#you wanted to live vicariously through his ex gf

[v6quewrlds]

"he's following this person, he's following that person" baby if i went through my following list on my ig that i never touch, there would be some stinkers in there too... social media is not real life

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

Hiiii~

I've been mentally drained but well! Congratulations on being so close to getting your degree 🥳💕 Do you know what you want to do in the future?

Honestly it's been horrible to live the rom-com life but at least it's keeping my friends entertained 🤡

I kinda have been thrown around left and right by the situations since the beginning of the year 🙃 Currently aiming for who might be the man of my dreams but it's so frustratingggg. Basically guy A went to my friend to ask for my number cause he's interested in me. The description of me shows he has known me at least since summer 22 cause he mentioned me bringing my dog on campus which I didn't do since then. And well she said no which had me screaming internally and told her to give him at least my insta next time.

They did cross paths again at the fitness and he said she did well not to give him my number cause he should go the traditional way. They talked a bit and that was it. Thing is guy A sounds like the absolute dream: respectful, well spoken, takes care of his younger sisters and mom,is a med student, has great fashion taste, etc. So 3 months almost went by and A never appeared so I lost hope thinking why would a guy like him be into an average girl like me.

So guy B comes into picture. We have some classes in common, we start talking and I'm mind-blown cause we have great deep conversations. I thought why not see if anything could happen. Eventually he realised I am interested and asked me while we were walking by the lake on campus. I said yes and he said he's not disinterested but doesn't want to dive head first in and go with the flow. I said that's cool with me and then asked to kiss me. During that time I wasn't talking with my best friend which is very important.

A week after the kiss I made up with my friend and during a group meet up with the girls I am told A went and talked to her again at the end of the previous week. He tried to ask about me but since my friend told him we were on a break he told her that he thinks I found someone cause he saw us kiss, but he was happy for me. Thing is B called after our kiss to inform me he isn't emotionally available and doesn't want a relationship, but we still remained friends.

A week again goes by and A bumps into my friend again on campus (she's more on campus than I am so I guess it makes sense) and he told her he's certain I found someone cause I was with the same guy but he felt happy cause I seemed genuinely happier. He told her he'd keep his distance to be respectful and cause every guy deserves a chance (CRYING). When she told me that I started screaming once again on the inside and told her she must tell him what really is going on.

Two weeks ago he met up with her since it was her bday but since her friend (almost gf) was there they couldn't speak but he knew she had good news for him in regards to me, so they scheduled to meet at the end of this week and talk about me.

In the meantime ex korean bf that broke up with my ex friend made a new account after 3 years to follow me on insta cause I blocked him. And an old guy friend asked me to be fwb literally after I was sharing with him how frustrated I was on not being able to find a serious relationship.

I'm so frustrated by how commedic and ironic my love life is but also stressed out cause I'm waiting to hear if my chances with A are screwed 😭 Please pray for things between me and A to workout cause he's literally the man of my dreams 😭😭

-🐇

Hey 🐇 anon! It's so good to hear from you again and hear all about your y/n tales.

I am really excited about getting my degree and I would like to pursue the Communications field in the future, I am not entirely sure what area I want too specifically, I'm kinda just letting it hang in the air for now.

Okay, I'm really confused and also curious to know more. I don't know what you're manifesting to experience this y/n love triangle lifestyle but I am all for it and I am living vicariously through you.

As far as my love life goes?

Absolutely barren.

I don't have a crush, a romantic interest or even anyone that I remotely have a connection too because it just hasn't happened (it's also probably because I rarely leave the house).

But I'm cool with it, I'm too content in my writing and being single to worry about entering into a relationship anytime soon.

Oh, person B just sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to let you go either, the worst type of toxic fboi.

But person A does sound really nice and I wish you all the best with him, go out and live that Y/N lifestyle babe :)

[fairycosmos]

I spent 2 years developing a parasocial relationship with a guy I saw on my fyp. I know everything about his family, friends, his friends’ friends, his gf (and her friends) and ex gf (and her friends), basically everybody he follows on instagram. He doesnt even live in the same country as me, i know where he lives, his hometown, his parents, his interest, and his playlists. I woke up everyday for him. To check if he posted anything new. In the middle of a 2 year long depressive episode, he got me to wake up at 6 in the morning (time zone differences) and up for my 7 am classes. I spend all my time daydreaming of him and wishing I had the life his girlfriend has. Even if you take him out of the equation, she has everything I want. She��s 21, and completely moved out of her parents place, and into LA to support his career in modeling. She an artist, a creative, a lovely girl or atleast somebody that would warrant dozens of girl friends calling her an angel everytime she posts something. And that may not seem like a lot but as somebody living in a small town in a province in a SEA country, thats all I could ever ask for in life. Literally just employment, financial independence, a place of her own and she gets to share all that with her loving boyfriend. With all the stalking and sasaeng behavior I know I dont deserve to ask for anything but forgiveness atp but I’m so fucking jealous I could feel it in my chest. It eats at me every day for 2 years now I’ve lost so much weight I been look physically ill with supposedly no reason everyone around me is concerned and they want me to see a nutritionist but that not the problem the problem is i’m sick in the head and a jealous hateful bitch with nothing going on in my life but to obsess and stalk over two strangers who dont know I exist. I just want to have my own life so bad I’m sick of waiting things to get better it needs to start getting better and soon. The only thing I find comforting is lurking on his ex gf’s accounts bc maybe if she can move on I can move on too.

-🧧

i'm sorry you have had to deal with this feeling for so long and i'm sorry things are so hard, for real. i think it's ok to accept jealousy as a natural emotion, just like sadness or anger or hurt, and you don't have to crucify yourself for feeling it. it's alright that it's there. you can choose how you respond to it, even if practicing doing that takes a long time and progress is slow. that being said, it sounds like you're very self-aware about the fact that this has been having a really detrimental impact on your mental health and that you have been crossing boundaries in order to cope with processing that envy, which obviously isn't great. but you're not doomed to be stuck in that place forever. you can work on it, you put yourself first, even if it's exhausting and you don't want to and your life doesn't look the way you want it to look. it is completely normal to want love, financial stability, a place of your own - and you are just as deserving of all of that as this girl is. obviously, we all have wildly different lives, and some people are born into drastically better situations than others, but so much of the toxicity of parasocial relationships lies within the fact that social media is a complete fabrication, a smoke screen. even if these people do have things you want, which is totally understandable, comparing their performance to the world to your lived reality is never going to get you anywhere. and i think we all know that on some level, yet we often fall into that trap anyway, but grounding yourself in that daily may begin to shift your perspective over time.

do you think it would be at all possible to begin limiting your exposure to this guy and his girlfriend online? it sounds like you've developed a real dependency on living vicariously through them and watching their lives, and i'm not saying you have to give that up at all at once. i'm just asking you to consider maybe setting small goals with yourself regarding how much time you actually spend on these people - who are, like you said, total strangers really. it may be a good idea to start working on treating them as such, bit by bit. it seems like you have people in your life who care about you and who want you to be okay, who have noticed that something isn't right with your mental health lately. that's a good sign. whether you can see it or not, you are loved and seen exactly as you are. would you consider talking to someone you trust about what is going on? i know it can feel sort of embarrassing, and you don't have to go into detail about it, but like. just being honest about how unhappy you are with the way things are and having someone listen to that and take it in might be a really good place to start. i get that that's a big step, but i hope you know reaching out is always an option. you don't have to deal with this on your own. rather than a nutritionist, i think it may also help to talk to your family about getting a therapist or speaking with a mental health professional. i know there is a lot of stigma surrounding that, but at this point i think you need to see it as a form of treatment to regain your mental and physical health. having a professional guide you through the intensity of these feelings by listening to you and recommending specialised coping mechanisms can make such a difference. again, i know that's a lot. but i hope you never close yourself off to the idea of it all together, because there's truly no shame in seeking support.

by the way, as a sidenote, i'm not saying it's unreasonable to be jealous of extremely privileged people when you are relatively disadvantaged. like i said at the start, it's completely natural to resent those who seem like they are in the position to enjoy a level of comfort and fulfilment the rest of us have to fight to experience, if we ever even get to. and it fucking sucks. it fucking sucks to be single and exhausted and to feel so unloved. but i think it will do you good to really try focusing on what is actually in your control, what you can actually make of the material reality around you again. no, it may not ever look like dating this specific guy and having an apartment in LA at 21, but there is still a worthwhile life to live outside of that. there is still love around you, and experiences to be had. it may not feel like much consolation from the place you are in right now, but i do think it is a comforting truth. there are many ways to make your world feel more manageable. you said it feels like you have nothing going on in your life so you have to stalk and obsesses over these random people, and that's exactly why i think taking yourself away from the phone screen or the computer screen just a few times a day to focus on what is actually going on around you and where you can find a support network would be ideal for you at this point. i know it's hard, but this guy really is just Some guy. he's not the answer to your life's problems, or the solution to issues with your mental health. he is, at most a convenient person to project that stuff onto. if his ex-gf can get over him, you can get over the idea of him. with time, patience, external support and most importantly - self forgiveness. envy eats me up inside often, too. i get it. and it doesn't make you a bad person. i hope you're able to find the help you need, and i'm sorry for rambling so much. please take it easy. sending a lot of love your way. x

[witchofstarz]

I wish women would stop falling for and perpetrating the whole “ older men are better” myth.

edit: some errors

I feel like age gap relationships between older men and younger women are so normalized that even women themselves will bend over backwards to either defend these relationships or not bat a single eye at these pairings. They are everywhere you look, and I think it’s so strange because growing up I’ve always heard women ( or girls) say things like “ EWW I would never date a guy 1-2 years younger than me because I see them as younger brothers/babies lmao” or “ I like dating older guys because they’re so mature and men my age are immature” , but they never seem to critically think about applying these things to the older men that want to date them. They never put themselves in the shoes of older men ( and emphasis on older men, not just an older person but a man) and think about why these men might go for them ( the younger women). 

It’s not a coincidence that older men/ younger women pairing is common and it’s rooted in misogyny that places an importance in: a women’s youth ( which is associated with beauty), an older man having more experience and therefore taking the ‘lead’ and can ‘guide’ the younger women ( he can mold her as the person he wants her to be), men seeing young women as a status symbol/ trophy to feed his ego ( having an youthful wife/girlfriend vs an older wife girlfriend which is seen as an “ old hag” by society), older men thinking he can vicariously live through her youth even when he’s old, having a younger wife/gf that can be his caretaker as he ages. etc you get the point. 

Under the patriarchy there is such a huge emphasis on women only being valuable during their youth yet so many women will overlook the fact that men will look for and pursue women that fit these qualities. And this is important to note because women also forget that men don’t have the same intentions as them or just assume that older men pursuing them are decent and their standards for finding a wife/gf aren’t influenced by patriarchal ideals.  Women aren’t socialized to value ~youthfulness~ in men. 

And this brings me to the whole choice feminism consensus that as long as you are a women making a ‘choice’ ,then all it takes is for a women to give the green light to said choice is okay, no questions asked. No critiquing what influences might have been led her to a choice ( in this case it’s choosing to get into an age gap relationship with an older man without thinking about his intentions [ but hey that doesn’t matter *shrugs*] , and if you question this very common phenomenon your a misogynist who doesn’t respect women’s agency or whatever. ) IMO choice feminism is dangerous in this aspect because it sets precedent to having younger women date older men without the reflection needed that could prevent them from getting into unfavorable relationships. 

It’s important for women to always questions men’s intentions and analyze how living under that patriarchy might have influenced their own views on what an ideal male partner should be. ex ) men lying about how they ‘get better with age’ and ‘are more mature’ as they get older and thus might influence younger women into pursuing older men thinking it will guarantee them an ideal partner, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The only people these lies benefit are older men whom are trying to secure younger women by somehow showing that they are inherently being of more value than their younger male counterparts. The same does NOT apply to older women, in fact they are seen as bitter old hags past their prime that are just jealous of younger women. 

It’s important to see who benefits from  these “ older men are better “ tropes because unfortunately some women have fallen for them, hence women’s ridicule and aversion to younger men and thinking they won’t get the same bullshit from older dudes. The whole “ older men are more mature” thing is bs especially when you constantly hear about women behaving like managers and caretakers towards men who refuse to do their fair share of emotional labor + housework. Age is irrelevant, women still end up playing the role as older men’s household managers despite being younger. And it doesn’t stop there they are also supposed to bring a ~youthful touch~ to a relationship and help coax emotionally constipated older men into sharing their feelings ( emotional labor + playing therapist). If anything I think younger women are convinced that going after older men will somehow make them escape a lot of the labor and pain associated with being a women in a ssa relationship but they fail to realize that these are just issues that relate to dating men in general and the age of the man doesn’t change that......because men miracuously don’t grow out of their misogynistic ways as they age. 

(sidenote 1: Younger women themselves that think that they are best matched with older men is also weird since it perpetuates the whole ‘ younger women age faster / mature faster than men’. Like, let young women/girls be youthful and immature? Let them act their age?? It’s sad to see women internalize this whom mindset that somehow they need to match some older dudes mental age and believe that they are inherently more mature than guys their own age. Younger women don’t need to pair up with some dude at a different stage in life and he’s not that impressive, he’s literally just in another stage in his life and when they get to his age they’ll find out that he’s not that impressive.

(sidenote 2: Also wanted to say that wanting an older man for security is odd since it just screams traditional gender roles and tbvh idk why the hell are so called ‘ empowered’ women still looking for ~security~ from men. I don’t find why they find older ~secure~ men more impressive for being more into their careers when it's a given at an older age ). 

[trueslove]

✧･ﾟ: * (  park jiwon  ,  cis  female ,  she / her  )  have  you  seen  violet  hwang  around  ?   i  hear  the  twenty-one  year  old  is  working  as  an  art  director  .  did  you  know  they  have  97  love  alarm  points  ?  if  they  ever  want  to  be  truly  loved  someday  they  should  ease  up  on  being  temperamental  &  enigmatic  .  at  least  you  can  say  they’re  disarming  &  convivial,  too.  /  love alarm blocked

                     hello  !  im  xan  and  ur  watching  d*sney  channel ...  just  kidding  we  do  NOT  support  big  corporations  who  just  wanna  take  ur  money  😔  im  22  ,  from  the  est  timezone  (  even  though  my  sleeping  schedule  ...  does  not  reflect  that  sjbdwjkbdjdw  )  &  i  go  by  she  /  her  pronouns  !  im  gonna  be  honest  this  intro  is  gonna  be  completely  winged  so  buckle  up  ....  and  meet  violet  😋 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     quick stats + aesthetics  !

full name: violet hwang. 

nickname(s): vee, vivi.

zodiac: tba....

sexuality: bisexual.

birthplace: manhattan, new york.

current residence: toronto, canada.

aesthetics: maraschino cherries at the bottom of a glass, driving with the windows down at night, unanswered text messages, black nail polish, the sound of rain hitting the windowpane, kissing and not telling, smiles that don’t quite reach the eyes.

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     backstory ! 

was born and raised in nyc baby ! she’s a true city girl, grew up in lower manhattan ( the financial district if u wanna get specific ) to a family with lots of $$$$ thanks to her father’s position as a ceo of an investment bank located on wall street 

life was pretty smooth until she was 17 and her father got arrested for embezzlement and fraud </3 it was actually a huge scandal for the investment bank he worked for because it was a whole group of higher ups who had been in on these crimes. basically a bunch of already rich men trying to get richer ... disgusting ik /: 

her life changed pretty drastically after that ! the hwang name was all over the news, their family was pretty much disgraced by high society in nyc, not a very fun time for anyone but especially not for violet’s mom 

after her dad got arrested violet was uhh high key furious with him for ruining their lives with his greed and she wanted nothing to do with him, but her mom couldnt let go. she was still defending him, spending the money they had left on lawyers which included the money the family had set aside for violet’s trust fund that she would have had access to once she was 18 </3

 so her plans for college changed pretty drastically JSDBJWBDJW ( goodbye ivy league education ) she actually ended up getting into the university of toronto for visual studies on an academic scholarship 

so she made the big move all on her own....moved into a tiny dorm...and vowed to reinvent herself. she didnt wanna be labeled as the daughter of a white collar criminal anymore so she just made it a point not to talk to much abt her past to anyone 

her struggles as someone who grew up with $$$$ turning into a broke college student made for some embarrassing but funny moments <3 luckily though everyone else had their own struggles so no one found it suspicious JSBDJWBDJ

when love alarm launched three years ago, violet had just started college so it was really the Big thing anyone and everyone was talking about. since she’d never been a fan of other dating apps, she wasn’t gonna download it but her roommate at the time convinced her ! at first it was fun, just something she didnt take too seriously 

fast forward to graduation and she’s snagged a job as an art director for a little local museum, doing freelance art directing on the side to help pay the bills. low and behold one day a photographer hires her to be the art director to a shoot they’re doing for a badge club member who was in a very high profile and public relationship at the time

violet ended up working with that photographer and badge club member a handful of times, enough for her to catch fee-🤢 catch feelin-🤢 i cant even say it .. she’d never rung anyone’s love alarm before, so of course her first time had to be with someone who was already taken </3 safe to say she ... freaked out 

she was embarrassed above all else, but also heartbroken bc in her head like ... why would someone who literally is part of an exclusive club based on ppl ringing their love alarm care that she rung theirs ? she didnt think it’d be a big deal to them the way it was to her ( but also didn’t stick around long enough to find out jsxbsjbdjw ) 

when she was offered the block she didn’t hesitate to use it figuring it’s better if no one knows her romantic feelings ever again like that /: she’d delete the app but a part of her still likes knowing there are ppl out there who DO like her like that so ... Rip truly 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     personality + tidbits !

she comes across as ... kind of a bitch SDJBJWBJWBDW it’s truly not on purpose she just has a pretty serious resting expression most of the time ( so she looks mad or annoyed even when she isn’t ) and she’s pretty difficult to get to know ? not to mention the fact that no one has ever witnessed her ring someone’s love alarm .. so all that combined just makes it easy to assume she’s some sort of ice queen when that’s far from the truth /: 

violet really isn’t one to open up too deep to people, but that’s got a lot to do with the past she’s kind of running away from ! so if you’re her friend most of the stuff you know about her is probably surface stuff, but when she’s close to someone she can make that fact hard to realize ? she just has a way with making the people in her life feel important so it’s easy not to be focused on how much you know about her 

never bothers to correct the people that misjudge her. if you don’t like her, if you want to make up assumptions and rumors about her, go ahead like violet really won’t stop you which can sometimes make meeting new people difficult </3 if you’ve seen the dating class webdrama chuu was in she’s kinda like oh seyoung’s chara joowon 🤧

if she wants to, though, she’s pretty good at getting people to like her / trust her ! she does this a lot in professional situations, which is why she’s been doing so well as an art director so far despite being so young 

she’s also very loyal to her friends ! if you can’t ask for extra sauces at mcdonald’s....if you can’t make a phone call to your credit card company explaining that a $3,000 charge to starbucks wasn’t you.....she’s your girl <3 since she’s relatively not bothered by the way people see her ( unless it has to do with her past ) she’s usually the one speaking up if someone she cares about can’t 

after the ... incident ... JSDBWJDBWJ she’s really not a fan of the badge club and everything it stands for ): BUT she continues to do art directing work for a lot of the members when they do photoshoots, or instagram campaigns, or if they have a pop up shop, etc. it’s good money and she needs every penny considering she’s living without support from her family 

cannot cook to save her life so she’s always eating out .. this really is why she’s taking those more high profile jobs she can’t budget .. but it’s better, safety wise at least, that she continues wasting her money on takeout aha <3 

pretends she’s not a romantic and is all about the ~casual flings~ but really she’s just afraid of serious feelings and the idea of a serious relationship ... it’s the trauma 😔 constantly jokes shes gonna bring the tinder whore era back JWDBWJBDJW she is sick of this true love nonsense ! ( the irony of this url ahaha... ) 

she’s the most social after a few drinks, since drunk her isn’t burdened by a mind that overthinks literally everything the way she is sober. if you don’t supervise her though she can get pretty carried away and probably get into some kind of trouble so she’s definitely not the person you want to be in charge on a night out !

really wants a dog but doesn’t think she’s cut out to be a pet parent it feels just as scary as the idea of having an actual kid so ... BDWBDJW if you have a pet ? she’s gonna be living vicariously through you <3 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     wanted connections !

the photographer that hired her / introduced her to the badge club member she ended up having feelings for 

the badge club remember she had / has feelings for because we love suffering 😈

old roommates from college !! maybe even the one that got her to download love alarm in the first place hehehe

also a current roommate / roommates because your girl can’t afford to live on her own <3

someone she’s confided in about her past ( maybe they judged her for it and had a falling out, or maybe they remain confidants ) 

an ex bf or gf she dated while she was in school ! she never rang their love alarm ( even though this was pre block ) so maybe that’s why things ended between them. or maybe they never rang each others and it was just a mutual thing where they both didn’t really have feelings for each other and tried to date anyway and it didn’t work. or perhaps they dated and when violet realized she was starting to have those feelings she dipped before she ever got a chance to ring their love alarm bc she didn’t want to be exposed like that and commitment is scary ): 

spare best friend ? i’d use a knife emoji to show you how serious i am but i dont wanna scare anyone away aha .. i would just love a best friend plot 🥺

current flings / hookups or past flings / hookups ! i imagine most of them to not be serious but it would be kinda cool if there was someone she’s seeing now that she’s got the love alarm block that she’s actually falling for considering she’s never gonna be able to ring their love alarm hehehehe

people she art directs for !! i imagine she’s got a pretty long list of employers ( from badge club members to regular folk  🤧 ) so it would be cool to have people who hire her for stuff, or who collaborate with her for artistic endeavors since i’ve noticed we have a lot of artsy muses <3 

ummm maybe an enemy. but where it’s like .. the hate isn’t even that deep it’s just like oh you dislike me ? well i dislike you FIRST 😠 and they insult each other and try and sabotage each other like five year olds fighting on the playground like it seems super serious to them but to everyone watching it’s like ... can you guys just get over it you dumb babies KSDBSDBWD like they could probably be good friends if they just .. stopped 

and you’ve reached the end of this NOVEL of an intro post JDBJWBDJWBDW im literally so sorry i tried not to ramble but ..... its just who i am </3 please come shoot me a message to plot !!! you can use tumblr ims but im way more available / quicker to respond on discord so if u wanna add me there and plot u can find me at junhee mr. soft hands ʕ´• ᴥ��̥`ʔ#8172  i also did not check this post for typos so if u find one ... mind ur business 😭😭😭 

[sierrza]

I'm cray but I make it seem like it's the new beautiful.My jobs won't last long. My relationships are miles and miles down a dark part in my head. I get restless and feel like if I spend enough time stuck in one place my life flashes before my eyes like this:Born without lungs I couldn't use without a machine helping me remember to breathe so 3 months in a box NICU/ gravesite in the hospital where other babies were dying next to me and I was operated on every day hating life then hallelujah handed off to my teenage full on scream throwing shit annoying kyle parents who know how to get pregnant but not turn into role models or parents fit to handle their child without going all warzone style 5 or 9 days of the week and making me listen to them from the bedroom trying not to pee my pants because if i left the safe zone i'd regret it and wow fuck after 9 years of that bs my time got split by weeks on and off with each psycho.. I couldn't choose families so instead these fuckers mysteriously disappear right when a girl needs to get their parents shitty guidance the most..Normal 12 year olds deal with the growing spells and emotional rollercoasters and hit the fan normally. My heart started failing around the time my friend died while I was on restriction once again for months for asking a fucking question thats when my dad mad lost respect from me when I got yelled at for being upset about it minutes after realizing he texted me with no answer before killing himself and mom just got up and left with her kids a milli miles away n signed her rights solely to my dad who emotionally abused the shit out of me all that summer and on till I turned 16. mom never called back so i raged like hell when i physically fought him back after craving one day to get him to try me and he threw hands before kicking me out his gf and kids got to live with him. After billions of drastic measures to get myself free from never going out and seeing friends and sharing xanax with his ex to handle life for a year and a half and then having to withdrawal when she left him when I didn't even know what that word meant.Life flashes before my eyes and I want to change the channel and find something else God let me take over.I got free written all over me nowGangsta rap and millions of quotes for motivation made me do it biiitch. Till I hit a wall and started arguing with myself about who made the turn into that wall instead of climbing it and fighting that fight bagging up the wasted time.Mad frets being an orphaned only child with 2 siblings and parents closed off like I'm not allowed into their mix like family vacations and pets dying or weekly interactions or whatevs. Last year my mom kicked me out for the 5th time and I fought with my boy dude all aggravated and tried draining all my blood out in a Linda Lane parking space. God came over to me and handed my bloody spine a surge of survival juice and then did it again when I was drunk and made my car do cartwheels and kicked up the dirt on miracles when I walked away without getting paralyzed or killing someone and even gave me some advice and asked me politely to dig elsewhere instead of at myself and my health and my luck with my freaky misguided baddie self.I'm promising the world a better bitch because a bitter bitch is bound to get barked at by emotionally abusive barking freaks.I'd rather do the barking. I'm living like it's hard to die cause it is but this past year I've gone from codependent as a left shoe, to mad at the ones who got me twisted into something I wasn't, to gifting myself the go get em attitude back, and asking me aggressive ass questions about how I want to leave the world when my time does come and my heart retires. As kind as ever I be asking it to show willingness to undoubtedly fill others hearts who are broken too as a requirement for my shenanigans I left on my loved ones hearts last summer.I'm not trying to die as much as I'm trying to stop feeling so extra extra alive when everything gets so overwhelming and I just wanna be with my friends souls and not my retched body that has to endure so much thinking and wondering and blah blah blah.I'm not trying to give up but I'm lifting up every stone to find another reason to keep going when I'm running with no direction. My retched life is as important to keep from enforcing extinction as my friends were as important to me before passing too quickly.This journey is a fucking trip now that I'm flashing ya'll with it all girls gone wild style. The dreams I have are vivid and I talk a bunch about all that makes up who I am and why I think that is.And I'm mad and weird and people get intimidated by my lack of structure because I have trauma inside me like black on a yellow highlighter but this post is proof of just a quarter of whats fueling the weird greatness that is me. And its strength doesn't go unnoticed so I'm thrilled to be of distraction to you from whatever it is going on where u are.You really can't say you know what it's like to try and treat life like it's gold when it's an empty farm and no one is around to feed you.You can't feel sorry for me if you know that if you were in my shoes you would have been sent back to a better place ages ago because there was no way in hell you fit in this tank of a lifetime.You really can't say you hang in there cause you have the lives of 7 cats because piles of survival follows you like a shadow you can't detach from..I am my parent I am my guardian and I have been acting like I'm out of control in hopes of being acknowledged and loved for it but I'm mostly losing daylight doing that so I am forcing acknowledgment with this post and practicing self love for the science experiment that is the first child/girlfriend/friend that no one wants to remember having.This is not easy being single and wishing you could move vicariously through a partner but you're making that partner be you for once.. I don't know what to do with my hands..don't make that sexual I was just referencing taladega nightshahah andI love my parents they just face their children like they face their demons.. differently.Thank god I got all these prayer angels helping me see the light cause I'd be a dark lil somethin else if I didn't! God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiersTop tier immortality might have accumulated in here too idfk yet tho hopefully not ha ha ha (nervous laughter) (im really 900 years old but I forgot my ID to prove it to you)that's all for now.

[davidjjohnston3]

It appears as if my dream is coming true without me; racial understanding and unity are being achieved.  Madison, Wisconsin these days reminds me of Rutgers and China.  The sky seems almost unreal. In the past I didn't realize how big China is; I only thought about Chinese moms and girlfriends... or spies. * When I was 14 I seem to have been offered a happiness.  At 16 I had that happiness taken away and distrusted the people broke it up.  At 17 I liked or loved one of those people but was wary of her father whom I never met and didn't dare to ask a question. Instead of taking nothing, I took something else which was offered. I was offered a second or final chance recently but was unprepared or failed to follow through  / deliver the complete ready 'suitcase.'  Today I feel beyond sadness.  I have not felt guilt in a long time either but fear of the sky and the new day.  I also sense I taught the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time, and they became... I don't know why I tried to be so many things, or hold so many dreams.  I never followed through on one true thing.  I never awaited or sought God's confirmation. All I see is light and beauty.  The population of the United States is increasing / has increased.  I thought my life was over; I was satisfied with my 'museum.'   I wonder whether this is a new 'classical' age a la Yeats 'Leda and the Swan' but I hate things like that. I remember my Taiwanese aunt Jamie and I am thinking of Chairman Mao. Originally my aunt's name was 'Gloria.'  I do not know her Chinese name.  I know she lives in Redlands, CA, and last I checked had a long commute in LA traffic to a Buddhist college. I just want to disappear.  In all my life only two people trusted me, and I ripped them off - one I misunderstood; the other I miscarried or betrayed. I had all these dreams that were alive or lifelike, physical, fleshly - 'carnal' as Houellebecq says in 'Liquid Birth.'  But what's the point? I used to ride the bus around Korea thinking about an old war but now I don't know why.  It was one of those 'parallel' novels with small and large: here is the war, here is someting else, a relationship, as though to say, 'And while __ also __.' I was in Delafield which I visited first in 2009 and thought about the Iraq War.  I thought about General Mattis.  Before attacking a certain Iraqi city the Marine Corps played 'Hell's Bells.'  Why were they so eager to hurl souls into Hell instead of reaching out to them some other way?  Or am I misunderstanding? I was sitting by this river in 2009, wondering about renting an apartment - 'Do you like Asian art' said the person.  In the end I gave him like 500 dollars for the rent-deposit but didn't live there or something.  'Dirtbag!' I met Zola Jesus the same year and also gave her and her brother 500 or so. The Great Recession was cozy for me.   I was happy in a way with my downsized life, as if the pressure were off. I remember the McCain v. Obama election.  At first I was happy John McCain came from behind to win the Republican primary. It occurred to me again that I and McCain are 'Japanese' in some sense of accepting failure and wanting to go down as having had the right idea. I don't know why I lobbied for so long to get fair treatment from the world when I wasn't even asking either what I meant or ultimately wanted, or what God wanted for me, or what was going on or had been going on perhaps since the Lutheran Reformation and the Reformation Wars  - one long war, perhaps since the civil wars marking the Fall of Rome.  As if everywhere is 'Germany; the Holy Roman Empire.' * In the past I read Ecclesiastes a lot - 'and the ocean is not filled.'  I don't know why in some sense I thought I could fill the ocean, or wanted to keep sinking things in there. I remember in 2007 or so I ate buffet food with Taiwan-GF and her parents and they said, 'Why do white people eat Jell-O?'   We also ate some rice with raisins and nuts or something. I don't know why I was eating everything with everyone, trying to be cultured in small ways instead of 'made,' 'made for a purpose.' Nowadays everything seems like Rutgers with these modded cars and people 'expressing themselves.'  I don't want to critique others anymore 'cause I am not a teacher or social critic or columnist or whatever.  I wish I wrote a column for the Joongang but I don't understand their 'angle' or 'cropping' either.  I always just want to make giant arguments and if my organized argument doesn't work I tend to take a 'Red Army' approach as with pedagogy; cf. Kruschev in 'Enemy at the Gates,' saying 'Lose the other half [of your troops].'   People gave me all kinds of 'sign' advices and I don't know what I was thinking experimenting with their advice. I wish I were just working at a gas-station or something with my wife like my boss's Korean parents who became millionaires but the world is bigger now.  These country road I used to yearn to have one of to myself; my grandfather's house at the foot of the San Bernardino's, somehow reminding me of Belgium(?) or Alsace-Lorraine.  I guess in retrospect my happiness place was my apartment in Korea with its fire-door or suicide-door or whatever it was, feeling like a coffin of safe-deposit box; and 'office-tel.' I used to get mad at people for not doing what they talked about.  'My dream school; I'm offering you an idea...' No you're not.  'I want to start a kongbubang' - then he made a Smoothie King instead.   I don't know what anyone is trying anymore or what they dream.  Everyone seems to be trying everything; relationships are what they would have.   I thought of 'a small personal voice,' Chekhov, or something Nabokov said about Chekhov, about people confessing things in quiet voices.  I wanted to scream and yell at people when I was younger but I couldn't in my family and then the moment passed; I wanted to teach HS but was corrupt by then.  Nowadays people can't guess my height; they said I look 6'1 or somtehing but it's really like 5'10 5'11.  All kinds of failures and people I nuked and feeding toxic chemicals to people who love chemical-warfare. I remember in a way the person I wanted to be or the one person I tried to be was in 2002-2003 at the South Mountain Arena ice-skating with HK-ex-girlfriend.  I just liked that image of myself with my nose.  But why?   I keep trying to make a self.  There is this Korean poem, 'I made a self; like peeling an apple; like running off with a woman who was my social superior.'   I never ran away with anyone that I know of; I went to 'Taiwan and Its Contexts' Yale Conference with TW-1, ate some rice and shellfish and the guy said, 'Many of my white students become lawyers.'  I thought about IP and wrote some stuff about teaching HS civics after making money when in the back of my mind I thought, 'If a BigLaw associate makes 160K first year, in 10 years how much money can I have so I can retire and write.'  then at UW-Madison the average starting was like 90K, so... then I remmebreed S'hai's letter about not wasting your 20's and was like what if I just made a ittle deal with myself, my parents, a semi-noncomittall offering to S'hai-1?  What is the point of such gambits(?). I miss 'Maria.'  I like her sunny voice and wish I met her mom or knew more about her.  I taught 'process-writing' which in retrospect was a mistake b/c 'process-writing' is 'German, socialist, patching, bit-by-bit.'  It also mixes past and future, admits failure, and denies individuality or rather implies that individuality comes from other people or something.  Like if Chairman Mao kisses me here, KJU kisses me here, Rose-Apple kisses me here, overall, I'm the Blarney Stone of David Johnston, 'the glass man without external reference.'  Why?   The Bible says, 'God will establish you' or something... I remember all these Democrats saying stuff like, 'In my day we took our neighbors' kids aside and blah blah...'  Communists... My uncle 'Uncle Hammer' once told my dad, 'Discipline your kid.'  My dad walked out and never entered that house for years.  Years later he said, 'Actually Uncle Hammer is right DAvid is a terrible arrogant person etc...'  at the same time Dad was stealing my IP like, 'Let's figure out all DJJ's pornographic adventures, eat his brain and live vicariously...' Everyone was like, 'When everyone says something about you it's probably true...' I don't know if I have anything to say fairly about any of this.  People supposedly derive their impression of God from their parents / father but I've had more than enough time and spiritual 'invasions,' really, to have more direct knowledge of God.  I just had all other affections and dependencies and side-projects and assumed 'trying this would be good enough' without asking. I just wanted my 'little life' and later felt done.  I thought I was sincerely schizophrenic.  I was glad the pressure was off b/c everyone seemed to blow up in my face or doors closed; or I didn't know.  I looked all these Edu. programs but never determined in my heart or mind or prayed for the right to join. All these psychopaths... My dad studied Economics - my family are 'Chinese' - and now his dreams are coming true.  I wanted to be 'RCCP Mediator.'  I studied nuclear weapons but never wanted to drop them.  I was interested in 'nuclear sublime' an idea about Japanese cinema / anime.  'God gave us nuclear weapons to _ _ _.'  I wasn't there to hear His voice so I wouldn't know.  Truman said, 'The power of the sun, something something...'   Later I became intent on 'petite culture' and 'the feminine' and so on.  'I am not gonna think about this.'  I don't work for the Pentagon.  I should've applied to Cornell Hotel Management.  In the summer of 2003 I ate the hearts of burnt-outside oatmeal-cookies and thought / didn't think about Korean-Presbyterian.   * Xi Jinping is going to visit Korea after Covid.  'What's his angle?'  I didn't dislike Xi; I believed in 'Rule of Law,' questioned the Cultural Revolution.  My 'apologetics' for all this were / was flawed in that I argued about weapons-systems killing everyone and how that's why we should love each other, love / obey God.  'OMG weapons-systems?!'   I thought today of my Ukrainian old friend Stan.   I once wrote or started, 'Everything Is Spies.' I think it was about Jiheon Fromis_9(?).   Today I thought about, 'Brides.'  I wanted to say, 'You were like this, that, Korean, Black - just be someone's wife or rather you could be a bride, w/ covered hair.'  I admire the aesthetics of the Catholic Church and their talking about demons and stuff but what if... I feel like I was always reading to lose everything and I gave everything to the wrong people who just eat and eat and eat, then examine the excretions too.  I saw this picture of LOONA Yves and thought, 'My daughter, hold her.'  A beautiful hand, neither boneless nor bony like it has many purposes.  'A wifely smile.'  None of these people care what I say; they don't see what I see.   I remember being happy listening to Wonder Girls' 'Draw Me' and writing stuff.  Most of these people will never care.  Glee, glee, glee.  'Spend my life-savings!'   I wish I could offer myself as a resource to someone but no one's got questions for me anymore.   Everyone figured out what I had to say and what I was right about; those who didn't are determined to be wrong or evil anyway.  And I was evil in trying to make everyone 'right.'   I thought about 'character.'  I pretended to have good character but never stuck to it. I wasn't manly either and never studied manliness.  I didn't think about offering myself to a woman or loving a wife as Christ loved the Church; only 'making deals.'  Later I thought investing in the younger generation would be better; and I was happy to 'downsize' myself. I do not know either why I believed everything was suddenly going to change after Covid Alpha.  People still have secrets, holdings, ambitions, relationships, things which made them special, records, fellowship or lackthereof.  I thought the Millennium was upon us; foolishly as well 'engaged every target' in job-hunting and wasn't ready and I didn't understand journalism either or things like whether NK, TW is a legitimate government in terms of God ordaining a government.  I also didn't know how much of news was propaganda or not; I used to believe everything was lies or disblief was smart then believed everything in books.  I didn't understand 'the game.'  I loved Creation.  'Classic garden.'  Why not train people well?  All these well-made Koreans.  Before KR I hated others and in KR 2012 hated myself or felt alone or IDK.  It's a big country.  These AmKor Twitter ppl, Korea small blah blah.  IDK if they are even being sincere or just peddling cliches. I thought today, 'I am a failed Korean' - or 'failed to be a Korean.'  For a while I thought everybody in the future wanted to be a Korean but I guess they wanted to watch the Olympics. The Midwest is full of farmland more than ever. Man is continuing to subdue the Earth, to be fruitful and multiply. I have no excuse for myself.  What is the future? I didn't go to China so perhaps I do not know. I wonder whether people in the Midwest are still thinking, 'Sth's going to happen.' I have had too many options.   I always thought that I could 'parlay this in to that.'  I considered my CV as a series of changes or mutations.   'Seek thee first the Kingdom of God / and His righteousness'

[chippedfolks]

Here we go again

Right where should i start? hmmm Once Upon a Time.. Jk haha Well yesterday Jimmy asked if we could skype (we haven’t skyped/ seen each other in a month since last time we skyped was August 2nd) coz i was going to give me a pep talk before he starts work on the 4th of Sep. He really doesn’t know what i’ve truly been through, and how bad things are and really were but when he called too give me a pep talk before i started work it really lifted my spirits. So I wanted to surprise call him like he did too me because it was a great feeling, but oh well..i will text him on the day of his work in the morning and tell him im proud of him and i believe in him. I am soo genuinely proud of him, he has no idea. I just know no person as smart and that has a pure soul like he does will go unrecognised. I pray to all the gods and the universe that he stays blessed. I respect him and i know he is going to live a life worth telling. He’d love it if kids in school in the future could read about his accomplishments and learn about his life. If i were them, he’d be the person i would look up too.  Honestly, i was really really nervous following up too us talking, I was thinking about how it would go in my head before i went too bed last night, and what i wanted to say. Anyway so i got up today and had a bunch of things too do for my new shitty room (trying to buy things to make it looks better..don’t think it’s working!) And i said around 4 which was 6 my time we should skype i’ll be free. I actually mainly went out to the hair salon to get hair straighten (IKEA was right next to the hair salon so after to the hair salon i was like why not go). I was just looking like shit i didn’t want him to see me looking bad. I guess i tried too look decent haha, don’t know if your suppose to do that for ur ex. But maybe there’s an exception for an ex you still love. So i came home around 6 and was like i need to change my shirt i look gross, i literally tried on 8 shirts and shit and i was like fuck it.. i was like should I show some of my non-existent cleavage haha (gosh i miss our fun time) anyway i just went with the first thing i had on -.- Seriously i couldn’t wait too talk too him, i missed his voice and face soo much. I didn’t even get too properly see his tan that he has been working on all summer :( But wait for it :D..... I called him up, and fuck me he was tan like a good tan like a perfect let me eat you up looking tan. I tried to act cool, i think i did a good job. Gosh he is beautiful. The entire conversation i had to try my hardest to look away or else i would have fucked him with my eyes alone, i seriously was trying so fucking hard not too stare so much.. He wasn’t really looking at me either, more at the wall and sabrina because he was lying down. Oh well. Gave me a chance to stare! So all in all the convo was chill we made some jokes, he made fun of me a lot, it was nice, i didn’t mind. I was trying too flirt i dunno haha..maybe he was trying too (it felt like it) but i doubt it. It just felt nice inside a good tingly feeling, honestly i felt so fucking good inside. I missed talking to my true bf, he just always makes me so happy. We didn’t talk about much he sorta caught me up on the things he remembered and i’m not doing anything exciting in doha in particular so i had nothing too say..even though i always fucking managed to remember stuff i wanna talking to him about after we are done talking. I get nervous, even though i know him more than anyone i’ve ever known. I think that might change the less we talk, because everyone grows and changes as time goes by. Even in 2 months i’ve changed so much and i bet he has as well with al that he is doing :D I just hope he stay the fun loving and funny, down to earth weirdo i know him too be. There were some awks silences during our convo..guess we didn’t know what to say haha it’s cool tho, but i  still felt comfortable it was a good awkwardness. He talked about his own future and work and what he plans on doing, and obviously we aren’t together so it has nothing to do with me but it was a little crushing not going too lie. Deep down i thought he was still thinking about moving too london after a year at his current job. I’m still trying to work hard so i can go to law school in london and then apply for a job in london. Part of me wants too because i always wanted too, but a huge part of me wants too because i’d be closer too him (4 and 1/2 hours away including national express) but maybe he could move to london as well. Like we always planned. My dad said that after he is done educating me, i can do whatever the hell i want even if he means being with Jimmy, which i still do want. But Jimmy said “he’s thinking of working at his current job for 3 years”, so we’re not going to be at all together in person or even together for years and years. But after 3 years he’d definitely move on...like I don’t want to meet another guy or fuck other people, I want him and I would dead ass move too Portugal and find a job so i would be closer too him..but then i’d look crazy. We won’t be staying in touch as much, im guessing which already scares me (i don’t want him to ever leave my life!) but we aren’t together in person so its hard too love someone that’s not there. It was hard enough loving Long Distance, but we communicated all the time..all day! But yo he’s gone, he’s no longer mine. As time moved on he will crave female attention and physical attention and someone to massage his beautiful hair and kiss his soft dry lips. He wants intimacy and sex and love and i can’t give him that as much as i’d love too. And he will find that and he’ll be happy. It will hurt at least but he’ll be taken care of. How am i suppose too replace him or find a better version of him in any other man once i can longer be with him? I never wanted too let him go, he was my lottery ticket my one in a million and but i had too. I’ve not moved on yo, i still think about him. You know i always thought maybe i’m in love with the idea of Jimmy and not him so if i forget the idea in my mind i can move on, but talking too him and the way he made me feel like fuck i know exactly why i fell madly in love with him. He may just love me but not be in love with me, but i will never stop fighting to get him back until he lets me know he never wants me back in his life as his partner in crime in life or if he finds someone better. Nonetheless, i am extremely happy for him and proud that he still very much so wants to travel a lot,  and just live life. I was always holding him back because of the way i grew up, even though i would kill to join him im just stuck in an unfortunate situation. He’s still full off life and i love it. I’m able to vicariously live though the travel stories he tells me, and the more he travels the more i will feel happy :D  Oh i noticed he was still hugging sabrina the whole time we were talking, i didn’t really wanna say “hi my baby sabrina” even tho i really wanted too. I was trying so hard to be a chill friend, not his gf. We talked for a good hour and a half, but it felt like 5 mins too me. haha i still wanted too talk more. Oh he has another roommate joining him, so that will keep him busy when he gets home from work... and he can chill with francis and jony b and then go too bed without having to talk too me at annoying ass every night. He can finally get his good 8 hours of sleep. But boy do i miss those night phone calls, it was a great brief pleasure i had in life. So all in all so much has happened in both of our lives over the past 2 months and we both couldn’t remember most off it too tell each other on our skype call. It’s just so weird you go from knowing every beautiful thing (good and bad) that happens in a persons life, too not knowing anything once your not together. A part of you really does break off. I need too try harder too move on, like he has! He’s moving on too bigger better things :D which is not me, so the question is how does one force true love (on my part) too just stop?How you do stopping loving your love? It’s torture :( No tears i need too stop crying! today was a good day and he brighten up your heart and day. He was the best part of my day today, he maybe me forget about my real iife. Gosh haha i was soo happy for like an hour after talking too him, i even voice-noted sabrina and told her how happy i was. He really did/does make me purely happy, and since this summer has been so bad and low for me... just been blessed to have the hour too talking too him makes me feel like my old happy self again :) He really does bring out the best in people <3 Until i see him again. From a victim on forbidden love, and distance love.  Lots of love :D Your girl