#you think chizu manga is a coming of age story about a girl learning to accept and love herself for who she truly is… but no it’s all yuri

[deus-ex-mona]

the opinion i’m not allowed to have: i genuinely think tsumurin could help concon get better™️

[chamomilehoneytea]

what were your thoughts on 117 do you think our ship sank permanently? I mean I expected Pin to reject her and not giving her any "wait till you graduated" hopes, but still a part of me just died. Pin is really one hell of a good complex character, a insight chapter would do wonders haha.

Thank you somuch @lov-lymj for reaching out to me about my thoughts! I agree that a chapter fromPin’s perspective would be the best thing ever (actually can we get a wholespin-off series of Kimi ni Todoke from his point of view? Please Shiina?). 

I’d beenmeaning to write out my thoughts on Chapter 117 for a while, but then I thoughtthe moment had passed, so thank you for giving me a reason to get everythingout. Unfortunately, you asked someone who LOVES to talk, so your answer isabout 4 pages worth of word vomit and feelings.

Still, I hopeyou and any other ayapinners who are worried about our ship sinking will findsome encouragement in my analysis. Obviously these are just my opinions andinterpretations, and you are totally free to disagree.

Let me startoff by saying I also felt like a little part of me died when I first read thechapter summary for 117, and based on what I was seeing in the Japanese forum Ifollow, a lot of people felt let down or disappointed with the outcome. Likeyou, I wasn’t expecting him to “accept” her feelings in this chapter. I thoughthe would probably reject her, but that we would be given at least a hug or somesort of real indication that they’d get together in the future. When I wasreading the Japanese summaries and poring over people’s comments, there seemedto be very little hope.

But then Isaw the chapter.

Our ship, far from sinking, has new windin its sails.

The big eventin Chapter 117 is Ayane’s confession, and Pin verbally, formally, rejects her.He says to her roughly what he said to Kurumi at the beginning of the manga,that she’s too young (paraphrasing), and deflects her attempts to draw out histrue feelings. Ayane thinks to herself that she’s been utterly defeated, andresolves to make the best of things and move forward; while her eating thecough drop and resolution to become an adult that Pin will be proud of arepreferable to seeing her broken and devastated, they do seem togive an impression that things are finished for ayapin.

If we onlylook at this course of events, it is easy to believe that we have witnessed thebittersweet end of a doomed pairing that, nevertheless, had lovely development.

But there’s a lot more to the chapterthan Ayane’s confession.I would even go so far as to say this chapter invites us into Pin’s perspectivefor the first time, and that if we look closely at that, there’s so much goingon under the surface of his rejection.

When Pin thinks she failed, he bends over backwards to comfort her however he can; hemakes them coffee, he very gently places her mug in front of her (beforecarelessly slamming his own on the table), he prioritizes her feelings over hisown health, he compliments her efforts and encourages her (using a variety oftactics), and he is visibly distressed when she starts crying (he even movescloser to her while she’s inconsolable).

Then when shetells him she passed the exam, he gets so riled up that he nearly tells her hewas waiting for her all day. His reaction as he cuts himself off is veryinteresting – for some reason, he doesn’t want her to know that he was waitingfor her. He almost gets carried away with his feelings, but pulls back at thelast second; he then denies it with an immature expression. When he finallyadmits that he was waiting for her, he doesn’t just say, “Yes I waited a while”or “Yeah I waited a little, I guess” – he fervently declares that he waswaiting for her the entire day. This poignant moment isfilled with tension, and from the shading and his expression, it seems to beone in which he is releasing very pent-up feelings (kind of a confession in itsown right).

The nextmoment is equally revealing. When she cries again, there are sparkles aroundher (in fact, there are sparkles around her almost every time she cries in thischapter) – and we seem to be seeing her from Pin’s perspective. He smiles ather affectionately (which she doesn’t see), but his face is partially obscured;the panel has an air of mystery, and is reminiscent of certain panels of his in otherchapters (87, 93, 97, 112). I get the sense that something is hidden from us inmoments like these. During the toast, her tearful smile really surprises him,and in the next panel he is at a loss for words; I don’t think it’s making toobig a leap here to say that, if he hasn’t already (he totally has), this is themoment when he thinks, “She’s cute.” He frantically leaves the room to dry hishair, despite the fact that they were in the middle of celebrating…

(Aaah, nothinglike a lot of hot air blowing in your face to deflate the sexual tension!)

When he comesback and notices the box, Ayane asks him if he knows what day it is. Pin, theguy who is always very conscious of Valentine’s Day / romantic holidays (andhow popular he is), says, “It’s the day your results come out.” He has been sofocused on Ayane Ayane’s exam result that he has entirely forgottenValentine’s Day! That’s huge!

And duringher confession…

He gives heran out. But she refuses to take it. Even knowing that she won’t be accepted,she is completely honest about her feelings.

Hisexpression when she looks him in the eye and tells him she loves him isprobably my favorite in the chapter, and maybe even the whole series. Ihonestly don’t know how Shiina got the lines so soft…He is completely blownaway by her. Pin knows Ayane better than any other person in this series; herealized her feelings at Christmas, but he probably never expected her to admitthem. He thinks very highly of her, but I think he believed she would alwayskeep her feelings to herself, because that’s what she’s done with her emotions throughoutthe story. He isn’t allowed to return her feelings while he’s her teacher, sohe tries to spare her any added embarrassment by discreetly letting her knowthat he already knows. So to see this girl he thought he knew so well bravely and defiantly confess to him, to witness her fighting for him despite her fear– there’s such a beautiful sense of wonder and surprise on his face.

And hisanswer is far from straightforward, despite his line about her being “10 yearsearly” and “out of range”; even though he verbally rejects her, he eats everylast chocolate in the box. Not just one out of pity, or two to appease her. Theman who makes a point of complaining about how much he dislikes sweet things eatsthem all, and even says they taste good.

I believethat in eating all of the chocolate, he is actually accepting her feelings. Hecan’t return them at this moment (concern for her future, age gap,professionalism, all of the above, whatever it may be), but he can accept themin his heart. After eating the chocolate, there is a heavily shaded partialclose-up of Pin’s face, and he doesn’t speak to her immediately. He seems to beconsidering something… If he didn’t have any feelings for her, I don’t think hewould need such a long time to formulate a rejection. I don’t think he wouldkeep her waiting in suspense that long for no reason. And he stares at her sointently. In these panels, I see an inner struggle – he wants to formallyaccept, but more than his own happiness, he wants her to be free to pursue herdreams without a guy (who will probably always live in Kitahoro) holding herback.

So he givesher a genuine smile and tries to reject her with as much levity as possible.

And if wewere still in doubt that he’s holding something back, Shiina goes out of herway to give us another telling moment.

When Ayaneasks Pin if he ever thought she was cute, he is initially surprised. Looking ather eager, hopeful expression, he seems somewhat wistful, and his face has thatmeaningful shadow. We know that he thought she was cute in this chapter (beforehe left to dry his hair), and there have been moments in other chapters when he might have; but he playfully taps her head and denies it with a smile. So whatwe can infer is, if he’s holding that back, what else is he hiding from her?

The praise hegives her as she’s leaving is also, to me, a sort of confession. We learn thathe hasn’t forgotten about the time she gave him chocolate in Chapter 45 – themoment that has been of recurring importance to Ayane throughout the series hasnot only been remembered by Pin, but treasured. He tells her he was happy whenshe did that, and showers her with praise for her kindness and personal growth.To me, it sounds as if he’s telling her all the reasons he loves her without beingable to use those words.

And that’swhat I think this chapter confirms. Pin does love her, and has for a long time,whether he fully realizes it or not. And I think Shiina is telling us not togive up hope, even if the timing is not right at this particular moment.

Looking atthe chapter from a narrative point of view, it makes no sense to show us somany reactions from Pin if this really is the end of the line. We see him worry andget flustered over her – what would be the point if this was it? In fact, ifher only intention was to give Ayane a bittersweet first love, I don’t thinkshe would have so carefully and gradually built up all of their momentstogether. Why show us any reactions from Pin at all? He’s technically a supportingcharacter, their chapters are always in Ayane’s perspective – if she wasplanning for an ending where they can’t ever be together, why have so manyscenes that illustrate their mutualcloseness? She could have just had Ayane pining for him and shown us a kind butdisinterested Pin. Their interactions do not resemble those of Chizu and Tohruearly on in the series, where there is a large degree of distance on one sideand a childhood crush on the other. Pin clearly cares for Ayane deeply, andtime and time again we see his very personal investment in her aspirations andfeelings.

As far aswhat will happen between them going forward, I’m really not sure.

I’ve stronglybelieved for a while that we will get a pretty heart-pounding interaction betweenthem after graduation, and I’m still hoping for one (why not? lol). Again,thinking about things narratively, and keeping in mind that Shiina loves herayapin foreshadowing: why have Ayane’s results come out on Valentine’s Day? Whyhave Ayane confess on Valentine’s Day? She’s given Pin chocolate on the lasttwo, so it rounds things in her arc out nicely. But I think it’s more thanthat. If her confession happened any other day, there wouldn’t be a follow-up…butwhat if White Day happens to fall after the graduation ceremony? Pin is, at thevery least, “obligated” to give her something in return for the Valentine’schocolate he accepted…and if it’s after graduation…well, maybe they won’t date,but I’m hoping we get some sort of encouraging interaction since he’ll nolonger be her teacher (maybe he’ll give her his number and tell her to keep intouch, or finally admit that he does think she’s cute). I really do believewe’re in for a surprise after graduation, and that some of the depressing “finality” inthis chapter is to mislead us so that we’re reallysurprised later. I think Shiina is building us up for a sweet, unexpectedpay-off down the road…

I also thinkthe graduation photo album could have an impact on Pin at the ceremony – in Chapter115 Chigusa mentions that she’s taking pictures for the album, and Shiina mightbe foreshadowing a slideshow or something. That picture of them having a greattime together really affected Ayane, so maybe it could make Pin realizesomething too…

And if thatdoesn’t happen, I’m 95 percent sure we’ll see them either dating, married, orrunning into each other and connecting in a 10-years-later epilogue (even Pin’srejection hints at this). I would love to see one of the first two optionsespecially (because after waiting this long it would be great to see themfinally together as a couple), but I could also see Shiina doing the classic“What?! It’s you, Yano?!” mix-up (slow-burn til the end, haha).

Having saidall of that, I could be wrong. There’s a new chapter coming out this week thatmay render all of this analysis completely irrelevant, or we may find out in afew months that this chapter was indeed the end for them. But until Shiina isdone with this wonderful series, I think we should keep our heads up, becauseanything could happen.

I personally believeshe won’t disappoint us. Ayane and Pin are always featured with the other twocouples on magazine and chapter covers (115 spotlighted the 3 couples a toneven in the chapter itself), and after 12 years of slowly and carefully building theirrelationship, I can’t imagine Shiina just throwing ayapin away at the end; ifthis were a one-shot manga or a story that had only 50 chapters, I would be a littlemore concerned. Plus, Ayane has been through so much and endured and grown – Ithink Shiina will give her a happy ending, ultimately, because she really, really deserves one.If the other two couples are still together in the final chapter, I think Ayaneand Pin definitely have a future together.

This was avery long way of saying to you and all ayapin shippers, “Please don’t bediscouraged or give up hope!” I’m also anxious to see what will happen, butgiven the way their relationship was portrayed in this chapter, I’m inclined tobelieve that this is only the beginning for them. :)