#yum yum auden venting

[euelios]

the way i say “(oh) brother” now instead of just shouting swear words

so weird to be—on the other end of “should i apologize?” usually i’m sitting here hoping for an apology or at least yk. “are you ok”

(i’m always ok. nothing is ever that bad or that real. it’s all drama)

i told my mom off about (inadvertently) making me feel like an incompetent shit every time i discussed moving out, like i wasn’t uncertain enough on my own. and she just went “that’s not what i meant and you know it” and like

jesus. no i know that. trust me i know. but that’s what happened. like that hurt then and it hurts now and i want you to take note of it for later when we have this conversation again

“why didn’t you just say what you meant why did you go on and on” uhh bc i didn’t know what the issue was and i was trying to work it out? because YOU go on and on and i don’t try to cut you off?? and also it’s not the moving that’s the issue it’s how you kind of keep reminding me of how bad i am at things???

(please just believe in me, and SAY so. you aren’t too harsh on me anymore but i don’t think i ever left that weird little kid behind. i didn’t always want to Be Better. i just wanted to be okay.)

and i could see her getting upset. by something i did. like that’s never happened before. me being the one upsetting her instead of the other way around. no one cried this time thank god. i’m the crier and it always makes her angry but this time she started getting defensive and i started getting angry and like—we’re just turning into each other

(not really. i don’t think i ever learned to defend myself against anyone. easier to just be wrong. john mulaney vc you could pour soup in my lap and i’d probably apologize to you)

but i could kind of see it. the connections. i’ve long since lost the whole “and my parents know everything” sheen but like on her end: yeah dude. i’m 21 years old. i’ll tell you lots but not everything. i’m absolutely going to get mad at you if you make me uncomfortable. you might not have ever had reason to think about how you get angry but boy howdy did i learn from the best—

(we talked about this one night. did i plan on kids? i’ll have them or i won’t, but only if i’m dead certain i’ll be a good parent. “i don’t think there’s a parent in the world who doesn’t love their kid,” she says and i feel charitable so i agree. but there are just too many ways to love someone wrong.)

this is kind of like, the parallel of those “would you be friends with your siblings if you weren’t siblings” “oh your parents are human too” like. no we wouldn’t be friends so i guess it’s good that we’re related. i love you and you make me so angry, and i’ll never have the guts to tell you how much of either.

(apparently none of my mom’s side ever got mad at their parents growing up. she says this like she’s proud of it but none of them speak to their parents now either. in that light i think i’ll call whatever we’ve got going on progress.)