#you're aro and you've never dated anyone? okay

[aromantic-diaries]

"but you've dated before, you can't be aromantic" "but you've never dated anyone, how could you know you're aromantic" shut up

[growinguparo]

Hii! this is my first post here and i'm not sure about what to say, but i hope someone can help me. I'm really new to all of this, this world of aromanticism, it's like i found something that was missing. i just came to realize being aroace this year, so i'ts just a few months of knowing that i'm aromantic, but i'ts years of being aromantic and honestly, i couldn't say i'm not confused, but i really want some advice on how to.. accept myself. because, honestly, i reaally love romance movies and books, and i grew up thinking some day it would be me, but what if it isn't, what if it's not going to be me, like ever. how do i lead with that? how do accept the possibility to not fall in love like everybody else does, and meet someone to stay together for all life an get married. i know i don't want to get married, but this idea is internalized in my head, how to be happy without romance? without a partner to take care of me, to support me, to help me. maybe one day i'll wake up and realize that i've fallen in love and that i'm not going to be single forever and that i can be just like people expect me to be. but what if i don't? what if that day won't come and i'll be "Loveless". i really loved that book Loveless and i't just felt like maybe it wasn't that bad to be like this, i also watched Koisenu Futari and honestly, i never felt so part of something, like i've found the REAL happiness for me, not that one that people always talk about, saying that is the only happiness, to date, get married and have kids. i know most people feel fulfilled with this, but what if i don't? i'm not everybody else, i don't need to live based on people's expectations. if anyone reading this, feel something similar, please(if you like) share your experiences :) thank you for your attention

tbh my first impression here is that you've already figured out what i think is the most important part: the fact that what will (most likely) make you happy is different than what seems to make everyone else happy. and you being happy is the goal. you've figured out that you don't want that traditional romantic relationship, and that that's okay. that's awesome!

i also love that you were able to see yourself positively within Loveless and Koisenu Futari in a way that felt authentic to you. representation helps us imagine what our life could be like. if you can't see yourself in a traditional marriage, what can you see yourself doing? you could live a life like in Koisenu Futari. allow yourself to imagine a life you would be happy and authentic in. try to be free with it, not shooting down ideas because they're "unrealistic". (btw - this might be hard. there are nearly infinite varieties of romantic relationships that are spoonfed to us from birth. coming up with your own ideas is harder than being spoonfed, so don't get discouraged.)

if you haven't already i'd suggest reading about relationship anarchy. it's basically the idea that no one type of relationship is superior to another, and within your relationships you can do whatever you want forever, tailoring them to your needs and wants.

besides that, i think acceptance takes time. you're altering your view of yourself and your future and your place in the world. you've had your whole life to get used to one reality, one self-image, and now you're changing that. it takes time to get used to.

there are also some very real material concerns that come along with being aro. to name a few: navigating the world as a single person is harder legally and financially. western society is built on individualism and we are trained to only seek emotional support from a life partner, even though that is a blatantly unstable way of living even for allos. that can result in single people struggling to find continued support throughout their lives.

accepting being aro doesn't mean the hard parts go away, and ignoring them will not help. it's like accepting being gay - there are real material concerns that come along with being gay, but you can still love being yourself and love being gay. and you can fight to make the world a better place for people like you, if you want to.

followers, any advice?

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

As an aroace I always wondered how it feels to be "in love" and how I realize if I am in love. I never had been or just didn't realized it but it happened that people started to tell me I would be and when I tried dating I realized pretty fast this wasn't the case and I was just feeling uncomfortable.

Since then I've been asking myself how do I know? Everytime I try to google how it feels like I just find how it feels for people who aren't on the a-spec. This is starting to drive me crazy. Especially because I'm almost 30 and everyone starts to tell me how I have to hurry and find a partner otherwise my life will be miserable because I don't have a partner and children. But what if I don't want that?

Right now I'm only putting so much preassure on myself because I'm scared of being alone later on even if I know I don't need or want such a relationship. For me it would be more than enough to live in a platonic houshold like a shared flat. All that is important for me is to have people around with whom I can talk to and spend some time with but also hide in my room alone if needed.

Yeah I don't want to live completely alone but I also don't want such a relationship and most of all I don't want kids. Just give me friends I can move in with and I'm happy.

Thinking about living with someone and have to spend 24/7 with them makes me feel so uncomfortable. I need my own space, my own room where I can go to for some me-time. I don't want to share EVERYTHING with another person and have no place to be able to retreat every now and then. It already makes me so uncomfortable when I see my parents and thinking about that this apparently is supposed to be my future. They have not a single room to themself, they have to share their bedroom, the living room, just everything and always have to make compromises how they want to set up the rooms and do stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm fine with doing that but again give me at least one room that's only mine and where I can do whatever and how ever I want to do things without taking another person into account and asking if this is okay with them. And I also want to make my own plans without having to ask another person first if it's okay all the time.

Sorry for the long text I just needed to rant because this bothers me for years now and it just don't seem to get better but worse and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this problem.

In love can mean different things to different people, and it can feel differently too. I would say anyone or anything you care deeply about you can consider yourself to be in love, but this is also a term you can define for yourself. Being in love is also not something you have to experience or you have to want, some people never feel like they're in love, and that's OK too. I always feel like that ability to choose and define things for ourselves is a big part of the a-spec experience. And it can make things more difficult, but it can also be more fulfilling in the long run.

Not finding a partner by a certain age doesn't mean you're destined to be lonely or miserable. And some of the things you mention like wanting your own room/space or liking the idea of living with friends are definitely things I've heard other aros say they like too. This isn't an impossible situation, though it does involve finding your people, but people who want similar things do exist.

It sounds like you've been under a lot of pressure to fit a certain mold, or live your life a certain way. That can definitely be difficult, but know you're not alone. And that you're allowed to live your life in whatever way you feel works for you.

All the best, Anon! Take care!

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

Okay so Ik I’m ace and sorry for this long thing. Im pretty sure I’m Aro but like I remember having a childhood crush and a few other feelings towards people that weren’t platonic. I think it is alterious attraction.

Most people that are Aro talk about how they have never had any crush’s but I have. I haven’t been in any relationships or had my first kiss (I’m only 18) I thought that was just because my friend group didn’t hang out much and I went to an all girls school ( I did experience some form of alterous attraction to at least one friend that ik of ) .

I have always thought about being in a relationship like shown in all the romance movies and dream of having that kinda love but also on real life feel awkward about it. But like never really liked the idea of dating and found that weird and also kinda grossed out by kissing. I say that I’m Aro spec as I feel a mix of Demi, grey and cupio romantic all apply. I think I experience such strong alterious attraction that it may seem romantic yet my crush don’t effect my like how society says crush’s make people or the way recent friends have described them to me. And also all the things I would want to in a relationship are not strictly romantic as it’s more just intertwining fingers and curling up on a couch watching movies and travelling the world together.

It’s like I’m Aro but also sometimes feel by saying that I am closing myself up to the idea of any relationships in the future or I might not be Aro and just weird. Idk. I don’t know what I would do if someone asked me out and I only really like the idea of relationships from far away. I don’t know what the standard amount of crush’s allo people have. I feel like all I really want is a partner is life.

Sorry for the long rant and all the bad grammar and if this is annoying. I’m also scared this response may say I’m not actually Aro and I will feel like I have been lying to people by saying I’m not. I’m just kinda confused but I feel like I’m like a Bi- oriented aroace

howdy! mod amaranth here

all these doubts are completely valid! don't worry, this ask isn't annoying, and i can see that this has clearly been bothering you.

the rule of thumb is is that if you think you're aro, you're aro! if you think you're bi oriented aroace, then you are! and if it turns out you aren't, then that's okay too, because now you've learned something about yourself. you're not hurting anyone by exploring your identity and trying on different labels.

there are so many different ways to be aro, and you are absolutely not closing yourself up to opportunities by identifying as such. aromantic is defined as the lack of, or no attraction. in fact, aro is an umbrella term for the whole spectrum! attraction does not equal action, and if you want a relationship, then don't let your orientation stop you.

on that note, if you haven't already, i'd urge you to take a look into queerplatonic relationships! they're relationships with the same commitment as a romantic relationship, but lack the actual romantic feelings. i think that that could be something you might be looking for. of course, if it's the commitment part of dating you don't like, you can always try finding someone who is willing to do the things you want to do with them (such as a friend, or another member of the aspec community).

i hope this helps, anon, and good luck in your future endeavors <3

[acespec-ed]

Oh boy okay I never tend to discuss/question about my own labels and such so this is my first time trying to voice out my feelings about this; I really need an opinion/advices on this! I've always been convinced that I was a 100% AroAce, more specifically ApothiAroAce or Idem/Apathetic toward these sorts of things. I've tried relationships multiple times in the past but realized I simply never felt that way toward others, and whenever someone would confess to me / show any romantic/sexual advances I'd become violently repulsed. Romance more specifically has been a source of genuine disgust for me...

Up until recently, everything changed with that one specific person, and I've been pretty much having an identity crisis over it. I'm 20 and I've never once felt romantic desires or feelings towards anyone, yet I had the balls to confess, and I'm genuinely the happiest person on earth now that we're dating. Romantic activities and affectionate gestures in general comes naturally, without the slightest discomfort. I had no idea I could ever feel these sorts of things toward anyone...

HOWEVER I am now deeply troubled and confused about my labels and identity as a whole. I still feel the same exact way about anyone else but that one single person. I'm sincerely in love with them and I'm fully committed... But I'm absolutely baffled and speechless, and a little anxious since being AroAce has been a big part of my identity for the longest time. I still feel like I belong on the spectrum for sure, but I'm puzzled as to what I could potentially identify as. This is the first time I ever loved someone beyond platonic means... 😓

Do you have any suggestions? Any thoughts that could be potentially helpful? I tried to read more into microlabels and I can't tell anymore. I'm truly at loss of words and thoughts on that one.

I can relate to this. I've been through similar but with sexual attraction, and it gave me major imposter syndrome. I'm glad it sounds like you're still confident you're on the spectrum!

It's rough and intense for sure, and the honeymoon period is real. Just try not to get too distracted to the point where you're abandoning friends. If you stay together long enough, there's a decent chance these intense feelings will wear off as you become more comfortable around each other. It's normal and nothing to worry about, as long as there's no major issues or conflict going on that can't be talked out.

As for labels, you could always call yourself gray aro or just arospec. For a more specific label, you could go with uniromantic, which means you've only been romantically attracted to one person in your whole life. Though if you're not confident that this'll be the only person you'll ever be romantically attracted to, you could go with arospike. It's when you rarely experience romantic attraction, but when you do, it's strong. You didn't mention sexual attraction at all, but if you're feeling that too, unisexual and acespike are the sexual equivalents.

It's easy to get caught up in finding that perfect label, but don't worry if you can't find it. It's valid to find one that's just "close enough" and go by it. You can even keep using aromantic/aroace as an umbrella term.

Regardless of what you decide to do, I wish you good luck with your relationship! 🧡💛🤍💙

[atherix]

For the fanfic trope ask game: character meets a polyam person for the first time and suddenly realizes “wait I could have that and I’m not Bad and Wrong for longing for two people??”

I have very mixed feelings about this, as a polyam person myself.

I love to see characters realizing "oh it's okay?? Wait there's nothing wrong or bad with being like this?" However, there are times when... authors do it very badly. Like, obviously in Hands in Fate I pull this a bit when Scar finds out Martyn is dating both Ren AND Cleo, but these are also his close friends and not someone he's just met for the first time.

I think- and I really, really feel this way as someone who is poly- that there is a huge difference between meeting a stranger and finding out they're poly, and discovering your friend has entered into a poly relationship. There's the issue of trust, of course- you don't know the beliefs or morality of a stranger, but generally speaking you do know the beliefs and morality of a friend. And being poly is more than "I want to be with more than one person." Poly is based HEAVILY on trust and understanding, and just knowing it's okay to want two people and actively wanting two people does not necessarily equate to being poly- it just means having feelings for multiple people, which I think is something nearly everyone who is not aro- or demiromantic has experienced.

Strangers you've just met are not a basis on which to judge yourself or morality. I've never met a stranger who lived differently than me and thought "oh wow they do this thing that I wasn't sure about, maybe it's okay after all!" But I have had that moment with friends- "Oh this person I cherish and trust implicitly does this, maybe it's okay if I do too?" AND THEN. AND THEN. You experiment. You figure it out, because your thoughts on the matter and your feelings are two completely different things.

Let's face it- some people are not built for poly relationships. Even if you want to be with two people doesn't mean you're capable of it- maybe you don't have the emotional energy, or maybe you can't stand the idea of your partners seeing other people (in the case of an open poly relationship). Every poly relationship has its own rules, of course, but the rules should be fair for everyone involved- if you want an open relationship but your side is the only side that's open, that's not fair to your partners. It's either open poly or closed poly, you can't have both. (Quick note, closed poly just means the partners of the relationship are established and to add anyone to the relationship requires consent from everyone in the relationship.)

You never know for sure unless you try it (IF you are thinking positively about poly- if your immediate visceral reaction is NO WAY NAH AH then poly isn't for you, case closed, NEVER coerce or otherwise try to force or convince someone into trying poly if they are not positive about trying it) BUT. But meeting more people with those feelings could give you the push to actually try it out for yourself.

So, I guess with that little tangent/rant, I will go with C. I'm neutral to this trope. It can be done well and it can be done terribly. I'm not opposed to it but I'm not crazy about it, because figuring out you're poly is a lot more than "I want to be with multiple people and according to this person that's okay" and frankly I just have trust issues and don't trust strangers <3

Sorry for the impromptu Poly talk but I rarely get a chance to express my feelings on this hgjhfjk-

Send me a trope and I'll rate it!

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

You made me realize i might be Ace like Tolya. Thank you. (That or just s3x repulsed)

I don’t see or want anything romantic and to me it feels awkward with kissing and holding.

I’m affectionate and with friends too. I like hugs and cuddles but the thought of more intimacy is just awkward/gross to me.

Don’t even want kids tbh. Can always adopt or foster 🤷🏻‍♀️

“You’re not mature enough. You’ll soon realise that.” Okay Karen, but to my neurodivergent Ass it’s gross.

I do like the feeling/thought of love. I romanticise love.

It took me a long time to realise I was Ace, because I'd been dating for years and I sort of just expected that everyone felt the way I felt. But upon realising that some people look at a stranger and their first thought is, yes I'd tap that, is wild to me. I get aesthetic attraction, but the idea of intimacy without really knowing a person never crosses my mind. I understand conventional attraction to an extent, but I tend to not be attracted to people unless I know them, and it's possible to know people are attractive without being attracted to them which also confused me before I realised I was Ace. I have friends who are Aro and they love the idea of romantic love but just do not feel romantic attraction. Equally I have Aro and Ace friends who date and their reasons for doing so are so varied. I, myself, haven't been dating in over a year because of how my discovery of my sexuality impacted my previous relationship, and I had to better understand myself before I could be willing to find myself in a relationship again. I have a few Ace spectrum friends who date non Ace people because although the intimacy isn't a need for them, they're happy to have it because they like how happy it makes their partners and it's a pleasant experience. Equally I know intimacy repulsed Asexuals who date people who aren't asexual but they just don't have Intimacy in their relationships because their partners understand the repulsion and still want to date them knowing that sex isn't part of the package, because sex does not have to be a part of a relationship, it isn't a requirement.

I'm not Aro myself so I have less I can really speak from when it comes to experience on that front but several of my near and dears are and some have happy healthy relationships, and some are happy on their own. Sexuality and identity are things that are so personal, and with so many expectations on what the parameters and "rules" are when it comes to relationships romantic, platonic or friendship wise can make it really hard to figure out where you are. But if you're happy, and if you're with someone they are happy, whether other people understand that relationship or not is irrelevant.

Also levels of intimacy when it comes to asexuality vary widely too, I am an affectionate person, hugging and kissing my pals has always been something that's very okay with me, but I know aces who don't like touch at all, and I know aces who prefer more intimacy than I personally want. It's a spectrum, and it's different for everyone.

You just need to figure out what works for you, and what makes you happy and anyone who tells you that "you're too young to know better" or "you've not met the right person yet," I will PERSONALLY bite them.