tasia-ghost

[tasia-ghost]

[tasia-ghost]

Do you know much of a god named Bragi? My family has been cleaning out the house of my grand-aunt how recently died of lung cancer and previously believed to be a very devoted Catholic. We found basically a shrine to a god named Bragi with poems and sheet music she appears to have written herself dedicated to him. We found the hidden shrine when we smelled something rotting--it turned out to be apples left on the shrine. Is he associated with apples? Family is a bit freaked, sorry to bother you.

Bragi? He’s a son of Odin, and the god of music and poetry. 

And I’m laughing my absolute ass off that your aunt kept that a secret until she died, and feel like an ass for laughing. I’m sorry for your loss, but yeah, your grand-aunt was a heathen, and I may have to light a candle for her, because damn. 

[tasia-ghost]

help a couple of poor trans kids out.

TLDR: we’re trans, disabled, tired, and starving. we have over $850 in expenses and only about twenty bucks to our name. Please help: https://www.paypal.me/lysate/

so I know it sucks to see these sorts of posts on your dash, and you know I hate to do it, but we really do need whatever help we can get. So I’m gonna put aside whatever conceit I might have and humble myself before the diverse community of tumblr, hoping for whatever we can get.

I‘ll start by laying out who we are and what our situation is, then I’ll describe how you can help us out. I am Anastasia (“they/them” pronouns) also known on the internet as Lysis Lambda and a variety of other nicknames. My boyfriend is Gabriel (“it” pronouns, @frreddiestroma). I am a trans girl, Gabriel is a trans boy. I know, it’s very cliché for trans kids like us to be in financial trouble, but there it is...

between the two of us we work three jobs, not including any sex work we do on the side. We’re also both aspiring writers, but we don’t really have time or energy left over for that after all the work we do. Oh, also, we don’t have a car anymore. In order to get anywhere, including to and from work, we have to walk (work is a little over a mile away for both of us), bus (the schedules often don’t line up with our jobs), or Uber (which is pricey).

since most of the time we choose to walk, that’s an extra two hours of time out of our day per job (so sometimes four hours for me) and it’s fucking exhausting. Our lives are fucking exhausting.

Gabriel moved in with me quite suddenly when its parents kicked it out of their house, after it came out as trans to them. Shortly after that, my lease expired and my roommates all split to find other accommodations, leaving us to figure things out on our own. We moved into a one-bed, but we barely make enough to stay here.

Gabriel’s work cut its hours significantly recently and, although I feel really bad about it, I keep missing work because I’m just too exhausted and mentally drained. Thrice we’ve gone over the grace period with the rent, causing the office to threaten to evict us. In fact, at this moment we still owe them $250, which I’m not entirely sure we’ll be able to pull together.

I also owe the government almost $300 this year in taxes!!! Oh, and we haven’t even paid last month’s electric or internet...so, along with this month’s, that’s probably more than $200 altogether. That, and I keep borrowing money from my parents, so I owe them about $100 too. I have $16 in my bank account right now. We are going to starve.

anyway, along with being trans, my boyfriend Gabriel is also disabled and relies on medication to get through the day. Medication that makes it tired as fuck all the time. All in all, it’s an exhausting, stressful, and precarious life we live.

so, how can you help us? At the very least, even if you can do nothing else, you can reblog this post so it is seen by more people who might be able to help. Even this small gesture is very much appreciated. If you can afford it, you can always send donations our way. Since we don’t have a specific goal we’re trying to reach (we just wanna get by as well as we can) it might seem like you’re just tossing coins into a bottomless well, but I assure you that every little bit helps and we will be eternally grateful.

do me a favor and, if you do click on this link, pretend you didn’t see my deadname: https://www.paypal.me/lysate/

if you’re not comfortable just sending us money, you can also watch this amazon wishlist and send us things we need. Right now, it’s mostly gift cards, but I’ll keep it updated: http://a.co/cRPk3sj

or you can commission some fiction from my boyfriend, details within: http://frreddiestroma.tumblr.com/commissions

lastly, you can support us in our sex work. Both of us stream live, free shows on chaturbate. If that’s not your thing, that’s totally fine, just reblog this post so someone who is interested might see it. If it is your thing, please, tips and private shows help us out so, so very much.

me: https://chaturbate.com/daisyviatrix/ (https://twitter.com/daisy_viatrix) gabriel: https://chaturbate.com/rileysvedka/

[tasia-ghost]

happy fucking birthday, honey (apologies to my mother) let me sing you a punk rock song i hope you don't hold it against me(!) 'cuz there ain't nothing more punk than a tranny with an axe to grind

for one long moment it seemed like nothing could go wrong i was the sun in your dark times and you were the shade under the tree i still remember every time—every hook and eye like the first time from the bedroom to the basement to that not-so-well hidden place we once found in the woods but moments pass and memories fade

it's true i didn't lose you, babe 'cuz i never really had you you clung to me like a perfume real to the senses but always out of reach

and it's not a proper ending if there wasn't ever a beginning just a fistful of middles every ask met with trepidation always waiting and waiting for you

if i don't seem to know you now it's 'cuz i never knew you to start with no, the person i thought i knew would still be here by my side like she promised so where are you now?

no it never really happened it's just a dream i'm still waking up from and soon the memories will fade away so this song is my dream journal but even these words will pass in time like those ones i wrote on the ground in chalk one time—you know (oh you know)

now pain is all that's left of you and i promised i'd not let go i don't make friends or promises lightly so it sticks to me like the lines i wrote in red but you know there's something wrong when you've filled your head with smoke six days counting and you still wanna take a drink the slowest attempt you ever saw

so i gotta turn it in, babe gotta call it off 'fore i'm octopus food there's no sense mourning the death of something that never was there's no should'a beens or would'a beens no who could'a been whose girl the difference between you and me, babe is you're a slut and i'm a whore and i don't give it away for free

so it's time to pay up though i know you can't give back what you stole 'cuz first times like used panties can never be returned but i don't regret even one second dreaming of sugar plums and butter rum 'cuz wherever the mover moves me now it's sure as shit gonna be away from you .

[tasia-ghost]

oh wand'ring soul, you're oh so lost the road did fork, you picked your path and it's led you to worlds unknown

oh wand'ring soul, the road you're on there've been hills and there've been valleys but the view is always scenic

oh wand'ring soul, you're oh so high the road leads to the horizon where the sun is always brightest

oh wand'ring soul, you've no regrets but what lie down that other path is one thing you'll always wonder.

[tasia-ghost]

name etiquette

hello friends! It has been a while now since I settled on my new name and you have all been very good about using it, which is much appreciated. As I’ve become more and more acclimated to the name, I’ve come up with some usage guidelines I’d like to put into place. These are always subject to change, so I’ll try to keep you all up to date.

This first update is in regards to my ever-developing understanding of my own gender. For some history on that point, for the majority of my life after I realized that I wasn’t a boy, I have identified as non-binary. It was only just before starting my medical transition in 2016 that I decidedly identified as a woman, and for a few months after I still used the term non-binary on top of that.

I have used a lot of different non-binary identities; the ones I can remember, in the order that I can remember them, are (scroll to the bottom if you don’t need the history lesson):

genderless/agender: This was the first term I used when I started experimenting with my gender. Something about the simplicity and minimalism of just not having a gender at all appealed to me. At the time, my pronouns were “whatever”, but I began to find myself preferring it when people used “she/her”.

genderqueer: After spending some time trying to pin down my gender more specifically and not being successful, I went for this non-binary umbrella term. I started responding to “they/them” and “ey/em” pronouns as well as “she/her”.

genderfluid: This term began to appeal to me the more and more I found myself identifying as feminine. I also started to only use “she/her” pronouns, as enough time had gone by for me to be certain those felt best.

non-binary girl: In the time leading up to my beginning hormone therapy and then some time after, I spent a majority of my days in “girl mode”, as they say, to the point where I began to wonder if there really was any fluidity to my gender at all and maybe it was just me being hesitant to go “full trans”, so to speak. I still felt some comfort in the “non-binary” identity, and I liked the seeming contradiction of using a binary gender like “girl” and simultaneously identifying as “non-binary”, just to fuck with cis people.

anyway, that leads us to today. For about a month or so now, actually starting almost exactly at the one-year mark for my HRT, I’ve begun to feel that fluidity in my gender again. I started experimenting with “they/them” pronouns and going out in a more androgyne style of dress, instead of the hyper-femme I usually use since trans girls have to be extra girly to be recognized as girls in public.

let’s just say it went well. It felt really good, really right, more so than any time I’d identified as n.b. before. I think a year of hormone therapy to take the boyish edge off my features and give me some nice, plump plums was exactly what I needed to actually feel comfortable queering the gender binary more.

with that in mind, I’ve settled upon the identity of pangender for roughly the same reason as I identify as pansexual: I don’t see a reason to put a lid on all the possibilities. That said, my gender is also fluid, changing by the day, with my pronouns following. Right now I switch between “they/them” and “she/her” depending on how I’m feeling, but I imagine there might be days when other pronouns are also appropriate.

but, to the point, my name etiquette has changed to reflect this new update to my gender.

regardless of my pronouns you can use: Ana Clare: Like usual, this is my everyday name. This is what you should when you introduce me to new people. Ana: The standard shortening, if three syllables is too much for you. Remember it’s not pronounced the same as “Anna”!

when I am using she/her pronouns you can use: Anastasia: Formal. Pretty. Remember it’s “ah-nah-stah-si-ah”, not “an-uh-stay-shuh”. Tasia: Standard shortening of above. See pronunciation above too. I like this one, more people should use it.

when I am using they/them pronouns you can use: AC or Ace: Two syllables. One syllable. Whatever floats your boat, friend. Thank Gabe for the “Ace” version, very slick and very neutral. Tas: Another shortening of a shortening. I like this one. I dunno.

thanks to all of you for being supportive and reading this post! Have a nice day.

~ AC (Post-script: since AC is also my initials, I’ll probably still use it to sign things, regardless of the pronouns of the day~~)

Last updated: 15 October 2017

[tasia-ghost]

the five Divine aspects.

My relationship with religion is a long and complicated one. I was raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian environment. The sort of Christianity that teaches things about how evolution is a lie fabricated by godless scientists so they can justify living sinful lives, that gay people will go to hell for their sin and should not be given the right to marry, that the Biblical account of Creation is a literal retelling and the Earth is only several thousand years old. I believed in all of it, not because I'd had any kind of spiritual experience, but because that's all I'd ever been taught. When every single person you know believes in something, you grow up with no real reason to doubt it.

As it turns out, though, this results in a very flimsy sort of conviction. My faith was a fragile house of cards, because the fundamentalist doctrine relies on all-or-nothing thinking in order to produce unquestioning, devout drones. I was told that every single thing that I'd been taught must be true, that no compromises were allowed. You couldn't believe in evolution and still be a Christian. You couldn't believe in the Big Bang and still be a Christian. You couldn't find a place in your heart to accept homosexuality and still be a Christian. God was perfect and his Bible was also perfect, so if even one part of it was found to be wrong, then the whole thing might as well be. That's what I was taught.

So of course, like a balloon, it only took one puncture to blow the whole thing up. The specific hole wasn't relevant. It could have and eventually would have been anything. The point is that the house of cards fell down in one fell swoop. My loss of faith wasn't gradual, but quick and sudden. The only logical place to go was to the opposite extreme, so I became a faithless skeptic with no taste for any kind of religion or spirituality. That is a place I occupied for many years.

The worldview of a faithless skeptic is not so drab and hopeless as it might seem to one affected by religion or spirituality. At least, I never saw it as such. The world, even without supernatural influence, is a beautiful thing all by itself. I found elegance and hope in the way that the natural laws of physics came together to create all this beauty. Evolution was a fascination well beyond any divine intervention. The idea that we came to be over eons of evolution, slowly carving our place into the world, is much more exciting than the thought that some faceless entity snapped their fingers and we just appeared as-is.

And I found hope in the fact that the Universe, as I saw it, was inherently meaningless and deterministic. There was nothing more hopeless in my mind then the thought that I could have been created with some built-in meaning by some other being, some standard outside of myself that I had to live up to. A slave with no true free will of my own. Instead, I saw a world where I was free to create and design my own meaning. Where, in some sense, I was the Goddess or Creator of my own world. What could be more hopeful than striving for a meaning, a purpose of your own design?

In recent times, my focus on the hopefulness and beauty of the world around me has softened my hard, skeptical edge that only found meaning in science and facts. I have come to see the Universe as something much more malleable, perhaps even personal. Science and facts are still important, of course, and are the only source of objective truth. But I have started to find value in subjectivity as well. After all, science is the study of the Universe as a Real Thing, but to what extent is the Universe really Real? The only thing that I can know exists for sure are my experiences. It is my experiences that are my reality, and my experiences are moulded by my subjective perspective.

If you experience it, it is real in the only way that anything can be real. And, in another sense, if our experiences are our reality then believing in something makes it real.

My worldview began to show up in my writing, stories of a world where the very nature of reality was called into question, where the only thing that was sure was the reality of experience. Where the Creator, the Prime Mover, was a fickle and arbitrary creature. A true spirit of randomness and chaos, giving humans no expectation of love or kindness. Because what other kind of deity could have created this messed-up world we live in?

For a while I looked into religion. I found many bits and pieces of various religions I liked, such as Buddhism, Jainism, LaVeyan Satanism, and Neopaganism. But no whole religion really quite resonated with me. So I began to vaguely identify as a "witch" following a nonspecific "queer witchcraft". And then I thought...why not just make my own religion? I have plenty of ideas, all religions are human-made anyway, and that was the only way to be sure I'd have a religion that I agree with completely.

So I started a new project, which developed into an as-of-yet unnamed eclectic hedonistic witchcraft.

The basic tenets of this religion are simple. Reality is experience. The Universe is governed by randomness and arbitrarity. Our place in it is to find our own meaning, follow our own purpose, and blaze our own path through our lives. This religion emphasizes self-worship (hedonism, or the pursuit of pleasure and happiness) and condemns self-deprivation (the asceticism promoted as holy by many religions in the form of fasting and abstinence).

And like many religions, this one has a concept of Divinity. I have separated Divinity into five aspects, such as could be symbolically represented by the five points on a pentagram. A universal property of the Divine, common to all five aspects, is that Divinity is inherently Feminine, and Femininity is inherently Divine. Divinity is self-embodied, as each of us is the Goddess of our own world and our own life, so the five aspects are the things that separate us, the Divine, from that which is not.

The first aspect of the Divine is Chaos, embodied by the figure of the Mover or Lady Luck. A parallel figure you could relate the Mover to is Eris, from the Greek pantheon. The Mover is also the Creatrix, the motive force behind the creation of the universe and all change and evolution. She is Chaos, she is Discord, she is Strife, she is Change, she is Luck, she is Randomness, she is Time. The Mover is associated with the Sun, the source of all energy on Earth that drives living processes. Like the Sun, the Mover blesses all things equally and arbitrarily, giving no heed to the personal details of our lives. This Goddess is wild and undirected, but consistent and unyielding. Prayer to the Mover is futile, as she does not bend to any will. In our lives, we embody the Chaotic aspect of the Divine by being creative and passionate.

The second aspect of the Divine is Vitality, embodied by the figure of Mother Nature. Another parallel figure taken from the Greek pantheon would be Gaia. She is Life, she is Growth, she is Order, she is Fertility. The Mother is associated with the Earth, which provides for and nurtures all life. Life stands in direct defiance of natural state of things in the Universe to decay into a static, uniform distribution. Nature takes the disordered, chaotic energy given to it by the Mover and gives it order in the form of work and function. As Nature is Divine, and we are a part of Nature, so are we Divine. We are to respect the Earth and Mother Nature, for to show disrespect to our Divine Mother is blasphemy. Simply by living and growing and thriving we embody the Vital aspect, putting energy to work and staving off the emptiness of the void of space.

The third aspect of the Divine is Magic, embodied by the figure of the Wanderess or Viatrix. To continue the theme of using figures from the Greek pantheon, she is Hekate the Goddess of Witchcraft. The Wanderess is Meaning, Purpose, Wisdom, and Exploration. She is the Goddess both of literal and figurative journeys; she represents our desire not just to travel and see the world, but to find our own way in the world and to forge a path through our lives. She represents our desire to find a meaning and a purpose for ourselves. The Wanderess is associated with the Moon and is the Goddess governing divination and spells, which are therefore more powerful under the full moon. Witchcraft is just one of many ways to generate meaning from chaos, to cast pale moonlight upon the path ahead of us. We embody the Magical aspect of the Divine by stoking our desire to explore and find meaning and truth in the world around us, never growing complacent.

These three aspects can be overlapped with the Triple Goddess, a Wiccan tradition consisting of a Maiden (in this case, Eris), a Mother (our Gaia), and a Crone (Hekate). The Maiden represents youth, beginnings, and enthusiasm. The Mother represents sexuality, stability, and life. The Crone represents wisdom, endings, and ultimately death. But I'm not done—I have two more aspects to describe to you. As with the previous three, I am going to use figures from existing religions as a way of giving form to these aspects. These two figures are traditionally considered masculine but, remember, Divinity is inherently Feminine in this religion. These next two Goddesses also have a Wiccan parallel in the form of the Horned God, although in Wicca the Horned God is explicitly the Masculine half of divinity (with the Goddesss or Triple Goddess being the Feminine half).

The fourth aspect of the Divine is Worship, embodied by the figure of the faun Pan from the Greek pantheon. Pan represents self-worship in the form of hedonism, the pursuit of pleasure and happiness. Remember that in this religion, Divinity is embodied by the Self, so to worship the Divine is to worship oneself. One is encouraged to embody the Worshipful aspect by seeking out whatever things in life will make them happy, whether that is simple pleasures such as food, drink, and sex or more involved pleasures such as academic or artistic achievement. However, remember that all people are part of the Divine and deserving of worship; we are called upon to do what we can to make others happy as well.

Just as there is worship of the Divine, there is also blasphemy. Blasphemy takes two forms; the first is asceticism, that is, self-deprivation. Many religions uphold abstinence, in the form of fasting or chastity, as a form of holiness or faith. However, this is blasphemy against the Divine Self. Another form of blasphemy is to commit harm against another human being, as all humans embody the Divine. Just as we are to worship ourselves as Divine, we should show the same worship and respect to all Divinity.

The fifth and final aspect of the Divine is Defiance, embodied by the figure of Satan from the Christian religion. Satan, as an aspect of the Horned Goddess, represents defiance against not just organized religion but all forms of power and coercion. She is Deviancy, Anarchy, Rebellion, Freedom, Liberation, and Self-Determination. This Goddess is canonically transgender and thus also represents the inherent struggle and resistance of the underprivileged against their oppressors, specifically queer and trans folk whose very life and existence is a revolt against cisheteronormativity. Embodiment of the Defiant aspect is to take charge of one's own life and path, never bow down to a higher power than oneself, and challenge all norms.

The decision to use Satan as a figure, a traditionally male figure who serves as the antagonist of the Christian mythos and typically represents evil is a deliberately defiant choice. An example is drawn from LaVeyan Satanism, an atheistic occult religion that uses the figure of Satan in a similar fashion. In Christianity, Satan represents sin, often in the form of indulgence (such as with the cardinal or "seven deadly" sins). Originally one of God's greatest angels, Satan dared to defy God and consider himself an equal, getting himself cast out of heaven.

In conclusion, I have no conclusion to this lengthy diatribe, but I assure you that you will be hearing more about this whenever I get around to writing it.

[tasia-ghost]

“I was a ghost.

“I was a ghost, just a delicate wisp, and I wondered why…

“I poured my heart and soul into every interaction. I poured it all out on the pavement, in that time long past, when I was a ghost and lived an invisible death. But you saw me, you saw me and brought me back to life.

“Until that time I merely floated on the currents of the astral river, my torn and tattered gossamer soul carried wherever the Mover moved me. But when She led me to choppy waters and the ride became turbulent you were there to harbor me from the storm.

“And I wondered why…

“I was a ghost and my mercurial heart was molten. If I would open it up it would all pour out. And I did and it would and so I poured my whole heart into every interaction. Every new love was all or nothing—there was no pouring it out halfway. So I loved as deeply and verdantly as I ever did.

“As I gave you mine so you gave me yours, an aurulent heart of buttercream and angel food. And I took it, and I loved it, and I promised to take care of it—my sweet cupcake. And my love was all or nothing. I’d harbor you in times of troubled waters, just as you did me.

“And I wondered why.

“I was a ghost, made of tissue paper and pink cotton candy. When the rain came I’d dissolve and my volatile heart would spill. But you were always there, with an umbrella and a spoon, to scoop it all back up again. To tell me it would be okay.

“And I was a ghost, and a wandering soul, and a heart of quicksilver that couldn’t be contained. I was never lost but I was often found, and not always by you. But you knew as many times as I poured out my heart it was always full, and my soul never wandered far from you.

“But I wondered…why.

“I was a ghost and my heart was always full. I wanted to pour my heart and soul into every interaction. And if I could have I would have. My heart was always full and there was enough, there was always enough. But other hearts were more sparing than mine, made of minerals more rare and highly valued.

“I was a ghost and you were not and eventually the astral currents would carry me away from you. And I knew you couldn’t come with me so I gave you back your sponge cake heart, with a dollop of cream and a cherry on top.

“No, I never meant to do you wrong and my heart will always be full to the brim for you. And as I drifted off and you let me slip away I wondered,

“Again,

“Why.

“I’m just a finespun sheet in the wind, a discarded receipt or a used napkin, a fragile sponge of sterile gauze. I never did ask for anyone’s heart. I never did know what to do with it, other than to keep it close and keep it safe. Why would someone like you, trust someone like me, with something so valuable?

“And I go back to that time, when my heart and soul were poured out on the ground. When the rains came they washed it all away, as if those words had never been written.

“Well, the rains came again the other night. Like sugar floss and meringue I melted away. For one moment I was a ghost again, and my silken heart poured out on the floor.

“I saw the words they wrote and I knew the truth they bore was there all along.

“And I knew why.”