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[the-davos-den]

I ended up inviting a coworker and a friend of mine to go see a movie and to chat a bit about Diane. It kinda ended up being more me blabbering on to him and him listening, but it was still nice. Plus the movie, Ant Man 3, was fairly enjoyable.

I think just having someone to talk about this stuff with will be helpful overall, even if it doesn’t quite feel it right away

[the-davos-den]

WELL, that didn’t end up happening. Didn’t say a word to her. Maybe I never will. I don’t know.

[the-davos-den]

While I have no concrete proof of it, I’m fairly certain that Diane doesn’t like me. Like, at all. Like, if she never had to interact with me, she never would. Obviously she’s allowed to, not everyone has to like everyone, but it still sucks. I’ve been in my room basically all day thinking about it. I only left to shower and brush my teeth. I haven’t eaten all day and I don’t expect to. Right at this second im basically just alternating between lying down motionless and crying into my pillow. Maybe I won’t eat anything tomorrow. This feels so bad but I can’t talk about it with anyone, because everyone I know has worse stuff going on (probably), so complaining about this would just make me feel worse. On Monday I’m gonna apologize to her and tell her I’m leaving her alone. She doesn’t deserve to have me as a negative aura/influence in her life. I should just die in a ditch or something so I can stop being everyone’s problem

[the-davos-den]

Been a bit since last update. I think I’ve been doing better with the whole panic attack thing, however basically each day I do seem to go back and forth on whether Diane has any interest in me. Last Saturday, she and I were at work putting in a bit of extra time. I got to see her without her whole makeup routine, and I legit think it made me like her more. Like, her natural face is a little pimple-y and maybe a tiny bit dimple-y, but just being able to see that felt like I got to know her a bit better. Maybe I can look to do something with her this weekend. Idk. Each day I have to work on getting to know her and endearing myself to her. At least until she tells me she’s already dating someone or whatever

[the-davos-den]

All it takes is one sentence to ruin your day. Literally just a couple of words. That’s how cruel the intrusive thoughts are. Today, I accidentally startled Diane … twice … and she kinda gave me this brutal glare. Not only that, but I saw her talking with various other people and chuckling and laughing at whatever they were talking about. A lot of that happened some amount of time after the startling, and then the thought entered my mind. Just a simple sentence, “you don’t make her smile”. That however was like daggers, because that’s what I want to do. I want to be someone who can and does make her smile. She has a very pretty smile, and I want to be THE person to do that for her. But that thought raced through my head on repeat and I was basically paralyzed. That plus the paranoid thought that she has not stopped liking me less since last year, and it almost seems like I can track it. It’s not fun.

[the-davos-den]

Oh by the way I’m maybe battling a pornography addiction? I say maybe because I have no idea if an expert would diagnose my relationship with it as an “addiction”, however I am currently porn free for 21 full days. I really hope this helps me with the whole relationship thing. Maybe it’s why I had those panic attacks. I have cut down on masturbation pretty significantly. Like, I averaged like once a day or more before, and now I’m down to like once a week. Not saying it’s bad, but I’m fairly certain I would feel a lot better if it was a woman making me cum instead of myself. Sorry this got nsfw real fast lmao but no one reads this anyway so I can say whatever I want

[the-davos-den]

I was really hoping to chat with Diane yesterday (1/20) about weekend plans and things but it never happened. That means my mind gets to spend the whole weekend racing with all the possibilities of what she could be doing.

Going to see Joe Pera last night was great. Very funny. Great to be in a whole room where everyone knows who he is. Also, got to hear him swear like a sailor. Bananas. Great stuff.

BUT, literally the entire 75 minute drive back was me being paranoid. Gotta love it.

Today, 1/21, I took a nice walk around town in literal freezing weather. I’m really glad I did. I spend so much time at home playing video games so any opportunity to do something outside is one that I should take. Again, this is the year that I make changes. Even if they are small, it’s stuff I gotta do. Y’all know what they say every marathon begins with

[the-davos-den]

Well it turns out that just talking to Diane prevents these panic attacks. Crazy. Granted I did kinda blow off all the stuff I had to do just to do that, but still. Every day, just one tiny little conversation and maybe I can convince her that I am worth talking to. Yeah, look at me, begging for scraps and then celebrating when I get one iota of one. Y’all don’t know what it’s like to be a full blown loser like I am (oh wait this is tumblr of course y’all know lolololololol).

[the-davos-den]

Ok so if we couldn’t the beginning of Friday to now, Tuesday, I have had what amounts to two panic attacks across three workdays. I don’t think this is sustainable. I might need to have a chatarooski with someone.

Like, yesterday I had asked Diane something about what she did over the weekend and it felt like pulling teeth a bit. I mean, does the fact that I remembered what she said she was doing and showed interest in it mean nothing? Maybe it does. I need to find a way to have a conversation with her that isn’t work related or I might lose it. Hell, maybe I just need to watch a new movie and talk with her about it. Maybe she has absolutely no interest in getting to know me in any capacity. Who knows.

I really should have dated people after my 2013 breakup, because I clearly have no ability or skill set to talk to people I am interested in. I am a parasite on society. I’m fairly certain at this point that my iron will is only going to be strong enough to keep me from blowing my brains out and won’t help with preventing the panic attacks. I have to continue making changes.

[the-davos-den]

January 13th, 2023 was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I had, maybe for the first time ever, a full blown panic attack at work.

A bit of background. I live with my parents, and I’m nearly 30 years old. I have a job that I reasonably like. Short version is that I do engineering work. About a month and a half or so ago a new girl started working at my job. For the sake of anonymity, let’s call her Diane. Over the course of her starting out here I have gotten to know Diane a bit better and better, and I’m fairly certain that I have officially developed some kind of crush on her. We have some similar interests, and I don’t think she hates being around me yet, so good things all around lol.

Friday the 13th. I was having lunch in the lunch room, while Diane, another person, and a different engineer (let’s call him Jack). This other person was talking to Diane about her apartment, and so they and Jack were all talking about apartment stuff. I had nothing to add because I don’t live in an apartment. Eventually, the another person left and it was just Jack and Diane talking about their apartment struggles. To anyone else, this was innocent conversation. To me, it was some bizarro mirror/window. Because what I saw was a guy who is basically me but better in every conceivable manner (also likes relatively similar stuff to Diane, but is smarter, more attractive, living on his own, more physically fit, and on and on). All he would have to do is pursue her and I would be out. I don’t know the sexual orientations of either so it’s just as possible that neither of us have a chance or that I don’t actually have a competitor. This whole conversation lasted no more than like, 2-3 minutes, but it infected my head and wouldn’t leave. My lunch break was over so I had left and they were chatting still, but all of my shortcomings and insecurities were screaming in my head. I couldn’t stop it. I tried playing music through my headset and it wouldn’t stop.

I literally left my desk and walked to a relatively secluded room and hyperventilated. Probably not the best room to do that in with all of the wood and metal shavings from the various drill presses and laser cutters and whatnot lmao, but still. When I got back to my desk, I tried listening to the music again, I tried distracting myself with my phone, I even tried talking to people INCLUDING (separately) Jack and Diane, and none of it helped. Finally, the work day ended and I was able to go home. After having dinner with my parents and putting the dishes away, I went to my room.

I have this song that I listen to when I need to relax, Untitled by The Green Kingdom. I grabbed my gaming headset, and plugged in my new 3.5mm to Lightning converter, and my phone all together. I had gotten that converter because with my old one I was hearing this weird clicking sound in my headset in this configuration. When I went to play my song, I heard the clicking again (implying that it wasn’t that converter), and I completely lost it.

I started basically bawling in my room, saying “I just want to listen to my song” while I tried to find my earbuds. I got them and just started rocking in my chair. I tried holding onto my phone, but the screen kept turning on. I then grabbed my controller, but the plastic felt too hard. I finally grabbed my Metroid plushie, and held it tight. I spent the next like 20 or so minutes just crying, rocking in my chair, holding that plushie, and listening to my song on repeat. I couldn’t stop. I had to try to be quiet because I didn’t want my parents to see me like that. Eventually I got a bit calmer, and put on some tv that I knew I would enjoy. Then I was able to get into the scheduled video gaming that I had for that night, and things were getting a bit better. Despite feeling a bit better, I went to bed that night thinking that that was one of the worst days I have ever had.

Today, Saturday the 14th, I woke up to my alarm (I changed my alarm to wake me up every day so that I could try to maintain a better sleep cycle), and was still feeling bad from the day before. I was taking my morning shower, and the bad thoughts creeped in again. Telling me that I am worthless, telling me that I could never get a girl like Diane, telling me that I would legitimately benefit the world by just discontinuing my existence. But then, I got mad. I got furious. How dare I. “What right do I have to say I don’t deserve to continue living”. I thought about how I am in control. My will is iron. I will not let some chickenshit partition of my subconscious tell me that I am anything less than. I told myself that I will make it right. I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I deserve to live and that I WILL earn the right to be happy.

As of today, I am on mission. I have but one goal; to be the best possible me that I can achieve. Maybe that means I have to bury my old self six feet under, but I will not let these bad thoughts win. My will is iron. This blog will serve as my journal; a diary logging my journey to becoming who I need to be. Maybe it is too late for me to do that, but I have to try. I will survive. I will win.

[the-davos-den]

I created this blog initially as a pun. At the time, there was a song I was listening to by Skrillex called “The Devils Den”. Around the same time, I was also watching Game of Thrones, and Davos Seaworth was quickly becoming a favorite character of mine. The combination of the two gives its name. I never really knew what to do with it though. Mostly just wanted to have the name for the future. But now I know what I want to do with this.

This is neither going to be a GoT blog nor a Skrillex blog. If I ever talk about either of them it’ll be more coincidence than thematic.