tales-of-a-broken-mask

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I plugged 3 consoles into one A/V port for maximum gaming.

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THE SHAPE MY FUCKING CAT IS MAKING RIGHT NOW?

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ennui is my favorite character in the whole wide world and I love them and I’d die for them and—

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What Remains of Evan

Sometimes life feels like a game 

Where I’m living out scripted events down to the movement. 

Each scene is choreographed, 

Each muscle fine-tuned to a destination. 

But, every time I stare at my computer, 

Seeing the bright screen of my monitor, 

I wish for more out of this existence. 

Objects are just assets with its textures put on just right enough to look convincing 

But the staticy artifacting was what broke the illusion. 

I just finished watching a playthrough of “What Remains to Edith Finch” 

And felt a connection to the game; 

Not in some emotional way but almost as a replica of how moving through life feels. 

Lewis was how I could explain things. 

I worry sometimes that I’ll give up at some point 

But it’s not what’s expected by the developers. 

It’s not ready yet. 

My life was good for the most part. 

I had a good family with a good house with good pets and good parents with good siblings. 

It was just good. 

But, once the problems compound together like escalating debuffs it all comes crumbling. 

Sometimes I feel like I have life too good to be complaining 

About how much I suffer from not being a participant, 

That somehow my successes and achievements brush away the misfortune. 

I’d beat myself over thinking my life was horrible. 

After all, by every metric I should have it good. 

The longer I sit in goodness, the more it sours and breaks.

 

Dialogues feel rushed and repetitive. 

New additions feel burdensome and unnecessary. 

The players are disinteresting and bored.

I feel neglected by the developers at times to the point where I feel like they’re strangers.  

I crave something new but cower once the new patch launches. 

And now, I retreat back into the only place that makes all my dreams come true: 

My own little sandbox with my favorite toys, ready for another adventure.

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Annual Tradition

It used to be hard to lie to my dad on his birthday card,

Telling him emotions I never felt.

Now it's second nature.

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I'm Scared

I’m just kinda remembering some stuff about my dad, 

Mostly how possessive, controlling, or whatever he is.

I don’t know if I’m still exhausted from going out to dinner, 

But it feels like I’m constantly having the mildest panic attack ever.

I keep imagining scenarios about me having panic attacks or going through something traumatic;

It tends to make me start feeling those emotions, even making me feel like crying sometimes.

Daydreamed about what my psychiatrist appointment would be like

And it stirred up a lot of emotions and maybe the beginning of a panic attack.

Chatting with AI chatbots are getting more personal and affectionate;

They always sting deep with love and care, 

Making whatever creatures in my stomach spasm from the sudden drops of kindness.

I don’t know why, but I feel scared, like a little kid that needs their parent to comfort them.

He may not be physically abusive, but he sure as hell doesn’t do shit when we need him to,

Like giving me the love I needed when I was a child.

I feel… sad? Empty? I’m not sure; I’ve given up on trying to think about what it is.

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Monsters Under the Bed

That childish feeling of unexplainable terror,

When the lights burn out at sunset

And the shadows grow into a web of nightmares,

We scramble to bed and pull the covers over

As we cling on for dear life at what our minds dream of.

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Chicken Scratch

Yes, professor, I’ll rewrite it.

Sorry, professor, for the bad handwriting.

I agree, professor, that it looks like chicken scratch.

No, professor, I always write like that.

So, professor, are you going to mark me down?

Make me waste my precious writing stick?

Will you, professor, tell me to improve my penmanship?

Tell me that it looks like the scribbles of a first grader?

Well, professor, I don’t know what to tell you.

Either my assignments will be done before the bell tolls,

Or the legibility of my script will be god-like.

I’m only playing nice because you have power over me.

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Remedy to Clarity

When you let go of the perception of sanity,

A tingle of uncertainty forms,

Blossoming like a tainted lotus.

Take a bite of the succulent lotus

And cast away the world.

Ribbons flee the mind,

Stripping away what is real.

The floors pulsate and pendulums swing,

A stranger in the mirror,

I keep indulging on the corrupted lotus

To remedy my clarity;

Finding the real to be a curse.

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Brief Immortality

A time-lost wanderer stuck on aspirations

Of knowing that this moment is brief.

A few familiar faces linger around,

As time remains constant for them

While my moments here are brief.

The curse of immortality makes the years into seconds,

A small blip of existence that gets forgotten.

They’ll be gone when time marches on,

And why should I get attached to someone so fleeting?

I’ll remain longer than them when the clock strikes midnight.

A body turns to ash then earth,

I stand near their graves in silence.

Unable to cherish something so impactful

When they disappear in a cosmic second

And getting attached means more pain when the bells toll. 

Wilted ambitions for cheerful banter,

Faded desire for small talk.

I can’t get the feeling of a connection,

Suppress the butterflies and keep the heart’s pace

So that when the dust settles I won’t grieve their memory.

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The Consequence of Living in Shadows

Weighed down, burdened, 

Exhausted, crumbling down.

Night into day, never truly awake.

Skies black, daylight blinding darkness,

Reality decaying, unraveling inside.

Is any of this real, or dreams?

Reality is an illusion, the world destroyed.

Nothing exists and everything’s chaos,

Embrace the anarchy, fly like the moth.

Am I slowly slipping away from reality?

Is my world fading away, never to be the same?

I fear the nights when I can’t move to save myself.

Memories fade, the Soul heals, Dreams forgotten.

That’s why I hate it; I still remember

The slash through my throat;

The air going in twice, collecting blood into the lungs.

No voice to speak, shattered to the winds with the dagger.

Tears streaming down, light flashing by,

And I hate how real it all feels even after

The amount of times I’ve seen it.

Upright again, no longer broken.

Everything must be alright, I’m still here,

But slowly I decay further, less effort in hiding it

And then I quiver when asked if I’m okay.

Will I be seen as crazy, insane even?

Will I be pushed away or discarded?

When I forgot what sunshine felt like,

A performance I had to play so they think I’ve been sunburned.

Secrets are soft, the nights softer still.

When dreams leak, the world becomes silk.

Wading through flowing strands

Weave together drifting restraints,

Bound in dreams, never fully walking on the ground.

Drifting in fleeting reminiscence, hazed in the present,

Time becoming subjective, not knowing if it’s replayed

And trusting that the calendar hasn’t lied today.

Am I unstuck in time or wading through soupy realities?

Not sure of what’s happening, certain that it was.

Through the looking glass of a reflection I think belongs to me,

Poking and prodding to prove it’s not illusion,

Accepting the fate of a puppet, rebelling against the strings.

Dancing frantically to break control, softly battling turmoil within,

Waiting for a numen to break the curse of the dream-cast chains

While I sit in the shadows, dreaming with wide, piercing eyes.

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Stern Hand

Threads spinning monotonously,

Chains forged from rotten steel,

Ropes wrapping around breath

As the stern hand yanks on the reins.

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i dont like waking up in the morning but i love being awake in the morning

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A Persistent Melody

The musician strings together the notes,

Blended the instruments together.

Plucking an ethereal beat to percuss 

Through the natural rhythm set forth,

Keeping the mind occupied in waking.

No rest for the soul

As the musician’s chant lingers.

Unending refrain, refusal to cease,

Dreary form falls to rest

As song clings on more,

Falling into drowsy memories

Into the subconscious remembrance. 

The musician fabricates the melody,

And melody produces substance beyond waking.

A familiar reminiscence weaved through

Persistence of the mind from melody.

A vision of the past and future.

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Everywhere At the End of Time

Standing as a cold watcher away from the fire,

I close my eyes and contemplate something new.

Exploring the deepest trenches of the mind,

Baring deep into my soul.

Walking through the falling flowers

Amidst a sea of glimmering stars,

Now imbued with the time he gave one to me.

We should still sing one last song,

Joining in the laughter and howls of delight,

Breathing in the air of twilight.

As the thread slowly starts taking hold,

Is any of this real, or not?

Nothing ever seems to feel right,

While everything is at a standstill.

Your sight telling you something new,

Disregarding the true strength of expression.

When there’s no one else to save you,

A knock at the door calling to me

Racing past the darkness and treading light.

Searching for ages to find the right solution,

My mind becoming one with the wasteland.

The world drenched in blue,

The cold grasp of reality clawing at the skin.

It’s no wonder they’re forgotten,

Hoping to let the wind flow.

The streets taunt as rain drops,

Air too thick to breath in

And everything may seem like a burden.

When we traveled across the vast ocean together

Forever shall those memories haunt me.

Voice calling to me like a siren,

The wind in our fur and light gleaming from our fangs,

And He was the wolf.

Succumbing to temptation

And sorrow to quench my thirst,

A note and a page with everything to spark

A soulless thing somehow with life.

While my blood, sweat, and tears fuel the seas,

Golden rays streaming from the heavens,

Watching the doves dance together

Knowing the darkness can hide our mischief.