#~T: Epic of the Ankaran Sarcophagus

[thevalicemultiverse]

Go have sex with Ben Franklin, ya commies!

Alice: ...This is one of the weirdest things I've ever had yelled at me -- and I have had some weird things yelled at me.

[thevalicemultiverse]

"How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn’t see their reflection?"

"I’ve never considered it but you’re really shining light on what’s probably a very serious issue"

"I believe it would depend on the vampire in question -- apparently only certain types don't have a reflection," Alice says, having just pestered someone for more information on Lasombras. "And I think those vampires would make their displeasure at being hit clear very quickly."

[thevalicemultiverse]

Alright gang lets split up, Daphne, Velma, and I will look for old man Jenkins

while Scooby & Shaggy look for the flayed corpse of god

Alice: [tilting her head at the screen] I confess, I was never that familiar with Scooby-Doo as a franchise, but -- they don't normally go looking for that sort of thing, do they?

Victor: No, and I'm still not convinced that the flayed corpse isn't going to be some elaborate mannequin or old man Jenkins in a costume. They can go as dark as they like, it's still Scooby-Doo.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Deb: Hello caller, you’re on with Deb of Night.

Caller: Heeeeeeey!

Deb: Who is this?

Caller: This is a dinosaur!

Deb: A dinosaur?

Dinosaur: Yeah. A big T Rex. Using the telephone.

Deb: I think you have the wrong number.

Dinosaur: Maybe you have the wrong phone.

Deb: Right. I’m gonna hang up now.

Dinosaur: Alright. just wanted to you let you know I’m heading over.

Deb: What? No, please don’t.

Dinosaur: You want me to pick up anything with my dinosaur hands? Maybe a soda pop or a movie or two?

Deb: No. goodbye.

(Ends call)

Alice: [unable to help her laughter] Oh wow -- so that's what it takes to annoy Deb into not even bothering with a snarky comment, huh? Why would someone think pretending to be a dinosaur would impress her?

[thevalicemultiverse]

"WILL PENSIONS CRISIS CAUSED BY GAY MARXIST MUSLIM ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM THE ZIONIST-CONTROLLED EU CHEATING ON BENEFITS AND BISEXUAL BLACK TRANSGENDER PAEDOS TAKING OUR JOBS CAUSE HOUSE PRICE CRASH AND CANCER IN MARGINALIZED WHITE CHRISTIAN BLACKSHIRTS?!?"

"No, but it'll probably cause hearing loss thanks to assholes like you," Alice mutters, digging around in her ear.

[thevalicemultiverse]

my dad tells me literally nothing, ever, and yet even he told me, up front, that the Kuei Jin are just a LARP group based out of LA who hijack concepts from, like, ten different Asian cultures and mash them up without actually knowing anything about them

Alice: Given what some Kindred clans are like, I can totally believe that. Did you know we have a whole clan that leans into Italian mobster stereotypes so unapologetically it's frankly kind of worrying? And my own clan, given the kind of people typically Embraced, is -- interesting. . .

[thevalicemultiverse]

Kindred: Thanks to my special diet, I’m not able to eat many food. That why I come to O’Tolley’s! Nothing puts me off food of the past then seeing the garbo they serve here.

Alice: [snorts] Oh, that's mean. I'm sure it's not that bad. I mean, have you been in the Surfside Diner recently? If you say you're the health inspector they'll give you money to ignore the rat problem.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Jimmy Carter had the audacity to suggest Americans keep their thermostats at a temperature that would slightly make Americans uncomfortable, and he was soundly obliterated by Reagan in one of the most catastrophic election defeats in US history. Comfort is a bipartisan concern.

Alice: I'd like to think he was defeated because of more than just suggesting people be a little cold to -- save energy, I'm guessing. I'm not the best at American history.

[thevalicemultiverse]

“I can’t believe you cheated on me in 1996!”

“Honey…technically we weren’t even dating yet.”

“Yeah? Okay! Well… Then I think we should set some new ground rules for the Time Machine.”

"If they're complaining about something the other person did before they dated, they need to have a serious talk about their relationship too," Alice murmurs, watching the scene.

"I think the fact that they apparently have a time machine might be more worthy of note?" Victor says, alternating between staring at them and staring at Alice.

"It is, but I don't know how to ask two total strangers if I can borrow it to prevent a terrible family tragedy."

[thevalicemultiverse]

(Miss hancock was not a wrestler; actually, more of a sex appeal to keep ratings up before she emerged as Stacy Keibler. She would come out and seductively dance, do cat fights and sometimes put input on the match. Overall; someone Therese would hate.)

Alice: Ahhh, I see -- so she may have dressed like Therese, but she acted more like Jeanette, got it. Yes, Therese definitely would not be happy with the comparison then!

[thevalicemultiverse]

Therese can talk shit all she wants when she literally looks like miss Hancock from WCW lmao

Alice: I -- don't know who that is, but I presume someone attractive? I mean, if that's what floats your boat, fine, but you weren't the one having to run errands for her and deal with her and sister's feuding.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Last time I saw him he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet and burning it... you'd better make sure they're dead.

Alice: To be fair, that would kill most things, even supernatural ones, so I can't blame him for not checking. But the other hand, I know ghosts are also a thing, even if you apparently are not one, so he probably should have still been prepared for you to come back looking for vengeance if he had any inkling of the supernatural.

[thevalicemultiverse]

I'm not heartless! Every so often, I sneak into mailboxes and steal letters, then deliver them to my minions. That way, it's almost like someone cares about them.

Alice: [blinking] I -- see. Are you just stealing the letters randomly, or are you picking out specific items for your minions? Because the amount of "someone almost cares about you" is different between a personalized letter to someone else versus a coupon flyer to someone else.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Is Mortal Enemies be the correct term if both parties are undead?

Alice: Hmmm -- I guess in that case you would have to call them Immortal Enemies, wouldn't you? Or, at the very least, I would. What's the point of living forever with a hated rival if you can't indulge in wordplay along the way?

[thevalicemultiverse]

basically, i think the general rule of thumb is: if someone REALLY wants the blood that’s inside of your body, and they’re like… a vampire, or a dracula, or some sort of mansquito, then that’s probably okay. a dracula and a mansquito are made for removing things like blood and swords from inside your body. that’s basically fine.

if something wants to get at your blood, and they’re, say, some kind of murdersaurus, or maybe a really big frog, that’s where the problems start to arise. a really big frog is not made for removing blood, and your blood knows this, which is why it is so vehement about wanting to stay IN your body instead of coming out. 

unfortunately this will not deter a really big frog, because a really big frog is full of things like prizes, and value, and quite a lot of hatred, and it would REALLY rather like to replace any and all of those things with your blood, and basically by any means possible.

Alice: ...the sad thing is, knowing everything I know about the world now, I am genuinely going to be a little nervous whenever I encounter a really big frog from now on.

Victor: Me too. [winks at her] At least I know if I ever get stabbed, you're the person to go to.

[thevalicemultiverse]

“I’ll have you know I served with Napoleon at Waterloo!”

*whispers to Alice* “Yes, and we all know how that turned out for him.”

Alice: [bites back a grin, nods and whispers back] It's not exactly the best battle to brag about, now is it?