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I'm watching the Sopranos for the first time in a long time and absolutely in love with the way it sets up toxic masculinity and the mafia as this self reinforcing cycle that traps everyone in its orbit, rewarding them just enough that they ignore how much it's damaging them. It's impossible to leave, because leaving would be admitting weakness.

And you see Tony wanting to love AJ enough to accept him as he is, but he just can't because his life is so wrapped up in a specific kind of masculinity and no matter how much he doesn't want that for his son, he can't figure out how to parent him without reverting to the way his father did the moment there's any trouble.

Like damn, I knew the show was good, but being a middle aged trans man really makes it hit different.

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REV UP THOSE DATAS

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Life is like that one episode of The Twilight Zone where the people are all archetypes and they're stuck in a featureless cylinder and it turns out they're all just toys that were in the trash.

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Been a while, back to complain about my life again! So tired of feeling alone. Of feeling alone and like I'm just actual scum. Like I hate myself. People will post " reblog to wrap me up in a warm balnky!!! UwU OwO!!!1!!!1" and all I can think about is how strange that seems to me. To love yourself and to want others to love you it feels like an alien concept at this point in my life. I've spent 28 years slowly realizing how awful I am at pretty much every aspect of life. I failed out of university, I can't hold down a job because I get so anxious around other people and ruminate every day on how much they all hate me. My transition is pretty much a failure, I look like a hulking manmonster, I sound like Sly stallone mouth fucked a sodium hexafluoride can, and I'm edging into fucking needing to report myself to air traffic control whenever I go to the store so they can track my blimp ass.

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average tgirl tumblr mutual meetup

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Sucking on foods is the most satisfying thing in the world frfr

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This just in. Transgenders featured on the cover of the disco elysium artbook

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Ever say you're going to the bathroom but in your head it's like when an old cat walks off into the forest to die?

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posting is body horror and lurking is cosmic horror, it is quite simple

twitter

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it's dangerous to go alone, take this!

()xxxxx[[{:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::>

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Today is one of those days where everything just feels like it's falling to shit again. I hate myself more every day, and I'm just constantly I'm losing ground every single day against dysphoria, depression, and some really severe body image stuff. I wanted to be one of those happy, well-adjusted trans women who thrives after transitioning, but as it sits, I'm not. I'm this fucking beast slogging my ever expanding meat wagon around with me, and not in a fun way. I honestly feel somedays say I've lost my mind. I feel like I'm this agitated, stressed, terrible person when before I was calm and never really angry. I want to not feel like this anymore, but I don't have the energy to make anything better for myself anymore. It's like a snowball rolling downhill-The bigger it gets, the faster it goes. I'm drowning .

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“Range Life” by Jordan Bolton

Part of Scenes from Imagined Films Issue #1, available on Etsy

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Day 6 of Turning me into Me

CW: homophobia, mention of suicide

Today was good. With how I feel, you wouldn't have thought that I came out to my parents yesterday but I just feel... not nothing, but not an absence either. Just a neutral feeling, and I think it shows the damage they did to me when I first came out. With every person I've come out to so far, I've left that conversation with such feelings of elation and relief. But I'm just, whelmed.

Anyway, onto today. A friend wanted me to go and visit them because they had news. I know, I panicked too, but their news was both positive and scary. They were beginning to enter a whole stage of their life that they couldn't have predicted would happen, they opened up about so much and then they came out to me. I was so proud of them, and not just in a "heeey congrats on the gender and sexuality" but more in that they felt that they could be themselves to me. It is so hard but so rewarding to be able to be introspective and honest with yourself, but then tell someone... I gave them such a huge hug, and I wanted to tell them how proud I was of them.

But growing up I was made to feel that emotion and support weren't things that a "man" did. There was no room for vulnerability. It didn't help that my parents kept calling me a sensitive kid, both positively and negatively. I was "sensitive" because I cared about someone, I was "sensitive" because I cried when I got shouted at for something that wasn't my fault. Eventually my parents called me a good kid who followed the rules, but all that meant was that I could tell each parent apart by their footsteps, or where they were in the house by the sound of shutting door. I learned how to avoid conflict. Then comes high school, and in a working class all-boys school, oh boy did my instincts have to work double-time. Any non conformity was weaponised, any vulnerablility became a target. The moment you acted like a human to anyone it was met with shouts of "Eeerrgh are you gay?" "Are you batty?" "Gaylord!". I couldn't show my friends that I loved them. I couldn't show excitement for my interests. I couldn't even show pride in accomplishment. Standing out meant placing a target on you. The school was complicit. "Oh lets get you boys in here together and talk it out." Mediation meant nothing in that school but the promise of future violence. There are kids from that school who are no longer with us because of that place.

I'm so glad I started to transition when I did because I learned to love. I learned to praise. I learned to share. I used to bottle so much up, but now I squee at cute clothes with friends. I shoulder their burdens with love. I listen when no others will.

I do all of this because no one was there for me when I needed it, and no one should go through any part of life alone.

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November 2nd, 2281

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