#you think he's gonna act different when it's THADDEUS ROSS

[iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid]

LOVE these results. it's true, bruce is a bit of a wildcard: he has a lot of chemistry with tony, he has a documented fear of the hulk and a lot of guilt over innocent people he killed in j-burg, but he has a much more pervasive fear of the hulk being used as a weapon by the government and especially by ross in particular. as people in the tags were happy to point out, the accords require DNA samples from anyone with with innate superpowers, and the last time ross had access to bruce's blood, harlem literally got smushed to rubble. not a great precedent! so like, i do imagine bruce would be a complicated entry into civil war. he might initially try and stick with tony, but he wouldn't sign the accords under any circumstances at all ever, so he might switch sides like nat did, or he'd just hop off the grid and become a fugitive again. hell, maybe he'd contientiously object and willingly get himself thrown on the raft. hard to say!

thor would have laughed in ross' face and personally flown steve to romania on the Mjolnir Express to find bucky, like. zero hesitation.

i've spoken at length about my opinions on this before, but i'm curious about the general consensus

[avengerscompound]

Moving On - Chapter 3

Moving On: A Falcon & Captain Marvel Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Sam Wilson x F!Reader, Carol Danvers x F! Reader

Word Count:  2003

Rating:  E

Warnings:  just a little canon complaint drama this chapter

Synopsis:  You thought Sam Wilson was the love of your life.  You had planned to do it all with him - marriage, kids, see the world.  Even when you’re life gets turned upside down, and you both end up international fugitives, he’s there by your side.

Then Thanos comes.

When Sam is one of the many turned to dust, leaving you alone and pregnant, you don’t think you’ll ever stop grieving.  Yet, everyone tells you that Sam would want you to move on and live your life - that he’d want you to be happy. Gradually you open your heart up to another.  Carol Danvers has lost people too.  First her daughter, then her wife.  As the two of you lean on each other, feelings grow and you move on together.

So what happens when Sam is returned to you?

Chapter 3: The Accords

When Sam had left on his mission to Lagos, you had been worried but not in a major way.  You had thought maybe he might come home bruised up or with a cracked rib.  The last thing you had expected was for a lapse in attention would allow Rumlow to detonate a block leveling amount of C-4, and that when Wanda had tried to contain it and it had taken out a floor of a building instead, she’d get the blame.

Still, while that was bad, it wasn’t something that you had thought would directly affect you.  It might mean there was some argument with governments about Wanda being in the custody of the Avengers and how training should be done to prevent things like that from happening again.  You were fairly sure the insurance policy the Avengers held for such things was going to be hit hard.  But for you and Sam - life and love and wedding plans wouldn’t have been affected.

And then Tony Stark had shown up with General Thaddeus Ross.

Ross had dropped a bomb into the compound and run.  Not a literal bomb, but one that had the potential to be just as damaging.  The Sokovia accords had been dropped off - a document stating that any enhanced individual would have to register themselves with their country's government and the UN and provide them with biometrics as a way to keep tabs on them.  Along with that, anyone working for facilities such as SHIELD, SWORD, or the Avengers as operatives, and any of these enhanced individuals were unable to act on matters of security without the go-ahead from their countries government or the UN.

While that didn’t change too much for you, according to the document, Sam’s wings counted as enhancements.  Steve Rogers and Wanda Maximoff were also both enhanced and would need to provide DNA to the government.   Wanda would be registered as a weapon of mass destruction.

It meant you and Sam had to decide what you wanted to do.  You knew there was no way Sam would sign.  He had already left the airforce, he wasn’t going back to working for the government again so soon.  Especially not with the added condition of registering humans with them.  You also knew he was unlikely to stop fighting - it just wasn’t in his nature.

Unfortunately, you didn’t have a chance to even talk about it before Sam was out the door again.

“Look,” Sam said as he got his best suit out of the closet.  “This is a big deal.  It kinda changes everything for us.  So maybe decide what you really want to do and what you’re okay with?  I mean… worst case scenario I could end up an international war criminal.”

“How likely is that though?”  You asked as you watched him zip the suit into a suit bag.

“I doubt it’s very likely but you gotta consider it, babe,” he said.  “I love you.  I want a life with you, but I don’t want you to end up resenting me because we end up on the run from the law together or something.”

“Right,” you said with a nod.  “You wouldn’t consider… I dunno… retiring?”

“Of course,” Sam said, moving on to the underwear drawer.  “And if these things go through and they make me sign, that’s what I’m gonna say I’m doing.  But you know me, I’m never gonna take some back seat when a big bad goes down.”

“No, I know,” you said.  “Me too.  You sure you don’t want me to come to this?”

Sam shook his head.  “This is Steve’s thing,” he said.  “I didn’t even know Peggy.  I’m gonna be there for him.  I’ll be back in a couple of days.  You think while I’m gone.”

“You know I’m just going to do whatever you do,” you said.  “Right?  I mean, the whole premise sounds a little -” you paused and rocked your hand back and forth “- the whole ‘registering people for being different’ thing?  And then to muzzle them and treat them as dangerous weapons.  It’s fucked up.  And besides.  You’re my man.  Where you go, I go.”

He smiled and came over and kissed your forehead.  “I’m your man, huh?”

“Mm-hmm… my fine man,” you hummed.

He laughed and touched the tip of your nose with his finger.  “Stop trying to distract me, woman.  I’ve got a funeral to go to.”

“Alright, alright,” you said, zipping up his bag.  “You’ll call me when you get there?”

He kissed your forehead again.  “Of course.”

You grabbed his t-shirt before he could pull away and dragged him down into a deep kiss.  He hummed softly and caressed your jaw, before pulling back and grabbing his bag.  “You think on it.  Okay?  No rash decisions.”

You agreed you would and watched him leave, not realizing how this was the point where everything would change.

You had been watching the news in your room when the word about the attack on the UN at the Vienna International Centre.  It hadn’t taken you long to realize if the number one suspect was James Barnes that Steve would be quick to take after him.  Sam had been on the trail of the infamous Winter Soldier since the day you’d met him, there was no way that Steve would let anyone else bring him in.

You also knew that if Steve went, Sam would likely go too.  Not because Sam was Steve’s shadow, but because they both had their moral compasses so inline that they ended up having the same thoughts at the same time.

Which would mean they were breaking international law and that unlikely scenario where they would become fugitives was a little more likely than you thought.

You needed to contact him, but you knew it was dangerous.  You sent him a text.  The two of you had gotten into the habit of sending large groups of emojis with little messages hidden inside.  Most of the time they were for no reason.  There would be a string of eggplants and peaches and then a random egg and milk carton to let the other person know you needed eggs and milk.  It was a habit that was built out of the paranoia you had drilled into you as a spy.  If something happened and you need to message each other covertly, seeing a string of random emojis would at a passing glance just look like the cute-coupley thing you both always did.  It wouldn’t withstand any deep probing, but it would be enough to let each other know that one of you was in trouble or to go grab the burner phone and run.

You texted Sam a string of hearts in kiss emojis with an American flag, a bird, a jogging emoji, and a snowflake mixed in.

He texted back a similar string with a thumbs up in the mix.

You replied with the more sexual emojis, eggplants, peaches, the droplets, the tongue, and among them was the girl with the hand raised in the air.

Sam replied with the same only instead of the girl was a thumbs down.

Yes, they were going after James Barnes.  No, he didn’t want you to come.

You didn’t hear from Sam again for two days.  Two days that only seemed to make matters worse.

Steve had indeed tracked down Barnes, but so had just about everyone else.  It ended with a car chase through the streets of Romania where Steve, Sam, Barnes, and weirdly the new king of Wakanda had been arrested by Rhodey of all people.

Sam called you when they had been taken back to Germany.

“I know you’re antsy, baby,” Sam said.  “But you need to stay put.  Right now they’ve confiscated my wings and Cap’s shield, but we think we’ll be let go.  We went after Barnes.  He’s captured.  That’s it.  Slap on the wrist, don’t do it again, type of bullshit.  Worse comes to worst… well, it’s not the first time they’ve tried taking my wings off me, is it?”

“Sam!”  You yelped.  “This line…”

“I’m joking!  I’m joking!”  Sam said, holding his hands up in front of the screen.  You knew he wasn’t.

“Anyway…” Sam continued.  “I think Tony’s trying to talk Steve into signing the accords.  I dunno if he will or not.  Maybe just to keep the peace.  But there’s no way I’m going to.”

“I want to be there with you,” you pouted.  “I could help.”

“It’ll just make things messy,” Sam said.  “Trust me.  You’re better off there.  It’s not like I can get in any more trouble now Barnes is captured.”

He was wrong.

The next you heard Barnes had broken out and Sam and Steve had taken after him.  You received a text not long after the news broke with a series of hearts and a cellphone emoji.

You went to your closet, grabbed the burner phone, and went out for a run.  You were just leaving the perimeter of the compound when the burner rang.

“Sam?”  You said, pressing the phone to your ear.

“Yeah, baby,” Sam said.  “It’s me.  Did you hear?”

“They’re saying you’re on the run with Barnes,” you said. “Please tell me you were just recapturing him.”

Sam laughed.  “That was the idea,” he said.  “This shit is going deep and we need help.  There’s this guy - wanted to get to Barnes to find out about some other Super Soldiers and where they’re kept.  So now we might have a bunch of really psychotic super soldiers being released on the world by someone even more psychotic than they are.”

“Where are you?  What do you need me to do?”  You asked.

“I’m tempted to tell you to stay put,” Sam said.

“Sam, I’m not…”

“No, I know,” he said.  “But think about it.  You do this - you come after me and we’re fugitives.  We can’t go home.  All this talk of weddings and babies?  It’s not happening.  It’ll be you and me on the run from everywhere.  Best we can hope for is one day when we’re both too old to run we settle in some country that doesn’t extradite.”

“I heard Montenegro didn’t sign,” you half-joke.  “It looks pretty nice there.”

Sam laughed.  “See I was thinking Cape Verde.”

You let out a breath and smiled a little.  “Always thinking, you are.”

“You know it, baby,” Sam said.  “Now, Clint’s coming…”

“What?  But his family?”  You yelped.

“I know… but like you, you can’t tell him no,” Sam said.  “He’s going to grab Wanda.  When you get back, go to her, but say nothing.  Just a little girl’s bonding time.  Okay?  I’m sure Vizh will be hanging around her.  He always is.  Don’t leave her side even if they do make it clear that you’re third-wheeling.”

“Should I pack?”  You asked.

“No,” Sam said quickly.  “I’m even a little worried you grabbing the burner might be too much of a giveaway to what’s going on.”

“I did it while I changed into my jogging gear,” you said.  “Nabbed it with my heart rate monitor.”

“Good.  Well hopefully that covered that gorgeous ass of yours,” he said.  “But aside from deciding you want to hang with Wanda you’re not doing anything strange, okay?  Clint will get there and you go.  Tony’s an asshole, but not that big of an asshole, I don’t think he’d burn our things, so we’re gonna have to trust that the compound will act as our storage until this is sorted out.  If it ever is.”

“Okay,” you said with a sigh.

“I love you,” Sam said softly.  “You take care of yourself.”

“You too, Sammy,” you said.  “Don’t do anything dumber than you already have until I get there and can join in.”

Sam laughed.  “You got it.  I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah.  See you.”

You disconnected the call and shoved it back behind your heart rate monitor and turned to run back to the compound.  You had a fight to prepare for.

//  NEXT

[dexi-green]

Okay so wrap up thoughts for ep. 4:

Where is Zemo? Do not let this man loose. Also bless marvel for releasing the longer cut of Zemo dancing earlier 🙏🏽

We love the Dora. However I wonder if the arm thing was a gag or if it’s going to come back. I could definitely see Buck having some questions and beginning to wonder whether they actually freed them or just put him under Wakanda’s control with a longer leash. He obviously has reason to be skeptical about people’s intention with him (see; how Zemo used him) I can definitely imagine them explaining that it was impossible to wipe out the WS controls but rather they just changed them and just never intended to use them, making him a sort of unintentional sleeper agent White Wolf for Wakanda. He is clearly very thankful and grateful to them, and is very close to the Dora, especially Ayo, so I could see that distrust being a good future character arc. But I stand by that with T’Challa in charge they would never seek to take advantage of Buck in that way. Also I was never a HUGE fan of Stan’s acting, I felt he got too hyped up for just brooding, like he was good but not Oscar worthy as some on here tried to say (you can just say you think he’s hot, you don’t have to lie about his acting to justify your adoration of him and watching his whole filmography, it’s okay I promise), but that scene at the beginning was actually amazing. I love the change between fear to relief and realization. Chef’s kiss.

As I mentioned several times, I love that this show is carefully exploring warring ideals, and actually saying them pretty plainly. It’s giving me what Civil War could’ve been. In Civil War there was just too many blatant misunderstandings and things that could’ve been cleared up if the Avenger’s didn’t share one (1) brain cell and it somehow ended up with Peter Parker who had homework to do. In this show, the ideals come from very understandable different perspectives, different lives lived. I know I want a conversation, but that alone won’t truly solve this like it would’ve in Civil War. It comes from very real criticism of our very real govt and society which I thinks helps cement this so much more in reality in a way that isn’t boring to watch like some other comic things that try to be gritty and realistic. The only part that has taken me out so far was the so very subtle cop scene in the second episode, which leads me into my next point

ISAIAH BRADLEY! Loop his story back in, let’s get some backstory and information and all that good stuff. Obviously Isaiah has made it pretty dang clear he wants nothing to do with any of this but obviously that’s not gonna happen, and it’ll be a tremendous waste of an absolute amazing and groundbreaking story to just bring Eli in at the end in some shoehorned way or something. Isaiah needs to be a part of whatever solution this story/season comes to. I’ve seen a theory floating around about either Isaiah being Wakandan (either like killmonger with one or both of his parents being from Wakanda, or more distantly) or perhaps Erskine’s secret ingredient for his serum was derived from the heart shaped herb (which would’ve made Cap White Panther 😬) which I think would be an interesting way to completely tie in Wakanda but perhaps a little unnecessary, specifically the first theory, we don’t need every future black person in the MCU to be secretly Wakandan. I just need his story to be more prominent then it has so far. It’s very important and not something that should just be a basically D grade side plot at this point.

I feel like we have shifted away from much focus on Sam. But I feel like the focus has pulled more on Zemo, Karli, Walker and Buck. Like Sam is doing what he needs but we aren’t getting as much insight into him as we did in the first episode. Which is why I think I liked his talk so much with Karli. We went back to his history of counseling and got to see how it uses it, how he calms down a situation, and his own insight into Karli’s ideals, he agrees but wants to go about it in a different way. We have constantly seen him offering help to others, but hasn’t really received much in return. I feel like now every time the shield comes up it’s just Bucky being all pissy that Sam gave it away which really turns me off his character. Sam already explained that maybe he made a mistake, but also Buck is so set in his way and his ideation of Steve that he can’t for a second consider Sam’s side. Like at this point it’s getting kind of annoying how Buck is being with Sam about it. I want more insight into Sam’s feelings about Steve, and Cap, and all that. Hopefully these last couple episodes with shift the focus back. At this point I feel I know more about Karli and John as people than I do Sam and that’s not great considering the title of the show. This was one of my earliest concerns for the series when it was announced, that it was going to focus too much on Bucky who has had his story almost front and center for almost all of the Cap films, they almost all in some part revolve around Bucky. Perhaps I need to rewatch and there has been some bits of Sam’s I haven’t appreciated enough, but it feels unbalanced, not in favor of him.

Sharon is being sketchy I fear. I do kind of like the idea that she is the power broker, but it’s hard to wrap my head around her threatening Karli like she has been. I mean she obviously has changed a lot, but if she is the power broker her motives have to be something different than what she is trying to lead people to believe. I think what’s more possible is her working for the power broker or perhaps working for/as the power broker as a cover for Fury or some other person/organization. She’s worked undercover for Fury before, she is obviously loyal to him, which might’ve changed since she talks to much about being abandoned by everyone, but I don’t know. It’s obvious something else is going on with her character, and while I love if she had just pivoted to this crime lord role, I just think of her speech at Peggy’s funeral and her loyalty to Cap and Fury in TWS. It’s possible she flipped on a dime like that because everything done to her and what she’s been through, and it may be too predictable for her to have the exact same storyline as TWS but who knows... that or she’s a skrull, always a possibility, can’t be too careful.

John Walker is clearly becoming the actual Anti-Cap. They are getting storybeats to line up. A ‘good’ soldier, turned propaganda tool, turned govt lap dog, serumed up, best friend dies, then what? Switched on by society? I love the moment with him and the flag smasher. It brought me back to when I was in the theater watching Civil War and I swore Steve was going to chop Tony’s head off with the shield. Steve just smashes the arc reactor of course, but John straight up murders this guy. And people are watching, the world is, people were recording. Definitely some purposeful similarities to our very real recording of police brutality irl. Which makes me think what will the govt response be? Will they spin it and try to get him out of this (which will feel really...weird? With the trial going on rn) or maybe will they abandon him completely and leave him high and dry? Hopefully we will see whoever the current MCU president is (prolly maybe Thaddeus Ross??) speak on it as well as the flag smashers and GRC. Walker is obviously not a good person at heart. I theorized before that he had already been given the serum, which clearly isn’t true so he has just taken it but there is something about his background that needs to be revealed. It has to be more than just “‘we did bad stuff while we were deployed” like... yeah it has a profound and damaging effect on people, but I feel like when he was talking to Hoskins it felt like they were remembering what went down slightly differently. I don’t know why, I’ll have to rewatch the scene. Either way, I think there is some stuff we still don’t know about Walker, something so terrible about him that made the serum change him like that. He was already clearly on edge, feeling insecure about people not giving him the respect he thought he deserved just from putting on the suit and carrying the shield, feeling that same imposter syndrome Sam did/does, and his pride was clearly DECIMATED by the Dora. He has this seeming obsession with super soldiers... he’s just giving weirdo vibes.

One thing I noted is that I think this series is taking apart Steve/Cap and spreading him out over several different people, and having them all pick at and dissect what makes/made Captain America the symbol he was, and what happens when you dig a little deeper. Karli seems to be the embodiment of the kindness/concern for others. She is fighting for the people, to protect them, as Cap was. But she is not holding back and is willing to put everything on the line, but where Cap was putting himself in the line of fire to protect people, Karli is putting others. Buck may be the classic idealism and Steve himself, I’m not 100 sure, but he seems to embody the kind of idea that people need something to put hope in, something to lean on, the idea of true good. He always brings up what the shield means and represents, doesn’t ever actually get specific though which is interesting. This may be because Bucky has a hard time separating Steve from Cap, since he saw the two grow up, when he talks about the shield and Cap he IS talking about Steve, there is no symbol or hidden meaning, just the Steve he knew. He conflates it all together. So I guess he represents whether or not the classic ideals can survive, the idea of hope, and Young Steve. Sam I think could be change. Where change is unwavering, like Cap’s fight for freedom never changed, but also where it is inevitable, in Steve and Cap’s place in a time that isn’t their own. How the idea of Captain America needs to be updated for modern times, or whether it should be thrown out altogether. I don’t know this is all ramblings. I though I had something but it’s almost 5am 😩

I believe we have 2 more episodes left so it’ll being interesting to see what they do with it. Fingers crossed 🤞

[orderoftheavengers]

A Game of Idiot Balls

Summary: Steve Rogers and Tony Stark decide to settle their differences once and for all  with an epic, illegal Quidditch match.  But a sinister Durmstrang student spikes everyone’s food and drinks with fire-whiskey  and hobbit weed, and hexed all of the Quidditch balls, turning them into literal “idiot balls,” causing all the Avengers to think, speak and act wildly out of character.   

TEAM STARK: Captain: Tony Stark

Beaters: Tony Stark, James Rhodes  

Chasers: Natasha Romanoff, T'Challa, Vision

Keeper: Friday

Seeker: Peter Parker  

TEAM ROGERS: Captain: Steve Rogers

Beaters: Steve Rogers, Clint Barton (using arrow-spells to deflect balls)

Chasers: Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, Scott Lang

Keeper: Charon Carter

Seeker: Bucky Barnes

A Tragic Accident

The “civil war” that destroys the Order of the Avengers begins with a disagreement and a badly-aimed fireball.

It’s a deceptively sunny day in October, and students are milling about on the grass, after studies.

“You’re not the guy to make the tough call!” Steve Rogers challenges. “To lie down on the burning coals and let the other guy walk over you!”

“Rogers, it’s wizard’s chess. We’re supposed to sacrifice our pawns to violent deaths for our own agendas. Oh would you look at that, guess my knight and your bishop have chosen to make love instead of war.”

“Stark, I’ve warned you about enchanting my stuff with your perverted humor!” Steve fumes.

He’s still angry at Tony Stark for adding rude speech throughout his sketchbook. Being wizard pictures, the sketches actually say them out loud. From Steve’s schoolbag, one can hear a muffled voice recite, “There once was an elf from Nantucket, who saved all his farts in a bucket. He could get laid with any elf maid, so he lubed up his hand and said—” Steve hastily shuts his bag.

Tony makes a rude retort about Steve’s (lack of) dating life, and things escalate. Soon they have their wands out, and have drawn a crowd.

“Honestly,” Rose Weasley says loudly, “why can’t the Americans teach their children how to wager?”

When the boys expressed their confusion, Rose explains: “Here in the civilized world, when two gentlemen have a disagreement, they solve it with finances, not fists. Make a bet on something, if you’re so eager for competition!”

Scratching his goatee with his wand, Tony ponders, “Okay…What should we bet on?”

Suggestions start coming from the students around them, each stupider than the last.

“Which Quibbler articles are true!” suggests Lysander Scamander, son of Luna Lovegood.

Loki lifts his broom-wand threateningly. “How about whether or not I’ll have ‘performance issues’ this time, Stark?”

A mandrake classmate in Hufflepuff finally suggests, “I am Groot!”

“Don’t be stupid Groot,” says Rocket (a raccoon/niffler hybrid, in Slytherin). “You can’t light a fart on fire, even with magic.”

“I am Groot.”

“Huh? No way, you have not done it before.”

“I am Groot! I am Groot, I am Groot.”

“Fine, go ahead and show us.” Rocket folds his furry arms.

Peter Quill’s eyes flare. “Groot wait—!”

With a flick of his wand, and a mutter of “I am Groot” (which his wand can translate as “Incendio”), the mandrake’s bum lights up. Groot enjoys a moment’s giggle, before the poor plant realizes his entire body is now aflame.

“I AM GROOT!” he is running around the castle, on fire. “I AM GROOOOT! I AM GROOT! I AM GROOOOOOOOT!”

“The fire’s gonna spread!” Steve gasps, pointing at some flames that have already left the mandrake to spread through the grass.

Thinking quickly, Ravenclaw Wanda Maximoff uses her wandless-magic to create a bubble, trapping the flaming Groot in a contained fireball. She carefully lifts the screaming, flaming tree up and away from the crowd… until her hand slips, sending Groot and his fireball into the Gryffindor tower, obliterating it.

Luckily no humans are killed, but a many hours of homework and a couple of pets are lost.

A mustached house-elf with glasses, irritated by the mess he must now clean up, yells down from the tower, “Don’t make me come down there, you punks!” The Potter Accords The incident inspires the Ministry of Magic to take action, in the form of the Potter Accords.

This controversial new document puts heavy restrictions on the way teen wizards and witches are allowed to go about solving mysteries and saving the school from evil.  

Quidditch now has safety rules; deadly creatures larger than three meters are now required to sleep outside the castle; heroes under the age of 15 will need signed permission slips to solve deadly mysteries or fight dark wizards; the moving staircases are now required to have railings; and applicants for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor must now pass background checks.

Tony, having recently been guilted by a Durmstrang student who lost her owl to Ultron, and has been dumped by Pepper for being “too out of control,” is desperate for a chance to alleviate himself from of some of the guilt he’s been building up over the years. So he voices his support for the Potter Accords.

Steve on the other hand fears the Accords might contain an agenda, and he hates agendas. He joined the army to fight agendas. He refuses to sign.

Duty-bound Gryffindor Jams Rhodes argues with gut-following Hufflepuff Sam Wilson over the issue. Vision begins a logical argument in favor of the Accords, and ends up on a tangent about all of the plot holes in “Harry Potter.” This in turn leads to a lengthy debate on how responsible of a headmaster Dumbledore really was, which circles back to the Accords. The Avengers are beginning to break apart.

Long Live the King

This Halloween, Hogwarts hosts a special banquet for the adults deciding on the Potter Accords. Nicodemus Fury is unable to attend, busy battling some basilisks on a Muggle airplane . But many parents and guardians are present, including King Odin; Peter Parker’s Muggle Aunt May; and King T’Chaka, whose son T’Challa is attending Hogwarts this year as an exchange student.

T’Chaka is giving a toast to a peaceful semester, when suddenly, one of the decorative floating Jack-O-lanterns shrieks, “LONG LIVE THE DARK LORD!” and explodes in a fireball.  Among the casualties are the drummer for the Weird Sisters; another Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher; and King T’Chaka.

Evidence points to one Hufflepuff vampire student named Bucky Barnes.

“Evidence” here meaning, “a fuzzy wizarding photo, of such poor quality that you can barely even make out the middle finger the blurry figure is waving at the camera.” Vice-Headmaster, and Head of Gryffindor House, Thaddeus Ross, and three of his underlings, have personally asked the wizard-photo who he was, and the blurred photo assured them: “I’m Buck Rogers and I bombed Hogwash! I mean Hoggle-wart! Whatever it’s called. I’m that vampire guy who’s friends with that hot Yank with the blue-green eyes. I’m not an embittered Durmstrang kid trying to f*ck with you all, I’m Bucky Barnacle, also known as the Winter Solstice, and my prank-pumpkin killed the king of Anaconda! I’m dangerous hooligan that needs to be corrected! And to those mourning, I highly recommend the pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs. They’re sure to clear your heads.” The experts, having already overdosed on the unusually addictive pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs, express surprise at the Winter Soldier’s Eastern European accent, which Bucky had never displayed before. Nevertheless, the Dementors float over to the Hufflepuff table and snatch up the young vampire, just as he is reaching for the bowl of plums. Poor Bucky is swiftly muzzled and chained to a kinky iron chair, and magically transported up to the Third Floor for his detention, while his fangirls around the castle look on. The Idiot Balls Snowball… Bucky professes his innocence, but is assigned detention for a “careless and dangerous prank that cost lives.” His detention is supposed to involve working on homework with a tutor—a Ravenclaw nerd no one had seen before. The Ravenclaw turns out to be an invading Durmstrang student named Helmut Zemo, cleverly disguised with a pair of glasses. Zemo Imperius-Curses Bucky into going on a vampire rampage throughout the school. Steve finally punches Bucky back to his senses in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, where Sam catches up to them. The trio quickly deduce that Zemo is behind everything. In any other installment of this series, they would rush to communicate the situation to the other Avengers. But instead…. "We can’t trust Tony.” Sam declares. “Huh?” Steve stares at his friend. “Where did that come from? Have you ever even said two words to Tony?” “He won’t believe us.” Sam presses. Steve just gapes at Sam. “…Tony…whose own mentor betrayed him, won’t believe that the suspicious nerd we all just met is a bad guy? Tony, who witnessed Clint and Erik mind-controlled by Loki, won’t believe that Bucky was mind-controlled?” “Even if he does believe us,” Sam continues dramatically, “The Accords might not let him do anything.” “Let him?” Steve laughed. “Okay, I know Tony’s in a ‘follow the rules’ mood at the moment, but do you seriously think Tony Stark would let that stop him from helping us in this situation? Tony, who carried a NUKE for the whole planet and almost died to save all our asses? What’s gotten into you, Sam?” “It doesn’t matter,” Sam says distantly. “For I am you, and you are me, is he as she as we can be.” The spiked food and drink suddenly hit Steve too, and his eyes widen in understanding. “If everybody is nobody, than nobody can be anybody!” Bucky finishes, “I am the walrus!…Geddit? Cuz I’m a vampire, and I has fangs… okee-day I’ll shuddup now.” Steve proceeds to barely ever mention the crucial issues at hand to Tony and the others.  Who in turn, never once bother to ask what the heck is going on. Instead, both sides focused their arguments on the Potter Accords, and stumble forth through their “civil war” like idiots. Pointless, drunken arguing eventually leads Tony and Steve to finally agreeing on a wager: whether or not Tony can find a better Quidditch Seeker than Bucky Barnes.  Tony sets out to find that Seeker, and both boys start recruiting for their Teams… Picking Teams: Before teams can be arranged, Thor and Bruce Banner are given a detention by the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (yes, they got another one that fast).  This completely pulls them out of the action, unable to participate in the “Civil War” Quidditch match. Tony and Steve agree that the two teams need and equal number of players, as well as one token female Avenger and at one token Black Avenger, each. Falcon laughs, “Imagine if this hadn’t been a planned sport, and had just randomly worked out that way!” Rhodey chuckles, “You’d be more likely to stumble on a recording of one of the Winter Sorcerer’s top-secret missions!” A knut is tossed to determine who gets Natasha, and Tony wins, putting Wanda on Steve’s team, despite her currently sharing Tony’s motivations. But after so much spiked pumpkin juice and butterbeer, almost none of the Avengers are thinking very hard about logical motivations anymore. “Rescuing” Wanda: Already tickled pink (scarlet?) not to be in Azkaban for her past crimes, Wanda is relieved that her only punishment for obliterating that Gryffindor tower is a normal detention in her own Commonroom, under her House Prefect and boyfriend Vision. They decide to study for Home Mag. class, baking pumpkin cake using levitation. A bespeckled, mustached house elf named Stanley delivers the ingredients. Unbeknowenced to Vision and Wanda, but knowneced to the audience, this “house elf” is in fact villain Helmut Zemo, disguised with the Polyjuice potion. The cake mix he gives them is laced with Hobbit Weed from the Shire, and the butterbeer is spiked with Firewhisky from Rosmertta’s. Later on, Hawkeye—already suffering the effects of Zemo’s spiked refreshments—leaps down from the vents into the middle of the Ravenclaw commonroom. “A little tall for a house elf?” Wanda snarks, as Clint brushes dirt and rubble off of his robes.   “My name’s Clint Barton, I’m here to rescue you!” Clint says theatrically. Wanda shakes her head in confusion. “Rescue me from what? Baking cake in a luxurious common room with my boyfriend? It’s a bloody miracle I wasn’t in Azkaban even before all this!” She takes an angry bite of the freshly baked pumpkin cake. “And really Clint, I’m kind of appalled that you of all people—the family man, who taught me responsibility and all that—are trying to get me to break out and go criminal, much less now of all…of all……” Her voice becomes distant and dramatic, as the drugs in the cake begin to take hold. “…of all the commonrooms in all the castles in all the world…he walks into mine.” Vision watches in bafflement as Wanda abruptly switches from sensibility to…whatever the hell had gotten into Clint. “Wanda,” Vision warns, “If you do this, they will never stop fearing you.” “I can’t control their fear, only my own.” “I….I think that just may be the stupidest response to a call for responsibility I have ever heard in my short life,” Vision replies. “Though that is kind of a nice inspirational quote, out of context. Maybe hold onto that line and save it for a more appropriate sce—” “STUPIFY!” Wanda cries with a flick of her hands. Her wandless spell sends poor Vision flying through the stone floors of Hogwarts, down to Moaning Myrtle’s toilet, where he is flushed into the lake and swallowed by the Giant Squid. Wanda follows Clint to the Quidditch field, where the Avengers prepare for the most epic, illegal, drunken Quidditch match ever. Pressuring Peter Parker Meanwhile, Tony is doing some “recruiting” of his own. First-year Peter Parker enters the Ravenclaw commonroom to see a big scary seventh-year with an evil looking goatee flirting shamelessly with Aunt May, on one of the long, blue, eagle-footed sofas. The adult Muggle woman laughingly dismisses the high schooler’s dirty flattery, with comments about not wanting to end up in prison or on “Opra.” Wow, Peter thinks, this kid’s got some balls. The only person in all of Hogwarts stupid enough to try hitting on an adult Muggle would have to be—

“Oh my god,” Peter gasps. “You’re Tony f*cking–!” “Ha! I wish.” Tony says jovially, while Aunt May makes a dismissive Oh you, gesture. “Peter!” Aunt May smiles over couch. “You didn’t tell me Tony Stark was tutoring you!” “I was just telling her about that essay for Medieval Troll Literature I proofread for you,” says Tony, while making a subtle face.   Playing along, Peter stammers, “Um, yeah, those Trolls are always really big on spelling and grammar.”

Tony and Peter go up to the latter’s dorm, supposedly to look at Peter’s “troll essay.”   Once they’re alone, Tony whips out a Wizard Card. “Question of the rhetorical variety…. that’s you, innit?” On the card is a moving picture of Peter, done up in his spider cloak and hood, kicking ass. Below is a short description of the mysterious “Spider Wizard,” and his various talents, which include “flying tricks that make Harry Potter look like a tool.” After some adorkable quivering, Tony finally gets the truth from Peter. “So why do you do it?” Tony asks. “What makes you willing to undertake all the crap Harry Potter did, with none of the sidekicks and helpful mentors and direct recognition he had?” Peter stammers, “Well, when you can do the things that I can do…and then you don’t…and then the bad things happen….it’s your fault…” Tony frowns. “Why do you sound so awkward? Do I intimidate you?” “No. It’s just…. there’s a specific sentence that explains, exactly, why I’m the Spider Wizard. But whenever I try to say it I…. I can’t. It’s basically along the lines of me having these huge advantages, and needing to use them.” “You mean like, 'With great powder comes great redundability?’” Tony blinks and shakes his head. “Wow, tongue-tied! What I meant was, with great Shamwow comes great resale ability–” he pauses again, baffled by his own misbehaving mouth. “See? You can’t say it either! It’s like there’s some kind of magical block on that specific sentence, so no one can ever say it!” Tony strokes his goatee thoughtfully. “Seems like a Copyright jinx…Bastards. Anyway,” Tony lifts his wand, “Accio Upgrade!” Several shattered windows, five toppled book shelves, two unconscious first-years and one screeching cat later, Peter is geeking out over his shinny new broom and magical cloak, with special enchantments to keep his identity and body protected. The Slytherin sixth year then blackmails the little Ravenclaw into joining him in an illegal Quidditch match that afternoon. “But aren’t first years banned from playing Quidditch unless they’re Harry Potter?” Peter asks as they fly towards the Quidditch pitch. “I dunno, maybe.” “Could you like, go to prison for making me do this?” “Possibly.” “Cool! We’re outlaws!” “Er…. yeah… the law… the thing I was fighting the Cap about….erm……….. So! Ready to prove you’re a better Seeker than Barnes & Noble?” “Yes sir!” the first year says eagerly. Black Panther Newly crowned King T’Challa believes Bucky killed his father, and vows revenge. When Steve and Tony approach him in the Courtyard, T’Challa agrees to the match and joins Team Stark, purely so he can avenge his father.

“The Black Panther has been the protector of Wakanda for generations. A mantle, passed from warrior to warrior. And now, because that little sh*t incinerated my father, I also wear the mantle of king. So, I ask you Rogers… as wizard, warrior and king… how long do you think you can keep your blood-sucking little Emo safe from me?” Steve can only stare blankly, not so much out of fear for Bucky, as horror over seeing another Gryffindor stealing his gag of dramatic speeches…and doing it infinitely better.

Tony points out, “Well I’ll have to ask you to wait until after Parker catches the Snitch to kill Barnes—”

“I will not kill the vampire,” T'Challa swears solemnly. “I will put the wooden stake of my broom through his undead heart, as I tear his head from his shoulders using only my Vibranium jaws, painting the land crimson in a symphony of vengeance and justice for my father, my kingdom, and centuries of colonization.”

By now even the giant squid is staring silently, as is Vision, who is dripping wet and dangling from one tentacle by his ankle. Tony adjusts his purple shades. “So that’s a yes? Sounds good. We meet at the Quidditch pitch right after dinner.” A Sinister Enchantment By they time they reach the Quidditch pitch, everyone has had a taste of stupidity. Before supper, Zemo secretly poured Firewhiskey into the pitchers of pumpkin juice and all the bottles of butterbeer, and fed Hobbit Hemp to all of the chocolate frogs. But it’s about to get much, much worse. Because Zemo has also put jinxes on all of the Quidditch balls, turning them into literal “idiot balls.” A different jinx is cast on each ball. On the Quaffle, Zemo casts Dramatis Personae, a sinister spell that causes anyone within three miles of the ball to speak and act overly dramatic manner, at the cost of common sense. On one Bludger he casts Sequelitis, which exaggerates the victim’s personality traits to idiotic proportions, and on the other Prequelitis, which makes people say and do things that contradict common knowledge about their own history. And on the Golden Snitch, he cast the most insidious curse of all: Fratres Russo, the spell that erases the victim’s human empathy, for the sake of all of the above-mentioned spells’ ends. Resuming his house-elf disguise, Zemo lurks below the bleachers to watch his work unfold. Let’s Get Ready to Rumble! The Quidditch bleachers are filled with blazed classmates, and even a few professors. (You can bet the Grand Master found a way to attend both this and his other blood-sport at the same time, with the help of a Time Turner.) Throughout the game, the teams’ supporters blast muggle music from the stands: Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man,” and the theme to “Team America, World Police,” attempting to drown each other out.   Before the game begins, Tony flies out into the middle of the field on his “iron broom,” and announces: “Before we do this, let’s go over the ground rules.”

Everyone listens intently, except Steve Rogers and Charon Carter, who are kissing drunkenly.

“Rule Number One!” Tony bellows sternly. “There will be no touching of the hair or face…”

Steve chimes in, “And that’s it! Now lets do this!”

With this being the only rule, T’Challa sees no reason not to take on his Animagus form, and leaps from his broom at Bucky Barnes, while the vampire races Parker to the Snitch.

“You’re a vampire with a robot arm?” Peter exclaims at Bucky. “That is awesome dude!”

“It’s not robotic, it’s enchanted armorAAAAAAA!” Dodging vibranium claws, the little vampire shrieks under his rock-star hair, “FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN’S MAGICAL BALLSACK, I DIDN’T KILL YOUR FATHER!” “Then why did you run?!” the panther demands in a growling voice, taking another swipe. “BECAUSE A GIANT PANTHER, HORNY TEENAGE GIRLS AND A LITERAL ARMY ARE TRYING TO TEAR ME LIMB FROM LIMB! WHAT THE F*CK KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!” Bucky dodges the cat once more, and yells hoarsely to the universe, “All I wanted this morning were some f*cking plums!” Meanwhile, Friday and Charon Carter both give up on their jobs as Keepers, since on the rare occasion that a ball of any kind actually comes anywhere near the hoops, it is often not even the Quaffle. As tensions and blood-alcohol levels continue to rise, so does the anger and the violence. “God Tony, I can’t believe you pressured a kid into fighting your dangerous war!” Steve Rogers accuses, as he hurls a massive thestral-carriage onto Peter Parker.

The “Spider-Wizard” catches the carriage in both hands, losing the Snitch, and tosses the vehicle into the bleachers, where it crushes Galaga Guy.

Tony yells back to Steve, “At least I’m not snogging my ex-girlfriend’s niece, perv!” “No,” Steve counters, “just your surrogate little brother’s aunt. Freak.” “He’s got you there!” a tiny voice bellows from the bristles of Tony’s broom. “Who are you?” Tony searches for the speaker. “Your sex life,” Scott Lang, in ant-nimagus form, replies. “We don’t talk much anymore.” During the action, Vision accidentally hits Rhodey with a curse that transforms him into a merman. Unless this curse is reversed, Rhodey will never walk again. Tony is coming closer and closer to his breaking point… Steve is headed for Team Stark’s hoops with the Quaffle (forgetting that he’s supposed to be a Beater right now, and not a Chaser). Black Widow soars over on her broom and stops in front of him. The Quaffle that Steve holds is still enchanted with Dramatis Personae.

“You’re not gonna stop, are you,” Nat breaths dramatically, as the Quaffle’s jinx radiates at her. “Power to the people,” Steve replies with an intense stare. “Gondor has no pants, Gondor needs no pants.” In the most cliched way she can muster, Nat sighs, “I’m gonna regret this…” She takes out her wand, and transforms her own team’s Keeper, Friday the snake, into an orange basalisk, now much too heavy for the tiny broom Tony built her. As the goalie plummets to the ground and Steve scores, Tony hollers at Natasha, “What the hell was that? Is the double-agent thing just hard to shake?” Nat glares at him. “Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one minute?” Tony bobs in the air on his broom, baffled. “Okay, I’m not denying I have an ego the size of Jupiter, but what the hell does that have to do with anything right now?” Breathing deeply, Nat retorts over dramatically folded arms, “I’m not the one who needs to watch my back.” “…what?” Nat shrugs. “I dunno, I’m stoned.” She pulls a chocolate frog out of her robe and offers it to Tony. “Pot-frog?” “What in the hell are you—Ooo, don’t mind if I do, thanks!” Tony lets the stoned frog leap into the air and twirls on his broom underneath, catching it in his mouth. Later on, no one can clearly remember how the game really ended. The one thing everyone can agree probably wasn’t a hallucination was Scott Lang, in his “ant-nimagus” form, taking someone’s “Engorgio!” charm, and growing from a regular ant to a “Them!” ant. Peter Parker then recalled the muggle film “Empire Strikes Back,” and used his own Animagus powers to web Scott’s six legs together, just as the latter was reenacting a Monty Python skit with one of the Quidditch stands. (Said skit being the one with the giant Siamese cat.) Peter then snagged the Snitch, and Tony’s team won. Peter, still holding the Snitch, is now doing a little dance.

Under the conditions of Steve and Tony’s bet, the losing would team take the blame for the illegal Quidditch game, should any teachers ask. Vice-Headmaster Thaddeus Ross did ask, and assigned all of Team Cap a detention of a sadistic sort.

“For the next month,” Thaddeus says sadistically, “You’ll all be imprisoned in the Giant Squid, at the bottom of the lake!”

Steve opens his mouth to protest. Just at that moment, Peter Parker, still dancing on his broom, enthusiastically throws the Snitch behind him. The tiny golden ball goes flying right into Steve’s opened mouth, knocking him backwards into Bucky. Both tumble off of their brooms, and plummet below the bleachers. How Not to Handle Your Teammate Seeing His Parents Killed By Someone Standing Right Next To Him, And In the Same Instance Learning His Comrade Also Standing Next to Him—You—Knew All Along By sundown, everyone within a thousand-mile radius of Hogwarts is roaring drunk, and higher than a hippogriff. The Avengers have just spent several hours handling those jinxed Idiot Balls. But the worst victim of the Idiot Balls was Steve Rogers, who has accidently swallowed one. The worst one—the Golden Snitch. After speaking with Sam in the Squid-Detention, Tony finally realizes that Zemo is the bad guy. He bids his Quidditch opponents goodbye, as the Squid coughs him back up onto dry land. Whipping Squid slime off his robes, Tony mounts his broom, and goes to find Steve and Bucky. Steve and Bucky are chasing a chocolate frog, that tells them it knows where Zemo is. It leads them to the Forbidden Forest. As the sun sets, the frog takes them further and further into the Forest, finally stopping at a glowing stone basin. Tony catches up on his broom, and starts to apologize to them. But suddenly, his broom gives a strong jerk, throwing Tony head-first into the Pensieve. The Peniseve contains one of Bucky’s own missing memories, from his time as the Winter Sorcerer. This is how Tony learns that his parents did not die by accidently aparating into a werewolf’s den, as the Daily Prophet had reported. They had apparated safely to their vacation destination, only to be greeted by one of Howard Stark’s old friends, now a vampire that seemingly didn’t recognize him. When the Pensieve dumps Tony back into reality, he understandably snaps. And yet, Tony never takes any of the ample chances he has to blast Bucky’s or Steve’s heads off, instead going for throttling and blasting metal arms off. It’s almost as if he’s simply having a human reaction to something traumatic, rather than genuinely trying to murder anyone. But Steve is still being influenced by the golden idiot ball he swallowed.  After mentioning Bucky’s mind-control situation once (in a bored voice), Steve never brings the issue up again. Instead, he spends the rest of the fight bellowing corny lines at Tony, like, “This won’t change what happened,” and “I could do this all day!” The enchantment on the Snitch he ate now has Steve viewing Tony as another generic villain, in need of generic heroic lectures, instead of a comrade who’s just watched his parents get killed by someone standing right next to him (and in the same instance learned the other guy standing next to him knew for ages and kept it from him). “Steve, seriously!” Bucky yells, as Tony blasts off his metal arm, “If you’re not gonna mention my mind-control to him, then just stop talking!”

Ignoring him, Steve heroically holds up his fists and bellows to Tony, “I could do this all day!” “You already said that!” Tony snaps, aiming his wand for another blow. Steve retorts, “Down with the Empire! Remember Alderaan!” and punches Tony repeatedly in the head….in the exact same manner Tony has just watched Bucky kill his father with in the Pensieve.

Shockingly, Tony remains pissed. With a finally corny cry of, “Gondor lives!” Steve breaks Tony’s his wand in half with his shield, ending the fight. Which, in total, lasted about twenty minutes, if that. About the amount of time one might expect a blind rage from someone in Tony’s position to last. Tony then shouts his famous, “That shield doesn’t belong to you!” line. At this point, a sober Steve Rogers would come out of his rage and realized that Tony was now incapacitated, visibly cooling down, and still conscious, and that this was the opportune moment to apologize, remind Tony of Bucky’s mind-control, and get everyone back on track against Zemo. But that Golden Snitch, oozing with the Russo curse, still flutters around Steve’s innards. So instead, Steve dramatically! drops the shield, and heads off into the Forest with Bucky. To Steve’s credit, his Gryffindor chivlary prevailed when he dropped the shield he was “unworthy” of; his common sense and empathy just… didn’t. A Royal Hairball T'Challa is perhaps the only individual who clearly remembers leaving the Quidditch field that day.

Near the end of the game, he had Bucky in his claws. The Animagus opened his panther jaws to begin another epic speech of revenge. But instead of powerful words, out of the panther’s mouth came pained, wheezing gags. Bucky just stared emo-ly under his rock star hair. T’Challa motioned with a paw that he had to excuse himself from the game. The panther leapt from broom to broom until he reached the bleachers, then rushed underneath them to cough up a violent hairball.  Up with the hairball came most of the Firewhisky and Hobbitus Cannibus that he had been unknowingly ingesting all day. His head now clear, T'Challa has been reflecting on the day’s events. He recalls that when the suicide-pumpkin detonated, Bucky Barnes was sitting next to him, snogging Steve. And now that he thinks about it, Barnes doesn’t seem have any trace of a European accent. Could it be that the man evil enough to murder his father might also be evil enough to lie about his identity? Still in panther form, T'Challa begins sniffing for clues… T’Challa finds his way to the Forbidden Forest, where he sees Steve, Bucky and Tony fighting, and Zemo cackling from behind a bush. The panther catches the culprit, and gets the truth from him at claw-point. Helmut Zemo is an embittered and eccentric Durmstrang student, who blames the Order of the Avengers for the deaths of his imaginary wife Gwendolyn, and their three imaginary children, Huey, Dewy and Damocles. Vowing revenge, Zemo set out to destroy the Avengers from within. T'Challa’s Gryffindor chivalry now comes to light, and he realizes, “You have let revenge consume you. It has consumed them. I’m finished letting it consume me.”

T’Challa, still in panther form, drags Zemo back to Hogwarts like a dead mouse, and delivers him to the Dementors. T’Challa later apologizes to Bucky, and offers the vampire amnesty in the secret wizarding nation of Wakanda. Prison Break! Soon after the fight with Tony, Steve belches back up the Golden Snitch. As his head clears, Steve realizes how stupid he’s been. But Tony’s already gone. Steve focuses on the comrades who need his help right now. Sam, Clint, Wanda and Scott are still serving detention inside the Giant Squid’s stomach. Coughing up the Snitch has given Steve an idea.

Steve returns to the lake, and with raised fists, yells and the Squid to come face him like a man. The Giant Squid obliges. Steve then drops his dukes and whips out his wand.

“Accio Nausea Fuel!” A Muggle television set comes soaring forth in from who-knows-where. Playing on the TV is a movie, incidentally staring a relative of Zemo’s: “The Human Centipede.” The Squid is soon puking Steve’s teammates back up, one by one. When Thudnerbolt Ross contacts Tony about the jail-break via the Floo Network, Tony “accidentally” dumps the contents of his snakes’ litter boxes into the fireplace, “missing” the call. How Not to Apologize: Steve then writes an apology letter to Tony, or tries to. Unfortunately, Steve is still half-drunk when he pens and mails the letter, and still suffering some residual effects of the Idiot Balls, particularly Dramatis Personae and Fratres Russo. As a result, Tony ends up reading an embarrassing vanity project about Steve’s life and philosophical musings, spattered with lazy and cliched justifications. Tony finds it particularly ironic that Steve dodges giving him an honest explanation for keeping the information about his parents from him, in the letter where he is “apologizing,” specifically, for keeping information from Tony. Not long after, no one is surprised to see Tony Stark strolling out of the girl’s bathroom, whistling over the sound of a flushing toilet and an angry Moaning. But people are a bit confused when Tony throws up his hands and says, “Great, now I got ink all over my butt!” Separate Ways: Everyone on Team Cap is expelled from Hogwarts, as is Natasha, who violated school dress code one too many times.  Hawkeye and Scott Lang finish their education from home through owl correspondence courses. Charon Carter returns home to America. The rest join Steve Rogers in forming an independent study group in Hogsmeade, to finish their schooling. Tony continues tutoring Peter Parker, both for normal classes and being an Avenger. He gets himself much-needed psychiatric help, and gets back together with Pepper. In Wakanda, T’Challa’s brilliant sister Shuri builds an impenetrable, magic glass coffin for Bucky, and begins working on a way to make him immune to the Imperius Curse. Once cured, Bucky takes work tending the flocks of thestrals on the Wakandan castle grounds. “How does it feel to come so far…?” Ministry Auror and former Ravenclaw student Everett Ross stops by Helmut Zemo’s Azkaban cell for a gloat. “So,” Everett teases, “How does it feel to come all this way, only to fail?” “Did I?” Zemo replies sinisterly. “An empire that is defeated by its enemies can rise again, but one that crumbles from within, that is dead.”

“And what’s that got to do with this?“ Everett asks. "The Avengers only crumbled due to an outside enemy—you.” A cruel smile begins to spread on Zemo’s face. “Only because I exposed the true nature of the Avengers.” “If this was about their ‘true natures,’ then why did you have to get them all to act so out-of-character, and inhumanly stupid, in order to make this ‘civil war’ happen?” Everett retorts. Zemo says quietly, “where do you think I got the Firewhisky and Hobbit Weed to spike their food with? who do you think taught me those jinxes, to turn the Quidditch balls into Idiot Balls?” Everett can only stare, now totally lost. Zemo sneers, “From the writing staff! My goal wasn’t just to destroy the Avengers as a team, but as a franchise! Yes, peering beyond the Forth Wall is an especially difficult form of Divination, which I have mastered! Today, I exposed to the entire audience how little the writers truly care about their characters, story or audience, if there’s a chance for cheap ‘drama’ and cartoonish fanboy-service! The MCU’s worst film, in any universe, has exposed to all the fans that this is nothing more than a cheap popcorn franchise. Watch now as the superhero genre loses its steam, and begins to collapse from within. Look at the DC movies, it’s already happening!” Everett can only stare at the sad, strange little man behind the barred window. Azkaban truly does drive its prisoners to incurable madness.  Shaking his head, Everett takes his leave.

AN: Guess what my least favorite Marvel movie is. And those naysayers said I couldn’t write an AU fic, a parody, and a movie review all in one post!