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My Promise to you, 2016...

Good riddance 2015. You will hence forth be referred to as titles, you fail to deserve a name. Similar to old boyfriends that are referred to as “the asshole” or other names that are not suitable to put in print. IF you ever come up again in conversation you may hear yourself mentioned as “last year,” or “that year that f*cked up everyone’s life,” or maybe even “the asshole” (this title is shared by many.) However, you will never again be given the rights to your own name.

So here we are, in 2016. Last year kicked a few of us around, but guess what, we survived. We will continue to survive! This is not a message of hope. I do not hope 2016 will be better. If fact, I no longer believe that “surely, nothing else could go wrong.” 2016 may kick us around harder than its predecessor. I am not writing to tell you I am hopeful, I am not optimistic, I do not have faith this year will be better...I am sure. I am sure that whatever this next year decides to throw my way, I will overcome. I am sure that the strength the past few years has given me, Jim, those around me, we have the strength to overcome. This is not a threat, I am not saying bring it on. I am simply telling you, 2016, 366 days from now, I will have won. Game on!

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Today I say Goodbye

Today I say goodbye to Gu, Glide, and for alliteration purposes, getting up at 4 am. I say goodbye to chafing, missing toenails, awkward tan lines, arch blisters, and neuromas. Unfortunately, I also say goodbye to my therapist, my confidant, and one of my best friends. Today I have to say goodbye to running.

 According to the neurosurgeon, if I fail to say goodbye to running I will greatly increase the rate of degeneration of my lumbar spine. So today I say goodbye. Sure, I can still run, but I shouldn’t.

 I have been running for just over 10 years and met so many incredible people along the way. I have completed 9 marathons, 9 half marathons, and 1 half Ironman. In 2004, I replaced my cigarettes with running shoes. I now look to replace my running shoes with downward dog and my cycle ops bike trainer. Who knows, maybe I will be training for a century ride in a few years.

 I want to thank everyone who has been a part of my amazing running life. I do not know the words to express the amount of love and support you have all given me in the past decade. I will need some time to grieve, but I have no doubt that I will find something new to put all of the crazy into. In the meantime, please do not stop telling me about all of the incredible runs you are experiencing and feel free to continue sending your running questions, and back advice, my way.

 Thank you everyone for today, I love you all!

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Wonder Women

I had a moment a few weeks ago that I began to feel like I loved where I live. It was terrifying and the lambs in my head were screaming that it can’t be so. In my 35 years on this earth I have lived in Texas, Ohio, Tennessee, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin. The two T states I loved and the two O states were misery. The W state has been a pit stop. I still do not plan to retire here, but I find myself thinking about how great this state has been to Jim and me.

As I watch the leaves change colors I find myself looking forward to the chill in the air that brings cozy fireplaces, great jackets, and new boots. Though I only spend 30 minutes a year doing it, the apple picking season brings joy to my heart.

The past 5 years have been extreme for Jim and me. Though I do not have the everyday drama that my 20s thrived on, we have had life challenges and joys that I never imagined I would have to face. Apple picking and new outfits do not fill the empty places in my world that have been cut away in the past few years, so why do I find myself loving my life right now? What is it about this frozen tundra that has me smiling most days? This is what I find myself wondering for the past month. I think I found the answer…strong women!

The men is my life are awesome. I have always been a daddy’s girl. Just ask my mom, he can do no wrong in my eyes. My husband is the most supportive man I know and my brother is the silent hero in the background of my world. I do not want to downplay any of their roles in my life, but what takes me from having a good day, to a fantastic day, are the women in my everyday.

Texas always brought me joy because it is my home. It is the land that includes all of the amazingly strong women in my family.  Between my best friends, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, and mother, there is no stronger collection of women in the world.

Tennessee is a land I will always love. I will always consider moving back. In my twenties, I finally learned how to be happy through the extreme strength of the women at Park Café. Sure, there were others along the way as well, but those of you from Park know exactly what I am talking about. The strength I gained in being a member of that crew changed me at my core.

Which brings us to Sconnieland, frozen tundra of construction and frigidness. The true southerner in me fights so hard to not like this place. I can’t help but enjoy life here, the women rock! The majority of my friends here I have met through the running club. Some 5 years ago, some in the past 18 months. They are amazing! I may only see them once a week, or once a month, but their strength can move mountains.

I spent so much effort in my teenage years, being a caddy little girl. I did not know how to have women friends outside of my family. I see this caddiness in my students. I am not sure where we learn it, but it is definitely at full force in our middle and high school years. I am sad for the girls going through it right now. But I am grateful for the strength the women in my life have given me. I can only hope I too have given strength to others.

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Just call me Chueca

I would like to begin by apologizing for my recent vaguebooking. I hate it when people do that and now I am guilty of it myself. I AM CURRENTLY FINE AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE FINE. I apologize for worrying y’all. Life is good here in Sconnieland.

I am on a journey right now and am looking forward to the destination, I think. At the very least, I am looking forward to not being on the journey anymore. I have had leg pain for going on 6 months now. It has not gotten worse or better, just different over the past 6 months. It moves from leg to leg, from muscular to skeletal, and from dull to aching to electrifying. Sometimes it is just an annoyance and sometimes (not super often) it is stabbing. I have tried running, and not running. Nothing changes. 

I found out about 2 weeks ago that I apparently was born with congenital scoliosis and it was never found. Therefore, it caused degenerative scoliosis. This has caused bone spurring and degenerative disc disease in my lower lumbar spine. This was actually a little bit of good news. It told me I was not imagining everything. The facets (openings) in my vertebrate that allow the nerves to exit off the spinal cord into my lower extremities have gone from dime sized to pin hole sized (approximations). Though this sounds terrifying, people go through it everyday. Most of these people go through it after 60, but what can I say? I am advanced.

Anyway, the doctors I see continue to get more and more specialized and now I am at the point that I need a recommendation from a neurosurgeon. For those of you thinking, neurosurgeon, doesn’t he just work on brains? Watch some Grey’s Anatomy. Neurosurgeons work on brains and spines. It is all connected. They also do not just do surgery, they do injections, CT scans, and more. According to Grey’s they even dance some. :) I have no idea what my options are yet because I do not yet have an official diagnosis beyond the two kinds of scoliosis. 

With all of that being said, I am fine. The pain is mostly manageable right now and I feel lucky to have insurance and supportive people around me. Life is good here and I am most worried about winter. IT IS COMING!

So again, sorry about the vaguebooking, I am fine. Thank you all for the concern. We all go on journeys and luckily mine is nothing I cannot handle. In the meantime, I will try to learn to answer to Chueca.

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Seriously?!?

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F*CK Cancer

It just keeps happening. As someone who has a strong faith that everything happens for a reason, I feel like that reason could surely have been achieved in an easier manner. Most of you have met my friend Tracy. You probably met her at my wedding. The chick with the cool hair, bicycle Anthro dress, short boots, and oh yeah, she was the photographer. Her life got turned upside down 6 weeks ago today. In 6 short weeks she learned what my dad, father-in-law and mother-in-law, aunt Lola, uncle Vale, Bound’ry friend Tracy, Grandmother, and old friend Marla all learned, cancer is a fucking fuck. I cried about it today for the first time. I normally show my emotions through inappropriate jokes, it is just how I cope.

Tonight I cried. I didn’t cry because she lost her breasts. Let’s face it, the new ones are gonna rock! Most women pay thousands for new boobs. (As I said, inappropriate jokes.) I cried because our society sucks when it comes to talking about breasts. I read an article years ago about a woman in Nashville who was told she had to wear a swim top at the pool even though she had a mastectomy without reconstruction. We tell women to cover up when breast feeding in public. We even write people tickets for indecent exposure when they are simply trying to put on a dry shirt to avoid hypothermia. What is so offensive about breasts?!?

Men are allowed to walk down the street topless and no one gives a second glance. I would much rather see the chest of a woman who has beaten a battle for her life, than the chest of a 250 pound, super hairy, sweaty, man. Let’s face it people, no one wants to see that guy partially nude, but we scorn women who are warriors?!? This is what I cry for. I cry because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that my friend will have to spend the next few months being extremely uncomfortable because people are prudes. 

That’s all. Thank you for reading my rant.

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Almost 5 years ago we moved to Sconnieland with the understanding that we would move home after 5 years. I thought about this a lot during my faculty orientation my first summer here. During introductions at orientation I explained to everyone that I was from this far away galaxy called Texas....

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What they don’t tell you

Almost 5 years ago we moved to Sconnieland with the understanding that we would move home after 5 years. I thought about this a lot during my faculty orientation my first summer here. During introductions at orientation I explained to everyone that I was from this far away galaxy called Texas. Well, this prompted a number of people offering recommendations for my first winter. The list included, but was not limited to:

-- Keep a bag of kitty litter, bottled water, granola bars, and an ice scraper in your car in case you get stuck on the beltline for hours

-- Get snow tires on your car

-- Wake up 30 minutes early to scrape the ice off your car in the morning

Though I have not followed the first recommendations, I can swear by the latter 2. Sadly, there are many things people don’t tell you when you first move here. I have learned a number of them over the past 5 years and do not understand how I allowed Jim to talk me into another 5 years in this frozen tundra. I mention a few of them here.

1. You will get plowed in. What’s that you ask? It is when you have spent the past hour shoveling your driveway and sidewalk, the plow comes by. You have to shovel because you will get a ticket from the city if you do not shovel. Oh yeah, and when you own a corner home you will have double the sidewalk to shovel plus the street curb. The plow driver will watch you battling the snow-blower in the wind. He sits inside the cab of his truck sipping hot chocolate, waiting for you to finish. Then he comes down your street. He plows all of the snow from the street into your driveway. This is plowed in. You now have a fresh two feet of snow at the end of your sidewalk to clear. That a**hole!

2. If there is going to be more than 3-4 inches of snow you will have to shovel multiple times during the storm. An everyday snow-blower will not clear 12 inches of snow at a time, so you find yourself having to go out every 2 hours to clear snow. During which time you know you will have to do it again, because the snow is still falling...and falling...and falling...yeah, you get it.

3. People will make fun of a coat that could double as a sleeping bag. Everyone will make fun of it. People in Sconnieland make fun of the Texan for wearing it and people in Texas make fun of the Texan for needing it. However, all of the scrutiny is vindicated in February when that fine coat keeps you nice and toasty while the Sconnies are shivering and asking to borrow it.

4. Everything is the same color. Between the months of December and March, everything is a dirty whitish-grey color. If that is not an official pantone color it should be. It is the color of Sconnieland during winter. This color is the result of everything being covered in salt and exhaust. By car is navy 9 months out of the year and dirty whitish-grey the other 3 months. It is okay because so is everyone elses car, and shoes, and coat, and bag...

These are just a few of the highlights from the past 5 winters. Which brings me to my point today. I learned a new piece of information this past Saturday. No one tells you this piece and it is so unbelievably disgusting I felt obliged to include it here today.

5. Dog poop is everywhere! When you have a dog that has access to the yard at all times, you do not know when she is communing with nature. As it does not make sense to put on giant snow-boots, the aforementioned coat, a hat, gloves, and scarf to see what she is doing every time that dog door flaps, you wind up with 3-4 poops a day that you do not know about. Let’s take a moment to do some math. 3 poops a day * about 70 days = 210 steaming piles of waste. I use 60 days because this is about how many days the ground is covered with snow. The piles get covered with more and more snow. Which brings us to last Saturday. The snow started melting on Friday and we began to remember what our nice new patio looked like. Saturday morning, Jim and I gloved up, lined a 5 gallon bucket, and set out to...uh...clean. When December begins, things freeze and are easy to clean. This is not the case in March, when the ground is soggy; oh so soggy. This is by far the most disgusting thing I have ever had to do. Yes, I know that your children have blow-outs, I have experienced this while taking care of my niece. That is definitely near the top of the gross spectrum in my life. But spring poop clean up is the worst! No one tells you this when you get a puppy in spring. There are no warnings when winter begins. You just wake up one morning in March and realize YOUR DOG OWNS YOU! 

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HUGE PROGRESS!

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We are making progress! I moved all but one of those retaining stones into the backyard by myself.

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The trench is complete! Jeff came to help finish the trench yesterday and I was shocked at their progress considering the size of their shovels. We managed to have a place for all except a few wheelbarrow loads of dirt. Jim and I will purchase our retaining stones today and have the gravel and sand hopefully delivered before leaving town. My goal is for Jim to have the retaining wall finished by the time I return from Texas. I am not sure what his goal is.

  On a side note, all of the rocks seen on the boarder of the new mound where mined from the trench. I have no idea how this used to be farmland. We have also found 3 pieces of siding and construction tarp, multiple pieces of disposed concrete rocks, and a cinderblock. Luckily, no bodies yet.

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And so it begins...

We now have the perfect mud pit in our backyard. Don't worry, this is the plan. We spent 8 hours today renting a U-Haul and sod cutter. Thank God I don't do this for a living! 374 square feet of sod were lifted, moved, and replanted all with our own hands. I would prefer the rest of the project to come with blue skies and above 40 degree weather. Today was miserable but I am so proud of what we completed. Hopefully, we will have a finished project in the next month.

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I'm so mad I could spit!

If I have to take on 1 more huge disappointment right now I will pull my head back in my shell and shut down. We placed an offer on a house Saturday evening. We were told by our real estate agent the house already had an offer with a bump. However, she said this meant we could just go in high with no contingencies. This is exactly what we did. We offered asking price and we wanted $3000 closing. We gave them 24 hours to counter. I spent all of Monday awaiting a reply.

Did you know when you are shot full of hormones, all emotions are felt exponentially? I spent Monday almost unable to function from anxiety.

Anyway 8:30 pm rolls around and they countered with "we will give you closing, but we want to add it to total selling price." We said fine, signed it, and called our realtor. She said all they have to do now is bump the first offer and make us primary, and we can close on December 6th. I spent Tuesday on the phone setting-up appointments with our lender, the home inspector, and insurance companies.

I find out at 10 pm last night that we should just start looking elsewhere. Open-mouthed, and feeling like I had been hit, I asked WTF?!? She said the original offer dropped the contingencies and they are the primary, they get the house. Why the flippin' fudge funhouse didn't she tell us this could happen in the first place? Why tell us we can get it by going high. Give me my damn house, here is more money than the first guy, give me my house, and get the hell out!

I get it, I understand, I just wish my realtor would have set the proper expectations in the beginning. So now, I don't want to look at any houses. I am content to just stay paying rent in our townhome. It is too small and we are throwing our money away. But at least I do not have another huge disappointment. This year has been nothing but huge, gigantic, atlas with the world on his shoulders, disappointments. 

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We are on a break!

Well, today marked our last procedure for a few months. I was inseminated today. It was kind of weird when the male doctor came into the room saying "how about we get you pregnant?" I had to pause for a moment and have a weird moment where I told him "hmm, I guess I never expected a man other than my husband to ask me that." He laughed a bit and went on to complete his job...sooooo awkward.

Anyway, if this did not work (remember, we have less than a 10% chance of it working) we will take the winter off. We will begin again in March or April. Yes, this does reduce our chances of it working, but I can't feel this way all the time.

On another note, we made an offer on a house yesterday. The offer was on the table until 5 pm today. It is now 7:30 pm and we have no idea what is going on. We would love to get this house and are trying to believe that no news is good news. However, 6 months of hormone therapy + stressful situation + 5 jobs = I AM FREAKING OUT!!! I have been for 2 days! I normally have intermittent anxiety issues. Nothing that requires medication. However, when you through in hormone injections and pills and winter and work stress, it makes me feel like an extreme crazy person. God bless my husband for loving me through all of this. Worst case scenario, we don't get the house, and the insemination didn't work. Best case scenario, we close on December 6th and find out we are having twins. Either way, please pray for us, please.

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Waiting...

I haven't posted anything lately because there hasn't been anything to post. We have moved up to the next tier. I now take 5 pills a day for 5 days and then Jim gets to give me a shot in the belly everyday for 3 days. I woke up 2 days into the shots with extreme abdominal pain. I felt like I had been punched. We found out a couple of days later that was a good thing. Apparently my ovaries were swollen because they had matured 5 follicles. Only 3 of them were good enough, but hey, I have gone from 0 to 5, that's something. Anyway, we are back in the waiting game. The worst thing about it all is that I have gained 10 pounds in the 3 months we have been trying this. Uhg, I know I will have to gain weight with a baby but do these meds really have to make me gain weight before a baby?!?

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This Sucks!

As I begin my Sunday thinking of the 4 tests I have to write today I am finding myself in my own little pity party. Yesterday sucked. I know that is a terrible word to use, but seriously, there is not another word in my vocabulary that would describe yesterday. We went to the doctor for our 11 day ultrasound yesterday and sat in the exam room for 30 minutes waiting for the doc. Ladies, y'all get me on how long that feels when you are half naked waiting for someone to do something really uncomfortable to you.

Anyway, the doc walks in and I have never seen this man before. Everyone I have met and worked with has been uplifting women. It is not really that big of a deal, but I would have liked to have known beforehand that the person completing my procedure would be a mad dressed like I was keeping him from his Saturday morning golf game!

So my uterus lining looks good but I have only matured one follicle this month. Please don't tell me it only takes one, I know that already. It was just really disappointing. I had no idea how disappointing until Jim and I went to Target after the appointment. We were not there for 10 minutes before I just handed him everything I was carrying, broke out ugly crying, and told him I had to get out of there.

These stupid hormone pills are finally making me crazy. Every person in Target had a kid with them. On the way home we, of course, pass Saturday morning kid soccer games and all I can think is that EVERYONE has kids. I know this isn't true, and it is irrational to think this way, but seriously, kids are everywhere. Idiots have kids, people with rage issues have kids, people who don't want kids have kids. I know, I know, a lot of awesome people have kids too. That doesn't make me feel better about listening to a person I work with always complain about her kids ruining her fun. I know God has a plan for us, and that this happens for a reason, it doesn't make it not suck.

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So...it didn't work. We are now back to the beginning and awaiting an ultrasound tomorrow. I friend posted this video on facebook and I thought I would share. Seeing as how this year has been the most stressful in Mine, and Jim's, life together I found this video fascinating. As a cynic I first questions this person's credentials. I found she is a legitimate PhD and a lecturer at Stanford, so I believe her. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.