the-engine-that-could

[the-engine-that-could]

Too much information noise. Got tired. Have a headache. The good news is that I got my tooth extracted; the bad news is that I'm in the recovery process. Oh well. I don't know what I'm trying to say but the point is that I'm sleepy, tired and don't know when I become better. About information pollution. I can't handle social media anymore, also Reddit. I read for 30 minutes and then I don't have any energy to continue. Want to unfollow half of the people.

[the-engine-that-could]

I begin to accept a thought about moving to German. I prefer the Netherlands but It's too expensive to live here. Plus I don't like territories near water. I don't know how to feel about that yet. I know something about Berlin and I have mixed feelings about this city. But who knows. There is always a possibility that I choose another country.

[the-engine-that-could]

 I realized that I couldn't describe my cat's name. His name has a double meaning; the first one is a plant called burdock, but the second meaning is the trickier one. I haven't found a translation I like; it can be translated as "a fool", but I personally don't think that is exactly correct.

[the-engine-that-could]

So, I've noticed that work is not my priority anymore. It feels strange and quite unusual. I was focusing on the work really hard and now care more about my safety and finances.

Anyway, it has an interesting effect. I can actually study during my work hours. Like I thought, I needed to quit my job but not anymore.

It feels good, and I hope it continues this way.

[the-engine-that-could]

It's harder for me to process social media from my home country. Not because something wrong or good happening. I simply can't relate. It feels strange; worst, I don't know what to do. I can safely unfollow 70% of accounts

I don't have a home right now. The country I'm currently living in is a temporary home. I like it a lot, and I feel safe here. I hope I find my home someday.

In Russian, I'd never felt belonged. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I need to search harder.

[the-engine-that-could]

Feel like shit. I overslept (did I?). I'm trying to put myself together.

My cats are annoying. They usually wake up around 5 a.m. I try to ignore them but it's not always possible.

I'm searching for a tutor again. I decided to try one site and it already disappointed me. Their algorithm gave me someone very inexperienced and is more suited for children. And the lack of experience is not the worst part. Her specialization isn't suited to my goals. Maybe I'll just take they speaking classes.

[the-engine-that-could]

I comforted person for the first time yesterday. Usually I'm the one who needs help. So it feels very unusual. Damn, I'm tired again. I need to go to the gym and I just can't. So many things to do and so little time. I want to lay down and sleep for one hour or two. Maybe I should. Very unsatisfied with my life now. I force myself to write a note because I need to. I need to check all boxes and then, maybe, I allow to relax so the time never comes.

I think I lost focus 6 months ago and can't collect myself.

[the-engine-that-could]

I glad that the work week is over. Going to a friend today. Want to reach 20k steps. The weather seems good. Not too hot and not too sunny.

Cockroaches come back! That's awful. I watched a couple of videos about how to get rid of them. It seems that I need to isolate all gaps in my apartment, which it is a huge amount of work. I need some glue, a mosquito net and silicone sealant. I've spent so much money this month trying to fix stuff. And it's never ending. I'm glad that I in a good shape financially, so I'm not that worried. Still, it's annoying.

[the-engine-that-could]

I've been reading a book lately. It's called "Edie: American Girl". It's about Edie Sedgwick, who was a Wrhol's 'Superstar'. I still on the pages about her ancestors. I don't like the protestants culture, to be honest. I find it rather boring and I look forward to the juicy parts about Edie.

When I was 15-16 years old I consume a lot of media about Andy Warhol's Factory. It was my introduction to the world of punk, fashion and alternative scene. It shaped me. Edie seems to me as a not particularly interesting person. Although she certainly was a trendsetter. Maybe the book will change my mind.

[the-engine-that-could]

I expected to see cold, dead bodies at my kitchen this morning, and saw nothing. On the other hand, I didn't see alive creatures too. So it's a win, I guess.

I feel much better today. The lack of work, it's definitely helping. I hope it continues.

My cat seems to recover. He got sick almost month ago. Unfortunately he doesn't like his diet and eats much less than usual. He steals food from my other cat all the time. But other than that he seems fine. I don't know how old he is, so I say to everyone that he is around six years old. I suspect he actually 2 years older.

[the-engine-that-could]

I don't want to begin my post talking how I'm tired AGAIN. I have a headache, I feel heavy. Usually, I go to the gym or for a walk in the morning. But today I would rather take a nap. Yesterday I was trying to not complain, well it didn't work. I think it's impossible to be burned out and don't hate every single thing around you.

Anyway, today I'm going to start fighting with cockroaches. I've only seen three this week, but I know it's only beginning. I ordered a very effective cockroach repellent. Also, I'm in the process of cleaning out my kitchen.

[the-engine-that-could]

I canceled my English lessons with a tutor. It feels great. I didn't like them. The tutor and i didn't have chemistry. But because last 6 months have been exhausting, i didn't have a energy to finish with that.

It was very unproductive, in the first couple of months i learned a little but that's it. And i hated the way she taught. She never gave me homework and we didn't do writing exercises.

I'm not going to continue my lessons with other tutors. I take a rest. I'll do my daily exercises. Maybe i'll sign out for a weekly speak practice.

[the-engine-that-could]

So i made a goal to write a 100 essay (or a piece of text) every day. I hope it will help me with writing. I would try to come up with different stories. Maybe i would rewrite a story i read or something. Like yesterday everyone discussed a death of one famous person's daughter in a car crash. Some people were very angry and some were judgemental. Personally, i couldn't care less. I don't care about that person and especially about his daughter.

I mean there some people, which death, i wouldn't celebrate, but i'll feel relief. I'm very judgemental person to be honest, I have a high ground and i suffer every day. I wish i was more easy going. But i'm not sure it's possible. But what i'm trying to say, i understand why some people are celebrating.

I do wish that world wouldn't be so black and white oriental. But it's easier to navigate this way.

[the-engine-that-could]

I'm responsible for my lack of progress. Why i'm always choice, such a lonely path in my life. I wish i could write and talk to people with an ease but instead i struggle. I'm always being an introvert but not a social anxiety.

[the-engine-that-could]

I must study English, but I'm too tired. Also, I have a social anxiety which doesn't help

[the-engine-that-could]

I'm going to a girl-night with a girl tomorrow. I met her through my old-friend whom I don't really like. Originally, i invited her to a brunch, but because summer she goes to summer house every weekend she couldn't come. That is unfortunate, but it's her choice. I find this girl very interesting, so i'm looking forward to the meeting.

I really disappointed that i'm still checking gossip sites. I think about it as my main flaw.

[the-engine-that-could]

I want to plan a 12-weeks sprint. I want to improve my output English skills. Become a better programmer. I don't know. I'm in depressed state right now.