takemetomorrowandbeyond

[takemetomorrowandbeyond]

2020-06-07

im so fucking stupid. the only thing i can do to make myself feel better is to hit myself but even then it doesn’t last long enough. my family is right. i am just a dumbass and i don’t deserve anything i have.

im such a fucking crybaby. like a week ago i was suicidal again and yesterday was fine. i cant seem to do anything right and i miss my friends. megan invited me to her house bc she has a new hottub that she and ravayn are gonna swimmie in but i said no because im an insecure fatass and made an excuse about being too fat and not having any swimsuits that fit me. it’s partially true. i only have 4 swim things. one is shorts because insecure and 2 are just tops. only one is a full one piece and ive had it since i was little when i used to do swimming at the y. i dont know why i had it then because it was meant for people my age now and i was in 2nd grade then.  it probably stil fit me even then because ive always been incredibly fat. 

i miss my friends. i dont know when school ends but i hope its soon because im so tired of doing work. corona is a bitch but it isnt that bad really. theres a low chance of me dying if i get it but i hope i do die. that’ll be nice. i wrote this in the notes on my phone but it’s not like anyone is actually going to miss me lmaooooooooooooooooooo. itd be funny as fuck seeing them trying to bust out crocodile tears and failing to do so at my funeral because they just cant be bothered to give a shit. i don’t care though. i’ve accepted that nobody will actually ever love me. 

you can thank miss ezri for that!! bitch is trying to fake being trans by dressing up as a fuckboy lmao who does she think shes fooling.  the amount of transtrenders at my school is astonishing and im not surprised she joined them 💅💅💅💅💅 she always was a manipulative liar and she’s just doing what she does best. can’t believe ravyn still likes her. i know shes trying to get over her too because she’s dating The Most Desperate girl ever, emma as a rebound. they wont last long, maybe a couple months at most.  really funny how theyre dating too considering the last time any of us heard ravyn talk about her it was her complaining about how emma was being desperate on her instagram story after riley/megan broke up with her because emma was being toxic and clingy lmaoooo. ravyn should know better but shes probably lonely bc of corona so i’ll give her a pass.

i don’t even care how bitchy i sound writing this because thats just who i am and nothing is going to change that. besides, when i started writing this i was all crying and shit and now i feel fine. issa vent. wonder if future me is gonna find this blog and be like “wow i was such a shithead back then good thing im better now” no bitch you arent. you probably doing the same shit right now. its not gonna change sis!!! just accept that nobody is gonna love or care about you and stop trying to convince yourself otherwise!! don’t take other people’s shit and think it’s true. listen. Nobody is going to love you, not now, not in the future, certainly not in the past has anyone ever loved you or even liked you for that matter. just accept it and if you find the time, do yourself a favour and kill yourself.

[takemetomorrowandbeyond]

2020-02-02

the scale i have is broken af but im ~165 pounds and 5′6 and a half rn and according to google im a size 10 n dresses and my mom. bought a size 8 dress but the dress is really pretty so i wanna wear it for grad but. size 8′s are like 10-15 pounds smaller than me so now i have to figure out if i wanna Do That just for the dress and i am. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i’ve always had trouble with how Fat i am but idk if i can lose all the weight in 3-4 months, especially since im shit at sticking to a diet or a set amount of calories per day :pensive:

[takemetomorrowandbeyond]

2020-01-30

sometimes when i look at my face in the mirror, it doesn’t look human to me. like i’m staring at the face of an alien trying to blend into society or something. like how benedict cumberbatch looks like an alien but there's something there that made teenage girls 5 years ago all over him. there isn’t any deeper meaning to this all though. i just don't look... correct? there’s something off about my face and i don’t know what. maybe i’m just too fat. but, recently i haven’t felt quite so strange and off-putting when i look at myself, which is great because Monday is when i get my grad photo taken. 

a certain classmate keeps reminding me i have a mustache (but only this week has he actually started??? saying it aloud??? has he been thinking this for a while now? why pick now to bash me about it?) which fucking sucks bc i can’t control how dark my hair is. other girls don’t even have to shave their face every month bc their hair is so light you can't even see it. i’m gonna shave this weekend though. gotta make sure the fuckin photographers don’t berate me about my ugly ass face too. good thing tomorrow is a PA day and today there’s no school because of the strike. i won't have to go out in public at all this weekend if nothing comes up, and usually nothing does. that’ll give me time to heal in case i scratch myself with the razor while shaving. 

I also went to ravyn’s house yesterday, i watched like 1/5 of finding dory and 2/3 of the incredibles with her, of course after she was like “how the FRICK have u never seen these movies”. skoll, her big doggus was there and the only cat that stayed to let me pet him was mohawk, the gray and white one, i think he's the only one who likes me :pensive:. 

anyways, all in all, everything is pretty average right now.