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I’m working from home today and I’m really struggling to focus. I want to sleep. I wanna get high. I’m so bored.

I keep feeling like I have loads of motivation, but I can’t decide what to do, then I end up feeling useless and deflated.

Maybe writing it down would help? So here is a list of things I want to do:

-Learn to drive

-Write and record music

-Play at open mic nights

-Game with my best friend

-Game with my sister (different games)

-Game alone

-Read

-Volunteer with kids in care

-Cook foods from around the world

-Bake (perfect cookies specifically)

-Instruments (guitar, ukulele and harmonica)

-Study to be a statistician (from A Level or maybe GCSE?)

-Shower every day and complete skincare routine

-Start donating to food bank

-Start donating to animal shelter

-Give blood

-Go swimming

-Work out more

-Write a novel

-Write a series of kids books (self publish, illustration is an issue, learn to draw?)

-Paint

-Go to the cinema

-Test a card game and submit it for publishing

-Keep a tidy house

-Therapy

And like, I have a full time job, and spend 2-3 hours a day travelling - I get travel sick if I look down and read or something so I’m limited to what I can do while on the bus. But my head is spinning and I can’t pin down what I should focus on. I don’t have time to do it all but I really wish I could. I wish so much I was rich, I’d do so much.

[thatpotatoguuurl]

Wednesday drinking game

1. Someone dies

2. The monster is on screen

3. Christina Ricci is on screen

4. You see the outside of Nevermore

5. Someone says Nevermore

6. Thing talks via signing

7. Flashback

8. Visions

9. Wednesday rejects a hug

10. Wednesday work on/references her novel

11. Wednesday gets in trouble

12. *Snap snap*

13. Enid talks about #justgirlythings (boys/make up/etc)

-Bonus rules (Hardcore mode)

1. Drink through theme song

2. Bianca says something mean

3. Wednesday says something bleak

[thatpotatoguuurl]

Why do I ruin everything? I wish I just had someone who was there whenever I really needed them :(

[thatpotatoguuurl]

I got high and now I want to nap. I’ve been feeling like I want to sleep all the time recently. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m sad and want to ignore the world, I’m overwhelmed and need some space, or if I’m simply exhausted and need sleep. Possibly all three. All I know is I wish I could take like, 2 weeks off work and go somewhere quiet and just relax. I’d bring my guitar and I’d write songs and sing. I’d bring my tablet to watch movies and shows. I’d bring a lavender pillow spray, weed and my comfiest PJs and sleep. I would have bubble bath, light candles and incense and I’d do my most extravagant skincare routine. I’d go for walks and sit in nature, listening to the wind and birds, and hopefully a river or the sea. I’d let myself overthink and cry and I’d dance around while I cooked myself some fancy ass food. I’d try to resist the urge to call anyone or even particularly keep track of time. I would really love to just unapologetically just do what I want without concern for anyone for a little bit. I feel like I’m aching for the freedom of being alone but I don’t want to sacrifice the life I have or the people in it. I feel like everything is perfect and I’m the part that isn’t fitting. I think if I didn’t have the people I have and I could get over my anxieties, I’d love to live alone. I would just love to yassify my entire home. Loads of pink and feathers and glitter and neon lights. An entire room just for my music stuff, and a separate one for gaming. I like doing things my way. I’m just now realising quite how strong willed I can be. How passionate I can be. How…controlling? I always knew I was a little stubborn, (yey for a single degree of self awareness!), and I do compromise, but I didn’t realise how hard it is for me to let go of things. I must be a nightmare to live with. I just can’t ever find the words or the confidence to express things properly. So I normally just don’t, and do things I don’t want to do in a way I don’t like, then I feel like I’m always doing things for other people. In reality I’m doing things the way neurotypical people do them and it’s draining for me. I need more spoons.

[thatpotatoguuurl]

The new year is a funny time of year. I feel unusually motivated to look after myself properly. I also feel worried I won’t be able to keep it up. There are so many things I’m passionate about; (lots of) music, games, movies, TV, cooking, puzzles, swimming and so sooo many more, but I’m struggling to find the time for everything. I feel like I let people down, I make too many commitments because I want to attend an event, I want to spend time with the people I love, I want to explore my hobbies and I want to look after myself well so I don’t always feel like a fucking goblin. And yet I always end up putting myself last, things like showering, brushing my teeth, taking my meds, taking care of my house, eating properly and sleeping all get thrown on the back burner till I haven’t brushed my teeth in days and I’m scared my gums will bleed, or I’ll discover a cavity or something scary so I put it off longer. Or I haven’t showered in a week and I don’t want anyone near me because I probably smell so I don’t leave the house. Or the pile of dishes gets so massive it takes up all my bench space, so I have no room to cook, nothing to cook with and end up getting a take away I didn’t like that much, that I’ll feel bad after eating (physically), and that I didn’t need to spend money on. The thing is I want to be in control all of the time, and I don’t realise when I need to take a break until I’m completely overwhelmed and still have loads of outstanding commitments and I don’t want to let people down, so I do the bare minimum to keep me going. I need to learn to plan breaks and time for myself, but I find it so difficult to tell someone I’m unavailable on x day because I want to meditate, then drink some wine, put on a face mask, and read a book with some music on, my phone turned off and no distractions. I struggle to shut off, my mind is always whirring and it feels like it’s always criticising myself and honestly the people around me too. I have ridiculous standards that of course nobody can keep up with, but I don’t ever tell anybody those thoughts. I pretend everything is fine because I can tell I’m being impossible to please and it’s not their fault. I can’t find the line between someone doing something hurtful where I should say something, and someone doing something that doesn’t meet my expectations so I never speak out. I don’t wanna be an asshole, always miserable and confronting people over stuff nobody cares about. But I’m tired of internalising everything. I’m tired of having an expectation, that not being met and feeling instantly deflated because I can’t say anything and just accept it. I do believe acceptance is important, but I don’t even fight for what I want. I don’t fight for what I need. I don’t fucking whisper a help me when I’m drowning. I’m exhausted with always feeling overwhelmed, let down and not worth anything. Where are those people who say things like “I can tell you’ve not been yourself lately” or “hey, I love you, you seem tired, how can I help?” Or “I know this thing disappointed you, how about this compromise or solution?” - I feel like nobody notices. Or maybe cares? That’s just me getting dragged down. I have amazing friends and an incredible family and a partner who really loves me. People do show up when I ask. They never hurt my feelings on purpose. I am loved. I am worthy of that love. But even typing that I get a lump in my throat, like I need to hear it so much but how can I ask for that? From someone who knows me? I just want some reassurance without needing to beg or make it sound like I’m fishing for compliments or dying for attention. I think most of my current problems stem from the fact I don’t have a lot of self confidence. I don’t trust my instinct. I don’t believe I’m worth loving or taking care of.

I feel like if I try and do anything (like perform music live or upload it anywhere, go for a promotion etc) people will judge me and think I’m deluded - “she can’t even sing, what is she doing?” “Who does she think she is?” “How long till this is over?” “She’s too lazy and ugly, she’ll never make it” - I guess it’s all insecurity. I’ve known this for a long time, but I didn’t realise how much it’s responsible for till writing this. I think I’ve written for long enough for today, but I feel my eyes have been opened. I need to prioritise myself and learn how to believe I’m worth looking after and worth being heard.

[thatpotatoguuurl]

I believe I have ADHD, and though I started this Tumblr to log and review Disney movies, I got distracted for months and now want to write stream of consciousness. Hopefully I’ll do both!

[thatpotatoguuurl]

In my last post I talked a little about how I binge eat and I’ve been struggling with my relationship with food, and how I’m having a hard time trusting foods I would normally enjoy.

Outside of my current food anxieties, I can’t decide how to move forward with food.

I’m overweight and quite unfit. I lost 2 stone on Slimming World before the pandemic started, then put it all back on and haven’t been able to get back into it. My mam lost a few stone and completely came off her medication for diabetes following a slimming world diet and I’m feeling conflicted.

Sometimes when I put a focus on eating healthy foods I fail and end up binging every day and promising myself I’ll do better tomorrow.

Ideally I would be completely focused on my relationship with food but I want to lose weight. I want to be able to go on rollercoasters and water slides and not worry about needing a seatbelt extender on flights. I want to be able to shop outside of plus size sections because it’s so hard to find nice, affordable plus size clothing. I’m so tired of feeling lethargic and unfit.

I had no money for so many years as a late teen/early 20s, and struggled with depression and anxiety and just didn’t do anything. I didn’t go on holiday, I avoided friends and family, and there was a period of about 2 years when I only left the house around once a month.

I worked super hard on my mental health and got to a point I started reaching out to old friends, going out more, exercising and I felt great. That lasted around 4 months before the pandemic hit.

I feel like I missed my youth, I spent years locked inside, stuck in bed crying and having regular panic attacks while my friends were learning to drive, meeting new people and travelling.

I feel like if I don’t lose weight doing something like slimming world then I’ll continue missing out and feeling embarrassed by my weight. But I keep trying and binging and putting on more weight.

I think I’ll slowly lose weight if I focus on my relationship with food but I’m not sure. There’s so much conflicting information around diets and everyone has an opinion.

I just don’t know what to do.

[thatpotatoguuurl]

I struggle so much with my relationship with food. I binge eat and feel guilty for eating certain things, often get fixated on meals and want the same thing daily, and more recently I haven’t wanted anything fresh.

I’ve always been a little stressed about making sure all meats are cooked properly (pretty sure that comes from my mam) as well as smelling everything to make sure it’s good, but since having food poisoning in November I’ve been getting worse.

It was from a sandwich I got as part of a meal deal - I used to get one almost everyday I was at work but after getting sick I stopped being able to eat them.

I started making my own sandwiches but I can’t trust meat after it’s been open for 2 days - even if I know it’s sealed we’ll, has a long date and lasts longer than that open.

I also really enjoy cooking, but in the last few weeks I’m not convinced the meat I’m cooking is cooked thoroughly or is still good (even when it’s well in date and has been previously unopened and my partner ensures me it’s cooked and it’s good).

I’ve also been struggling with fruit and veg. I’m finding myself really inspecting everything before even trying it, and more likely than not I can’t get myself to actually eat any.

I only trust eggs if they’re new and have been in the fridge, bread if it’s new and besides chocolate and a few light cheeses, I’ve never liked dairy so I’m feeling very very limited to what I can eat.

I can eat takeout or at a restaurant- I trust it’s fresh and that they’ll use thermometers for meat. Otherwise I feel stuck eating beige food (noodles, chicken nuggets, chips etc) and I’m having such a hard time with it.

I usually love cooking anything from Italian to Indian food, and often have salads with a huge variety of fresh ingredients. I also love fruit and for the past few years it’s been my go to for snacks.

I’m not sure how to get over it, it’s causing me so much anxiety and I’m frustrated because I can’t eat 90% of foods I would normally love.

[thatpotatoguuurl]

[thatpotatoguuurl]

🥺

𝒟𝓊𝓂𝒷𝑜

[thatpotatoguuurl]

Happy Mother's Day!

[thatpotatoguuurl]

Is it possible? Isn’t there some mistake? Just look at those, those E-A-R-S. Those what? Oh, ears! These! Aren’t they funny?

Dumbo (1941) dir. Ben Sharpsteen

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Tonight I watched Dumbo for the first time! I really enjoyed it - Dumbo is seriously the most adorable little elephant. I think he’s my favourite character so far 🥰 I just wanna give him a squeeze!

The movie itself was good, I definitely cried when his mother was taken away 💔 Though I could have done without the 3 and a half minute fever dream 😅

I’m giving it a 7/10, would recommend, will watch again, but not my favourite so far

-Izzy xo

[thatpotatoguuurl]

So in my bio I say I’m currently watching *every* Disney movie, but I’m not promising to make it to the end of them all 😂

I started Fantasia but couldn’t get into it. I have ADHD and I think instrumental music and animation just isn’t enough to stimulate me. I just end up distracted and have to rewind.

There also may be movies along the way I just don’t enjoy, and so I won’t finish it and I’ll just move on :)

I can be a little bit intense about completing things, or being perfect at stuff and I’m trying really hard to not get so caught up in things that don’t matter. Like if after 20 minutes I know I’m not enjoying a film, why would I put myself through another hour?

I think that’s probably why I’ve seen so few movies in general. It’s so rough sitting through something you’re not enjoying so I would rarely even try.

Anyway, I’ll probs scatter posts like this throughout my Tumblr :)

-Izzy xo

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Pinocchio dir. Hamilton Luske, Ben Sharpsteen, Wilfred Jackson, T. Hee, Norm Ferguson, Bill Roberts, Jack Kinney | 1940

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PINOCCHIO (1940)

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Pinocchio (1940) dir. Norman Ferguson, T. Hee, Wilfred Jackson, Jack Kinney, Hamilton Luske, Bill Roberts