talesoftim - Tumblr blog

[talesoftim]

aparently in the latest fantastic 4 comics johnny storm has been in a relationship with an alien, and that would be pretty standard affair for marvel heroes, right.

except someone at marvel with fucking balls of steel and the biggest brain in the known universe made the alien look... actually alien

this is the greatest thing ive seen in my life, is almost enough to make me want to read the comic

[talesoftim]

did you know that the well-known factoid that male anglerfishes degenerate after attachment until they’re basically just a pair of testes is false? i knew of course that they don’t just become “growths” on the female because I’ve handled dozens of attached pairs and every male I’ve ever seen has been very much obviously a whole and complete second fish, but I sort of assumed there was internal degeneration, perhaps muscle atrophy, etc. i can’t believe no one ever corrected me on this but this just doesn’t happen. in obligatorily parasitic species, the male actually continues to grow and increases considerably in size after he attaches to the female, because the two of them can only reach sexual maturity together. me, an octavia butler fan: is this the height of romance??

what is true is that attached males do have hugely enlarged testes proportionate to the rest of their bodies & organs, and that they receive all nutrition from the female’s bloodstream so their stomachs are always empty, though their own gills seem to still be functional, as are their fins and muscles—you can even induce movement and swimming motions on recently dead attached males. I can only assume that at some point someone said that basically the only biological function a male anglerfish needs to perform is sperm production and this got taken out of context and luridly exaggerated over time. he’s not just a pair of testicles! he’s her forever partner! one flesh one end!

[talesoftim]

[talesoftim]

genie i wish that guy over there had all his limbs removed. second wish i wish he gets sent to the deepest part of hell for like a minute. last wish bring him back here fully restored with no memory of any of that. yup im sure i want those to be my wishes.

[talesoftim]

i think i could be trusted with The Book That Kills People from the classic manga series "No One Can Be Trusted With Power Of The Book That Kills People" imho

[talesoftim]

Put the Slender Man in your campaign.

Look, I know, he's old news, but have a heart! He last got work like ten years ago, and he just needs one solid gig to get him back on his feet. He can still do the static thing, you know! Remember that? That was so cool in 2009! Everyone loved the static thing, right?

He doesn't have to be the Big Bad or anything, he'll settle for being a mook or random encounter. He spends all his time rewatching Marble Hornets and crying these days, just give him a cameo or something. One last hurrah for the guy who used to be the Big Name of internet horror. What do you say?

[talesoftim]

after nearly 2 years of near continuous isolation from the global pandemic i can say that the guy from the shining was a bitch i could do his job and not try to kill my wife and son. i havent tried to kill my wife once and ive spent way longer going insane

[talesoftim]

[talesoftim]

[talesoftim]

House drugged that coffee btw

[talesoftim]

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Greetings. Tim's partner has now opened commissions for art and art like objects.

If you'd like to support a friend of the blog, it's much appreciated, but reblogs are great too.

-Nemo

[talesoftim]

Hey so fun new scam just dropped! I got a call earlier today from someone spoofing the local police department's desk number, asking me if there was a reason I'd missed my jury summons this morning.

Friends, I had not received a jury summons for this month. Which I told him, at which point his previously clear diction suddenly turned into a rapid mumble, only becoming clear for scary words like 'federal' and then asking to confirm my address, at which point I hung up and decided to call the police department later.

When I called the police department the desk officer sounded so tired y'all. All I had to say was "Hey I got a call earlier saying I missed jury duty this morning?" and she immediately sighed and told me that yes it was a scam that was going around and thanked me for calling to confirm.

So this is your periodic reminder that law enforcement agencies will not call you to tell you that you're in trouble. If you need to pay a fine of some sort they will mail you a physical invoice. Anyone calling you saying they're from the police or any other law enforcement organization (up to the CIA and yes I have heard of scammers attempting to impersonate CIA agents over the phone) who then tries to get financial information from you over the phone is a scammer.

I know I actually bang on about this a weird amount, but it is my fervent hope that the information will stick in peoples' brains if they get randomly selected for the adrenaline spike lottery. Scammers use scary words to get you to panic in order to shut down your critical thinking, and if even one person's brain spits out "Tumblr user waterhobbit said the cops/CIA/federal marshalls don't call about this shit" before their bank account routing number is in the hands of assholes I will consider it a job well done.

[talesoftim]

My guilty pleasure right now is watching luxury hotel reviews and I found this british guy who keeps accidentally clipping into the backrooms.

He's unintentionally making the best liminal horror content on youtube

[talesoftim]

My psychic gf: we are getting dunkin donuts right i can see we're getting dunkin donuts very soon we are approaching the threshold of the timeline dunkin is reaching 90% likelihood can you feel it

Me: you know i can't fucking drive with you flashing 8k resolution images of donuts into my fucking head right

Boug Walker on my windshield:

[talesoftim]

What if she had been telling the truth? What if I really was someone else? Someone beautiful and powerful. Someone buried alive and suffocating to death. Very far away, on the other side of the television screen.

I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun

[talesoftim]

omg imagine being born and you are on a spaceship and everyone aboard is sooo so mad at you just because you burst out of some guy's chest to be born. like um sorry i've not been alive before i didn't even know that's not allowed please be nice to me um the spaceship floor is cold is no one going to knit me some little booties i am calling child protective services