the-other-side-effects

[the-other-side-effects]

Look I am all fine and dandy about friendships ending and people growing apart but when I know it's from a misunderstanding/miscommunication I cannot let it go. Learning I'm probably autistic has made this 10 times worse cause now I know for almost certain something was misinterpreted but no one will actually tell me why they are upset. "You know what you did" I in fact do not which is why I'm fucking asking.

It's not Gaslight it's Rashomon

I think the wildest thing about my delayed processing is that I get to look back and realize things. Like 5+ years ago at this point I also talking to a friend at the time on the phone just like catching up. And was talking about concerts which I went to with an at the time mutual friend. But adhd brain then started talking about my cousin who also went to the concert abd how she had just been kicked out by her parents again. And here's where it gets fun. The friend then goes omg I didn't know that why didn't she tell me. And my dumbass just kinda went why would she have (like she does not know my cousin so i was confused 🤔) And I only now realize that she probably thought I was talking about the mutual friend. But I am no longer on speaking terms with them so I can't clarify and I probably just look like an asshole who made up rumors about this girl (who I really cared about) And I also just realized that when we all had our fight she was probably told this and thought I was making up shit about her 😭 fuck I hate my brain

[the-other-side-effects]

I think the wildest thing about my delayed processing is that I get to look back and realize things. Like 5+ years ago at this point I also talking to a friend at the time on the phone just like catching up. And was talking about concerts which I went to with an at the time mutual friend. But adhd brain then started talking about my cousin who also went to the concert abd how she had just been kicked out by her parents again. And here's where it gets fun. The friend then goes omg I didn't know that why didn't she tell me. And my dumbass just kinda went why would she have (like she does not know my cousin so i was confused 🤔) And I only now realize that she probably thought I was talking about the mutual friend. But I am no longer on speaking terms with them so I can't clarify and I probably just look like an asshole who made up rumors about this girl (who I really cared about) And I also just realized that when we all had our fight she was probably told this and thought I was making up shit about her 😭 fuck I hate my brain

[the-other-side-effects]

before I give up on someone, I try I really fucking try until there’s none in me no more

[the-other-side-effects]

My heart has always been a revolving door. I will not force or fight any one to stay in my life but I sure as hell will gladly welcome them back.

[the-other-side-effects]

On second thought forget it you hypocritical bitch

[the-other-side-effects]

I could sleep but I could also stay up all night crying about and overanalyzing everything I've ever said to someone who no longer wants to speak to me.

[the-other-side-effects]

8/28/23 1:26 a.m.

I know you're never coming back. I know this. I'm honestly not even sure if I want you to. I kept seeing signs that maybe you wanted to reconcile too but you've burnt all my olive branches.

The worst part is I still do not understand what happened. I know how fake and terrible that probably sounds but I actually don't understand. All I understand is that I am still confused and hurt.

I thought I was finally in a safe place. Where I didn't have to hold up the mask. Where I could relax and not have to pretend. Where if someone thought something was wrong it would be talked about right away and not left to build up into something bigger. Where people understood that I don't comprehend social cues and would be direct. But I guess I was wrong.

[the-other-side-effects]

I hate that I still remember your birthday.

[the-other-side-effects]

My side of the door will always be open when you are ready to unblock yours.

[the-other-side-effects]

You said you never wanted to speak to me again so why are you upset I haven't reached out with an apology? I can't read your mind.

[the-other-side-effects]

Your apology has been written and rewritten and rewritten and rewritten. You can come and get it when you're ready.

[the-other-side-effects]

I think I will spend the rest of my life confused about what happened between us.

[the-other-side-effects]

[the-other-side-effects]

getoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetputofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetputofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetputofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreamsgetoutofmydreams

[the-other-side-effects]

i dont give a fuck!!!!!!!

[the-other-side-effects]

I want to move on but my subconscious won't let me

[the-other-side-effects]

Of course I acted like everything was fine, the way you expressed your emotions was not enough. I am not at fault for you continuing to react in a way I did not comprehend. It wouldn't have gone on as long if you tried using a different tactic or were actually direct about it in the first place. You made me the bad guy because you needed someone else to blame for things going wrong.