Peter: And yeah thatâs pretty much how Iâm planning on telling MJ I like her
Steve: Itâs not badâ
Tony: Kid, it fuckin sucks.
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Peter: HAPPY, HELP ME
Peter: Someone showed up at the store I work at and is furiously asking a refund for the lawn mower they bought
Happy: And how do I help you with that?
Peter: It was Mr. Stark...
Happy: TONY YOU HIRE PEOPLE TO MOW YOUR LAWN WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED A LAWN MOWER??
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Bruce: Nat broke up with me
Steve: you did WHAT?
Bruce: Apparently, she met this guy online
Bruce: Hereâs the thing. That guy was me, catfishing her the whole time.
Peter: This sounds like the plot of the piña colada song by Rupert Holmes?
Nat: I THOUGHT WE WERENâT GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMOREâ
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Tony: According to scientists, our hair is the thinnest thing in the world. I bet I can make something to change that
Pepper: Well clearly, you havenât seen my patience after I started working for you.
Peter: OOh burn
Tony: *glares at Peter*
Peter: I apologize for the intrusion. Have a good day Mr. Stark and Ms. Potts
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Tony, texting: Do ducks have jackets?
Tony: Did muck save maggots?
Tony: Does fuck favor packet?
Tony: Never fucking mind
Pepper: What even...
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Peter: Iâm so sorry. Are you still mad?
MJ: 4 words, 16 letters and weâre even
Peter: Iâll buy you take-out?
MJ: Whatâre you waiting for? Get your ass up and fill my belly already.
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Bucky: I wasnât that drunk. I drove myself home.
Sam: Whoâs gonna tell him that I drove him home and he was steering a paper plate on the way back?
Bucky: I thought that was a dream!
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Steve: Are you ready, kids?
Morgan and Peter: Aye aye captain!
Steve: I canât hear youuuu!
Morgan and Peter: AYE AYEâ
Sam and Bucky: OOOOOHHH WHO LIVES IN A CRACK HOUSE AND SNORTS ECSTACY? CAPTAIN ROGERS!
Pepper: There are KIDS here
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Wanda: I swear to god, Clint yelled at me so much today
Pietro: Why?
Wanda: THIS IS YOUR FAULT BY THE WAY
Pietro: Tf did I doâ
Wanda: We were training and when he punched, I took a hit. Apparently, I âdidnât see it comingâ.
Pietro: *giggle fit*
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Natasha: *breathes*
Steve: . . .
Bucky: . . .
Sam: . . .
Bruce: Alexa, play âGod is a womanâ by Ariana Grande.
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Steve: Whatâre you two up to?
Peter: Oh, Mr. Stark was just gonna give me the birds and bees talk.
Steve: wait TONY NOT YET!
Tony: The hell do you mean? Whatâs wrong with talking about birds and bees?
Steve: Oh. *starts walking out*
Tony: So as you grow older, your body starts...wanting certain thingsâ
Steve: I SAID NO TONY!
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Bruce: Natasha?
Nat: Yes?
Bruce: I love you UwU
Nat: Ok.
Bruce: Youâre supposed to say it back.
Nat: Ok then. It back.
*three hours later*
Bruce, crying: AND WHEN I ASKED TO SAY IT BACK, SHE LITERALLY SAID IT BACK!
Clint: You shouldâve been more specific.
Bruce: WHOâS SIDE ARE YOU ON BITCH?
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Peter: *in a large bowl of berries* Berry me!
Ned: Peter, youâre already berried. How many more do you want?
MJ: If you donât get out of there, I WILL actually bury you.
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Clint: Nat, do you wanna build a snowman?
Nat: No
Clint: *puppy dog eyes* it doesnât have to be a snowman
Nat: GO AWAY CLINT!
Clint: okay byee....
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Tony: Kid, youâre an Avenger
Peter: Avenge her? But I donât even know who she is!
Tony: . . .
Tony: You know I can always take someone else onâ
Peter: Thank you for providing me with such an opportunity and I will be eternally grateful.
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Wanda, drunk: I donât think I can sleep just yet. Kinda scared of the monsters under the bed.
Vision: The space under your bed doesnât seem all that big so maybe the monster isnât that big.
Wanda: Oh my god that means itâs a baby monster.
Vision: So youâll have to raise. Guide it to become a good monster and make you proud.
Wanda: Youâre right! Iâll be off now.
Steve: How the hellâd you do that?
Vision: Iâm a natural, sir.
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Bruce: I donât have a taser for a reason. If I did I would most likely taser myself.
Vision: Please donât taser yourself. If you do, your muscles will lock up and youâll keep tasing yourself which will potentially lead to heart failure.
Bruce: Your point being?
Vision: You wonât be able to taser yourself ever again. So if you do, have a friend or responsible adult by your side. Like me!
Bruce: That sounds great! Alright you wanna do it now?
Vision: As you wish.
Tony: *watching from the side* The fuck just happened?
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