#you're so right no one has ever demonized the addict character before this is a totally fresh take and also super woke

[selfchiller]

"people need to get more comfortable calling Harry a piece of shit" it seems like yourself and a number of other people are extremely comfortable with that. Perhaps too comfortable?

[demonfox38]

Completed: Quest: Brian's Journey

Question: have you ever unironically loved something a majority of people consider awful?

Like, I don't mean a shitty person. I’m talking crappy media. LIke, is there at least one movie that was featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" or "Rifftrax" that you would watch without jokes? Do you have any cheap sci-fi novels or trashy paperback novels that are falling apart from how often you've re-read them? Have you ever seen a kid's show that was clearly just a ploy for marketing toys and loved it regardless?

I'm bringing this up because, in order to talk about "Quest: Brian's Journey," I'm going to have to talk about "Quest 64." Like, what I find genuinely special about that game, and why I consider this game's existence a miracle.

If you can't understand loving garbage, you're not going to get anything else out of this evaluation.

"Quest: Brian's Journey" is a 2000 Gameboy Color RPG that takes the root function and plot of the Nintendo 64 game "Quest 64" and "demakes" it for the lower-powered hardware. In some fashion, it could be considered a sibling to titles like the GameBoy version of "Metal Gear Solid," "Resident Evil Gaiden," and "Perfect Dark." Those titles were at least associated with games from the PlayStation and Nintendo 64 era that people generally considered good. The predecessor for "Quest: Brian's Journey," on the other hand…

Look. I know why "Quest 64" is bagged on. In an era bursting at the seams with FMV cutscenes, nascent voice acting, and long, complex storylines, "Quest 64" is downright rudimentary. Would it have done okay, had it been released at the beginning of the Nintendo 64's life? Maybe. But, in 1998? In the era of Squaresoft's indominable reign in the west? It was—and to some extent remains—a joke. Doubly so after more successful Nintendo 64 releases (particularly the big gun "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time", released only a handful of months later.)

Would it have been nice to have some level of cutscenes and puppetry in "Quest 64"? Absolutely. Maybe something more than a text crawl for an ending? Duh! "Quest 64" is a game released in a beta state, desperately needing at least six months of polish before it should have been dropped on the planet. But, for all its perceived flaws, I don't hate "Quest 64." In fact, I very much enjoy it! The game is lively, colorful, pleasantly varied in character and enemy design, and relaxing to play. For me, it scratches the same itch as archery or pool. It's a game that values positioning, accuracy, and exploration. All good stuff! Drop on top of that a leveling system that augments stats based on your actions and enemy reactions, and grinding suddenly becomes both rewarding and addicting. Like, no matter how you screw up, at least you'll be making progress.

Despite liking "Quest 64," it took me a long time to hear of its follow up games. (Yes, that's right, games. But one is just a "Dig Dug" kind of clone, so don't get too excited.) Like, I only heard about "Quest: Brian's Journey" a few years ago when it was featured in an RPG Limit Break race. I'm still baffled it took me almost 20 years to hear about it. Like, hell. Am I really that much out of the loop, or was there just nothing in terms of marketing for this game? I mean, I'd believe that, but I still feel weird for being so clueless as to its existence. Talk about totally missing your audience.

I suppose when your audience is one of out a million people, someone's going to slip through the cracks.

Despite being a rudimentary port, "Quest: Brian's Journey"'s plot ends up being more complex than its predecessor. The beats are mostly the same, with the hero leaving his monastery home to pursue his father across his Celtic-inspired homeland, acquiring magical stones and driving off monsters and demons in the process. However, more effort has been put into illustrating each plot point, clearly and precisely spelling out or expanding each beat of the story like…I don't know. A real video game! Additional boss fights are also present, giving a little bit of an extra surprise to players of the first game. Granted, it's not the most complex adventure in the world, but it gives way more personality and explanation to characters than before. Like, I can better understand Colleen's hatred for the pirate Kiliac, and Leonardo's whole deal makes way more sense.

Also, the fate of Brian's father is 100% not missable this time! So, hooray for clarity! Could have done without the bit where a 14-year-old princess is being forced into matchmaking, though. That's just weird and creepy.

Most of the environments from the previous game are here, minus Glencoe Forest. (Like, I can see where it roughly was, but it's just tiles instead of its own area.) While not a one-to-one map recreation from the previous game, it's parsable enough to know what is what. Most of the difficulty navigating them is due to the maze-like structure of most environments. Granted, missing treasures is not that big of a deal. The game is very generous with item drops in battles, and you'll easily max out your spirit statistics before you find them all in game.

It's wild how easy it is to overclock Brian in this game. Like, it's mostly the same leveling system as before, taking into account a player's actions and suffered damage to augment health, MP, evasion, defense, and the aforementioned spirit pool. In "Quest 64", it would take days to fully max out your statistics, with players often finishing their game at 40-43 spirits per element out of the max of 50. Here? It all accumulates way faster. Like, I easily hit the 50 max spirits per element before reaching Brannoch Castle (the penultimate dungeon), and I was able to max out HP just casually goofing around after beating the game. The only stat that was a pain in the ass (literally) to level up was defense, and even that is easy to push up to at least 70.

The battle system is intuitive, especially for people who have played the previous game. It's just A to whack with a stick, B to line up spells, and Start to use items. About the only curveball here is the way you learn spells. Previously, "Quest 64" only cared about a single element's level before granting you spells. "Quest: Brian's Journey" wants the player to be more balanced with their element spread, requiring certain levels in each element to grant the player a spell. For example, the first healing spell used to be granted at a Water level of 6. Now, it requires a split between two or three levels between Water and Earth. Not exactly the worst trick, considering how a skilled "Quest" aficionado is already dumping stats into those elements first, but it's good to know about.

Honestly, all of the elements are balanced much better in this game. Like, I watched a Wind Cutter 3 easily dump 200+ damage into a boss, killing it off in two turns. Absolute improvement!

In terms of enemy design and placement, it's mostly as previously experienced. Like, there are some augments, like how fast Merrows can be. But, again, if you know the first game, you've got this one. The only real bastard here is King Beigus, who can easily drop 150-180 HP if he wants. Otherwise, it's very manageable. Possibly, abusable, if you know how to play around spell area limitations!

Something's not quite right with the top-down perspective. Like, I appreciate a column-based spell hitting as high as it does, but it wouldn't look right in 3D. Imagine a geyser of water shooting 6 feet to the right instead of 6 feet vertically, and you'll get what I mean.

The translation for this game is off as well. Some enemy names and spells are mistranslated (most notable "Vanpire's Touch," which was correctly translated as "Vampire's Touch" previously.) I suppose having different companies publishing this series will have details like that slip through the cracks. THQ, Konami, Sunsoft—what a weird mix! Any port in a storm, huh, Imagineer?

I'm honestly surprised that this series' developing company is still around, as of 2023. "Medabot" money is strong, I guess!

Aesthetically, the game looks and sounds like what a competent Nintendo 64 to GameBoy Color port would be. Even acknowledging the limitations there, I do think it is a little visually disappointing. A lot of the spritework is small, so some character and monster details are lost to the compression. It's also limited palette-wise, leaving the previously vibrant environment and characters mostly some shade of cream or brown. I've got no complaints for the musical composition, though. Like, yeah, there's still a natural limit being hit. But, it went from a mid-tier midi arrangement to a competent square-wave arrangement with every tune still being recognizable, so I can't bitch about that! Very pleasant.

If you found "Quest 64" to be an enjoyable experience, "Quest: Brian's Journey" is a natural and easy recommendation to make. Granted, that's like saying, "If you enjoy making taxidermy arrangements using the corpses of squirrels, you'll find doing the same with mice to be equally enjoyable!" At least, to some people. I suspect there is an overlap between players who liked this game and would like the NES games "The Magic of Scheherazade" or "Faria: A World of Mystery and Danger," but again, I may be speaking in tongues.

Do you want an old fantasy game with an easy and quirky battle system that lasts about 10 hours? If so, here you go! Enjoy getting into mouse taxidermy.

I mean, there are worse ways to develop your skills.

[mdhwrites]

I think Dana explained the betas though, it was the characters in a much different, heavier and darker story, that probably would have leaned more into the idea of witches and… well hell. Since Hieronymus Bosch drew lots of purgatory images. But you cant really do that for Disney. Plus to be fair, you’re meant to be able to throw ideas at a wall (even if they are very unlikely to work) for concept art and then be willing to immediately dump stuff and try new ideas without getting attached.

 Side note, while the big selling point for the Betas is that they are edgy or can be used to explore darker subjects, people sometimes just make them borderline evil, or just… actual evil, did you know its very easy to find beta fics tagged with non con and/or underage? Yea. They make Willow actively hateful and sadistic or make the Lumity ship a copy paste of Catradora, aka have them beat the life out of each other but then say uwu owo its not toxic, they love each other.

(seriously i cannot take ship discourse in fandoms seriously, they'll say one ship is toxic or problematic and turn around and ship the same thing but worse.)

For the first point... You're absolutely right. I should not judge for someone exploring different possibilities in concept art because I have no idea when in production that art was made or what the idea for the show was at the time. A LOT of things go through a half a dozen rewrites before the public ever sees them. Frozen apparently came down to the wire for its final plot and it's a miracle we got what we did at all. And even then, I think that movie is still a bit of a mess at times.

Also, fun fact, I have considered an Owl House AU where Luz went to hell instead. In that, Eda would be a demon looking for redemption and her only real ally, but also the only one trying to be real with her so Luz keeps thinking the demons who want to manipulate her are the ones to trust. Amity would have also been an angel undercover and supposed to be giving reports to god about the comatose child who's soul went to hell for some reason when the worst she deserves is Limbo. I could do a concept pitch blog for it but *shrug*

So I think it's personally wrong to conflate canon material with fan material and what is being criticized. Fanworks and the like are one of the safest places to explore different topics or express pain and the like you've had. It also only commonly has one or two eyes on it to say something might be toxic while media on tv usually has a few dozen and the fact that no one catches the red flags is... questionable. Especially why those red flags exist.

(As a note: I can't weigh in on if Catradora is toxic or not because I have watched only one episode of that show. Not even the first. I really ought to though since it seems up my alley.)

WITH THAT SAID, fanfiction authors aren't exactly going to always be respectful about such topics and the like and it took the majority of a year for anyone to tell me people used the Betas for more than murderous, drug addicted psycopaths. Even those people praised a story for having the two get into random fist fights with strangers in a Denny's parking lot so... Yeah. I'm not going to say the characterization of the Betas in the fandom is the best, or their use for that matter.

With all that said, I feel like the nicer Amity has become, and the more the two have come closer and closer to their Beta designs, the less I see of the Betas. Even now, I see lot less blood smears and sadistic grins and a lot more "It's just a normal Lumity picture except a different design." These aren't criticisms really but more just me ruminating on the fact that I think the fandom lost a lot of people who liked the edgier possibilities because of how poorly the show handled its own edge.

As for me as a content creator, have I ever considered using the Betas? I mean, I have for a one off or two, notably a one off where Luz is a dragon and Amity the willing sacrifice to her, but a one off can be hard to capture anything really interesting about them. I'd say I've only had one idea where I maybe wanted to use the Betas and that idea is a Noir Mystery? (It's complicated) story where Amity is a brothel owner in part to make her mom mad, Boscha is both bouncer and stripper for said brothel and dating Amity and Luz is a detective but not super gritty or the like. More Columbo (from what I hear, haven't seen it myself) than normal pulpy fiction Noir types. Also her detective style would lean a lot more into reading people and connections than forensics.

Another story I could do a concept pitch blog for since god only knows when or if I'll ever get to it. That idea is WAY more fleshed out than the going to hell one though.

But yeah, the betas are fine in my opinion to exist and mostly fine in how the fandom uses them because... I mean, if you don't like what they're being used for, just don't consume it. It's not necessary AT ALL to be a part of the fandom and I think a lot of fandoms really need to learn to chill about content creators creating content they don't like.

I don't think people realize the sorts of spaces they're creating within their own fandom because of that or the damage to their show's popularity either. It's a complicated topic and one I've had to give a lot of thought as, well... Ex-erotica writer, remember? And I've still done one erotic story for TOH too, even if it's aged up.

[maximuswolf]

Which Video Game(s) for You are So Good that You Know if Someone Ever Tells You "Video Games are Only for Losers" You'll Bring up Those Specific Game(s) to Utterly DESTROY any Argument They Have.

Which Video Game(s) for You are So Good that You Know if Someone Ever Tells You "Video Games are Only for Losers," You'll Bring up Those Specific Game(s) to Utterly DESTROY any Argument They Have. So I feel like this is an interesting question to ask because I've always imagined a hypothetical scenario where someone comes up to me and straight up tells me "oh stop playing video games man, you know they're only for losers, right?" or even "you're a bum, stop wasting your time." This makes me just think to these certain video games that I know are so good that I'll never regret playing them. I honestly don't care what arguments these people who demonize video games have because in the back of my head, I've know that I've played games that are to me, works of art. And so, in a situation like this, I can just see myself bringing up a particular game and just destroying this hypothetical person and any argument they have.Even sometimes I see the media paint video games poorly, but how can one possibly do so? Like there's been so many stories of positive games that have changed people's lives--that have got them through tough times or even inspired them. For example, I can't remeber what exact game it was, but I remeber this persons saying the game had such a good soundtrack, it inspired them to create songs as a passion. How can someone call this person a loser for playing games, that's such a down-to-Earth story.For me, that particular game is The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. This game truly is a masterpiece IMO. Everything about it is so good. For those that don't know, you start off as this guy, who kills monsters for a living, and he is looking for his daughter. However, there is so much to that, haha. First of all, instead of looking for your daughter, you can become addicted to Gwent and collect every card in the game, spending hundreds of hours becoming the best Gwent player ever, lol.But jokes aside, this game has an incredible story with some of the best and most unique side quests ever. My personal favourite being the Bloody Baron side quest, where so many different things can happen depending on your choices, but each of them leading to the same outcome--a tragic ending that is clearly unavoidable in the dark world of the Witcher 3.You get to build relationships with excellently written characters that each have compelling stories of their own. There are good characters, but there are also evil characters, and as the protagonist, you get to learn of their past and so you start to feel for some of the evil characters, now that you know who they are and what they've been through Perhaps, you decide not to kill them now. Because of this, you feel like you are part of something bigger because your choices matter.Then there's the amazing visuals that this game has to offer. You can simply spend tons of hours just riding with your horse, Roach, exploring all that you see. You can go atop a mountain and start swinging your sword for hours like a true Witcher would do on their spare time.Then there's the incredible soundtrack that is so good I listen to it even when I'm not playing the game. You'll be riding down Kaer Morhen with Roach and the banger of a song called "Kaer Morhen" starts playing. Or, you'll be sipping wine in Corvo Bianco with B.B. and another banger starts playing.For me, this game transcends being just a video game. It's a work of art that really impacts you, as the player.So ya, if anyone ever tells me that I'm a loser for playing video games, I've already got the situation played out. Imma straight up call them uncultured and tell them to play the Witcher 3 before speaking. Lmao.Anyways, what is this game for you? For me, it's my favourite video game of all-time, and I'm guessing it might be for many others as well.I'd love to hear everyone's choices and what exactly they would tell this hypothetical idiot--who we all know simply lacks an understanding of the masterpieces that the gaming medium has to offer. Submitted July 06, 2024 at 08:00AM by Michael_Plays112 https://ift.tt/sxpg3PT via /r/gaming

[wornoutmouse]

Yandere Tanjiro

Manipulation

Everytime I write salty sweet I think of peanut m&m's

Shout out to all my big areola having ass hoes. Pizza platter with the thick marshmallow tall nipples

You were so obvious and you didn't even realize it. Tanjiro doesn't blame you, many people forget how great his sense of smell was. So in the end he found it amusing when your scent would change to arousal and adoration whenever he was around you. In fact it entertained him

At first he thought it was misplaced, you couldn't feel such a thing towards him, that wasn't in your character. But all of his tests gave fruitful results. As he watched you from an unnoticeable distance He was able to confirm that no one ever made your scent change into any romantic auras. Not with Inosuke or Zenitsu. He even tried to see if you had feelings for Nezuko, she was always around him. But once again there was no change.

Even after finding out, he didn't care about this discovery. It wasn't the first time a woman or man alike has had an attraction to him. He knew he was handsome and everyone loves a kind soul. But your feelings weren't going to get him closer to his goal or keep you alive in the long run so he did not address it. That doesn't mean he didn't use it to his advantage though. On many occasions, he'd find himself teasing you subtly about your crush often.

Harmless grazes along your skin, being more extravagant when he fought with Inosuke. A few times he even waited around shirtless just to see you look away from him to hide your embarrassment. The sticky sharp smell that emanated from your body clung to your skin like a cologne. Tanjiro would even say that the smell gave him a bit of a high whenever it would fluctuate from the things he did. 

Getting real close to you with a neutral face to make the arousal spark before committing a distracting act of kindness to make the soft smell of adoration and content swirl and mix into your aura. It was fun for him, almost like a game, and soon it became a routine way of life. After defeating a demon and the buzz of adrenaline dies down, you'd go right back to your bumbling self.

But then like everything Tanjiro has had in life, it is interrupted.

It happened right after you all just barely made it out of fighting the spider family. You and the others were relocated to the infirmary while Tanjiro was put on trial. He was already agitated when Sanemi pushed his filthy sword through Nezuko's flesh. So in an effort to calm himself, he decided that a little bit of teasing would help boost his mood. 

When he finally ran across you again, you were lying in your own room resting. But not alone, one of the Hashira, Uzui Tengen sat by your side telling you stories of his battles and cracking jokes.

This would be fine normally, but the scent emanating from you was annoyingly familiar. You didn't even look at Tanjiro when he walked in and had a genuine look and scent of surprise when you noticed him. "Oh Kamado, what are you doing here?" Your scent still had its tinge of attraction but it had significantly lessened, not by much but enough to annoy him. 

Tengen excused himself when he noticed his presence adding a head pat as he walked past the shorter male. For a moment Tanjiro lost focus and concern invaded your aura as you watched his face contort into one of disgust and unbridled rage. 

Kamado, Since when did you call me that? Why are you giving your attention to a Hashira? What, am I not good enough for you anymore now that you found someone stronger. 

Tanjiro never took you for the power-hungry type, you can't be. No that's not it, Tanjiro adjusts his face again to one of a content smile. "Are you okay?" 

No, you weren't trying to abandon him on purpose. It's his fault partially, he doesn't blame you, his poor sweet naive Y/n. It's understandable that after ignoring your feelings for so long you'd try to move on and save yourself from the pain. But now it was okay, cause Tanjiro would fix it, he'd accept you, cause he was all you needed. "I'm okay, I broke my ankle and wrists." You raise said appendages to the best of your ability to show off your bandages.  

For a second a dark thought crosses Tanjiro's mind. How weak you and flimsy you were,  how easy it would be for one to take advantage of you at this moment. That's why you needed him to protect you. Someone so easy to break and seduce shouldn't be on their own. That's why Tanjiro would accept you, so you could stay close. For your own good.. All you had to give him was your attention and being. 

Tanjiro sighed but for a different reason than you would ever know. If only he could put you in a box too.

B "Luckily I'm not as badly hurt like the rest of you." Tanjiro sat at your side and picked up your limp hands. "I don't know what I would have done if something were to happen to you." A small smile spreads across your face, "You would never lose us Tanjiro, Inosuke would definitely be hard to bring down." 

The attempt to make a joke is invaded as Tanjiro cups your cheek. Rough battle-worn fingertips graze your lips. Tanjiro gazes at them as he speaks, his bottom lip worried by his teeth as his other hand ghosts over your bandaged wounds. It was a perfect performance. One that replicated the emotion of one who wants to make a move but holding themselves back. One that you effortlessly believed. "You don't understand, I don't want to lose you."

Tanjiro stands up and walks towards your door. Just before opening it, he turns with a doleful look on his face. "Rest up okay?" You nod quickly. Lips puckered into an O of surprise. Tanjiro closed the door, his demeanor doing a complete 180. His gaze was calculated and precise. Tanjiro had planted a seed of conflict, and all he had to do was wait till tomorrow to sow it.

You woke up bright and early the next day, wrists sore but thankfully no longer numb. Unthankfully, you were bedridden until your ankle has healed itself correctly. Sitting alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts was a dreadful way to spend time. However, you didn't want to disturb your friends. "Their life does not revolve around me." Getting sleep was an inviting solution.

A light tap on your door shifts your goal ever so slightly. "Come in!" You try not to look deflated when only a Kakushi boy comes in with a pail of water and new bandage wraps. 

Similarly, Tanjiro was helping around the state trending to his friends. Inosuke was being difficult as usual,  only wanting the springer to fetch him water and tea to feed his sore throat. On multiple occasions, he had to dissuade Zenitsu from trying to propose to random Kakushi women that would help clean his wounds but in the end, it was futile as he returned his infatuation to Nezuko who wistfully stayed in their shared room asleep.

By the time Tanjiro got any time to himself, the evening sun was already setting and most had retired to their own rooms. Heading to your room, Tanjiro thought of ways to get you to succumb faster to his advances. The sound of a door opening made his gaze shift abruptly. His vibrant brown eyes dulled when he saw a Kakushi boy leaving your room again. 

Entering your room was almost as if a joyous bomb had gone off. The smell of happiness was so strong it almost stinked. You didn't notice Tanjiro's soured mood as you observed your room. "He taught me how to make paper butterflies and put them on my ceilings, what do you think?!" He had indeed taught you Tanjiro mused as many of the butterflies had deformed wings of all sorts. "So what brings you here.?" Tanjiro looks back at you with a soft smile. "I just wanted the check-in on you, you must have been bored being cooped up in the room alone all day."

You shook your head, "No Kocho was here with me all day!" Tanjiro bit his tongue but maintained his smile, "Who's Kocho?" You laughed, "The Kakushi boy that just left. He had originally come just to change my wounds but then we got so interested in each other that he never left." With a blissful sigh, you tilt your head and murmur, "I hope he doesn't get into any trouble on the way back." 

Tanjiro is on you in a second, wrists held haphazardly above your head drawing slight sharp pains to your inner elbow. "Tanjiro?" His eyes observe the dark bruises swirling underneath your bandages, your hair slightly matted and in disarray, since you were the only one who knew how to do it. "You're so soft…" Having no reason to leave your room you had remained only partially dressed as a large kimono hung around your figure. Your chest easily being exposed by unnatural movements. "T-Tanjiro?" 

The boy hummed, leaning down to press a slow kiss on your brown nipple. "Say my name again.." You're taken aback by the sudden boldness and the warm feeling on your breast. "Tanjiro, what are you doing?!" He could feel himself becoming harder underneath his robe. Even though he said he was only indulging your crush to keep you near, he couldn't help but notice how sweet your skin tasted underneath his lips. "One more time, say it once again." Tanjiro begins to grind on the leg trapped in between his. He uses his other hand to cup your other boob before biting down on your nipple making you gasp. "Tanjiro!"

Your smell begins to become more lucid and tender at your arousal peaks through the haze. Your moans get airy and each time you say his name it turns more and more into gasps. Tanjiro squeezes down on your chest before traveling to your neck where his teeth sink into the flesh there. You ground yourself by holding onto his wrists. 

Tanjiro peels himself away from you as you go pliant underneath him. ‘This wasn’t the plan.’ Tanjiro removes his robe from around his shoulders exposing his tan skin. He couldn’t focus past your addicting scent and you couldn’t focus past the feeling of his hands fondling your chest. The belt of your kimono is quickly unraveled, “Look at you.”

Tanjiro pulls your undergarments off exposing your body completely. Through the fabric of his robe he thrusts shallowly against your pussy. The fabric rubs against your clit on every thrust. Both sides of the robe are becoming damp. "I haven't even touched you yet and you're already so wet." The smell of sweat and sex floods Tanjiro's nostrils making him more sensitive.

He unwraps his robe the rest of the way, tossing it elsewhere to leave himself completely exposed. Tanjiro felt a sense of pride as he watched your eyes trail over his muscled form. He wasn't buff by any means, but his training in agility and swordsmanship made his body lean and bulked in his arms and legs. "Only look at me."

You let out a surprised gasp when delicately firm hands drag your body down by your calf. Tanjiro uses his fingers to push the skin of your pussy up to force your clit to peek through. His other hand holds the base of his cock and he swirls the tip around your clit. "Tanjiro please, I'm begging you!" 

For a split second a look of unaltered disdain crosses his face before a more loving one takes over. "Your face is so cute, it almost makes me want to tease you more." Yes, that's it, play the part of a doting lover. You flinch the further his cock is pushed into you. Your bodies combine into a pulsating rhythm of jealousy and lust.

You squeeze snuggly around Tanjiro's and he sets a quick pace. Your legs try to curl to your chest but are stopped by Tanjiro's own body cornering you to the wood floor. Tanjiro steadies his breathing on every thrusts until his strokes are as smooth as the water he drinks. Slopping sounds and your pitiful cries equalize around the room. 

Tanjiro knew these walls were thin, in fact he was betting on it. "Y-You're so loud Y/n." You close your mouth at the tease but it doesn't work. Just as you go to cover your mouth you're stopped by a hand and a loving smile, "Dont, I like hearing you feel good." 

You cum, barely suppressing your sounds, hips twitching when Tanjiro cums inside right after you. An unnecessary act but one that could ensure even greater attachment if your body accepted him. 

Expertly playing the role Tanjiro cleans you up with an ever content smile on his face, this time genuine. "You should get some sleep, you'll be more sore than you were this morning." Tanjiro puts his hand on the know before flinching when you call out to him. "Tanjiro?" He doesn't turn around unwilling to force another smile. "Yes?" He can smell your apprehension as it covers the smell of sex. 

"I know its stupid to ask this but could you give me another kiss?" Tanjiro sighs silently, "Of course!" He forces his persona for the last time tonight and heads towards your bed. Halfway there he stops.

L

"Promise me you'll only look at me from now on." You smile giddily, "You're so weird Tanjiro of course I'll only love you." Tanjiro frowns and you fail to notice the space between the two of you growing smaller. "No, that's not good enough. I don't want to see you near that damn Hashira again." And then it happens. It only takes a split second before Tanjiro's face is in front of yours and the cold kiss of his blade presses against your neck.

"You wouldn't want something to happen would you?" You shake your head as he knew you would, "Good girl." Tanjiro has no care for the shocked tears gathering behind your lashes. Greedily he cups the back of your head and forces you into a kiss. All teeth pure spite as he swaps saliva with you. 

"There's your kiss." Without having to pretend any longer he drops his smile. The sinister complex of a perceived hero shining through dark eyes. He looks you up and down once again, fingers tapping along his blackened blade before taking his leave.

[bitchkay]

i need to know what your dia headcanons are bc for the life of me i can’t place what he’d be like 😐 all i know is there’s no way he’s done it before lmao

Cumming Coming right up😁

NSFW headcanons for court of darkness~

Rating: Explicit(18+ mdni)

Dia is a little shit.

After his Relentless Dreams of Desire I am to come to the conclusion that Dia is a playful tease.

This little bitc--

How dare you be that beautiful and malicious at the same time🤨

Dia finds joy in your flustered expression

He enjoys toying with you for entertainment.

Fucker

He's so mean😥

I love him.

He got a big ass mouth on him for someone that's 5 foot 7🤨🤨 *me also being 5'7*

He definitely gets blushy when put on the spot.

Dia is horribly stubborn and unless proven stupid, once he has his heart set on something or he considers something set in stone, he won't change his mind easily 

This also applies to you, and ends up being healthily clingy

Not really a person to 'mark his territory' but the hickey on your upper neck begs to differ

He swears it was an accident it wasn't

I feel like Dia ends up being addicted to your body once you get intimate

He genuinely can't get enough of you, you're like crack

Dia is very surprisingly tantalizing😳

When you look at Dia, seductive would not be the word you'd use to describe him right off the bat

But once you've shattered the ice barrier around his heart he's a fucking menace

Thin fingers softly caressing every inch of exposed skin as it's revealed to his eyes, pulling away the fabric barrier between two bodies

"If you do not say no… then I won't stop."

You'd never believe he was a virgin- LMFAOO--

But fr tho, I feel like no one at the academy is a virgin, consort, side character in all but Dia doesn't leave his room.

Dia one of them mfs that's like, logically, rationally, realistically, there's no way he's ever had sex, but if he wasn't a virgin I'd be like yea that make sense

Is that coherent???

Lemme get to his mischief ending first cus some of these mfs know they way around the bedroom a little too well🤨🤨

Honestly confidence is key cus Dia hasn't a clue what he's doing but he'll act like he does LOL

Going off you're reactions, see what you like/don't like

He wants you to vocalize your desires not just because he's teasing and wants to see you blush and get embarrassed but also cus he wants you to guide him without actually telling you to guide him

"Say it… lest you want me to stop, tell me exactly what it is you want."

Show no sign of weakness.

Once he's in the groove with things he just kinda does what feels natural to him

However he's not cute uwu mushroom boy with sharp tongue he's had us all fooled to be

Dia's fucking merciless.

This little bitc--

Delving into what was once unknown territory, he won't allow your body to rest

"Oh… this spot brings you pleasure~?"

Fucker.

He learned about your clit and went demon mode.

Finds your erogenous zones fast and pastes them to memory

He loves your ass.

He loves your ass.

He gripping and kneading your cheeks anyway he can, whenever he can

I'd say Dia has a good 7 inches of dick, average girth

It's a good dick, a very good dick😌

It's sensitive.

Loses every little ounce of composure he ever had when you suck his dick- LMFAOO--

he got a little overwhelmed sorry

"Don't- that's-... ugh~ you're so good at that~"

Ok tough guy where'd all the confidence go😇😇

Gets 'revenge' when he makes you cum afterwards.

"If you would prefer I be gentle with you, say so quickly."

He likes it when you comb your fingers through his hair

Idk it just does something to him when you run your fingers through his scalp

pulling his hair into a ponytail when he eats you out👀👀

Genuinely becomes a pussy addict.

He really can't get enough of you

You just feel so damn good inside, so warm, pillowy and wet, and you hold him so good, did he get you this turned on?

Your pussy's also like nothing he's ever tasted on his tongue before, so sweet, savory, he can stay here between your legs forever

"Mm more… yes.. that's it~"

You really got him obsessed with you

You're like a drug

And he likes being an addict.

Dia's also a sagittarius and idk that very sexy of him😩😩 /hj

[lessonslearnt]

Something to learn from ? Maybe you're meant to read this.

The lessons on mental health/relationships/life I’ve learned so far from my personal life experiences.

16. I remember my mom driving me to an urgent appointment at children’s mercy hospital downtown the day i returned from week long summer camp. My little sister, who had joined me at camp, had “ratted me out” to my mom.

I felt the way a drug addict would feel when being escorted back to rehab after returning from a week long bender.

All while being driven there by their cold, unaffectionate, un-empathetic, un-sympathetic, authoritarian mother; screaming at them for the duration of the half hour ride to the hospital.

In some ways, I WAS a drug addict. An addict for death, if death was symbolized as my “drug” , like a heroin addict returning to the the heroin, both myself and the heroin addict searching for the “high”, the release, the numbness, the sleep, the death.

Her words communicated: Disappointment. Shame. Black, deep, heavy self hate for what I was doing.

Face right up to mine. Screaming with angry passion. Flecks of spit on my cheek. Crying. Me. Always crying. Because I had a demon in me, and I had no control over what I was doing. Why didn’t they understand or believe me when I told them “I can’t help it…”?

She didn’t know how to handle me. I wasn’t an easy child, emotionally. She didn’t say or do the healthy or right things for me, and usually she actually exacerbated all of my hardwired mental dysfunctions.

But it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t have known based on HER own life experience how to be what I needed. She did her best. And I love her for that.

And it’s all ok, because it was all a part if the plan. She played a role in getting me to where I am today, at this moment in time.

Lesson: I will make mistakes in my loved ones’ lives, it doesn’t mean I love them less. And if I keep loving them, they will hopefully see that. And vice versa for those that wrong me. True love. Gods’ love. Not YOUR definition of love.

I forgive my mom, and I hope she forgive me too.

I remember the EKG machine in the doctors’ office suddenly beeping numerous, loud alarms from a box on wheels connected by wires to adhesive patches on my chest and rib cage.

The tech putting her head down, eyes to the floor, ever so slightly shaking her head in almost a ‘disappointed’ manner. My mom glaring at me with a cold side glance, simultaneously giving me the same exact slow, disappointed, shake of the head that the EKG tech was expressing.

The Doctor calls my mom into the hallway outside the exam room, alone.

Low, concerned, serious muffled voices.

Doctor returns, without my mother or anyone else, looks me in the eye, tells me that if it was up to him, he’d have me hospitalized right this second.

I am at high risk for dying at any minute, he tells me, but my mother is refusing inpatient treatment. “you have to be serious about wanting to live, or no body can help you”, a line that stands out in my mind. I have to want this and participate in aggressive rehabilitative treatment, outpatient.

I nodded my head slowly, shamefully, head tilted and eyes down to the floor, can’t make eye contact with him.

And he says “you might want to say farewell to those you love…” as he exits and closes the door.

That’s heavy shit, right?

But I didn’t care!

This meant my plan was WORKING! I was content, though, not even that. I don’t really understand what I felt.

Driving home, sitting at a red light, mothers’ face has been a wrinkled ball of tight, hot anger. Knuckles white and clenched over the top of the steering wheel. Horrible silence. Hot, muggy car.

Although, the enveloping 90 degree oven the car became in the roasting July parking lot of the doctors office felt wonderful to me, given I had 1-2% body fat.

My mother started in on a slow, aggressive, anger filled response to the events that had just transpired at the hospital.

Then a crack in her voice, she stopped talking, I looked over…

I saw her crying.

A wet trail leading from her right lower eyelid, sliding right on down off of her jaw line; a tear had just fallen from my mother’s eye.. I don’t see my mother cry. I don’t see my mother express sadness, Especially not for me!

I had seen my mother angry. I had seen mother disappointed. I had seen my mother express contentment with her surroundings. I had seen her have moments, just minute long moments, of flitting joy; usually just a false high before the crash. My mother wasn’t somebody you talk to about your problems. My mother wasn’t kind, nice, empathetic, sympathetic, warm, expressively loving, a hugger, a kisser, a “let’s do this together!”, let me put myself in your shoes, saying “I love you”,

Type of mother.

It’s not her fault. It’s not my fault. It was all a part of the plan.

The emotion that rarely surfaced to the outward character of my mother, was that of which I was witnessing in the car this very moment. Sadness. Not just sadness though, empathetic grief for what her daughter was experiencing. A broadened mindset in regards to what another human benign could potentially be tolerating in their mind, outside of their control. A realization that not every hurtful action towards you by other people is maliciously carried out. That people aren’t perfect. That people have real, raw, loss of control. That mental DISORDER, caused by genetic predisposition and environmental conditions, is a dysfunction of the brain ORGAN, at times out of ones control.

It appears through her actions to follow that she realized her child had essentially been suffering from a chronic health condition, no different from say, type 1 diabetes (dysfunction of the organ, the pancreas), one that her child could not control, and one that needs just as much intervention as any other bodily disease.

She couldn’t think this way about all of my “quirks” and “behavioral issues” until this moment, until JUST now.

At least, that is my perception based on her reactions and expectations of me I observed going forward.

Prior, she couldn’t think of me as anything but 100% in control of my thoughts, actions, and decisions; not trying hard enough to “get better”. She didn’t realize that the demons that she learns about every Sunday in church could manifest so blatantly in her picture perfect life!

Until this moment.

She loved me in that moment, that is, showed me that she felt sad for what I was experiencing; told me that she loves me.

Told me that she loves me.

Told me that she wanted to support me in any way she could, and that she didn’t blame me for all of my actions, and that she wants me to feel better because she…wants ME to feel BETTER.

No strings attached, no other motives or fake prayers at the dinner table that I’d “magically be cured overnight”.

She still didn’t take me to inpatient treatment out of fear of all the people in her social group “finding out” about the fuck up that they had so clearly produced. But hey, I get it. I really do.

That was the right decision, it ended up working out beautifully. It got me to where I am at this moment in life. The perfect moment.

Lots of intensive outpatient psychiatry and psychology appointments, as well as starting the medication Paxil, helped to jumpstart some recovery and motion forward.

In addition to those interventions, experiencing the communication of love my mom had just given to me, helped me return to a functioning level of mental health. Without that, no other intervention would have helped me.

The OCD voices were quieter. I learned therapeutic thought interventions to help with rational thinking. I felt…numb.

I know the medication made me feel a bit numb, and I’ve seen this side effect on many forums where people are sharing their “reasons for stopping an anti-depressant”…“it just made me feel numb…like a zombie, man…”

Yeah, see, I don’t understand that. At THAT time, anxiety and depression physically HURT my mind, body, and soul, so badly that feeling any sort of NUMB was a reprieve from the alternative option.

I started school, junior year of high school. I made friends. LOTS of friends. And a couple very, very close ones. I experienced the closest, most honest, and truest loving relationships with friends I had ever experienced on that level prior.

These RELATIONSHIPS were the real anti-depressant at this time. This still holds true as a fact, to me, that healthy, honest, mutually loving relationships are the best remedy for a depressed mind.

I feel that maybe…God let’s us get just the right amount of depressed in order to force us to expand our life and reach out for other relationships. Sometimes. It depends on the story he has for you.

But what do I know?

An overwhelming euphoria overcame me, the best feeling I had felt to date. Friends. Deep, connected, loving people in my life. I just wanted to give love and be loved. And my new friends wanted the same. We were high off love, I stopped using all drugs (after using them pretty frequently, especially marijuana), and never drank or “partied”. Just experienced life with like minded, loving human beings.

My creativity and passion, soared on the wing tips of my new found relationships.

But some relationships don’t last forever.

People rapidly change at 16. My new found friends found new found interests in drugs and/or new “boyfriends”.

Shit happens to everyone, I suppose.

But me, being hyper emotional and feeling as though losing my friends was like losing romantic love partners, my mind started to be clouded slowly, but fiercely, by depression.

Ugh, then the cycle! Depression leads to OCD, leads to anxiety, leads to depression, around and around and around…just takes a spark of something to start the demons’ cycle.

Sleeping through class all day. Back to marijuana. Reaching out, but now there really was NO body there, or so I perceived. Alone. Panicked. OCD thoughts returned with a vengeance.

People don’t ever have, In my opinion, a clear picture of what OCD looks like in ones’ mind.

The world views OCD as:

Weird rituals, sometimes due to anxiety about germs or disorganization; likes things organized to reduce anxiety; neurotic <well THAT can be true, haha.

A more realistic description, IMO, of OBSESSIVE AND/OR COMPULSIVE thought processes, for me and most others I’ve talked to with similar minds/diagnosed OCD, is that of my mind at this time in my life:

All of my actions and the thoughts I would willingly produce in my mind were determined by whether they met a set of guidelines, based off of the doctrine of Christianity, mostly, but also some arbitrary rules I’d created for my self.

Everything was “good” or “evil”, “right” or sinning".

I thought to myself, “maybe if I do everything God asks of me, he will grant me internal peace at last…”.

I rule followed and ritual abided my way with false purpose through life, irrationally believing that living this way would please God and grant me “a real life”, free of the mental burden.

I reached out for and tried to foster a couple relationship/friendships with other people, but they didn’t feel right. I just wanted to be alone.

My new escape from life, OCD. Plans, lists, cleaning, organization, exercising, every calorie and micronutrient counted for. Carried out the exact routine, every day. So much time devoted to the drive for the routine, no real relationships being fostered or created at this time.

The routine… the one I thought would grant me peace from God.

I punished myself heavily for “sinful” or “impure” thoughts.

Journal entries from this time are eye opening because you can see the conversations I had with, what I then and now call, the “demon”…

Thoughts the demon would produce and attempt to force me to carry out include but not limited to:

Feel like I wanted to be done, feeling tired, unable to produce one single more thought. feeling like I wanted to cut myself. feel like I wanted to kill myself in order to just…be done, be asleep, as simple as that sounds?

feeling like I wanted to starve myself to death, for the same prior reasoning.

Another mis-conception: Every person with an eating disorder, is doing it to “look” a certain way or because of poor body image, although our culture gives girls/women a good reason to have one for those reasons.

The mind of someone diagnosed and almost killed by anorexia:

I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t know any other way to do it without upsetting those around me too much. I thought, if I just don’t eat, I will die. I can blame it on…some sort of illness. I’ll deny I did it to the end, so they won’t KNOW that I killed myself. And I will suffer in the meantime, I thought, since I’d be starving and dizzy and wasting away..

I liked suffering, you see, very fucked up stuff, yes!

To this day, after reaching what I consider to be the healthiest place I have ever been in my entire life, and after having studied all mental disorders exhaustively, I am not exactly sure why I obtained pleasure from hurting myself, all the time, in all sorts of ways, at that time in my life.

The thoughts that lead to THOSE (self harming) feelings, were and are SOMETHING else, not me.

Call it a demon, as I’ve labeled it, or whatever, but it’s not ME controlling them…and well…

We all know that thoughts lead to beliefs leads to actions, leads to REALITY.

Philosophers could argue what the demon was and IS…but it’s not ME, it’s not what I ever wanted to be…

You don’t have that perspective of mental health at seventeen or eighteen years old. Thoughts are you and you are your thoughts,

Good or evil,

And let me tell you a secret…

The demon, OCD, whatever you label it, puts a lot of evil thoughts in your brain without your permission.

A lot of “worse case scenarios”.

But not just thinking them, experiencing them! visualizing them! playing them all out, one by one, from least worst case scenario to best worse case scenario (following?)..just like a detailed movie.

And watching that movie makes me anxious. It makes me feel a great desire to engage in a cycle of “action checking” in order to prevent the movies from becoming reality.

“Action checking”. Basically just anxious thoughts running through your mind, making sure you’re abiding by “the rules”, again, to make sure your visions never become reality.

My rules waxed and waned and came from no where in particular. The demon himself, perhaps!

Unfortunately, my SELF was not given mercy by the obsessive-compulsive nature of my mind.

Self-hate. Lots and lots of self-hate, brought on by obsessive thoughts about my imperfections. External, internal, and otherwise.

I knew I was different and “troubled”, but my internal will told me that I wanted to be “normal” more than anything, so I could be, so I thought, happy. Finally.

The depth of disordered thought processes and the depth of my mind remained secret; I maintained appearances; never quite “normal” per society’s standard, but flying enough under the radar to get by unnoticed most of the time.

That wasn’t healthy what I did, stuffing down and hiding symptoms that would occasionally, semi-frequently, drive me to suicidal ideation.

Suicidal ideation: something for me that I became aware that I would do during depression, mostly, but sometimes for not that much of a reason at all.

I “learned” to not act upon my impulses by sleeping. I could dream of being dead all I want, in bed, in my dreams, which would wet the appetite of the demon and take the urge away long enough to go away.

17. Senior year. My parents allow me to finally start taking Ritalin for ADD, something I was diagnosed with a few years prior.

I don’t blame my parents for not giving me medication sooner. They had their valid reasons, namely that I was born with a heart condition known as SVT, something thats could “flare” up, even silently, for the the rest of my life. It’s basically a fucking fast and out of control as hell heart beat that if not returned to normal within a certain amount of time, can cause death.

Stimulants + rapid heart condition = not a great mix. Totally get that.

But starting Ritalin changed my life.

My grades go from at most B-, mostly C’s, a couple D’s as the norm… to straight A’s my senior year, including advanced placement Spanish, Art, and anatomy/physiology. What the hell?

It really was a wonder drug for me academically, socially, emotionally…essentially I realized that whatever I have going on in my head to encourage and produce my actions (perhaps, ADD? But I hate definitive labels..) is calmed by this medication.

I don’t care about anyone else’s argument for or against the medication, for me, it changed my life TREMENDOUSLY, and if that puts me at greater risk for dying of a heart condition, so be it.

During this time I continued to maintain my anxiety levels (thoughts) through rituals and organization.

I returned to a fly-under-the-radar functional state my senior year of high school, in most part due to (I think/believe): Ritalin, Paxil, recent graduation from therapy, the ease at which school came to me at that point, the endorphins from running constantly for cross country, and having hours to decompress every day in senior placement art, where I could create whatever I could get my hands on, releasing TONS of negative emotion.

I was feeling so good, I stopped the Paxil cold turkey, mistakingly thinking, like many people do, that I was ‘cured’ and that I could handle things on my own without medication.

Most would, as I did for so long, call this a mistake, as it is true you should never stop an SSRI antidepressant without weaning from it per doctors direction. It actually can be life threatening to stop it in this manner, which I didn’t understand at the time. However, I don’t regret that decision, because it was a part of the matrix of decisions that I have made to get me to the current place I am in my life, with you. But I would never advise someone do this, just a quick call to the dr if you want to wean from medication.

I did ok. I went to college. I did what my parents recommended, which is actually wise for a young adult searching for direction and guidance for the future. They are highly successful. They claim to be happy. Copy, paste. Yeah, I’ll reach for that. Goals arbitrarily decided.

18-26 was a blur, just moving towards the aforementioned goals.

Roller coaster of emotion, dissociated from it with humor, no talk of emotions to ANYone. Not one single person knew even a twentieth of the capacity at which my mind could function “normally” under dysfunction. Private life. Secret life.

Lonely life.

What is true to me is my reality, and no one else.

Therefore, I’ll use the word true to describe the feeling of having a real, understood, raw connection with another person. Something I can not explain to you, only I know.

There was no one true. There was me on the “surface” to all of those around me, people only received glimpses when i fucked up at hiding myself. Reaching out, not sensing what I need. Who I need. Who did I need? What did I need?

In private, there was crying on the bedroom floor, crying until my pillow literally dripped with tears, heavy emotion brought on by everything, nothing. Everything just feels like too much. I can’t keep up with this life. I don’t have the energy. I can’t appease the demon. I can’t live up to his standards.

cutting my body, hiding my cuts, loving the pain when my sleeve brushed up against the cuts, hating myself for being so “fucked up” to do such a thing, chugging vodka, gin… or really anything intoxicating…as much as I could, often alone.

Feeling my body for imperfections.

Finding them.

Disgust.

Barely keeping myself from cutting at them. It would feel so good…but why?

This is confusing.

Moment of clarity: why am I doing this? Why do I want to CUT MY BODY? Why does it feel so good to hurt my self?

8 years, always had my finger on the mouse button, cursor on the “submit appointment request” button on the website offering free mental health services to students/young adults.

I knew that my mind was not operating healthfully, but I knew what getting help meant.

It meant that they would recommend I stop the things that comforted me the most. The addictions, the things that numb, the obsessions and compulsions. You see? The demon is self preserving, it makes you think you can’t exist without it.

If I couldn’t get to the bottom of why my mind functioned the way it did, I felt no one else could either.

(It’s ok, because now I know why it functioned/functions the way it did/does, and it was all for the purpose of getting me to the moment I am at today, with you.)

I lived during this period of time feeling as if I was living a life “not worth living”, and I was, in a way.

Life was torture. And that leads to guilt; you see what everyone else sees, a lucked-out-at-life girl in the least bit of tortuous surroundings.

You don’t know why, exactly, that life’s torture.

It’s like your true self in the depth of your soul is looking for an answer to a question that can’t seem to ever be fully answered. You can’t quite grasp onto what the question is, so you damned well don’t know the answer.

But some thing is telling you to ask and seek with insatiable thirst. A thirst that leaves you depressed and strung out, ready to give up, if not attempted to quench.

Mind expanding, opening to what the question, what the answer, could be?

At this time I THOUGHT I had expanded my mind to its max capacity of being “open minded” (don’t we all usually think that?), but the quench was still there; anxiety and overwhelming fear creeps in. This is it? This can’t be it, the thoughts are still there!

I’ve expanded and opened my mind! I don’t understand, what do I want? What is my goal and purpose in life? Who is God? Does God even exist?

Wait!

These are..

The Questions.

Ok, now I just need the answers.

My arbitrary goals as previously mentioned, start becoming met, each without any increase in my subconscious goals of peace and happiness, or answered questions.

But with the hope that they were part of the answers to my questions, I kept going.

In retrospect, It seems a root of my anxiety was perhaps having an extremely philosophical mind? Brought on by a tremendous volume of thoughts and rapid thought cycling? Perhaps.

If you could think about a facet of life, I felt I had thought it, especially compared to those around me. My mind was on overdrive, I couldn’t Intake enough stimuli to wet my appetite for answers and knowledge.

I knew deep down that having my mind had to be a positive energy for the world somehow, I could sense others pain and emotion, after all. I had pain when others had pain, and found pleasure in expressing empathy and helping others reach a positive energy and mindset. I started to feel an ounce of self worth, for the first time ever.

I started to wonder if my purpose was revealing itself slowly? Could the fucked up mental health cards I had been dealt, been dealt by God on purpose in order to experience what I had experienced, so that I could have the capacity to truly and completely empathize with others?

Maybe. God’s purposes are all in love, after all.

At some point in college:

After one of the many times I felt I could not handle the internal me, when I realized I hadn’t found answers..

I think, so let’s try to fix this “mental instability” issue one last time. Let’s step back. What piece of knowledge or eternal truths or WHATEVER will take away the anxiety, the compulsive thoughts and actions, the depression, the desire to leave this lifetime…….away? Let’s get to the bottom of the questions.

I want to be normal. There’s something I’m missing. A piece to the puzzle. I’m going to try to get better. I’m going to try harder.

25. Insert mass amounts of knowledge intake. Every subject I could think of, googled, documentaries galore. I had to find the answer before I lost all control. I explored answers to every question I had about life. I practiced yoga, meditation, vegetarian dieting, positive thinking practices, sleep hygiene, effort, effort, effort…. not working…..anxiety exponentially worsening because I felt like I just gave all my energy into last ditch efforts to be “normal”, and even my greatest efforts could not set me free me from who I was.

26. Depression creeping back in. The weight of the world.

I now know so much more information, but it’s only worsened my state. The more information I obtain about the world, the more depressed I become.

I can’t change it, I’m growing tired of trying and putting SO much EFFORT into life. I gave myself one last chance to “get better”…now what?

To be fair, I feel like through deep meditation during this time I had briefly understood, for a moment, that the point to life was to do and think everything in love, even to yourself. That is all. Nothing else.

God is love. We have God inside of us. Happiness is bringing out and remaining in Gods presence, love, as much as and as often as possible.

God doesn’t even have to be how you describe the one that can bring you happiness. Spirit, Creator, or just simply, Love. Call the force whatever it means to you.

I felt bliss for a couple days following this revelation, I had answered my question! I felt it! I really, truly, felt i had, at least part, of my questions answered.

But the bliss sharply faded as I quickly realized that even though i had the answer, not a single other person in my life did; Not that I could SENSE, anyways. Not in the way I understood it. Not it the way others expressed/claimed they understood it. It was like God had spoken to me, but I couldn’t share the experience with anyone, because the lock and key just didn’t work. If others truly understood what I felt, I could tell them anything about myself, and they would love me anyways. I couldn’t sense this as an outcome with anyone around me.

The actuality and depth of my revelation left me alone, feeling different, feeling frustrated with the world and God.

Why give me the answer with no one to share it with?

Depression. Hard. Fast. I’m 26.5, and suddenly I’m a different person, but I don’t know this yet. This hasn’t been revealed to me. I stop taking care of my appearance. I stop exercising. I couldn’t hardly make it work on time, getting late points for the first time ever. Calling in “sick” a few days because I couldn’t get out of bed. I mean, my body wouldn’t let me. There was no point. Suicidal ideation is strong now, but I’m experienced with my mind at this stage in the game. I don’t take the demon too seriously this time, I just know he’s there, and it hurts every part of me.

It actually frightens me to have such a clear perspective of the demon vs ME in my mind. This made possible because of the experiences and maturing I’d gone through at this stage in my life and, naturally, more matured mental capacities vs the last full force encounter with the demon with a teenagers mind and brain.

Cliche truth: The demon isn’t you. It can tell you to think and do things you don’t want to. Everyone’s demon is different in its manifestations, but the demon is real. Your mind CAN control you, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

I heard it. Just nudging, nudging, pick up the pill bottle. Dump them into your hand. Feel them. Imagine them all in your stomach. Imagine the sleep. So amazing. It would be over, complete.

August. Springfield Missouri for a friend’s wedding. I feel done. I feel so, so, tired of opening my eyes each morning.

Drive there: praying a car would hit us on the highway and kill me. Praying hard.

Wedding venue: a very tall skyscraper in the downtown area; I can’t stop imaging bodies falling from the highest windows. I imagine myself falling. I calculate the likely hood of landing on a different balcony, of how long Id be suspended in air, free-falling before instant death?

Train tracks behind our hotel. I’m suddenly out there, on the tracks, eleven or so at night.

I don’t know what I’m doing, I just wanted to BE there.

Train is coming, my mind is telling me to play chicken with it.

I sit on the tracks. The train is coming. It’s headlight blinds me. It’s horn vibrates my entire body through the metal and wood of the tracks.

It’s exhilarating. I feel alive. I’m excited.

Suddenly: I’m worried I’ll ruin our friends’ wedding tomorrow. What if I don’t die and I just end up a vegetable? This isn’t going to definitively kill me, this isn’t thought out. This isn’t planned well enough.

Sat two feet from the tracks as it went by. Felt the sparks from the wheels grinding the tracks hit my legs. Felt numb from the sounds of the horn enveloping my entire body in sound vibrations. It hurt my ear drums, and I liked it. I think I still have some hearing loss from this experience.

But that’s ok, it all turned out OK. It was all supposed to happen.

If I had killed myself, I would have never been on earth long enough to know what I know now.

I felt ashamed about the train, but no one knew. I felt ashamed because that is not ME, that is not a decision I would make! The control, the power, someTHING had over me.

And then, one day, a few months later, clarity.

I was filled with empathy for all those who have experienced suicidal thoughts and attempts in the past, and for those who continue to experience them every DAY.

I have an advantage over the demon. Mental strength from fighting it since I was seven years old. Such an advantage.

I am filled with love when I think of all the individual souls, people, who couldn’t help but fulfill the viciously tempting will of the demon, at the time of their death. Their “suicide”.

For many people, the demon comes into their mind out of no where, full force with no prior experience for a person to use against it. They listen, because they do not know better.

See, rather than making the decision to kill themselves, they were walking a plank on a pirate ship, blind folded, stumbling to their death. They didn’t decide to do this.

Organisms are innately and subconsciously self preserving.

The pirate commanding them off the plank was the demon, of course.

Each person carrying a different demon, using different tactics, usually through thought of the mind, to carry out THEIR will. That is, to make a human end their own life.

This encounter-realization of “hearing” someone, someTHING, else, in my mind, scared me enough to call my psychiatrist and set up an appointment with a psychologist.

But at the exact same time, I started going on breaks outside a couple times per day at work with the “smokers group”. Mostly because I was so depressed I couldn’t focus on work. I couldn’t give less of a shit about anyone, anything, myself.

I was possibly facing the worse depression I’ve ever faced in my life. In the past, finding honest, true, loving relationships was the key to suppressing the demon. And this time would be no different.

In fact, the love that came from a relationship, is what would ultimately give me my answer to my questions. By changing my routine, influenced by depression, I met a person that would change my mind and life forever. A person that God used to communicate His answers to my questions for me. At 26.9 years old, I can honestly say, I have peace. I am not normal, at all. I am me.

When you’re depressed or suicidal, you may hear those around you say, “just hang in there, it’ll get better”. Bleg. Means nothing to a depressed mind.

But let me tell you, you do have the ability and power to find peace, even with your mental “differences” (experiences as I like to call them). Just be you.

This takes loving yourself for who you are. And to love yourself you must be and aspire to be who you love .Once you do that, you will attract people to you that love you for who you are. People that can know you better than you know yourself, sometimes, but that still love YOU.

The first step if you’re struggling with any mental health disorder, is to seek psychiatric help. Sometimes you need some help clearing the cloud, the demons directions, so that you can get back on the path YOU want. You may not need medication or therapy forever, but they are amazing tools, and are just interventions for an ill mind like anyone would do for any other ill organ in the body. Secondly:

Connections with other likeminded and loving people. Hate to say it, this may or may not be your family and/or current friends. Be open to making connections with anyone one around you, especially if they’re reaching out. You never know who is meant to be in your life.

Love in all you think and do. But it’s ok to not think or be lovingly at times, because that’s the balance of life, but just try. Can’t hurt to try.

I love you. I can honestly say that. To know God is to know Love.