thebipolar-ishblogoftim

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

3 (the Riley edition)

Riley Ann,

Aka Butthead #1,

By now you know these will be long-winded, but as a preview/summary, the last year (Ok, 7 months, because I don’t remember before September 10th) can be summed up by previewing the opening of Lorelei’s birthday letter:

“Lorelei, this is your Dad, you know the one who holds you briefly only for Riley to force herself in between us or onto the other side of my lap.”

Anyways, back to our previously scheduled programming. . . .

Riley Ann,

As I am writing this it is a little bit before your birthday.  I wanted to get something in writing in case the Corona gets me.   Hopefully, you’ll never have to deal with a Corona-type issue, but I’ve seen enough stupid people to know that you probably will have to.  Also, Corona is to blame for you not having a birthday party (luckily this is probably the last year you’ll not notice/care).

The last year has been exciting and fun (and sometimes maddening) to see you grow.  You are definitely developing your own unique personality and trait mix.  

The most notable one I have noticed is how you might be the most funny person I know.  Usually, I’d say I’m the most funny (off topic aside #1, make sure you use most funny instead of funniest, or some speech class teacher will knock off points on a speech), person I know.  But, you are at least tied with me, or maybe more so.   And you don’t have to be a sarcastic ass to make me laugh (which is what usually makes me laugh when I am one).

You are SO silly and I LOVE it.  Please stay at least a little bit silly.  Always.  The best current example started when I said something sarcastic to your mother and she said “silly daddy” in front of you.  To which I was overly dramatic and said “Whhaaaatttt!?!?!?”   Then you laughed.  Now one of your fun games is to call me silly and wait for a worthy performance of “Wwhhhaaatttt!?!?” or “I am not!”  Then you sometimes say “Silly Mommy” and await for her dramatic response.  Then you ask us to say “Silly Riley” and then you get overly dramatic.  Then we all laugh.  It’s awesome.

A new silly trick you are developing is the fake pouting, and puppy dog eyes.  That is silly now, but I’m sure I will get tired of that one.  You are also silly when playing with Lorelei.  You get a lot of smiles and giggles from her.  

You are a really good big sister for your age.  Sure you don’t necessarily like to share toys or attention, but you are super helpful with her.  Or at least try to be.   You try to change her diaper, try to help bath her, try to help her roll over, etc.  You also like to play with her, although you are a bit rambunctious as you are used to horseplaying with Clayton and Kyle, so you’ll do things like lay on top of her.  Good thing she is a chunky baby and at 7 months 2/3 of your weight.  You also tried to nurse her like Mommy does.  That’s quite funny. When it was time for her to start rolling over you’d cheer her on with me “Go Lorelei Go.”  Then you’d also “help” her roll over. . . .

You love your sister so much that we are holding off having you in the same room with her.  We’ll probably end up turning the play room into her room because we doubt you will let her sleep.  When it is time to get her from the crib (ha, who am I kidding, that stupid chair you also would only sleep in), you run in there and excitedly say hi or try to get her out of the chair.   You also have a bad habit of being loud when it is time for her to sleep.  This often wakes her up and irritates Mommy.

As far as your sleeping habits. . . . not horrible.  I mean it took you a while to warm up to the idea of switching from the crib to the toddler bed.  And you wake up once a night half the time.  You still never really sleep more than 10 hours at night.  Probably because most days you are at Jolene’s at 7.   So on the days you don’t go there at 7, you are sometimes up at 6:30.  Or 6!  Then rarely you sleep til 7:30.  I surely will remember this when I do my “don’t make me a grandfather while you are a teenager” education. That toddler bed. . . . is probably the reason I have had to go to the chiropractor this year.   Since, you really only want Dad to tuck you in.  Which means contorting and laying next to you.  Sure it’s kind of annoying for me, but someday you’ll have no use for me tucking you in and I won’t be sad at all.  Not 1 bit.  Not. At. All. (I’m not crying, you’re crying).

What is annoying about your sleeping habits is nap time.  At Jolene’s you ask/beg to take naps, but when you are with Dad, it’s a struggle.  You even go to nap easily for Mom.  I always tell myself it’s because you want to hang out with me.

This year you discovered how much you like helping Mom and Dad cook.  Especially eggs.  And Pancakes.  Really anything.  But especially eggs (did I mention that already?).  You also like when we make homemade pizza.  But back to the eggs. . . I think your favorite part currently is just eating butter (OK?!?!).  You’ll eat the eggs (mostly for Mom and Jolene), and the toast too, but right now you like to try and steal bites of butter.  

Pancakes. . . well that is fun, but  we did notch a yearly “Riley Burnmark Under Dad’s Supervision in the Kitchen” incident.  To be fair, where as last year I forgot to shut the gate while I used the restroom, this year I was right beside you (wait, that doesn’t sound better. . . ).  Anyways you went to  lean over to put chocolate chips in pancakes on the griddle and your hand touched the griddle as you were falling.

Luckily, I caught you and prevented further damage.  Also luckily, we didn’t have to get any cream for those burns.   You did kind of transform into a Mommy’s Girl for a few hours though.  But you still wanted me to tuck you in that night.

Homemade pizza.  You love helping top the pizzas.  This last time I gave you excess dough to play with. . . weirdo.

You also eat noodles out of the bag or box.  Or cold leftovers (mac and cheese, corn).   At least you don’t put ketchup on your mac and cheese.

Let’s just talk about the Elsa/Frozen fascination. . . .  First of all, Anna is the better role model but. . . . you do love to wear your Elsa dress and sing Elsa songs.  You like having something in your hair so you can mimic the part in “Let It Go” where Elsa undoes her hair.

This is still better than the Kung Fu Panda Amazon series obsession.  I like the Kung Fu Panda movies, but got. SO. SICK. Of the “Paws of Awesomeness” series.

It’s both great and annoying that you get your own snacks.  We stopped getting you Lucky Charms because all you’d do is eat the marshmallows.  So you definitely got my sweet tooth.  BUT, you also eat lots of fruit and also, pickles (YUCK), I really hope Lorelei doesn’t like them), which you get from your mom.  You love ice cream too.  Now that you know the Dairy Bar, when we drive past it you say “ice cream.”  When it comes to snacking, I really hope you outgrow the whole take a bite of something then put it back in the bag thing you sometimes do.

You learned the F word this year.  Of course it was while Daddy was watching the Lions.  In Game 1 of the season.  Don’t worry, as per the typical, the Lions-induced F-bombs lessoned as the season went on as they got more irrelevant.  Also, there is a chance there might not be football this year.  But when you do see football on the table you say “Go Bucks!”  I mean you know what the OSU logo and colors look like.  You do use an OSU blanket to sleep with.   So even though some family members bribe you with $ to say “Go Blue” I know you are just conning them.

It’s probably time for some lightning round notes.  I didn’t think I would remember that much to put in here, but note taking as prep for writing is really helpful.

The “Daddy Finger” Song.  Annoying and will give me PTSD for all the times you wanted to sing it.

Your Great Aunt Mary pointed out “Does she ever not run anywhere?”  No, Riley, you always seem to be running from point A to point B.  Or you like to chase me around the island in the kitchen.

You will probably be both a tomboy and a girly girl when needed.

You are pretty good at knowing colors.  Pink seems to be either your favorite.

You love coloring.  Still love baths and water in general.  You love being outside (in fact, just today you were outside splashing in puddles. . .)

You currently try to help with chores like laundry, and dishes.  (Ha! We’ll see how long that lasts).

When I wear a work shirt you point at it and say “Daddy. . . . . . . . . . . . . “

Not sure how this came about, but when you say “Help” it sounds like an old-fashioned southern belle accent.

You love talking on the phone.  You have ended a lot of conversations by pressing end too early though.  You really love talking to Auntie A.

You love Creed.  You love to try and play tug of war with him.  You also pay no regard to him by running into him alot, but I get the feeling he knows you love him.  I mean he doesn’t bark at you.  You’ll miss him when he’s gone, but we aren’t getting another dog.

The cat. . . does not love you.  You currently chase it around.  You also like to pretend to be a cat by crawling on the back of the couch.  You also hiss and meow.

I am still not good at putting up your hair. . . as in having the ponytail tight.  But I can get it out of your face.  I don’t think your hair is ready for the vacuum trick just yet.  You don’t really like your hair up or tied back anyways.

You often wear mismatched socks and clothes.  Part of this is my doing because I lack the patience to look for matching socks.  Plus, I don’t always wear matching socks for the same reason.  But you take it to a new level when you pick out your clothes or happen to see a random skirt or pants or shorts, you will put on over your existing clothes.  You can even still fit in some pants/shorts/skirts you did a year or 18 months ago!

So far, you take after your Mom in the following ways:

You look like her (except the nose. . . .sorry)

You are particular about things, like how my arm should be wrapped around you when I tuck you in at night.  There are several other things that you do that have to be done a certain way, but I can’t remember them right now because it is 11 pm and didn’t put them in my notes.

You love baths/showers. . . now I have 2 extreme marathon bath/shower takers to deal with.  Hopefully by the time you read these, you will have experienced the joys of a tankless water heater.  Or maybe you will come to realize that water will be a very, very valuable source some day.  I mean, it already is, but probably will be more so in the future.

Stubbornness

You like people

Things you get from me:

Stubbornness (yeah, you had no shot on that one).

Silliness

Temper. . . it’s pretty quick and over with like mine usually is though.  If yours turns into simmering and being long term, I may have to put this on the other side of the ledger.

Goals for the next year:

Keep loving the outside, keep being silly, keep being a friendly person.

Share better with your sister

Dad to not let you get a burn mark

Watch less Kung Fu Panda (the series, the movies are still cool)

Realize Anna is cooler.

Charge more for those who entice you to say “Go Blue.”

Kick the diaper habit.

Kick the bink-only-at-night-habit.  (Oh, and you can bet if Lorelei gets rid of these 2 things at an earlier age, that I will give her this information as ammo when you inevitably pull some “I’m older” crap on her).

Be nicer to the cat.

To learn there is a right way to wash your hands. . .by singing “Don’t give a damn about the whole state of Michigan.”

And just keep being your wonderful, smiling, laughing self.  As you get to be more aware of the world, I hope I can help steer you to being this way, even though I am definitely not a good example of being optimistic.   If I can help raise optimistic children, then. . .  don’t tell anyone, tell them it was all your Mom, because I got a reputation to uphold.  

Love,

Dad.  (You know, the guy who switched between Dad and I in this letter.  Also the guy who is STILL pontificating even after the salutation. . . .)

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Dear Nurses,

I really love March Madness and the NCAA tournament.  So much so, that in high school, my Mom even agreed to let me skip school for it once (or twice).  I love betting on it.  I love watching it.

But I love the work nurses do even more.  Mainly because my Mom was a nurse and I know how HARD they work.  So even though March Madness (and many, many, other things are being shut down), I am more than ok to help flatten the curve.

I’m sure many of you won’t even have time to read this because being a nurse is a DEMANDING job.  That will probably get more DEMANDING.  But hopefully not super, super, super DEMANDING.

Because even though coronavirus “has a low mortality rate” as some may trumpet, this new thing just ADDS to the work you already have to do.  You already deal with flu, broken bones, cancer, blood, and weird things people put in their bodies (among the many, many, many, other reasons one may visit a hospital).  Your days are long and seem even longer when you are dealing with stressful situations.

Even though coronavirus “has a low mortality rate,” that means a lot of people will still have to be seen in hospitals.  Which means more time at work, more stressful work.

Such as the fact that even though it “has a low mortality rate,” the fact is that there will be SOME deaths.  Probably someone’s grandparent or parent as it seems older people are most vulnerable.  Losing a grandparent or parent while they are in the hospital is AWFUL.

Not only are you now having to worry about this new added threat for incoming patients, you have to worry about yourselves or your loved ones getting it.  Working long and demanding hours would seem to make you a bit more immune to this even if you aren’t 50 plus years old.

Then, when you do have a day off, besides wanting to sleep and relax as much as possible, there will be nothing but news and “news” on coronavirus.  That’s hopefully just the best case scenario as long as you don’t have to worry about a loved one doesn’t fall ill.  Plus, it isn’t like you can let loose in the form of a vacation or something that is a large gathering.  Or even watch March Madness or go see a new movie or concert.  And I doubt you really wanna watch “Grey’s Anatomy” on Netflix or any other medical show.

*Side note*  Do nurses like “Grey’s Anatomy?”  I mean it’s probably not even accurate because it has to be dramatized for TV.  Plus, it focuses on doctors mostly.  Why do most medical shows mostly concentrate on doctors?  EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THAT NURSES ARE THE BACKBONE OF A HOSPITAL.

Yes, doctors and the rest of the hospital staff are doing important work too (even maybe the people in medical billing? Probably not?), but again for those in the back, NURSES ARE THE BACKBONE OF A HOSPITAL.

Also, I’m sure on your time off you will have to see that everyone has a take on some angle of coronavirus.  Including the dope writing this.  I can imagine that it would be INFURIATING when some people seem to be marginalizing this because “it has a low mortality rate.”  

I’m sure you would love to scream “YOU KNOW WHAT LOWERS THE MORTALITY RATE?  FUCKING FLATTENING THE CURVE!!!”  

I hope that trying to spread out the cases of coronavirus over a longer time rather than pushing hospitals and NURSES to the max by having a severe spike in a condensed time, happens.

I hope the curve flattens so much.

I hope coronavirus continues to “have a low mortality rate.”

I hope that testing and a vaccine are readily available as soon as possible.

I hope the job of a NURSE doesn’t get too fucking DEMANDING.

I hope no one I know dies from coronavirus, even though “it has a low mortality rate.”

I hope hospitals don’t have to decide which patients get priority because there aren’t enough intensive care beds/equipment whatever you need to keep your job as easy as possible.

I hope that while you were working your ASSES off, that you were able to stockpile enough food and toilet paper.

I hope some of this typical long-winded-Tim writing makes you smile.

I hope we all get to watch March Madness next year (or watch new movies or go to concerts, whatever floats your boat).

I hope we never have to experience another pandemic again (even if “it has a low mortality rate’), or if we do, that the world learns from this and improves.

I hope I don’t roll my eyes so much when I see “it has a low mortality rate,” that I have to visit a hospital for my eyes being stuck in the back of my head.

I hope your loved ones treat you to massages, good food, or whatever you need when you are off work.

I hope neither you or your loved ones, or your co-workers get coronavirus.

I hope medical TV dramas focus on nurses more.

Mostly I hope if people didn’t already know, that they remember that NURSES FUCKING KICK ASS!

Thanks for everything you have always done and will do.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Dear To-Be-Named Soon:

Why am I writing a blog for you before you are born?  Not in case the plane I am on crashes on my way to my yearly “fun” work seminars where I am “not” herded around like a part of a herd of cattle.  But if this plane WERE to crash, then it’d be cool to have some last thoughts written down.  I suppose I better write my name down (Tim Bowers) so they could identify to whom this belongs.

Wow, that was a pretty morbid start.  Good thing by the time you read this you’ll probably just roll your eyes and be like, “Yep, that’s my Dad.”  You’re welcome by the way.

You are getting this pre-birth blog mainly because:

You are the 2nd child.  And your sister Riley did not get a pre-birth blog.  I wanted you to have a first something that your sister didn’t.  That way you will have something to hold over her head.  Or I’m sure you’ll eventually develop the ability to say something snarky like “Riley, Mom and Dad had to have another child in their search for the perfect child.”  To which she’ll probably respond something snarky as well.   Ah. . . good times. . .  can’t wait.  I’ll try not too laugh.

Also, I apologize for the not having the name part of this.  That’s because we are holding out til birth to see if you need a boy name or a girl name.   I kind of hope we need to use the girl name we have picked out, not just because we have a lot of girl newborn clothes and very few boy clothes for a newborn.  We also don’t have a boy name finalized yet (almost 36 weeks in).   I suggested “Boy” from the movie “Birdbox” since we are having a tough time deciding.   But you probably heard your Mother slap me up side the head for that one.  Or call me “Special.”  Which you’ve heard like 5 times a day no doubt.

I am also writing this blog now because the last 2 weeks you’ve been kind of anxious apparently.  Your mother had to get a shot and take some medication to make sure you don’t come too early.  It’s cool that you want to get here so bad, but I guess I know where you got your lack of patience from (not me. . . just saying. . . ).  Your sister has it too (she also didn’t get it from me. . . .).  Even though your Mom has been taking medication, that didn’t stop you from causing sporadic enough contractions to inspire me to miss out on those “fun” work seminars on day 2.   Then, of course, when I get back, you don’t stir up any contractions.  I suppose you are going to play your first joke and tease us with your impending arrival, but then go to near your due date.

I’m chalking up this anxiousness to arrive to you not wanting to miss football season.  I can assure you, that even though it is only the preseason, and the Lions have only played 1 game, there is absolutely no need to rush to watch them.  So go ahead and arrive during their week 1 game.  I already know that’ll be an L.

I hope that by the time I decide you get to read these that Riley hasn’t tried to make sure she is an only child again.  (Joking?)  But, I do know that one of your Aunts (you’ll know which one) chased around your Mom with a knife when they were kids.  So I’m hoping that isn’t genetically passed on to you.

Just so you know, we do not plan to make you a middle child.  Not just because middle children are a pain (clue to figuring out which Aunt chased her sisters around with a knife, but like I said, you won’t need this clue).  Nor is it just because you and your sister were pains in the butt for your Mother during pregnancy.  Also, not just because your Dad will be almost 37 when you are born.  I can already see it now, someday in the future, you are friends or schoolmate with someone who’s parents could make me look like THEIR father.  Which isn’t all that bad, because that would be a good way for me not to have to socialize with other parents.  Especially if I am a sports parent and have to interact with SPORTS PARENTS.

I hope you are a social person, unlike me.  Although the only thing that keeps me as social as I am is the fact that I read that being social could help prevent dementia when I get older.  So, I guess I’ll be working with the general public until I’m 70.   

I also hope you aren't a pessimist, but more like a optimistic realist.  You are going to need to be an optimistic realist, especially if you are a girl, they have a lot of bullshit they have to put up with.  I also hope you are and optimistic realist because you are going to need to be because of climate change.

Once again, I was a bit of a Debbie Downer the last paragraph.  Although a few months ago I read something that has helped me be less pessimistic.  It was from a weekly reader mailbag column I read.  One of the reader questions expressed concern about the shitty things going on in the world and how could anyone feel good about adding to the population.  The writer responded with something along the lines of, “While you can’t control the world around you on an individual level, you got to keep hope that newer generations may be able to help solve world ills collectively.  And that we CAN control HOW much and HOW well you love your kids.

So I promise you that I will love you (and your sister) fearlessly.  Even if you and your sister are fighting.  Even when I will have to revert to the-raising-a-newborn sleep schedule.  Even when you inevitably inherit stubbornness and a smart ass mouth.  I will love you by offering the corniest of Dad jokes.  And when you are getting the “Don’t make me a grandpa while you are a teenager” education, just remember it’s because I love you.  I will love you by trying to raise you as a compassionate person to all those who are deserving of it.  I will love you by stockpiling water and other survival tools in case there are future water wars.  I will love you by teaching you that the Packers, Irish, and Indians all suck.  Lastly I will love you by being the best Dad I can be to you, even if part of that includes making you a Detroit Lions fan.  Which I promise you, will come from a loving place.

Can’t wait to meet you! 

P. S. This could be the longest blog to one of my children yet, so that’s another thing you could tease your sister about.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

2

Riley Ann,

Welcome to the hopefully not so terrible 2's.  No matter how terrible you are, I'll still love you.  I expect to gain many white or gray hairs this year.  Or that my thinning spot on my head accelerates exponentially.  I'm sure that will happen anyways because this is the 2nd and last Dad-Birthday-Year-in-Review-Letter-to-Riley, where you are an only child.  So I want to make sure I put some good stuff in this one, because, my mind will be a lot mushier this time next year.  But the good news is that you will have 2 awesome Birthday-Year-in-Review-Letters.  Your upcoming brother or sister will probably get subpar ones by comparison (not on purpose, but just because Dad will be super tired I'm sure).  

Unless you miraculously start sleeping through the night every night instead of just like 2/3 of the time.  I do remember a glorious 2 week stretch where it was every night.  Then it wasn't.  Oh, well.  Just remember when you are in your teenage years when I randomly wake your ass up as part of the Dad-doesn't-want-to-be-a-Grandpa-while-he-has-a-teenager training. 

Anyways, on to some of the many highlights of the past year. 

1) Laughter:  The sound of you laughing is the best thing ever.  Luckily you do it often, because you are a pretty happy kid.  My favorite recent thing is how you picked up my trait of fake laughing that turns into hysterical real laughing.  We've had some pretty good fake turned into real laughing sessions lately.  The added nuance of me teaching you to tilt your head back while doing so is awesome.  I can't wait to teach you fake evil laughs.  Not only do you laugh a lot, you like to make others smile and laugh.  Like when you pull the offer someone something then pull it away as they reach for it game.  Or maybe you only do that to Dad.  I'll have to thank your Mom for teaching you that one. 

2) Generosity.  You will often wave and blow kisses to not just family, but acquaintances too.  You even like to give out hugs.  I hope you are always kind and generous to those who DESERVE it.  Unfortunately, as you grow, you will have to learn about stranger danger and deal with all the creepy dude BS girls have to (but that's what karate will be for), but as long as you treat people who DESERVE it with kindness or civility, then we will have succeeded.

3) Love of Music and Dancing.  I never thought I would be able to hear songs being played and reference animated movies so much.  Or that I would dance along with the credits of Trolls.  But you love music and dancing, especially movies with musical numbers, or animated TV show theme songs.  I want to make sure you like all kinds of music like me, and are not apprehensive about dancing, also like me.  If you don't like a little bit of 90's Country, my soul will die just a little bit.  Also, as part of your Don't-be-a-Teenage-Mother education, you will have to watch all your favorite movies from this age over and over again as a teenager to see how "fun" it is.  I mean, there are cycles where you like it, love it, hate it, then like it again, but still. . . 

4) Fearlessness:  I think this one is amusing right now, your mother doesn't, as evident by her heart failure reactions sometimes.  You seem to be a daredevil.  You throw yourself backwards in your tent or ball pit and sometimes hit your head on stuff.   But. You. Rarely. Cry.  You just hop right up and keep playing.  Lately, you like standing on the recliner and hopping off for me to catch you.  Only, you give me little time to prepare.  You don't really get startled or scared by anything yet either.  Which is good, that way I can have you crawl in the crawl space and fix stuff.  Just kidding. . . partially.  I hope as you get older the number of things that you are scared of are minimal.  And that you are a risk-taker, not someone who just lets things happen.  A calculated risk taker, I should add, not a wreckless one.  Like the time Dad didn't close the gate to the kitchen and while in the bathroom heard you briefly cry.  When I checked on you and picked you up you stopped crying and we played for a bit until Dad went to check on dinner in the oven and discovered . . .the. . . oven. . door. . . open with something you were playing with on the door.  And when I checked your arm I saw a triangle shaped burn.  Which was only a 2nd degree burn I learned at the hospital.  Which you can barely tell was a burn now thanks to the burn cream we had to put on your arm.  All the while, you barely cried at the pain or experience.  In fact, at the hospital, during the long-ass wait (which I'm sure they were secretly watching to observe whether I was a fit parent) you would wave and blow kisses to the nurses. 

5) Love of the outside.  It's that time of year where the whether is finally breaking (because . . .Ohio. . . you'll understand the variances soon).  When I pick you up from the sitter, if the yard isn't a swamp, I will let you walk around and play a bit.  But on days it is a swamp, and I don't let you, you get mad.  Which is good.  I'd rather have a kid who likes to be outside than one addicted to a phone or tablet.  Besides, a chiropractor once told me that there will be a rise in elderly hunchback people because their heads are always down in a phone or tablet.  I think we do a decent job of limiting you to only a little bit of phone time and all those weird variations of kid songs on YouTube.  Which is another reason I want you to play outside a bunch.  So I don't get songs stuck in my head (Johnny, Johnny . . .yes Papa) or because adults singing nursery rhymes and opening eggs or playing with action figures on YouTube is weird.  I like it better when you are listening to that Acapella group instead.  Yesterday you were outside for a bunch and had dirt and leaves on your face and in your hair.  Awesome!  While Daddy was inside sweating a basketball game (poor Auburn btw) he had invested interest in.  Which hopefully will lead to helping you get some outside play equipment.

6) Connoisseur of food.  So far, there isn’t really any food you don't like.  And if there is something we think you don't like, usually you will end up eating it for Jolene.  Just like you always have your longest naps for her.  Apparently, her grilled cheeses are better than ours.  But that's probably because you don't get to try Dad's version of different cheeses and added flavors (like crushed red pepper).  The only food you don't seem to like is mashed potatoes.  Weird!  You like pickles, unfortunately.  And my goal is to make you not one of those people that puts ketchup on their mac n cheese (out of the will if you do!).  You love fruit, which is awesome.  I like it but I don't eat it that much.  I will start to more so you keep eating it though.  You have seemingly inherited my sweet tooth possibly.  Not that we let you give into it all the time, but the Nafziger side of me where everyone has a sweet tooth is definitely with you. 

7) Liking books.  Right now, most nights you won't go to bed without some bedtime stories.  A time or two you have even fell asleep with a book in your bed.  And when you get up in the morning you bring the books with you to the playroom or living room.  Hopefully your interest in books expands.  Although not the kind your Mom and Auntie A read.  What they read isn’t literature, that's trash.  I like to read too, but it's mostly longform articles on my phone or tablet.  If I have too, I am willing to find a book and cutout pages the shape of my phone, so that when I read, you will know it is reading and not phone time. 

8) Daddy's girl.  This is by far the most important notation in this letter.  Dad is the one you make go to the playroom and lay in the ball pit (which sometimes causes a little back pain, but not enough to say no to you).  Or Dad is the one who you want most of the time to put you to bed.  Dad is the one you just plop right down on.  Dad is the one who usually doesn't have more than 7 minutes to read or watch a part of a show.  Dad does get a little frustrated that Mom can have these luxuries because you currently prefer Dad to Mom mostly.  But he realizes that Daddy's girl could just be a phase and also likes to brag about it to your Mother.  Which is also why I write these letters.  Because one day, Dad could say one last sarcastic comment and disappear.  At least you'd have these to remember me by.  Also, there is potential of your Mom getting a different job or cutting back some hours.  Which would mean you might see her more than me.   Which could mean you wouldn't be a Daddy's girl anymore.  Typing this didn't make me tear up at all. . . So much for not trying to get too mushy in this year's letter, like I did last year when talking about your Grandma Peggy . . . 

Anyways, I can't wait to spend the next year collecting great adventures of potty training, or breaking of the needing the pacifier when going to sleep habit, or for sure, anecdotes of having to share the spotlight with your new brother or sister.  And hopefully funny stories about your expanding vocabulary, which will probably include an unfortunate swear word you learned from one of your parents (me).   But mostly, I look forward to another year filled with laughter.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

1

Riley Ann,

1 year ago on April 8, 2017 at 11:43, we were finally blessed with your appearance.  You were 6 pounds and 13 ounces.  But that can't be right.  When I see your newest cousin, I think to myself that there is no way you were that small!  But of course you were.  Maybe the short nap I took during the 27 hours from induction to birth are making me remember wrong.

Now you are walking.  Holy crap!  I guess Mommy and Daddy should actually try to finish that baby gate they started making back in November!  A coffee table with a laundry basket underneath it is just a pain in the ass.  Besides, the dog sometimes jumps on it which we can't have since your Mom and Great Grandpa made that together.

Speaking of the dog (Creed), I won't be a bit surprised if the first phrase you say is "Bad Dog!"  Not that he's a horrible dog, he just is super needy and sometimes gets into things, like your containers of Puffs.  He also is a wimp who won't go outside when it is rainy or wet.  He's pretty good with you though.  He likes to lick your face and clean up the food you may or may not purposely drop on the floor for him (and the cat).  By the time I decide to let you read your birthday letters from me, Creed will probably not be around, and we probably won't have another dog after him.

You said Mom before you said Dad, but I still love you.  Because I'm pretty sure you are going to be a Daddy's girl.  Even if you choose to be a Michigan fan.  Although maybe you'll be just as much of a Mommy's girl and you will bond over watching "Grey's Anatomy," because that was on a lot during your first year.  Heck, the show will probably be going strong when you are a teenager.  Maybe you'll have the same cackle your Mom does when something "funny" happens on the show.  Maybe you'll ignore something I say to you while you watch it like your Mom does.

Hopefully, you'll become a sleeper like me.  Or at least pre-you, me.  I think you've probably slept through the night maybe 10 times in the first year.  On a related note, when you are a teenager, when I randomly wake you up in the middle of the night to show you what it's like to have a baby, know that it is really helping you out as much as me when I am giving you this dose of  outside-the-box pregnancy prevention.

Quick hitters (because I can pontificate with the written word with the best of them:

-We haven't found a food you don't like yet, which is great.  Hopefully you will eventually be on my side of the ketchup on mac and cheese debate.

-You were a mostly happy and chill person in year 1.  Often times when you had a tumble, you wouldn't even cry.  The only times you weren't chill is when you were hungry or tired.  You definitely got your hangriness from you Mom.  

-And the ability to snort while laughing.  That's from the whole Aldrich side.

-You got so, so, so, so, so, many presents for your 1st birthday party.  Wowsers!  Which means you are very loved.  I hope that you always are able to feel how much you are loved, even when you are sad.  

-And not just by people you know, but by people you didn't get a chance to meet, like your Grandma Peggy.  I want you to know she was so very excited to know she was going to have a grand baby.   When I told her, I swear she jumped a foot in the air.  I'm sure she is always watching out for you.  And if you happen to inherit another family trait from your Mom, perhaps, you will even be able to see her.

Goals for the next year (and beyond):

-Continue to be a happy child (even as the dreaded Terrible 2's loom).

-Get more of those teeth in so you can enjoy an even bigger selection of food.

-Maybe start the potty training by your next birthday.

-Enjoy being able to be outside when the weather finally gets warmer.  Outside, the thing you've only seen through windows and briefly while being carried in carrier to and from the car.

-Continue to develop more words to say.  Hopefully, you will come to like story time even more.  And maybe be able to sit still for a whole story.

-To not touch the cord to the router!  Or any cord!   Or try to chew on the end of the phone chargers!

-To sleep through the night maybe 30 times during the next year.

-To continue to be the pride and joy of your Mother and me.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Dear Buffalo (NY), Fuck you!

Why are you receiving this letter? 

I know you are not supposed to answer a question with a question, but "Are you kidding?"  Or, "Is that the best you got?."

It is really kind of amusing.  I saw your letter saying "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, etc, ect" and knew right away you could go in the burn pile.  Then when a representative of your law firm calls and says "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, etc" I just roll my eyes.

Then I google your supposed law firm.  What's that? The state you said you are from and your law firm name don't match?  "Shocking."  But there is a "law firm" by that name in Buffalo, NY?

Yep, I can't take you serious once I see Buffalo, NY.  What's the first synonym for Buffalo I think of?  Ineptitude.

Obviously, the Bills come to mind.  Going to 4 straight Super Bowls and losing each one?  Even if the Lions (or Browns) lucked in to 4 straight Super Bowls, I am sure they would win at least one.  Of course it would be in the worst way possible.  Like a 0-0 tie that keeps going into 7,000 overtimes, before dummy Goodell decides to flip a coin to decide that either the Lions or Browns win the Super Bowl. 

 I hope somehow, someway, the kicker (Norwood?) who fucked up your Super Bowls, has a son who ends up on your team because his father changes his last name and trains him to be the best kicker ever, somehow kicks for you in a Super Bowl and purposely turns and kicks the ball the other way and flips the double bird for all the shit you gave his dad.

Your hockey team isn't much better.  You lost the Stanley Cup finals when Brett Hull was ILLEGALLY in the crease!  Since then you have sucked.  Last year it was on purpose so you could draft one of the 2 prized prospects.  I hope he leads them to the Stanley Cup Finals one day up against whatever team Brett Hull's son plays for and the EXACT same thing happens to you.

Ok, enough about your sucky sports teams.  Your police investigation team royally fucked up the Patrick Kane rape case.  Tallahasse police would be proud if they weren't laughing at you while they remember how their shitty police work actually paid of because they were helping a player on the city's team, not some player from another city's team.  And they won a championship at Florida State too!

I hope you get twice the amount of snow you did last year.

Maybe it's just the fact that I have went to the gym twice today to work out, but realized both times I had forgotten a piece of workout clothing.  Granted, one of those times was right after work and the gym is in the next building, but still.

Or maybe I will forgive you if I keep getting to see stupid Bills fans doing stupid things tailgating or while in the stadium.

Nah, fuck you Buffalo!

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Generally Speaking. . .

Generally speaking it has been a while since I pontificated profusely. Specifically, I don't know exactly how long it has been.

Generally speaking, it is a policy of mine to assume the general world around me is being specific when they say anything foolish. Specifically because humans are generally, naturally, self-centered to bend the world as they see it to match their world view.

Generally speaking, I don't think twice about posting something pointing out my odd humor (like the Lysol can Anniversary). Specifically, like this morning while walking to the post office, I actually second guessed myself on a picture of a graveyard and making an erosion joke. That doesn't happen often.

Generally speaking I try to never make statements that would make it seem as if I were saying mean things about a group of people. But if we are talking about something specifically, like the Cleveland Indians, then I try to always label that team as douche bags or losers.

Generally speaking, I don't interject or even take interest in “hot-button issue” talk that I hear around me because of the second “generally speaking” from above. But specifically speaking, the other day I did get super-irritated at having to hear a discussion on how climate change is exaggerated if in fact there is any change going on at all. Which, I guess means that scientists are stupid. And that people in other parts of the world where climate change is easily more viewable (like rising ocean levels that will one day put island nations in the Indian Ocean underwater, or how Miami, Florida can flood on a sunny day), are just over reacting. Because people in Northwest Ohio, where the only evidence is the fact that the 9 of the last 10 years have alarming temperature trends, notice that it still gets cold and snows in the winter, so that “obviously” means that is a sign there is no such thing as climate change. The biggest point I would have made if I hadn't walked away from that conversation is that people associate climate change with global warming, which ignores that rising temperatures cause ice caps to melt, which cause sea salinity levels to change, which causes ocean currents that bring warm weather to some areas of the world to stop. That's just generally speaking though. And scientists are “stupid.” And the world is flat.

Generally speaking, when I am on the golf course, the pitching wedge is my mortal enemy. Historically and notoriously. But of course, the first time out this year it is miraculously my most consistent club. No part of me doubts that this was a specific instance that will in no way develop into a trend. I know I will be cursing at and throwing that sucker often this summer.

Generally speaking, Taylor Swift songs annoy me. Specifically speaking, watching The Rock lip sync to “Shake It Off” was enjoyable. Also, specifically speaking, the parody of her one song mixed with a goat was also entertaining.

Like I said earlier, generally speaking I don't get involved in “topical” issues. The other specific recent contradiction is the topic of “Fast Food Wage Raises.” Which is also, like global warming, a horrible “title.” Increasing the minimum wage would help all workers in any industry that get paid minimum wages. Also, I am pretty sure that if the “lower” end of the economy's jobs got an increase in pay that it would have a ripple effect of increased wages in many other areas. Specifically, like the military personnel post that is all over Facebook. They absolutely should be making more and if fast food/minimum wage went up, it would seem theirs would have to as well. This just seems logical to me, but I don't have any numbers/data on past minimum wage increase ripple effects to back it up. Even if I am dead wrong about this theory, I don't think calling fast food workers names and degrading them is a sufficient argument tool at the very least. But if there were ever a specific fast food worker that did something horrible like accidentally put GROSS, DISGUSTING, FOWL, NAUSEATING, GAG-WORTHY, PICKLES on my burger then all bets are off for that specific fast food worker. If you can't tell I very specifically HATE pickles!!!

Generally speaking, I don't talk to my neighbors at all. Specifically speaking, I talked to all 3 of my immediate neighbors in the same day last week. It may have been the first time talking to the neighbors on the South. But when a tree branch from my tree falls on their fence, I think it is a nice thing to do rather than just walk through the gate in their fence and just remove it without speaking to them. Also, nice is the fact that they didn't seem to care at all. Probably because when I was on the roof cleaning out my gutters I could see that they haven't cared about their pool upkeep in years.

My neighbors across the street, and my neighbor on the north, I have spoken to a few times over 6 years or so. My neighbors across the street are a super nice old couple. Who, during the winter when I am at work will plow out my driveway without me asking, because they know I'm not home to shovel. They have also mowed my lawn without asking and on windy days when I was at work taken my trash can and recycle bin from the road side up the the garage door for me. They are the type of people who know everything that is, or has ever, gone on in this town. They have many people that honk their horns in a friendly matter when they drive by.

Still, me being a generally a“bit” anti-social “sometimes,” I don't try to initiate conversation with them. But, specifically speaking, I did the other day when I dropped off a gift card for them for their help plowing my driveway. At first I thought I was going to get away with ringing the doorbell twice and leaving the card in the screen door after waiting for 2 minutes. But, as I walked away, they opened the door and invited me in. Like I said, they are awesomely nice people and their conversation was enjoyable. But I just knew that I was going to be there awhile. It took maybe 3 or 4 “signals to end the conversation” before I was able to make it back across the street 30-45 minutes later.

My neighbor on the north I also don't generally go out of my way to talk to. But I do happen to see him in my place of work sometimes. Specifically, I would describe him a free-spirit. With lots of yard “decor” with a circa-1980's junkyard feel to it. My neighbors to the north just love to “warn me” about this neighbor getting too close to my property line and how he has a history of being somewhat of a “scoundrel.” Like the one time they were taking care of this yard for this house's previous owner and noticed some “funny looking tomato trees” in his back yard that smelled different. Which turned out to be weed. The guy has always been super chill with me and even offered to let me use his pressure washer and whatever else I need. Heck, I don't even have to ask him beforehand, I can just go to his pole barn and grab it if he isn't home. Generally speaking, I'm sure everyone has neighborhood high jinks, but specifically, I think mine are thankfully on the ironically funny side and not the Hatfield and McCoy scale at all.

Generally speaking, I apologize to the audience of like 4 people who I know for sure that like to read my ramblings. Specifically speaking, I don't though because the reason I probably haven't been rambling, pontificating, going off on weird tangents, etc, etc, is because generally when I have been in a blogging mood it has been because I have also been in a “restless” mood. Specifically speaking, I have yet to translate how to sustain my self-conceited level of awesomeness in my ramblings, when I am coming from a far better and happier state of mind.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Dear Deer,

1)  Letter Choice #1

Dear Deer,

I hate your stinking guts.  You make me vomit.  You are scum between my toes.   Love, Tim

2)  Letter Choice #2

Dear Deer,

Fuck off.  Love, Tim.

One of those is based on a scene from "Little Rascals."  One of them is from the bottom of my heart.

Tim vs the deer mafia is a long running conflict.   Right up there with the Hatfields vs McCoys.  And the Montagues vs Capulets.  I would also use OSU vs scUM or  UT vs BGSUcks as analogies, but can those even be considered rivalries anymore?

I haven't blogged in a while.   The 3 or 4 of you that read all this awesomeness may have wondered why.  It's because I have been formulating theories on how to end my vendetta against the deer mafia.  Even though they have only once came really close in their assasination attempts of me. 

Gun season is over and I unfortunately have still seen to many mafia members still.  It's like I am a deer magnet.  Or they just really like to taunt me.  Which is why I have come up with the following possible solutions:

* Bribe whomever it takes to prolong gun season

* Bribe whomever it takes to increase the # of deer hunters are allowed to kill

* Bribe some coyotes to kill more of them for me.  Not Wil E Coyote though, because he will obviously never succeed.

* Bribe landowners along State Route 18 and Stever Road to let hunters hunt on their properties

Non-Bribery Related Options:

* Something with drones.  I mean if TGI Fridays can have mistletoe drones that accidentlally cut the faces of diners, then there has to be someway I can use drones in my vendetta.  Drones do everything.

*  Train some coyotes from birth to be better deer hunters than they currently are.  Maybe I can train them with drones!

* Have hunters pay me to follow me around since the deer mafia likes to taunt me so much.

* Make the head of the deer mafia an "offer they can't refuse."  "Godfather" style

* Become an arsonist and burn all forms of deer-edible vegetation around areas I don't want them. 

* Buy truckloads and truckloads of deer licks and make a trail for the deer mafia to follow.  Probably so they all migrate permanently to Indiana, because I hate that state.

* Become a hunter myself.

       * Either traditionally.

       * Or maybe ala Walter White in "Breaking Bad" style with a machine   gun rigged in my vehicle somehow.  Been over a year and I still cite "Breaking Bad."  I might have a problem.

     * Hunt with drones.   Drones are super-kewl apparently.

In conclusion:  I'm not sure if I ever cried when Bambi's mom died when I was a kid, but if I did, I sincerely regret it.

　

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Lyrical Mysteries 4

Listening to music with me in the car is a pain in the ass.  Or so I have been told.  I skip around a lot.  To all types of musical genres.  The most frustrating part, or so I have been told, is the fact that I always switch to a new song before the song currently on is over.  A song in which I switched to near the end of another song.  I guess I am like Don Draper and only like the beginnings of things.

On to the Lyrical Mysteries I have stumbled upon:

I am horrible with names.  Especially if it is someone I am only going to see once.  I can't tell you how many people know my name from my days at the Unity Main Stop.  Yet I don't know their names.  I don't feel bad either.  But one name, I know I would remember had I ever heard it, is Cecilia.  I would remember it because I would know to beware of her because of the song where it is sung that she is "breaking my heart and shaking my confidence daily."  Maybe the fact I don't know or even hear this name being said is evidence that the world has purposely tried to eradicate this name.  Probably due to that song.  Thanks Simon & Garfunkle!

Some songs I hate immediately but eventually come around to like.  "Drunk on a Plane" is one of them.  Although, I'd never get drunk on a plane because my contacts get dry enough as it is in the air.  Plus, that might make me lower my guard and actually talk to strangers.  Can't have that.

I would like to offer Jason Derulo a slight alteration to "Talk Dirty."  Just stop at "no hable."  That way it doesn't distract from non-verbal communications.  Hable is overrated.  It just confuses me.

I feel guilty about this next one.  I loathe Paramore for some irrational reason.  Yet "Aint it Fun" is catchy.  Not so catchy that I'd sing it out loud, but catchy enough that my brain tries to get me to sing it every time it is on.  Which I counter with a slap to my head.  Is this giving props or a back-handed compliment to Paramore?

Ed Sheeran and "Don't."  The lyrics are actually not mysterious at all.  "Don't fuck with my love, that heart is so cold all over my arm"  Pretty straight forward stuff.  The mystery I have found with this song is the music video.  Makes no damn sense to me.  Some dude just dancing around. If somebody can translate how the video relates to the song, that would be awesome.

"Bang, Bang"  There's no mystery as to which of the 3 performers I like best in this song.  There is also no mystery as to the fact that it is definitely not Ariana Grande.  Mainly due to the fact that anyone who sees ghosts and refuses to be photographed on one side of her face signals off so many red flags. 

'Spottieottiedopaliscious' by Outkast.  I have no idea what the song title means, but I absolutely LOVE this song.  I don't even want to know the answer to this mystery.  Sometimes a little mystery is a good thing.

"Happy" by Pharrell:  I have this theory that if you have to say something so, so much then it is obviously a subconscious ploy, a defense mechanism, or a lie.  Or some combination of those 3.  It makes me think of the saying I read/heard that "Apologies are like donating to charity, the more one says it the less genuine it is."  That's a paraphrase.  Which is why I never apologize more than 3 times.  Even if those 3 apologies are absolutely genuine from the bottom of my heart but they are not believed because I for some reason uncontrollably smirk while saying "I'm Sorry."

Which reminds me of the "One Week" lyric:

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will

I always thought that was fitting for me.

Mysteries from songs I hear constantly:

"We Found Love" by Rihanna.  I only hear this song every work day.  Sometimes at the same exact time on consecutive work days.  I always wonder where the hopeless place is she found love?  Maybe this is mysterious to me because I am such an OBVIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC person who could never think of a hopeless place.  I know no such places.

"Love in this Club" by Usher.  This always pops up in my Pandora shuffle playlist.  Yeah, I have it as thumbs up, but I have lots of songs on thumbs up that don't pop up constantly.  I'd like to hear "Black on Blue" or "Hard to Handle" just as much but I don't.  The mystery I have tied to this song is not why it keeps coming up when I have Pandora on, but as to which club Usher is talking about?  Don't you think the owner of said club would love for the free publicity if Usher would only say which club?

Mysteries from songs I heard recently and had forgotten how much I missed hearing these songs:

"Wink" by Neal McCoy.  Not really much mystery in this song for most people I'm sure.  But, I, have never been able to especially understand one line in this song.  At first it was I never could concisely hear it.  Then once I looked it up.  Then the problem became remembering the line.  I know every other line in this song, but the one line betrays me, every single time.  Maybe me putting this in here will help me remember that the line is: "NO NEED TO PSYCHOANALYZE. . . "

"Forgot about Dre" I am really surprised I forgot about this one.  How could anyone EVER forget about Dre?  How did I forget about this song, when Eminem is my go-to playlist for when I feel agitated and don't feel like buying $5 bargain doors to smash.  Of which, I haven't done since January 2013, thank you very much.  Also, why did it take seeing a viral video of some "celebrity" (Chris Pratt? who is that guy) on the website Uproxx to make me realize I haven't heard this song in a while?

Obligatory Temptations Lyrical Mystery

"Aint too Proud to Beg"  Since, I have never begged in my life, this is definitely a mystery to me.  Hmm. . .  what would Freud say if he were to PSYCHOANALYZE me. . .

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

They say the 1st step is admitting. . . .

I have a problem.  Well, many problems actually.  Most of them well-known.  But my newest problem is one of addiction.

To Dateline Mysteries.  There are 3 different channels on which I can watch them.  At one point I probably had 15 to 20 of them in my DVR queue.  Which is probably why I haven't been sleeping well lately.  I am pretty sure it is becaue I am staying up later to watch them and not because of all the dark and evil things that happen in them disturb me so much that I can't sleep.  This reason for lack of sleep is way, way, way less painful than any other reason I have ever had for lack o' sleep.

It's hard to know why feel the need to keep watching.  Because while roughly 98.43281793% of them are about murder, 92.4111182 % of those involve some sort of love shape, usually a triangle or a line (I guess that's what shape one of the mysteries where there wasn't any cheating going on is called).  Sometimes it's a quadrangle.

I mean, I know in these episodes it is always going to be one of the spouses/significant others OR a jilted lover.  Sometimes you can even tell from the beginning of the episode who is guilty when they are interviewing someone and they are surrounded by plain walls and the camera is only showing a head shot while the person is talking.  You can also usually see the top part of what is probably a prison issued uniform.  But yet, I still watch.

Maybe I watch because the narration around the murder is good.  Even though some of the tag lines as they go to commercial are usually corny.  (Is it weird to use the word corny as an adjective in a blog where the main subject is MURDER mysteries?)  Maybe I am fascinated with the narration/storytelling because I am jealous that I am not getting paid to come up with the words that are spoken on screen.   That would be an awesome job!  (Wait, did I just say it would be awesome to work in a field where I was surrounded by homicides?)  The titles of these episodes could also use my expertise.

Maybe I am just jealous (or drawn in) by the fact that the narrator in most of the episodes is Keith Morrison.  I mean, he really reminds me of Robert Stack but totally not creepy as fuck.  I don't know if I could pull of the narration.  Although they could edit out any inappropriate laughs I guess.  Because some of the people/evil doers are stupid.  I tend to laugh at stupid people.

Like in the instances where a suspect is interviewed and asked "Did you kill/murder so-and-so?" And while speaking the words "No, I didn't" they are simultaneiously and unconsciously nodding their heads up and down.  I am awful at reading body language, but even I notice that.  Although I probably wouldn't if I were asking the question because when it comes to me noticing this sort of thing in the moment in real life, I am horrible.  Guess I am just better in reel life.

One thing I have often wondered while watching these episodes is . . . what is up with defense lawyers?  Are they just stupid people?  In denial? Great liars?  Or don't they care as long as they get paid?  I mean, I get it in the cases where it is some gray-haired male lawyer defending an attractive female suspect.  But in any other case, when they are interviewed you have to wonder if they believe what they are saying.  I mean, obviously, because they are being interviewed on Dateline, their clients are going to end up guilty.  Why would you want to publically broadcast that you lost a case?  More likely they are just smart people who are horrible at reading people.  Hmmm. . . .

Some of the cases I remember best are the one where the wife killed her husband then put his body in a barrel and poured acid on it to try and dissolve it.  This reminded me of "Breaking Bad."  (Do I bring up "Breaking Bad" in all of my blogs?)  There was also the one where a fickle teen mom killed her baby daddy over something petty.  I think her reasoning was because she didn't like the fact he used a phone clip.

My favorite non-love triangle/line murder was the feuding neighbors.  One of them was laid back and liked to decorate their yard with weird knick knacks.  The other one loved order, as evidence by the fact that the guy would SORT HIS FUCKING FIREWOOD INTO BUCKETS AND LINE THEM UP FROM SMALL TO BIG PIECES OF TWIGS AND WOOD!!!  I am sure you can guess which neighbor was the murderer.

The one I watched last night was about a pregnant wife who pushed her husband out of their apartment from 25 stories up in the air.  What was truly notable about this episode was the fact that as I was watching it I realized I had watched this episode before.  But that didn't stop me from watching it again!!

So, I don't see this obsession ending anytime soon.  In fact, I have often thought it would be funny to spoof a Dateline Mystery episode with puppies.  In place of every human (except the narrator), I think there should be puppies.  That way when you are telling this grisley story of murder, the theory of everything is cuter with puppies could be tested.  I think that's a great idea.  I had better try and get ahold of Keith Morrison to see what he thinks.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Tim The Fool Man Bowers

As I currently type this my tongue feels burnt.  Like I may not be able to taste again.  And I believe it is all due to my home remodeling project that I am three days into.  How did I get here?  Have I mentioned I fucking hate home improvement projects?

The project:  Rip out carpet in living room AND hallway and put in laminate flooring.

Reasons I believed this project would be somewhat easy:  I have installed laminate flooring in rooms of OTHERS (friends/family) before with not many issues.

Reasons I believed this project could be problematic:  because I am me.

Day 1, 9:00 am

After waking up and having a bagel I decide it is time to start ripping up carpet.  Actually it is probably way past time because this project may have been on the last 2 years' List of Resolutions.  Also, I should note in a foreboding omen, that I refused the help of 2 friends with my home improvement project.  That's me.  Stubborn asshole.  Which will obviously be followed by that bitch Karma eventually.

I decide I am going to rip up half the room (13 x 23) that way I can still listen to The Dan Patrick Show in the background.  I love that show.  So does Ron Burgandy, so you know it is awesome.  Anyways, I cut the carpet lengthways down the middle and start to pull it up.  Whew!  Hardwood flooring underneath.  In decent condition!  This is going to be an easy project.

Only, on my second or third trip hauling carpet and pad out the front door I turn one of my left ankles.  Specifically, the one where I happened to have broken a bone in the foot a few years back.  And I think the same one I turned during "The Greatest Game of Basketball I Ever Played."  But I'm not really sure if it is THE same ankle because I injure myself so much it is hard to keep track.  Regardless, I decide it isn't that bad and that I will gut it out.

The worst part about tearing up carpet?  Having to remove tack strip and deal with the millions of staples that were used to put the carpet pad down. T-E-D-I-O-U-S.  After finally getting the first half done it is time to move the furniture off the other half of carpet that needs removed.  While doing so I decide I am finally getting rid of this stupid blue couch.  I got it for free which was nice, but the fat lady has sung.  Actually, she sung a week ago, but I was too lazy to put it out in my yard with a free sign during the 127 garage sales.  So now I have a couch and a bunch of carpet and pad in my garage.  That looked so nice and organized just a week earlier.  At least the rest of the tearing out of carpet is uneventful.  Dealing with staples is still T-E-D-I-O-U-S though.

After removing carpet, pad, tack strip, AND STAPLES, it is time for the easy part.  Laying the laminate.  After laying the underlayment, I realize I forgot that you have to work left to right and the side of the room I want to start on has a starting point of right by the front door.  Which means having to undercut the trim.  And just to be safe, I better go save big money and buy the transition that will go there to help me decide how the first row needs cut.  Despite absolutely hating to save big $ while on vacation, I realize I left my lunch bag there the previous day.  That had food in there that I chose not to eat because I chose the freedom of leaving the confines of SB$ for lunch instead.  I also needed felt pads to protect my soon to be laminate floor.

After returning home I realize I won't need to make difficult cuts in the boards in the first row.  But I still have to make to cuts in each row because you don't want joints matching across the entire floor.  I decide to use the "Special Buy" multi-saw I bought over a year ago and hadn't used yet.  Rather than asking for help from anyone I know to borrow their chop saw.  Even though on my previous installations I found the chop saw to be very, very helpful to make quick cuts.  (Stubborn asshole example #3).

The first row is a piece of cake, as it should be.  Laying the next row end to end is easy too.  Now I just need to join the 2 rows.  Which is way more difficult than it should be (and has been in the past for me).  After 2.5 rows I figure out that the quality of some of the boards out of the one box are pretty much defective in their locking mechanisms.  Super.  After only laying 1/4 of the floor and having difficulties I decide I need beer and am done for the day.  Also, by knees (no knee pads) and ankle and glutes are sore as hell.

Day 2 10:00 am

After waking up and discovering my first left ankle and foot feel fine I realize it is going to be a good day to finish the flooring and hopefully leaving the trim to be finished on Sunday.

Good news:  the laying of planks is going A LOT smoother.  Must've only been one bad box.

Bad news:  My "Special Buy" Multi Saw is acting up.  Like smoking really bad and pretty damn hot in my hand.  I figure out that the blades are only good for 40 to 50 cuts including only 2 "L" cuts.  I also realized that I may need to switch out the blade after an incident where I am pretty sure I am lucky to still have my left hand in tact after a scary kickback with the saw.

While I let the saw cool down before using the new blade, I decide to eat and watch some TV.  Jackpot!  Dateline mysteries are on!  I can watch these non stop!  Way better than fictionalized crime shows.  Even though these "mysteries" always end up being the wife, husband, or jilted lover being the murderer.  I guess if it were a random stranger then the show wouldn't be as entertaining.  I mean compelling.  Murder IS NOT entertaining.  I repeat, MURDER IS NOT ENTERTAINING.

I get back to work and at about 7 or 8 pm and drenching in sweat for the 2nd day in a row, I decide I am done.  Even though I only have the last row to do.  Anyways, the last row is always the WORST because you have to rip every single board.  Also, by knees and glutes are killing me yet again.  But I don't go for beer on night 2.  Because I lifted earlier in the morning and planned to on Sunday morning too.  When I lift, I rarely drink.  This time I choose to walk my drenched self to the Dairy Bar for ice cream.  Where I proceed to order the Extra Large Flurry.  It is fucking huge!  At least a quart of ice cream.  Probably closer to a half a gallon.  Or somewhere in between.  Anyways, I eat it until I get back home and decide to save the remaining 2/3 for the next couple of days.

Day 3, 8:47 am

I ignore my alarm for 47 minutes.  Which is ok because my alarm is Pandora Radio.  I need to get up to lift and head to SB$ again because I am going to buy quarter round and a box of nails and some other items to FINISH the job today.  (Stubborn asshole moment #4 is buying these and choosing to install quarter round with hammer and nail set rather than borrow a friend's air brad nailer he offered.)  Also, I choose to SB$ in Fort Wayne that way I can eat at Qdoba.  Which is the best thing about Fort Wayne.  The other good thing about Fort Wayne is the country radio station 103.3.  Everything else about Fort Wayne and Indiana generally sucks.  I mean the sign at the state line says "Boyhood home of Abe Lincoln." 

How pathetic is it that what Indiana chooses to put at their state line is some groupie-like, secondary-not interesting fact that they are glamming on to.  Indiana, you are stupid!  Abe Lincoln was born in Kentucky!  And elected President from Illinois.  I'm sure Abe hated every second of his life in Indiana.  It's not like there was Qdoba or 103.3 back then.  Indiana, why can't you put something about the INDY 500 at the state line.  Or a sign that says during football season we cheer for Notre Dame, but during basketball season we cheer for the Hoosiers.  You could make it shorter by saying, "Indiana: Land of the Bandwagon Assholes!"  I guess being the boyhood of Lincoln is appropriate.  It was just the first time they bandwagoned I guess.

After returning from the "Land of the Bandwagon Assholes."  I start to work on the last row.  First board measured and cut.  Second board measured and cut.  When I go to put 2nd board into 1st board I notice 1st board has a small chip in the corner.  Not that bad, but in a high traffic part of the room.  Now, maybe others wouldn't notice, but I would.  And it would bug the shit out of me for eternity.  I mean, this is the guy who the day before unlocked 2 whole rows because he dropped his tape measure on a board which left a mark (I will not be recommending this brand).  So I proceed to recut board 1.  Which I fuck up.  So I cut board 1 again.  Which I fuck up.  So I cut it again.  Which I fuck up.  So I cut it one more time.  Which I fuck up one more time. 

I decide it's time for a break.  Fortunately there is a Dateline Mystery I can watch.  When it's time to get back to work I remember the fucking measurements of board 1 are 37.5 x 5.5.  I remember because I messed up 5 times before.  Thankfully I cut it correctly.  Onto board 3.  Which I fuck up. By this time my "Special Buy" saw is heating up and acting up again.  I remember I have a jigsaw I had borrowed years ago and never returned to a friend (just an asshole this time, not a stubborn asshole).  Anyways, the jigsaw is difficult to use and I eventually go back to my "Special Buy" saw for the last board after I fuck up the first attempt at the last board.

The last row having taken an embarrassing amount of time, 2-3 hours, I decide I am going to hold off on the quarter round because I am yet again sweaty and gross.  I figure the transitions will be an easy note to end on.  Wrong!  Wrong!  Wrong!

Which leads to quitting time at 6 pm-ish.  Even though I could potentially go another couple of hours.  But I decide I am going to eat some of the 2/3 remaining of the potential 1/2 gallon of ice cream I bought yesterday.  Which was soft serve, but after being in the freezer and sitting out 10 minutes is pretty much hard-serve.  Who cares though.  I end up pigging out on the rest of it.  Which is how I ended up with some sort of freezer burn on my tongue.  You know, the thing I started this blog about, but have taken forever and eternity to get to.  

To be fair, I was inspired by the pilot episode of "Breaking Bad" where it opens up with Walter White making the near death video.  Only you don't find out how he got there until the very end.  Speaking of "Breaking Bad," I bet making meth would've been easier than my flooring project.

Also, I am left with having to put up quarter round and 2 transitions.  Which will probably have unforeseen stresses and take the remaining of my vacation in which I had hoped to golf a bunch.  Also, I have decided that I am going to keep carpet in the hallway for now and do that in the future (probably never, or in a couple of years like most of my resolutions).  If only I had "MORE POWER" to finish the job.  Willpower that is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQwYNca4iog

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

August Reader Mailbag

In honor of the edition of one of my "Reader Mailbag" blogs, here is perhaps a little-known fact relating to mail.  You know the kind that is going obsolete (which I'm okay with) that uses envelopes and stamps.

Did you know that there used to be an unofficial mascot of the USPS?  It was a dog named Owney that died in Toledo, OH.  Mail carriers were so sad that they had him preserved and stuffed and is now on display in the Smithsonian.   Creepy.

Speaking of creepy:

Why do some people think it is cool to talk about themselves in the 3rd person?  K in Ayersville, OH

Great question!  Tim thinks that people do this because they need to draw attention to themselves.  Which probably means they have low self esteem or something.  Tim also is willing to bet there is at least one other person in these annoying, self-promoters life circle that thinks it is hilarious when that person does it.  Thus, reenforcing the ill begotten habit.  Tim is glad he would never do such a thing unless it was to mock someone who actually does it. 

Do people actually use the word password as their password?  Ned, Sarasota, Fl

Apparently.  But don't expect me to feel bad for them when their stuff gets hacked.  It's there own fault for having a lack of creativity.  Which is a huge problem in the world.  And by huge problem, I mean, not-really-because-there-are-many-many-many-bigger-world-problems.  But for creative purposes, let's pretend a lack of creativity is a big deal. 

Say there is this dry erase board at a local gym.  Also say the people in charge there each month come up with a motif or theme for people to respond with.   Lastly, lets say that the usual top 2 responses are: something about how awesome yoga pants are, and things some egomaniacs put up about themselves.  Now I am definitely not dissing yoga pants.  Yoga pants are fucking amazing.  I have never worn them myself, but I like looking at them.  I just believe that it would be cool to see something funny up there because it should be accepted plain as day that yoga pants are awesome.  That's right up there with the world is flat and that  sequals suck.  All 3 of those are common knowledge.

Which leaves us with egomaniac self-congratulatory comments.  These just make me roll my eyes.  Because I know these are probably the same people that talk in the 3rd person.

But back to passwords!  The best thing I ever heard was to pick a sentence or lyric and use the first letters of each word in said sentence or lyric.  Maybe add a # to it somewhere.  So obviously my password is ysb$ysb$wysm.

Tic toc, tic toc Tim!  What's that sound?  The sound of the countdown to football season!  Are you ready to lose some money gambling?  Tim's bookie (who shall be anonymous for obvious reasons), location also obviously unavailable.

Hell yeah!  But I am more excited by the fact that football season means that when I work every other weekend that there will be a window of time each weekend day where less of the general public will be trying to be fix-it-uppers.  Especially on Saturdays when Ohio State is playing.  I am an OSU fan and all, but I am so glad to not have to see many of them for 3 or 4 hours.  Most OSU fans are annoying.  That's why I don't let them know I am one of them.  Because I am not one of them.  The only downside to this window of less general public is the windows of more general public before and after the games.  Worse after the games because then it is drunk football fans trying to fix shit up.  At least I smile with the thought that maybe they will try to use their new hammer while drunk.  That's entertaining.

Do you ever notice patterns in life?  Like, I'm talking "The Matrix"-like patterns?  Levi, Seattle, WA

Let me preface this by saying, I don't watch movies very often so I can't say for sure if I see Matrix-like patterns.  The only thing I know about "The Matrix" is something about Keanu Reeves "acts" as a character named Neo or Nemo.  And there are lots of the numbers 0 and 1.  But there is one pattern I notice in life.  Besides my dumb behavioral patterns and choices, that is.  For instance, when I am on a forklift and sounding the horn for other people's "safety."  I mean, other than the times when I just do it incessantly in order to blow off steam and annoy people because I myself am annoyed and can't use cuss words (see, I guess this is a behavioral pattern).  During the times I am sounding the horn under a normal pretense I used to notice I would always beep the horn in the same pattern.  Which I discovered one day was to a song.  Not R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)" but maybe I will from now on!  It has always been to the song "Smoke on the Water."  I have no idea why either.  It's not like listen to it religiously.  I like the song, but have no idea why when operating a forklift and beeping for the safety of others it is always to "Smoke on the Water."  If anyone else can find a correlation for me that would be awesome.

Why do you hate garage sales so much?  William, Beaverton, West Virginia

1)  Because the name is stupid.  People aren't selling their garages.  Yards either

2)  Because way too many people think they are going to find something priceless and make money off of it.  It happens very rarely.

3) Because I don't want to buy most of anybody else's used anything.  Except golf balls.  So when I shank a million of them into the woods, water hazards, or rough at St. Mike's that I won't feel as bad.

4) Because what if garage sale items are haunted.  Or cursed.  I don't need any help in curses.

5) Because I don't know where people's dirty money has been that they are using to sell their dirty stuff.

6) Because if there is a Lemonade stand at a garage sale, how am I not going to say yes to some?

7) Because it is so much easier to put a pile of stuff in your garage or yard and make a sign that says free.

Is brainwashing ever acceptable?  Kassie, Hershey, PN

The only time I would say brainwashing could be deemed acceptable is possibly when hiring people to be exterminators.  Think about it.  I'm sure that takes some getting used to.  Unless part of the vetting and application process includes questions that specifically hope to point out all those creepy people who enjoy pests a little too much.  On a related note, I wonder how many unsolved mysteries could be solved by looking into exterminators.  They are easily able to case someone's home. And, they are probably creepy and messed up to begin with.

Here's a question nobody in the world is pondering?  What about the crackers in the Cheez-It commercials?  All they ever focus on is the cheese!  Barney, Rutland City, Vermont

It's very true that these commercials slight the cracker.  You only see a talking block of cheese being tested to see whether it is mature enough to become a Cheez-It.  Does this mean it is assumed that all crackers are automatically mature enough to join in unison to become a Cheez-It?  Is there a specific formula for deterining this?  Is there a learned ideal that blocks of cheese and crackers learn as they grow up?  What if a block of cheese takes a while to mature enough to become a Cheez-It and by the time it is ready, all the good crackers are taken.  Should it just settle for any old cracker?  What if a cracker is about to become a Cheez-It with another block of cheese, should it fight the block of cheese for the right to become a Cheez-It with the cracker it thinks is most worth it?  Should we start a petition to Cheez-It headquarters?  Hopefully it isn't located in Wisconsin.  Is anyone else hungry now?

In the last Reader Mailbag you did you praised "Orphan Black."  Got any other suggestions?

Hmm.  Summer TV tends to suck.  Even baseball, which I love, is slow as hell to watch.  So I have been reading more.  But I do love me some "American Ninja Warrior."  Way better than that stupid "Wipeout."  Actual athletes, not some cartoonish lets-make-fun-of-these-people type antics.  The best parts are that the competitors cheer for one another and that people from all walks of life attempt it.  Athletes with diabetes and slight autisim.  People from different types of jobs like farmers to computer geeks.  Granted they are all in outstanding shape.  The best part so far this year has been the gymnast woman who is shattering the record books, the 47 year old legend competitor, and the coming out of nowhere first time competitors.  If I wasn't such a klutz, I would change my workout regiman around and do it.  But we are talking about the guy who finds inventive ways to injure himself.  I'll just watch in awe instead.

The End.  Off to plan my trip to the Smithsonian to visit Owney.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Lyrical Mysteries 3

FYI, you may think I pick songs I hate.  Nah, I only hate about 5% of the songs I pick for these.  But anyways, like Bon Jovi, "Lyrical Mysteries" will be there for you.

Only. . . .the part about these five words being true ("I'll Be There For You") are technically six words if you consider that I'll is a contraction of I and will.  Just saying, when I sing along I say "these SIX words are true." 

I could probably spend a whole blog trying to uncover the what the anything but that is in Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"  Things I wouldn't do for love:

Cheer for Notre Dame, the Dallas Cowboys, the Cleveland Indians, the Washington Football team (won't say the R-word), watch "Twilight," hang out with "Psycho," Those are just the top 6 examples.

What is "love's suicide" in Edwin McCain's "I'll Be?"  Sounds delightful. . .

So, I know what sounds "Werewolves In London" make, but what about werewolves in Calgary, Canada?  Or Des Moines, Iowa?

"She Talks to Angels"  She'll tell you she's an orphan, after you meet her family.  Sounds like SO my type. 

I think from now on there will be at least one Temptations song because I pretty much like all of them.  I can't not watch "The Temptations" movie when I come across it on VH1.  "I Wish It Would Rain" is this Lyrical Mysteries obligatory Temptations nod.  I guess if you hate the rain then one would hate this song.  I love the rain. 

1.)  It means cooler temperatures in the summer.

2.)  It means less guests SB$.

3.)  It smells awesome!

4.)  Most people hate it.  Therefore, I must like it.

True story, I once used the rain to take a shower.  Just went outside with a bar of soap and let the down pouring summer rain keep overflowing from the eave spouting.  This is one of my top 3 showers ever.

My favorite lyric from "Payphone" is "all those fairy tales are full of shit."  People who chase fairy tales are bound to miss out on the point of life, whatever that is.  Also, one day, will people who hear that song wonder what the fuck a payphone is?

What if the person you are trying to communicate is incapable of verbal communication?  If they, don't "Say Something" would you still give up on them?  Does say something imply verbal communication?  What about written communication?  Or smoke signals?

If I have "one less problem without you" should it be implied that I have many more problems?  I guess if I only had one more problem then the song would be "no more problems without you."  And if I have remaining problems, are they bigger or smaller than you?  Please clarify this for me Ariana Grande.

"Hang on Sloopy." O! Was this song actually based on someone with that name? H!  If so, how much did that person's parents hate them? I!  Or was it a common name when the song was written? O! 

Alanis Morissette advises, "You Live, You Learn."  No shit!  I bet that was SUCH a hard song to write.  Let me try:

You gamble, you learn

You drink, you learn

You limp, you learn

You leave knives blade up in strainer, you learn.

Now Alanis can go all R Kelly and relase 5 million versions of this song.

If you're so fancy, and everyone already knows, why are you singing about it?

I'm not sure how many words were in this blog, but all these words too are true, including any contractions.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Why My Brain Hurts

I THINK that I wrote most of this blog in March but didn't like the structure or flow I had to it so I'm glad I finally found a way to piece it together that makes me not judge it harshly.

I THINK a lot about the thing that inspired this blog.  That being the article I read somewhere where the average person has 50,000 THOUGHTS a day.  Let that settle.  Over 2000 an hour.

I THINK that this next statement could be considered narcissistic:  I believe I have well over 50,000 THOUGHTS a day.  Most of them involve Darwin-like THOUGHTS about survival and adaptation. The biggest problem is not that I have more than 50,000 THOUGHTS a day.  It's that roughly 66.6% of them happen as I am trying to go to sleep.

I THINK I truly believe Green Day's song "Brain Stew" was written about me. 

I also THINK the other song that was written about me is obviously "Whatta Man" by Salt N Pepa featuring En Vogue.

The thing I THOUGHT about in March was  how stupid Daylight Savings Time is.  We are not an agriculturally-based society anymore.  Stop fucking with the time twice a year.  DST also makes me hate people who don't ever have to work on the Sunday the change takes affect.  I read that the Monday after time change is one of the least productive days in the year because everyone is grumpy.  Well, it would be worse if everyone affected by the time change worked on the Monday after.  So I guess it's a good thing those Sunday workers are surrounded by more people and they get their grumpiness out of their system earlier.

When I drive I am always THINKING about the massive herds of the deer mafia along State Route 18.  Often I can look into a field and see 20 to 30 of them during the hours of daylight they are out.  I also see their beady eyes at night.  Lastly, I have seen at least 10 dead assassins along the side of the road in the last 2 weeks (Back in March).  So, if Vegas were putting odds on how Tim could die, I am pretty sure it would be 1 to 9 on assassination by deer (that means if one were to bet $2 on death by deer that they would get paid  $2.20.  only a profit of 20 cents.  That's how likely I believe this to be.

I THINK most of the THOUGHTS I have are due to coming up with pros and cons for a potential decision.  This is where the majority of the 66.6% from above come into play.  I am beginning to THINK there is no point of making pros and cons because some items are weighted more heavily than others.  Usually the weighted items are the ones that are what I subconsciously put in the column for what I WANT to do.  Regardless if TCFABT (The Council For A Better Tim) have advised me against it.  The bigger the decision, the longer it takes to make a decision.  I THINK this might be called over-analyzing.

I THINK the other bad THINKING habit I have is second guessing (a cousin of over-analyzing).  Of which, I am also a professional at.  Or maybe not.  Maybe it is more like quadruple guessing.  Which is second guessing squared. 

The thing I THINK I am obsessed with currently is golf.  I fucking love golf!  Even though I have never birdied a hole, only a few times shot par on a hole, and consider a bogey as progress.  I THINK I hate the pitching wedge the most.  But I THINK me making a homemade golf practice hitting net will help.

Everytime I am searching for something to watch on TV and I run across "How I Met Your Mother," I ANGRILY THINK how the last 5 minutes of the last episode completely ruined any desire to watch reruns of the show.  This is much more egregious than the end of "Dexter" because the whole last season of "Dexter" was a shit show.  The last season of "HIMYM" was enjoyable.  If you ever watch this show, stop watching HIMYM as soon as you see the "older" version of Ted Mosby in the last episode.  This will be the point where you see his kids that he has been telling the story to as well.  Just don't watch past this point!

I trepidly THINK that my next blog will probably be a Lyrical Mysteries 3 blog.  I THINK that is scary because I THINK I should probably catalog which songs I have touched upon so I don't repeat one.

Speaking of music, I THINK Weird Al's "Word Crimes" is fucking amazing!  It also made me realize that even though I never bought his music or anything like that, that we share a mocking sensibility.

I THINK. . . .the 26th use of a version of the main theme of this blog means. . . . THE END.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

It's baaaccckkkk. Reader Mailbag

Where has the Reader Mailbag been?  I have missed it.  Specifically mocking it behind your back.  Delphine, Minneappolis, MN

It was on hiatus but don't fret, it is back to be mocked.  I aim to please.

Seriously, what's the deal with no reader mailbag for quite some time?  I have had to pass the time watching reality TV shows.  Which reminds me, would you ever do a reality TV show?  Felix, Toronto, Canada.

If I did do a reality TV show, I am sure it would be way bigger than Jersey Shore.  Because I make lots of dumb decisions.  I also seem to find lots of dramatic situations the camera would love.  Also, the camera would love how debonaire I am.  I also think I would have devastatingly funny self-commentary. 

The only problem is I could absolutely not handle cameras being in my face all the time.  You are talking about a guy who noticeably on purpose steps back a step when interacting with strangers that have no sense of personal space.  Usually because they also have no sense of how to shower or brush their teeth or cover their mouth when coughing.  Then there is the fact that the producers of the show would want me to express my feelings and stuff.  I don't think I am ready to be that vulnerable to the billions and billions of people who would be watching this awesome show.

Then there is the fame aspect.  I would probably murder all of the paparazzi.  That's the only part of fame that would bother me because obviously I wouldn't let it go to my head.  I wouldn't forget about all the little people.

Why do people suck at driving so much?  Sarah, Boise, ID

You are giving people to much credit for being smart enough.  Which brings me to my top 2 driving pet peeves.  The first is when turning left that people don't turn into the left most lane of the direction the are turning into.  Say you are turning into a road where there are 2 lanes in the direction you will be driving.  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TURN INTO THE LEFT MOST LANE!

The other pet peeve is when you are on a regular road, 2 lanes, each lane going a different direction.   And when the car in front of you is turning left.  When there is no oncoming traffic in the opposite lane, why not move over into that lane as you are turning left that way the traffic behind you doesn't have to slow down as much.  Am I the only one who sees this as polite?

What is the greatest TV theme song of all time?  Cosima, Deluth, MN

And the nominees are:  the Justified theme, the Step by Step theme, the Breaking Bad theme, The Golden Girls theme, The Growing Pains Theme, The Big Bang Theory Theme, The Full House Theme, The Where in the World is Carmen San Diego theme, and The Wire theme.

The winner is. . . . The Where in the World is Carmen San Diego theme because it is the most obscure of the nominees AND because of Rockapella.  If you dislike Rockapella you are dead to me.  Do it Rockapella!  Also, Where in the World is Carmen San Diego makes me think of how awesome I was at that computer game in the 4th grade.  And how the teacher gave me the secret password to play the game on the computer and I think got mad at me ones for using it and/or telling another student.  I am probably going to try and find that game on the web as soon as I am done answering all my reader's questions.

I am bored with the current selection of shows on TV, since you have such awesome taste in everything, what do you suggest?  Allison, Spokane, WA

"Orphan Black."  On BBC America.  If you watch the first 10 minutes of the first episode you will be hooked.  And those who might say I only say this because the lead actress is stunning, you would be wrong.  Not that she's not stunning, because she absolutely is.  But she is actually an amazing actress.  Just watch the "Helena and Sarah" road trip scenes.  AMAZINGLY funny.  I say this even though the last episode was kind of weird.  But still, not everything can be as perfect as me.

AAARRGGGHHH!  Help me get "Let It Go" from Frozen out of my head!!!  Paul, Peoria, IL

Try listening to my current top 3 songs:  "Talk Dirty To Me" by Jason Derulo, "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire, or "Sleeping With a Friend" by Neon Trees.  Also known as. . . songs you will never hear while SB$.

Have there been no reader mailbag blogs recently because you have been on a gambling binge?  Rachel, Atlantic City, NJ

Actually. . . no.  Even though I am kind of obsessed with 3 Card Poker right now.  Only been to a casino once since my vacation in February (where my heart was broken aka blog callback.  Is it weird that I reference past blogs?  Is it narcissistic?).  In fact, June - August are typically peak casino visiting months for Tim.  But I avoided the strong urge to go to one this weekend.  I bet you would've lost money betting on that.

Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's all folks.

[thebipolar-ishblogoftim]

Fear and Planning in Sherwood

Is it even acceptable that the title of this mimics "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?"  I question this just because I have neither read the book nor watched the movie.

Regardless, I have come to the conclusion that fear and planning are like yin and yang.  You can't have one without the other.  Or that you have one because of the other.  Or that you have one without regard to the other.  Regardless, I feel fear and planning are linked somehow, even if I am not metaphoring appropriately.

It seems the main reason to plan for something is to prepare for the unknown, which everyone fears on some level.  You plan for a vacation because you fear getting lost or missing a flight.  You plan and prepare for giving a Best Man's Speech at a wedding reception because you fear looking stupid.  You plan which car to buy because you fear buying a lemon.  And so on and so forth.  There are countless examples of planning due to fear of something.

My problem with this is related to the saying "God laughs at the plans you make."  Not sure if that's the quote as I exactly heard it, but you get the idea.  While not being a really religious person myself, I totally concur with the statement.  In fact, I believe anytime I have ever planned, there has been lots of laughter at my foolishness for planning.  Maybe by God, or anyone involved with my plan, or even me laughing at myself after yet another failed plan.  Maybe there are people who plan constantly and their plans more often go according to plan.  Maybe I just suck at planning.

This isn't to say I am hating on all planning.  I mean school is one big planning jam session for one's future.  I still approve of school even though I didn't develop the networking skills to apply my education to what I was planning on going to school for.  That's due more to my poor social skills.  Not that I don't have social skills, probably more like I am very, very, very, selective of when I bring them out.  Finances definitely require some planning. 

Those are about the only 2 planning areas I do well in.  Even though I have a year old blog on how there is no such thing as The Perfect Time, I still haven't overcome planning some things centered on finding TPT.  Like if I had something important to say or do I probably wouldn't plan on doing it in the morning.  But if I plan it on a non-morning I would bet there would always be something unexpected that comes up causing me to delay my plan.  Which is stupid, because often times the regret of not doing something is so much worse than the fear of failure.

Which is funny since most of my awesome memories are always from things that were unplanned.  Spur of the moment adventures.  Or detours taken during planned adventures.  Like walking from Pierre's to the hotel at 3 in the morning along with the rest of the members of the infamous double bachelor party.  I always smile at that one.

Another facet to planning I loathe is the general life script that most everyone is force fed as they grow up.  Thinking everything happens in a certain order, at a certain time, with all those supposed qualifications and checks on the checklist for the normal life.  THAT is what is bullshit.  I wonder how many times that trying to stick to this general script has deterred awesome things from happening.  I guess it goes back to how much fear takes control. 

The last thing I absolutely can not stand about plans and planning is having a "back up plan."  These are the worst ideas ever.  If you have a back up plan then you are doing disservice to the current plan.  And most likely if the current plan needs a back up plan isn't it most likely the current plan shouldn't be used?  What if something happens along the way to the back up plan.  Like it expires or is no longer useable?  Like if Twinkies are your back up plan for a food shortage because they never expire.  What if your super-secret Twinkie storage place gets robbed or set on fire.  On a side note, which is better?  To have your Twinkies stolen so that somebody gets to enjoy them or to have them burn up so nobody but you can enjoy them.   I guess I just dropped one of those chicken or egg debates.

So I guess the best I can do is to try and plan as little as possible, but if I must plan something to expect the spontaneous to happen.   That way God's laugh will be a little less hearty.