#you know y'all have NEVER had to travel for a holiday despite the fact that we all live out of state?

[graysongraysoff]

Imagine a world where my parents got a fucking grip lmfao

[1025cherrystreet]

New Home for the Holidays!

happy holidays! and merry christmas to whoever celebrates it!! <3

disclaimer: kinda scared ngl, this is my first piece of writing i’m putting on tumblr. i usually use wattpad (my username is the same it is here if you wanna follow me!), so i’m still learning how to do this lmao. hope you like it! any feedback is appreciated!!!

also... i didn’t really proofread this bc i got impatient and wanted to post it before christmas lol :)

warnings: none, just fluff ;)

gf!y/n spends christmas with harry and his family.

You hear the faint chime of the doorbell ringing from inside the house as you nervously pick at your fingers down at your side. Harry notices the small action, quickly taking your hand to intertwine with his, shooting you a small smile in hopes to calm your nerves.

And it does. For a moment. Until the door swings open and Anne appears on the other side. What finally does put your anxiety to rest is the big, warm hug she pulls you into, a splitting grin adorning her face. You chuckle in surprise (mostly at the fact she hugged you first and not her own son), but return the kind action, nonetheless.

"Oh my gosh! Y/N, my dear, you look gorgeous as always!" She says pulling back just enough to look at your face.

"Thank you! You're looking quite good yourself, Mrs. Twist." You return either a kind smile.

"Oh, none of that. I've told you before, call me Anne," She looks at you with a knowing and playful scowl, waving you off.

"Wow, hello to you too mum," Harry mutters from next to you, plastering a fake pout on his lips.

She softly scoffs, releasing her hold on you and moving to embrace her son.

"You look gorgeous too, Harry. Is that what you wanted to hear?" She jokes, the familiar smirk she holds reminds you of the one your boyfriend pulls so frequently.

When they release from their tight squeeze, Anne steps inside and holds the door open before speaking.

"Well... Don't want you two to freeze out there, come in! I was just fixing a cuppa,"

The warmth of her home heats your frozen fingertips as you enter and your glad to be out of the snow. You love the snow, but since growing up not experiencing it often where you lived makes it a little hard to bear in times like these. You couldn't remember many times you've had a white Christmas before (probably could count on one hand, if your honest), but you've always remembered them being the best ones.

You've always loved the holidays. You loved the cold weather and the time with family. You loved you're yearly family tradition of opening one present on Christmas Eve night and taking a picture on the staircase in your childhood home the next morning. You loved making hot chocolate and watching you're family open the presents you got them.

You loved the holidays. But, what you love more than anything, is that this year you get to spend them with Harry.

You've been dating for two years now, but last Christmas, you spent it with your own family, as did he, because it was a bit too soon in y'all's relationship to make that step. However, this year Harry extended the invitation for you to join them and after talking with your parents (and your brother, albeit he didn't care one bit) you accepted the invite. Of course, not without making sure you wouldn't be imposing at all. And with Harry's reassuring words of, wouldn't have asked if we all didn't want you there, and besides, baby, it wouldn't be Christmas without all my loved ones, would it?, you started packing for London.

Harry shrugs off his coat as you both stand in the foyer and you follow suit as a voice shouts from the kitchen.

"Are they here?" A familiar sister calls out excitedly.

You and Harry enter the kitchen and he's immediately pulling Gemma into a bear hug. You look at the sight and smile fondly, noticing her boyfriend, Michal, behind them, but not before worrying for Gemma's breath support as Harry noticeably squeezes tighter.

They let go of each other and she playfully scowls at him, swatting his arm. To which Harry dramatically holds his arm, draining an, ow, that hurt!, receiving an eye roll from Gemma before Harry moves to greet Michal, and his stepdad, Robin.

"Hi, Y/N! It's so great to see you, feels like it's been ages," She greets you in turn, having enough of Harry's antics already. You return the greeting, along with the one to Michal and Robin, and before you know it, you're all deep into conversation.

Harry takes up spot right on your side like a leech. If you were being honest, it took you awhile to become accustomed and comfortable to how openly affectionate Harry is with you in front of his family and friends. At first, it was just small touches and light squeezes when the two of you would go out with Mitch and Sarah. The actions not bold enough for you to scold him, but just enough to make your cheeks turn pink. Not long after, the touches turned into sweet kisses to your cheek and draping a protective arm around you almost every time y'all went out. Which wasn't a problem until you realized how many stares your friends shot you when you started to get too comfortable in his warm embrace, most of the time opting to daze out in Harry's comfort than pay attention to conversation. So then, when the little affections turned into koala-esque cuddling into your side and planting heart-stopping kisses to your lips in front of Gemma and Anne this past summer, you decided to tell him to reign it back just a tad. It wasn't that you didn't like it! Quite the contrary, the sweet scent of his cologne that would flood your senses as he settled so close to you made your head fuzzy, and the pecks along your neck or on your hands or on your cheeks left you incapable of being present.

Of course, your loving boyfriend pouted a bit at the fact he claims, you don't want my kisses, but quickly got over it when you dropped to your knees before the boy to press kisses somewhere he couldn't complain about.

However, despite all of your protests to PDA, you can't help but relinquish your resolve as you melt into the couch with Harry between your legs, head resting on your tummy. The whole family (which includes you now!) is settled into their comfy spots in Anne's living room as Miracle on 34th Street plays on the TV, everyone having changed into their fuzziest Christmas pajamas. The realization when you saw Harry, Gem, and Anne had matching pajama bottoms made your heart grow tenfold and your eyes glaze over in complete fondness.

The smell of kettle corn popcorn (as Harry made it since he knows it's your favorite) and cinnamon candles fill the room. Anne and Robin are together on the couch perpendicular to yours against the wall opposite of you and Harry as the two of you are laid out taking up the whole space on y'all's blue sofa, while Gemma and Michal have cuddled up on the floor, sharing the big bean bag off to your left since they were the last ones to join the holiday movie marathon.

You love the dynamic of Harry's family. Much different than the chaotic mess of yours, and although you still love your family very much (despite their constant need to be obnoxiously loud for no reason whatsoever, fight over little things, and ignore each other on a daily basis), you admire how calm their presence is. You're family is just so... loud. And that's not necessarily a bad thing! The running joke of your family is that no one in it is capable of whispering...well, except you but you all blame it on the anxiety. But even so, your parents and brother have always argued. Over everything. Very rarely is it about something important, and seldom does it get out of control, but your family's way of showing affection is very...unique? Y'all aren't openly nice and polite all the time. As confusing as it might sound, y'all show your love in bickering. The love is more underlying than it is direct in show.

But that's why you can't get over how quiet this house is right now. Not one fight over someone breathing wrong has broke out and Harry and Gemma actually get along and enjoy each other's company. They're like... friends! The concept is crazy to you and you can't help but get just a tad bummed how your family doesn't just sit around all cuddled up, and how they'll get something for you while their up so you don't have to move from your comfy spot, or how Anne will just hug Harry out of nowhere. But the more you think about it, you realize that it's probably because Harry wasn't around much, always touring and traveling the world. He never got the time to playfully bicker with his family. So, as everyone is quiet in their comfort, you take it all in, happy that you're given the chance to experience their household dynamic.

Your fingers play with Harry's hair, running them through the long brown curls, still as wonderstruck at how soft his hair is as ever. Hearing him softly hum when you gently tug through a thicker curl.

"You're so effortlessly beautiful, ya know that?" You whisper to him, the sound of the movie, thankfully, covering you're affection from everyone else.

You can just spot the smitten little grin that grows on his face, and despite not having the angle to see, you just know his precious dimple is making a showcase right now...and that's enough to put a smile on your own face.

Instead of replying in words, he only turns his head to place a soft, melting kiss upon your thigh. Making heat surge through your entire body, in turn, making your heart warm at his love.

As y'all sit and watch the movie, you start to subconsciously braid your boyfriends hair. Starting by sectioning (albeit, a bit lazily) his hair into two big chunks, then separating three strands from the top of his head, you start braiding the pieces, adding a bit more hair as you go. He eventually caught on to what you were doing and you thought he was going to stop you, truthfully. But to your surprise, he only started rubbing gentle circles into your legs with his hands in a calming manner, causing you to release a content sigh.

When you get to the end, you tie off the finished braid with a hair tie from your wrist before moving to the other side of his sectioned head. It surprised you how long his braids are! They come down about a few inches below his chin, much longer than the only other time you had saw him in braids, which was when Lou did them right before he went on stage to perform. Now, your braiding skills aren't as refined as Lou's are, her skills making yours look rather sad, but you're having a blast doing it and that's all that matters. Not like he's going to go perform after this, right?

After securing the second braid in a hair tie, you lean forward and place a kiss to the top of Harry's head, causing him to tilt his head to look at you with a big smile on his pretty face.

Since you're sat up already and hovering over his face with him still in your lap, you press a quick, searing kiss to his lips, watching them curve into a splitting grin. You smile back at him, just admiring his features.

Despite being able to feel the loving stares from Gemma and Anne in the room, your focus is still on Harry.

“I love you,” He whispers, bringing a hand up to gently stroke your cheek.

“I love you too, bubs.” You return, because you do. You love him so much it hurts sometimes.

Looking at him now, surrounded by his family, you think you have never been so happy in your entire life. You’re so lucky to have him in your life, and you know he knows he’s lucky too.

But most of all, you’re so glad you decided to spend this Christmas with him.

[thepandapopo]

Promises - A Sylvix 2020 Holiday Fic

Summary:

When Felix learns that Sylvain has never had the chance to truly enjoy the Yule holiday (or any holiday for that matter), he makes it his personal mission to correct this injustice.

OR

Felix just really wants Sylvain to know that he's loved. What better way than to melt down his favorite sword into an engagement ring?

Posted for A Very Sylvix Holiday 2020

Warnings: N/A. Rated T for vague mentions of sex. 

Sylvain/Felix #Sylvix  Fluff | Proposals | Family/Found Family #sylvixholiday  4300 words https://archiveofourown.org/works/28086762  I hope y'all like my sylvix holiday oneshot! As usual kudos, likes, and RTs welcome :) I hope I can share a little joy with all of you this holiday.

It was no secret that Sylvain and Felix grew up together. In fact, it was something that the older boy liked to remind their mutual friends every chance he got how adorable little Fe used to follow him around like a lost duckling, clinging to him whenever something or the other inevitably made his eyes mist with tears.

But in all his years growing up with Sylvain, the full force of Sylvain’s absolute joy over the Yule holiday never really came up until the year after the war ended, only a few months into his official ‘move in’ to the Fraldarius castle and the freedom that came from saying a long overdue fuck you to Margrave Gautier, whom – Dimitri assured – was on the fast track to being unseated so that Sylvain could finally take over and begin peace talks with Sreng.

“You’re acting like you’ve never celebrated Yule before.” Felix deadpanned as he watched his boyfriend (and new housemate) string tinsel along the hallways, complete with a mistletoe at every door.

Instead of a reply, Sylvain merely stuck his tongue out at him in an eerily reminiscent way that made Felix’s head spin with memories of two younger children in days long past.

He never really got an answer as to Sylvain’s strange behavior.

The Yule holiday season came and went, and it was only halfway through the next year on a sleepy summer morning that Felix learned why in one of their rare early morning pillow talks.

“What do you mean your family didn’t celebrate holidays?”

A warm huff of breath tickled the hairs atop his head, “it’s exactly like it sounds, Fe. My family wasn’t exactly the type to sit around a dinner table and chat amicably. The only time we celebrated was when we were with company or if my father wanted to rub elbows with other nobles and sniff out a marriage candidate for me.”

Felix is very glad that his face is buried in Sylvain’s chest so that he can’t see the fury in his eyes or the way that his eyes scrunch against a familiar sting when the truth squeezes his heart in a death grip.

His arms must also tighten unconsciously because just as soon as Felix makes some absent calculations on how long it would take to ride to Gautier and castrate Sylvain’s father, the warm strong arms around him are pulling him in tighter in reciprocation and a large hand tangles itself into his unbound locks.

“It’s fine,” Sylvain mutters, lips moving in a whisper across Felix’s forehead. “After all, I’ve got you now, don’t I? Holidays are for spending time with family at home and you are my home, Fe.”

Well, fuck him three way to Ailell if the fool isn’t right. Sylvain’s home is with him, here in Fraldarius castle. Here in his room, in his bed, and in his arms.

And fuck it all even more if Felix doesn’t make every holiday from that day forth the best damn holiday Sylvain has ever had to make up for his lost childhood.

Which is exactly how Felix finds himself standing in front of the stall of his favourite blacksmith in Fhirdiad later that year on the first snowfall of the season.

(It is very important that he does not go to a blacksmith in Fraldarius for this particular task because Goddess forbid Sylvain catch wind of this secret order and bother him about it.)

The weight slung across his hip is a familiar one – the well worn scabbard an extension of his own body and the sword sheathed inside a friend that carried him through the war, but more importantly, also the savior of Sylvain’s life too many times to count.

It only seems appropriate that it continues to accompany them throughout their future together.

“Lord Fraldarius!” The blacksmith greets heartily when he ducks under the entrance flap. “Or should I say Your Grace, now?”

The heat is sweltering inside, but it is easily overshadowed by the thrill and excitement of seeing the wide assortment of sharp blades strewn about for display. But alas, that is not what Felix is here for and he cannot bring home any evidence of what he is up to.

“No need for formalities, Than. Just Felix is fine.”

“Well then, young master Felix, what can I do for you this day? Another sharpening? Or perhaps a new blade?”

It’s all very tempting, but that’s not the reason why Felix has laden his gold purse with a hefty sum before coming here today.

“Actually, I was hoping you would be able to take on a custom request for me…”

----

It takes exactly 53 days before Than finishes his order just in the nick of time when Sylvain and Felix travel to the Kingdom capital with an invitation from Dimitri to spend the holiday with him, Byleth, and basically every other friend from the war that he can send a missive to.

It’s easy enough for Felix to slip away to the blacksmith’s once again while Sylvain is busy catching up with Ashe who chatters non stop about the booming success of Dedue’s Duscur cuisine, much to the embarrassment of the quiet giant who looks like he is torn between wanting to change the subject and basking in the praise of his ‘close friend’ (Sylvain snorts at that one because anyone with eyes can see how smitten Dedue is with the archer and vice versa).

It’s even easier to conceal the little velvet box underneath the layers and layers of wool that protect him from the bitter winter winds that Faerghus is known for.

What isn’t easy, is dragging Dimitri and Annette away to tell them his intentions because the last-minute invitation from their King throws off his entire original plan.

“Oh Goddess! Felix, it’s beautiful.” Annette gushes and peers at the silver band nestled snugly within the ring box cushions.

He’s not too sure about beautiful – there are other things more fitting to the word, like the very man he wants to give this ring to – but he does know that it is breathtaking in its own simple way.

The silver shines brighter than any gem and catches the light no matter which way it is turned. Etched onto the surface of the band in delicate handiwork are swirling lines weaving the symbols of Fraldarius and Gautier together to become something wholly new, something wholly Sylvain and Felix.

“There’s more.”

Gently, Felix pulls the ring out to show his two soon-to-be accomplices the detailing on the inside.

“Don’t bend it,” Felix glares a warning at Dimitri as he places the ring on the outstretched palm of his king.

“I promise I will not,” Dimitri chuckles, but Felix can hear the nervousness buried underneath in a way that only an entire lifetime of friendship can uncover. Regardless, the boar does not close his hand or pick up the seemingly tiny ring dwarfed in his palm, choosing instead to rotate his whole hand so that him and Annette can peer at the graceful cursive inscribed on the inside.

In Life and Death

“I…” Felix swallows the lump of emotion in his throat before continuing quietly, “I had it made from the sword that I used throughout the war.”

Both of his friends gasp at his admission, the crackling fire in the hearth flickering shadows across their faces that twist their face into a deeper shade of shock.

“But Felix,” Annette chokes, “You loved that sword. It was your favourite sword.”

Beside her, Dimitri nods emphatically, “I believe the very words you had said were ‘I will take this sword to my grave’.”

“You carry it around everywhere whenever you travel.”

“Indeed. I have rarely seen you without the familiar scabbard by your side.”

“You literally visited the blacksmith every moon during the war to make sure the blade was upkept.”

“The number of late nights you’ve spent sharpening-“

“Enough.” Felix hisses at them. “I get it, already.”

It’s another heartbeat of silence before he can muster up the courage to verbalize the emotions that are currently running through him; that have always thrummed in his veins whenever Sylvain is by his side.

“It’s… it’s because of how important that sword was to me that I wanted to re-forge it into something that I could give to Sylvain.”

Golden eyes turn down to the floor and Felix has to fight the visceral urge to scuff his boots against the floor like a boy who was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Or in Felix’s case, with his hand on his father’s ceremonial swords mounted high above the fireplace, requiring both him and Glenn to even reach it.

“He still thinks I’m going to disappear someday and become a mercenary.”

It stings to say out loud, but it’s the truth and Felix will be damned if he ever becomes so much of a coward that he cannot even face the facts in front of him.

A shaggy lock of blonde hair falls from Dimitri’s half updo as he shakes his head. “I’m sure Sylvain doesn’t think that, Felix. You told him that you had decided against that and he believes you.”

But that’s not how Sylvain is. Felix knows that even if Sylvain tells him that he believes that Felix is here to stay, there will always be demons and ghosts lingering in the darkest corners of his mind, whispering poisonous words and you’re not worthy of love’s in his heart.

“He does, but I know him. He’s still scared; I want to give him this to prove that our promise is more than just dying together.” It is more. It is so much more. “It’s… it’s about living together, too.”

Felix does not elaborate further because he doesn’t need to. Despite Dimitri technically being his oldest friend, Sylvain was always his closest and it is no secret that Felix would fight a hundred wars just to see him happy. In fact, fighting to rebuild a world where crests no longer ruled over everyday life was one of the biggest reasons why he had fought to begin with.

He wanted to build a world where Sylvain was free to be… just Sylvain.

Turns out fighting an entire imperial army and a whole legion of crazy cultists is a lot easier than arguing with Sylvain’s demons.

“Oh Felix,” Annette sighs wistfully, “He’s going to love it.”

Felix certainly hopes so, because if he doesn’t, Felix is not only down one extremely well crafted blade, but more importantly it proves that maybe Felix doesn’t know Sylvain as well as he thinks he does.

Dimitri nods his assent, “It suits you both. Even if he didn’t, which I find impossible, he will love it simply because it is coming from you, Felix.”

If his self discipline was ever in question, it is long cleared based solely on the fact that Felix is still standing here under the awed gazes of his king and irritatingly fond friend despite how much every vein in his body screams at him to run literally anywhere else, just to get away from their scrutiny and out of the limelight. But his purpose in dragging Dimitri and Annette away is twofold and he has merely completed the first part of his goal, leaving the second most important bit still hanging in the air.

Taking a deep breath, Felix fills himself with the same steely determination that he brings whenever he steps on the battlefield.

“I’m going to need your help.”

----

Felix hates balls. But Sylvain likes them, and Felix likes making Sylvain happy so somehow Felix always ends up going to them.

Will you dance with me, Fe? Sylvain always asks with that stupidly blinding smile that makes Felix’s heart feel three times too small for the amount of love he feels for the man. And even though he wants to say no, there isn’t an ounce of will in him to actively go against something that clearly means so much to Sylvain.

Each time without fail Felix ends up being twirled around on the dancefloor to the lilting notes of a waltz – or maybe it’s the quickstep? Not that it matters since Sylvain’s leading is graceful enough that even Felix can keep up.

Which is exactly what he banks on.

“Come on, Fe! You owe me a dance still.” Sylvain tugs the flute of champagne from his hand, slipping his own calloused fingers through Felix’s and drawing him gently towards the open floor.

In the sea of Faerghus blues and whites, Sylvain cuts through the slowly diminishing crowd of the Yule ball like the blazing dawn of a new day tugging Felix along by his heartstrings.

He must make a face, because soon enough he’s being bombarded with pouty honey browns and Felix is drowning and completely at the mercy of the man before him.

“Just one.” Felix huffs. He has to put on a show of his usual reluctance after all. Otherwise Sylvain will start to become suspicious.

Sylvain winks like he’s in on a big secret, “just one.”

(They both know it won’t be just one.)

From across the room, Felix nods subtly to Dimitri who is following them with watchful eyes, and immediately, the King disappears to put into motion their grand master plan. If all goes well, Annette should also be on the move rounding up all their friends and entreating the small string quartet to play a half dozen more songs, just enough for the remaining stragglers to retire for the night at the encouragement and behest of Dimitri, before ending the evening with one final song request.

Felix barely has enough time to quickly run through the rest of his plan in his head before warm hands circle his waist and tug him closer into a lungful of citrusy bergamot and earthy pine.

The weight of the small box in his pocket is heavy, but the way Sylvain’s eyes melt into warm chocolate and the encompassing warmth of belonging make Felix feel like he’s walking on air. The world falls away to nothing around them and Felix knows with a surety borne from walking alongside this man for his whole life, that Sylvain is also here in this moment with him.

I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I never want you to feel lonely ever again.

His heart is pounding but Felix does not know if it’s from nerves or from the suddenly overwhelming need to let Sylvain know just how much he is loved.

Steps flow into more steps, and yet it feels like no time at all passes before the world comes back into focus as the first lilting notes of Felix’s requested song (communicated by virtue of Annie) fill the room.

As planned, the hall is almost entirely empty now save for their close friends who loiter around the sides. A flash of bright orange in his periphery tells Felix that Annette is busy running proxy and filling their companions in on the plan.

Goddess knows what Dimitri is up to. Though Felix has a sinking suspicion that the stupidly soft-hearted boar is probably sniffing away happy tears somewhere behind a glass of sparkling cider.

The music swells and that is Felix’s cue.

“Sylvain.” He doesn’t dare speak any louder, lest he break the spell that they are under.

Hazy brown eyes focus slightly, even as Sylvain gives a distracted hum in response.

“I…” Goddess, why are words so hard? “I… I know that you never got to enjoy Yule or any other holiday really when you were growing up.”

“Hm?” Now he has Sylvain’s full attention. “Felix, are you still thinking about what I told you in the summer? It’s fine. Really. I have you now and that’s all that matters.”

“But it’s not okay,” Felix grouses out, still dancing. “It’s not okay that you were robbed of happiness so early in your life. It’s not okay that you never understood what it was like to be loved until we basically beat it into your thick skull at the academy.”

Insulting Sylvain is definitely not how Felix wants this to go, but he relaxes a little when Sylvain merely laughs, “that’s one way to tell me you love me, Fe.”

“I do.” Felix says, almost defiantly as he raises his gaze to meet Sylvain’s stunned one. “I love you more than you know and more than you believe, and it’s because I love you that I promise that I will make up for all those years that you should have been happy – I’ll make every year better than the last.”

It must look so odd, Felix thinks, how the more determined and steelier his face gets, the sappier and lovestruck Sylvain’s expression becomes.

“Fe,” Sylvain’s breath washes over Felix’s face as he presses a soft kiss to his lips. “You already make me so happy. Everyday with you is worth everything I’ve gone through and more. I truly… I truly don’t deserve you.” When Sylvain pulls away, there is a sad smile tugging at his face and a distant part of Felix wants to smack it right off.

“You do deserve me.” Felix snaps. The music is slowly dying away now and his voice comes out louder in the growing silence of the hall than he intends, but his heart is beating a mile a minute and there’s no stopping now, and so Felix decides to hurl himself headlong into the deep end.

“You deserve so much, Sylvain. So much more than I can give you, but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.” Felix pulls them to a stop in the middle of the dance floor and gathers both of Sylvain’s much larger ones in his.

He doesn’t dare look up at the love of his life, but their lives are so entwined that Felix can picture with crystal clarity the look of growing confusion and wide eyes that is surely adorning Sylvain’s expression.

“Sylvain Jose Gautier.” Felix likes the way the name rolls off his tongue, but he would like it even better if there was another name added to the end. “You are the biggest fool I’ve ever met. You throw yourself into danger to protect those that you love, yet you never consider yourself worthy of love in return.”

Felix builds enough courage now to look up at Sylvain to see the startled wild confusion grow in his eyes.

Eyes that widen even further as Felix sinks down to one knee with his hands still cradled in Felix’s left, as his right reaches into his coat pocket to pull out a simple velvet box.

“I know,” Felix swallows the lump in his throat and tightens his grip on Sylvain’s hands which are now physically trembling, “I know that you’ve never thought that you would be happy. That you deserved to be happy. But I want to prove you wrong.”

There are tears running down Sylvain’s face now as his mind finally puts the pieces together and the reality of the situation fully dawns upon him.

“I never want you to feel like you aren’t loved ever again. I never want you to feel lonely or like there is no one out there who has your back. I never want you to feel like your life is conditional and that you have to cripple who you are just to be accepted.”

Goddess. Sylvain truly is an ugly crier. Blast him for looking so handsome anyways even with his nose scrunched up and fat crocodile tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

“I love you, Sylvain, and I want to spend the rest of our lives proving it to you, so will you marry me?”

The beat after the metaphorical ball drops is painfully long, but when time resumes again, Sylvain’s knees buckle beneath him and he collapses in a sobbing heap, his body leaning into Felix like he is touch starved and Felix holds the warmth of home in his arms.

“You-“ Sylvain’s voice is hoarse as he chokes the words out through his tears, “You… want to marry me? Marry me?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to.”

(Across the room, Dimitri has to hold Ingrid back from throwing a cup at Felix’s head)

“But, it’s me! Felix, I’m a mess. How could you ever want someone as broken as me?” There is desperation in Sylvain’s eyes, but it is wild, like Sylvain himself doesn’t know if he’s desperate for Felix to just take this last out he’s providing or to reassure him that yes, this is really happening and yes, Felix really wants to marry him.

“You idiot.” Felix huffs fondly, reaching up a pale scarred hand to gently thumb away the nonstop tears on Sylvain’s face. “I’ve wanted you since we were children. I will never stop wanting you. You might be a mess, but you’re my mess.”

Felix withdraws his grip slowly and finally opens the velvet box clutched in his hand. He doesn’t hear so much as feel the sharp inhale from Sylvain as he reveals the glittering silver ring nestled in the soft cushion.

“Do you remember the sword that I carried with me throughout the war?”

Sylvain scrubs his eyes and nods, “Yeah. I remember. Why? What happened-“

Brown eyes widen almost comically again and Sylvain stares at the ring with his mouth agape.

“Felix. Felix, don’t tell me…”

“If this doesn’t prove how serious I am, then I don’t know what will.”

“But Felix, you loved that sword.”

Felix doesn’t even pause to think before he retorts, “You truly are a fool if you think that I love a sword more than I love you.”

Felix does not expect for Sylvain to burst into sobs again, but rather than the irritation that he’s sure he would have felt under different circumstances, the only thing Felix can feel right now is warmth and love blooming in his chest.

“Sylvain,” Felix feels a small smile tug at the corner of his lips as he brings his hand up to frame Sylvain’s tearful face, “will you marry me?”

The crooked wobbly smile that graces Sylvain’s face next is one that Felix will remember for the rest of his life. It is the same one that he’s seen only a handful of times, but he knows what it means and Felix swears that he will dedicate the rest of his life finding ways to silence the demons and bring out that smile again and again and again.

“Yes.”

----

Neither of them remembers much of the celebration after Felix slips the ring on Sylvain’s finger.

The rest of the night passes in a blur of bottles upon bottles of champagne (the good stuff, according to Ashe who may have had a peek in the cellars) and laughter and congratulations.

But most importantly, it passes with Sylvain being surrounded by the people who have risked life and limb for him, and Felix hopes that this is at least a decent start to spending the rest of his life making his future husband happy.

---

It is only much later that night in the aftermath of rumpled sheets and whispers of pleasure that Felix succumbs to the incessant voice at the back of his mind, itching to ask what he already knows but wants reassurance of anyways.

“Did you… was this Yule better than last year?” His breath ghosts over the red hairs on Sylvain’s chest, stirring the owner to shift away ticklish and shuffle so that he can look down at his fiancé.

“Yeah, it was. It was absolutely wonderful.” Sylvain’s voice is quiet when he answers. Quiet enough that the sincerity of it strikes Felix through the heart and stirs the butterflies in his stomach. Above him, he can feel Sylvain’s muscles shifting as he examines his new engagement ring in the moonlight and Felix pointedly does not point out the fresh batch of tears that well up in Sylvain’s eyes when he finds the inscription carved on the inside.

Felix nods his head once in a jerky movement, the abruptness a stark contrast to the curl of satisfactory success blooming in his gut. Good. That’s one year down and an entire lifetime to go.

“I keep my promises, you know.”

He doesn’t need to say it, but the part of him that is finely tuned into the entity that is Sylvain tells him that these are words he needs to hear regardless of how difficult they are tripping up and out of his mouth.

“I promised that I would make up for all those shitty years that you never got to celebrate properly.”

Sylvain huffs a laugh into his hair, “well, you’re off to a strong start. I believe you also promised me that you would make each year better than the last.”

He’s teasing, but Felix hears the small sliver of shy hope that toes the open space between them timidly, almost as if the fool didn’t just hear him say that he keeps all his damn promises.

It will be a long and hard battle before Felix can officially claim victory over Sylvain’s doubts, but he’s no stranger to war and this is one that he already knows the outcome of.

“I will,” Felix whispers into a sweet kiss, “I promised.”

---

It comes as no surprise that Felix stays true to his word.

Either Felix is the most brilliant strategist in all of Fodlan or Sothis herself watches over them, for in a fortuitous twist of fate, the next Yule seasons brings Sylvain and Felix a beautiful baby girl that they lovingly name Sophia Gabriella Fraldarius-Gautier.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX Please follow me on my Twitter if you want to know my fic progress, when I put up new content, and sneak peeks!

[dontyoudarejudgemesworld]

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far Chapter Four: The Girdle Rule

Alright, so first off this one maybe a bit on the rough side as far as editing goes. My back up beta flaked on me and there was a whole slue of issues with even getting this to be able to post it (say it with me computer problems suck). Anyways this is a very Billie-centric chapter giving a bit more insight to her as a person and why she is the way she is. It's also 6.643 words about 85% of which is rather angsty. And while there arent any real graphic descriptions there are underlying themes of drug use, OD, death, grief, childhood trauma, abandonment issues, and violence. So you know be aware of that.

Also as a heads up the next chapter will land in the series bringing Dipper and Mable into play and really taking the first step toward the real meat of the story. So that's something to look forward too. Other then that if you read this likes comments are always appreciated.

As always this is posted on AO3 and you can read it there by clicking here. 

And with that I scream yet another chapter into the void

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January 2011

Billie sighed as she walked through the mall, it was almost deserted, the snow that fell lazily outside enough to deter all but the most determined of shoppers and teenagers. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she looked at the screen for the millionth time, even though she knew it was useless; Stan didn’t own a cell so when he got the messages she’d left on the answering machine he would call her. Still, she was restless, she didn’t even know what she was doing here. She’s just been up a few weeks ago to throw Stan’s Christmas gift at him and spend a few days getting a crash course on Hanukkah since it turned out the Pines were Jewish. It had been nice to spend an actual holiday with someone, but after she’d left to head down to California for a job everything had gone to hell.

She'd met with the client and decided  to pass on the job. While she wasn't one to pass up a job simply because the employer was obviously less than upstanding, she was one who listened to her gut. And her gut had screamed danger in big red letters with flashing lights and sirens. So she'd politely declined and the soft-spoken man who'd offered her the job had been less than pleased. After trying to throw more money at her only for her to insist she wasn't interested, he'd changed tactics to one of intimidation.  Four hours later after being roughed up a bit by his 'bodyguard' they'd parted ways with the understanding that she'd never met him and would forget his face, and he'd return the favor. It wasn't the first time that sort of thing had happened, but that didn't make her ribs any less sore. After that, she'd decided that it might be better to head out the next town to find another job. And then...

"God damn it, Stan, it's the off-season what could you possibly be doing?" she growled her finger hovering over the screen as she considered calling him again, before shoving the device back into her pocket. She'd already left four messages telling him that she was suddenly in town and asking if she could crash at the Shack,  if she left another he might start worrying. And he didn't need to worry, there was nothing wrong, she'd just decided to come up this way.

In fact, it was stupid she'd even bothered him, she should just call him back and tell him never mind. It wasn’t like she really needed to see him, or she wanted the strange comfort his presence gave her. No, it wasn’t that she wanted someone to tell her that it was all going to be okay. Or that she needed someone to tell her she was wanted. She really should just keep moving. Seattle was close and she had a few repeat clients there she could check in with. Yeah, she would do that.

"... said move on creep. We aren't interested," came a familiar voice sharp with anger and a hint of fear. Her head snapping up her eyes found a group of three men in their twenties crowded around someone besides a hallway over which the word 'Restrooms' was stenciled. They looked a bit rough, and even though she didn't claim to know everyone in the town she could tell they weren't locals. Glancing past them, she found the voice she had recognized; Wendy stood in front of her goth friend defiantly glaring daggers at the men.

"Oh come on. We just want to have some fun. Why don’t you show us around? You two would love to do that, right," the biggest one pressed in a friendly tone as he took a step towards the girls causing Wendy's face to waver as her friend shrink back in an effort to hide behind the redhead. He looked like he just walked out of a James Dean look-alike shoot and just radiated sleaze.

"Yeah, we're new in town. Show us around," one of the others chimed in with a predatory grin.

"We said beat it," Wendy growled, though a slight crack in her voice took some of the venom out and seemed to encourage the men who took a step towards them.

"Hey, fuck face the girl said beat it,"  Billie snapped as she traveled the distance between them in a dozen steps to place herself in front of the two girls much to the surprise of everyone, "So you best be movin' on,"  she snarled her shoulders squaring and fists clenching. While she would never have hesitated to step into such a situation no matter who it was, the fact that the assholes had picked Wendy pissed her off to no end.

"Who the hell are you?" one of them demanded a scowl on his face as he took half a step forward in an effort to intimidate her. Behind her she felt Wendy and the other girl shift as they pressed into her to hide. Letting out a soft growl she leveled her gaze on the one who'd spoken her features unreadable and eye cold as ice.  

"You feelin' froggy, boy?" she asked calmly, "Go ahead, I'll tan your hides gladly," she said with a slight laugh that just screamed unstable. The men hesitated as they looked at each other, before the leader smiled at her, raising his hands in surrender.

"It's cool," he assured her, "Come on guys," he said as he turned and walked away. The other two hesitated before they followed him and Billie glared at them as they headed out the nearest exit. Shame, she really wanted to hit someone today. Rolling her shoulders, she turned to Wendy and her friend, Tammy she thought, flashing them a smile.

"Y'all alright?" she asked and Wendy smiled as she let out a breath she'd been holding.

"Yeah, thanks man," the teenager said as she stepped back, her friend nodding from behind her phone. The older woman nodded and the two stood in silence for a minute as Billie looked her over. Despite the girl's easy going tone and relaxed posture it didn't take a genius to see she was a little shaken up, making Billie wonder just how strong those assholes had come on.

"Alright, but for my own piece ah' mind, let me get y'all home," she said, choosing to pretend she didn't see relief flash across the redhead's face.

"My Dad's picking us up in like a half an hour, but if you need to hang around, that's cool," Wendy told her, "I didn't know you were back in town again. Soos normally texts me when you show up."

"Yeah, not stayin' though. Just passing through to Seattle. Needed a new pair of gloves," she lied smoothly, "Was just picking them up 'fore heading out. Good thing I did."

"Wait, you aren't gonna go see Stan?" Wendy asked in surprise.

"Naw, he hasn't called me back, and I don't wanna just drop in unannounced. Lord knows what Stan's doing. Probably sitting around watching those historical dramas he pretends he don't, but you never know," Billie replied, rolling her shoulders as she looked around. Wendy's face pulled into a confused look. She like Billie, sure she was a bit rough around the edges, but she was cool. Aside from the fact that she was more than willing to help her skip out early sometimes, she had almost the same kind of salty charm Stan did. Though Stan was charming in a gruff kind of way where as Billie had a sarcastic kind of charm... she was pretty sure it was the southern accent that sold it. But there was something off about the woman today.

"You okay?" she asked, earning another charming smile.

"Finer than a frog hair split four ways, darlin'," she assured the girl, "It's been a long drive. Sometimes the glamorous lifestyle of a PI gets tiring," she said with a soft laugh. Wendy stared at her for a moment with her eyes slitted, that was bullshit and they both knew it. But before Wendy could call her on it her phone buzzed and she pulled it out to look at.

"Dad's here Tambry," she said and the goth girl nodded, "Thanks again Billie."

"I'll walk with you, darlin'. I was on my way out anyway," she said smoothly as she turned to lead the way out. Wendy just shrugged, knowing it was better than protesting. Soon enough, they were outside Dan's truck idling right by the doors.

"See yuh Billie," Wendy said as she pulled open the door, letting Tambry climb in first which she managed without ever looking up from her phone.

"Have a good evenin' girls. Stay out of trouble," the older woman  replied, glancing past her to Dan, whose brows were furrowed in confusion at her presence. Flashing him a smile she lifted her hand flashing him a six fingered wave, "Hey Dan," she said as she kept walking heading out to the parking lot and her bike.

"Billie," he rasped automatically in greeting as his daughter climbed in closing the door behind her, "What was that about?" he asked.

"Oh some creeps were hassling us and Billie scared them off," she told him calmly. Dan's eyes narrowed slightly at her words over protective feelings surging at the idea of someone messing with his daughter.

"Creeps?" he repeated, "Who?"

"Dad be cool, it's fine. I could have handled it, and besides Bille took care of it," the teenager sighed settling back in her seat. He considered pushing the issue but decided against it. Instead, he made a mental note to ask Billie about it when he saw her at the bar next.

"Seat belts," he boomed and Wendy rolled her eyes as she buckled up Tambry affirming she already had.

~*~

Billie slouched against the bar moodily working on her fifth beer. She’d been planning on just going out to Seattle. After all, if she kept moving she didn't have to think about anything besides keeping her bike on the road and away from cars. The snow storm, however, had different plans, in town it was a steady drifting fall but once she hit the base of the mountain it had turned into a full blown white out. And as self destructive as she could be she wasn't insane. So she'd landed at the Skull Fracture drinking away the last month. It was a quiet night no one but a few regulars; Bats and Cat (so named for his tattoos) were playing pool in the corner growling threats loudly at each other. Chin lounged at the table beside the door to check IDs if someone happened to venture in, and rowdy laughter drifted over from a few of the Scacr-O-Dacyles who sat BSing in the corner. She'd been invited to join Bats and Cat but had declined. For all the buzz about the place in town she actually liked it. While it could certainly get rowdy and fights were a dime a dozen on Saturday nights the regulars were good guys. She'd  brawled with most of them at some point or another in the last year and a half but after they always wound up laughing and drinking together. Good guys if a bit rough.

Still tonight was quiet which didn't do her much good. Billie had hoped to take her mind off her trip back to Georgia, but only managed to dwell on it. Groaning she shoved a hand through her hair as she took another drink.

"Ugh, how the hell did I get stuck with you?" she growled at her glass her mind drifting to the urn in her saddle bag, "An' what the hell am I supose ta do with yuh now?" she muttered. The call had come in when she'd been on her way to LA; Mary's parole office had found her with a needle in her arm. Billie had wished she was shocked at the news, but she wasn't. Her mother had been an addict in the truest sense, sure she got clean here and there but she always went back. The last time Billie had talked to her was a few years ago when she'd been 'born again', for the third time by Billie’s count. Billie had given her a chance though, told Mary if she stayed clean for six months she'd come visit. That visit hadn't happened. God had lost his appeal four months later. Two months longer then when she'd regained custody of Billie when she'd been 12 and four months sooner then when she'd invited Billie to see her baptized when she was twenty.

Still, Billie had been her listed next of kin, which meant her death had come a whole heap of problems. The woman's older children didn't even speak to her so all the debts, apartment, and arrangements had been left to her youngest. And while Billie had considered telling them to donate her to science and give away all her shit, she couldn't do that to her. As angry as she was there was still a small part of her that remembered eating ice cream at midnight and making blanket forts with her Mom when she was between benders. So for the first time in eight years Billie had gone back, and now she wished she hadn't.

She hadn't had a service or anything instead choosing to have her mother cremated, and after looking through the sad little apartment her mother had for anything of value she'd donated what she could and had a service come clean up the rest. The landlord had been a man so sleazy her skin had crawled and it took every ounce of self restraint she had not to punch him in his face when he'd demanded next months rent and the costs of repairs over the security deposit. Credit cards, pay day loans, and a court fees had run her a pretty penny but she'd made sure they were all taken care of.

And that had been the easy part. She'd also taken the time to call all five of her siblings to let them know; Vernon and Ivy hadn't even picked up, Emma May had hung up on her, and Jesse had laughed over the sounds of his girlfriend demanding to know who 'the bitch on the phone' was. Only her eldest brother Bo had shown any kind of feeling, he’d sighed sadly and asked if she needed help, though she knew his heart wasn't in it. He'd asked out of obligation, he was 11 years older then her and the first born so she knew he felt like he should be the one taking care of it. She'd assured him that she had handled everything, asked the obligatory 'how's the family's, answered his standard 'still doing the gypsy detective thing', and given the standard staying in touch niceties. Bo was a good guy, and honestly they were the only ones that ever spoke with each other even if it was only once every five years or so. Honestly, none of them had anything in common beside having been brought into the world by Mary. And after being separated in the system they had gone on to live their lives trying their best to find some sort of normality.

"Hey!" came a raspy voice pulling her from her internal brooding causing her to blink as she looked over to find Dan towering over her. Blinking again she flashed a smile up at him as she straightened up swiveling the bar stool to face him.

"Oh evenin' Dan," she drawled lazily as she glanced around him finding his perpetual shadow behind him, "Tyler you're in actual jeans...it must really be cold," she told the smaller man with a grin.

"Billie Jean! I didn't expect to see you again so soon. You finally deciding to move here?" he asked cheerfully causing her to laugh. She really liked the flamboyant little man, when he'd first met her he'd squealed in delight asking excitedly if her middle name was Jean. When she'd confirmed that it actually was she had thought he might explode with excitement insisting on calling her Billie Jean, something she hadn't been called since high school.

"Naw sug. Though if I ever decide to settle down this place is in the top contenders," she assured him finishing her beer, "What are you buys up to tonight?" she asked and Tyler laughed happily.

"I should hope so. It's a great place. I convinced Dan to play some pool. Wanna join?" he asked eagerly.

"Naw, I'm beat. Maybe next time," she told him and he nodded before bouncing off to call the table next and eagerly cheer both Bats and Cat on. Chuckling she stretched running her fingers through her hair again as she realized she was feeling the beers more then she'd thought, before looking up at Dan who still loomed over her. Raising a brow she cocked her head looking up at him. She liked Dan as much as Tyler, though he came off as a meat head with too much testosterone and shoulder hair he was actually a lot brighter then most people gave him credit for.

Sure he absolutely fit the name Manly to a tee, and took shit from no one, but shed had more then a few intelligent conversations with him. From the value of reforesting in the logging industry to him telling her that the weird rattle she kept hearing was the Hide Behind, she'd found him rather engaging even if he did deliver his points in a booming raspy voice that could blow out your ear drums. Plus, it was pretty endearing the way he watched out for Tyler.

Apparently, they'd been best friends since elementary school, and Dan really loved the enthusiasm enthusiast. She'd even seen him play wing man for his fabulous friend which had been priceless. She’d sat by and watch Dan distract a middle aged woman who had been all but begging him to take her home so Tyler could chat up her friend, a cute red headed bear of a man...obviously he had type. But what she liked best was he seemed like he was a good Dad; hanging out at the bar was something he did when all the kids were off somewhere safe and sound, and even then he never seemed to get good and drunk just in case he needed to switch into Dad mode. Something she could appreciate, and she guessed that had something to with him towering over her at the moment.

"I wasn't corrupting your daughter. Scout's honor,"  she told him raising two fingers.

"I know, she told me," he growled and she smiled wondering what it was then, "She said some guys were hassling them. Who?" he demanded and she chuckled. There it was, he wanted to know who he was hunting down.

"I dunno I didn't recognize them. Some James Dean wanna bes in leather jackets. They'd cornered them and were trying to get them to ‘show them around town’," she told him as she signaled for another beer, "She was holding her ground but she had...Tammy?" she hesitated trying to remember the goth girl's name.

"Tambry," he supplied and she nodded.

"Tambry hidin' behind her. They were pretty easy to scare off though. Still, I insisted on hanging around until you got 'em," she finished with a shrug as she caught the glass the bar tender sent sliding down to her, "If I see them again I'll let yuh know."

"Thanks," he said after a second, "For keeping an eye on Wendy that is. I know she can handle herself but...," he trailer off a bit awkwardly and she gave him an understanding  smile.

"'Course Dan," she said as Tyler shouted that they were up.

"Sure you don't wanna join?" he asked and she smiled shaking her head. Nodding, he turned and headed over to his friend. She watched him go out the corner of her eye. While she enjoyed Dan as a person she also enjoyed him as the world's biggest piece of eye candy too.  

Settling back against the bar she glared at her drink. It occurred to her that trying to drink away the feeling in her hadn't been the beat idea. While she wasn't drunk, she was certainly feeling it, and booze tended to make her short to begin with. But she had been out of pot for awhile and needed to do something. She knew that the mix of anger and sorrow was normal for grief, and she was self aware enough to know that she'd spent years repressing the complex emotions she had about Mary and that her death was trying to drag it all up again. But still she didn't want to deal with them now. She wanted to stuff them all deep inside and leave them there.

She didn’t want to wonder if she had forgiven her mother and spent more time with her if Mary would have cleaned up a bit. The question ‘Am I going to end up dead alone in some crappy apartment too?’ wasn’t one she wanted to ask herself. Facing the deep seated insecurity of not being a good enough daughter making Mary choose partying over her wasn’t a thing she wanted to do. Every time she’d angrily wished her mother dead, and all the nights she’d spent wondering if she was broken since even her own mother didn’t love her swirled around inside her. If only she had some kind of magic memory ray to erase it all...to delete everything to start fresh tomorrow with out all the damage she carried. Taking a drink she caught someone leaning against the bar next to her as well as movement behind her.

"Hey, you're the one who ruined our fun earlier," came a smooth voice. Setting her drink down she turned to find the James Dean wanna be staring down at her, and realized his two friends were now flanking her. Calmly she glanced at the other two before turning back to the leader who was looking down at her with a predatory grin.

"But I'll tell you what. Since we're such forgiving guys you can make it up to us. How about we have a few drinks and then you and us can see where the evening goes. Maybe find a way to keep us all warm," he leered and she realized he was staring down her shirt. Cocking a brow she wondered if this guy was for real, if he seriously thought she was going to take this. Looking him up and down as he leaned casually against the bar and looked like he owned the place it hit her. She was the only woman in a bar full of bikers and roughnecks, he and his friends assumed they were alphas in the situation. That because she was sitting alone in a room full of men who all oozed testosterone no one would object to them objectifying her. But man had they read the place wrong, while the regulars were certainly less then civilized by most standards none of them were animals when it came to women. Letting out a low chuckle she sat up cracking her neck as she stretched. Glancing at the two that flanked her she returned her gaze to James Dean and smirked.

"Yuh actually think that's gonna work on me?" she asked taking a drink, "Listen son, even if I wasn't already in a piss poor mood I wouldn't keep you or yur flunkies warm if we was six feet deep. Anyone who tries to scare girls into goin' with 'em ain't worth the shit on the bottom ah my shoe," she told them cause the men to shift angrily around her but she just smirked as she stood rolling her shoulders. Displeased with her dismissal of him the scumbag pressed forward almost touching her as the other ones crowded around her. He was using his height to force her to look up at him but she just smiled catching movement behind him, glancing past him she saw Chin has stood from his stool beside the door very aware of the situation. Raising her hand slightly she signaled she had this and he stilled not sitting down but trusting her for the moment.

"You got a smart mouth bitch. Maybe we should teach you how to use it," he threatened and she let out a bark of laughter in his face which only served to piss him off more. Good, she needed to blow off some steam.

"Oh bless yur heart, huh really don't realize how fucked you are do you?" she asked her tone dripping with southern condescending, "Maybe if you weren't so busy trying to intimidate women into yur bed y'all'd've realized you picked the wrong bar to do that in. In fact, y'all picked the wrong town, an' y'all certainty picked the wrong girl," she chuckled.

"Oh really?" he asked glancing sarcastically around, "Because there's three of us and you don't seem to have any friends. So why don't you think this through. We can have some fun and make nice," he offered and she laughed again causing his face to contort in frustration. It was clear he was use to women submitting to them...scumbag.

"Oh honey I got plenty a friends here. But no, I meant at the mall," she informed him raising her fingers to her lips and letting out a loud whistle causing the whole bar to fall silent. The dawning realization that they'd fucked up that was creeping into his face was priceless as she looked over her shoulder to Dan and Tyler who stood beside the pool table staring at her. The look on his face told her that he was already piecing together what was going on and she grinned.

"Hey Dan these are the assholes that were hassling Wendy," she called and the snap of the pool cue as his fist clenched around it sounded like a gun shot in the silence. All at once every pair of eyes turned to the men who surrounded her the hate tangible, before they all looked over to Dan. Well, actually they all turned to the little man beside Dan. Raising a brow Billie looked at Tyler who’s eyes narrowed in anger as he stared at the men around her.

“Get ‘em,” he said softly rendering his verdict to everyone. With those words what was going to happen became clear. Turning back to the scumbag towering over her she felt the acid grin splitting her face.

"Thanks hun. I've been lookin' ta hit something all day," she told him before snapping her hand up to the side of his head and slamming it viciously into the bar. And with that all hell broke loose.

Twenty minutes later Billie panted slightly as she watched the three assholes get rolled out the door. Blood dripped from a split on her forehead and she could feel her left eye swelling already. In the split second after she'd slammed James' head into the bar his two friends had jumped her landing solid hits to her face and chest and the world had gone red. After that it was a blur of fury and pain as she and Dan had beat the living hell out of them. She had taken out every ounce of rage she'd built up over the last month on the poor bastards until finally Dan had dragged her off them, probably so she wouldn't beat them to death. Looking down at his arm that was wrapped around her waist she pushed gently on it.

"Uhh Dan you can put me down now," she told him and he looked down at her skeptically, "I'm not rabid I won't attack," she assured him. Grunting he set her down on her feet and he frowned as she stretched.

"Uhhhh you okay?" he asked raising a brow at her and she sighed nodding. It was obvious that he wasn't just talking about physically. While Billie was always up for a fight she was never out of control. But tonight she had gone insane, and now she was just exhausted. All of her anger had been channeled into her hits leaving her feeling nothing but a strange kind of hollow sadness. Still she put on a charming smile and shrugged.

"Yeah, rough week," she told his dismissively. He opened his mouth to say something but her phone began blasting an air raid siren from under a bar stool. Thanking God for the excuse to avoid any further explanation  she dove for it flipping it open.

"'Ello," she chirped wiping at the blood seeping down into her eye.

"WHERE ARE YOU?!" Stan thundered causing her to pull the phone away from her ear, "I'VE CALLED YOU FIVE TIMES. YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH! YOU SAY YOU'RE IN TOWN BUT NEVER SHOW UP?!" he raged, "IT’S A GOD DAMN BLIZZARD OUTSIDE!"

"You never called me back to say I could crash with you," she snapped and the silence on the other end was slightly threatening.

"I told you last time to just come in," he told her, "Now get your ass over here before you get snowed in," he barked before he hung up the phone. Looking down at the cell phone she snapped it shut and shook her head. Well, guess it was time to start walking cause she sure as hell wasn’t in any shape to drive.

~*~

Stan sat glaring at some late night documentary on the manufacturing of mud flaps played on the screen. It was almost midnight and Billie still hadn’t showed up, he’d called her 45 minutes ago. It wasn’t that he was worried about her or anything he was just cranky that the woman was keeping him up. He’d spent the last two days down in the basement with that damn portal and unsurprisingly gotten no where. So when he’d come up to find the answering machine blinking he’d been glad for the distraction, if a bit surprised to hear she was back so soon. But after listening to the messages he had gotten a bit concerned, the last few times she’d come for a visit she hadn’t asked if she could stay, she’d just told him she would be there. And he’d told her that she was always welcome. But suddenly she was acting like he might turn her away. Had he done something last visit to make her feel like she was no longer welcome? He didn’t think so.

But then when he tried to call her she hadn't picked up, which was weird, the woman was attached to that damned cell phone like if she missed a call she might die.  Seriously, it was like the thing shocked her every time it rang. When she’d finally picked up he was pretty sure that he’d heard the sounds of the Skull Fracture in the background. And the bar was only about ten minutes away so what was taking her so long? Looking outside he could see the snow was falling more heavily then it had been an hour ago. The plows wouldn’t be out until the morning either which only served to make him even more agitated.

She only ever rode that bike of hers and if she had skidded off the road she had no shelter. She could have been hurt or worse. He trusted her to know her limits, and he knew that she never really got hammered. She had a few beers at most and had walked back the few times she had felt she wasn’t able to be safe, but the snow was a different story. Even seasoned drivers could get in trouble in it.

“Damn it Stanley you should have gone and got her,” he growled to himself, “You idiot. What were you thinking? You know she doesn’t have a car,” he berated his anger manifesting in self loathing, “Stupid worthless old man.”

As he stood to go get dressed so he could go out looking for her a knock came on the front door sending him charging towards it like a bat out of hell. Relief washed over him as he wrenched the door open ready to demand to know what the hell was wrong with her, but the sight before him left him speechless.

Billie stood on the porch snow clinging to the messy black braid of her hair and the shoulders of her fur lined parka. Her jeans were soaked through to the knees where she’d obviously trudged through the snow. Still sticky blood coated one side of her face from a large gash on her forehead, her left eye was half swollen shut and blackening quickly, and her bottom lip split and seeping blood. Her skin was even paler then normal from cold or blood loss and her jaw was bruised and angry looking. Staring at her he felt his heart stop in his chest, he should have gone and got her. She’d obviously crashed on her way over and had to walk here, he needed to get her to the hospital. There was no telling how badly she was hurt, she could be bleeding internally, or have broken bones and only be standing because of shock. She could be dying and it was all hi fault. Stupid worthless old man, he should have gone and gotten her.

“Holy Moses, are you okay? What happened?” he finally managed to bark as he reached a hand towards  her pulling her into the house. She was freezing, he could see her shivering and her lips were tinted blue. Good god he need to get the keys to take her to the hospital. “Stay there I’ll get my keys. We have to…,” he began but she cut him off.

“No,” she said her voice thick with pain as she caught his hand with hers. Her skin was like ice, and he noticed her knuckles were bruised and bloody, “No,” she repeated and he stopped looking down at her. Something was wrong, the Billie he’d come to know always had a cocky manner, head held up defiant to the world, sharp eyed and ready to take on the world. But now…she didn’t look like the hell cat that was his daughter. Instead she looked…like a lost little girl. Her shoulders slumped, one arm hugging herself, and big green eyes watery with unshed tears. He looked like he’d felt so many times in his life; lost, alone, and broken. Now, utterly confused he stood looking at her and wondering what the hell he was suppose to do. For a second she stood motionless before shaking her head and moving like she was going to leave. Catching her hand he stopped her, he couldn’t let her go back out there in her current state.

“Billie…what happened?’ he asked again unable to think of anything else to say, “Hey. It’s okay. I’ve been around the world. Whatever it is I’ll understand,” he said echoing the words he’d said so many years ago. He didn’t know what was wrong but this time he wasn’t going to fuck it up again. He refused to loose his daughter like he’d lost his brother, “Come on kid, you’re freaking me out.”

“I…I…Mary died and I had to go back to Georgia. And none of the others seemed to care. And I…I tried to just forget, but it didn’t work. An’ I came here because…I dunno. And I went to the bar but then I beat up James Dean and….and,” she spewed as tears began pouring from her eyes before she lunged forward and hugged him so tightly it almost hurt as she buried her face in his chest. Blinking Stan stood for a second staring down at her as she sobbed quietly into his chest, “I don’t wanna die alone Stanford,” she whimpered into his chest and something in him broke a little as he wrapped his arms around her.

“I know kid, but it’ll all be okay I promise,” he told her his own voice a bit choked. What else could he say? He’d never been good with word or feeling so he just decided to let her cry it out. After all he couldn’t do anything else for her besides be a caring ‘uncle’.

For a while they just stood there; Billie crying softly into his chest as she let out all the grief she’d been holding in and Stan letting her. Finally, she took a step back scrubbing at her eyes and staring at his feet embarrassment washing over her. She must look like an idiot, showing up on his door step crying like a little kid. Sniffing she rolled her shoulders the beating from earlier staring to set in as her body ached along with her heart. Her eyes were puffy and itchy from all the crying and her throat sore from the walk in the snow. She realized she was exhausted in every possible way and looked up at him to find him staring at her hesitantly.

“Feel better?” he asked finally and she gave a jerky nod.

“Yeah…thanks Stan,” she said shoving her hands in her pockets, “So…I’m gonna invoke the girdle rule here.”

“The what?” he asked his face contorting in confusion.

“The fact that you wear a girdle. You know it’s a thing. I know it’s a thing. But we don’t talk about it and pretend it never happened,” she told him and he couldn’t help but let out a huff of laughter.

“Alright, alright I get it,” he told her and she gave a weak smile, “Now not to sound too bossy or anything but you should go get cleaned up and take some aspirin. Probably wanna ice that eye too. Cause it looks like James Dean beat you up not the other way around,” he told her and she let out her own laugh. Nodding he turned to head into the kitchen for the first aid kit and a glass of water for her. She was going to need it.

“Yeah, yeah,” she said as she dragged herself towards the stairs only to pause on the first step, “Really, thanks Stan,” she said not looking at him.

“Sure thing kid. That’s what family is for,” he said not turning from his path to the kitchen. Smiling she nodded as she headed up stairs.

[hastalamiana]

Surrender

Like most artists I am going to say my best work stems from moments of melancholy. Its a sad truth, but one I am coming to realize. 

Merriam Webster provides the following definition for Surrender:

a :  to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand surrendered the fort b:to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

There are many times in life where we must face this reality. I can think of a few times myself where I was forced to surrender. The most difficult of those times being when I brought my daughter into the world. Those of us who choose to have children without anesthesia are all to familiar with surrendering to the process. There comes a point where you are overcome by pain and the only option is to get the baby out. Literally thats it. The baby has to come out. So you surrender to the pain and the process and you push and push until the baby is out and (hopefully) screaming. Then just like that you enter into a whole new phase of womanhood and life. 

When you experience the death of a loved one, there also comes this moment of surrender. In psychology they refer to this as “Acceptance” Depending on where you look you will learn there are 5-7 stages of grief (For purposes of this blog I will use only 5). First denial. Then Anger. Next up bargaining. Depression sinks in and then... Acceptance. You accept or surrender to the fact that your loved one will never physically be with you in the form they were once in. 

Today... today I am not surrendering to labor pain or loss of a loved one. Today I am surrendering to the pain of a relationship. I thought I had done this before but I am finally starting to feel like there is no fight left in this dog. Just after New Years 2016 I found out that I was single. I say I found out because apparently I had been single for a few months prior, but I was still under the gaze that I was in a relationship. 

Story time:

Near the end of October I drove about 22 hours nonstop from California to Washington state to be with my sons dad as he was undergoing the second part of a knee surgery he had earlier in the year. It seems like from the time I got there the trip may have been doomed. All the details aren't necessary but the trip did end up with me leaving prematurely and that was apparently the end of our relationship. I have a hard time with being shut out and if it happens for more than a couple hours the possibility of me reverting to abandoned, 8 year old Miana skyrockets. So needless to say 8 year old Miana made an appearance and I felt like I needed to go. The act of leaving was adult Miana saying “ Girl if you don't feel like you are wanted or needed you have the resources to go... and thats what I did. By the time I made it back to California I realized that I could have handled the situation differently and that running isn't the answer. So naturally I called my man (well shit I thought he was my man) and we had a really good conversation and I thought we were all good. I mean there are going to be challenges in any relationship and we were still learning each other, so this was one obstacle we overcame together and we were on the verge of continuous growth together... Again this is what i thought. Well, wrong homegirl. Fast forward a couple months me and the baby go up again to visit for the Holidays and bae is being really distant. Like not a hug or kiss kind of distant. So naturally I am hurt... I am only a few months postpartum so Im super conscious about my post baby body and what not... Any who, we didn't speak much during my 6 or so days there, so naturally I break down on the ride to the airport. And his response is “I just don't want to lead you on” 

“I don't want to lead you on” like Im some chick he met at the club and took back to the crib but didn't want to spend the night after we got busy kind of deal. If I wasn't hurt before, this was the icing and sprinkles on the cake, I spent the next few days crying. Sad about the break up. Devastated that I am a single mother of 2. And legit just confused about it all. 

Now I have these two kids I have to pretend to not be in pieces for. I was living with my mom because our plans to move in together obviously weren't happening... so i also have to pretend to not be devastated in front of my mom and brothers, all the while I am a complete and absolute wreck inside. The Earth doesn't stop spinning because Im sad so I keep going. I wake up everyday and do what needs to be done. Fast forward to August. So its time for me to start working, I take my baby boy to Houston to stay with his dad when I go interview and what do I learn? TO my surprise he has a girlfriend. sigh. So I go to my interview completely stressed the F**k out and more anxious than ever wondering about this girl. Has she been around the whole time? Is this why he didn't want to be with me (y'all know I was cheated on before so my mind won't let me rule this option out)? What does she look like? How serious are they? Where did they meet? The list goes on and on. Then pieces of the puzzle start to fall in place. I haven't been this hurt in a while. All this time I am thinking there is a hope we will get back together and he moved on. 

Of course I have 1000 questions so I start asking. It doesn't go well and lets just say I ended up at the airport 6 hours early for my flight. :-( 

Now its time for me to start work. My new job required I do an extensive year of traveling so at just 14 months old I left my sweet baby with his dad and started working. This was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do and again another moment of Surrender. Handing over a child that I grew in my womb and spent a full year with day and night. Yes he was going with his dad but this was still very very difficult. We survived though. Getting back to it. So now we are in about December and I find out the girlfriend is in town. I expressed before it was important for me to meet her if she was going to be around our child. So it happened. I was not happy about it but it happened. Now I know she is real and Ive seen her in the flesh. Another moment of surrender. 

Despite all of this in the back of my head there was always a glimmer of hope. just a small little voice telling me not to give up because maybe the girlfriend will go away and we can work things out. Why, some may ask? Because I am naturally optimistic and I can't seem to help myself. Plus this is my family I am fighting for. Like something I have wanted since I was a little girl, to have a family that loves and celebrates one another. 

I have always believed that Love will conquer all. We can work out this relationship and bring our family back together because Love. I’ve apologized, cried, reflected, grown, cried some more and through it all I have loved like no other. But yesterday when I went to go get my sweet baby boy and I saw her car parked in the stall I think my heart was crushed for the final time. And yesterday night I realized it was yet again time to surrender. 

Time and time again he has made it clear that we will not be a we. Time and time again I have prayed and fought for us to be a we. I have my reasons. Mainly because I want better for our kids (the one we share and the two others) I want to break the cycle of broken families. I want to show our children what it feels like to be in a house with two loving parents because neither of us had that. I want to prove that time and love can heal all wounds and not matter who we decide to be with there will always be something but we can work through it together. I want to be able to tell the children stories of endurance and we persevered. 

But now. After more than a year of fighting... my heart has grown weary and realize what has become. It is time to surrender yet again. Throw in the towel. Come into acceptance. 

[editorialsonlife]

April

Well, April was a month!! It disappeared so quickly. And now its may, and I’m on another ridiculously turbulent flight down to Dunedin this time - first time ever going there! So I shall write a life update to distract myself in the interim.

I also ate best ugly bagels at the airport and got jam on my screen so it’s all sticky. Bad planning yo.

Oh April! We started off with three days up in auckland for work. Damn was I hanging out for those three days, in the peace and quiet of a hotel room, away from everyone and normal life and the office and dare I even say it, Dave. And it was lovely. The humidity was most definitely not! But it was great getting to be up there and hanging out with people and getting to know their jobs a bit better as well. I got a lot of stuff done and it was so good to just be able to walk out of the office and go home and not have to be anything to anyone and just journal and watch what I wanted to on Netflix and so much other good shit.

The downside was I got sick - boo. Got back to Wellington and a cranky boyfriend and oh my god this plane wants to kill us all. Jeepers.

I went to a first aid course the next day deaf in one ear, and by the time I got to work on Friday could hardly hear in either ear! Anyway, ear infections usually clear up quickly for me which is good because then it was HOLIDAY TIME!! and by holiday I mean road trip up north to Taupo and Rotorua and Auckland. Primarily for Auckland zoo and Kelly tarltons because let’s be real all Dave and I care about are cute fluffy animals. Except, then, on top of everything else arrives a chest and sinus infection. #allclass #gobigorgohome

Which actually turned out to not be such a disaster because it meant we actually slowed the f down, and didn’t try and cram a million things in and we didn’t feel bad about staying in bed til 9am every day and going to bed early. So we spent a lot of time in hot pools and just wandering slowly and I went on swings in every single city we went to. Man, swings are just so much fun! I seriously want a decent set in our back yard.

Taupo was lovely and we had such nice weather. I really like it as a laid-back country kinda vibe. Its a great place to mosey round and read some books and just relax. Quest was awesome too. Both of us were just so excited to have a big bathroom again!! Honestly, its so the little things in life that make you happy. We also had a washing machine and dryer as well which was fabulous!

We drove up to Auckland on the Monday and oh my god, so many roadworks. We hadn’t even made it to Auckland and both of us were just like, f living here ever (no offence aucklanders, but your traffic is shit and your city is so badly laid out). Auckland zoo was cool but OH MY GOD so many freaking rat???? Like, literally ever single enclosure had multiple rats in it!! It turned into spot the rat not the animals actually there. And proper big, 20 cm long body rats, not little field mice or anything. Groooosssss.

And then to make it the perfect storm of health things, I got my period on the drive up, LOL. poor Dave, he never gets laid on holiday. I don’t know we always manage it but we do. Crack up.

The hotel was good, the fact it had two bedrooms was awesome and we had a washing machine in our room as well?? Nailed the washing on this trip, honestly. I basically wore the same three things the whole time. #lazyas

We decided Waiheke was too far (lol, that’s how lazy we were) so we did Devonport instead which was lovely. And had a great playground with fab swings (a+ recommend if looking for swings in Auckland)

Omg this plane is rocking like a boat it’s the weirdest sensation.

We also went to Kelly tarltons where we bought Bruce, a massive soft toy shark!! He’s so amazing, he’s my new cuddle buddy at night, he’s almost as long as I am. Poor Steve has been demoted (Steve being the dugong Dave and I bought on our first ever trip overseas to Sydney). It was hilarious because we went on the morning that tropical cyclone cook was meant to hit Auckland and they were banging on about how terrible it was going to be for Auckland so everyone mass evacuated (sensible, because if our office up there is anything to go by, no one had emergency kits or would know how to get home if anything actually went wrong). So everyone is stocking up on groceries and water and food, and then there’s me and Dave wandering up Queen Street after going to a pharmacy for more drugs (Dave was sick too by now) and me with a giant soft toy shark. We got some odd looks man. It was great! We went back to the hotel and celebrated by watching finding Nemo waiting for the worst of the weather to pass. After that we went to town and played minigolf and got burgers for dinner. All in all it was a very us five year anniversary. Speaking of which, we had our five year anniversary WHAAAAAAAAATTTT where did those five years even go?!?! God I love that boy.

The next day we joined the rest of Auckland evacuating for easter weekend and it took 6 hours to get to Rotorua (usually 2.5). So stupid. Dave was definitely sick because at that point for the first time ever he actually slept in the car. Crazy. It was a really fun drive though Google maps took us on all these mental back roads that were flooded and had trees down and fun crazy stuff so I had a good time. We spent a night in rotovegas with my mental family which was lovely and my uncle finally gave me a prescription for antibiotics (cheers to having a doctor in the family). We went back to Taupo for another night and cruised on home.

It was all rather lovely, despite being so sick.

And then it’s been back to work and the busyness and the rest of life.

One of the best things about April was doing my best to deal with the small things for my mental health, which has been pretty shaky over the last 8 weeks. I knew that after my birthday I needed extra help because #life and not coping, and I found a fucking AMAZING naturopath who I just love so much. She’s been so helpful and supportive. I went to her originally for my anxiety and crazy overthinking and she does homeopathic stuff and whatever she gave me fixed it within a week. Well, fixed it as in it took away the total panic from the overthinking, not that the anxiety has gone away but the whole ‘sky is falling down feeling’s disappeared enough to allow some rational thought back in. I went back on Anzac Day (bless her, she came in for an appointment just for me because we couldn’t make a workday work) and was like, so you said responsibility like, 40 times the other week, let’s look at that, and now we’re working through my hating the system feeling, and dealing with all the suppression that came with working at shit old job and various other life situations.

One of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now is hating the system that society has designed. like, who the fuck ever thought it was a good idea to work 40 hours a week and create a world where people can’t achieve self fulfillment and why don’t we let people work to their natural strengths and why do you have to own a house to be an adult and all this other fucking nonsense. And how do you live a life of your terms but also somehow within the system and cultural norms as well because I don’t want to be an outsider but there’s so many things I don’t agree with and how are so many people ok with sneidng kids to school hungry each day and just, whyyyyyyyyyyy do we all exist and why have we created this inequity and inequality in life?! Like, I don’t get it and I don’t know how to live in it and I don’t know how you’re meant to bring kids up ok this and so many other things ya know.

So just like, not tackling the big issues or anything at all.

Actually, I was watching Moana on Saturday night and just bawling my eyes out because its so reflective of life - the world is telling you to be this and this and this and this and somehow you have to find the courage to be like, nah, fuck off mate, I’m Gunna go sail my ship far away from y'all and see what needs doing somewhere else.

So Sophie, god bless her soul, I absolutely love her, and she tells me I’m not crazy, and I’m not losing my shit, and that while there’s not necessarily an answer we can still deal with it and cope with feelings and also she’s been there and done that and that it will get better.

And I’m so, so grateful I’ve found her. I’m also grateful for all the ladies in my life who have put up with these brutally honest conversations in my life, and let me cry over lunch, and who are working through all their own things and still manage to hold space for me, and who create space for laughter and silliness as well. I’m so grateful for Dave who is willing to just ride the wave with me and go with it. That boy puts up with so much from me and just takes it and goes with it and doesn’t complain. Work has likewise been amazing. I told my boss I was losing my shit internally and I was going to be disappearing for a few hours each week to sort myself out and he was so upset with himself because he’d asked how everyone else was doing but he hadn’t asked me how I was. Even more so he was like, what can we do for you, do you need work from home days, do you need time in other offices, do you not want to travel, just let me know what you need and I will make it happen. Which was fucking lovely.

I also took a month of fitbit and stressing about my weight and I bought new clothes that make me feel good and it’s so much nicer than loathing yourself every single day and cramming yourself into something too small and pretending like it’s ok.

PRAISE BE JESUS WE HAVE FINALLY LANDED.

I apologise for all the typos, I’ll try and fix them at some point. That was a seriously bumpy flight. Amen for antianxiety pills that make it all ok.

Now I just have to turn around and do it all again in 10 hours time.