talkingtomyselves

[talkingtomyselves]

I think i've managed to go on walks. Four times this week? I overdid it a little because i got to scary tired again yesterday, but i just took it slowly getting started today and i didn't crash. I had breakfast, took the metro and met a friend, took my time making a low effort lunch and i paid attention to the tv. I walked home after and ate the veggie wok meal i made last night. Then i made banana bread and watched some youtube! Sure the baking took about three times as long as it needed to, but still! I felt awake enough to use the oven and i was awake enough to follow a recipe and a youtube video. And i managed to eat and enjoy non blended fruit for the first time in like two weeks, plus vegetables! I cooked some apple pieces with cinnamon as a breakfast side and in the stir fry there are onions, carrots, broccoli, bell peppers and mushrooms. and i had some cucumber during lunch with my friend. the plan for tomorrow is to go to uni and work on my thesis a little. I don't know if that will work out, but i think i can at least make a plan.

[talkingtomyselves]

Emdr was een shitshow deze week. Ben eigenlijk doodsbang dat ik voor de derde nacht op een rij weer constant bang ben en nachtmerries heb. Ik ben fucked up maar ik weet dus niet eens of het echt is of niet. Het is prima. Of ik later een leven kan opbouwen waar ik niet dood door wil is geen probleem voor nu. In ieder geval heb ik iets gecreëerd om mee te werken. Ik heb:

-vrienden

-hopelijk een diploma, straks

-hobby's

-een redelijk stel hersens zelfs met alle trauma en stoornissen

-nog een paar jaar recht op stufi

Wil ik die master? Nee. Maar ik denk niet dat ik later spijt ga hebben dat ik het wel heb gedaan, ook al maak ik hem niet af. Ik heb met een master nog een paar jaar een dak boven mn hoofd. Maakt niet uit dat ik het werk na de studie waarschijnlijk nooit aan ga kunnen.

Ik hoop dat ik ooit keuzes kan maken op basis van wat ik wil, in plaats van overleven.

[talkingtomyselves]

So i wasn't suicidal yesterday. That was nice!

[talkingtomyselves]

Hier zijn we weer in het nieuwe jaar! Heb besloten om dit jaar weer een mood tracker bij te houden. Ik merk dat ik steeds meer goeie dagen heb ook al voel ik me klote. Ik ben af en toe vrolijk te noemen, zelfs. Gisteren was over het algemeen goed. Ik heb het grootste gedeelte van de dag taskmasker uk gekeken en gebreid. Ik ben wanten aan het breien met konijnen erop. Ik heb helaas het garen al minimaal acht keer op de naalden gezet en we gaan morgen voor nummer negen, maar ik denk dat ik er eindelijk uit ben met 48 steken. Vandaag was oké maar ik was erg emotioneel en ik was tot na de lunch af en aan aan het janken over trauma. Ik had het kunnen zien aankomen, ik heb dit altijd als mn moeder een paar dagen weg is en ik dus de tijd heb om emoties te voelen. Ergens wel productief. Voor de rest ben ik naar de winkel geweest en heb ik aardappelschotel en bloemkoolsoep gemaakt. En ik heb koekjes gebakken en bolletjes deeg ingevroren.

[talkingtomyselves]

11 pm. Re: potential 6th failed attempt at therapy?

So the conversation i had with my therapist two days ago was kind of fucked. And first sent me into a spiral of feeling like i was bad at therapy. But then it registered that she said some weird fucking things to me. Like how kids are "pure"(retching sounds) and "can feel when someone is safe" (kind of hilarious to say to a child abuse victim). I wanted to talk about how scary it is to me that kids have zero agency and how i worry about the kids in my life. And then it got turned into "kids need people who have authority over them" and also "kids instinctively trust people because they're Pure and can Sense Your Vibe." Like. Most child abuse isn't inflicted by parents. Also, it made me feel like it was my fault for getting abused as a child because i hadn't magically vibe checked my abusers well enough? It was even more confusing because she went on about kids Knowing when someone is Bad and also kids needing authority to protect them. Like which is it? Pick a side.

And when i started saying that i did basically raise myself so clearly kids are capable of bearing responsibilities i got the "but look how traumatized you are" lecture. First of all i never said it was /good/ for me to run the household and keep myself and my mom alive for years as a kid. I just said i managed it well. And besides that, it would 100% have been better for my brain development if i'd been completely on my own. And she didn't even help me with my initial question of "can i please learn a way to make my flashbacks less intense."

I also feel like i'm getting pushed into emdr? Like, i'm fine with it because i trust my friend who said it helped them. But when my therapist asked what i expected from the treatment i said i hoped it would make the ptsd mild enough to manage. And then i got called cynical because i didn't believe the ptsd would completely go away? It was especially strange bc the therapist i'm going to do the emdr with made a point to warn me that it's not a magical cure. But my therapist keeps acting like this is the only treatment and kept dismissing my concerns with "you just have to do it anyway" even when i had already agreed to try it.

My therapist also used the case of a man who got tortured for a week for political activism as an example of a patient of hers who got rid of the flashbacks. I'm sorry but like. What the fuck does that have to do with me? Like, i'm sorry that guy had to go through that. I'm glad he's doing better now. But like. That's a singular event. That he went through as an adult. When he knew the risks and Chose to do it anyway. I'm not trying to say that my stuff is worse because i have no idea what he went through. But it's different? She knows i was raped for years as a child, and that that's besides the other insane stuff i had to undergo in the meantime. I don't think the situations are comparable. And all that story did was make me wish that my traumatic past could be reduced to like, one really horrible week.

It was such a weird conversation and i have no idea how to fix this next time? Like, besides asking her what the thought process was there. I kind of wish i was tired during the therapy session bc then i could at least feel like maybe i just misunderstood? But unfortunately i was awake and feeling fine. God i had just started to trust her too. But i don't know how to talk this out? Like either she meant it and she's not qualified to help me. Or she just... Does not think about her words at all or maybe she thinks i'm exaggerating my stories. Which also means she's not qualified to help me.

Good luck to me i guess.

[talkingtomyselves]

okay. It's 1 am. And i cannot fucking sleep because.... i had positive human interaction. And of course i'm screwed up enough that that activated my fight or flight response. At least i don't want to hurt myself for it. But who knows maybe that will come tomorrow :)

[talkingtomyselves]

today was good! i hung out with friends and we made cheesecake. i stayed longer than planned but they told me how much fun they had! and when i walked home at 10 i was normal tired instead of exhausted!

[talkingtomyselves]

just woke up and i can already tell today is going to be bad. I think i must have dreamed something bc i am in a csa trigger. Just going to take it easy today and hope i feel better by tonight.

[talkingtomyselves]

so i have a cold. and i’m a bit weepy about the whole thing but nothing scary! it also feels wild to be able to display symptoms at home. my mom isn’t offering to make me tea or anything but if i was coughing and resting like this when i was thirteen she would have skinned me alive. It feels… good. To not be afraid of that anymore. i had this last semester too, when i was fully on my own for half a year and i caught a cold. I just started crying because it was safe to have cold symptoms and feel under the weather and allow myself to sleep.

i also haven’t had csa nightmares in a while. Or no bad ones, at least. And even those have been infrequent and not detailed. It fucking sucked feeling exhausted but also being terrified of sleep. It looks like things are taking a turn for the better for a bit!

[talkingtomyselves]

it's 11:03 pm i want to go to sleep but unfortunately i'm too afraid of having nightmares again to relax. last night i didn't have any and now it feels like tonight they're going to be worse than usual to even it out. but today was a big depression day so i'm hoping the exhaustion helps me out here. ✌️ godspeed

[talkingtomyselves]

I don't need to be broken or fixed to be worth something

[talkingtomyselves]

-Introduction

Hi. I'm intending for this to be a journal of some kind. I have always meant to keep one, but i don't have the energy to start a real one. So i figured since i'm always on that damn phone, i might as well do it here. Stay tuned and enjoy the mental illness or whatever