#your goal therefore is to cut all your trees down while making sure nobody else cuts theirs

[greater-than-the-sword]

This may not be the most laize-faire thing I've ever said but I don't think "the tragedy of the commons" is the ultimate way to understand land-use issues when actually, a capitalist who wants to live in a nice environment is motivated primarily not to clean up his own land but to despoil his own land to as much profit as possible while simultaneously preventing everybody else from despoiling theirs

[gay-jesus-probably]

A beginners guide for skiing/snowboarding

It totally just occured to me that with nothing else to do this winter, people are probably looking at skiing as a good way to get out, do something, and remember that other human life exists within this universe while not exposing yourself to the threat of plague. And that’s a great idea! Because skiing is fun as hell and vastly superior to snowboarding in every way.

But I also realize that most people don’t have parents that consider skiing a necessity of life, and therefor didn’t start skiing pretty much right after they got the hang of walking. So, for those of you who want to get into the sport, here’s some useful advice from someone that’s been skiing for... I think about seventeen years? I’m honestly not sure.

And unless specifically stated otherwise, yes all this advice applies to snowboarding as well. They’re pretty similar sports.

Under the cut because this is very long and I’m not doing that to your dashboard.

Step one: Gear

- The most expensive part is the skis and the boots. As in, buying one pair of good quality skis + boots will probably be $1000+. So if you’re buying gear, you’d better be absolutely certain that you’re going to get at least a decade of use out of it. So, complete beginner? Don’t buy. Rent. Same thing for children; kids just grow too fast, they’ll need new gear every season. I know most ski shops will let you rent gear for a full season though, so that makes things a lot easier (and cheaper).

- Skiiers, get the hang of the basics before you get poles. They’re basically for extra balance, help moving over flats, and navigating especially messy terrain. Get some confidence on just skis first. Feel free to buy your own poles though; poles are cheap and they don’t come with any sort of performance level. Literally the only difference is height, grab type and paint job. Sizing is easy, you just need to be able to grab the handles with your elbows at a ninety degree angle and the tips on the floor. Ask if you’re not sure. Everything else is just personal preference. 

- Snowboarders, get wrist guards. That’s non-optional. You’ll be landing on your hands a lot. Save yourself the fractured wrists. Skiers can get them too, but snowboarders are the ones that really need them.

- Helmets are mandatory. For everyone. You are never too good for a helmet. Olympic level skiers have died from bad wipeouts without a helmet. Put your fucking helmet on. And I don’t mean a bike helmet or a skating helmet, you need to get a proper ski helmet. This is not optional.

- Goggles are also a must, but this one isn’t controversial. Keeps the wind out of your eyes, and also helps you see the hill better. Different tints are better for different lighting, but don’t worry too much about it; I’ve never bothered with different lenses. Just get a light orange tint; it’s best for flat light, which is the hardest conditions to see in.

- Get ski socks. They’re not hard to find, just make sure you get a pair that are comfortably tight. Loose socks cause blisters. And normally socks will not do, the socks need to be long. The tops should be under your knees, but still a good way up your legs.

- For pants, you want something light and comfortable. Sweat pants or leggings are perfect. Honestly, pajama pants will work in a pinch too. Don’t wear jeans unless you really hate yourself.

Step two: Staying warm

- Waterproof outside and layers on the inside. That’s what it all boils down to, really.

- A good winter jacket is your main concern. If your hood can come off, take it off, it’ll just get in the way. Not one of those long jackets either, you want your legs free. Also, zip up your pockets before hitting the slope! Nobody likes finding snow in their pockets. Nobody.

- Snow pants. Again, freedom of movement is the goal, make sure you’re fine. Also snowpants with suspenders may not be the best idea; there’s nothing worse than being on the top of a mountain and having to unzip your jacket to pull up a suspender. Also the snowpants go on the outside of the boots, not the inside. Just to be clear.

- Gloves or mitts. Again, waterproof is a must. If your hands get cold easily, mitts are a better choice here; you can have your fingers wrapped around a heat pack all day, while with gloves all you get is toasty palms and frostbitten fingers.

- Neckwarmer! It’s damn windy on the hill, cover your face up. You’ll be glad for it.

- Cycling back to the layers thing, to explain in more detail. The bottom and top of your clothes stay the same. Bottom layer is a comfortable shirt, which will be horrifyingly sweaty by the end of the day. Top layer is your jacket, which is waterproof and windbreaking. Everything in between is optional. Some sort of fleece or sweater is a good idea. Don’t wear a hoodie though, the hood will just annoy you all day. If you’re way too warm, lose a layer. If there’s no more layers to lose, unzip the jacket a bit. Do not take the jacket off. Seriously. Don’t.

Step three: Safety on the hill

The Alpine Code is the agreed upon universal code of conduct for skiiers and snowboarders on a hill. This is the most important thing you need to know. Not just because you’ll be in trouble if you break it, but also because not following puts you and everyone around you in danger.

Always stay in control. You must be able to stop, or avoid other people or objects.

People ahead of you have the right-of-way. It is your responsibility to avoid them.

Do not stop where you obstruct a trail, or are not visible from above.

Before starting downhill or merging onto a trail, look uphill and yield to others.

If you are involved in or witness a collision/accident you must remain at the scene and identify yourself to the Ski Patrol.

Always use proper devices to help prevent runaway equipment.

Observe and obey all posted signs and warnings.

Keep off closed trails and obey area closures.

You must not use lifts or terrain if your ability is impaired through the use of alcohol or drugs.

You must have sufficient physical dexterity, ability, and knowledge to safely load, ride, and unload lifts. If in doubt, ask the lift attendant.

This exact text will be on the back of your lift ticket, and on signs around the hill. These are the rules. Follow them.

To clarify some points:

- Stopping on the hill is totally fine; just stay off to the side, and make sure people can see you. This is especially important for snowboarders, because your stopping means sitting down. Be very sure that people will spot you in time to move out of the way. And if you’re in a group, line up vertically. Don’t collectively block the hill.

- When they say it’s your responsibility to avoid people in front of you, they’re not fucking kidding. If you can’t stop in time, you have to fall. It’s better than a collision, trust me. I don’t care if someone accidentally swerves directly in front of you, if your momentum is going to hit a person or thing, you need to stop that momentum immediately. This goes double if you’re about to hit a tree or something; please, for the love of god, fall. A wipeout will hurt. Hitting the tree can kill you.

- When you get off a lift, move. Immediately. There’s probably people a few seconds behind you, and you need to be out of the way. Also, if there’s multiple ways to go when unloading from a lift, make sure you know which way everyone on the chair plans to unload. Don’t fall over each other.

- For witnessing an accident, you don’t have to hang around and call ski patrol any time someone has a wipeout. Just pay attention to the other people on the hill, especially if you see a bad wipeout. If someone has a group of three or more, keep going; they don’t need you. But if you see a person wiped out alone or with one person, and they look like they’re struggling to get up, stop and check in with them. Ask if they’re okay. If the downed person is actually hurt, offer to go get ski patrol for them, even if they’ve got an uninjured friend; it’s better to have a stranger going for help while their friend stays.

- If someone wipes out and loses skis and/or poles up the hill from where they end up, grab them and bring them down if you can. That’s not alpine code really, it’s just basic manners. It’s incredibly hard to walk up a hill in ski boots; they’ll be eternally grateful to you.

Step four: Difficulty

If you look at a map of a ski hill, you’ll see every run marked with a symbol. That tells you how difficult that run is, by the standards of that particular hill.

Green circles are the easiest runs; these are gentle slopes that usually have lots of room to turn. I say usually, because CAT tracks also become green runs - those are the roads that brought machinery up to clear trees and stuff when they were building the ski hill. They’re a little narrow sometimes, but always a very mild slope. All green runs are groomed every day, so don’t worry too much about terrain. Most hills will mark their very easiest run, so that’s the place to start if you’re brand new.

Blue square is intermediate. They’ll be steeper than greens, but they’re usually groomed daily. Being steeper means they’re at more risk of ice, so watch out. Don’t try a blue until you’ve got some experience and confidence; if you’re a skier, you should have been using poles for awhile before you hit a blue. Make sure you’re confident in stopping, and know how to slow down. If you’re still relying on the snowplow instead of a proper brake, you’re not ready for a blue.

Black diamond is the hardest. Some of them are groomers, but plenty aren’t; thats how you get moguls after all. Black diamond runs are for very skilled skiers with years of experience. If you’re on a black and not feeling confident, then take it slow and careful, and don’t be ashamed to give yourself a muttered pep talk all the way down, possibly interspaced by frightened owl noises.

Double black diamonds are a symbol of mans hubris. These are never groomed. These are steep, messy, and personally hate you. If you’re not 100% comfortable on moguls, don’t take a double black. Even I don’t do double blacks; it’s just not the kind of skiing I prefer. Basically if you’ve learned something new from this guide, you’re definitely not ready for a double black.

Please remember that while these are universal symbols and meanings, every hill has a different standard of difficult. For example, a river valley or a man made hill will call their runs green, blue and black, but for a mountain skier the whole place would be very tame greens. Different area have different standards. If you’re trying a new ski hill, always assume that they’ve got higher standards than you’re used to. It’s better to underestimate your skill and do a few easy runs to warm up than to overestimate and find yourself stuck on a run you’re not prepared for.

Step five: Getting up the hill

While chairlifts are the classic method, there’s actually a lot of different ways to get up a hill, and no telling what a particular place will use. So here’s a full list of lift types, how to use them, and where you’ll probably find them.

Magic Carpet

It’s a conveyer belt. It’s literally just a big conveyer belt. You stand on it, and it brings you up. Short, slow, simple. These are usually found in areas meant specifically for beginners, at the very bottom of the hill. If there’s nobody in front of you and you’ve got skis, you can kinda shuffle walk up to go a little faster. Just don’t fall.

Tow Rope

These are like magic carpets, but a little more annoying. Instead of hopping onto a conveyor belt, there’s a rope being turned in a circle. You grab on, it drags you up, and you let go at the top. Again, these are found in basic areas. If you’ve got poles, hold them both in one hand, hold the rope with the other.

T-bar

Like a tow rope, but it’s raised off the ground and has bars shaped like an upside down T attached. You grab one of them at the bottom, get half under your butt, then hold onto the middle as it drags you up. If you’ve got poles, take em off and hold them in one hand. Each T can hold two people, one on either side. For the love of god, don’t try to sit down. It can pull you up the hill, but you’ve gotta work to keep upright. If you try and sit, you’ll fall backwards. If you’re riding a T-bar alone, it helps to have one hand holding the middle bar, and the other hand balancing out the other side of the T. T-bar’s are usually found on the lower mountain in easy areas, but they’re not uncommon at the very top for access to the hardest areas.

Poma Lift

Exactly like a T-bar, but instead of the T shape it’s just a bar with a plastic disk at the bottom. Unlike a T-bar, Poma’s are a single person lift; you just straddle it so that the disk is on your butt, and off you go. Yes, this means the middle bar looks incredibly phallic. That’s part of the fun. These are only found at the very top of the mountain, for access to the hardest areas. Like the T-bar, poles are held in one hand.

Chairlift

Ah, the classic. Chairlifts are the most common lift, and they come in many variations. Singles might as well be extinct; I’ve never actually seen a one person chairlift. Doubles are uncommon, and usually tend to be older and rickety. These days most chairlifts are triples, quads or six packs, although I hear eight person chairs are a thing in the Alps. Chairlifts range the entire mountain; look at the map and make sure you know you’re going to an area you can ski. For skiers, remove the straps on your poles, and hold them normally until you get the loading spot; once you’re ready to sit down, hold them in one hand. Snowboarders, remove one foot from your binding before getting in line. All chairlifts have either a safety bar or a windshield. Lower it once everyone’s sititng down, then just sit back and enjoy the view. No matter how tempted you are to check your phone, don’t do it unless you absolutely have to, and be very careful. If you drop something, you’re fucked. Don’t be concerned if the lift stops, that’s perfectly normal; someone might’ve fallen at the top or bottom, or needed help loading/unloading. Once you get to the top, everyone in the chair should communicate which way their going (to avoid getting in each others way), then raise the bar as you approach the top. When you reach the platform, stand up and push forwards.

If you don’t get off the chairlift in time, or fall down, don’t panic. There’s lift operators for a reason, and they’ll hit the emergency stop if someone falls in the unload area. Likewise, if you don’t make it off the chair in time, you’ll trip a wire as you go around and trigger an emergency stop, so that the liftie can help you down. Don’t just jump the few feet down, because then the liftie gets mad and you and also many people are skeptical about your sanity. Which I know. Because reasons.

Gondola

Finally, the mighty gondola. These bad boys are the comfiest ride, but also the most work to get on/off, so you’ll only ride a gondola to get from the base to the upper mountain. Before getting in line, remove your poles, skis, and snowboards. Carry them through the line. When it’s your turn to load, give your skis/snowboard to the liftie, who will load them onto the outside of the gondola you’re riding in; poles go into the gondola with you. Don’t be slow about it, cause the gondola won’t stop. Then everyone load in, have a seat, and enjoy a nice ride up in comfort and privacy. Check your phone, take pictures, look at the map, have a snack... you’ve got time, and you’re in a nice little bubble, so you don’t have to worry about losing anything. When you’re at the top, unload, grab your gear, and walk out of the way to put your skis/snowboard back on.

Step six: Everything else

Now for all the little details that’ll make the whole thing a lot easier for you!

Bring your own food if you’re on a really tight budget; ski lodges are like airports or theme parks. You’re a captive audience; everything is horribly overpriced. But if you do want a hot meal, tbh it’s usually worth it; ski lodge food is expensive, but they at least have the decency to make it good. Try to time your meals to be before or after the typical lunch rush; the lodges get horribly crowded around noon. ...Well, do that when the pandemics over; these days avoid the lodge like the plague. Because it is the plague. Your vehicle is your locker; bring your own lunch, and eat there.

Always have a spare pair of gloves/mitts in your boot bag. If you lose one, or one gets ruined somehow, you’ll be thanking yourself.

You should always have some essentials in your jacket pockets when skiing. All your stuff might be in your locker, but mountains almost always have multiple lodges, so you don’t want to be needing something when it’s an hour of lifts and skiing away. The universal necessities is some money (i find a 20$ bill is best), your phone, and a map if you don’t know the hill very well. If you use them, then extra hair ties, and a tampon and/or pad are also a good idea. Even if it’s not shark week. Doesn’t hurt to be paranoid. A protein bar or some sort of snack is also good, or gum/hard candies if you want. Also, in this day and age, have a mask in your pocket.

Weed is a traditional favourite of skiers and snowboarders everywhere; blazing is a popular way to pass the time on a chairlift. Just be careful not to drop anything, and you probably shouldn’t blaze it while skiing/snowboarding if you don’t have the skill and experience to safely do it while blazed. ...Oh and if it’s not legal where you are, you should probably pick a more subtle location.

In your boot bag, locker, or vehicle, it’s a good idea to have at least one bottle of water, some ibuprofen, blister packs, bandaids, and some normal socks, especially if you’re skiing. Ski boots are very uncomfortable footwear. You don’t really notice it on the hill, but after. My god, when you’re taking your boots off at the end of the day, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. Being able to put on normal socks and shoes again is like a religious experience. Trust me. Normal socks. It’s so good.

Know the symptoms of frostbite! If your fingers or toes are numb and painful, it’s time to take a break and thaw. If it keeps happening, try getting heat packs; they’re little packets with chemicals in them, and as soon as you open the plastic wrap it starts a reaction that produces heat. It’s not hot enough to burn, and it’ll last all day. Keeps the fingers nice and toasty. They’re a skiing staple, you’ll love it.

If the group splits up, make sure you know where and when to meet up again. Don’t count on being able to text each other, cell service is not a guarantee. And if a member of the group isnt there at the end of the day, check with ski patrol; they might have been injured and wound up in medical.

If for whatever reason you can’t get back down the mountain on your own, head the nearest lift that goes to the base, and talk to the liftie. You can always ride the lifts down if you need to. There’s no shame.

If you’re riding up a lift and pass a tree completely covered in bras, panties, and those shitty plastic bead necklaces, don’t worry. Every good ski mountain has an underwear tree somewhere. It’s a time honored tradition. Respect the underwear tree.

If you’re skiing several days in a row, then taking care of your gear is top priority. As soon as you’re back home or in your hotel room, everything comes out of the boot bag and gets set out to dry over a heat vent. Boots too. Make sure to close all the buckles on your boots or they’ll be a bitch and a half to do up later. That step is extra important if you’re not skiing the next day; never leave your boots unbuckled.

Skiing is a very intense sport, and a good day of skiing is a serious workout. Plan your après ski. Hot tubs are perfect if you’ve got access to one; if not, take the longest, hottest shower you can stand. You need it; not only will it wash all that sweat off, but also it’ll make your life a little easier tomorrow. If you can get out of bed the next morning without groaning in agony, you probably weren’t skiing hard enough.

Finally, before going to a ski hill with chairlifts, please watch these two videos. It’s a two part review gleefully mocking a suspense/horror movie about three people getting stuck on a chairlift when a ski hill closes. To this day when me and my sibling are on a chairlift together and it stops, one of us will immediately declare that we’ll be trapped for a whole weekend, and the wolves are hunting us. It’s an extremely stupid movie, and an extremely funny review mocking it. The wolves are coming. Those notorious ski hill wolf packs.