the-piltover-times

[the-piltover-times]

“Here are the top four most popular posts on our archive this past week! There... appears to be a trend here, doesn’t there. Damnit, Maxime, this is supposed to be a reputable news source, not a tabloid! No, don’t put that in the commentary!”

- Tucker O’Malley, Piltover Times President

[the-piltover-times]

We bring you this breaking story tonight - Councilor Jayce Talis spotted at gay bar with assistant Viktor! Enforcer Vi comments below!

[the-piltover-times]

Top Story: Confusion Over the Many Tobiases of Piltover

Our top story this evening comes from the events of a hectic chase through the city streets, with our very own Sheriff Caitlyn Kiramman hot on the trail of the wanted criminals Malcolm Graves and Twisted Fate, pictured below (Note: If you encounter either of these men, contact the Enforcers immediately. Do not engage.)

 With help from her expertly-planted traps and fleet footwork, our Sheriff had Graves cornered, prepared to take him down to Stillwater or shoot if necessary. However, the outlaw’s next words of choice caught her off-guard: “Get ‘er, Tobias!”

Normally, such a cry would not have shaken Miss Kiramman, but insider reports from the Wardens’ office indicate that for the briefest of moments, Caitlyn feared that her own father, Tobias Kiramman, might somehow be in cahoots with the dastardly duo. Fortunately, that was not the case, and the name “Tobias” seemed to refer to Graves’s longterm partner Fate, who managed to trap the startled Sheriff long enough for both criminals to escape.

One of our Times reporters hunted down Twisted Fate himself over a game of cards and asked him to comment as to whether or not his name truly is “Tobias”. He allegedly replied that he abandoned that name long ago, and if anyone but Graves calls him that, they’re as good as dead - unfortunately, we are unable to corroborate this account at this time, since our reporter’s voice recorder was lost to Fate in a subsequent gambling match. The questions still stand: is Tobias some sort of pet name used by the infamous thief duo, perhaps with some secret meaning? Could Tobias Kiramman be related in some way after all? Keep up with the Times to find out more.

[the-piltover-times]

Breaking News: Zaunites are Short

Today, Piltover’s most reliable news source is here to inform you of our most recent revelation: that the ‘under’city is perhaps more aptly named than we’d come to realize. Indeed, we’ve gotten numerous reports from reliable sources that in comparison to Piltovans, our neighbors the Zaunites are coming up short in the most literal sense.

Upon interviewing our very own Sheriff Caitlyn Kiramman on the topic, she noted, “What? I suppose Vi is a head shorter than me - it’s quite cute actually - but you’d better not publish a piece about it or she’ll cause trouble.”

Some have theorized that the lack of proper sunlight in Zaun to blame for their stilted growth. When we presented this theory to top scientist and man of progress Jayce Talis, he broke into laughter, likely overjoyed that this case had been resolved, before replying: “Yeah, that’s probably it.” Copious amounts of Freljordian swearing was then heard from inside Talis forge.

With confirmation from the best of the best, our reporters took the news to the streets to gauge public opinion. Many Piltovans expressed pride in their heritage upon hearing the news. However, adventurer Ezreal Leasra, known accomplice of the infamous Firelights, simply asked one of our staff if we knew what a “short king” was. Our offices are currently investigating the matter and hope to write about it in a future article.