#you thought I was lying about sharing my birthday with Deborah

[black-parade-phantom]

⭐HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME⭐

Sharing my birthday with Deborah (her being Castiel's ex and all), has not been an easy experience, because it is sad, you know? having to see her standing there all alone while I have all these gifts and friends and- Crowstorms main singer 🤭 but you know what? I learned something... I can just turn around so I don't have to see her ugly ass 💋 Happy Birthday Deborah, hope it's your last💋

bonus:

Oh yeah, I share my birthday with Hyun as well, but we dont hate him, this is a NO HATE TO HYUN hosehold, love that bitch

[mollrat101]

While the joke was that Deborah just loves attention, she’s not gay or straight, I do think there’s room for really examining that and they did leave the door open. 

Cause I do feel like the show is really asking about Deborah of what’s the difference between attention and real intimacy and desire and love. 

That’s what Ava was trying to get at with her convo on comphet. There’s a difference between liking attention and actually desiring closeness and intimacy with another person. And it’s not always clear where the difference begins and ends. 

Deb got caught up in the temporary attention by the women (which turned out not to be real which *sighs* let’s not get into that, it’ll just make me mad lol) which almost turned on its head the comphet point Ava was arguing. Deb got caught up in the attention of women, but there was still no real intimacy or desire. 

The conclusion (at this point) feels less like “Deborah is straight and she just likes attention” more than it does “actually, Deborah is so closed off and cut off from her own desire that she can’t actually tell the difference between being attracted and just liking being wanted”. Which was Ava’s point but turned up to 11. Deb says she’s turned on by flattery, but I don’t think that’s really true. 

Deborah is a performer and I don’t think Ava was wrong in her email that the adulation from fans gives Deborah a sense of love that she lacks in her personal life. But, of course, it’s not real love. These people don’t actually know Deborah, especially based on the fact that she’s been lying for so long. The tragedy of Deborah is, for so long, no one has really known her, not even supposedly the people closest to her. 

But I think, like all people, Deborah has a deep desire in her heart to be seen for all she is and loved. 

I think what’s clear about Deborah’s love life is that Deb loved Frank with all she had. She tried to make it work between them. She wanted that artistic life with him. She wanted a family with him. She wanted to share her new success with her family in the unaired pilot. But Frank didn’t want to see Deborah succeed, it threatened his ego. He loved Deb as long as she didn’t outshine him. 

But even with someone she loved and someone she wanted to be close to, Deborah still had sexual problems with Frank. 

“Ladies, have you ever noticed that men seem to feel entitled to sex on their birthday? No, thanks. You know, a word of advice. Next time, marry a guy born on leap day.”

In the original pilot script: “My ex-husband always thought he was entitled to sex on his birthday. No thanks. I’m going to make sure the next guy I marry was born on Leap Day.” 

It’s hard to say at this point why Deborah struggles so much with sexual desire, as we still need more information. But I could argue that maybe the desire Deborah is missing from her life is actually related to how few of the people she sleeps with really know her. They’re sleeping with a version of Deborah that’s a performance. There’s an argument to be made that sexual desire for women is really wrapped up in wanting to be wanted and there’s truth to that. But the question is, which version of Deborah does she want to be wanted for? 

She sings “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman” which does express the point of what kind of woman Deborah wants to be. Deb’s ideas about womanhood are being challenged right now. But it doesn’t feel earned because of a fake piece of attention she got from one woman who doesn’t know her. 

“Although Goffin’s lyrics could be interpreted as describing a woman being validated by a man, the song has come to be seen as a celebration of womanhood and as an anthem for female empowerment. As Dr Mike Jones of Liverpool University’s Institute of Popular Music points out, no one who has listened to Franklin sing it ever imagined that this was a woman who needed validation from anyone.”

What strikes me about this song is that it actually is perfect for Deborah. It’s about a woman who has become more secure in herself. A woman who is living a more authentic and freer version of herself. Someone who has found clarity and purpose. Someone who has managed to both be confident in herself and in her own skin, but also free to get close to others. She is a woman who is self-assured and confident about her life, who she is and in her own body. 

But the problem is that nothing before makes this song feel earned. Deborah hasn’t really gone beyond the idea of wanting validation from men, as evidenced by her desiring Marty’s attention. Ava has only just presented this idea to her and she’s had no time to digest it. Who has made Deborah feel like a “natural woman”? A woman who’s faking flirting with her? I get that she doesn’t know it’s fake at this point, but by making it fake it removes the impact of this moment. 

See, I understand if the writers didn’t want to further the idea that anything romantic will happen with Deborah and Ava, but taking out the subtext actually makes it make less sense. It would’ve made more sense if a compliment from Ava would’ve inspired such a strong reaction from Deborah. Both because of how well Ava knows her and because of how much Deb cares about her. A beautiful young woman who has seen you at your least glamorous and knows your secrets and tells you you’re sexy? Especially from the woman who could embody the lyrics of “ When my soul was in the lost and found /You came along to claim it”. A woman who has broken through Deb’s walls and allowed her to finally start healing and living a fuller life. That would make the song feel justified. 

Edit: @lavenderwedding made a good point that the song choice might be more about what Deborah wishes to be, rather than what she’s currently feeling. That’s honestly a good interpretation and I think is a good alternative to my initial thought that the song wasn’t earned. The song could suggest that Deborah eventually will become that self-assured, sexually confident and emotionally open protagonist of the song, but she’s not there yet. And the fact that this happens after the comphet discussion, Deb examining her sexuality could be the key to achieving this. 

Cause it’s a natural human desire to want to be desired and validated. I don’t think that in of itself is a problem. Ava and Deborah provide each other the validation they’ve desperately been wanting. But when it comes to men, and people in general, Deborah has been getting validation for superficial reasons. A facade that’s not really who Deborah is deep down. Marty just wants to pick Deb up when he feels like it and has no interest in investing in her as a person. With other men, it might have been similar or Deb deliberately kept them at a distance so as not to risk hurt. 

Why I think Deb’s idea that she’s turned on or wants flattery isn’t true is 1.07 where Ava tells DJ how cool it is that she found someone who loves her for exactly who she is. The camera cuts to Deboah looking sad. DJ accuses Deborah of being jealous that DJ has found a person who loves her and the thing is? I think she has a point. Deb keeps doubting DJ and Aidan’s love for each other and it’s proven wrong each time. Her own bad experiences with Frank making her not see that they’re the real deal. Her cynicism is proven unjustified. 

Deborah wants to be loved unconditionally but she doesn’t know how to get out of her own way enough to let down her guard enough to let someone in. The risk is potentially pain when you’ve shown someone yourself and they reject you but there’s also a potential reward of someone seeing you and loving you. There is no shortcut to that. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. 

I have no idea whether or not having someone who sees Deborah clearly and loves her would fix her sexual problems, but it at least has powerful potential. 

Part of why I believe (or believed, I don’t feel especially confident) that Ava was the partner Deborah has always wanted is that she makes all the pieces fit together of what Deborah has been missing. 

Ava doesn’t start out as a fan, so slowly Ava starts to respect Deb as an artist. Ava doesn’t flatter her like a fan would, on the contrary, she challenges her which is what Deb needs. She forces Deb to stop performing and being more honesty, something that no one else ever calls her out on. Ava clearly sees Deborah in all the sides, as an artist, as a mother, as a friend. She shares Deborah’s love for the craft so she understands why this matters so much to her. But Ava is a writer, not a performer, so there’s not the same level of competitiveness, in fact they complement each other’s strengths. Ava is actually a good person, unlike Frank who felt no remorse when he hurt her. Deb can’t find a perfect partner, but she can find a good enough one who will try their best to be better. And finally, because of all her sexual problems with men and her narrow views on exploring her sexuality, Ava offers Deborah a chance to explore something she’s long not given herself the opportunity to do. Which in turns, her falling for Ava would challenge her internalized homophobia in a really substantial way where the consequences would be felt personally. If Deb can’t figure out her lesbophobia and compulsory heterosexuality, then she potentially loses out on a great relationship. 

I’m not confident anymore this is the case because season 2 has taken out a lot of the romantic subtext of the first season, but all the pieces they set up still make sense even if they choose not to follow them. 

Again, maybe all my concerns about Deborah’s sexuality could be answered. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this. They’ve set up a lot of interesting pieces. What I’m not clear on is what solution they’re presenting Deborah with. Especially something that makes ALL the pieces fit together. 

[arelyhb]

WRITTEN BY: A.Wölf.

SOUNDTRACK

NOTES: FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS, MY ITALIAN BABY GIRL ♥ @clockgirl94​ You requested your gif story at @theartofimagining13 but since it’s your birthday, I worked on this first and posted it here for you.

I hope you enjoy this, and THANK YOU for existing and choosing this beautiful gif (Which I went and made myself because you can’t be to careful).

This is when your affair with Agent Javier Peña had been going on for a few months.

He sometimes terrified you because he was a man and not just another boy like the ones you were used to and could’ve treated like toys. Javier had power in his soul.

You were used to him being gone in the morning after sharing a passionate night. At the end of every tough day, he’d just show up at your place, sometimes even unannounced, and just crash his lips against yours desperate for you to clear his head with your touch, otherwise, he’d go insane. But he never stayed. It was the one unspoken rule. You knew it was only an affair and sometimes you wondered if he took advantage of the age gap between you.

There were days when you couldn’t get that thought out of your head because if he didn’t find you home, he’d call you on your cell phone and pick you up wherever you were just to take you back to his place. And he didn’t let you stay either, he’d drive you home as soon as you were done. After a while, this started to bother you. There were days when you could handle it, but for the last couple weeks, your patience had been compromised.

“You could’ve brought a fucking a wine bottle at least.” You snapped at him once, when he knocked on your door a little after midnight.

That was a first for Javier. He studied you as you just left the door open, walked away and towards your bedroom while removing your shirt. He smiled to himself loving every second of it; the fact that you were angry but still hungry for his bad loving, it drove him crazy. And like the wolf he could be, he followed you into the bedroom and silently asked for forgiveness kissing every inch of your skin and so you wouldn’t close the door on his face the next time.

“Fuck…” Peña cursed when he caught himself thinking about you in the midst of a DEA operation.

For the coming days, you were all he could think of; while having his morning coffee, while smoking, while chasing after the bad guys, when he arrived to his empty home, while lying wide awake in bed at night.

What if you were with him in that moment? What if you had breakfast together every morning?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He thought. 

That wasn’t supposed to happen. Why were you dancing around his mind all the time? It even put him in a bad mood at work. His partner, Agent Steve Murphy, had noticed that he was angrier than the usual but he kept his mouth shut for weeks until one day, when Javier accidentally knocked his coffee cup over the desk and threw an unnecessarily violent tantrum that disturbed every witness.

“Hey, come on.” Murphy scowled at him and beckoned him over with one finger outside the office for a private conversation in the hallway.

He had had enough of Javier’s shit. Frankly, Steve Murphy was sick of it.

He suddenly pushed Javier against the wall and gripped his shirt taking him by surprise.

“Whatever it is that’s making you act like a fucking dick around here needs to stop now.” He threatened.

Steve knew Javier like the back of his hand, so when he began to shrug, Murphy tightened the grip on his shirt as a warning.

“What is wrong with you?” Murphy asked. “It’s the Italian, isn’t it?”

Steve had witnessed when the two of you met, and he could see that Javier had developed a different interest. One that completely deviated from his M.O. of looking for passion in the streets and paying for it. That thought no longer crossed Javier Peña’s mind. Murphy was impressed and had guessed that it had everything to do with you, but the stubborn man held tightly onto his own bullshit.

Javier could’ve killed Steve with his glare.

“Her name’s Deborah.” Javier said with a clenched jaw.

He pushed Murphy away to free himself.

“Oh, yeah? Well, grab the phone, fucking call Deborah and tell her how you’re feeling, because it is no one else’s fault in here that you’re a fucking chickenshit.” 

Peña did feel bad because Murphy would never act like that unless he was truly mad, and if he was, then it meant that he had done something wrong to detonate it. And after all, they were good friends.

“That’s love, buddy.” He added. “Welcome to the club.” He started to walk back to the office and shook his head. “Fucking man up, Javi!”

You were in a small café, celebrating with friends when your phone rang and Javier’s name came up on the screen.

Your heartbeat stuttered. You had silently hoped for him to call you on that specific day. You had even put on your best dress and prettiest underwear just in case. Soon enough, he picked you up.

“Put your seatbelt on.” He ordered coldly instead of greeting you.

As he was driving to your place, you realized that perhaps you didn’t need this after all; him having his way with you for you to wake up alone again. Not today. Not on the eve of your birthday.

But why would he even remember the date? You had only mentioned it once before and maybe a boyfriend would remember but a lover? But you couldn’t help yourself with Javier. You were addicted to the older man and his kisses that usually tasted like whiskey and cigarettes.

You couldn’t fall asleep after sex. You just turned on the bed with your back to him as a million thoughts came in and out of your mind. If he was trying to make history in your heart, he had already succeeded in a bad way.

Your stomach clenched when you felt him stirring.

He’s leaving, you thought as your heart began to crack and break.

This was the type of man who definitely made girls cry.

But he had pulled something out of the bed that you hadn’t even noticed was there in the first place, and he stared at you, naked and wrapped in the sheets, and he hated Murphy for being so right most of the time.

“Deborah?” He murmured and kissed your bare shoulder.

He placed one hand on your hip and rubbed gently.

“It’s after midnight.” He announced.

You sat up on the bed, confused while he handed you a beautiful wooden box. You slowly opened it to find a bottle of very expensive (apology) wine, but there was something more; a red ribbon wrapped around it with a set of keys hanging from it. Javier was nervous, more than he had ever been.

“I’m too old to... do the boyfriend thing.” He began and took a deep breath. “But.. I want you to move in with me.” He confessed. “I know… I might come off as a selfish prick right now because this would be more of a gift for me if you said yes but… the truth is, I can’t stop thinking about you. I-”

You thought you were dreaming.

You gently placed your fingers over his mouth to stop him from saying those three words that terrified him. He’d say them truly when the time was right. You just showed a little smile at the sight of the fearful Agent Peña and gave a nod. He sighed and immediately crashed his lips against yours and gently pulled away with his brown eyes on yours and a warm smile you had never seen before.

“Happy birthday.”

For the first time in years, Javier Peña had opened up his heart to someone. For the first time in a long time, you woke up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee, and the sound of him lighting up a cigarette right next to you.

[mollrat101]

Symbols Analysis: Ava’s Doc Martens

Read the entire Ava & Deborah Could Be Endgame series here or on A03. 

Ava doesn’t wear her signature Doc Martens when she goes to the interview in Episode 9 and the show clearly wants you to notice this. 

In fact, she goes out of her way to find the other shoes, the “Fenty Pumas with the gummy soles”, from the garage in her LA home which she’s now renting out. (They’re Fenty Puma Creepers.)

“I need to get to an interview, and I need to look cool, hip, young but also not trying too hard, you know”

This is the explanation as to why she breaks out into the garage and freaks out the tenant. She thought these shoes would accomplish this. 

Prepare yourself for talk about shoes, apparently! (This is how deep this show has sunk into my brain lol)

Here’s what Doc Martens’s website says about their signature shoe: 

“Dr. Martens’ appeal to people who have their own individual style but share a united spirit – authentic characters who stand for something. People who possess a proud sense of self- expression. People who are different.

On a stylistic level, Dr. Martens’ simple silhouettes allows their wearers to adopt the boots and shoes as part of their own individual and very distinctive style; on a practical level, their famous durability and comfort make them ideal for the unforgiving world of gigs and street fashion; and then finally on an emotional level, they are a badge of attitude and empowerment.” 

The Doc Marten boot was created in the 1960s and quickly became heavily associated with the British underground punk scene. They symbolism non-conformity.

When I saw Ava’s Doc Martens, I actually thought of a famous character who represented 90′s nonconformity, Daria Morgendorffer from the animated series, Daria. 

Between Deborah and Ava, Ava tends to represent the ‘individual’ and the ‘rebel’. She doesn’t conform to gender norms and doesn’t ever feel the need to explain herself about this, she’s openly bisexual which is still a pretty stigmatized sexuality, and she goes off on rants a lot about the various injustices of the world. When we first meet her, we learn that she got fired because she tweeted a joke calling out a Senator (who also was sexually involved with men) for sending his son to conversion therapy. 

Even in situations in which these shoes might not be considered the most appropriate thing to wear, Ava still wears them. She wears them to DJ’s birthday party while looking her most feminine we’ve ever seen her. She wears them to the interview with Deborah. She wears them at her dad’s funeral. Her Doc Martens represent the most authentic version of Ava and Ava is the most herself when she’s in Vegas and when she’s with Deborah.  

But, in this moment, in which she’s heading back to LA and lying to Deborah, she instead wears the Fenty Puma Creepers. 

These shoes were a collaboration between the Puma brand and pop musician, Rihanna. 

These shoes are perfectly nice. I don’t have a problem with them aesthetically...but they don’t seem very much like Ava, do they? The Doc Martens make a lot of sense because of their punk aesthetic, their versatility and for the fact that they’re vintage. 

The Creepers won best shoes of the year in 2016.

2016 was likely the year Ava first arrived in Los Angeles. 

I bet you anything that Ava just bought these because they were popular, associated with a mainstream pop musician and because that’s likely what everybody around her was wearing. She finally got out of Boston and she was determined not to be a loser anymore. She was going to keep up with whatever the cool kids are doing. 

But the thing is she left these shoes in LA. They clearly weren’t important enough for Ava to take them with her. 

But she chooses to wear them for the LA interview because Ava is choosing to conform in this moment. She’s back in the shallow world of LA where she was a self-centered asshole. She’s not acting like herself in this moment. She puts on a pleasant, obnoxious veneer for the writers. In contrast, in her first meeting with Deborah it’s only when she shows her angry, rebellious attitude (yes, entitled but still) does Deborah like her enough to hire her. 

During the LA interview, she realizes she can’t maintain this façade. She’s not willing to compromise her morals (standing against misogyny) and her relationship with Deborah. 

Hell, she even trips while wearing the Creepers. 

Ava isn’t that clumsy. She does a cartwheel and a split while wearing her Doc Martens. 

Ava’s Doc Martens are a like a second skin to her. She can move more freely in them than she can in the Creepers. 

All of this just reinforces what Deborah said to Ava: “There’s other people in the cafeteria and the sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be”. 

Ava is scared that if she doesn’t make it to the cool kids table then she’ll be worthless and she won’t have anyone, but Ava’s authentic self doesn’t fit well there. And she’s also ignoring the fact that weird subcultures would totally accept her if she just gave them a chance. 

To me, this just proves my point further that Ava is more herself when she’s in Las Vegas. She doesn’t belong in LA. She belongs in Vegas. 

Ava is different. She’s...a loser. Or perhaps a rebel or a nonconformist would be the better term? Either way, trendy or cool she is not. 

And honestly? I think the show is pointing to the fact that both Deborah and Ava are going to recreate their identities and they’ll both start living more nonconformist lives. 

Maybe like....doing vulnerable, honest comedy that speaks truth to power (especially against misogyny, homophobia and ageism) and then be in a long-term relationship with a woman they’re 4 decades in age apart from and then live their amazing lives with their queer family in Las Vegas? 

Just saying.