready to focus on my 4 10 hour days and then my 3 day weekends to get everything else done.

No Frank (for those who dont know Frank is my father... think Shameless only much more of a prick) no mom, no work.. just me, and trying to sort out the feelings in my head.

I'm human, I'm allowed to have these days of weakness where I Feel less than stellar, I just wish i wasnt dealing with it on only the second day of the week.

[thecreativityofchaos]

Spilling the Anxietea

Today's training really triggered my anxiety today. It just reminded me of all the bias i live with on a daily basis, and how I Feel that my own voice doesnt really matter... and that no one would want to be around me for me.

But you know what? It's part of me- I am working on getting rid of. Im not normal. I will never be normal. I'm creative, intuitive, loving with a touch of snark. I love with EVERY SINGLE part of my being and I'll always worry that i'm the issue because its what was ingrained into myself growing up.

I am a fucking delight of a human being and if people cant see that? I guess I just keep doing me.

Someone will love me for who I am, even if im all alone to a point.

[thecreativityofchaos]

Guess who has just posted her first Stream(s) to twitch as well as her first Video to youtube? You need to go follow me on both - Starting in May I will be making Fridays my Stream Day... and will be posting other videos i create and such too

[thecreativityofchaos]

Drabble: My Guardian Angel

For the record, I do not own Netflix the Sandman or the Sandman in general... The Sandman is property of the brilliant Neil Gaiman. However, my character of Amara Chavez is property of me... a potential character of a new writing idea I want to do in 2023... I just need to let my creativity find me again. What better than now?

"...Morpheus..?"

Morpheus, Lord of Dreams let his head turn around at the mention of his name. Who had entered his realm without his realizing so quickly? he thought to himself.

As he looked across the marble hall of his throne room, he could see a familiar raven haired beauty standing there; leaning against the cold marble pillar. The spark of her violet eyes were unmistakable as he realized who had appeared within his dream realm.

"Amara..."

She smiled weakly at the fact he remembered her as she felt her knees go weak and almost buckle. Her astral dream form mirroring her physical form as it was unconscious; sleeping within the prison she was stuck in.

Before she could even blink he was there at her side; his strong arms sweeping her up into his own. She looked into that pale ivory face, onyx eyes gleaming with stars staring into her violet orbs with utter concern. She weakly smiled, "Forgive me my lord for my... sudden appearance."

Within another mere breath he was thrusting open a door that appeared in the throne room as he ushered her into what seemed to be a bedroom. "Lucienne!" he bellowed, his voice echoing throughout the castle.

Amara lowered her eyes as she hid a flinch at his attitude over his doting on her... albeit she knew she needed him now.

The Dream Librarian was immediately at the door, her own eyes flashing with concern and surprise upon the visitor that her Lord had laid in the bed. "My Lord... Amara?" she moved within the room as she reached over to hold the young woman's wrist in her hand; already having an idea of what was wrong.

"Fetch what is needed, we must bring her back to her full strength before she returns to the waking world..." Morpheus commanded his second in command; not even taking his eyes off of Amara as she leaned back against the bed.

"of course my lord... I will return swiftly my dear." Lucienne said softly to her as she got up and quickly left; leaving the two of them alone.

Amara finally let her eyes drift open as she looked up into that sculpted form sitting over her; feeling his long fingers sliding through her hair to brush them off her bangs.

"...I'm sorry for not calling for you, but they caught me by surprise.." she apologized in a quiet tone, allowing her head to cheek to lean against his touch.

"You never... ever have to apologize for returning to what is also your home... child of the Endless." he quietly chided her as he gently let his free hand reach down to take hold of her other hand. As he allowed their fingers to entwine, he could tell that it was helping to bring her a little relief as well as be able to connect to her physical form.

He could see out of her empty eyes as she slept, feeling the injuries that she sustained, and where she was being kept.

The rage that started to swell within his soul seemed to echo outside of the castle as a thunderstorm began to swarm. "...They are going to pay... for doing this to you." he spat through his gritted teeth. "They will forever suffer with the most horrific within their endless nightmare..."

He felt his voice fall short as she squeezed his hand, before feeling her pull him down towards her level; their foreheads touching as her eyes closed.

"We will stop them..." she mumbled to him before she opened her amethyst orbs to gaze into his onyx ones. "Will you lend me your power and stand by my side again...my lord?"

The mere idea of the two of them standing side by side together again couldn't help but bring a gentle quirked smile to the side of his face. holding her cheek in his hand, he let himself stay hovered over her; his energy swirling with the weak energy of her own- sustaining her until Lucienne returned.

"I will always stand by your side, Daughter of the Night Dreamer.. always."