tailsfromthecrypt

[tailsfromthecrypt]

DPXDC PROMPT : ALFRED IS IMMORTAL

Alright. Don't get me wrong, I love au's where John Constantine is like "soul tax evader supreme", but hear me out.

Alfred.

Alfred, Alfred Pennyworth. Who just doesn't die. The guy's immortal. The reason for this is that Alfred is awesome, so anytime he dies, whether it be from old age or a bullet or a world-wide catastrophe, he looks Death straight in the eyes and tells them that he will die when the day comes that no one needs him anymore, and not a second before, and then he just kinda pops back to life. Because let's face it, the batfam would fall to pieces without him.

So, Alfred Pennyworth has basically just been cheating death for centuries, by this point.

Needless to say, Death is none too pleased. Finally, Death goes to Phantom, the new king, who is much more reasonable than Pariah Dark was and who agrees to actually help.

Clockwork helps Danny set up a portal and he zaps into existence in the middle of a Wayne movie night. The bats are all prepared to fight this mysterious weirdo, but Danny ignores them and turns to Alfred, who he then begins lecturing about ghostly tax evasion and how defying death isn't a good thing, so he needs to file paperwork through the proper channels to stay as an immortal almost-God.

Alfred is chill, he plays cards with Clockwork once when he dies, so he knew this was coming, but the batfamily thinks that this mysterious entity is going to kill Alfred, so they're all panicking, trying to think of ways to avoid this horrible future. Alfred calmly listens to Danny, then he interjects.

"Sir, are you aware of the fact that there is a revenant on earth? One who is most certainly under threat of more paperwork than I, seeing as he has been using the Lazarus Pits to revive himself for millennia. I, however, have only been alive for a few hundred years, so I should think that he is a bigger priority. "

Danny glances over at Jason, doubtful. "He doesn't look several millennia old, Mr. Pennyworth."

"Certainly not, seeing as Master Jason is not. Besides, his Undeath License was filed. I have a copy of it if you need to see it, your Majesty?" Alfred answers, demure as always.

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble, sir."

Alfred leaves and returns, moments later with a light green glowing piece of paper. he hands it over to Danny, who examines it.

"Seems legitimate. I assume you filed it during one of your many encounters with Death?"

"Indeed. I have it on good authority, however, that the other revenant, a man by the name of Ra's Al Ghul, has not renewed his License in at least the last half millennia, most likely longer."

Danny sighs. "Where can I find him."

"Nanda Parbat. The signature is impossible to miss."

"Alright, Mr. Pennyworth. I will return once he is dealt with, be it by filing his paperwork or returning him to the Infinite Realms."

"Very well. I will be ready." Alfred answers.

Danny opens a portal to the area around Nanda Parbat and then another, which plops him down right in front of the Demon's Head himself, in a strategy meeting with his daughter and several commanders.

They all raise their weapons, but he just basically grabs Ra's by the ear and tugs him through a Lazarus Green portal, lecturing him about tax evasion and paperwork and bureaucracy the whole time. The League is thrown into uproar, and Ra's is set down in a room with all his overdue paperwork from the past few thousand years. He feels a little bit like crying; if he had known immortality meant this much paperwork, he would've just died, honestly.

Meanwhile, in Wayne Manor, everyone is crying, because they think Alfred is going to die, Jason is confused about the whole revenant Undeath Certificate thing, Bruce is trying to make contingency plans, Tim is contacting the Justice League, and Alfred is planning out his defense and going through every ghostly law loophole he can think of because if he leaves these emotionally constipated crime-fighting vigilantes, he knows that the house that Martha so loved will go up in flames within a month.

Eventually, Danny comes to get Alfred for his ghostly court trial/hearing or whatever, and Alfred says goodbye to Bruce and everyone, goes to the Infinite Realms. Clockwork is on his side, and Alfred ends up winning the court case, on the condition that now that the has an Undeath License, he actually renew it every twenty years, like he's supposed to.

A week later, Alfred returns, crashes his own funeral, and explains that no, he will not be dying anytime soon.

Two weeks after Alfred's return, Constantine shows up at the manor basically begging to learn how the hell he managed to avoid death, and not only that, win a damn court case against them.

[tailsfromthecrypt]

DPxDC prompt:  “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead” or

Batman Has An Adoption Problem but Phantoms have a Babysitting Problem

~~~~

Alicia lives in Smallville. Danny Fenton spent every summer visiting his aunt.

   And until his fourteenth birthday, Danny had no problem with hanging out with a strange child of the Kent family. After all, the Fentons were also considered freaks. He was getting good money for babysitting because he didn’t ask Martha too many questions.

   So this is what do the rest of the Justice League see when they bump into the usually newbie-friendly Superman and the Phantom in the hallway:

Superman: “You’re like my own personal brand of Kryptonite.”

Phantom: ~aww~

Superman: Not in a cute way. You literally make me sick! Have you ever heard of social distance?

Phantom: No :) Tell me, ~I’m dying to know.~

Superman: I hate you!

~~~~

Meanwhile in Gotham, 

Dan Phantom is dragging Robin by the neck from Killer Croc’s lair.

Dan: Look, punk, your mother won’t pay me if you don’t live to be a grown-up. Be a good assh…assassin and don’t try to play with someone who’s out of your league.

Robin: Fuck off, I am not a baby to listen to a nanny. I’m 10!

Dan:…I’ll call Alfred and tell him you’re fooling around on school night.

Damian: Don’t you dare!

[tailsfromthecrypt]

Reasons I find the Damian Wayne/Danny Fenton ship really funny (besides the ship name being Dead Serious which is truly bespoke):

Tim: Well, they say that kids often date people that remind them of their parents.

Damian: That is ludicrous. Danny is nothing like father or mother.

Tim: No, but look.

Danny: And than I said "Oh yeah? You and what toaster?"

Dick: *wheezing laughter* Oh my god, that's so good. I should use that!

Damian: *dawning horror*

Tim: Good luck buddy. I hope Danny at least knows how to dress himself properly.

[tailsfromthecrypt]

Damian and Danny, upon their first meeting, fight.

It's violent and they both are beat to all hell after.

Damian is already hearing Grayson and his Father nag in his ear for fatally attacking some rando out of nowhere.

Both of them are laying on the rooftop of an abandoned building, having finally exhausted themselves after their fight.

Damian's quiet, and the only sounds he hears are their heavy breathing and the occasional siren of a police car. He figures the other boy will probably spit out some curse at Damian and leave, likely to find someone else so they can gang up on him or whatnot.

Hearing the other fidget, he stays still. Best to just deal with the actions of his consequences with him now and then Father and Grayson later.

"So..." Damian merely glances at him when the kid only says that, as if he was hesitating.

"You wanna go out sometime?"

[tailsfromthecrypt]

[tailsfromthecrypt]

Farkle: Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

Lucas: What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

[tailsfromthecrypt]

This got 9 notes in one minute. I cursed myself

You could post something absolutely profound on this hellsite and get 2 notes in a year

You could post something that’s absolute nonsense and get 50,000 notes in a couple months

Or

You could post about AO3 being down and get 300 notes in 5 minutes

[tailsfromthecrypt]

You could post something absolutely profound on this hellsite and get 2 notes in a year

You could post something that’s absolute nonsense and get 50,000 notes in a couple months

Or

You could post about AO3 being down and get 300 notes in 5 minutes

[tailsfromthecrypt]

ao3 going down sucks big time of course but can we also appreciate the speed in which it begins to trend on tumblr as we all simultaneously come here to cry about it

[tailsfromthecrypt]

[tailsfromthecrypt]

people all collectively coming to tumblr to see if ao3 is down for other people too or if it’s just them and their wifi is so poetically nostalgic when you think about it, because in some way, it’s the equivalent of those times in the past when you’re a kid and visiting your grandparents’ home and there’s a blackout and so you just walk outside of the house to see if your neighbors experience the same thing too. the ao3 is just. like. a modern version of that

[tailsfromthecrypt]

AO3 IS DOWN

[tailsfromthecrypt]

[tailsfromthecrypt]

coming on tumblr when ao3 is down is like when the internet goes out and you walk out of your room, seeing if everyone else is affected.

[tailsfromthecrypt]

my love is at war

[tailsfromthecrypt]

The Archive is currently down and we are looking into it! We'll update you when we know more.

Posted: 02:05 UTC December 27, 2024

[tailsfromthecrypt]

Excuse me you’re blocking my fanfics