#you too baltimore I checked that just for fun and nope same problem

[fuckyourtriangles]

Bro, you are on PRESALE what do you mean you're almost sold out?!

[andrewjos10]

The Definition of Overkill

Prompt: "I was chilling in my room when you knocked on my window asking me if I could come kill a spider for you. I LIVE ON THE FIFTH FLOOR HOW WAS THE WINDOW A GOOD IDEA TO YOU." 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10085483

Neil's not shy about admitting that he's afraid of a lot of things.

When you've lived the life he has, when every waking moment for a decade and a half has been run, hide, stay alive, it's a reasonable thing. If you're afraid, you're careful, and if you're careful you survive. But, in general, Neil's fears are pretty logical. He's afraid of knives, enclosed spaces, fire, his father, his father's people, the people his father was working for-

More recently, Neil is afraid of dashboard lighters, being tied down, having his legs damaged- He's afraid of people seeing his scars and asking questions, and he's afraid of being real. All in all, pretty reasonable things.

Neil is not afraid of spiders. If when he was six or seven he'd scream at the sight of them, it was surely beaten out of him. If when he was fourteen or fifteen he complained about spiders crawling in his clothes, it was surely drilled into his head that there were worse things in the world, like his father, like his mother's anger-

Either way, Neil is not afraid of spiders. If one gets in his apartment, he's quick to dispatch it, usually with a swatted newspaper. He's only been living here for three months, but it's the nicest place he's ever stayed. There's a clean bed to sleep on, food in his fridge, and an inconspicuous job that he goes to faithfully, day after day. With his father in a grave and the Witness Protection Program shielding him from retribution, some days Neil almost feels safe. It doesn't mean he stops looking constantly over his shoulder, it doesn't mean he stops checking exits, but it does mean that sometimes when his overeager coworker Matt asks Neil out for drinks, he accepts.

They'd gone out the previous night, and it had actually been fun. Matt's wife Dan was a fierce inferno of a woman, and their friend Allison from marketing had just the right amount of sass for Neil to enjoy her company. Renee, Allison's girlfriend, had set off all of Neil's danger warnings, but he had dealt with it for the night.

Now, the morning after, Neil regrets ever leaving his house.

Maybe, if he'd been home, he could've prevented this.

"This" is a spider. Spider isn't really a fair term for it though. It's the size of a dinner plate, huge and hairy and Neil has to hold in a scream. He's faced down the Butcher of Baltimore, been stabbed, shot, tortured, and much more. He thinks, given the choice between this spider and his father he- would still choose the spider, but he would at least stop to think about it.

It had been a good morning up to this point. The sun had woken him pleasantly early, and he'd felt relaxed and happy. Slipping on his running clothes, he'd been about ready to go for a jog, a strange warmth making his bones heavy in a good way.

And now, this. The worst part of the whole thing, Neil thinks, is that the spider is perched directly above the front door.

That's one exit down.

It looks like it's watching him. With its many, many eyes. Neil goes for the secondary exit, moving as fast as he can through the kitchen without taking his eyes off the spider in case it pounces.

The window slams shut after him with a resounding thud. Visible through the glass, the spider doesn't shift.

Neil catches his breath, leaning against the side of the building. His apartment is only three stories up, and the fire escape has served as his refuge the past three months. When the walls closed in on him, the weight of a brand new future far too much- this is when Neil retreated to the fire escape.

On reflex he glances up, checking to see if 5th floor is outside this morning too.

5th floor is the only other person Neil has seen out on the fire escape. From what Neil can tell from the bad angle, 5th is blond, small, and overly fond of the color black. They've never spoken, even though 5th clearly knows Neil is there. He catches him staring only once, but Neil knows how to recognize eyes on his back. Their silence is almost companionable, and they end up sitting together more often than not.

5th smokes far too many cigarettes, and Neil would judge him for it if he wasn't doing the same. The smell grounds him, reminds him of his mother and his promise to survive. Neil thinks 5th might even smoke the same brand.

Unfortunately, 5th isn't out there this morning. It's a bit early, but it's not unheard of for him to be awake.

Neil glances back through the window and the spider is still there. Watching him.

Mind made up, he clambers up the fire escape.

By the time he reaches 5th's window, he regrets the climb. What's he supposed to say? "Hey, I know we've never spoken and I don't even know your name, but could you come help me with the Godzilla spider in my apartment?"

Despite himself, Neil knocks. Through the glass he can see a kitchen that's neat, tidy, and chrome, a near perfect match for his own. When there's no movement in the apartment, Neil's stomach starts to sink. 5th might not even be home. What the hell does he do now? Does he call someone? Who would he even call? He can hear Matt laughing at him now.

Just as Neil is about to give up and resign himself to the embarrassment, a small, black-clad form stalks into the kitchen. It's definitely 5th. Neil would recognize that glower anywhere. He's strangely fascinating up close. There's a lot of muscle for such a short man, and definitely an air of danger in the sharp jaw.

Then 5th rips the window open and says very, very calmly. "What the fuck do you want."

Neil opens and closes his mouth a few times, fumbling for the words. "There's a really big spider in my apartment."

5th slowly raises an eyebrow, expression not shifting in the slightest. "And."

Neil swallows his pride. "Could you help me kill it please?"

5th's expression shutters. "I don't like that word. Don't use it."

Neil frowns in confusion, a hand coming up to scratch at the scar tissue on his face. "Okay. Will you come?"

5th watches him for a long moment. "We are on the fifth floor," he says, blank. "What were you going to do if I didn't answer."

Neil shrugs. "Call someone I guess."

5th stares at him a little longer and sighs. "I could shove you off this fire escape."

Neil stares at him hopefully. "I would take you down with me."

5th sighs even louder. "Okay. Move."

Obediently, Neil scrambles back down the fire escape. Against all expectations, 5th follows him. Back on his own landing, Neil checks through the window to make sure the monster hasn't moved. Nope. Still watching him with those creepy, creepy eyes.

Neil takes a deep breath and slides up his window, 5th following a respectable distance behind, one hand on his black armbands. Neil refuses to step away from the window, and 5th's eyes fix on the problem immediately. They widen slightly. "What the actual fuck."

Neil shrugs, looking at 5th while keeping the spider in his peripheral vision. "It was there when I woke up this morning."

"Bird-eating spiders are native to South America." 5th is staring intently at the spider, his voice slightly bemused.

"Escaped exotic pet?" Neil offers. 5th cuts him an unamused glare. They both look back at the spider and in response it moves a foot down the wall. With those long legs, it's only a single step. Neil tenses further, if it's possible. His weight shifts on the balls of his feet and he's ready to run. Even 5th looks unnerved, something hard around the corners of his eyes.

"Fuck this." 5th says flatly, and slides a blade out his armbands. Neil has flash of instinctive terror before the knife is flying across the room. It hits the spider right in the thick of its body and impales it into the wall. Watching it die, Neil thinks dimly that he's probably not getting the deposit back on the apartment.

5th watches its twitching stop with something bordering on satisfaction.

"I don't- thanks." Neil says weakly. Neither of them makes a move to retrieve the knife. 5th stares at him. Neil stares back. "Oh yeah. I'm Neil."

5th flicks his eyes away, adjusting his armbands. "Andrew."

It's awkward, now that there's no emergency. Neil tries to imagine what Matt would tell him to do. How to befriend someone after they basically save your life, Matt style.

"Could I buy you a coffee?"

Andrew's eyes swing back to his, something calculating in them. He looks Neil up and down, fixating on the messy scar tissue on his cheeks.

"Hot chocolate. There's a place a block from here. You have ten minutes." Andrew walks across the room and pries his knife out of the wall. The spider falls to the ground in a sloppy pile of limbs.

He disappears back onto the fire escape, and Neil half-smiles into his empty apartment.

Then he remembers he needs to get rid of the body and curses Andrew all over again.

[claudecat17]

Another Year of Outdated, Ineffectual Orioles Marketing

Yes, friends, here we are. It's 2017, and while the O's immediate future may not be blindingly bright, there are lots of reasons for hope. Most of last year's fellas are back, they've jettisoned a pitcher that surely would have caused some losing, and they've thrown enough lumps of something or other at the walls of pitching and outfield that surely one or two might stick in a pleasing way. It could be epic.

But all signs point to absolutely nothing changing in terms of how the club uses the media and promotions to entice fans into Oriole Park at Camden Yards, still the gold standard for in-park experience. This after a season of disappointment attendance-wise. One would have thought that perhaps some new life might be added to the advertisements and assorted other related O's foistage, that maybe a new set of eyes on the same old crap fans have been seeing for several years now would result in new ideas.

Nope. Looks like it'll be yet another year of those tired "Ain't baseball great?" and "(something dumb) versus (something dumber)" television ads. "Orange carpet benefits!" "Most liberal exchange policy!" It's all true, but it ain't workin'. It's gotten to the point where they don't even bother to check old inserts for player names that might not be with the club anymore. I heard a Wieters reference during pre-game on the radio the other day.

Could it be time to finally admit that the O's are overmatched when it comes to selling baseball to their intended audience? It's as if they've given up any hope of doing anything beyond maintaining the status quo. Which means few new fans in seats, few people getting excited even as the team's in first place, no buzz around town as important playoff-determining series take place in front of half full houses.

Just a little bit of something, anything new might change that a little, don't you think? The standard ads are basically a form of hypnosis at this point, right? Does anyone rush out to buy tickets because of these tired, cookie cutter spots that first aired several years ago?

The O's have perhaps the single most photogenic and immensely talented player on the face of the earth in Manny Machado, not to mention the highly explosive and quotable Adam Jones, yet no effort is being made to sell this to the fans in any way that could be construed as exciting or an inducement to come and see these guys in person.

It's as if the O's have assumed the marketing demeanor of their dullest and cliché-spewing-est players. The Chris Tillman/Chris Davis/J.J. Hardy crew of lunkheads and country music fans. That's unfair. I should have listed Matt Wieters and Nick Markakis rather than Davis and Hardy. The current campaigns were crafted back when those guys were still relevant, and that's a problem.

It's time to embrace something slightly less stuck in the past, something that might (gasp!) target an audience not comprised solely of older white folks. I'm convinced that there is an entire demographic that's being ignored, one that falls asleep every time they see a cute tot muttering "Ain't baseball great?" Why can't it be great for everyone, and why is that question enough? Why shouldn't it be "Why ain't your ass in a seat at the damn yard?"

Furthermore, why can't the team do a better job of making clear just how affordable a day or night at the yard can be? Two upper deck tickets and parking? Less than fifty bucks. Bring in your own grub, or buy it for cheap outside the friendly confines. It can be cheaper than a typical movie night, but I doubt people at large realize that. They could spend about the same to see a few of the world's most talented and pretty baseball players do it in the flesh or the latest car-chase and explosions movie and one bucket (or small bag) of popcorn. I'm betting if this were emphasized the yard would be fuller.

The fact is that the Orioles are just plain stuck in the past when it comes to marketing. Which is not all bad. They do an excellent job of celebrating their past, and I'm sure this year's 25th anniversary of OPACY will be done with much class and with a parade of former players for the elderly to ooh and ah over. But that don't bring in the young'uns, does it?

It's time to take aim at the young with greater clarity and maybe a few sparkly shiny things. Maybe an app. Shirtless Manny poster night. I dunno, I'm old, so I have no idea what appeals to those people, but surely it's not what's being done already.

Look, I'm not saying that the staid marketing is entirely to blame for the poor attendance recently. Certainly there have been other factors, including weather, mega-colossal screen TV’s, a late FanFest last year and the resulting delay of season ticket sales, inconsistent prime game pricing, timing of giveaways, Ubaldo’s continued existence, etc.

But that's what effective marketing is for, to clarify the good and sell past these obstacles. It really is safe, comfortable, and reasonably cheap to come to the yard, plus the O’s have some top flight talent (for a few more years anyway). Do people get this message? Not from the O's they don't. “Baseball’s great!” You gotta polish up the turds and sell ‘em as features. Baltimore’s baseball fans can be as bedazzled by slithery wily advertising as any other city’s, probably more so. Just stop already with the circa-2011 crepulence.

I could go on and on about this kind of thing, and have already, but I'll screech to a halt here by offering up a few guaranteed-to-work nuggets of marketing gold:

- Bring back bargain nights during the week! When the Tuesday Ollie's Bargain Nights quietly went away last year it had a devastating effect on upper deck attendance. Lots of ghost town nights up there, lemme tell ya. Get those seats sold for a slight discount and everybody wins. They'll make money on concessions and the fans will still feel like the team cares about the less than affluent. If it were up to me there would be at least two bargain nights per week.

- Bring back Natty Boh! Sure, it’s crap, and not even brewed in Baltimore (or anywhere within thousands of miles), but the locals love the stuff. Even tourists ask for it, often with embarrassing consequences, but that adds to the fun!. Stop letting the big bully beer conglomerates push you around just to make a few more shekels on each Coors sale. If you can sell Dos Equis or Stella Artois, there’s zero excuse for not selling Natty Boh.

- Expand the Dugout Club. More dates means more future baseball fans. This one is so easy. Those families may be annoying, and we all despise those monster-truck size strollers, but at least the seats get filled and folks generally have a great time. No more than one beer per dad-fist though, at least when accompanied by a rug rat. Moms are more apt to be able to handle two at a time (so to speak).

- Eliminate Student Night and replace it with, I dunno... anything (or nothing) else. Friday nights tend to sell well anyway, so why must they alienate anyone that buys a real ticket on the third base side upper deck by having 'em sit amongst hordes of drunken and rowdy "students" who don't give one single fuck about the baseball game being played. It's always bothered me that the very cheapest tickets are those for Student Nights, and those cretins pay no attention at all, just pound down trust-fund-financed beers. The savings on police and alcohol enforcement staffing alone make this a no brainer.

- This may seem surprising after the last one, but how about (small) discount beer nights? Theme it up too. Play up just how diverse and crafty the selection is if you look around. They'd still make a hefty profit, and I'd imaging that'd bring some folks to the yard. Perhaps this could get rowdy, but if you make those nights one per customer at a time it would still be far less mayhem than the thousands of roaming "students" clutching multiple beers while staggering towards that bathroom. Or that other bathroom.

- Or at least do discounts on hot dogs or something. Feature different food discounts on a rolling but highly publicized basis. All people need is the illusion of a good deal and they'll come. It's all about removing obstacles, and the price of concessions is one of the biggest ones, if you go by what the vocal majority likes to bellow/slur (once they’ve dropped $80 on beer). Throw 'em a bone and those dogs'll fetch a half dozen $2 Esskays. And some souvenir sodas at full price. Or beers.

- Stagger the giveaways so that at least a few of 'em happen on nights that would normally be sparsely attended. Everyone wins here. People hate the fact that most giveaways happen on weekends, usually when the big-ticket teams are here. It turns into a festival of anger and mayhem when there are far too many people for far too few tchotchkes. I think folks would love it if on a Wednesday night they could be pretty much guaranteed to get that all-important Brad Brach candy dish. Present an atmosphere of calm for more giveaways and maybe those folks come back when there's no free stuff, just the damn baseball.

I could come up with more. Can you? I invite your suggestions, which I promise to insert into the appropriate box if I deem them even marginally worthy. Thank you.

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