#you wouldn't believe the level of genuine joy this gives me

[windsweptinred]

Oh I loved these questions @zigzag-wanderer thank you! 

I'm going to do these one at a time, since this first answer completely got away from me and just stopped short of becoming a full on essay. 😅 I'll return to answer 25 in another post. 

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

What would Dionysus’s family think of Orpheus and their relationship? In general?... Look at the new toy he's brought for us to play with. 😅

It's probably going to depend on the god when it comes to the Olympians. Mortal loves are ten a penny in their family, here today, gone tomorrow. So some may have complete disinterest in Orpheus. I can imagine Ares for example, not giving a flying fuck about a little human musician, beyond taking part in the family betting pool of how long he's going to survive before being, (A) Transfigured (B) Abducted (C) Unalived or (D) All three. 

Other gods may show slightly less indifference though. We know from Persephone that Demeter is a fan of his music. And wouldn't that just be too adorable, her fawning over him like a talented child at a family gathering. While Orpheus stammers and blushes and Dio preens. It's a powerful affiliation that may come in handy, considering Orpheus would have a significant target on his back when it comes to Zeus and Hera. 

Orpheus is the first mortal EVER to successfully complete the ‘cave run’. A fact that's not going to escape Zeus for long. And one he's certainly not going to let stand. We know with Zeus, his modus operandi when it comes to complications is to obliterate them. And at the end of season one, we see Zeus backed into a corner and I believe, at his most dangerous/impulsive. Worse still, Zeus may plan on reiterating his lesson on love with an increasingly rebellious Dionysus. And we saw what happened to Dennis… 

Hera would see this relationship as the perfect opportunity to fuck with Dionysus. She detests her husband's half mortal progeny and Dionysos being in love would be too much of temptation to wound him purely out of spite. They should count their blessings that she'd presently have bigger fish to fry. 

Aphrodite is a fun one to contemplate. What the goddess feels about her youngest brother/grand nephew's?? love life, I imagine like her, is as changeable as the breeze. But Orpheus is such a little devotee of amore isn't he? He lives to love, he's got a tattoo in homage to her son Eros on each arm for crying out loud. That man needs love to breathe easy. If it wasn't for Dionysus and Apollo, (we'll return to that little nugget later) I reckon Orpheus could have easily received the patronage of the goddess of love. As it is, I reckon she'd have a soft spot for him. But most importantly, she'd know Orpheus’s heart was true. And on her more tender days, she'd find pleasure in knowing Dionysus was truly happy in the joys of her dominion. 

I am devotedly wed to the lore that Hermes and Dionysus have a close brotherly bond. And a genuine love and affection for each other. So Hermes may be the only one of Dionysos’s siblings that considers the relationship on how beneficial it is for his baby brother. Not to say that's a particularly positive thing for Orpheus, having the trickster supreme tormenting him, in the name of deciding whether he's worthy. You have to pity the poor man for the kind of shovel talk the messenger of the gods, with his many, many, many talents, could deliver.

And now we get to Apollo…Oh, the complex cyclone of chaos that is the Apollo - Orpheus - Dionysus connection. In myth, Apollo and Dionysus have an equal level of importance/influence over Orpheus. Apollo is sometimes credited with giving Orpheus his lyre. Which could, in Kaos terms, translate as him handing Orpheus a god given talent/patronage. Orpheus was a devoted worshipper of the sun god. And I actually think this holds true in Kaos. I headcanon this tat… 

... That leads off from Orpheus’s lyre tattoo, an intertwined music note, laurel leaf and a sun. Is Orpheus paying homage to Apollo. It makes sense for a musician to pay tribute to the god of the arts. 

However, Orpheus was also a prophet (sometimes THE prophet) of Dionysos. Credited with spreading his worship. And wouldn't that be so on brand for Kaos Orpheus. If he fell head over tits in love with Dionysus, the first thing he would do would be write several hymns/chart toppers about how amazing his boo is. Would Apollo be romantically interested in/jealous of Dionysos’s relationship with Orpheus. Probably not, no. Would that stop him throwing a tantrum about his little brother touching his things/ taking his top spot on Orpheus’s list of bestest gods, also no. 🤣 Let the tug of war commence! … Hopefully with less destructive consequences than in myth. 

What would Orpheus’s family/friends think of Dionysos and their relationship? 

We really don't know much about who Orpheus has in the world coming out of season one, besides Riddy, Dennis (RIP baby) and his manager Calli. And while he could indeed have a close group of friends and relations, him being alone in the world, outside of this little close circle, goes a long way to explaining why Orpheus loves so obsessively. And how he and Riddy bonded in the first place. 

Oh he has his fans of course, and I'm sure their adoration goes some way to filling an insatiable void. But, celebrity is its own curse, and all that love is loud but distant.) An ironic reflection of the gods own relationship with humanity. And indeed in some ways, his own relationship with Riddy… But that's a topic for another post.) 

As for that tiny group who do know him on an intimate, personal level. You can see him clinging to them almost fanatically. He and Calli certainly have a relationship that seems to surpass ‘business’ and strays into the mother/son relationship of myth. And I reckon he overtly treasures that bond with Calli just as much as he did his love of Riddy. 

So, since all he really has left is Calli, how would she feel about his relationship with Dionysus? Joy and exasperation I shouldn't wonder. 

Joy, because you can clearly see how much Calli cares for Orpheus. The way she cradles him in his grief… That's her boy, blood relation or not. When ‘life is good’ for him, she finds joy in his joy, despair in his suffering. And seeing Orpheus happy again, in love again. And knowing what being in love means for his  contentment. That's going to mean so much more than seeing a ‘client’ content. Plus who can't help but love Dionysus? Hopefully some of that affection will go Dio's way too, as that god needs some. 

Exasperation as well, as we do see examples of Calli trying to shepard Orpheus in the right direction, with smoking etc. And Riddy, down to earth Riddy would have probably been an aid in this. As much as one can ever ground someone like Orpheus, Riddy probably did manage to on some level. Dionysos on the other hand…😅 I can imagine he and Orpheus would goad each other on and on, in every sense, to greater heights and excess. For better or for worse. Thoughts and prayers Calli, you're going to need them! 

This is all based on Dionysos being introduced (atleast at first) under a human facade of course. You get the feeling in the world of Kaos,  while people unequivocally believe in the existence of the gods. They're not too used to them wandering around amongst them. How Calli would feel about Orpheus dating the God of Frenzy, well, that's an entirely different kettle of fish. 

I imagine somewhere out there, Riddy will smile, roll her eyes. Mutter something along the lines of, of course, it could only be the God of Excess with you Orpheus. And be immensely happy for him. If we're allowed nice things…Wrapped in Caeneus’s arms. 

(1492 words… Jesus zigzag I apologise. 🙈 Thank you for attending today's lecture. I said they were my new brain rot, I think I've undeniably proven that to myself today. 😅)

[starlightinitiative]

And so the first Starlight Initiative event comes to its close for the night.

This was incredibly exciting and heartwarming! It was good to see everyone that showed up -- whether it was limited to appearances within our Discord, fleeting moments in-game, or those that even spent all weekend with us out at the event venue!

I genuinely cannot stress that this event would not be possible without all the kind and generous volunteers that are a part of the team. Whether they joined at the conception of the idea, or during the events thus far! So to the volunteers we have that are on our very own tumblr, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you to @blossomblade, @humblemooncat, @pangolinheart, @scholarlostintime, @irisopranta, @valdiis, @janzoo, @wrenanigans, @ivoryribcage, @phoenshire, @strawbebbynya, @strayingkat, and @bnuuywol! And thank you to all the ones that joined through the Discord that don't have a tumblr as well (that I know of!)! Thank you to our Discord members: Arigaaz, Atsuki Scypher, Elquinjena, Aureate Emrys, duz, Kyu Wishmaster, Mimarrah, and ProtostarMirage!

Maybe some of you who are tagged are thinking, "was I worth thanking?"

Yes. The answer is yes.

You believed in the Starlight Initiative to help get it off the ground. Your belief in this project, and much of everyone's excitement poured into it is what motivated me to go forward with it. To the new volunteers that we acquired over the course of the event, I am grateful for you as well! Your belief in this project and wanting to go out of your way to make others smile for the holidays is what makes this project something so amazingly touching to me.

I would have probably given up super easily if no one reached out. I wouldn't have had the drive to continue onward. But your belief in this to reach out is why I genuinely want to recognize and thank you for doing even just THAT. Your belief encouraged me, and we made such an amazing weekend for people who came by.

To everyone else as well, even if you're not a volunteer. It's easy to look at this event on a surface level and feel maybe jaded, incredulous, and skeptical of such an event; "People just giving away free stuff? Because they want to? Okay, what's the catch?"

I'm glad for you. You who believed and trusted in us to fulfill your wishes. You who came and got something. Who showed appreciation for what you got. You who got something for someone else special to you just to make their in-game experience something better.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I also posted this in Discord for everyone that's there, but I feel like it bears repeating for anyone here seeing it for the first time that has come to the event, donated to it, or wanted to help in some way that maybe didn't join our server for whatever reason they may have had.

We have so many people ask: "What can I do in return? / What can I give you in return?" My answer may differ from some of the volunteers, or otherwise! Though I'd like to implore everyone who has this question in mind to simply repay the kindness forward. Make someone else smile this winter holiday -- no matter what holiday you celebrate! Make someone's winter season that much more enjoyable. Winter is rough for a myriad of reasons, and I feel like there's a lot of emphasis on bringing joy and warmth to others during the season, but sometimes it feels like it's never seen to. If you can and if you're welcome to, just bring a little extra warmth to someone who seems like they need it. ♥

Thank you for making this Weekend of Gift Giving something special. Let's do it again next year!

Happy Holidays, and Happy Starlight!

-Admin Prim

[smoshidiot]

sorry in advance if this is rambly or doesn't make sense. it's 3am and i just have a stupid amount of love for smosh in my heart rn and i wanted to make a lil appreciation post 💕

first off i wanna say: happy birthday smosh! i can't believe this silly youtube channel is already 18 years old. it's hard to exactly describe how much smosh means to me. i discovered the channel nearly 10 years ago (my anniversary is on the 25th!) and even at the times in my life when i wasn't actively watching smosh, they always had such a special place in my heart. ian and anthony have always been able to make me laugh in a way that other channels have never really been able to, and it has been such an absolute delight to see them working together again.

ever since june 20th my life has really been centered around smosh and it's been amazing. if you told me a year ago that this is what my life would look like i never would've believed you. i am so unbelievably grateful for all of the joy, laughter, and opportunities smosh has brought me since anthony's return. i wanna say how happy i am that smoshblr exists and was so welcoming as soon as i made my blog. i honestly don't know if i would've stuck with smosh so strongly if i didn't have this great community to chat with and rediscover my love of this channel with.

and then of course, smoshblr and my friends here led me to joining the smoshcord which has been my absolute home these past few months. i have made so many incredible friends on that server and i wouldn't trade it for the world. all of the neighbors mean sm to me and i absolutely cannot wait to meet a bunch of them at vidcon 2024. also! i am still so honored that erica from the team over at smosh chose me (as well as a few other amazing ppl!) as a community mod for smoshcord. it feels so amazing to be able to give back to the smosh community, for how much it has given me over the years. and just to be recognized by smosh as a respected member of the community means the absolute world to me.

along those lines, while i'm being sappy i think i'm allowed to be a lil selfish and say ?? holy shit if you told 12 year old me that i would go on to have regular conversations with anthony padilla i would tell you you're absolutely insane. it has been such an absolute wild ride but it's so fucking cool that ian and anthony (ok mostly anthony but i think ian too bc of streams n stuff!) know who i am. i have an insane amount of love in my heart for these boys and it's so nice to interact with them on a slightly more personal level. it still feels like an absolute dream to even see them sit next to each other, let alone sit next to each other while saying my name.

but anyways i just want to say thank you smosh. thank you for all of the love and laughter and hope you have given me. you've shown me that friendship DOES truly always win. i am so fucking proud of these boys for mending their relationship and coming through such a hard time to create something genuinely beautiful.

anyways i wanna shoutout @smoshmonker @squig-s @yourinterestisnotcringe @lilac-hecox @kubabamia @only-frann for being just so lovely and fun to talk smosh with ♡ i am so grateful i met you all and that smosh brought us together like this! (sorry if there's any other neighborhood friends that i simply forgot the tumblr urls for ilyy)

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

so let's compare our notes

we know subject 5 was kept in the lab and had medical tests done which unintentionally gave him super strength, Junko's level of bloodlust which means that he has no trouble killing people, should be around 20 as of right now and most likely has blue eyes

and we know someone in the main cast who has had medical tests done which unintentionally gave him super strength, doesn't give a shit about taking lives and almost seems to enjoy killing people, is around the age of 20 and has blue eyes

subject 5 is Kuripa I'm calling it now

...

Well Shuichi? What's your verdict? You were the one saying that Kuripa was little more than a psycho that tries to justify blatant murder.

Yeah...well...It is true that Kuripa is crazy, but...

To be honest...I don't think it's him.

Really? Why not?

Well, aside from his appearance not matching the books...given that his hair is a very unusual color compared to most examples...

We're looking for someone who has been infected by a virus that has altered their personality and changed them to make them more like Junko Enoshima.

Yes...Kuripa is ridiculously strong, and if he's always been this way, then it adds up that he could have massacred lots of people even as an 8 year old. He's also got no qualms with taking lives and in fact, often takes a sadistic joy in doing so.

But somehow...I really doubt that Kuripa fits the bill...

And why is that?

...He's too nice.

I'm sorry?

I know how that sounds, especially given all the things I said about him but...

You were saying earlier that I relied on the strength of others to get me to where I am now. Kuripa is one such person.

Early on, he showed me the ropes, helped me with small tasks and...genuinely cared. I'M the one who spat on HIS contributions, and really, he was just trying to discipline me as my senpai. I forgot that...he means a lot to me, despite everything he's done.

Not to mention...all the good he's done for everyone else. Rescuing Makoto, training Kaede, helping Kokichi and his staff members with little to gain in return...Even if he is blunt with his words and has a sadistic side...

Kuripa...is a good guy. I just...didn't appreciate that.

So...you don't think he could be Subject 5...simply because you believe he's not?

Belief is a strong thing...and I always took it into account before...I just...lost myself in this case.

But if you want logistics and evidence, I have those too. Unless all his life documents are somehow forged, which as things stand seem unrealistic, he has accounts and alibis for his childhood from when he was a child to his induction into Hope's Peak and the Future Foundation.

How'd you come across that?

Kuripa rose quickly up the Future Foundation's ranks. He became Makoto's right hand guy in Branch 14 within the space of a week because of his contributions and the fact that he could seemingly do anything that was asked of him. When he did, the Foundation naturally took an interest in him and started documenting his life.

I'll admit...Kuripa's life before the Foundation is not a complete puzzle. There are many things missing. But none that can't be explained through logical thinking and reasoning.

When he was registered to Hope's Peak, he actually skipped his first year, only attending class in the second. This was odd to me, but it turns out this was because he was taking care of his sister, Kotoko, who was transferring and getting used to a new school. Since Kotoko didn't have any parents, Kuripa served as her guardian, and devoted most of his time to her. Makoto confirmed this with me.

I see...So...Subject 5 couldn't be Kuripa?

No...Kuripa is definitely one of our top suspects. Too much matches up for him not to be...

But...I wouldn't be surprised if we turned out to be wrong. That's all.

[ranmanrui]

Wishing Them Happiness

A few months ago, I prayed for my friends' happiness. All I ever wanted is for them to be happy. I want to see them succeed in their chosen paths and be loved the way they deserve.

Then it happened. One found a guy who loves her and treats her the way she deserved. And I can see her happier than before. She deserves someone who listens, someone who's willing to go the distance just to make her the happiest girl in the room. All that matters is for her to find her home. Even if she doesn't expressly tell me this, I can feel that she's happy with whom she is with right now. I enjoy seeing her Instagram stories with that guy. She is deserving of all the joy and affection he is giving her.

The other one was recently promoted. I am aware of his struggles in many areas of life, and I imagine that receiving his promotion has helped to ease some of those struggles. I'm really proud of him. I think he'll advance in his profession because I've seen him work harder than everyone else in the office. It doesn't matter where he is right now because I am aware that he is content. He inspires me every day as I head into work. He is deserving of his current level of accomplishment.

I really am glad for them as I see my prayers answered. I am, truly. But honestly, a piece of me hurts. I didn't anticipate that I wouldn't share in their happiness. Their joy broke me apart from them or at least reduced my involvement in their lives. I've always treated them as a sister and a brother but all I was to them is an office friend. I've always believed that our friendship will sustain us through all of the challenges we face. My sincere desire was that our friendship would be the one constant in my life. But I suppose I was mistaken. I was not a part of their happiness, and that is the only thing I desire for them. It makes me cry, and I do so for most of the evening. I do miss them. And if given the chance, I want to hug them so badly and tell them how much they hurt me but I feel like I'll never have that chance anymore. I just want to know if somehow I made an impact in their lives.

Do I regret asking God to grant them joy? Without a doubt no. I care about them so much that I'm willing to let them go so they can live happily ever after. They are the happiest people I know, and I want them to be. And no matter what happens, I will continue to hope for their happiness. My prayers have now evolved, and now I am hoping that they will keep the things that bring them joy. May he continue on the path he vowed to walk, and may she continue to receive the love she deserves. My love for them as my siblings is genuine enough to make it so painful for me to lose them, but my love for them is so strong that all I ever wanted is for them to be happy.

I hope you're happy right now, my kabsat and wahi, even without me. It makes me sad that I am no longer contributing to your happiness, but know that I will understand if you decide to place me back in the office mate category. I hope you will recall me as someone who truly loved you and only wanted the best for you if you ever hear my name mentioned someplace else. You know where you left me, so I know you know where to find me if the moment ever comes when you realize you need me. I genuinely love you both and that will never change.

[arabela25]

Charlotte Perrelli in heat 3 of Melodifestivalen 2021

[tothedarkdarkseas]

Hey! I've seen cul(t)chie be used to tease. I doubt non-Irish folk know it, so I wouldn't call it pejorative. Or maybe it was and I'm too young to know. I selectively forget and disown my ethnicity if I want to and have a habit of stealing accents or slang, especially when I sing, so I'm not nationalist enough to say. My accent is also very light (Think Rob Sheehan). If I find out my favourite celebrity is half-Irish or I'm reading a Wilde book, I'm very Irish. And if I'm talking to a nationalist or a cute English boy, I'm suddenly global and assimilated. Haha.

You don't really have to worry about looking ignorant. I think most people won't notice and find it endearing that you're interested, not to mention the UK is so full of cultures that almost everyone is clueless about half of it and pretending not to be. Most people I meet use Americanisms because they grew up on American telly. It's just a part of life. I've always enjoyed your writing because you take such joy in concepts that most British people are derisive and bored with. Makes being British seem enjoyable and nostalgic almost. Lmao.

I'm still struggling to untangle my feelings about ethnicity and all of that rubbish (who belongs here and who speaks like this and who grew up in my primary school and whose parents have this skin colour and whose great-great-grandma worked in the mills and who assimilated and whatever), so I'm not an expert on anything. Whole thing gives me a right headache and I strongly consider walking around with a full face mask because I don't want to be arsed identifying with anything or anyone some days.

I can never find believable slang when I'm writing either, so I know how you feel about that. If you're interested in checking out more British things, there was this comedy in the 90s (around the time Gorillaz was set) called Stella Street, which ripped the piss out of British celebrities and actually starred Phil Cornwell, voice of Murdoc. I remember watching it when I was younger. Not sure if this ask sent, so if I'm sending it twice and look like a tit, that's super. Best wishes!

First, I am so sorry it has taken me well over a week to answer you-- I don't like to let things sit for so long, and especially not something so friendly and personal. I didn't want to rush out a response between work tasks, and blah blah blah, all of that's just yammering, but I am sorry for the delay!

Thank you for your personal experience with the word cul(t)chie, that really helps to classify how a word is used. It must sound bizarre but it really can be quite difficult to get a realistic image of how often/when a slang term is used, and in a lot of cases, how offensive a word may be; in any culture there's going to be a massive sliding scale on which the language & dialect sits, and as native speakers we sort of take for granted that innate knowledge of when a word sounds cool or funny, or when it sounds horribly inappropriate but you're taken pity on as an ignorant outsider. For instance, 5 years ago, I don't think any Americans knew the word "chav"; 2 years ago, a percentage of small-time comedians online picked it up; now, we are still in the, uh, developing stages of an even smaller percentage learning there's context to words and it's not necessarily an okay thing to say all the time. Yet even as I say that, if my friends ask me to explain "rude British words" to them, I very much still don't have an innate understanding of how each and every one ranks and who is more likely to say what, if anyone genuinely says it at all. It doesn't help that the slang dictionaries which take on a fairly literal dictionary style will sometimes forgo words like "insult" and "slur" (which you'd assume may indicate some level of severity) and instead categorize everything from berk to nonce as "pejoratives." You well know that there's a big gap between calling someone those things, haha. And on top of that, more than once I've run something by Danni ElapsedSpiral or done some research on dead Livejournal "Britpick" communities and found a word to be much milder than it seemed, or much more offensive than I originally thought. I know I'm rambling on now but I've genuinely become really really engrossed in this subject-- if I were some kinda smart guy getting a degree (author's note: I am not that, I am in fact a dummy) I'd want to do a paper on the subject or something, haha.

Anyway! I understand that split feeling (inasmuch as one can understand though a different lens of experience.) At least for myself, I really root it in my own contrarian tendencies, haha. I have a compulsion to not agree with whoever's talking loudest. Like any younger liberal person, I spend most of my time criticizing America, associating patriotism with nationalism, dreaming of what life would've been like living in some "idyllic British countryside" town, feeling such a sense of shame for how the country's insulation has impacted my growth as a person... with those qualifiers, it's bizarre how one insufferable comment on a Reddit thread makes me start mentally compiling points for my terrible thesis, haha. Listen, it was a mistake having countries. It ruined a pretty cool planet. I wish I could be perceived alongside people I agree with socially and politically rather than people I'm actively voting against and actively vote against me just because we're on the same massive hunk of dirt.

For what it's worth, Robert Sheehan's accent is incredibly charming. I'm sure you were not asking for my input on that at all, but on the chance you were saying that your accent is light or that you borrow accents with any apology, I certainly don't think you should feel like your accent needs to be made lighter or heavier or more or less regional, or that you should or shouldn't sing any particular way. I think it's quite cool to pick up accents and phrases while still bringing your own unique voice to the mix for others to admire and pick up on themselves! Kumbaya and all that, but it's nice to think in the modern internet age we could sort of have this evolving, mishmash global culture without stepping on and disrespecting individually important heritage. I have a complicated relationship with my own accent; I hated it when I was young and really trained myself to speak without it. It comes out when I'm just with my family or partner, but I'd never let myself be recorded speaking with that accent-- I really have to be so distracted that I'm not thinking about my voice at all to have an accent, and I am much too high-strung of a person for that to easily happen, haha. So the one or two recordings that exist of me on here are me doing my "public" voice.

I know it's all rather heavy subject matter and I don't want to give the impression I'm being flippant about something that weighs heavy in your mind-- it's just quite different, "interesting" in a decidedly uncheerful way, to observe the unique struggles regarding assimilation and identity in the UK, coming from my admittedly uninformed perspective. It isn't something we're very privy to. There is a huge problem in the American perception of the UK and Europe as a whole (sometimes including the UK under that umbrella, sometimes distinguishing it) as a quirky fantastical mono-culture. Even among the anti-nationalist, progressive kids online, they grow up resenting the cult of patriotism and bigotry in their backyard, and they idolize what seems more romantic without understanding all of the distinct cultures or the familiar xenophobic depth of division between them. I try to talk about these things and hear about lived perspectives so that I can have both a healthier appreciation and a broader unglamorous knowledge. Just as I appreciate a warts-and-all character study, I don't find it personally difficult for opinions, fondness, failures and truth to co-exist in a bigger, more precise, more realistic picture. My only aim is knowing. I don't like looking at the picture less when I can see more of it.

Thank you for the recommendation! I'd like to say I've watched it all since you've sent this but I haven't actually found it anywhere yet. (When I first looked it up, Google's top result was... Stella, from A Streetcar Named Desire.) I'll keep an eye out though! I'd love to hear Phil acting in something pop culture-y with a similar Gorillaz tone, as the only other work I've heard from him has been the polar opposite of Murdoc, haha. That's fun in its own way, but I'd like to hear him doing what I could maybe imagine as a less absurd Murdoc. (Though by your description, it sounds like the show may not actually be less absurd, haha.) As an aside, I've got a few British pop culture books on my holiday list so I'm looking forward to reading and reporting back anything of special Stu-y/Murdoc-y interest, which I gladly invite you to chime in on!

Thanks for your message and I'm sorry again for the delay! And thank you for your opinions, kind words, and listening ear! I hope this was sensible enough to you and doesn't make me look like a raving lunatic. Best wishes to you!

[punkscowardschampions]

Saint & Leilani

Saint: So, how many people with my surname have found their way into your inbox today? Leilani: few Saint: I hope those few have behaved and not been too taxing on your typing fingers or your patience Leilani: you're making it sound more fun & scandalous than it came close to Saint: That would be an odd but not unentirely precedented way to welcome you for us Saint: I'm just more than aware how...much, shall we be polite and say, some of them can be, even at the best of times Leilani: 😅 Leilani: are you forgetting which one of you I live with? Saint: 😅 Saint: I am in no way doubting your ability to cope with it, or previous experience doing so, just apologizing for the times you don't feel like being so gracious about their...persistence Leilani: thanks, I think? Leilani: the sentence was a mouthful to digest but I detected some sweetness in it Saint: I'm happy to apologize for my taste as well Saint: and will try to be more palatable Leilani: coming thick & fast but still smooth with it, that's impressive Saint: I'll accept that I'm potentially being much of a muchness with some of the more well-meaning but over-the-top members of my family, if that's what you're saying Saint: but admittedly, I'll struggle to hear I'm on par with certain ones who best remain nameless until I get more of a gage for your tolerance of their particular brand of care 😅 Leilani: I'm not saying much, personally, until I work out how much of this welcome wagon is genuinely what you'd like to say vs what you feel like you must Leilani: to make up for the rest or walk on eggshells in case I crack up Saint: Well, I haven't been instructed to talk to you, if that's what you mean Saint: and without a doubt, I have no idea how I would ideally like to broach this subject, because I have literally no firsthand experience Saint: I imagine that must be frustrating, is it? Leilani: it can be coming from you but not coming from you, if you know what I mean Leilani: deep in there, maybe you've got a whole other convo you'd love to be having Saint: I'm receptive to any conversation you'd like to have Saint: well, almost any, I'm sure Leilani: you & everybody else Leilani: the talk about me is non-stop Saint: We wouldn't have to talk about you Saint: I don't have any particular bias towards the subject of you, though it would be bad manners to ask you no questions about yourself, I can refrain if you have, like I said and assumed, had enough for a while Leilani: it's good manners if I'm in no mood to answer questions about me Leilani: but it'd be my bad to tell you to shush & end this convo just like that Saint: As you've saved me from the mortal sin of impoliteness with your rhetoric there, I'll save you from having to do so and can leave it there Leilani: take a turn in the hot seat, see how you feel about it Leilani: prep if I haven't saved you from 👿🔥 Saint: I'm not inclined to believe the creator would be that unforgiving, but that's what Catholicism will do for your morals, I suppose Saint: Fire away, as it were 🔥 Leilani: you're a catholic? Saint: Culturally, definitely Saint: I'm not sure my commitment to the church is such I can claim myself as fully saved, yet Leilani: mine goes as far as loving the 1st Eid for its treats & ignoring the sacrifices of the 2nd, can't call it commitment Saint: I don't think you're alone in that philosophy and approach Saint: but I don't necessarily think that's terrible at all, as long as you're finding some joy and fulfilment from religion- that is certainly a huge tenant of all the ones I've heard of, so it can only be a positive Leilani: how my friends celebrate 🎄🎁🎅 shows me I'm not Leilani: party > church Saint: Precisely, commercialism argument aside Saint: any promotion of togetherness, community and goodwill, what could be the issue? Leilani: the issue is in the confusion Leilani: people thinking it's something its not Saint: There's plenty issue around 🎄🎁🎅 but no more than most anything in our society today Leilani: if you're trying to take issue with something on any level, you'll find a way Saint: Don't you think problems should be solved? Leilani: if it can Leilani: big if Saint: Of course Saint: I think the if only makes the pursuit of more vital, I don't find it to be invalidating Leilani: sure but some questions aren't if or but ones Saint: Such as? Leilani: if I said, you're the fittest member of this family, let's go out, your answer would be no, becos you are a member of this family, it doesn't matter if you add I would if I wasn't Leilani: the answer's still no Saint: No, my answer would be that there's truly only one absolute in this life Saint: that I know of Saint: there are laws, ethics, morality and codes of conduct in all societies, sure Saint: but nothing is certain Leilani: birth & death are certain Leilani: one brought you here, the other me Saint: I was thinking about death Saint: birth is luck, usually, it's a little different Leilani: 🤔 Leilani: accepted Saint: We can differ on perspectives there, it's fine 😃 Saint: in fact, the father would probably want to put forth an argument for the opposite, now I think about it Saint: worse Catholic than I thought Leilani: I was thinking that 🤰 = birth, the certainty part being you don't get to stay in but you know Saint: I see what you mean Saint: anyone that is here is a certainty Saint: think we're going into Schroedinger territory there, I respect it Leilani: 🙀📦 Saint: 👍 Saint: who am I to say that whatever people are before and after they're people here can't debate philosophy Leilani: these are bigger questions than I expected Saint: And I wasn't meant to even ask how you were Saint: 🤐 Saint: go on Leilani: I've got a headache now 😅 Saint: Oh dear Saint: That's the first time that's happened, I would assure you but that sounds like a losing battle and another knock for my ego Leilani: your ego wants to take it as brush off, retro as hell Leilani: but I don't get questions that deep posed around me is all Saint: Retro...God, just don't take my 'deep' questions as a sign of pretension or I'm getting more tragic by the second! Leilani: it's okay I'm not a downtrodden wifey from back in the day, we're in an era where I can just tell you no Saint: and we're all the better for it Saint: though I don't think I've asked you any question where you'd be directly answerable to me 🤔 Saint: giving me a little too much credit for the universe and it's many questions there Leilani: I don't want your ego to end this convo black & blue Saint: That's very kind of you Saint: but my ability to take criticism could be compared to your ability to cope with Grace, just so we're clear Leilani: Grace isn't hard to cope with Leilani: I like her Saint: I'm glad to hear that, it would be really hard if you didn't Saint: harder, than it is, of course Saint: don't think I'm bashing her really, as I said, they all mean well, I can just imagine that relentless good intentions and meaningful conversations to be had would get very exhausting very fast Leilani: everything's happened fast Leilani: they're all playing catch up to the unexpected Saint: But you're the important one here Saint: most, although I was adding that to try and take the pressure off but clearly that's easier said than done Leilani: this is where I add something about pressure creating 💎 Saint: I don't loathe the sentiment but does it make you feel any better? Leilani: no Saint: then I wouldn't worry Saint: and I doubt there's anything hugely meaningful I can do to make you feel better in an impactful, big way Saint: but if you think of anything on a smaller scale that you would like Saint: don't hesistate to ask Leilani: will you introduce me to everyone in a retro way? Leilani: 🗨  & 🤝 Saint: That I can do Saint: The upsides to this family being as large as it is is that you're never short of functions to hijack for whatever purpose you may need Saint: and you won't have to worry about being centre of attention unless it's your birth, wedding or death Saint: even then, people have their own agendas Leilani: no pressure or as close as Leilani: when's the next? Saint: Exactly Saint: [literally whatever and whenever we want, offer a selection to show your point lol] Leilani: [picks the one where she can serve the best lewk because gotta make an impression regardless especially when you're nervous] Leilani: it's a date Saint: That it is Saint: if you'd rather show up with another kid, I'm happy to come pick you up from Grace's Saint: up to you, of course Leilani: pick me up 🚗 Leilani: I have no idea how Grace is allowed on the road Saint: 😅 Saint: I suppose they reckon the amount of potholes, we're all playing a dangerous game at the mercy of the council Leilani: 🙏 by god's grace like Saint: Seems that's all that's left in the budget 🙄 Leilani: 😅😅 Saint: I think you're in my sister's year Saint: Venus, that is Leilani: what should I think about it? Saint: You know you hypothesized that I was the fittest member of this family? Leilani: it's too late to drop the bomb that I should've asked her to pick me up Saint: She'll need a lift as much as you Saint: but meaning, she'd have taken DEEP offence to that assertion Saint: the headache would be realer Leilani: oops Leilani: & yikes Saint: again, not here on a smear campaign Saint: but I'd be doing you a disservice if I pretended she's universally easy to get on with Saint: perhaps you'll take to each other though Leilani: I'm not easy to get on with atm Leilani: but I do get a free pass Saint: You're doing fine Saint: unless this is your attempt at belligerence, in which case, sorry 😬 Leilani: attempting nothing but no pressure face to face intros Leilani: how could you forget already? Saint: 🤦 forgive me? Leilani: 💅 Leilani: hold on, I'll ask myself what my god would do Leilani: ... Leilani: yeah sure Saint: 😅 Saint: I was hoping distraction only fell under bad manners, not sin Leilani: it depends how you're distracting me Saint: What I offered would depend on how 😇/😈 you preferred your distractions Leilani: if I don't have both on offer how can I possibly choose? Saint: That's completely fair, actually Leilani: I know Leilani: so don't be unfair Saint: Wouldn't dream of it Leilani: is there anyone else you'd like to warn me about, while you're being fair? Leilani: or anyone I should run into the arms of like 🤗🤗? Saint: Warn would be extreme Saint: I don't think anyone is that bad Saint: I would have to know you better personally to say who I think you'd really click with, but there's plenty of us, I'm sure you will with someone Leilani: indulge me in the drama of it, St Leilani: 🤦😅 Saint: Oh, right Saint: you want the gossip of it all so you also have prior information on them coming into the conversations Saint: let me think then Leilani: I miss when my friends wanted to talk about that stuff Leilani: instead of me & my feelings Saint: That makes sense Saint: maybe you and Vee will get on then Saint: there's just a lot of drama to get into Saint: your head and inbox would be rocked Leilani: I've got time Leilani: & my head's already a mess Saint: Okay then Saint: bear with me if my typing speed gets retro Leilani: 😄 Saint: [just methodically go through all that is messed up with the fam nbd] Leilani: holy hell Leilani: I know I asked for that but did I though? Leilani: where have I come to live Leilani: 👋🚕 Saint: Yes Saint: sorry Leilani: hold on I need to just ✈️ Leilani: I thought my mum's relationship history was crazy Saint: It is what it is Saint: we all still manage fine Leilani: by the grace of god again, or whatever other means necessary Saint: Maybe Saint: I don't think it's all that dire now Leilani: maybe when I've come though all the stages of grief I'll be able to let you know what I think Saint: Look forward to it Leilani: I did make it sound really hot Saint: 😏 Saint: we're not all messed up, thank you Leilani: I'm used to being that half of the convo Leilani: you do you Saint: How are you messed up then? Leilani: other than having no parents now? Saint: Yeah Leilani: I'm not doing this right Leilani: any of it Saint: What aren't you doing right? Leilani: I miss her but like she's gone on holiday or a work course Leilani: not like she's never coming back Saint: Well, what's the first stage of grieving Saint: you feel like you aren't missing her hard enough, but if you were out of denial already, you'd actually be taking it way too fast Saint: be rude, right? Saint: Think of it like that Leilani: my rudeness is worse, wanting to hang out with my friends how I did before Leilani: care about 👗👠💄 Saint: Your entire world has been turned upside down Saint: of course you're craving normality Saint: I'm not just saying all this to appease you Saint: you're a kid that just lost her mum Saint: I literally do not believe there's any way you could get through this that would be wrong, or would reflect poorly on you Leilani: she needs to walk back in & badmouth all her worst clients Leilani: she can't be lost Saint: I'm so sorry Saint: that it's so unfair Leilani: unfair was when my dad stopped sending money & letters after going back home for what he said would be a few months Leilani: this is Leilani: I don't even know Saint: How old were you? Leilani: does it make a difference? Saint: Did it? Leilani: I'd just started school, so financially, yeah Saint: Do you know what he's doing now, like, where he is? Leilani: no Leilani: my mum said he had another family there Leilani: someone he was actually married to Saint: Right Saint: that was a cowardly thing for him to do Saint: the minimum would've been financial support Leilani: sadly I can't get it backdated Leilani: imagine Leilani: 👗👠💄 Saint: I'd have to look into it Saint: but probably not Saint: very hard to enforce at any rate Leilani: & taking food out of his other children's mouths, assuming he has some others Saint: Yeah Saint: but you can't be held responsible for his life choices Leilani: neither can they then Saint: I meant it'd be his problem to worry about and solve Saint: but I can understand not wanting to literally steal candy from a baby, as it were Leilani: I haven't been his problem for years, I'm Grace's now Leilani: this family's with all their existing crazy Saint: Okay, getting in contact with your dad for reparations isn't the first step Leilani: it's a mis-step Leilani: he fell off the earth, I'm not following him Saint: Okay Saint: so, what would you be doing with your friends today, if things were normal? Leilani: 🛍 Saint: So, I'll give you both options Saint: I can drive you to your friends, or whatever 🛍 you go to with them Saint: or you can come 🛍 with me Leilani: you can take me Leilani: they don't know how to act now that I'm 💣💥 Saint: they probably think they're giving you time Saint: but really, they're asking for it Saint: at least, that's how I see it Saint: maybe next weekend, or the next Saint: but we can go for now Leilani: it's okay, I wouldn't deal any better if the roles were reversed Leilani: it's not their bad that there's nothing to say or do Saint: You're very fair Saint: not to detract from how much of a 💣💥 you feel Leilani: you're flattering me like I'm not a 💣💥 Leilani: I don't know what that says about you Saint: It's honesty, not flattery Saint: The situation is a 💣💥 Saint: I've seen people handle significantly worse, that's all Leilani: it feels nice, honesty doesn't usually Saint: that's a resounding endorsement Saint: probably a bit too smug to put on a poster or LinkedIn but still, I appreciate it Leilani: you know what I mean, honesty is usually like that 💅 isn't the one or you need braces, child Saint: I think people purposefully conflate being honest with being rude Saint: but you can weaponize anything if you're that sort of person Leilani: yeah ☕ Saint: There's plenty of that sort at church Leilani: & the salon Saint: I've spent less time there myself but I imagine they're much of a muchness Saint: 👵 they all love me, obviously but father is a perfect case study for diplomacy Leilani: it's a type of church for some people Leilani: they take it as serious as a religion Saint: Hair and beauty has always been important Leilani: they just like being able to see results, there's no guarantee when you pray Saint: I'd argue there's no guarantee you get the result you wanted Saint: perhaps even less than 🙏 Saint: maybe you get what you need, not what you want Leilani: 😅😅 Leilani: maybe not for 👵 if they're trying to look 👩 Saint: it highlights the limitations of communication Saint: you think you've asked concisely for one thing, and you end up with something that's nothing like that at all Leilani: I swear I did see my mum work some genuine miracles, that said Saint: It is without a doubt impressive what can be achieved Leilani: what do you want to be? Saint: I want to work for the government Leilani: we haven't been talking that long but that has come through Saint: Is there any particular way you'd like me to take that honesty? Leilani: as a compliment? Leilani: I think Saint: 😅 I think I can manage that then Leilani: I'll tell you what I used to want to be when I was a child, that's weirder Saint: Not admitting it's weird, but go on Saint: I'm intrigued Leilani: clues: Leilani: 🦷💉🥛😁 Leilani: 🚫🍬🍭🍫 Saint: Okay, question, just the one Saint: did you want to be rich or did you just really care about oral hygiene? Leilani: I wanted to make people pretty like my mum, I suppose was the thought process Leilani: & 😁 = happy Saint: So it's even more adorable than I first thought Saint: you don't want to be a dentist anymore? Leilani: the reality is way more gory than I knew then Saint: That's enough to give me a headache Leilani: I need a job with no blood or pus Leilani: even typing that made me feel weird Saint: 😖 Saint: Subject change Saint: are you going to buy anything today? Leilani: do I need to dress to impress your family or just myself? Saint: do you want me to invite my family out shopping with us? Leilani: you do have a lot of sisters Leilani: but you know I meant do I need a new outfit for this meet & greet you're taking me to of the entire extended clan Saint: Oh, gotcha Saint: dress for yourself, of course Saint: unless dressing to impress makes you feel more at ease, in which case, go for that and you won't be alone Leilani: it can't hurt Saint: No, there we go then 😊 Saint: though you can still do the aimless browsing I know 🛍 trips are really about, of course Leilani: are you looking to dress up too? Saint: I like to look presentable Leilani: oh good becos if it was just me, Grace & your sister that'd be a statement Saint: 😅 Saint: don't worry, it won't be Leilani: I'll do my happy dentist 😁 then Leilani: as I'm thrilled Saint: I'm just as 😁 to hear that Leilani: I'll try not to turn it into a frown with excessive browsing Leilani: no promises Saint: I've got a lot of sisters, as you said Saint: I'm sure I'll cope Leilani: which one's your favourite? Saint: which sister? 😂 Saint: I'm not sure there's a diplomatic way to answer that Leilani: answer it honestly, I can promise not to slide in to share the news Saint: Well, Jay is older and we didn't meet her until she was a kid so that combined with her personality makes her the most chilled out now Saint: Vee is younger but still close enough that we were kids together, so that makes her prime annoying younger sister category Saint: then the twins are that much younger that they get to be removed from that, and I have more of that protective older brother in me Leilani: Okay so Jay's your fave Leilani: what's your brother like? Saint: No, I didn't say that Saint: but she wasn't here in the beginning and she's grown up and gone now, it's easy to have less negatives to say about her Leilani: how old were you when you met? Saint: I was about 3 when we found out about her Saint: but the process took a while because she had a dad that raised her and still wanted to even though she wasn't his like he thought Saint: I think I was about 8 when she moved in and spent most of her time with us Leilani: that must have been such a weird time Saint: it was Saint: Vee was born around the time we found out about her so Saint: that was a trial too Leilani: your parents have had a LOT going on Saint: Yes, it seems to be their forte Leilani: your brother then Saint: he's younger too, so again, protective Saint: probably because we're outnumbered too Leilani: an if question Leilani: if you had to give me one of them, as an only child, which one would you give me? Saint: 😂 an odd request but okay, let me 🤔 Saint: Probably Sekh Saint: from the short conversation we've had, you have things in common, that would work well 🛍👠💄👗 Leilani: you're gonna separate the twins? very disney channel Saint: It was either lump them in together there and offend them, or separate and acknowledge that they're separate people Saint: they'll understand 😅 Leilani: 😅 Leilani: safer if I ask Grace for a pet instead Saint: Sure that she'd be down for that Saint: 🐰🐹🐱🐶🐠? Leilani: 🤔 Saint: That is a big decision Saint: best to take your time, decide how much effort you wanna put in to day to day care Leilani: 🐱 or 🏠🐰 Saint: Cute Saint: got any names or do you need to see it before assigning one Leilani: it feels fairer to meet them 1st Saint: 👍 Saint: we can go to the nearest pet shop/shelter if you'd like Leilani: adopt don't shop, St Leilani: or else 👿🔥 Saint: Indeed 😏 Saint: but you know most shops rescue their animals now anyway Saint: except fish...but I don't know how we're morally meant to feel about breeding fish? Leilani: we won't buy any, be on the safe & 😇 side Saint: It's your day Saint: I wouldn't try to bring you down to 👿🔥 levels Leilani: thanks, I have only just moved in Saint: Definitely not my intention with this conversation, or any going forward Leilani: that comes through too Saint: Is that a compliment? Leilani: I don't know if you're 😁 or not to be a good & polite boy Saint: Why would I want to be anything less 😇? Leilani: becos of your name maybe Saint: Subverting expectations Saint: I'd argue people expect the opposite from me though, regardless of my first name Leilani: in your case pressure makes 😇 Saint: 🤞 I hope so Leilani: I'll subvert expectations for us both Saint: Is that your new plan? Leilani: I don't really have one Leilani: other than the 🛍 Saint: Well, you have time Leilani: yeah, it's the keyword that's getting thrown around most atm Saint: It's not provably true but it's most likely the case Leilani: & it'll fill an awkward silence Saint: I can clearly talk enough for the both of us Saint: it doesn't need to be awkward Leilani: this isn't, but remember how we ref-ed that you weren't the only McKenna in my 💬📱 Saint: Right Saint: is there anything you'd like me to do, beyond the formal introductions Saint: politely suggest some people give it some time, perhaps? Leilani: use the time thing against them, I like it 😅 Saint: Only fair 🙂 Saint: consider it done Leilani: we're back into retro hubby & wifey territory Saint: You think? Leilani: it's very defence squad but I'm not 😤 Saint: I'm not helping you because you're a girl and I'm a boy Saint: just because I have the ability to Leilani: I know, you're coming across capable Saint: I'd like to think so Saint: but bragging about it would not be 😇 nor helpful Leilani: I've got your back in hyping you up a 😇 amount Saint: That's sweet Saint: I promise my ego is not that fragile that I need you to but it's still nice Leilani: I'd like to think I am Leilani: that it's not all doom & gloom in me, but maybe time will have to tell, annoyingly Saint: It shows Saint: honestly Saint: you aren't what's happened to you, even if that is all you can think about right now, or feel it's all you're meant to, or are allowed to, whatever Leilani: whether or not I'm her death, I was her life Leilani: there's credit for how she raised me, I mean Saint: Definitely Saint: I don't know you yet, but I would like to get to know you, from what I've seen Saint: I won't throw out proud for her but, you know Saint: I would be in her position Leilani: I don't know what to say Leilani: that feels above nice to hear Saint: I'm almost certain she would want you to know that, at the very least Leilani: yeah, she would Leilani: she wasn't too humble for a brag Saint: 😅 Saint: you should continue that tradition then Leilani: you'll regret saying that when I make you take 10000000000000s of pictures of me posing in different 👗 Saint: 😏 I'll have to buy myself something expensive to cope, I'm sure Leilani: ⌚️ so you can keep an eye on the time Saint: I have an uncharacteristically free day today Saint: my time is yours Leilani: what are we waiting for? come get me Saint: That's what I was waiting for Saint: I'll be with you shortly Leilani: consent given Saint: 👍

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Heartbreaker ~ Bellamy Blake (part 4)

A/n: This got a lot more attention than I thought it would. If anyone wants to have me start a tag list for this story just let me know :)

Word Count: 4528

MASTERLIST

Wells' death was hard on me. I was there for Clarke though mostly, which meant far less time with Bellamy. We hadn't talked about the kids or what was going on between us or where we stood yet and it was taking a toll. But Clarke was my friend and the pain she was feeling over losing Wells was more important than my romantic drama with Bellamy.

When Finn asked me to give them some space, I snuck away while he confronted her to give her some gift he was so excited about. I was sure things were fine and I had no worries.

Until I saw her bare wrist. I caught her arm as she passed me. "Clarke," I whispered, eyes wide.

She pulled her arm away. "Not now." I let it go, stepping away and getting back to work.

Just to have Murphy piss me off. When he whipped his wang out to pee on one of the others, I shoved him. Hard. He missed the kid completely. "What the FUCK is your deal?" I screamed. He faced me, our chests touching. He was taller than me but I was angry. "Get over yourself Murphy you're nothing special. Learn to back off. Bellamy said to give the kid some water."

He sneered, "You're not one to go around preaching about what Bellamy says. Aren't you team Clarke?"

"We're all on Earth you dimwit! There are no teams!"

Hands were pushing us apart and I looked over to see Bellamy himself. "Both if you calm down," he snapped. "Y/n, come with me. It seems you two need some space from each other." A look crossed Murphy's face and I could hear the words he wasn't saying in my head so clearly that I got even angrier. Teasing us about having sex or making out. Poking fun at Bellamy because he could have easily pulled Murphy away but he didn't. He pulled me. I pushed his unheard taunting words out of my head and followed after Bellamy. "What's your deal with him?" he asked. "You're usually pretty level headed these days."

I actually smiled, but it didn't last long. "He just gets under my skin. He's ruthless and seems to genuinely like hurting people. I don't feel safe with him around. And when I don't feel safe... I lash out, I guess." Bellamy nodded but before anything else could happen, Octavia and Jasper were rubbing up to us, babbling about something they had seen in the woods, and Murphy was forgotten.

Wells' missing fingers had been found and after a quick conclusion that his murderer had been on of the 100, my brain was packed with red tinted images of Murphy covered in Wells' blood. If I didn't feel safe around him before, I felt actively in danger now. I was relieved when Clarke went after him.

"You son of a bitch!" she screamed, shoving him hard. I watched from the tent entrance, fighting a smile. I shouldn't get joy from her pain or from Murphy's death, but... after seeing him walk around here like he owned the place, stepping on people like no one but him and Bellamy meant anything at all... I got some satisfaction from it.

"What's your problem?" he asked, laughing. The bastard.

"Recognize this?" Clarke asked, drawing Murphy's eyes as she held up to the blade.

Murphy shrugged. "It's my knife, where did you find it?" He went to reach for it but Clarke pulled it out of his reach and his hand fell to his side.

"Where you droppe dit after you killed Wells," she accused roughly.

People began gathering and Murphy seemed to stop short, his mood completely changing. "Where I WHAT?" he spat. There was a silence. And something... something was off. "The Grounders killed Wells, not me."

Clarke stepped closer to her and that anxiety and fear rose up in me again, but for her, not me. "I know what you did, and you're going to pay for it."

"Really?" Murphy eased, disbelieving. "Bellamy you really believe this crap?" He looked at his leader but Bellamy didn't say anything. I stepped forward, moving so I was next to Bell, even if we were fairly delegated by space. He was diagonal from Clarke, to her right, and I was the same but to her left. We stood a ways back, watching and unsure.

"You threatens to kill him, we all heard you," Clarke reminded, her voic elevating. "You hated Wells."

Murphy crosses his arms over his chest. "Plenty of people hated wells. His father was the chancellor!" His voice rose for that last part, as if announcing it or using it as proof. If he wasn't guilty, why did he look and act and sound so defensive? If he did, why did it feel like there was something VERY odd about this whole thing?

Clarke's voice knocked me out of my thoughts. "Not many people got in a knife with him!" she yelled.

"Yeah I didn't kill him then either," Murphy ground out.

Octavia took a small stepped forward, from standing next to her brother to standing in front of him. "Tried to kill Jasper too."

A tension rang out for a few solid seconds and I looked at Murphy calculatingly. He had fear. Real fear. But not guilt. Not the darkness or the torment of a murderer. But if he was unbothered by killing Wells, did that make him innocent or psycothic? "Come on this is ridicuslous. I don't have to answer to you- I don't have to answer to anyone!"

"Come again?" Bellamy piped up.

Another long pause. Shuffling. Tension. Awkwardness. Hesitation. Then Murphy broke it, walking past Clarke to his leader. "Bellamy," he said rather evenly. "Look, I'm telling you, man. I didn't do this."

Bellamy's eyes narrowed. "They found his fingers on the ground with your knife."

"Is this the kind of society we want?" Clarke yelled, grabbing everyone's attention again. She looked around and then looked at Bellamy, her eyes intense and her gaze accusing. "You say you want no rules- does that mean we can kill each other without- without punishment?"

Murphy stepped towards her and there was an honesty about the way he did it. No bravado, like when he played strong and brave for everyone else. "Look I already told you, I didn't kill anyone!" he seethed.

"What if he's telling the truth?" I didn't realize I'd said it out loud until that tense silence was back again and everyone was looking at me. Each and every person had an equally surprised look on their face- even Murphy. I found the need to defend myself. "I mean, just because it's his weapon doesn't mean he was automatically the one that wielded it. Just like Wells used Bellamy's gun to shoot that lion-tiger-whatever thing in the woods when you went to get Jasper. We've all heard the story." I stood taller. "Sure he's a dick and a hot head, but we know that he's all talk. No matter what he says I don't think he would really kill a person unless he absolutely had to. He can't even stand up to Bellamy without shaking in his boots." He glared at me but the look was softer than usual. "What happened to innocent until proven guilty?"

Clarke turned to face me, anger rolling off of her in waves. Did K just out our friendship on the line for a douchebag I absolutely hated? For MURPHY? "And what if he's lying? There's plenty of evidence- I don't want to give him more time to do more damage!"

Then someone said the two words I thought I was free from and with that one phrase a type of fear I didn't know I could feel coursed through me, freezing my blood and turning my bones to steal. "Float him."

Clark whipped around to face the speaker. "That's now what I'm saying."

"Why not?" the boy asked. "He deserves to float. It's justice."

"Revenge is not justice!" Clarke snapped back.

"It's justice! Float him! Float him!" And he started cheering. The crowd around us roared and echoed his chant. It was so loud I was knocked out of my state of shocked fear and I ran to Murphy's side just as he jerked forward. For that reason only I was able to fight some people away... before a hand came across the side of my head and I was knocked flat on my back. The crowd wa smiling and I was groaning to get to my feet. I was moving, fighting, running. And then everything changed.

"Bellamy. You should do it."

Clarke was screaming, begging him not to. He didn't hear her though. He made eye contact with me and I gave him a very dark look. I mentally screamed at him not to do it. "You left Atom, I know you're not a killer!" That phrase seemed to tip him off.

He kicked the stool out from under Murphy and I was suddenly losing my center of gravity. If I was struggling with me feelings for Bellamy before, it wasn't a struggle anymore. "This is on you, Princess!" He screamed at Clarke. "You should have kept your mouth shut.

Finn ran into the scene and went to save Bellamy but he was cutoff bu the bitch boy that had started this whole thing. Bellamy was stopping Clarke and I wa the only one left. I grabbed a knife from my waist and and pushed through the crowd. The blade slid across someone's skin and caused even more panic as Charlotte screamed, "STOP IT! STOP! It wasn't Murphy didn't kill Wells!" We all grew quiet but I wasn't looking at her, I was moving to Murphy. "I did."

My blade hit the rope and Murphy fell. I was at his side immediately. "Murphy?" His fingers wrapped around my wrist gently, air desperately screaming into his lungs. My eyes skipped right over Bellamy's and I felt the pain in his chest at my complete rejection without even having to see his face for long at all. My eyes landed on Charlotte. She looked terrified and for the million time since I'd been on Earth, I was faced with another dilemma that should have been easy... but wasn't.

-

"BRING OUT THE GIRL BELLAMY!" I was the only thing that stood between a raging Murphy and Bellamy, Finn, Clarke, and Charlotte, who were inside the tent. I had my arms crossed over my chest. I wouldn't let him kill her. That's all I was thinking right now. "I thought you were done with him!" he spat at me. "I almost got killed because of her!"

"And killing her is just as bad as them trying i kill you," I replied with complete monotone.

Inside the tent, Bellamy sighed. "Why Charlotte?" He asked the young girl.

"I was just trying to slay my demons," she whimpered. "Like you told me!"

"What the hell js she talking about?" Clarke snapped.

Bellamy wa struggling. "She misunderstood me," he mumbled nervously. "Charlotte that is not what I meant."

"BRING THE GIRL OUT NOW!" Murphy screamed again. He took a step closer and I brandished my blade. He stepped back again.

"Please don't let them hurt me!" Charlotte begged, near hysterics. I couldn't just stand here for much longer. I was so tired of this...

"If you guys have any bright ideas, speak up," Bellamy grumbled. Defeat was so clear in his voice that I felt my insides begin to twist. She couldn't die. She couldn't die. She couldn't die. But there was quiet in the tent and my stomach twisted tighter. "Now you guys stay quiet?" Bellamy snapped.

"Those are your boys out there," Finn shot back.

"This is not my fault," Bellamy stayed clearly. "If she'd listened to me, those idiots would still be building the wall!"

Murphy was getting restless. "You want to build a society, Princess?" he screamed. "Let's build a society! Bring her out!

"No!" Charlotte screamed. "Please Bellamy." Her voice was soft and wet with emotion and I grunted, my teeth clicked together to right my jaw was burning.

There were whispers I couldn't hear and then Bellamy was exiting the tent. I stayed back. I didnt want to be anywhere near him right now. "Look who finally decided to join us," Murphy spat as he approached rather quickly.

"Dial it down and back off," Bellamy ordered clearly.

Murphy stepped closer again. "Or what?" He was covered in blood and my face contorted with pain. I wanted it to go away. I wanted what just happened to be rewound and hidden, buried deep and out of sight forever. "What are you gonna do about me? Hang me?" I flinched.

"I was just giving the people hat they wanted," Bellamy told him without a single care in the world. Without a lick of guilt. I didn't realize I was glaring at him until Infelt eyes on me and looked over to see Murphy looking. Then I was knocked out of my thoughts and felt the shape of my face and forced it calm. But Murphy had already seen it- the damage was done. "Yeah," he said in the same tone. "That's a good idea." He turned around to face the crowd behind him. "Why don't we do that right now?" I felt my heart drop into my toes. "So who wants to see the real murderer hung up? All in favor?" He rose his hands. His little buddies rose their hands. Maybe five people... out of the total ninety-something of us there were. Ouch. "I see." The words were filled with so much anger they seemed to ooze out of him like toothpaste being squeezed from a tube. "So it's okay to string me up for NOTHING, but when this little batch confesses, you all let her walk?!"

Silence. Dead silence. He turned to me again but this time I wasn't afraid. "They're dicks," I agreed. All eyes turned to me. "They're irrational and stupid." I looked directly at Bellamy. "This is why we have rules." My eyes moved back to Murphy. "RULES. A WAY we do things. Justice, NOT revenge. A non-bias judge. Shit like that. People just wanted to kill you because as much of a dick as they are, you're MORE of a dick. Dragging her out here is not going to reverse what's been going on this whole time. It's going to make it worse!"

His face twisted with rage. There was no talking sense into him. "COWARD!" he screamed. He stormed at me but Bellamy intervened, probably saving my ass.

"Murphy!" he hollered, face aged with dark seriousness and demanding leadership. "It's over."

"Whatever you say Boss," the bloody boy replied far too evenly. Bellamy turned away from him, catching my arm as he passed. Whatever his intentions had been, they were ruined when that second of distraction allowed Nurohy to grab one of the log chunks and whack it over Bellamy's head, knocking him unconscious. Octavia ser off screeching but all Murphy did was turn to his boys. "Let's go in and get her." I held my ground as they approached, but one of the guys stepped forward, catching me off guard as they didn't go to grab a weapon but wrapped their fingers around my throat without hesitation, squeezing my air pipe until I was unable to call oxygen into my lungs. There was shuffling and screaming but all I could see were the dark eyes of my would be killer and hear the rushing of blood in my ears as my vision started to spot and my body began to seize up.

"I SAID LET HER GO!" Air suddenly flowed back into my body. "She was there, at the beginning. Don't kill her." I hit the ground hard, gasping desperately to get my body regulated again. A hand rested on my back. "You okay?" I looked up to see Murphy. My eyebrows knitted in confusion. "You have my back, I have yours. Even if you are a pain in the ass." Then he stood and was gone.

-

"You can't go with me." I rolled my eyes. "I'm serious, Y/n! I'll move faster alone and if I get in trouble I don't want to have to face down Murphy with you there- even if he does suddenly have some soft spot for you."

"She's my friend too!" I argued, my voice hoarse and cracking. The sound made him flinch.

He moved closer and I stepped away. Pain briefly showed on his face before he hid it. "Please stay here?" I crossed my arms over my chest. "Get the rest of these guys into line. I need you to be their leader just for a second. You always know what to say, what to do. Do it. Help them. I'll be back with Charlotte and we can figure something out. Okay?" When I didn't say anything he sighed. "We can fugue EVERYTHING out later."

Everything. The way he said it and the look in his eyes when the word came from his mouth. I thought of the kids neither of us had talked about. All that time hating me and now he was just as mixedbuo and lost as I was. I'd been stupid to think things would just go back to how they were before just because I confessed to him. But now it wasn't just about the rift between us because he thought I turned his sister in. Now t was about him giving in to everyone and kicking that stool away, despite me and Clarke and the justice that was demanding be served. There was a whole world between us and ut was all a mess... the promise of a solution. Of returning back to what we once were, or even just defining what we could or had to be in the lives we lived here, as the people we are now.

I stepped back. "Fine."

I would never see Charlotte again.

-

"Y/n?" It was the sixth time my name had been called in the last two minutes. They'd been trying to get through me to me for about an hour. Octavia was taking care of Jasper and Clarke was with Bellamy, explaining the situation - which is what set me off and sent me into this mode in the first place- and then ran off with Finn to get updates with the communication bracelets. After everyone had parted ways, I'd found a small corner to hide. Bellamy had found me. He was having absolutely no luck getting through to me.

"So much..." I whispered. I wasn't totally sure I was speaking out loud but I didn't care. "Pain. I think I almost find the good in people. I almost fix it. Almost get there. Almost solve the puzzle. Almost calm down. Almost find my place. Almost find my place. And then soemthing happens. They die or almost die or kill someone." I scoffed. "Wells. Charlotte. I could have even seen Murphy, maybe. If he calmed down or I could get through to him. That would have been an interesting friendship if it worked out." I shook my head. "I need my own friends. I keep making the same friends as you and Clarke and Octavia and I just want my own friends that won't die. So that I don't feel like we HAVE to work out because then I'll lose them or have to see you with another girl because I'll have to be around you all the time. I- It's so much... I've been alone for a long time and si thoughts this place would be different. And- and it is. Different. It's so much worse."

Bellamy sighed after it got quiet, signaling that I was done. "Y/n..." He say next to me. "I've always believe that love and fear and such emotions that made you irrational or complacent were dangerous because they'd get you killed. But you... you wear your wildest, ugliest emotions on your sleeve. Even when you're stone cold you still radiate your emotions, like they're coming off of you in the air or something. You have a way of finding the hope in any situation. You're strong and you're... your place is here. Working, supporting. You don't fight for power- you're fine speaking up for the little guys and supporting the big guys- as long as you find it right for you. If you disagree, you have no problem fighting for what you believe in. I know we've been through a lot in the last few days but I just need you to be okay. I- I can't lose you too."

I looked at him. "You would have let him die."

His face exploded with guilt. "He wasn't a good guy."

"He trusted you. Supported you. Obeyed you. He's as much a dick as that kid who strung him up. As much of a bad person as those that beat him up and cheered as the air left his lungs. As twisted as the piece of shit who tried to kill ME. He's messed up Bellamy, just like all of us. What about you? What did you do to get on the dropship, hm?" He looked away. "That's what I thought. None of us are really good people. Clarke could be close but she's too reckless, forgetting that other people don't think as she does. Aren't as strong or as centered or as driven or as... anchored to life as she is. We're the best we can be and that's all we can really offer. So what made him different? He was a shitty boss? He acted out more than the rest of us? He wasn't afraid to do and say the things that everyone was thinking about? Hell if he's condememned for being a bad leader then you deserve to die too." He flinched. I looked away.

"Y/n...."

"Charlotte's dead too now." And she killed Wells because- like what the fuck is wrong with us? God..."

Bellamy slowly, softly guided me closer, pulling me to him without forcing me so that if I wanted to pull away, I could. But I didn't. And when the side of my head touched his chest, I lost it. He held me and I cried and tried to breathe and make sense of the chaos of my thoughts and emotions right now. But it didn't make sense. Not at all.

My wrist burned and I hissed, jerking away from Bellamy to look down. The bracelet on my wrist had opened, falling to the ground. My eyes widened. Bellamy and I looked at each other. What had just happened? I stood, ready to hunt down Monty or Clark and make sense of why my wristband had turned off. Bellamy caught my wrist. "Wait." It was the one the wristband had been on and to feel him touch the skin there was weird. It was tender and too soft and tingly. I paused, looking back at him. He had a sort of desperation on his face and my body relaxed a bit, melting under it. I could see the questions flashing through his mind but didn't know what they were, and he seemed too overwhelmed or clueless or confused or something because he wasn't vocalizing any of them.

"I know you've been sleeping around," I mumbled. His eyes widened even further. "I'm not mad." I scoffed. "It actually gave me a moment to show how great I am at comebacks. And we're not... together. So. It's whatever. Just thought you should know, I know."

He stood. His hands went to either side of my face and he pulled me to him, smashing our lips together. Tension snapped and emotions ran free and I clung to him, pulling him as absolutely close as I could. For the second time, we kissed.

He pushed me and I tripped over something. He was only nudging me really, trying to guide me, but I'd fallen anyway. Thankfully he'd been there to catch me. "My tent?" he whispered.

I rolled my eyes, mind racing with everything going on but my heart ramming against my ribs, overpowering it all as it was super charged from his touch. His kiss. "Really, Bell? Charlotte died today. You almost killed Murphy. My wristband came off and- what if everyone's did? Why now? Why so suddenly? There's a whole world flipping on its head- my world- and all you can think about is sex?"

"You know what I'm thinking about?" he demanded of me. I paused and then shook my head. "The girl I love used me for what the fuck ever and then sold my sister out for brownie points with the counsel. For a year and a half I wa sure you were garbage, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't REALLY believe it. I couldn't shake you. You would pop up in my head at the most random moments and my whole body would ache someone was digging invisible needles into my nerves at night and then leaving me with the pain in the morning. I couldn't shake memories of kissing you or holding you or hugging you. I couldn't forget your laugh or your smile or the way your hand felt in mind. And then, I find out that the world I've been dreaming about escaping to in order to get away from you is finally mine! But you're here to taint that too, and actually, it's a total shit hole where nothing is right and it all just completely sucks. And then... you suddenly AREN'T the scum of everywhere and I don't feel wrong for wanting you and I can have you, so please excuse me for wanting you after all that."

I smiled weakly. "I'm sorry Bell..."

His forehead touched mine. "I'll forgive you for that if you forgive me for Murphy."

Honestly that was fair. I nodded and he moved close again, our breath mixing in the air between us. "Let's take it slow though. It's overwhelming just to be close to you touch you? Kiss you? Dear god, have sex with you? I might lose it." He laughed. "I'm serious! After losing you... thinking I'd never see you or O again, ever. I shut off. Turned into a robot for a year and a half. And ever since I heard your voice again all those emotions have been back except this time I don't know how to deal with them and on top of that it's been one thing after another-"

"Slow," he mumbled. "We can take it slow." I smiled gratefully. "Sleep in my tent tonight? JUST sleep, I promise. I just don't want you out here, out of sight and unprotected, when I have spit on my bed."

My face split in a grin. "I would love that." That night I slept in Bellamy's tent, in his arms. His breath was cool and his body was warm and I have never slept that well in my life.

[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar

[lutherkckpronotgreen]

Ecclesiastic....

Chasing the wind everything is pointless if you know everything. If there is no new, no struggle. But honning a skill takes patience not rash hastey. Two very different situations. You can spend all your time consuming information, like a recorder, to play back later for something that doesn't matter. If there was one more time, wouldn't there be another? Wouldn't that be wonderful escapade or another trip down the rabbit hole. Wouldn't that be the same? The trials of indeterminate amount of effort once placed amounts to nothing but pain. Impervious to the wretched, evil cloaked around you as friends and people you know. From deep insight to without a clue. The day still continues on and on without regard to those around. Like a constant in a formula, we try to schedule our days in neat little boxes. Hoping that the solution fixes everything. But we lack the one necessity, the thing we should have pressed further still trying with. Yearning to complete but concerned about it ending, because we don't know what's after the end. Typically it would go back on the shelf, I don't think it belongs there, rather on the bed. With me at night, the power in truth, with in. Yet only few, know like the elite of this world favored with knowledge from The Lord God Almighty. Knowing, believing, faith all 3 working together and yet different, but similar.

-

Reminded me of situation in past and present along with still not having finished the Bible yet.( not wanting to end, though it's always changing I wonder if I finish and restart if will be the same? Will I gain more or less? I have fire for it and I put off so it doesn't end. The inner life that springs up and ready to be productive and happy. A pleasant gift from God, that gets ya moving. Or is it better for a timely, but genuine feel of joy that, only the Lord God can give.. the amazing love from the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. From being emotionless, to if without bringing only tears from distance. But what a great pleasure and opportunity to have experienced and still try to never let go of what God does for all of us daily. The biggest thing I would want for my self if possible would have been to read sooner, I feel so behind. Like being so late it's almost closing time metaphorically speaking, but it never closes so the construct of thinking is wrong. To never be late but arrive exactly when supposed to. Is what boggles the mind. Humans have time but eternity doesn't. So as humans we rush, but as spirits we calm? Shouldn't we just pace ourselves not overworking like it says in the Bible? Putting to action is what truly matters. Growing in faith, gaining emotions but losing patience easier with tasks. But trying to not, It's not gone, rather perhaps just I've learned what burns and the fire has grown hotter and bolder. This is what I think perhaps causes anger. I didn't think it was like a level leaning to one or the other. There has to be another factor inside that I do not see. I will pray for guidance on this one to remedy it. Like a teapot about to boil.. but if right temperature it tastes is amazing, rather than burnt. Here's the question that might cause people to think. Knowing you have a pourpose