tell-it-ace

[tell-it-ace]

We will literally never progress past biphobia until people realize that bisexuals in het relationships are still having a queer experience by virtue of being bisexual, we do not magically oscillate between gay enough and too straight. I’m going to maul someone to death.

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Friend: Don't you want to have a romance?

Me: I'm good, I have romance at home.

Romance I have at home:

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“Always the bridesmaid and never the bride” is like the worst insult

You mean I have so many friends who love and trust me enough to be a bridesmaid in multiple different weddings? You mean I don’t have to get married? This is the dream.

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Remembering the time I was asked to remove 'intersex' from my discord bio by the mods of a furry discord server because "this is a sfw space and that includes bios too" and I got so fucking mad I chewed out one of the mods and was promptly banned for "being rude and disrespecting the mods"., As if my personhood as an intersex man hadn't just been reduced to a fucking fetish porn trope and deemed too inappropriate for teenagers to see in my bio.

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Let me say this really slowly, really clearly, and only once:

There is not a single identity group within the queer community that "has never contributed" to the community as a whole, but even if there were, the queer community is not a church, and you do not have to pay an activism tithe to be allowed to be "really queer."

Good talk.

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“As I pondered a pronoun change, I began to think of gender less as a scale and more as a landscape. Some people are born in the mountains, while others are born by the sea. Some people are happy to live in the place they were born, while others must make a journey to reach the climate in which they can flourish and grow. Between the ocean and the mountains is a wild forest. That is where I want to make my home.” ― Maia Kobabe, Gender Queer: A Memoir (Affiliate link)

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If you are three square meals a day every day on time without interruption, it’s not implausible that you might go a pretty long time without noticing that you’re incapable of feeling hunger, that unlike other people you just never feel “hungry”.

In fact, seeing as how we’re all SUPPOSED to eat three meals a day to stay healthy, it might take a pretty big thing for you to even get the chance to notice that “hunger” isn’t something your body does.

Given the right circumstances in fact, a fifty year old who cannot feel hunger might go on a camping trip, get lost in the woods, and be on day three of wandering around without food before the lack of that sensation ever occurs to them as odd for the very first time.

Which is probably a very similar experience to people who don’t realize they’re trans, asexual, gay, queer, intersex, mildly colourblind, allergic to beets, whatever, and why it probably shouldn’t shock and surprise us so much when a 65 year old retiree comes out as queer or vehemently defends the idea that potatoes are spicy

Which I conflate in this hypothetical because it really does highlight the exaggerated value we place on one realization vs the other

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where’s that article by james frankie thomas where he says like “prior to my transition there was only one kind of sex i wanted to have. and i thought i could never have it” because i am about to blow these people’s minds

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"Pride month is over"

WRONG! Your pride month is over! Me and all the other disabled queers are having pride month two: disability edition

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The aromantic agenda is a good one.

Go and think about what kinds of relationships you want. Don't think about labels like romantic or platonic or sexual, think purely about what relationships would make you happiest.

When I realized I was aromantic, I was asked things like "Would you still date? Would you have a QPR? Will you ever kiss?"

But the aromantic community didn't ask that. Instead, they focused on "What do you want in a world where anything is possible?"

And I realized I want to be alone, surrounded by friends and family I love who are close enough, I can bring them fresh baked scones when I overbake.

They asked me "What do you want?" and the question was so broad, I could weigh labels in my hand like queerplatonic partner and nonpartnering and significant other. I could look at these and shrug and say, "What I want is to not worry about questions I don't care about." I could shelve these indefinitely. Maybe even forever. And just enjoy being myself.

The aromantic community celebrates exploration. Tells people asking if they are aromantic, "This is a personal decision. Your personal decision. If this label helps you, take it. If this community helps you, stay as long as you need. You don't have to be labelled anything, aromantic or otherwise, unless it would bring you comfort. You don't have to be anything you aren't."

It's a good community with good philosophies born from a unique experience, not rooted in missing out, but in being forced to consider what you want when you don't want what's expected.

[tell-it-ace]

You're allowed to find pride in your asexuality and aromanticism. I know it can be difficult, between people not knowing or believing it exists and people who might accept that it exists but will always see it as pitiful and insignificant, something to be silent about, something shameful or "tmi", something to mention as an afterthought. But aromanticism will always be far more complex and far-reaching and life altering and significant than people who brush it off as "doesn't date" are able to understand, and asexuality will always be more nuanced and eye-opening and liberating than people who brush it off as "doesn't have sex" will ever understand. You're allowed to find meaning in these labels and in the communities surrounding them, and you're allowed to show pride for who you are.

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the problem. is not that breast augs and bbls and other plastic surgeries exist. the problem. is the beauty industry. we remember this, right? that plastic surgery in and of itself is not an inherently bad thing and people wanting them does not inherently make them vain? right? we're not going right back to the aughts where someone getting a nose job is a punch line in and of itself?? we ARE remembering this, right website full of queer people talking about how much they want gender affirming procedures, most of which categorically fall under cosmetic and plastic surgery??? we are not judging people for wanting to feel at home in their bodies but rather the system that tells them their bodies will never be enough????? right?????????

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every time someone is asked to describe what they consider to be positive masculinity (hardworking, protective, whatever) they are at a loss when the follow up question is "okay but what makes these positive characteristic masculine? women have them too"... it's almost as if it's all patriarchal bullshit lol

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My book on asexuality and aromanticism, Love Expanded, is released today!!

When I first started writing, I thought it would just be a book explaining what ace and aro identities are. But the more I wrote, the more it became a book about how allonormativity hurts everyone. 

It encourages everyone to believe they’re fundamentally incomplete without a romantic partner.

It makes people think a romantic partner is the only intimate, nurturing relationship they need, leaving them without a support network if that relationship fails.

It can lead to people feeling obliged to consent to sex they don't actively want, because it's the "normal" thing to do.

It means anyone perceived as “abnormal” gets desexualised by society (disabled people, neurodivergent people, fat people, etc).

It makes people afraid to leave abusive relationships because they’ve been told ‘love conquers all’ or that singledom is even worse than abuse.

It makes everyone think the default way for humans to live is in self-contained family units… when there’s no reason we shouldn’t live with friends, or have friends co-parent our children, and many many more options.

So if you’re interested in a book unpacking all of this and talking about the steps we can take to fix it, please do check it out! And happy Pride and Aro day <3

(US readers: because of some complicated publishing stuff ™ , physical copies won’t be available in the US until next spring. Some US people have been able to order copies either by changing their location or by using Amazon, though I understand many of us. Do Not Want to do that. :'D Ebooks should be available now though, or at least very soon!)

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hey Abigail! I really admire your acting work (especially The Prince!!) and was wondering if you had any advice on making a showreel while struggling with body image. I know I really need an agent at this point in my acting career, but my dysmorphia/phoria can get so bad from seeing just 1 unpleasant image of myself.

Sometimes I think as much as I love acting, maybe I should accept being a writer instead (my main gig). I hope I can get through dysmorphia but I'm not sure this industry caters very well to this kind of self-scrutinizing mental illness yknow?

Anyway thanks for providing so much awesome trans content, sincerely a star-eyed trans guy :)

confidence is bullshit. you are allowed to have a showreel you feel bad about.

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Hooray! Yay! Dykes!

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