#you know what once i have time I'm gonna make a text post about train au i need to start just posting my thoughts out there without a care

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

Gordon and Edward, Part 3

As Lady is my witness, I will never take more than 500 words to ever answer a simple ask again 🫡 Enjoy this last hurrah of hyperlexia!

Part 1: Gordon, what's your damage? 😭 / The Doylist Reason / Rent. Free. 

Post 2: Edward's Defences / Gordon's Growth

Post 3 (this post): Collision / Uh… Cleanup Crew?

Collision

Folks take Main Line Engines Edward and Gordon as a glimpse into just normal day-in-the-life stuff for them. It's not. It's the culmination of 40+ years of their shit. (From a Doylist perspective, it's also the last time Awdry would ever visit this dynamic – it's the last time any Awdry would, in a proper RWS book – and he seems to have known it.) 

So, cue scene: "Wrong Road." Here we are, late evening, chilling on a couple of sidings somewhere outside Tidmouth station. The text puts this setting in a sort of void. I’d assume our heroes are taking on coal or water or something, as after this they report to the station for their trains. But that’s not for a bit yet. Right now we’re chilling. Eddie and Gordo. Great old friends. 

All right, that might have been sarcastic if we were setting this scene in the ‘20s, but this is now 1964 or -65 (depending on just how rapidly you think The Author and his publishers beam these stories out there). Don’t be so cynical, dear reader. Time has passed. 

This is Gordon matured. In his prime. He’s an Evolved Being these days (still capitalizes random things in his head, though). He has come to recognize that, grand and mighty though he is, relationships are important. He's been reminded of this just recently, in fact, what with his old driver retiring. (How's he doing with the transition, you ask? Wonderfully. No one copes with change better than Gordon the Big Engine. No one!) And so he’s going to make an effort here to find something to chat about with Edward. Even if Edward is kind of a queer old fellow, one of his tougher relationships. They don’t often see eye-to-eye on things, you see. But Evolved Being Gordon values his relationships, so, goddammit, he puts himself out there. Truly, he has a certain respect for Edward for never being drawn into Gordon’s lead on things. Like, it’s irritating – very – but Gordon can acknowledge that this is because, in his own way, Edward is something sort of like a leader, and indeed on occasion Gordon has had cause to admit to himself, after the fact, that Edward may have been right. Once. Or even twice. Anyway, their differences make things tricky and a bit distant, but Gordon still values the relationship. Enough to make an effort.

And! Tonight, he has a commonality for them to bond over. Something that’s been bugging the hell out of him and that surely must be worrying Edward, too. 

"It's not fair," grumbled Gordon. "What isn't fair?" asked Edward.  "Letting Branch Line diesels pull Main Line trains." 

Coz diesels, amirite? 

I cannot emphasize enough that Gordon makes this conversational gambit in good faith. He knows that Edward has had insecurities about being replaced before. Edward’s been dealing with The Fat Controller letting this diesel lurk around on his Branch Line for some while. And now Gordon and the others are facing the same threat! Gordon can genuinely carp to Edward about this and fully expect sympathy! Then after that Gordon can offer sympathy, too! They have a common interest, huzzah!

Gordon is sure that tonight he is getting a good grade in Friendship. 

Then - 

"Never mind, Gordon. I'm sure BoCo will let you pull his trucks sometimes. That would make it quite fair."

Needle scratch. 

From Gordon’s perspective: WTF just happened here? Edward’s… Edward’s teasing him, isn’t he? 

Now, look. Part of Gordon’s maturation is that he has accepted that he is part of the great karmic circle of life. Some days you’re the champ, and some days you take the L and just have to graciously accept that everyone else is gonna enjoy their victory laps. He’s used to this. He can handle it with good grace, indeed. 

However: 

1) Is that… is that what’s going on? IS Edward zinging him? Gordon’s pretty sure. He’s familiar with the experience ("never trust domeless engines! teehee"). But Edward does like to take his shots with an angelically serious face, which Gordon always finds confusing and a bit annoying. No one else bothers to disguise it when they’re laughing at him, and Gordon has learned to take it well (well, take it without melting down). But he does wish Edward would be more direct about it. Because… is that what’s going on here??

2) And, if it is… WHY? What the hell just happened? You tease someone after they fucked up and you’ve won this round. Did something just happen in the time it took Gordon to blink? What was the round? How did Gordon fuck up? They were having a perfectly amiable conversation like one bloody second ago! Garrrrgh. 

(This is the whole problem with Edward, Gordon harrumps to himself. What is ‘this’, you ask? Well, if Gordon could explain it, it wouldn’t be such a problem now would it!)

Well, where he went wrong is utterly baffling to Gordon. But it’s clear as day to Edward, and pretty obvious to everyone he tells (and he seems to manage to relate this story to at least some parties within an extraordinarily short window of time…) The others may only tease when they’re in a position of strength. Edward’s playful teasing is not necessarily a sign that he’s comfortable; it’s a defense mechanism. When Edward is comfortable and relaxed with other engines, he tends to be practical-minded (job swap time!) and/or very much 100% in earnest (“I was pleased to hear your happy whistle yesterday”). Teasing is something he resorts to in order to find or restore equilibrium. So he’s not trying to signal that he’s “won” anything, but he is trying to win the exchange and turn the tables on Gordon in a moment when Gordon’s superior, dismissive attitude towards an engine rubs Edward the wrong way. Gordon thinks Edward will relate to him; they’re both steam engines who go way back, after all. Instead Edward instinctively relates to whatever engine Gordon is talking down. He probably would even if he hadn’t already made friends with BoCo - and he has. (This is another thing Gordon can’t fathom. Edward’s intuition lets him find and form friendships way faster than Gordon can comprehend warming up to anyone. To Gordon this feels like disloyalty.)

So Edward’s already lowkey annoyed - ‘Oh, Gordon’s being Gordon again’ - even as Gordon unconsciously stomps on the old, old wound that Edward still carries from the far past when Gordon would talk down him. Gordon doesn’t do that to him these days, but he’s still out here doing it to other engines and Edward dislikes it. A lot. 

But, because it is Gordon and Edward just isn’t comfortable enough to communicate with him in any sort of straightforward way, Edward once again pretends not to be bothered - even as he deliberately turns the tables on Gordon, playfully suggesting something he knows Gordon will hate as a fair solution to the problem. 

Winding Gordon up is so much easier and safer than, like, actually communicating with him. 

And so Edward does. He knows that when he pulls this sort of passive-aggressive move that it leaves Gordon pleasingly unsettled. 

What Edward may not understand is that Gordon really is genuinely out of his depth. It’s not clear to Gordon whether Edward is joking or not - and, unfortunately, wherever this notion appeared from, The Fat Controller does tend to call things Edward’s way so the fact that Edward has a bright idea really could imply that it’s going to become reality in a bafflingly brief amount of time. 

At any rate, Gordon deals with what seems to him this sucker punch out of nowhere by resorting to his old well-worn defense mechanism - his superiority complex. To soothe his confusion and his own hurt feelings (why is Edward laughing at him? how did Gordon just lose a game that he didn’t even know he was playing? what in Gresley’s name is Edward all the sudden trying to PUNISH him for?) Gordon grabs and flaunts his superior importance and breeding as a trump card: 

Gordon spluttered furiously. "I won't pull BoCo's dirty trucks. I won't run on Branch Lines."

(Gordon needs the comfort of this sort of boast, maybe needs to say it to convince himself.)

"Why not? It would be a nice change." "The Fat Controller would never approve," said Gordon loftily. "Branch Lines are vulgar." He puffed away in a dignified manner. Edward chuckled and followed him to the station… 

Of course, the fact that Gordon instantly needs to resort to boasting and putting Edward down (ho-hum; anyone here have a branch line?) only confirms to Edward that he’s always been right not to put much trust in this new amiability between them. To Edward’s eye, he barely had to tap on it before it shattered. From Gordon’s point of view, Edward just did a lot more than tap on it - stomped on it rather. Still, it’s incredibly fair to my eye for Edward to conclude that he was right not to think Gordon’s latter-day changes run very deep, and to keep up his ‘laugh and pretend not to care’ tactic even as the scene closes.

It’s completely fair. Still, Gordon, I’m sure, never gave this baffling exchange a second thought after he left the platform that evening with his train (for the first time). As far as Gordon is concerned, Edward scored one off on him SOMEHOW, Gordon harrumphed and did a little tit for tat which is his goddamn right, and perhaps they both could have been a little more mature about it but at any rate that’s over. 

It was dark by the time the trains reached the Junction, and you can guess what happened – Edward went through on the Main, while Gordon was switched to the Branch… It took The Fat Controller several hours to sort out the tangle and pacify the passengers. In the end Gordon was left, with his fire drawn, cold and cross on one of Edward's sidings[...]  "No, Bill, this lot's useless for scrap. We'll take it to the harbour and dump it in the sea." Gordon was alarmed. "I am Gordon. Stop! Stop!"  The twins paid no attention. Gordon shut his eyes and prepared for the worst[...] 

After an absolutely terrible night and, somehow, a more terrible morning with what Gordon (not autistic at all btw!) sincerely regards as a genuine attempt on his life…  

Edward scolded the twins severely, but told Gordon it served him right. Gordon was furious. 

… Gordon encounters Edward again the next day only to be told that his whole harrowing experience, complete with the disrespect and the death threats from Edward’s own weird little industrial twin terrorists, ‘served him right.’ 

Gordon: 

WHAT?????? 

Gordon thinks that, at most, he got a little shirty the night before but that Edward literally started it. 

Edward, however, is taking a cool account of every sin Gordon has ever committed, up to and including Gordon being a drama queen about this whole ‘dump him in the sea’ business (I’m sure Edward could fathom taking the china clay twins seriously if he tried - if this were Duck coming to him with this complaint I’m sure Edward could make that leap of imagination - but this is Gordon. Edward doesn’t regard the twins as all that challenging and he’s not about to make an effort right now to understand the troubles of Gordon, who just last night had turned back the clock some thirty years in order to directly insult his branch line out of nowhere.) 

Basically: All the sudden, their old truce is in tatters. Both think that it’s the other’s fault – Edward reckons Gordon’s just proved it never meant much, while Gordon thinks Edward just spat on all his efforts for no reason at all that he can see. 

I am sympathetic to Gordon’s bafflement up to this point - I understand why Edward is blowing hot and cold like this, and I think he has a right to, but this hostile confusion and mutual pain was always going to be the inevitable result, sooner or later. 

But Gordon loses my sympathy real fast when he reacts to this development by… partying like it’s Vicarstown 1922:

(Note of course that while Henry and James gave Gordon an opening, their remarks were far more neutral – Gordon takes the opportunity to tank the entire vibe:) 

"Did you see him straining?" asked Henry.  "Positively painful," remarked James. "Just pathetic," grunted Gordon. "He should give up and be Preserved before it's too late."  "Shut up!" burst out Duck. 

Okay, yep. I am vividly reminded why kind little Edward, once-upon-a-time a very straightforward and transparent character, had to go and develop this entire fucky points-scoring communication style to begin with. 

But my proposal here is that this blow-up represents an aberration from their postwar relationship. They seemed to have moved on. They had at least 15 years of relative peace. The above scene represents something of a surprise twist (appropriate for a finale): Nah, they never did patch things up! They’re as fucked up as ever! 

Now, the previous paragraph was a place where I think that I am actually reading in concert with what Awdry’s writing. I do think he intended that as a bit of a twist. I think “Edward’s Exploit” is in a way meant to be a callback to those days, a deliberate “Edward’s Day Out/Edward and Gordon Part 2: Electric Boogaloo.” 

This whole book is, I think, meant to be a new as well as a final word on Edward’s character development. Hence, he shows us an Edward who throughout the book displays a new level of assuredness. We see his dynamic with Bill and Ben, introduced here for the first time. We’re shown that, far from fading away, he’s fast becoming besties with one of those newfangled diesels. And - well, you couldn’t really crown Edward’s character development without revisiting the Gordon dynamic, now could you? “Wrong Road” shows us the playful, teasing, never-fear-these-days-I-can-handle-Gordon-with-a-smile Edward we already met for the first time in “Cows,” but then for this go-’round Awdry takes it one step further: Edward no longer has to couch his disapproval of Gordon’s attitude indirectly, but can assert himself in a direct conflict. Edward’s never canonically scolded anyone before, but now we see he’s able to manage both titchy little saddletanks and Gordon Himself. The next time someone says Edward is a static character, I swear to Lady I am going to chuck this book at their head. That was a very deliberate character arc. And I love it! Lookit my sweet boy crack some skulls! Awesome! 

… it is, however, very depressing to me that we had to explode the apparent Edward+Gordon truce in order to achieve this. 

Mind you, Awdry thinks he resolved that conflict by the end of “Exploit.” I cannot emphasize this enough. Yes, Gordon reverted to his old tricks when Edward leveled up and told him off – but by the end of the story Edward’s wildly popular exploit has shut him up, so yay! It’s all good! 👍 👍

…

Oh, wait? You don’t think it’s so good? You feel like maybe you could use a bit more, before you felt like these two were on new and solider-than-ever ground? Like maybe this relationship needs a bit more than Gordon merely shutting up? Like you’d wish it to be deeper than Gordon apparently resigning himself to the fact that Edward is Always Fuckin’ Right, and Edward Always Fuckin’ Wins? Like maybe we haven’t really addressed the underlying problem here at all, maybe jealousy and pique and hierarchy was always their obstacle from Day 1? And so they can never compete their way out of this mess?

Yeah, weird. I feel like that too, somehow. 

However, this is what canon gives us. We can add some more to it, sure. But I do think it’s worth just… sitting with this for a while. Processing things. These are two characters who are flawed but who have such great qualities, as well, and there are these obvious points of connection and potential understanding, and you just feel like this could be a much richer relationship, instead of merely a decades-long tug-of-war. I mean, we go on to see it with Gordon and BoCo. (All right, obviously I’ll never admit BoCo is ‘just a diesel Edward.’ But for purposes of this particular essay, I’ll just say that… he’s not not a diesel Edward, y’know? They’re certainly goddamn similar enough that it’s incredible how close Gordon becomes with one of them and how, despite so much time and opportunity, he will forever be held at arms’-length with the other.) That relationship seems like one of genuine mutual support. Indeed the other remarkable thing that goes down in "Wrong Road" is that for once Gordon not only connects to someone without relying on the "benevolent patron" role, but indeed that he is the one who needs help – but he actually responds to it well and, instead of condescending to BoCo, he shows respect. And it seems so obvious that Gordon and Edward’s could have been like that too, but instead they’ve spent so long bothering each other despite a fair amount of good intention on each side. 

That’s how it goes sometimes, I guess. 

But hey, you know what. Maybe their relationship improved later, off-screen. Like maybe it had some space to breathe once The Author stopped poking around and fuckin’ writing about it. 

I’ve heard of wilder things. 

Uh, Cleanup Crew? 

"All three engines are now great friends." 

I think this famous conclusion is true – at least, it was true in 1945, at the height of their optimism and unity. However the tension in the Gordon-Edward leg of this triangle, seen from the beginning of canon, only ever gets worse. 

Honestly, the notorious TTRE stuff doesn’t strike me as all that bad. I read TTRE and I’m actually like, yeah sure, I can see how these two would move on to become friends. Honestly I can see it at the end of TTRE a lot more easily for Gordon and Edward than for Gordon and Henry - I feel like Gordon’s actually been a lot worse to Henry. Most of the red flags in this relationship – the aggressive ostracizing of Troublesome Engines and Edward’s backbiting and Taking Control of the Narrative – come later! And look, Gordon and Henry have their rough patches too. Henry the Green Engine is a terrible low point, Gordon was a flaming dumpster fire in his whistle story. But it’s also clear that Gordon and Henry do a lot of relationship repair, off-screen. We see continually how joined at the hip they are, we see them genuinely enjoying each other’s company, and it makes sense because we know they have interests and personality traits in common. 

In contrast, even though Gordon and Edward’s relationship seems more recoverable in theory, in practice nearly every interaction between them ranges from uncomfortable to actively hostile. There is never any repair, there’s only ever Edward managing to keep Gordon in check, and when you are constantly playing defense you might be able to make some sort of old working relationship creak and clatter on but you are never really getting close to each other either. If Henry needed an apology from Gordon, and I expect he did, then Henry spoke up and he got one. Edward is tougher than Henry, more independent. Which is good for him but one result from never moaning or complaining to Gordon about Gordon’s past offenses is that Gordon, oblivious and proud, is never going to take responsibility or make amends for them. Usually in real life I’d just be like 'good riddance!’ but this is fiction, lol, and despite this one major flaw Gordon truly is so valuable as a friend. But there’s no evidence to me that he ever really became one for Edward. Edward doesn’t hate him, I think sheer necessity and his capacity to understand others makes him genuinely fond of Gordon. But he doesn’t trust him, and because he doesn’t trust him he provokes Gordon to forever give him fresh reason to not trust him, and because of this no matter how well they can work together or chit chat this never becomes a mutually supportive relationship and, like… that’s sad. That’s real sad. By the end of TTRE I’m like ‘aww, this friendship could be cute.’ By the end of MLE I’m like ‘Family counseling, stat. Or just communicate solely through intermediaries for the rest of your life, that could work too.’ 

But Jobey. I don’t accept this. I imagine them as genuine friends and/or I straight-up ship them and LA LA LAAA I can’t heeeear youuuu. 

You’re perfectly welcome to do so, lol. I'd like to take a sad song and make it better, too. 

The one fortunate thing is that, after Main Line Engines, there is plenty of blank space where anyone can continue or add to the 2+4 story. I think one can plausibly fill in a happy ending. Gordon still has some character development after MLE. Edward doesn't, but I think he ought, and I can see a couple areas where he could. To make a happy ending for this dynamic convincing three things still do have to click into place. In no particular order: 

The narrative actually has to validate the good parts of Gordon's ethos (not the selfish parts - but the subversive/rebellious/engine autonomy parts) as a necessary complement to Edward's ethos.

Edward has to be willing to let himself be vulnerable in front of Gordon. 

Gordon needs to need Edward's help and then actually express gratitude afterwards. 

Shouldn't be too tough, honestly! The first has to be done by we the transformative-work fans; canon never did and never could. The third is especially easy because we do finally see Gordon doing this in Main Line Engines and again in his second book, High Speed Engine – it's just that both times it's with BoCo, lmao. Gordon's there. Gordon's ready. He just needs a plot point opportunity. To be honest the second is going to be the toughest nut to crack. Again, Edward is not shown to develop after MLE. For this dynamic, he's gonna have to. Just a smidge more. Unlike TVS, I don't think "Gordon is humbled" is going to be enough of a wandwave to make this right. I'm not interested in blame, I'm interested in them finding a groove that works for them. A relationship that doesn't need to make either of them smaller for it to work.

And it should be possible, to somehow get those boxes checked. Some factors are already very much in their favor: 

The Author is no longer sticking a mic in their smokeboxes and publishing the shit they say about each other every few years. 

We saw them have normal, comfortable interactions in 1952. We already know a level of mutual trust is possible.

Presumably more and more engines are coming to Sodor, making this older bond rarer and more important to them. 

They're good friends with each other's friends. 

Gordon's growth clearly takes some cues from Edward's example. Their outlooks are converging, not diverging.

(If we need to wait this long for something to facilitate this) Gordon getting knocked off the express in 2011 radically changed his lifestyle. 

So, I don't feel too despairing about this relationship. Hell, I kind of like to imagine that by the time the century turns they're able to laugh together and even mutually pitch caricatures of their old relationship missteps to the new writers lol. 

And their proposed smoothing-out and reconnection would have big thematic resonance. The early conflicts in canon often had to do with the Edward ethos and the Gordon ethos. Part of the reason those conflicts taper off is because both the characters mature, of course. But part of the reason is just that the external circumstances change. The world whole environment of the NWR changes, and when it does these two ethos are incorporated into a whole. They begin to merge and complement each other. Indeed, arguably a lot of the success of the railway's culture is because everyone figures out a way embrace both. Innit? I think so. And if you buy that interpretation (Awdry didn't, lol, but what does he know?) then this long and winding 2+4 road actually ends up as a very nice story. Best story never written, perhaps.

But, for all the promising signs for the post-MLE era, I would still love to see more fan content within the original RWS canon timeline that represents the high degree of textual tension between them (and uniquely between them) from the 1920s to the 1960s. It's messy as hell, I hate the discomfort and would-you-two-dumbasses-just-COMMUNICATE of it sooo much, at the same time it's extremely compelling. Very good food. Even if things have improved, I hope they're still sometimes Problematic and Passive-Aggressive. I hope newbies are occasionally stuck with them in the sheds when they trip over a sensitive old topic and these two oldies don't even look at each other but the temperature still drops like a falling snowcap and the most oblivious of the newbies is like "Uhh, guys? ? ? Real weird vibe in here!" 

And Henry and BoCo just look fuckin' exhausted, lmaoo. 

[glass-oranges]

Strange man who came to me in my dream as a TRAFFIC CONE

I'll talk about it more under the cut so look here if you want to hear about my dream ⬇️

Ok ok so like for starters if you've ever played Kirby and the forgotten land my dream felt like a crossover of that and portal and like aperture was really just an abandoned circus instead like wondaria and also I was Kirby in the dream

But like this core guy shade shows up at some point with one of his co-workers but I don't remember what they were talking about then he disappears to god knows where when he comes back hes human but looked like the villain from secret life of pets 2 with more hair ??

But like at some point in the dream it's chell's perspective and she like got out and is leaving the big ol like aperture circus tent thing and shade follows her outside (at this point he's a normal core again) and is like "congrats :) you can go home good job!!" And right afterwards fucking birds swoop down, grab him and fly away and right then was where I woke up like what the fuck

Oh and that's not all I took a nap yesterday and the only thing I vividly remember dreaming about was shade coming to me just to tell me he's made of recyclable materials

[onecentwriter]

dialogue prompts that give off ~chaotic vibes~

!!please credit me if you use any!!

"you idiot. now we're gonna die."

"american cheese. shitty yet addicting. kind of like my exes."

"everything would be a lot easier if you fucking sat still."

"careful. those aren't designed for idiots."

"tssk, tssk. what would jeff goldblum think of this?"

"if you're trying to manipulate me, it's not working."

"i'm about to say 'shut up' and if you respond with a ridiculously flirtatious 'make me' i will slap you."

"i congratulate you. to convince them is no small feat." *pause* "though you do have small feet."

"don't worry. it's not lethal. i think."

"hey, did you fall from heaven when you hurt--fuck."

"no, but i can speak greek. είσαι σκατά." [you are shit.]

"can i? of course. will i? nah bro."

"we're gonna die and your tombstone will be engraved with 'death by dumbassery.'"

"i had a cat once. his name was stewart. i trained him in the fine art of jiu jitsu."

"what do you mean most people don't carry multiple knifes on them at once?? what if there's an attack?? or an urgent need to cut lettuce??"

"i swear to god if you post this on twitter i will steal your kidney."

"ok. fine. maybe i am a dumbass. but you gotta admit i'm a hot dumbass."

"ah, canada." (that's it. that's the prompt)

"is. is that a grenade."

"abso-fucking-lutely not."

"you know, this reminds me of the time i met the president."

"sometimes, your stupid astounds me."

"yeahhhh no. we're not doing that."

"is there actually anything in your skull or is it just dust and dumbass?"

"gordon ramsay is such a mood."

"this would be romantic if you weren't you and i wasn't me."

"most people just send a text, you know."

"goddammit. how many fucking beans did you spill."

"the world could be ending and you'd still find time to livetweet the imminent destruction of reality."

"you look like shit."

"i can kill a man with my bare hands but i can't unscrew this goddamn jar--"

extra challenges:

use all 31 in one work.

write one prompt every day for a month.

use a random number generator and write 500 (or any set number of) words, and only that amount of words.

to add some spice to #3, set a timer!

if you like these prompts, check out my prompt blog!!

[sneakyneth]

I felt like expanding my introverted reader post

Price who after training rookies, going to missions, dealing with paper work and multiple stress factors just wants to stay at home with his lover but at the same time worries that they are gonna get bored staying in one place without doing anything.

Y/n: sooo... Do you wanna do something now that you have free time?

Price: *sigh* honestly love I just wanna stay here and relax but if wanna go out-

Y/n: NO!!! sorry, I mean, I would love staying here with you just the two of us ❤️

Price: you don't have to stay here and get bored.

Y/n: love I a hundred and ten percent prefer staying here at home that going outside dealing with people.

Ghost who after a really rough mission only wants to be alone but also wants to be with you so in reality he wants some quiet after the guns, the explosions, the screams, the noice of everything. but feels bad because he bets that you'll want to talk to him about your day and everything that happened while he was away but once he gets home and hugs you, you only tell him to get a bath and change into something more comfortable while you prepare something to eat.

The rest of the day is silent except for the sound of the TV but is so low that it can be ignore, he is glad that you are indulging him in the silence he wanted and that makes him even more guilty so he does the effort to talk

Ghost: so how was your day?

Y/n: shhh... We are in quiet time.

Ghost: what?

Y/n: It's obvious you want some silence and I gotta say I also want silence after what happened at work.

Ghost: what happened?

Y/n: I'll tell you later for now let's just enjoy ❤️

Gaz who wants to take you to a nice tea shop that he saw in social media but while you were getting ready your phone made a sound when you got a message.

Y/n: babe, can you check who is?

Gaz: it's your friend, they are asking if you want to go with them to a karaoke...

Seeing this Gaz felt bad that he was taking you to a boring tea shop when you could go to anywhere else and have fun with your friends, when you finished you took the phone from his hands and texted something to your friend.

Y/n: ok, let's go.

Gaz: wait, you are not going with your friend?

Y/n: nooou?... We have plans already.

Gaz: Don't worry about that, the tea shop it's something that I want to do, go have fun with your friends.

Y/n: first of all, who said that I don't want to go to the tea shop? Also they want to go to a karaoke, I don't think I can endure that, between the noise and the smell of alcohol, because I bet they are gonna order drinks, I prefer for us to go to a cute and cozy tea shop ❤️

Soap who it's on your side all the time after being away for a couple of months, while you're cooking he has his hands around you, while you are taking a shower he seats on the toilet, while doing the laundry he helps you but all of this it's in complete silence, something unusual for him, you think that maybe something happened in the mission so you do the talk although it's also a bit complicated for you since you didn't do a lot while he was away, mostly you tell him stuff that happened at work, but it was when you were cuddling that you decided to ask him.

Y/N: baby, are you okay?

Soap: what? Yeah, I'm ok.

Y/n: are you sure? You haven't talked much since you came back and you don't leave my side at all.

Soap: I just... I just feel bad that you stay alone for so long so I guess I want to kinda compensate for leaving you.

Y/n: I understand, but let me tell you that I don't mind being alone because I also understand that your job it's gonna make you be away for a while so there's nothing that can be done, besides I don't mind the alone time because I know that I'll never be alone when you are with me ❤️

[promptsbytaurie]

dialogue prompts that give off ~chaotic vibes~

!!please credit me if you use any!!

"you idiot. now we're gonna die."

"american cheese. shitty yet addicting. kind of like my exes."

"everything would be a lot easier if you fucking sat still."

"careful. those aren't designed for idiots."

"tssk, tssk. what would jeff goldblum think of this?"

"if you're trying to manipulate me, it's not working."

"i'm about to say 'shut up' and if you respond with a ridiculously flirtatious 'make me' i will slap you."

"i congratulate you. to convince them is no small feat." *pause* "though you do have small feet."

"don't worry. it's not lethal. i think."

"hey, did you fall from heaven when you hurt--fuck."

"no, but i can speak greek. είσαι σκατά." [you are shit.]

"can i? of course. will i? nah bro."

"we're gonna die and your tombstone will be engraved with 'death by dumbassery.'"

"i had a cat once. his name was stewart. i trained him in the fine art of jiu jitsu."

"what do you mean most people don't carry multiple knifes on them at once?? what if there's an attack?? or an urgent need to cut lettuce??"

"i swear to god if you post this on twitter i will steal your kidney."

"ok. fine. maybe i am a dumbass. but you gotta admit i'm a hot dumbass."

"ah, canada." (that's it. that's the prompt)

"is. is that a grenade."

"abso-fucking-lutely not."

"you know, this reminds me of the time i met the president."

"sometimes, your stupid astounds me."

"yeahhhh no. we're not doing that."

"is there actually anything in your skull or is it just dust and dumbass?"

"gordon ramsay is such a mood."

"this would be romantic if you weren't you and i wasn't me."

"most people just send a text, you know."

"goddammit. how many fucking beans did you spill."

"the world could be ending and you'd still find time to livetweet the imminent destruction of reality."

"you look like shit."

"i can kill a man with my bare hands but i can't unscrew this goddamn jar--"

extra challenges:

use all 31 in one work.

write one prompt every day for a month.

use a random number generator and write 500 (or any set number of) words, and only that amount of words.

to add some spice to #3, set a timer!

(reposted to switch to my prompt blog)

[milkman-zahhak]

Cal and Leo Halloween special PART 2

I hope you guys enjoy, this one is kinda longer than usual- or maybe it just feels that way because it gets a bit deeper than just horny ramblings this time. Or tries to, idk, don't wanna give myself too much credit. also, it's nothing too serious, but I feel like I should put a trigger warning for religious trauma implications? I'm an autistic virgin loser so obviously I've never been in such a situation in which I was able to express these things verbally with another person, but considering I'm pulling the emotion/train of thought directly from my own head, It's probably safe to say that this situation could feasibly match up for someone out there.

As usual, read the red text up here first! Even though it's taken somewhat seriously as a story, THIS POST CONTAINS KINK/FETISH MATERIAL having to do with BELLIES FULL OF FOOD and the effects thereafter! This story has a bit of everything for everyone, it has SAY GEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS, we're gonna be talking about the PENIS, we'll be talking about ERUCTO, do you think that's funny, butthead? do you find it amusing that we'll be talking about EPROCTO (mentioned), EMETO (mentioned), belly stuffing, oral receival of genital emissions (idk a clean way to say that one honestly) BDSM dynamics, and.. we will definitely be spending a lot of time talking about MASTURBATION! and for the YouTube movie-critics, we even have a realistic depiction of a panic attack! /ref

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(continuing from PART 1) Leo couldn't help but grin as Cal chose the second option, seeing it as a challenge rather than a punishment. This was going to be interesting. He stood up and walked over to grab the remaining three bags of candy and bring them closer to the bed, so Cal didn't have to get up. Cal watched Leo with anticipation, excitement and a bit of nervousness mixed in.

Cal requested to clean up first, wash the candy residue off his hands and face, and change into more comfortable clothes. Leo agreed that this was in both of their best interests. Watching Cal waddle out of the room to the bathroom, Leo felt a sense of satisfaction settle deep inside him. Once the door clicked shut, he let out a huge sigh and flopped onto the bed, only to tensely curl up in thought. He. Just. Did. That.

Leo tried not to think with his dick, but lately, letting his dick have a little authority in his decision-making has proven to yield very desirable results. One of the most obvious and important ones being that he now has a boyfriend, which in his mind, was previously a dream equivalent in attainability to winning the lottery. His bold choices, at least when made around Cal, seem to be worth the gamble. It was exhilarating, to say the least. He sat up and moved to the edge of the bed, looking at the three bags of candy on the floor of Cal's room.

As Cal took his sweet time in the bathroom, delaying the inevitable, Leo couldn't help but let his imagination run wild…

He had never been one to take charge, always letting Cal lead the way. But seeing how easily Cal was falling into this game... how he seemed to enjoy the idea of being punished for something so trivial, Leo felt a surge of confidence.

God, he had always been attracted to Cal's confidence, how sure he was of himself and his decisions, and now that Leo had taken charge, even if it was just for a simple thing like this, he couldn't help but feel like he was living out one of his many fantasies in a dream rather than real life. Seeing Cal's willingness to play along was making Leo's heart race with excitement.

He knew that Cal could probably see right through him, that all he had to do was show any sort of opposition or refusal, and Leo would have instantly backed out of this whole act and done whatever it was that Cal suggested instead. If Cal had said "no, Leo, that's a dumb idea and I don't know what made you think you have that kind of authority over me, lmao" Leo would have agreed and would never try to pull that kind of shit again.. It's not like Cal had ever denied him anything before, but this was the first time he's tried actively taking charge- the fact that Cal, the guy who called all the shots, was allowing Leo to set the rules so easily... It made him feel powerful in so many different ways.

  Cal stepped out of the shower, taking note that as he rubbed the washcloth around his middle, his lower belly still felt hard and yucky. Not bloated, he wasn't very gassy (anymore). But bloated with a solid hunk of sugar. Try as he might, he wasn't able to make any progress on the toilet, so everything from last night still sat low in his gut somewhere. He didn't feel sick anymore, but he sure as hell didn't feel hungry. He felt like he had a trick-or-treat bowl-filler sized bag of candy in his belly. Which makes sense, all things considered- yes, that is the exact situation he seems to be in right now.

As he dried off, he couldn't help but think that Leo's attempts at dominance were more adorable than anything else. Cal had always been the assertive one between them, the one who knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it. Seeing Leo suddenly get confident in his decision making was a shock, but a welcome one he had been hoping to experience for years. He hoped his willingness to play along would encourage Leo to speak his mind more often. Cal was willing to be kinky, to try new things, but he doesn't have anything he's dying to try out on his own. He knew Leo had numerous tastes and that he had spent his whole life up until now denying himself the pleasure to explore any of them outside of his computer screen when he thought he was all alone.

He thought back to his days making fetish videos, the kinds of comments and requests he would get, how many new things he learned about simply from the interactions he got on his own content. He could only imagine what kinds of things a freaky little web sleuth like Leo is probably itching to see. He wants to show his socially-underdeveloped boyfriend that this is a safe space to do stuff like that.

Cal returned to the room, dressed comfortably in sweats and a loose t-shirt. He approached Leo hesitantly, "Can I eat normal food between the bags of candy? To switch up the palate?" he asked, trying to hide the slight tremor in his voice.

Leo looked up at Cal, feigning a stern expression. He knew that Cal had a point, the last thing he wanted was a repeat of the events of their notorious pizza movie night and let Cal push himself until he puked, but he wanted to see how far he could push this new dynamic too. He crossed his arms and leaned back on the bed, "Hmmm, I don't know. That sounds like you're trying to cheat the system." Leo said, trying to sound authoritative. "Also, really bold thing to ask. Is the candy really not enough for you? I know you love challenging yourself but I'm not stupid, if one bag of candy had you passed out all messy on your bed like that, I don't think you'll make it through 3 more bags and then 3 meals on top of it"

Cal bit his lower lip, looking down at the floor. He knew that Leo didn't really mean it, but he couldn't help but feel a little nervous. "Please, Leo? I know what you mean, it's just- I gotta change the flavors or else I get sick of eating, like, sweet sugary candy in one sitting." Cal persuaded, "I know you don't want me to puke it all back up... we have the whole day, right? breaks would make it easier for me to eat all of them..."

Leo paused for a moment, pretending to think it over. Inside, he was fighting a smile. This was fun. "I'll think about it," he finally said, "maybe if you can behave yourself." Cal's eyes lit up, and he couldn't hide the grin spreading across his face. "Thank you, Leo!" He said, relief evident in his tone. Leo's heart skipped a beat at Cal's enthusiasm. He felt greedy and selfish for just how much he enjoyed when Cal was so eager to please him. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He didn't feel like he deserved any of it though.

Leo really isn't used to allowing himself to feel pleasure (especially not sexual pleasure, and ESPECIALLY especially not something degenerate like a fetish) without drowning himself in equal- if not greater amounts of guilt afterwards to make up for it. But, as he's recently learned to do, he let his dick do the thinking for now- and he would punish himself for it at a later time. Right now, he had a cute, squishy, eager man, quite literally at his feet and ready to obey his commands.

"Now come here and sit down," Leo commanded gently, patting the spot next to him on the bed. Cal obeyed, sitting down on the bed, lying back against the pillows.

Leo reached for the first bag of candy, feeling a mix of excitement and nerves. This was uncharted territory for him, but he was enjoying the control. He rummaged through the bag, inspecting the contents carefully. "Hmmm," Leo started, "What's this? A pack of Sour Patch Kids?" he asked teasingly, inspecting the candy in his hands, pulling it out for a closer look. "I really don't like sour candy, so I've never tried 'em. You do though, right? are they any good?"

Cal was a bit flustered by the suspiciously sudden change in attitude, but he couldn't help but smile. "I mean not if you don't like sour candy," he said playfully, "that's kind of the main appeal of it, it's in the name and everything." Leo laughed via a short burst of air out of his nose, then rolled his eyes "No, dipshit! I mean like if you're someone who does, is it good in terms of sour candy, or is it mid compared to something else? Like, how in terms of lollipops, Dum Dums are way better than Blow Pops."

Cal thought for a moment, locking in and taking this into serious consideration. "Uh, hmmm.. kinda hard to say since Sour Patch Kids are, like, their own thing altogether. I guess those Trolli worms are comparable- and they're more fun to eat, but I haven't had 'em in years, so I don't know where they rank flavor-wise.."

Careful not to smile too big or get too casual just yet. He wanted to make sure Cal knew that he was serious about this.

Leo spoke up, taking advantage of the fact that Cal was going to be chewing, "Well, then," he started, opening the wrapper and popping a Sour Patch Kid into Cal's mouth, "Since, none of this is gonna taste very new to you, because you already taste tested everything last night..." Cal looked away at this, and let out a soft sigh as the candy started to disintegrate on his tongue, savoring the sweetness before it turned sour, trying not to think too hard about his embarrassing Halloween-night binge. Leo continued, "Let's make sure you don't forget the taste today.~"

Leo couldn't help but stare, watching as Cal's lips closed around the candy, just barely avoiding biting the hand that fed him. Instead, he felt the humidity of Cal's breath on his fingertips for a moment. He watched the tip of his tongue poking out after the fact to lick the sugar residue off his lips. It was a simple gesture, but it sent a jolt straight to Leo's groin. He cleared his throat, trying to regain composure as he fed his roommate the rest of the sour candies, and grabbed another different piece of candy while he chewed the gummy.

Leo picked up a Milky Way bar from the bag, examining it between his fingers. He set it aside, dug through the bag, and set a few more aside into a small pile beside him. Cal watched longingly, Milky Ways were his favorite chocolate!... aside from 100Grands. or Twix. He had a lot of favorites.

He felt a twinge of jealousy as he watched Leo's thumb trace the ridges of the wrapper, considering if he should give it to him or eat it himself.

Cal couldn't help but whine softly, "Leoooo, please don't eat that. That's my favorite!" He looked at Leo with puppy eyes, hoping it would make him reconsider. Leo smirked, knowing exactly how much Cal loved Milky Ways. He unwrapped the bite-sized mini candy bar and ate it hungrily, watching Cal squirm. "Aww, come on Leo! That's not fair! You know it's my favorite too!" Cal whined. Leo chuckled and continued to pick out the Milky Ways to put in a separate pile for himself "Duh, Cal. This is supposed to be a punishment for you, not a treat."

Leo opened another one, taking a small bite. "I haven't eaten anything yet, y'know. I haven't even had breakfast. I woke up to find you'd been gorging yourself, remember?" Cal's eyes followed the motion of Leo's jaw, watching as he chewed the chocolate. He felt a mix of annoyance and arousal. But then Leo spoke again, "Besides, you should be grateful that I'm eating this instead of you. This is lightening your load after all." Cal groaned internally. It was true. He knew that he couldn't argue with Leo's logic. Every candy eaten by Leo was a piece of candy that he wasn't going to have to eat himself, but that didn't stop him from trying. "I wanna at least enjoy the flavors before I start to get really full, pleeeaaase?" Cal begged, but Leo only laughed in response.

Leo took another bite, savoring the taste of caramel and nougat. "Dude, no. You can't get me on this, you already decided to 'enjoyed the flavors' last night," he said with a mouthful, "This is all on you... mph.. Don't worry, I'm only eating some candy to hold me over until I can make breakfast," he swallowed before continuing to speak, "...Besides, it's not like I'm gonna eat all of them, I'm not a hog like you, heh. You'll still get to eat Milky Ways, just not yet."

Leo grinned, taking advantage of Cal's vulnerability and feeding him another piece of candy, watching him struggle to keep up with the pace. "This'll make up for it, right?" He cooed, unwrapping chocolate candies and gently pressing them to Cal's lips for him to eat. He was really getting into his role.

The tension in the room was palpable as Cal's cheeks began to puff out, looking more and more like a squirrel hoarding food. He tried his best to chew as fast as possible, but the sheer volume of sugar was starting to overwhelm him. Cal's cheeks were flushed, and Leo couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction seeing him like this. The candy was having the desired effect, making him regretful and desperate for relief.

Cal would try swallowing multiple times in a row, little by little, all with his mouth still full. Leo stopped and waited a little longer each time, seeing as Cal was taking longer and longer to actually force anything down. Once he seemed to finally swallow the mouthful he was on, Leo popped another piece of candy into Cal's mouth, a simple, sticky, wrapped caramel square. Cal tried to protest, but all that came out was a muffled moan as he struggled to chew. The first of the 3 remaining bags is almost gone now.

Leo held another chocolate up to Cal's lips, expecting him to take a few moments before letting it in, but a few moments passed, and then more. The chocolate was melting on Cal's lips, which were pursed shut, still chewing the caramel. "You can't delay the inevitable, bud.." Leo joked, but Cal didn't seem to find it funny. He seemed to be more focused on himself.

He swallowed down some of the caramel, his stomach bubbling as he did so. Another attempt to swallow, and another. With a final, strained gulp, he'd managed to push the sticky candy down his throat. Before anything else could be shoved in, he turned his head away "Leo..." Cal managed to choke out, "I...I need a break... don't feel good." He gasped. "Too sweet.. sticky.. can't swallow..I feel sick.." He looked genuinely queasy, and Leo couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him. He took the melting chocolate in his hand back and set it aside onto a napkin. Leo nodded, "Alright, fine. We can take a break." He stood up from his position on the bed and stretched, "But you know, I am kinda hungry. Let me make us breakfast. I've been feeding you, so your hands should be nice and clean, you can rest in here and rub your belly and stuff, okay?" Cal nodded gratefully, his stomach still rolling from the influx of sugar. Leo walked over to the kitchen, leaving Cal lying on the bed, feeling sick and defeated.

Leo moved around the kitchen efficiently, cracking eggs and sizzling bacon, the smell of breakfast cooking filling the apartment. Cal remained on the bed, clutching his swollen belly, feeling it gurgle and shift with every movement. *gluurg...gllrruurg.. ggrrglrlre.....*.

Cal's stomach protested loudly, a mixture of nausea and discomfort as his stomach tried to handle its contents.

He groaned and rubbed his belly in circles, trying to ease the discomfort. It was strange, he could feel the candy inside of him as a single heavy mass of sugary regret. Some candies seemed to all stick together into a solid, hard, heavy ball, while others melted down into a sloshy sludge, giving his tummy the worst of both worlds to deal with at once. Every time he moved, he felt the sweets shift around in his stomach, causing small waves of nausea. He took slow, deep breaths, trying to ignore the sounds and smells of Leo cooking. He didn't want food right now, but he knew he couldn't put it off forever. He'd have to eat eventually, if only to get the taste of sugar out of his mouth.

“Ooohhh..” Cal closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto the pillow, continuing to massage his stomach softly. It felt so strange. The solid brick of sugar inside of him from last night still remained somewhere in his achy intestines, and unlike last night, his stomach was starting to get extremely bloated now. *Urp*. Cal covered his mouth quickly, trying to suppress the urge to throw up. He swallowed hard and took a few more deep breaths, willing the queasiness away.

As Cal continued to rub his belly, he felt gas bubbles make their way through his system, bubbling through his guts and just barely making it to the end before stopping, leaving him unable to push anything out. Nothing was moving anywhere anytime soon, but the gas needed to go somewhere.

The sticky mess that had once been his favorite candies now just seemed to sit there, refusing to move. His stomach churned and gurgled in protest, sending sharp pains through his lower abdomen. The pressure was building, and he couldn't help but squirm on the bed, trying to find some sort of relief. Grrrr....ggllrre-*uurrp*. He moaned softly, as the small burp relieved the tiniest bit of pressure. He tried to recreate the sensation. He was shifting positions, rolling onto his side, curling up into a ball, even trying to sit up for a bit. But nothing seemed to ease the discomfort. The bloating sensation grew stronger, and he started to feel his tummy churn even more.

His body seemed to have figured out that the backdoor was locked and started sending the gas back up, which was a dangerous game to be playing on such a full tummy. The thought made him even more nauseous, and he pressed a hand over his mouth as another sickly sweet burp snuck out, swallowing back the bile that threatened to rise up with it.

Leo returned to the room with two plates of steaming food, bacon and eggs sizzling on one, toast crisp and golden brown on the other. He set both plates down on the nightstand and sat back down on the bed, watching Cal squirm and writhe. Cal's discomfort was clear, his face pale and sweaty, and Leo couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. But he also couldn't deny the slight amusement at seeing Cal suffer from the consequences of his actions.

Leo picked up his fork and knife and started eating, savoring each bite while Cal continued to belch and moan beside him. The sounds were almost rhythmic, a constant reminder of the sugar overload he'd subjected himself to.

*grrrr....uurrp....grrr....rrrurp...gruurrr....brrrrp!*.

Leo glanced over at him occasionally, but mostly kept his focus on his breakfast.

He chewed slowly, enjoying the taste of savory bacon and eggs, the perfect contrast to the sweetness that lingered in his own mouth from the few Milky Ways he'd eaten that morning.

He offered Cal a piece of toast, which Cal looked at with wide, terrified eyes. He shook his head, and Leo couldn't help but smirk. "Suit yourself," Leo said, setting it aside "When you feel like you can eat again I've got toast for you, then... It seems like you still need some rest". Cal kept burping, but he nodded, showing that he'd heard Leo and was being receptive. Leo couldn't blame him. He checked the time, "We've got all day. It's about... 10:48 right now. We'll see how you feel around noon, okay? I'll be here if you need me!"

Leo continued eating, listening to Cal's discomfort and thinking about what they would do next. The day was still young, and there were many more ways to pass the time.

For him, of course. Not Cal. Cal is as good as bedridden right now.

Which was fine, Leo was perfectly content to sit in Cal's room and eat breakfast, squeezing his legs together in his seat, listening to his boyfriend's burpy belly ache.

Leo was lucky that his left hand was holding his plate and his right hand was holding his fork, otherwise he doesn't know if he'd be able to keep his hands out of his pants. Cal continued to belch softly, the sounds becoming more frequent and pronounced as the minutes ticked by. Each time he did so, he couldn't help but glance over at Leo, who was focused on his food but seemed to be growing increasingly distracted. Cal knew Leo found his predicament amusing and arousing. He was providing him a show with his meal at this point.

Cal, while still overstuffed and queasy, felt comforted by the thought. He focused more on entertaining Leo and working up belches, both of which made him feel better little by little.

He closed his eyes and concentrated, forcing out a longer, louder burp that made his chest rumble. He felt his stomach shift slightly, relieving some of the pressure. *Gruurrr...Brrp-brrouUUrp*- "ahh..."

Leo looked over at him, a smirk playing on his lips. "Feeling better?" he asked, trying to keep his voice light. Cal sighed in relief and nodded, wincing as his tummy let out another grumble of discomfort. *gllrgrr.....Burrrrp* He took a deep breath and repeated the action, letting out another belch that seemed to spill past his lips like a purr. This time, Leo's legs shifted again, his thighs rubbing together. He was almost finished with his eggs, and he'd eaten the bacon first. Now look who's taking their time eating..

Cal shifted on the bed, trying to find a more comfortable, maybe more erotic position. He figured maybe he'd try letting gas out the good old fashioned way now that he wasn't feeling as imminently sick. He rolled over and got on all fours, his bloated stomach pressed against the mattress, sending ripples of discomfort through him. He couldn't help but let out a soft moan, which was immediately followed by another belch. *Gllrrgh...BruuuuUURrp..urp* Leo's gaze was locked on him now, watching every twitch and grimace with fascination. Cal felt his face flush with embarrassment, but also a strange sense of pride. He was giving Leo exactly what he wanted, even though he couldn't enjoy it himself right now. He closed his eyes, took another deep breath, pushed, and... Nothing.

Cal groaned in frustration, sweat beading on his brow. He'd felt something building, but it refused to come out. He tried again, pushing harder this time. *Grrrgle....grrrrr....* Leo set down his fork, his food forgotten. He moved closer to the bed, watching Cal clench and unclench as he tried to expel the gas trapped inside. "You, uh, need some help there, Cal?" Leo said, reaching out to rub circles on his lower back. "Let it out." Cal moaned again, his face reddening further. He pushed harder, trying to force the gas out. Suddenly, there was movement, but not what he was hoping for. *Rrreeeeaauuuurrp!* A huge belch blasted out of him, startling him into sitting up a bit. The sound echoed through the room, and Leo could feel Cal's gut vibrate through his shirt as it happened. Cal sighed in relief as the pressure eased slightly. He stayed in that position for only a moment longer, letting out another small burp before collapsing onto his side with a groan.

Leo chuckled and ran his hand through Cal's short brown hair. "Well, that was quite a performance. You feel any better now?" Cal glared at him through half-lidded eyes. "Full.." "Oh, I'm sure," Leo said, getting up to resume eating the last of his breakfast. "But seriously, how do you feel now? Any better?" Cal considered it for a moment before nodding weakly. "A bit," he admitted. "But still... so full." Leo nodded, swallowing his food before speaking. "I know you are, but it'll pass eventually. Hey, I still have a piece of toast if you wanna recover with something less sweet" Cal shifted so that he was sitting up a bit, taking the toast and eating it, chewing slowly, making sure every little grain scraped across his tongue and replaced the taste of chocolate and artificial flavoring.

The belching had definitely helped ease the pressure, but the bloating remained. Cal's stomach was still distended, stretched tight against his shirt. One piece of toast was enough..

Leo's gaze lingered on Cal's stomach, unable to look away. The thought of what’s happening beneath was too enticing. He licked his lips, his mind wandering to naughtier places, and his body reacting accordingly.

Cal's body, no longer in fight or flight mode, seemed to suddenly remember how little sleep he had gotten last night, and Cal found himself drifting off, making up for the Zs he'd failed to catch.

Leo smiled gently at Cal's sleeping form, brushing some loose strands of hair off his face. "Get some rest," he whispered, placing a soft kiss on Cal's forehead. He couldn't help but let his gaze linger on Cal's still swollen stomach before pulling himself away. … He walked out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him. As soon as he was sure Cal couldn't hear him, Leo let out a heavy sigh, his body trembling with pent-up arousal.

He couldn't believe how hot that had been, watching Cal struggle and writhe in discomfort. It was almost too much. He's never been able to function so smoothly like that while being so deliriously turned on. To be fair though, he didn't know how well he was hiding it, maybe Cal could tell how close he was to breaking the act. But it didn't matter right now. Leo quickly made his way across the living room and to his own bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Once inside, Leo leaned back against the door, taking a moment to collect himself. His breaths came in short pants as he adjusted his erection, already straining against his pants and leaking beneath them. He couldn't wait any longer.

He practically ripped off his clothes, throwing them aside haphazardly. He stumbled over to his bed, falling onto it with a soft thud. His hand immediately went to his cock, stroking it slowly at first, relishing the feeling of skin on skin.

He replayed every moment of Cal's struggle in his mind, each moan and groan, each ripple of his bloated belly sending a jolt of pleasure through him. He picked up speed, his grip tightening. Leo imagined Cal's belly growing larger, fuller, the pressure building until he couldn't hold it any longer. *Gruurrrr....Brrp!*

He imagined Cal whining and full, begging for Leo to soothe him.

He moaned aloud at the thought, using his free hand to grab a handful of his blanket, and shoved it against his mouth and nose to hopefully muffle the sounds he would helplessly make. He tried keeping his hand moving slowly, wanting to make this last, but his hips twitched and bucked up anyways, he couldn't seem to stop himself.

*Brrrruuuppp...urp*

Remembering the sounds Cal made, they echoed in Leo's ears, driving him wild. He barely stifled a cry into the blanket as he came, his entire body convulsing in ecstasy. Leo collapsed onto the bed, spent and satisfied for now. He lay there for a moment, catching his breath, before remembering Cal. He checked the time and decided to let Cal sleep for a bit longer before checking on him. Besides, Leo felt more than up to continue beating the everloving fuck out of his cock a few more times, maybe it'll help him be able to stay even more intimidating and assertive when they started things back up again!

He couldn't wait to see what the rest of the day held.

~

Leo waited a few more hours before finally deciding to go back and check on Cal. He'd managed to crank out multiple orgasms during his break. He was kind of shocked he had it in him It was a little painful to just be constantly turned on all day, but Leo had been gooning for years. If anyone would be accustomed to dedicating an entire day to do nothing but jork their weenie, it was Leonard Lindsey.

But no matter, his mind always seemed to return to the sight of Cal's swollen belly, the sounds he made as he tried to find relief. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. This was punishment, not playtime. He needed to focus on dishing out what Cal was dining on. Literally and figuratively.

He pushed open Cal's door quietly, peeking inside to find the brunette man still passed out. Leo couldn't help but smile at the peaceful expression on Cal's face. He looked so innocent, so vulnerable. Leo's heart skipped a beat, but he quickly schooled his features back into a neutral mask. He's gotta be intimidating, dominant, assertive!

He walked over to the bed, setting the second bag of candy down next to him. Cal stirred at the sound, slowly opening his eyes. He groaned and rubbed his tummy, still visibly distended through his shirt.

"Leo..." Cal whined sleepily. "I still feel full..."

Leo placed a hand on Cal's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Well, you better have room for the candy you wanted so badly. Clearly you've waited long enough, you couldn't even last a single night."

Cal looked up at him with a pouty look in his eyes, but Leo remained firm. Cal needed to learn his lesson. Plus, Leo couldn't deny the growing arousal he felt seeing Cal like this, so helpless and desperate.

Cal sighed heavily and sat up against the plows a little bit. His stomach was less full, but his intestines were packed. His lower belly felt heavy and completely solid to the touch. "Urghh... so much candy inside me right now..." he grumbled, hands resting on his belly with a resigned expression. Leo reached for the bag of candy, popping a piece into Cal's mouth .

Leo watched as Cal started to chew, his jaw moving rhythmically.

With every piece that disappeared between Cal's lips, Leo could see his belly expand even further, pushing against his once loose shirt until it stretched tight over his skin. It was a sight that made Leo's heart race with excitement all over again. His mind was going crazy- but he was right, violently emptying his balls before this meant that his dick was recovering, too tired to start too much trouble down there right now. Very helpful for his suave dominating appearance, he felt less squirmy. For now at least.

As Cal continued to eat, his cheeks flushed and his breathing became shallower. He swallowed hard after every few pieces, his throat working to force the sticky candy down.

The noises Cal made were driving Leo wild. Each gulp and moan sent a shiver down his spine. He had to remind himself to keep his cool, to maintain his dominant demeanor. This was punishment, after all, not foreplay!

The scent of sweets filled the room, and.... Leo's mouth was watering, but... not for the sweets. He was fighting the urge to lean in and lick the sugar off Cal's lips himself, to taste the desperation on his tongue..

Dammit, STOP IT!

Leo keeps zoning out, watching Cal chew and groan, then forgetting to give him another piece of candy right away. Thankfully, Cal didn't seem to mind, and probably needed to go at a slower pace anyways.

Leo tried to focus on keeping a steady pace unwrapping candy and holding it up to Cal's lips one by one.

Cal's movements became increasingly sluggish and less coordinated as he continued eating from the second bag of candy. Or the third, depending on how you look at it. It was the second of the three remaining candy bags, so he was almost halfway done, and the day was almost halfway over. His stomach was stretched beyond discomfort now, and the sweetness of the candies made him actively queasy. But still, Leo fed him piece after piece, watching with a mixture of concern and arousal as Cal's belly grew larger and larger.

Whenever Leo offered him another piece of candy, Cal opened his mouth automatically, closing within a second, like timed machinery. Cal's motor functions were likely on autopilot as he focused on not exploding.

Leo had a KitKat, holding it in his fingers longways for Cal to bite off of. He didnt think about it as he nudged his hand forward to make it easier for Cal to eat the second half of it, but both of the men seemed confused when Leo's fingers, holding the Kitkat, brushed against Cal's lips, and and he found himself holding his breath as he watched Cal's mouth lazily close around his fingertips.

Cal's eyes were half-lidded as he sucked the candy off Leo's fingers, trying not to bite down on them. Leo couldn't help but let out a low groan at the sight. It wasn't supposed to be sexy, but somehow it was. Maybe it was the desperation in Cal's movements, or maybe it was the fact that Cal was basically sucking on his fingers.

Leo barely registered in his dazed state when, suddenly, he did feel Cal's teeth brush against his fingers, which he'd not yet realized had an iron grip on the Kit Kat he was supposed to be feeding Cal. Cal's tongue swirled around Leo's fingers as he tried to separate the candy. Leo found himself getting lost in the sensation. Cal's eyes were closed, and to Leo, it looked like he was savoring every last drop of sweetness from his skin.

Leo's breath hitched, and he felt his cock stir to life again.

"D-dude, c'mon you gotta let go of it.. so I can *hic* eat it..." Cal whined. Talking seemed to remind his throat that things were allowed to come out instead of just being constantly shoved in, and he felt a burp rising up. Leo didn't seem to hear him.

Cal started to raise his voice, he was starting to get frantic, "Seriously, get your fingers outta my mouth or I'm gonna b-*uuRP-URCk*-" Cal felt tears in the corners of his eyes as his burp turned into a gag.

Leo snapped out of his fantasies and quickly pulled his hand away. Cal coughed once, and his stomach heaved as he held himself back from coughing again in fear of what might happen if he did.

Shit!

Leo knew he had to get a grip on himself before things got out of hand. "S-sorry! Oh my god, ohmygod are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't even know I-" Leo stuttered.

Cal's voice was hoarse, but understanding "hrgh... don't, it's fine I just. I..." Cal struggled to speak, his throat felt funny, it felt sticky and tight. "Leo..." Leo fell back as Cal abruptly shoved him away. After staying frozen like that for a few extremely tense moments, seemingly trying to keep himself upright, Cal shot up from the bed.

Between the rustling of the blankets and crinkling of the candy wrappers, Leo heard the nastiest pre-puke-burp ever as Cal moved out of the bed and ran to the bathroom. One he could only compare to some of the ones in Cal's most intense videos back in the day right before he…

Leo heard the door slam open, and then a thump to the ground, like someone was sliding into a base during a baseball game trying to reach it as they caught the ball.

A short, strained moan, then uneven sounds of splashing water.

Sounds like he made it, though. Home-run for Cal!

This dumbass baseball metaphor actually happens to be the extent of what was going through Cal's own mind as he made his mad dash.

This kind of thing used to be a Halloween tradition for him as a kid, Cal was even more reckless back when he was growing up in a crowded house. His childhood Halloween memories as far back as maybe 8 years old, were of him methodically scouting the neighborhood and putting extra effort into getting as much halloween candy as possible. Free food was free food after all, and food was like gold to Cal and his siblings growing up. Which meant he had to eat as much of his loot as he could on Halloween night. Knowing that once he shut his eyes, anything he'd collected would be as good as gone by morning, as is customary for any non-only child in a low-income household, his vulture-like siblings would take their unfair share if he didnt eat it all first. ...A fair plot, but it ended exactly how you'd expect. The mess that followed was a hassle for everyone involved, but Cal would rather be made fun of by his siblings and yelled at by his parents than let his spoils be consumed by unworthy lazy scoundrels! Of course, over the years, he managed to perfect his craft, knowing exactly when his body was ready to give up and to make the dash around everyone's beds and mattresses in his shared bedroom to the single bathroom in the house, if need be. Some years, this wasn't even necessary, and he would sleep through the night uncomfortably, if at all. But he would slumber with peace of mind, and a very heavy tummy that he would proudly wear as a badge of honor the following morning.

Maybe sometime Cal should look into how he developed this kink in the first place, hm?

Anyways, back in the bedroom, now Leo felt nauseous, but with guilt. Guilt that settled in his chest like a lead weight. He shouldn't have pushed it this far, he knew better than to ignore the signs of discomfort in someone who doesn't know how to stop eating. What the hell was he thinking?!

He let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his temples, pacing back and forth in front of the bed. He could hear Cal's muffled retching sounds and burps from behind the door, each one making him feel worse and worse. This wasn't some kinky game anymore, this was real. This was his best friend, his boyfriend, who trusted him, suffering because of him.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid..." Leo chastised himself silently. He should have known better than to let his own desires cloud his judgment. He cursed his wretched cock. He was so wrong. This is the result of indulgence and pleasure, it all comes crumbling down just like he was always told. He was so selfish. He wanted to drop dead just to see if there really was a hell so he could swan dive into the nearest lava pit and suffer for eternity and just get it over with now. It's the least he could do to make up for it. Cal was clearly in distress and Leo was the cause of it.

After a few minutes of agonizing guilt, Leo heard the sound of water running, Cal spitting into the sink, followed by a few moments of silence. He can't just panic and hyperventilate in Cal's bedroom, fuck! Even now, he was neglecting his partner and selfishly berating himself. He could berate himself once Cal was okay. He got up and walked to the bathroom, the door was open, but he didn't want to invade or anything. "Cal? You okay?"

Cal didn't respond immediately, but Leo could hear him shuffling around and rinsing his mouth out. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he replied in a weak voice, "Yeah... I'll be fine, just give me a minute."

Leo nodded, even though Cal couldn't see him, and leaned against the wall. He felt awful, and he knew he needed to make things right. But first, he needed to let Cal finish throwing up in peace. He closed his eyes and listened to the distant burbling noises, his own stomach twisting in sympathy. This wasn't supposed to happen, not like this. Cal should come out of that door and strike him down. Leo was the one that needed to be punished, not Cal..

…

Cal eventually emerged from the bathroom, his face pale and sweaty, but his eyes were clear. He looked like he had just finished running a marathon, but he somehow managed to give Leo a small smile. "Heh.. I'm back in business, bud!"

He walked over to his boyfriend, who looked like he was ready to collapse under the weight of his own guilt. And also like he was about to cry, as he stared blankly into his own lap. "Hey..." Cal said softly, reaching out to touch Leo's arm.

Leo, what's wrong?... Cal thought, concern and dread flowing through him. Leo seemed fine before all this, but now Cal could practically feel the guilt rolling off of him in waves. He knew that Leo wasn't the type to enjoy seeing him in pain, and that Leo was also really sensitive and averse to vomit in general, so this must have really upset him.

He tried to reassure Leo that it was all over now. "Hey, yeah.. I thought I could keep going but sugar doesn't taste as good as it did when I was little for some reason. So I couldn't hold it all down. Sorry, I would have warned you better, really! but it was sudden for me too.." he brightened his tone, "You don't gotta clean anything either, I made it just in time- and I even wiped everything down afterwards just in case!"

Leo's eyes snapped open at Cal's touch, and he looked up at him with a mixture of relief and self-loathing. "Cal, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean for this to happen. I was just playing along, and I didn't realize..." He trailed off, not really sure what to say.

Cal's smile turned into a soft laugh, and he shook his head. "It's alright, Leo. Really."

Leo didn't move at all.

He started walking back toward his room. "Come sit with me." Leo hesitated for a moment before joining him, still looking incredibly guilty. Cal could see the wheels turning in his mind, trying to figure out what he could do to fix things.

But Cal didn't want Leo to fix things. He wanted Leo to understand. "This isn't your fault," Cal said firmly. "I knew what I was getting myself into. I mean, yeah, I'm not feeling great right now, but it's not the end of the world."

"Mhm.." Leo hummed. His eyes still seemed to be empty, his mind elsewhere.

Cal kept going. "Really, I feel a lot better now. I think... another break, and then we can try again later?"

Leo's brow furrowed as Cal mentioned taking another break and continuing later. He couldn't believe it, Cal was still willing to go through with it? Was he that desperate for punishment? Or did he think Leo would actually force him? He's so sweet, trying to comfort me.. Leo thought, but this isn't right.

He shook his head quickly, trying to dispel the thought. "Cal.. no! You've had enough, I can't... I won't make you do this anymore." He said firmly, looking Cal straight in the eye, trying to convey the depth of his regret. Cal looked at Leo with a mixture of surprise and confusion. He hadn't expected Leo to react like this, he just thought Leo was playing along like he was, having a bit of fun with the kinky candy punishment. He hadn't considered that Leo might actually think.. he was abusing him? Is that what’s happening here? "Jesus, Leo, calm down.." Cal started, sitting up a bit straighter and reaching out to cup Leo's face in his hand, "If I didn't wanna do this I would have s-"

"Stop, I'm sorry- stop.." Leo interrupted, pulling away gently. "You say that every time, you say 'If I didn't want it, I would tell you to stop' but you don't KNOW what you want! It’s- It’s a real thing! Y-You've become so accustomed to me treating you like this, you think it's fine, you think this is normal and it's not!" Cal's expression softened a bit, but he didn't look entirely convinced. He looked confused and worried. Leo was talking like he was reciting words from some kind of therapist. "I really don't know what you're saying, man. I think if there's one thing I can be certain about, it's that I know what I want."

Leo grimaced in frustration, looking down at his own lap again, trying to continue his train of thought, maybe he just didn't word it correctly? He had never felt so ashamed in his entire life.

He ran his hands through his greasy, long, blonde hair, his fingers catching as they curled up, and grabbed onto handfuls of his own hair, gripping it for dear life. He had taken his fucked-up desires too far, and now Cal was suffering for it. He hated himself.

He needs to hate himself if he wants to live like this. Maybe they were bad people, but maybe they were right. A broken clock is right twice a day and such.

The situation at hand with Cal and the Halloween candy was barely at the forefront of Leo’s mind anymore as various unwanted memories came rushing back to him. As well as thoughts he’d been ignoring all day and putting off to the side in order to ride the high of unrightfully having any kind of authority.

Cal leaned forward, taking Leo's hands in his own. "Hey.. Hey, stop it." He said, squeezing them gently, trying to wrangle them away from his hair with little success. Leo was sitting upright like Cal, but slowly curling forward into a protective fetal position, hiding his face in his knees.

Okayyy, Leo was having some kind of panic attack or something. Cal obviously isn't a doctor, but he's been able to talk Leo down from meltdowns before. "Alright, alright, chill out, cutie. I made the decision to sneak that candy, and I knew the consequences." He smiled reassuringly, trying to lighten the mood a little. "Besides, you're the one in control!..." he added playfully... But that only made things ten times worse.

Leo's face was flushed, and he was struggling to breathe, he sobbed and frantically grabbed ahold of Cal's shoulders, shaking him slightly, trying to get through to him "NO! Nononono, no. Shit! Please don't ever put me in control of anything. Ever! I'm not in control, I can't be in control! Look, you don't have to do what I say! I have no control over you!" Leo replied, his voice cracking. "Y-You have to figure out what you actually want, you can't just take my word as fact anymore! You need to be independent and think for yourself, you're an adult!"

Cal watched Leo spiral, his heart pounding in his chest. He had seen Leo break down before, but never this bad, and never because of anything related to his fetish- albeit that was something he’d only recently discovered about him. It was scary to watch someone he cared about break down like this.

Cal wasn't sure how to help. He never asked Leo about specifics, but he had some vague guesses about Leo’s past. Leo had a lot of problems and experiences that Cal could only try and empathize with. He didn't know how to handle this situation, or what to say. All he knew was that he needed to calm Leo down, to help him see that everything was okay. Leo must have realized how he was shaking Cal, and all but jumped backwards in fear "I-I'm .. Oh my god. I'm a monster." he mumbled, barely audible through his gasps for oxygen.

What should I do? Cal thought frantically, scanning the room for anything that might help. He couldn't help but notice the open door to his bedroom, and the eyesore that was his bed covered in candy wrappers.

"Leo, breathe." he murmured, trying to soothe him. He didn't understand why Leo was acting this way, but he knew that he had to fix it somehow. He put his hand on Leo's back, guiding him to his bedroom. "Hey, hey...you’re okay, you’re safe and stuff.." He whispered, "Look at me." Leo's breathing was still shallow and quick, he didn’t look directly at Cal, but he lifted his face out of his hands enough that Cal could see his eyes now. They were filled with tears, and it broke Cal's heart to see them there.

"Please...please don't cry." Cal pleaded, his voice thick with emotion. He needed to help Leo somehow. "Leo.. uh.. I know how you can make things better! It's really simple, okay? But first, you see the candy wrappers all over the bed?"

Leo hiccupped, even through his distant and panicked demeanor, you could see his mind put itself on pause. Small cogs getting momentarily caught and in the Rube Goldberg machine that was Leo's mind. "W-What?"

Cal took a deep breath, hoping that his plan would work. He knew Leo couldn't handle the emotional turmoil that was happening right now. Maybe something small and harmless would help distract him for long enough that he could at least start breathing normally first?

He gestured towards the bed, which was a mess of colorful wrappers. "Yeah, the bed is a mess. I have to organize them by wrapper. All the Kit Kat ones in one pile, the Tootsie Rolls in another, y'know? I promise we can keep talking about this, but I need you to organize them for me, okay? I'm gonna go get a cup of cold water from the kitchen, I will be right back in a second, just do this for me okay?" Leo looked at Cal, confusion slowly replacing the panic in his eyes. "Why- what? the fuck? What does that even..??" He managed to stutter out between gasps for air. Cal smiled softly, trying to keep Leo focused. "You're really good at organizing stuff, remember? It's really important, you need to do it now, no time to explain. Please?" He asked, his voice steady and calm. He knew how much Leo liked order and structure, and he hoped that focusing on something so trivial would help him calm down. Leo let out strained whines as he tried (and failed) to hyperventilate exclusively through his nose in attempts to manually calm his breathing. He looked from Cal to the bed and back again. He didn't understand, but the last thing he wanted to do was boss Cal around anymore or hound him over things. He nodded slowly, wheezing as he willed himself forward to Cal's bedroom, his entire body trembling as he got up and moved. He climbed onto the bed, scooping up candy wrappers and dropping them off the side of the bed onto the floor. Cal watched as Leo began to pick up wrappers, sorting them, getting up and getting a cup from the kitchen, filling it with some cold water from the sink and then coming back.

As Leo worked, Cal sat at the other end of the room, staying within eyesight but not interrupting Leo and his sorting.

Leo sat on the floor, his hands trembling as he picked up the candy wrappers one by one. He was past coherent thoughts made up of language or words, his mind was now conjuring up rapid-fire violent imagery of his body being rightfully executed in front of a crowd for some reason. Public hanging, shot against a wall, anything seemed appropriate for him. He tried to take deep breaths, focusing on the task at hand. … … Who the hell would have the budget to waste on executing him, anyways? In this economy? And why is he fantasizing about himself getting such easy escapes? Leo scolded himself for wanting such quick and painless resolutions, as if he were some kind of special snowflake. He deserves to be here sorting candy wrappers, suffering under the weight of his own guilt. Or, even better, none of this should even be up to him! This isn't about him! It's about Cal! He needed to calm down, to organize.. his thoughts. It was all he could do. Consciousness was his punishment right now. He should take it.

As he sorted the wrappers, he started to notice patterns. The Kit Kats were a pretty distinct shade of red, easy to pick out of the pile, so he made a pile of those first. He could hear Cal's soft breathing from across the room, and it helped to calm him down. He didn't want to disappoint Cal again. He didn't want to hurt him anymore. He needed to be better, stronger. He needed to be able to control himself. Leo's mind raced, but the repetitive motion of sorting the wrappers helped him focus. He could feel his heart rate slowing down, his breathing evening out. He needed to make sure Cal knew he was sorry. He needed to make sure Cal knew that he wasn't someone trying to take advantage of him, trying to force him to think a certain way. He didn't want Cal to have to be afraid of him to love him. And he can’t do any of that when he was weak and mentally scattered like this.

Soon, Leo had each different type of wrapper laid out on the ground, now all he had to do was grab one from the unsorted pile and set it in its respective organized one. The process became easier and simpler as he kept at it. Cal watched Leo carefully, he planned to give this water to Leo to help him rehydrate a bit after that whole meltdown, but he was thirsty too. Fuck it, they've had their tongues in each other's mouths before, might as well take a few sips of the water. He could see the change in Leo's demeanor, the tension slowly leaving his body. His breathing was going from consciously gasping for air to shaky, but unconscious and steadier breathing, in and out through his nose. He was glad that Leo was calming down, but he couldn't help but wonder what made him suddenly panic like that.

Now, Cal wasn't super keen on mental issues and stuff, but he knew Leo was autistic- not, like, stupid. Leo was actually smart as hell about a bunch of stuff- he's just medically autistic. Cal smirked to himself, praising his own knowledge on the subject. Yeah, it's the 'aughts now, he's tuned in to acceptance and shit. Words have multiple meanings, it's called the future, people! Someone being gay and retarded doesn't have to mean they're stupid anymore- it can also mean someone's like Leo: a guy who likes dudes and has some social difficulties, dammit! Cal needed to find a way to make his partner understand that he isn't helpless, he can say no, that he didn't need to follow every single command without question. He does what Leo says because he WANTS to.

"How'ya doing, Leo?" Cal started, his voice soft and hesitant. Leo flinched slightly but continued sorting, his movements methodical and almost robotic "I.. don't know, why do you need me to sort the wrappers?". Cal grinned playfully, scratching the back of his neck "oh, uh.. I didn't." Before Leo could react to that, Cal continued "I'm sorry. You were uh. freakin' out, and I know you had stuff you wanted to say but you weren't gonna be able to say much like that, I had to like, get you to stop thinking in circles first."

Leo pushed the organized candy wrapper piles aside with a sigh. "I.... I guess so.."

"I know you're upset, and I get it, hold on- I'm gonna come give you a hug okay?" Leo didn't make eye contact, staring down at the floor where he sat, but responded "..sure."

Cal shuffled over behind Leo, wrapping his arms under Leo's and hugging his chest lightly, feeling it rise and fall. He spread his legs out and curled them around Leo's so the lanky blonde man was embraced fully in his lap. Cal continued, trying to choose his words carefully. "I love you. I love you lots. You're alright, we can keep talking about it, but you need to breathe okay? Take as long as you need to get the words out. I'll be here."

Leo leaned into Cal's embrace, his body still tense but slowly starting to relax.

He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to reopen that dark place inside of him, especially now that he's calmed down. But Cal deserved an explanation, even if it was hard for Leo to give him one. "It's just.." Leo began, swallowing thickly "I believe you, and what you say. I d-don't think you're lying or anything... a-and logically I know what's right and wrong but... it's.." He closed his eyes, feeling Cal's warmth against him. It took him an embarrassing amount of time to think of what words to say next, but Cal never interrupted or questioned him, he just listened.

"...I know it's dumb, but I feel like.. Like I went too far, even if you don't. I feel like.. This is gonna be wrong and I know it’s wrong already, so... don't say anything okay? I just don't know how else to say it, okay, Cal?" Cal softly hummed in response before going back to holding Leo snugly "Mhmm. promise" "I know it's not true, so I don't need like, convincing or a lecture, but…. I feel like.. like a sexual degenerate.. I know, it's not how it works, but it doesn't.. click? In my head, it doesn't click that there's any normal explanation for why I got off to..." Leo trailed off, not wanting to say the rest out loud. "The.. punishment thing, we were doing. What I made you do because you ate the candy- you're an adult for fuck's sake.. and- and, hell, did you know I jerked off like 3 times in a row to it- when I let you take a nap and stuff? Which is fine and ‘normal’, I know, but..." He didn't want Cal to know how deeply rooted yet stupid and unfounded his fears were. How much he saw himself as some sort of reprobate despite being agnostic, deserving the equivalent of eternal damnation for not only feeling pleasure unashamedly, but feeling SEXUAL pleasure relating to the concept of punishment- that was meant to be the exact retaliation for such actions in the first place? How is he supposed to reprimand Cal for anything, even playfully, when he should be reprimanding himself tenfold.

Cal's grip tightened slightly around Leo's chest, pulling him closer. He didn't know what to say, but he knew what he wanted Leo to take from his response. "Leo.." Cal started softly "I don't think you're a monster. You aren't wrong for enjoying stuff, alright?" He paused for a second, trying to think of how to phrase it right.

"The punishment you gave me was because you wanted me to.. "pay" for sneaking candy. It's different from.. from whatever you're thinking of." Cal hesitated, not wanting to push too hard. But he needed Leo to understand.

"I mean, I guess you could call it a punishment, but it's not the same as what you probably grew up with. You aren't doing anything wrong by wanting to make me eat candy, or by getting off to it. It's not like you're hurting me, or forcing me to do something I don't wanna do." He leaned his head against Leo's shoulder, feeling the warmth of his neck against his cheek. "It's just... a game, you know? A fun, sexy game. We both enjoy it, so where's the harm?" Cal tried to keep his voice gentle, understanding how sensitive Leo could be about these topics. He knew it was a lot to unpack, but he hoped that his words would help Leo see things from a different perspective.

Leo sat quietly, letting Cal's words sink in. He wanted to believe him, he really did. But the guilt and shame that had been drilled into him since he was young was hard to shake off. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing thoughts. "I’m not stupid, I.. I know that logically. But.." He trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

Cal's arms tightened around Leo's chest, and he nuzzled into the side of Leo's neck, resting his cheek against his shoulder blade. He listened quietly, his own stomach giving a slight discomforted rumble at the thought of the candy.

“I wanted it. I wanted to be ‘punished’ because I snuck the candy. It's a good kind of punishment, you know? Like, I did something bad, I knew it was bad, but I wanted it anyway. And then you.." Cal felt himself blush a little. "You punished me good for it."

Leo stayed silent for a few moments, processing Cal's words.

Cal continued, "That's not the same as hating yourself for wanting to feel good. We both wanted to go though with it, and we both got something from it." He took another deep breath, trying to push past his own abdominal discomfort. Leo didn’t want to argue, or to continue this conversation at all, but maybe if he kept trying, he might finally say something that can accurately describe his mindset, “Cal, I know I’m not actually punishing you like some kind of nun, or a parent, or whatever. I understand basic context.. but when you break it down it’s.. There's something else, I.. don’t know…”

"You wanted to give it to me, and I wanted to take it. I really wanted to take it. Still do."

Leo sighed and leaned backwards into Cal, feeling his partner's stomach rumble against his back, then sitting back up a bit, not wanting to upset Cal’s tummy again. "I know. Sorry. I dunno why I freaked out like that, it feels pointless now, I just feel like I accidentally.. there's probably a word for it but, like... I.. tipped myself off somehow? Trigger... triggered an alarm, I guess? I don't even know what it was."

Leo really wanted to move on. Clearly it was something he couldn't explain correctly, and he doesn't want to argue with Cal about something he's not even sure of himself. He can't blame him for not understanding, but he's grateful that he's trying. Cal smiled softly against Leo's shoulder, glad that Leo was starting to calm down. "You don't need to apologize, Leo. We all got our problems. I can't stop you from feeling all shitty about yourself every time you get happy, but I can promise you that it's never gonna rub off on me." Leo snorted "don't say 'rub off on me' now." Cal returned the lighthearted jetting with full force "haha! Why, scared I'm gonna make you feel all good down there?"

Leo didn't laugh, he just sighed.

Whoof, tough crowd.

Cal sat up a little straighter, backing up from cuddling Leo. His own stomach giving a small twinge. "Aaanyways, uh.." he started awkwardly, "About the punishment.." Leo raised an eyebrow at Cal, who looked back at him with a sheepish grin. "Well, since I kinda.. threw up a bit ago, I think I can handle some more candy now." He chuckled lightly, trying to ease the tension in the room once again. It was all he knew how to do. "I mean, if you don't mind?"

Leo couldn't help but smile back at Cal's adorable expression, the guilt he felt earlier still present, but it felt a bit easier to ignore for now. He ran a hand through Cal's hair gently, "..If you're sure you're up for it." Cal nodded eagerly, "Yeah, yes please, I'm good. Promise."

Leo looked at Cal's flushed cheeks and slightly swollen lips, his own arousal starting to build again. "Alright then." He turned around and pressed a soft kiss to Cal's forehead before standing up. "Let's get you another bag, you're almost done."

As Leo grabbed the other bags, Cal couldn't help but feel relieved that Leo wasn't angry with him. He watched Leo's retreating figure, admiring the way his jeans hugged his ass. Heh. He knew Leo was struggling with his own demons, but he hoped that he could get Leo to be comfortable with his sexual interests. Maybe by exploring these desires together, Leo would eventually learn to accept them as normal and healthy, like Cal did. Also, he was bored and wanted to stuff his face again.

Cal took a deep breath, feeling his stomach roll slightly with anticipation.

Leo came back to see Cal sat back on the bed again.

Leo was holding the half-empty bag of candy and the remaining full bag. He handed the half-full one back to Cal, who took it gratefully and immediately started popping the treats into his mouth again. Leo watched as Cal's Adam's apple bobbed with each swallow, feeling a warmth spread through his chest. He sat down beside Cal and began slowly, gently kissing his neck as he ate. Leaving little trails of kisses up and down his neck, mostly falling on Cal's hard-working Adam's apple as he swallowed more candy.

As Cal continued to eat, he let out a small burp, then giggled apologetically. Leo chuckled, finding it endearing, and arousing. Cal looked down at Leo, his eyes sparkling with amusement and a hint of something else. "Mmm.. my tummy feels so weird right now." He admitted between mouthfuls, "It's like it's both empty and full at the same time." Leo stopped kissing and raised an eyebrow in curiosity, prompting Cal to explain further. "Like.. I feel hungry, you know? Like, really hungry cause I accidentally puked. But then I remember that I've barely digested any of this stuff and.." Cal paused to let out another small burp, his cheeks turning pink. "*Urp*" "It feels full, deep in my gut.. really full.. and kinda heavy.. like it's full of bricks instead of candy." Cal rubbed at his belly gently, feeling it swollen and taut underneath his shirt. He winced a little at the pressure, but quickly replaced the expression with a smile. "But it's.. it's not an alarming kind of full, if that makes sense? Just different."

Leo nodded, trying to understand what Cal was saying. It wasn't easy for him to relate to the sensation, but he could see the mix of discomfort and excitement on Cal's face and decided to trust his word. He handed Cal the last full bag of candy, his hand lingering just a moment longer than necessary before setting it down. "Here you go. Once you're done with that bag you're on, You've only got one left to go. You can take your time." Cal quickly scarfed down what remained inside the current bag, and moved on to the next one, giving Leo's hand a quick squeeze before diving back in and feeding the candy to himself while Leo felt him up. Leo couldn't help but feel a little turned on simply by Cal's insane determination to finish his punishment, despite the obvious discomfort he was in. He shifted slightly, trying to ignore the growing bulge in his pants- Ah, who was he kidding.

Leo threw care to the wind and returned to peppering Cal's neck with tender kisses, savoring the feeling of his soft skin. As he did, he couldn't help but notice just how soft and supple Cal's neck had become recently. Was he gaining weight? Leo found himself wondering, not entirely disapprovingly.

It wasn't as if Cal was fat - far from it, he just had a chubby belly- but there was definitely a small difference. He let his hand rest on Cal's shoulder for a moment, pulling back and catching his breath, feeling the slight tremble of the other boy's body as he continued to stuff himself with candy.

As Cal continued to consume the candy, his burps grew deeper and more pronounced. They echoed through the quiet room, sounding old and fermented, definitely needing to come out. Leo couldn't help but soak in the sounds, even as he felt a pang of concern. Cal was definitely enjoying himself, but Leo couldn't ignore the potential consequences.

"Hey Cal," Leo started softly, rubbing small circles on Cal's belly with one hand while holding himself up with the other arm, "Your belly is really hard down here." He pressed slightly on Cal's lower abdomen, eliciting a small grunt from him. "Yeah.." Cal agreed, wincing slightly at the pressure, "*urrr*" He shifted uncomfortably, trying to ignore the sensation inside of him. "Does it hurt?" Leo asked, genuine worry lacing his words. Cal shook his head, "No.. not any more than the rest of my stomach.." He paused, considering his words carefully, "It just.. feels full. And kind of heavy. 'Feels glorpy." Leo couldn't help but chuckle at Cal's description. He thinks he knows what he meant? "Maybe you're constipated? Have you actually, like, went since before Halloween?" Leo suggested gently, continuing to rub circles on Cal's lower tummy. He could feel the tension in Cal's muscles, could sense his discomfort. Cal looked at Leo with wide eyes, then burst out laughing. "What?" Leo asked, confused by Cal's sudden laughter. Cal shook his head, "Nothing, it's just.. I can't believe we're having this conversation." He giggled again, before letting out another loud burp, "*URRP*" This time, however, he looked a little embarrassed. "But uh, no, I haven’t. And I haven't even been able to uhm. Fart either. So. That would explain that.. sorry. Didn't even think about that kind of thing."

Leo smiled reassuringly at him, "It's alright, it happens." He leaned forward and kissed Cal's forehead again. "Before this actually fucks you up, I can go get some medicine to help? You don't gotta take a full dosage or anything, just a bit to get your body working normally again? I know puking doesn’t bother you and whatever, but seeing you sick bothers me. And candy isn't really a good thing to have stuck in your system for so long.." He offered. Cal nodded gratefully, still chuckling to himself.

Leo stood up and walked over to the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and rummaging around until he found what he was looking for - a small bottle of laxative pills. He popped the top off and shook out a pill, then walked to the kitchen to grab a knife and try and slice it in half. The halves ended up being a bit uneven, so he just put the bigger one back in for another time and took the smaller one to Cal.

Leo made his way back to the bedroom, holding out his hand. "Here, take this. It broke it in half so it's like a microdose, just enough to help things along a little. You probably won't shit yourself." Cal took the pill fragment from him and swallowed it down with a mouthful of various chocolate candies, then resumed his task of unwrapping his next mouthful of candy victims as he chewed.

Leo couldn't help but watch as Cal's stomach grew rounder and tighter, straining against the confines of his shirt. It looked like he had a small baby-bump.

As Cal continued to eat, his stomach began to growl and slosh loudly, drawing Leo's attention. The sound was strangely erotic, and Leo found himself getting turned on again. Cal would squirm slightly at the noise, but didn't stop eating. He was so close to finishing, he could taste victory. He was so ready to taste anything other than candy.

Leo couldn't help himself, and resumed his gentle ministrations, rubbing circles into Cal's belly and occasionally pressing kisses onto it. After around 7 minutes he could definitely hear some of the rumbling and churning in Cal's lower belly.

"You okay?" Leo asked softly, genuine concern in his voice. Cal nodded, mouth full of candy, "Mmmhmm" He managed to mumble through a mouthful of chocolate.

Leo watched as Cal would start letting out (or rather keeping in) closed-mouth burps. He was getting so full that his body couldn't even wait for his mouth to be free, and just pushed up the gas regardless. He loved hearing deep rumbles within Cal's overstuffed tummy as they traveled upwards, then seeing his cheeks puffing up as he burped, keeping his lips closed so as not to lose the mouthful of candy he was chewing.

Leo couldn't help how hard he was. He shifted his position slightly. Cal was laid against the pillows on the bed, sitting up only slightly, so Leo lay beside him, sort of spooning him in a way. Leo's head lay beside Cal's full tummy, his ear pressed against it while he rubbed with his free hand that wasn't being laid on..

With his hand resting on Cal's distended abdomen and his ear listening directly in on the action inside like a stethoscope, it felt like a full sensory experience. The sound and feel of Cal's stomach churning beneath his palm was oddly satisfying. He could hear the candy sloshing around, and the gurgles and rumbles that seemed to bubble and boil within. Each grunt and sigh was but an echo in the background of the churning. He could hear gas rumble up and out from the depths of his stomach to beyond Cal's lips as belches, as well as when he tried to suppress them.

Leo began to rub himself against Cal's leg, enjoying the friction it provided. Cal didn't seem to notice - or perhaps he was too focused on finishing the last bag of candy. Leo closed his eyes and let out a soft groan, pressing himself ever so slightly harder against Cal. The sounds were amplified like this, almost like music to his ears. He could feel the vibrations traveling through Cal's body, and he knew that soon enough, he wouldn't be able to hold back any longer.

Cal finally finished the last piece of candy and let out a long, contented groan. His stomach was painfully full, but he managed to swallow down the last bits of saliva and candy mush.

He took a moment to breathe, catching his breath after shoveling candy into it nonstop for over an hour again. Leo was worked up and clung to his side, and Cal couldn't ignore the hardness pressed against his thigh. He glanced down, then back at Leo with a raised eyebrow. "What's going on down there?" He asked teasingly, a small smirk playing on his lips.

Leo blushed, realizing that Cal had caught on.

Cal giggled, "Awww, you're *hic* turned on by my tummy noises, aren't you? Yeah, it’s super rumbly in there." he teased again. Leo nodded, unable to form words. He was too lost in the symphony of Cal's digestive system. The wet sloshes, the gurgles and growls that rose up from deep within, hearing him burp from the inside-ish. It was all so...intoxicating. He could feel precum wetting the tip of his cock and soaking into his boxers as he continued to grind against Cal's thigh.

Cal didn't say it out loud, but he was feeling a little nauseous now that he was back to being just as full as he was before everything was unceremoniously forced up and out, but he was determined to hold it all down, not wanting a repeat of earlier.

Leo groaned, realizing that he was dangerously close to cumming in his jeans. He pulled back slightly from Cal, his breath coming out in ragged pants. "Cal...I can't keep this up much longer," he admitted, gripping onto as much of Cal’s shirt that he could manage. "I need to take care of this soon." He glanced over at Cal, who was still smirking at him despite his discomfort. Cal's eyes widened a bit at the thought of Leo cumming in his pants right there. It wouldn't be the first time, nor the 5th time. But then his smirk grew wider as he had a sugar-fueled idea, "Well, what do you want to do then?"

Leo sat up, looking down at Cal's sweaty, candy-covered mouth. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "I don't know..." he trailed off, thinking aloud. "I want to do something for you too..." Cal chuckled softly, "*Ahem* Well I think I've had my fill of candy and stuff for today, if I gotta taste one more sweet thing, I'm gonna puke again." he said, patting his bloated stomach. "*Burp* unf.. sorry, couldn't hold that one in." He looked over at Leo, considering his options. Just something to get the sugary taste out of his mouth. "Maybe...something salty?"

Leo's mind should have gone to dirty places, and usually it would, but right now he was very focused on not moving his hips or legs at all so as not to cause any friction near his crotch that could set him off. "Uh. I could make you a piece of toast- or I think there's some bacon left over?" He thought aloud.

Cal would have belly-laughed if his belly weren't so sensitive right now. Instead he snorted and chuckled lightly. "Dude, I mean I wanna see you touch yourself, up close and personal." He knows Leo does best with direct instructions. (Another side effect of him being nermal divergent, or whatever the term Leo used was. Something along those lines..) "I'll walk you through what you can do, just get situated in front of me, kay?"

Leo blushed furiously at Cal's words. He'd never had his dick so close to someone's mouth or face before, but the thought of pleasuring himself in front of Cal sent a thrill through him. He moved slowly, carefully, positioning himself beside Cal, and in front of his face. His hands trembled slightly as he undid the button and zipper of his jeans, revealing his hard cock straining against his boxers.

Cal watched with hungry eyes, licking his lips subconsciously. He was still feeling a little queasy from the candy, but the sight of Leo like this made him forget all about it. "That's it," Cal encouraged, his voice husky. "Take it out." Leo swallowed hard and did as he was told, pulling his boxers down just enough to free himself. He started stroking slowly, watching Cal's face for any signs of disgust or discomfort. But all he saw was desire. Cal leaned forward, his breath hot against Leo's skin. "Come closer," he whispered. "I wanna see you up close." Leo did as he was told, moving forward until his cock was only inches away from Cal's mouth. Cal licked his lips again, then opened his mouth, gesturing for Leo to budge even closer.

Leo groaned, his grip tightening on his cock. ...it was almost too much. He started stroking faster, watching as Cal opened his mouth and stuck his tongue out, waiting for Leo to cum.

Leo could feel the pressure building inside him, his balls tightening. He closed his eyes, focusing on not letting his hand slip and punching Cal in the face, but also the feeling of his own pleasure. Leo was so close. His voice was trembling and his voice rose in both volume and pitch as he moaned. Suddenly, as Cal shifted a little to get in a more comfortable position, a burp worked its way up and out. Cal retracted his tongue momentarily, burping just centimeters away from the tip of Leo's dick before opening wide again.

Yep, that was it.

With one last grunt, Leo came, painting Cal's tongue and lips with his cum.

Cal swallowed it all greedily, savoring the taste.

Cal sat back against the bed, a satisfied smile spreading across his sticky face. "Mmm...thank you, Leo," he said, licking his lips clean.

Leo had already fallen down onto his side, his chest heaving, still recovering from his intense orgasm.

Cal's own arousal hadn't waned, however, and he shifted uncomfortably. "But I think... I think I need some relief too," he said, looking up at Leo, batting his eyes. "I've been pretty good today, don't you think? I ate all that candy, and I even kept it down the second time!" Leo nodded, still trying to catch his breath. "Yeah you did," he managed to say, his eyes still glazed over with pleasure. Cal burped again, then groaned "I.. *uuuuORP*-guh... I don't feel like I can sit up or move, either.." Leo sat up with a grunt, crawling in between Cal's legs. His hand reaching under the rock-hard bloated curve of Cal's candy-filled belly and palming the bulge in his sweatpants. "I'd say you've paid your dues, fulfilled your punishment and whatnot," Leo murmured, giving Cal's cock a gentle squeeze through the fabric.

Cal let out a soft whine, "Please Leo...*hic-uurp* t-touch me...." He begged. Leo couldn't deny him that.

With renewed energy, Leo slid his hand inside Cal's sweatpants, wrapping his fingers around his warm, hard length. Cal's breath hitched as Leo started stroking him, his thumb circling the sensitive head.

Leo's mind was a swirl of conflicting emotions. Part of him was still coming down from the intensity of what had just happened, but another part was already imagining what Cal would look like as he came apart under his touch.

He stroked him slowly at first, savoring every twitch and gasp from his overfull boyfriend. Cal's stomach gave an audible growl of protest as Leo's hand inevitably brushed against it, but Cal didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he was just too turned on to care. Or maybe that's what turned him on. Either way, Leo found it incredibly hot. He picked up the pace, his hand moving up and down in a steady rhythm. Cal's eyes fluttered shut and his head fell back against the pillow.

As Leo continued to stroke Cal, he couldn't help but notice how full Cal's stomach looked. The thought of all that candy trapped inside him, pressing against his insides, made Leo's own lower abdomen pang with arousal again already. He leaned forward, placing soft kisses on Cal's belly as he continued to pleasure him. Cal moaned, arching his back slightly.

"Leo...I'm- oh fuck! Ooh, 'm gonna c-hah~...mmm~ cumming!" Cal managed to say between gasps. Leo looked up at him, meeting his gaze. Cal's eyes were squeezed shut, his face contorted with pleasure and discomfort from his increasingly upset belly.

"Go'head.." Leo sighed, his voice barely audible. Cal gasped, then slowly exhaled through clenched teeth as he came, his body tensing up before relaxing completely.

Cal lay there, panting heavily and still recovering from his orgasm. Leo couldn't help but chuckle a little at Cal's predicament- his round, bloated belly sticking out from beneath his shirt even as he lay back. He reached over to wipe off Cal's stomach, sticky with both sweat and cum- not that any of the cum was able to reach further than his belly button- and gently rubbed circles on taut tummy. Cal groaned, his belly protesting against the movement. "Ouugh... *urp* now that I've actually gotten off, it's really starting to hit me just ho-*hic-uuurp* uhhng.. h-how full I am.." still trying to catch his breath.

Leo smiled down at him "Maybe next year, you'll learn to pace yourself." his hand still rubbing soothing circles on Cal's distended stomach. Leo could never keep his hands very far from Cal's belly when it was full.

Cal smirked, "Well I dunno, if this is the punishment for sneaking candy, maybe I might just try it again. Seems like it's worth it." Leo couldn't help but laugh "Remember what you just said when you're on the toilet later trying to pass whatever all that candy and taffy's fossilized into since Halloween night." Cal's cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Leo pulled Cal's sweatpants back up over his softening cock, then stood up from the bed. "Come on," he said, offering his beached pal a hand. "I'll help you to the bathroom, but then you're on your own for a bit. I gotta clean your room so we don't get ants."

Cal nodded, wincing slightly as he sat up. Leo couldn't help but notice how much bigger his belly looked now as he sat upright. He resisted the urge to poke it teasingly, knowing Cal wouldn't appreciate it right now.

"Oh, and I gotta start drafting those movie reviews!"

Cal slowly got to his feet, holding his belly with one hand and Leo's hand with the other. He waddled towards the bathroom, each step making his fullness more and more apparent. Leo couldn't help but stare at his boyfriend's round stomach as it swayed slightly, barely jiggling. He shook his head, a small smile on his face. He's so lucky to have someone as sweet (and hot) as Cal in his life.

Once Cal was settled on the toilet, Leo went to leave before Cal called back "Oh, waitwaitwait! Can you bring me my Gameboy? Since I'm just gonna be chilling in here?" Leo laughed "Ohhh my god.. anything else your majesty?". Leo changed his direction, grabbing their shared gaming device to drop off and keep Cal entertained. Leo isn't a germaphobe, he thinks, but he swears that thing is used exclusively during long bathroom trips. He might have to sanitize the Gameboy too after all this.

"Alright, I'll leave you to it, yell if you need me." Leo said, giving Cal's shoulder a gentle squeeze before heading back to the bedroom. As he started to gather up the discarded candy wrappers into the empty bags, Leo couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. The tension that had been building between them all day had finally come to a head, and Cal had finally gotten the intimacy he wanted, and Leo had, for lack of a better word, milked himself physically dry for at least the rest of today, and had a clear mind ready to focus on cleaning and thinking up smartass horror movie criticisms to blog about.

He brought a garbage bag, some sanitizing wipes, scrubbing brushes, and some carpet cleaner- because if Cal's sticky state this morning was anything to go by, there's probably chocolate melted into every porous surface in the room.

...

Something was missing from his schedule, he knew it. But.. if he were to properly sit down and berate himself for all the things he's already put off berating himself for, it would take all day. He can't help but feel like he's delaying the inevitable, and getting himself more and more accustomed to self indulgence in the meantime...

Leo sighed, pushing those thoughts aside for now. He had a room to clean, movie reviews to write, and a constipated boyfriend to tend to. But later... later he would repent. To whom, he doesn't know. Himself? For someone who can't help but frequently please himself, he really is a difficult person for himself to please.

Maybe he could just keep delaying it. -----------------------------------------------------------------

[chevvy-yates]

WIP Wednesday

Got tagged by noone and making a new one!

But I tag: @dreamskug and @astarionhistears, @gloryride, @nervouswizardcycle, @streetkid-named-desire, @koda-shoulda-woulda-but-didnt, @robininthewoods90, @ouroboros-hideout, @wraithsoutlaws, @dustymagpie, @therealnightcity, @elvenbeard, @heywoodvirgin, @86maylin and @itzsassha – also everyone who likes to do it as always and no pressure!

Today I'm gonna talk about Thyjs on my wip as these unfinished thoughts have been sitting in my drafts for quite a while, so expect only a long text post — my mind still circles a lot about him how to portrait Thyjs the best way — mostly in writing but also in pics.

I know he looks all sweet and cute when he's together with Ryder, and I imagine he can be funny as well especially with his cute Dutch accent, but I think he definitely needs to have some negative trait too, since he's definitely 'the most sane' when it comes to uh … 'problems as a Night City citizen'? – as he's not from NC – and Europe being different than NUSA.

Since he's a soldier I think he should definitely have some form of ptsd. There is no way he doesn't have that.

The sudden loss of almost all of his squad definitely was the most traumatic event that happened to him, but also eventually led to him accepting he has to talk about that and accept and allow his emotions to come through, too.

I'm no expert (more likely a noob) when it comes to ptsd but I think losing his father two years prior made him more 'unemotional' than before as he was also drilled by Militech to be a war machine — to be strong, have less emotions to the point to shut them down. Maybe also combat stims provided to bring emotions into the background? (have to look it up).

He didn't see it happen how his father died, but he found footage later after he began to try finding out why and what really happened (Cynosure) that eventually leads to the traumatic end of his squad the more he found out. He always thought his father was indestructible. He looked up to him.

His tie with his father and mother was good, so no trauma through his childhood except when he got mobbed by other young teenage trainees for his albinism at first <- turned him into the direction: "show them you can do it nonetheless, that you can beat them in training", which led to Thyjs being one of the best soldiers in the end -> brought him to KCT and into the international spec ops team after many deployments worldwide.

So I think along his way to become a soldier and various events more or less traumatic (as he's seen a lot of death, destruction and had to kill on command, without mercy and even torture captives for information, was struck by lightning and the loss of his left forearm) he started developing some emotional numbness or psychical numbing. His affectivity went into the background (as he is not interested to form special bonds or a love relationship) and he's more distant towards the normal life as he doesn't have one (e.g. may not have spent his free time with typical army spare time activities like his other mates did. Instead he used it to train/educate himself even more). He cannot enjoy simple daily life and has to learn how to integrate again after the accident as his soldier career has ended. The loss of his future expectation lets him have no perspective at first and he feels empty inside and utterly betrayed by Militech. The army was his life.

Thanks to Ryder he is able to join the merc team and finds a new purpose (help and mostly protection of the team). Through Ryder and the others he learns to integrate himself into 'the normal' life (as I don't see merc life on the same level as soldier life). Night City is at first ofc too much for him so he often goes back out into the badlands to find some 'peace', away from the noise, time to think and breathe, process it all, grapple with all the new impressions and emotions that hail down on him. He needs some time-out once in a while to process the 'daily life' he consumes now every day as well. That may explain why he’s still a bit more distant towards Ryder/the team for a certain while as he has to learn how to get around with each of them and especially the impulsive character Ryder has until he knows him better, as he got offered to live in Ry’s flat. 

Then he discovers he slowly develops feelings for Ryder he never had felt before ever. They are subtle at first but get stronger and he accepts them eventually and starts to allow himself to show them to him. He rediscovers what feelings truly are, what joy is and how you laugh with a bright earnest smile on your lips and what it is to be in love with someone.

Last time he may have felt real and pure joy was when he was a child. As a small boy, before Militech school started, he was always obsessed over flowers and loved to draw. Now that he's a merc with having more spare time he begins to pick this up again and that's why he goes (and even asks Ryder to come with him) to art galleries and starts thinking about making art as well or just buys a bouquet of flowers he looks at for hours. Goes back to listening to classical music too. I think this is sort of his 'own' therapy choice to get back into normal life. He definitely sees a MedTech for treatment as well who may have suggested to him to just do that once they found out what Thyjs 'does enjoy'.

This will probably be super hard to write and I'll never reach that goal in perfection either but I try at least to steer it this way, be it only details or Thyjs talking about it.

Thyjs also opens fully up only to Ryder. He may be friendly to everyone (as he's learned to keep a fake 'joy' smile) and also likes everyone in the team but he only talks about his true insecurities in every detail with Ry. The rest of the team only gets a superficial version of it. That is my plan.

I always picture him more like a peripheral figure when the team enjoys e.g. a billiard play in The Afterlife. He's the one who just sits in the corner and watches rather than plays billiards. He's trained to watch the area and surroundings nonstop, so it's hard for him to let go of that fully — at least for a while.

Idk if Ry and Thy will ever argue about something. It's likely to happen but I can't think of any situation yet. I really do see them as one heart and soul and that they complete each other. Thyjs, being totally reserved, learns Ryder to be calmer while Ryder, being totally impulsive and full with all of kinds of emotions, helps Thyjs to rediscover and let out his emotions as well on top shows him how to live more normal (as merc life also is not that normal).

In fact I think everyone of my boys (except Jay maybe - maybe not, maybe he's got it too) had their own ptsd moments they have to fight with more or less each day. I don't want to analyze it entirely but thinking about it is just very interesting. But as said I'm no expert in that but I doubt there will be someone pointing their finger at me telling me "this is false what you wrote" in the end, so I spent my time with thinking about it and write down and share some bits and pieces.

Kudos if you read all this <3

—

*I've watched a video about a German former KSK (Kommando Spezialkräfte) soldier not long ago who has ptsd that came along with psychic numbing and he told a bit about what he did and still does to integrate himself into normal daily living, surround himself with people, regain his emotions (like to laugh) and for him it is working with animals as he has now four dogs. Hard to explain. But I got inspired by that and now I'm trying to figure something out for Thyjs what might be good for him to get back into a 'normal' life as he's no soldier anymore.

[yuraslefttoe]

hey, it's me again! I came to pester you with questions!! *there should be a scary laugh, but it sounds more like mean giggles*

(by the way, I’m thinking about sending you such long texts with questions (because I have a lot of them!!) once one or two weeks, if you don’t mind. . . . . . .you don't mind..??? (god, I hope you don’t get tired of me..!) I'm so sorry, please, I'm just very interested!! *qwq*)

ok, let's start with the sweetest part, prelude. ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT YOU REPLY SO QUICKLY, GOD, NOT PASSED A FEW HOURS!!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU HAD TOO MANY QUESTIONS SO I DID NOT EXPECT A SO SOON REPLY!!

I’ll remind you once again how much I adore your work (after all, you deserve it!!), and I’ll also say that I specifically shouldn’t talk about posts tagged with the  adm, because I’ve read your tumblr and twitter in its entirety several times, I even have a separate album in my gallery with answers that particularly interested me, there are several hundred screenshots there and I don’t regret anything! (sorry if my hyperfixation may be intimidating!!)

*=^._.^= ∫*

and now the questions!!!! 

1. my wife doesn’t have a tumblr, but her suggestion interested me and can be seen in the first two screenshots(the translation sounds like: “after the release of “red hour” I have an assumption that andrey is more... athletic than misha. either this is because of ferry’s drawing style, or he really has such wide shoulders")so now we are interested to know about the physique of your characters!! maybe some of them are thin, or vice versa, a little overweight. and what about physical training? did you have any headcanons for this??? ( by the way, when I ask about “characters” I mean not only misha and andrey, but also europe and maya, because they are also worthy of attention <зз) 

2. what about the abbreviation "dyusha" for andrey? in russian it is... not used very often, but still, it sounds very cute. so it would be interesting to know how you would feel about this? 3. I also want to hear about the names of the characters!! how did you choose them? I mean........ how did it happen that from ☺europa☺ you switched to 👹MiKhAiL👹?? (I'M SO SORRY, BUT MISHA'S FULL NAME SOUNDS SOMETHING THREATENING. MY UNCLE'S DOG HAS THE SAME NAME EHE- *ᕕ(ಥ▽ಥ)ᕗ*) 

4. and lastly, let's return to my wife for another moment. she suggested that andrey was now also in a time loop. what do you say about that? and also in enigma, she noticed that misha seemed to be addressing the second person in the lines: "and if you wanted to be anything more than just free" and "you’ve seen a hundred lies I see that all the time". is this second person a viewer? or maybe one of the previously mentioned characters??

the last photo, by the way, is one of the sketches that I found so far in my gallery! ^^ 

initially it was planned to attach two sketches, but andrey turned out TOO bad, I’m ashamed to show him. someday I'll redraw it into something normal.... maybe. but! I really like the pic with misha and the wolf(I hope this is the wolf you were talking about lol. google didn’t show me anything else, and I’ve never been to ikea myself, ehe...) 

(and I don’t want to post all this yet, because running a tumblr was certainly not part of my plans, haha)) I registered here solely to read your blog, and not to maintain my own) 

sorry again for possible illiteracy, and also for the chaotic nature of my thoughts, haha, I don’t know how to adequately express them in english.. and also, I’m really REALLY apologize that the text was too long, next time I’ll try to be shorter...

okay im gonna try and answer everything here in a coherent way so sorry if nothing makes sense

im just fine with lotes of questions :) answering asks and responding to comments is one of my favorite things ever and i brings a verry big smile to my face

on andrei: i consider him to be a skinny little gut but not exactly unathletic, and in addition i think he would have basic combat training and probably be good with firearms. misha is probably a very average bodytype, nothing special, not particularly athletic.

i do not speak russian (though ferry has recently encouraged me to learn so maybe in like four years ill be able to form a sentence) so i dont know anything about the short forms so you can do whatever you want. if you coin it and peoples tart calling him that i will not stop it from happening

i do not name my characters, i usually let me friends name them (i think that the only one i named was europa and his partner). going forward maybe ill try to make it more cohesive

the time loop idea im seeing thrown around alot is really cool and while i havent particularly wrote any of my songs about that in general i see it fitting into the loose narrative i have going on. also in enigma misha is definitely talking to andrei whenever he says the word "you" but it could also be to the listener because the entire theme of enigma is 4th wall breaking and meta shenanigans like that

that sketch is SO CUTE oh my god

[user-rui]

Soulmate!Seme!Male!Reader x Soulmate!Uke!Male!Insert

(U/n) = Uke name

(Y/n) = Your name

This is a text that has you inserting yourself and another male of your choice. Put anyone you want maybe it'll work out (though I've written it with male x male in mind). Also cross posted on Ao3 right here.

Soulmate AU: There are a few different versions but the one I'm doing is where an hour before the new year a red string will appear on two soulmates' pinkies (if one's soulmate is not born or dead, it will not appear). The string will disappear once it turns to the new year. Might experiment with other versions in the future. Enjoy~

-(Y/n)'s POV-

Hi! My name is (Y/n) (Seme last name) and I'm one of your average members of society. Nothing too special about me, just working my ass off to pay bills... like everyone else. This year is the 14th year I've been trying to find my soulmate. Yeah, I know. I've managed to miss my soulmate for 14 years. Whoever my destined partner is is gonna murder me once I find them. Honestly, after missing them for the fourth year, I kinda gave up and just took up the fact that I would be forever alone.

All of my friends had found theirs within the first or second year. But this lonely feeling in my heart kept on growing and growing and I really couldn't bear it anymore. I've earned enough money to live relatively well for the rest of my life, but money isn't going to get me a partner. Which is why I'm out at 12:46 right now, desperately following a glowing red string to wherever it'll take me. 

I turned a sharp corner and stopped myself just in time before rushing out onto the busy streets. "Holy shit, how much further?" I growled, looking down at my watch as I waited for the street light to change. 11:57... I'm gonna miss it again... I thought as I started to dash again. "5! 4! 3! 2! 1!" Fucking- "Happy new year!!"

Fireworks were set off as I turned a corner, praying that the string wouldn't fade away. But I was still too late, the once glowing red string faded into nothingness. I was too busy watching it to notice another person turning the corner as well. "Ow!" He and I yelp simultaneously. Rubbing my head, I looked up, wincing slightly to see what I had bumped into. Coincidentally, the other person also looked up and we made eye contact. His (uke eye colour) eyes are beautiful… 

A worried (and angelic, might I add) tone suddenly broke my train of thought. "Are you okay?" he asked, sticking out his hand so I could grab it. "Hm? Oh yeah, I'm fine. How about you?" I answered, taking his hand and pulling myself up. "No major injuries," he chirped, releasing my hand and dusting a bit more snow off of his legs. "Just a bit wet."

We went to a nearby hotel (cause they have laundry service there) and got a room. While our clothes took their sweet time getting clean, the male, who's name I learned is (U/n), and I talked a bit about the situation from before. He said that ever since he was born, there had been a red string every year and he was desperately trying to find his soulmate.

"That's quite some courage. What are you going to do if you can't find your soulmate?" His (uke eye colour) orbs had a hint of question as he thought about it. When he answered, he said: "As long as the string is there, I’ll make sure I find them!" I chuckled at his enthusiasm and got up to check on the washed and dried clothes. "You'll definitely find your soulmate before I do."

Another year has passed and it was about time single pringles would run around the streets trying to find their other half. I had been working out, along with (U/n) who decided that we should keep in contact. I was ready for this annual run, and I was determined to reach the finish line this time. (U/n) said he wanted to try a different neighbourhood and wanted to test his luck there, so I drove him there and dropped him off.

I found a crowded plaza close to him and parked my car, waiting for this ghost of a red string to appear once again. I dozed off thinking about what my significant other could look like. It would be nice if they had (uke hair colour) locks and stunning (uke eye colour) orbs... whoever it is could also have (uke skin tone) skin and be (shorter, taller, about the same height) as/then me...

I felt a rush of wind go past me as I see others running about the plaza, following what I see as nothing. I looked down and saw my own red string and snapped out of my thought. "Oh fuck, precious seconds I'm never getting back..." I cursed as I joined the crowd, running. Wind rushed through my sweat filled hair as I ran around the streets following the thin red string as it took me to... the neighbourhood I dropped (U/n) off at?!

"Damn it... if I knew they’d be here I would've stayed with (U/n)... What a waste of time..." I muttered, following the string, winding up and down the long roads to find (U/n) being harassed by a group of shady looking people.

"Come on! Just give in already! Your soulmate doesn't want you anymore so just stay with us! We'll make you feel so good!" 

I rushed over and punched the bitches in their ugly ass faces and snatched (U/n) back from them. "Fuck off! He has a soulmate and it definitely isn't any of you!" Those very shady people must've seen my angry expression cause it didn't take them three seconds before they were running for their lives. After scaring them off, I looked down at (U/n), who was currently holding the sleeve of my jacket. “Did they hurt you anywhere?” I worriedly asked.  "N-no... (Y/n), look at your- I mean our hands..."

I looked down and finally saw what I've been wanting to see for at at least a decade. The end of my red string was attached to none other than (U/n), who was admiring our hands like an art sculpture in a museum. His (uke eye colour) eyes were sparkling in the night, as he mumbled, "so maybe it was fate that we bumped into each oth- Mph?!"

I grabbed his face and hastily connected it with mine, just as fireworks fired off signaling the end of another year. Except this year would be the start of an everlasting relationship, bound together by lovely red strings of fate.

[nextstopwonderland]

Masterlist of Bryanwheeler (mostly) AV I’ve posted

BCC and other masterlists all here

Video clips

“I’m gonna slap Wheeler later”

“If you made me do a Mount Rushmore, Bryan’s on it for sure.”

Wheeler talks about the special moment he shared with Bryan Danielson

Bryan taught him this one

Bryan discusses “everything with Wheeler” being what he’s most proudest of

“You’re gonna have to get in real close” - Bryan and Wheeler issue an ROH challenge (includes screencaps)

“I couldn’t be prouder of wheeler Yuta”

"If he's gonna do what I think he's gonna do.. .we've been working on this!"

"I'm his friend, I'm his training partner" (includes screencaps)

"I don't think you know what you just did, for doing what you did to wheeler yuta."

“One thing Bryan told me one time, one reason he loves professional wrestling, is because whenever he’s in the ring he feels like he’s just meant to be there and he can just put everything else on pause. I’m gonna try to channel that tonight.”

“All I can really think about is those moments…when they had that bag over Bryan’s head"

Video compilations /fanvids

Bryan & Wheeler star in The Hike

Wheeler fan fest compilation

Only fools rush in (fanvid)

Bryan won’t say he’s in love (fanvid)

Video of Wheeler talking about his Bryan dvds and Bryan being on his Mount Rushmore

You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind (fancam/fanvid)

Death match supercut

Bryan and Yuta but make it a match.com success story commercial (fanvid/edit)

Ramage commentary compilation

Bryan has 3 questions for spokane

Yuta, post-betrayal, doesn't take his eyes off Bryan

Audio posts

Wheeler + his custom Bryan roh DVDs

Text posts

Bryan/Wheeler summarized

On Bryan’s injury

Pre-AEW Wheeler talking about Bryan

Bryan being Wheeler’s main training partner

In my feelings about The Hike (includes photos)

Bryan hits hard

Wheeler’s crush being broadcast in gyms since 2017

Bryan asked about mentoring people like Wheeler and Danny

Disciplining Wheeler

A timeline of Yuta's involvement with Bryan's Wembley journey

Yuta and Bryan, pre and post wrestledream

Yuta plus the Bryan clothes homage

More clothes homage (with Mox too)

"If there's one thing I learned from Bryan Danielson its you don't change who you are just because people around you are changing"

More clothes wearing analysis

Quote/photo posts

“Bryan has found that I definitely respond well to negative motivational tactics”

Bryan giving Wheeler what he needs since 2022

“We were hiking and we both did it”

“I got in earlier to train with Wheeler”

“It honestly meant more to me than actually winning the title”

Bryan bday quotes compilation post

"He's an incredible human being, and that's the part I really look at with people."

"To be there with Claudio, who I’ve known over 20 years, and Yuta, who I’ve become close with, it is hard to describe how much all that meant to me.”

“Its a difficult decision, it’s not one I took lightly, it’s not one i enjoyed.”

Video edit of full gear countdown

Photo posts

Bryan + wheeler + glasses

Bryan/Wheeler match screencaps part 1

Bryan/Wheeler match screencaps part 2 (includes video)

Couple goals, amirite

Wheeler’s got heartseyes

Bryan and Wheeler post death match & here

Collision photos and videos: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Them

Glasses + eyepatch

Protective Yuta once more

Yuta’s been by Bryan’s side

The Hike part 2!!!!

More hike lore

Hike feelings!!

Protective Bryan

"Pure" cinema

Walking Yuta out on Rampage

Rampage screencaps

After All In

Togetherness

Bryan and Yuta hugging

Post-dynamite screencaps

never forget the hike and shoot interview

Yuta and Bryan, mirrors of belt buckling

Gifs

Its giving i desperately wanna talk to my crush vibes (photos/gifs)

[celestie0]

ELLIEIEIEIEIE hi 💗💗

bae you should’ve HEARD the squeal i let out when you posted 😭 i like rolled around on my bed and kicked my feet for a good minute or two IM SO GLAD YOUR BACK BAEEE 💗

also bae omg im realizing how many mistakes i made on my most recent ask omg its so embarrassing 😭😭 im assuming you understood what i meant tho? 😭 IN MY DEFENSE I WAS ON THE TRAIN SO IT WAS BUMPY AND I DIDNT WANT PPL SEEING MY PHONE 🫠 like have you ever been in public and then someones looking over at your phone?? SHIT HAPPENS TOO OFTEN I SWEAR.

bae missing gojo so bad rn i turned to character ai 😓

anyway do u remember C?? yeah so i confessed and uh 🧍‍♀️he kinda just brushed it off and brought up another girl 😭 BUT GET THIS. THE OTHER GIRL IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS. like imagine you’re texting a girl who’s been your friend SINCE YOU WERE KIDS and KNOWING she has a crush on you and then you still bring up one of her closest friends relationship status. LIKE??? i’m being so fr when i say this i cried. i called my friend D in TEARS after i finished talking to C and D was just like “yo wait what happened?” and then i had to explain AND IT TURNS OUT C HAD BEEN ASKING ABOUT MY FRIEND FOR A WHILE. they danced together once at a party and apparently hes had a crush on her ever since??

okay but enough abt C,, hes an asshole and i never want to speak to him again (i still like him very much and i still need him but im tryna cope lolol) 💗 how’ve u been bae?? i hardly ever send in asks anymore so i feel like we don’t interact as often 😞 omg bae do u have any show recommendations?? i’ve been dying to watch something new lately but all the shows my friends recommend are ones i’ve seen already 😓😓

anyway bae thats all 💗 i hope you were doing well on your hiatus (even though it was short!) and i can’t wait for the next kickoff update ‼️ byebye and i love uuuu

-🦌

hiii my lovely <33 OMG you're too fucking sweet i swear you make me smile everytime i see you in my inbox. yes it's nice to be back i missed everyone lots :'') i still might take it a lil easy tho haha i realized during my hiatus i've gotta just spend less time on tumblr between my fic updates kdjfhsdkfjl

haha yes i hate when ppl look at screens. but i always used to look at people's screens during lectures in college to see what they're up to and what they're ordering on amazon HAHA i guess it's human nature to be nosey asf

omg NOOOO babe that's horrendous fuck C i'm so sorry you went through that :(( you deserve sm better than that. aww bb whatever helps you cope is valid, but i do think that maybe it's time to let C go...you confessed n did what you could, and even if he didn't like you back, he should've treated your confession w care n respect. the way he reacted is major red flag!! i'm sorry though, i know you've known him a long time, so that has to be really tough to go through :'') chin up bb, i promise you'll find better guys out there that will treat you w the care you deserve

i've been okay!! i had my last day of work on thursday which was kind of bittersweet, i cried in front of my PI LOL (he's an old german man and he's always been very sweet to me n i'm really gonna miss him aaa) i had social plans the past couple of days which was fun but i'm kind of an introvert so i spent today recharging my social batter haha.

ooo i've been watching bojack horseman recently!! i like it, it's funny and realistic, but i've heard it becomes a total shitshow (not as in it becomes a bad show, it's still a great show BUT the characters kinda stress you out)...i really like it, i've been recommending it to people! i like shows that are kind of cynical commentaries w an overlay of comedy though HAHA so if you're into that too, i'd recommend it. if you wanna watch a really good romance show, i'd recommend 'one day' on netflix!! it's like a slow burn friends to lovers, and the acting in it was phenomenal. no spoilers but i will give a heavy angst warning.

thanks bb!! yes my hiatus was good haha i appreciate you sm <33 love u tooooo darling

[edwinas]

(For unknown reasons I can't reply to your recent post that mentioned me I dunno why so I'll just send this here)

Thank you for the mention! Your ideas and headcanons are what motivated and inspired me to finally write a Lemon-centric fic, which is something I always wanted to do for a while! I know I've said this before, but I'm gonna say this again (I'm sorry in advance) THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for all the inspirations about Lemon! I wouldn't be able to write a fic about her in just one sitting without your help!

I love all of your gifs so so much! I love pastel gifs, and it's such a blessing to see pastel gifs that are only commonly found in bigger fandoms here for Mashle, and for one of the most underappreciated characters too! You poured so much love in every single one of your creation and I can feel that from seeing your gifs, so thank you for all of your hard work!

Please feel free to mention me if you have more ideas about Lemon, I'll always be more than happy to read it!

I'm sorry, maybe this ask feels like reciting the same one that I've ever said before, but I'm just beyond grateful for all of your help and passion for your favorite characters and series, in this case, Lemon! I feel like a broken record at this point, but allow me to say once more... thank you so much!!

THIS IS SO KIND, THANK YOU <3333

Thank you so much for appreciating my Lemon art! I spend days to weeks on each Lemon post, text posts and gifsets alike. So you liking them and writing effusive tags each time means so much, I always go and re-read them. That pastel gifset took the life out of me lol so I'm happy you like it so much

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm so glad that my text posts inspire you!!! They take considerably more time than gifsets because I have to come up with coherent ideas that have some basis in canon and that I'm satisfied with (which a HUGE challenge).

I love that we feed off each others' ideas and love for Lemon, I probably would have never written more than my very first post-canon Lemon post if it wasn't for you. There is no real Lemon fandom or community so I would have never bothered expanding on my Lemon ideas. I would have just daydreamed and called it a day.

So it's such a joy being in this two-person fandom with someone as positive and enthusiastic as you! This ask alone got me to continue brainstorming my Lemon and Kaldo training post so stay tuned for that :)

I was re-reading Finn's training to get inspiration for Lemon and the logic between Finn's object swapping magic being well suited for healing magic is flimsy at best i.e. both need "precision." There will be no shortcuts like this for Lemon's training. She's not predisposed to powerful magic or any magic, she worked hard to develop her binding magic we see in the manga. She and Kaldo will just have to work with Lemon's limitations which will be such a source of frustration for her. I do think a big part of the training will be more about changing how Lemon sees her own magic and herself in relation to it, for her to see value in even the weakest of spells because used properly and at the right time it could make all the difference. If you have any ideas regarding her training of Lemon in general, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Also this ask wasn't repetitive at all!!! I'll never get tired of receiving them and seeing how much you enjoy Lemon and my posts so thank you again for sending this!

[idiotwhotalkstoomuch]

CW. LONG POST for the immortal!mc... I see lady yuu having a personality like toph from "Avatar the last Airbender". People are careful around her do to her status and doesn't know why she likes to hang around adeuce and grimm, but she likes how open they're around especially when grimm calls her "his henchmen".

Immortal!mc: *has been calling grimm for an hour* GRIMM!

Grimm: *ignores her*

Mc: *sigh* *dramatically* Oh the great and powerful grimm lord of flames

Grimm:*smugly* hmm~yes~

Sebek: *windows exp crashing noises*

Has a Harry Potter the Half Blood Prince moment in alchemy class.

Mc: *reading potion text book* *under her breath* cut up the moon bloom? You crush the moon bloom *notice a lot incorrect information in the text book* CREWEL!

Crewel: *walks over* yes mistress yuu?

Mc: You let these children brew these potions incorrectly? I hope they haven't been drinking them!

Crewel: with all due respect mistress yuu the information in the book is correct i can assu-

Mc: I know you're not telling ME of all people the steps in the potion book is correct?

Crewel: *gulps*

Mc: you crush not cut the moon blooms and you use the blue spider mushroom and not the yellow puff ball mushroom! And the final product should be yellow and not a lilac color!

I see her having a staff or something of the like and it has everyone confused because 'she doesn't have magic' yeah she doesn't have magic but she likes to uses it like a walking stick. She likes to watch the students with Ashton during P.E occasionally hit them with her staff.

Immortal!mc: *bonks student* No your form is all wrong! *shows them correct form* DO IT AGAIN!

Somedays when Trein wants to grade papers he'll have immortal!mc tell stories of her youth, she tells the a story of a flying ship with a captain with a hook for a hand, a medicine woman of a young emperor and her ditzy henchmen, a shady voodoo man she met at a tavern, and a woman just as old as her who kidnapped a princess to keep herself young.

During chapter 5 vil catches her in the mirror chamber one day and askes her about the mirror the beautiful queen.

Mc: *walks up to the mirror of darkness, touches the side resting her head on the frame of the mirror* It's been a long time my old friend

Mirror of darkness: *appears* I you my friend I you...

Everyone in the mirror chamber: 👀👀👀

Vil: *in shock and awe* ᵂʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵘᵘᶜᵏ..

During chapter 6 Vil comes to yuu during vdc training camp and askes her questions about her relationship with the mirror of darkness.

Vil: Miss yuu can I ask you about the mirror.. again?

Mc: *puts down her tea* oh yes! I never did answer your questions earlier

Mc: long ago I heard whipers in a village that a house deep in the forest lived a very handsome man who had magic... he had a daughter a real daddies girl.. I found her odd at first as she'd ask him everyday if she was beautiful and he'd reply 'the fairest in the land'

Rook: *knows where this is going*

Mc: but like most people around that time he became sick. One day me and the girl went around the forest collecting herbs for his medicine... when we came back he gone all that was left was a pile of his clothes and a mirror..

Kalim: *blinking back tears* then what happened 🥺

Mc: the poor thing was inconsolable.. she locked herself in her father's room and refused to comeout. Though I should have told her but I found a letter from him, detailing what he had done.

Deuce: *on the edge of his seat* them what

Mc: he used the rest of his magic to turn himself into a mirror for his daughter.. i'd seen that once before when I stayed the night at a beasts castle, but thats a story for another time.

Vil: was the girl you speak of the beautiful queen?

Mc: yes her name Grimhilde... in his letter he asked if I could look over his daughter make sure she lived a happy and long life... though I feel I failed him.

KINGDOM HEARTS HAPPENS AND YOU CANNOT WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!

When yuu has the prophetic dreams before overblot and she's mickey in the mirror

Mc: *notices a shadow in the mirror above the fireplace* that shape seems oddly familiar...

Mirror figure: Aha

Mc: *eyes widen* KING MICKEY

Mickey:*in shock aswell* YUU!

The first years remind her of Sora and Co. and catches herself reminiscening about them. They don't know what to do when they catch her crying.

Ace: M-Mc! Are you okay?

Sebek: WHO DARES MAKE LADY YUU CRY I'LL HAVE THEIR HEADS!

Grimm: *rubbing against yuu worried* henchmen?

Mc: No no.. I'm fine it's just you six remind me of some people I knew years ago.

During history trein asks mc about the great war and if she knew the inside scoop on why it started.

Mc: which one? there have been many

Trien: many..? I know only of one..

Mc: yes! There was the first keyblade war, the first human-fae war, Chernabog's war, the inter-species war, the second keyblade war and the second human-fea war.

Lila: *who came to drop off some papers* two human-fae wars..?

Mc: oh Lila! Yes the first one is when I crowned Maleficent as queen and the second one happend when a close friend of hers betrayed her...there was to be a third on but the human queen that started it was turned into a goat

Trein: keyblade war?

Mc: when magic was just becoming accepted..*clears her throat* it was revealed that there was a secret society of heros who wielded keyblades. It was believed there was a world where all magic come from.

Ace: are there still people who have keyblades?

Mc: no.. the hearts of people to day are to dark..

Deuce: to dark..?

Mc: back then people hearts where pure, why? The keyblade wielders protect people from the darkness. The people believed in a world where all from, only the Wilders could access the world.

Trein: *writing every thing down* what was this place called?

Mc: Kingdom Hearts... but as most stories go all of them wanted control over the world, but they needed the X-blade this caused a war of cataclysmic proportions. It pushed the world into darkness and killed many and shattered the x-blade and scattered across the world... kingdom hearts was to be forever lost.

Scarabia mob: you where alive during all that!?

Mc: no, but a close friend of mine was, but I was alive during the second

Sorry for my rambling and if i broke any of the rules during this feel free to delete of so.. but This is where I'm gonna stop as I've been typing this up for the past hour or so.. 🙇🏽‍♀️🙇🏽‍♀️

No rules have been broken (I didnt have very much anyway lol)

I really like this whole post lol though unfortunately I have not seen kingdom hearts so idk a lot of references here

Also Yuu does carry a staff in formal occasions. Lilia made joke on her saying she looked like an old woman with that but was promptly shut up when Yuu recalled a story of Lilia when he was younger

[needleandhammer]

Prism

Pairing: Robert Pronge x Reader; featuring Jake Jensen

Warnings: 18+ only, dark fic, non-con touch, kidnapping, it's Freezy so yeah

Notes: Happy spooky season! I cannot believe the writers I am following have led me onto the Freezy Train 😳

For a year, you worked alongside Jake. He came through your office suite to set up new computers one morning. Designated the unofficial tech responder, you reached out to him often, asked questions politely and endlessly until he resigned himself to visiting your office multiple times per week. Somehow, the two of you ended up having lunch together as he listened to you grumble about coworkers adverse to seeking technological solutions on their own. Then going to happy hour together. Then texting each other; Jake followed your lead until the two of you could speak in memes and emojis.

Your friend abruptly left his job a few months ago. With no response to your text messages, you swallowed down the disappointment of losing touch with a friend when adulting kept your circle so small already. You only hoped he was okay.

Now, after a late night at the office, your coworker Carter lies unconscious in your peripheral. The person responsible for knocking out Carter stalks toward you. You’re scrambling around your desk trying to keep distance between him and you, this stranger with scraggly hair hanging over a pair of thick spectacles.

You’re so startled, mind trying to salvage some kind of escape plan that you haven’t even tried yelling for help. You hurl a solid glass paperweight at him. Air rushes up your throat – a scream working its way out when you see him dodge and strike forward at you. His hands circle your wrist, you’re yanked against him and a painful blow to the base of your neck sends you sinking into blackness.

---

You wake with a start. Where are you?

Your hands roam, grasping lightly across your body in search of any new injuries while you breathe past the lingering pain at the back of your head. At least it wasn’t bleeding. Assured that you were able to stand and move with relative ease, you’re on your feet and tiptoeing to the door of the bedroom. Your shoes are gone, dammit.

You swallow hard, breathing deep against grogginess and the aching pulse at the base of your skull. That fucker isn’t here so you need to act.

Go out that door.

Wait. You need something. A weapon. Anything.

A shaky breath forces your stark fear at bay as you look around the room. You make it to the open closet door.

A pink color halts you physically and mentally. Pink. You collapse to your knees and grasp at the cotton fabric. The word printed on the pink shirt triggers a breathless sob that you can’t control.

Petunias

Oh gods, did this deranged man kidnap Jake too? What can he possibly want with you and your friend? Is Jake in some kind of trouble? Questions bombard your mind, tangling into nothing that makes sense. Your head aches. Your limbs feel weak. Has it been long enough that your body has weakened from lack of nourishment?

Beneath another shirt, you discover a scraggly object. It’s chestnut colored, wavy strands that sends a creeping shivering down your spine. You quickly drop the Petunias t-shirt over it, as if to hide some vile creature from sight, and peer around the room again.

Damn it. No light décor or metal objects you can arm yourself with. You’ll have to be quick.

The door gives a creak when you swing it open, revealing a small galley kitchen.

Your heart skips – dread douses you – you freeze when you see the figure standing opposite you at the far end of this small building. He turns, arms falling from the curtained window, to look at you.

You reel backward; your hands reach and claw for something, anything that might help you in this horrible circumstance.

Right back where you started. You made it barely a foot out of your prison.

Your captor descends upon you. You shriek, push and shove against him but his weight follows you, presses you down on the bed.

His palm stifles your cries while he easily restrains you.

“Awake are we?”

You shake your head. You don’t want to hear his voice. You close your eyes. You don’t want to look at him – afraid that your eyes are deceiving you.

He tsks. “Don’t be a brat. We can make this part quick.”

Growling, you shake his hand away and snap at him. “What the fuck are you talking about? Let me go.”

He scoffs at the additional impolite names you call him.

Panting, you glare at him. “What do you want?”

“You gonna play nice?”

You try to headbutt him.

He sighs in irritation.

Your wrists are snuggly wrapped and tied to one bed post. You lean away from him as much as possible where you sit on a corner of the mattress, cutting him with a glare.

He still hasn’t answered you. That cold dread weighs down in your gut as you force another question out.

“What did you do to Jake?”

“Jake?” His smile grows.

“Don’t play with me! That’s his shirt. He – he has a family. His sister and niece, they’re…” Your words die on your lips as he starts laughing.

“Oh, sugar,” he says with a fond look your way. “Time to break the bad news to you. Your buddy Jake is…Well, you wanna take a guess?”

“You hurt him?”

The cold smile does not waver. You swallow down the lump in your throat. You already know the answer.

“C’mon. Don’t leave me hanging,” he purrs at you, waiting for your next guess.

You’re not ready to accept it, despite the tangible evidence in front of you. Despite the bright t-shirt lying in the closet. Covering the brunette wig. It can’t be true.

This man’s face, his nose, his lips. You feel like you’re going mad as you keep being pulled back to those blue eyes. The glasses are gone; you can see his full brows, the aquamarine of his irises. That laugh that sounded wrong, even though the tenor flows through you in familiar waves.

His hair is now a natural deep brown. It's shorter, lacking the gel that previously held it up in blonde spikes. The wig must have just been a precaution for when he showed up at your office. And his facial hair is grown out more evenly and that alone could have transformed the man you thought you knew.

He disappeared months ago.

You study his eyes – you know their exact color – and recognize the mirth glinting beneath dark lashes. But your heart starts racing when his signature crooked smile doesn’t appear. Instead, a hard smirk twists his face into a stranger.

“Jake…” Maybe you hope invoking his name as you know it will make this all go away - will make the world make sense again. Maybe you want to cling to an impossible salvation.

He scoffs softly, a quiet murmur of your name on his lips, almost remorseful. Almost.

“The name’s Robert.”

Gone is the awkward, clumsy colleague you had grown close to. The man you formed a slow companionship with during late office hours sharing fast food while ranting about administration or complaining about the local asshole that stood at the corner of your block shouting right-wing rhetoric to people trying to get to work.

Gone is Jake Jensen, the cute nerd you called friend.

Robert Pronge closes in, looms before you. His fingers skim your jawline before he grips your face tight, deliberate.

“I couldn’t leave you behind,” he says, dipping even closer so his lips graze your cheek. You grow stiff at the gentle affection. His grip loosens enough that you can drop your gaze.

“I…d-don’t know you.” You don’t know this man. “I don’t.”

Robert watches as you press your forehead to your hands. He supposes it’s normal - you haven’t arrived at acceptance of reality yet. Your frame clenches with stress, the physiological response to danger. Robert has witnessed this countless times with countless hits.

A breathy chuckle tickles your skin. He knew you well enough at this point. “You’re a smart one, sugar.”

“No, no, no…”

“And you know now that ole Jake Jensen. Never existed.”

Faced with this man’s remorseless confession, you steel yourself for the inevitable.

“Are you – are you going to kill me?” You raise your eyes. You'll look at this man's face one last time, you won't be deceived in your final moments.

That dark chuckle returns.

“You think I risked showing up in town just for a quick kill?"

He cages you in, enclosing you between arms thick with muscle.

"No, sugar. Wouldn’t wanna waste a sweet thing like you.”

His mouth is on yours and for several seconds, the heated, hungry pressure stuns you. Confuses you. You squawk at the sensation of him probing for a deeper taste, and start twisting out of his hold.

Strong fingers tighten in your hair and make you whimper in pain, stilling enough for his tongue to delve into your mouth.

A quiet moan of satisfaction rumbles through Robert when he accesses the hot taste of you for the first time.

Robert decided long ago. Once his mask is peeled back – that blonde, chirpy mask – he’s taking you as his. And he’ll make sure you get to know the real him intimately.

------------------------------------------

A/N: Hurrah! I have been wanting to write a Jekyll and Hyde inspired fic for a while. Tis the season and all, so I present to you all: "Jensen and Pronge." muahahaha. I am trying to plan this out as a multipart fic. 😏 I'm gonna try to make this soft!dark bc that's the kind of shit I'm into.

[bbugyu]

if you wanted to go to the moon, he would take you there.

plot twist | crash zoom | happy ending

16.1k (lol) | joshua x afab enby!reader, fluff, humor, suggestive, reader is ace lol, youtuber au, chef au, swearing, drinking, detailed descriptions of meals, mentions of past trauma including sexual assault, i swear it's not that deep, lots of implied sex but none on screen (yet), watching movies and playing video games, yes i am trying to set up all my friends, would anyone get it if i said r&r

welcome to part two of classic!! please enjoy this tooth rotting relationship garbo in which i basically announce to the world that i have a disgusting crush on joshua. posting this later than intended but i started working five tens so i'm 😅 a little tired lol. but joshua makes it ok <3

when you mentioned offhandedly that you had never had bibimbap in jeonju, joshua practically dropped the groceries he was helping you bring up the elevator.

"how long have you been in korea?" he asked.

you looked at him, wide eyed. "four years?"

he squinted at you, jutting his jaw out. "and you've never gone to jeonju? it's, like, the food hub of korea. how the hell?"

"i…" you laughed, exiting the elevator when the doors opened. "i don't know? it's never been top priority, i guess?"

"okay, well it is now," he stated plainly, following you to your door while you adjusted your bags in your hands to punch in the code. as soon as the groceries were safely on your counter, he pulled out his phone. "friday to sunday?"

you looked up from the vegetables in your hands. "what?"

he looked at you. "we're going. this weekend? i need to reserve the ktx tickets."

you laughed. "this weekend? joshua, it's wednesday."

"okay, next weekend?"

you stared at him a second, purely because you were in disbelief. "no, i have a demonstration next saturday."

he exhaled, looking at the calendar on his phone. "okay, and jamie's birthday party is the weekend after, so," he paused, looking at you through his lashes. "this weekend?"

you pushed your hands onto the counter and sighed heavily. "when would we leave?"

he grinned, knowing that meant he had won you over. "after i get off work? i can be here by 3:30."

"how long is the train?"

"uhh," he quickly searched for the tickets. "two hours. less than. we can buy snacks for the ride and have dinner when we get there."

you chewed your lip. "i have to edit on sunday, so we can't stay all day."

he nodded, inspecting the time table for tickets. "stay two nights, leave after breakfast?"

you considered that for a second. "i could bring my laptop and export footage on the train."

a smile crept across his face when you puffed out your cheeks in thought. "is that a yes?"

your cheeks deflated as you exhaled. "fine."

"yeah?" joshua grinned at you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and tugging you into his chest. "jeonju this weekend?"

you exhaled again, your arms reluctantly winding around his torso. "yeah. jeonju this weekend."

"you're gonna love it," he said, pressing his lips against your temple. "i helped on an article about hole in the wall finds there years ago, so i know all the good spots."

you giggled, pulling away to look at him with a quirked eyebrow. "you used to write for the magazine?"

he shook his head at you. "when i was interning."

"aw," you poked at his cheek. "intern joshie?"

he rolled his eyes, separating himself from you as you giggled, and he looked at you slyly from the corner of his eye. "joshie?"

you grinned, reaching out to pinch his cheeks. "joshie!"

he laughed and batted away your hands. "joshie?"

you: i think i'm finally packed

joshie: i don't understand why it was so difficult when we're going for Two Days.

you: 😡

joshie: 😘

as promised, he arrived at your apartment in a cab and stubbornly took your roller suitcase despite your insistence that you could handle it. joshua was always doing things like this - for you, you imagined, he would probably even lay down his jacket in a puddle so you wouldn't have to walk through it. but at the same time, he wouldn't fault you for kicking his jacket aside and purposefully jumping in it instead. he would probably join you, even.

he had joked with you that this would be like a work trip for you, but only because he was the one that suggested you film - plus, he reminded you, filming a full video this weekend meant that you didn't have to film next week. and to be perfectly frank, you wanted the break. if you could have a weekend getaway with joshua and then a week long break to have a normal routine without a camera, it was a win-win.

equipped with coffee and cafe sandwiches, you casually kicked your feet and happily sipped at your americano as you edited a picture of it for your instagram story. joshua sat beside you, also doing something on his phone, and you watched him with no intention as he pulled his airpods out of his coat jacket and offered one to you. you looked at him, smiling when he gestured with the open case again.

"i made a playlist," he said quietly as you put the airpod into your ear. he took the one you left and did the same, tapping on his phone.

the thought of joshua hearing a song and thinking of you making your chest flutter to life, the heat rising through you until you were left in a comfortable glow, smiling softly at him as a melody started in your ear. he looked back at you, double taking slightly when he realized you were looking at him.

"what's that look for?" he asked, a sideways grin breaking his face in half.

you shook your head, unable to change your face. "that's, just... really nice."

"making a playlist?" he hummed, settling back in his seat as you stuck your straw between your lips. "i didn't consciously do it. i just started a list of songs to show you because i thought you would like them, and this ended up being a good time to share it."

you sighed dramatically, falling back against the window of the train. "that's even nicer, you dickhead!" he laughed, shushing you and looking around, worried someone might have understood your slightly-above-inside-voice exclamation. "i know for a fact i didn't do anything to deserve the sweetest, handsomest, loveliest boyfriend on the planet, so what's the catch, mr. hong?"

his eyes went to the ceiling as he thought, kneading his lips once before saying, "i think you forgot funniest, too."

"ah," you said, a dry chuckle following the realization. "that's the catch."

"hey!" he laughed, eyes big as he pretended to be offended. "i know i'm funny!"

you giggled with him, mentally noting that you liked the song that he was playing. that he must have somehow picked up on why you liked the music you did. you thought about how you had the same thought, sometimes, when you were listening to music alone in your room and a song popped up on your discovery that sounded like something he would listen to. how you would immediately text them to him, knowing you would forget if you didn't send it right away, and he would react with some assortment of positive emojis. how he must have been doing the same thing, but wanted to be there when you heard them, and didn't have the same flighty memory as you. you brought your straw to your lips again, staring after him as he adjusted something in his bag, taking too long to refocus your attention to story you had been trying to post.

he later nudged you, getting your attention as you responded to an email on your phone, gesturing his finger with the melody, and you gave him a childlike look of awe, as if to tell him that yes, you agreed, this was exactly the kind of run you really enjoyed. he pounded a fist against his knee at the beats, pointing up at the key change, and you exploded into a stifled laugh, your palm covering your mouth. he laughed with you before he showed you the now playing page on his phone, holding it open dutifully as you quickly searched for it to add to your own library.

as promised, joshua provided great insight for the food tour the two of you set out on. travel day, he had told you, meant that you would have something easy - bibimbap and makgeolli at two of the best places he knew, apparently. by the time you made it back to the hotel room you had checked into before headed to the bar, you just about collapsed onto the queen bed.

"i'm so full," you exhaled, eyes dancing across the ceiling. "i'm never gonna move again."

joshua just laughed at you, toeing both of your shoes aside at the door before shuffling into slippers. "we have a full day of eating tomorrow, so you better move."

you let our a breathy laugh, rolling your head to watch as he flopped onto the bed beside you. "i'm glad you also plan trips around the meals."

he gave you a puzzled look. "is there another way to plan a trip?"

you rolled onto your side, tucking your arm under your head to look at him. "some people like sightseeing. or activities."

his brows were still ruffled in confusion as he looked away from you. "i like looking at food. and the activity of eating food."

you giggled, and his face finally broke to reveal the bewilderment had been a bit all along, his smiling laugh meeting yours.

you walked a lot the next day, and you were grateful for the light exercise to help your digestion a bit between meals. the local famous kalguksu for breakfast, a visit to a cafe for coffee before walking down a historical street together. you filmed with a smile on your face, shaking your americano for camera with a colorful background, just for you to pull down the drink and let the beautiful buildings and trees take the focus.

joshua could watch you forever, he was pretty sure. watching you conceptualise what you wanted this out of the ordinary video to look like, seeing the way you managed to be present with him, joking and giggling on your scenic walk, but squeezed his hand in warning before letting go, telling him quietly you wanted to get a shot. he had seen the way you filmed food, and how you filmed your kitchen, which was incredible in its own right, but this was the first time he got to see your process on the fly. when you went to work, as it were, taking in your scenery and deciding the way you wanted to portray it - more thought went into this than filming at the same barbeque restaurant for the fifth time, but joshua saw the similarities in the way your eyes twinkled when you saw something through your camera lens for the first time, even if only the first time that day. the way you would review the footage quickly, smiling at the way it turned out, but announcing that you were taking a second shot for safety.

then, he took you to another restaurant.

you barely noticed the passage of time, but when he conveniently "happened" upon the next stop on your food tour, you were pretty sure your stomach growled at the thought of eating an insane amount of dumplings, and you smiled at him in a way that made him want to cause it constantly.

if having your pick at dumplings was enough to make you giddy like a child, the night market was life altering. the food stalls were set up like they always were friday and saturday nights, joshua told you, and that meant you got to experience korean street food in a way you hadn't yet. you found the best pad thai you had ever eaten, succumbed to the tempting smell of grilled squid when passing a busy stall, and you even got served alcohol practically in passing, the specialty liquor being offered in a way that was hard for either of you to say no to. after a few too many, you had to stop joshua before he dragged you to a choco pie stall.

"we should eat more first," you said, gesturing to a woman making hashbrowns on a griddle. "while we have free hands. loop back around for dessert and buy some for the road."

joshua tapped his nose, then wagged his finger at you. "smart and hot."

you laughed, pulling him towards the hashbrown stall.

that night, you laid in bed beside each other, talking like you hadn't just spent literally the entire day together. recalling highlights of the day, sharing related anecdotes with assorted friends and family. you didn't even want to sleep - your body did, sure, clearly, by the way it kept interrupting your conversation with yawns. joshua would laugh, then yawn in response, and tell you that you should sleep. you would shake your head, a pout on your lips, and he would just smile and keep talking about whatever the yawn had interrupted.

being in bed with joshua wasn't demanding, nor was it uncomfortable, and you were pretty sure that meant something good.

you were making curry. he had mentioned that it looked good while you were watching some show the week prior and you couldn't get it out of your head. so, even though it was midsummer and far too warm for something as hearty as japanese curry, you decided you needed to make it anyway, if only for your own peace of mind. you invited joshua over to cook dinner for him, and he asked where your camera was when he arrived with your requested potatoes (you had some, except they were older than you thought and started sprouting), but you told him you weren't filming tonight.

"this ones for us," you said matter of factly, giggling when he looked shocked. "i don't film every meal, y'know. sometimes i cook things just for me."

he watched you dump the potatoes into the sink to wash. "what if it ends up being really pretty?"

"josh," you said, looking at him. "i don't make things that aren't pretty."

he asked if you needed help with anything, but you just shook your head and told him to relax. that you had made this a million times, and that you could do it with your eyes closed. he asked again if you were sure, and you laughed, scrubbing potatoes and using your shoulder to get your hair out of your face.

"actually," you said, raising the wrist on which you kept a hair tie. "do you know how? my hands are wet."

joshua smiled and nodded, coming over and pulling the tie off your wrist, careful to not get it too wet on your hand. "how high?"

"ariana," you said, making him laugh as you giggled. "as high as you can manage, but i don't really care."

he just smiled, taking your hair in his hands as you washed the potatoes one by one, and you tried to ignore the way you heart skipped a beat when you felt his touch drift across the back of your neck. he gently gathered it all in one palm at the crown of your skull, brushing through it with his fingers. "here?"

"perfect," you said, chewing your cheek and smiling. he pulled the band over your hair, tying it off tightly and pulled at the hair gently to keep it in place.

his hands glided over your waist, leading his arms to wrap around you as his chin landed on your shoulder. "not too tight?"

you shook your head, smiling. "you're multi talented."

"i have a sister," he reminded you, then put a kiss on your cheek.

you managed to convince him to sit at the counter, and he smiled and laughed with you as you conversed about anything that came to mind. he talked about his latest work antics, and you told him about a café you found the day before that you really enjoyed. he watched you skillfully chop vegetables and prepare chicken, flitting around your kitchen with a familiarity that could only be fostered by time. he glanced at the time on his phone, then looked at the door behind him that led to a bedroom.

"is karol here?" he asked. she normally would have emerged to say hi by now.

you looked at him before going back to pan frying the chicken. "no, she's in busan this weekend with some friends. she'll be back sunday night."

an alarm went off in joshua's head, and he tried not to think too deeply about the fact that you had invited him over while your roommate was away. sex hadn't even been a discussion on the table yet, but not because joshua didn't want it - because, frankly, he wanted it - he was just more concerned about you and your wants. for most things, he felt as though he had learned your thoughts and opinions naturally over the last few months, but outside of a few passing jokes, you hadn't ever mentioned how you felt about sex in general, much less sex with him.

so he stared at you, suddenly unable to ignore the fact that you were wearing shorts because of the weather, but they were hidden under the hem of the neutral toned apron he saw in your videos every week. or the way you smiled at him as you talked, your eyes glinting with mischief when you made a joke at his expense, but only made him laugh and want you more. he stood and came around the island, standing with his hip against the counter as the two of you continued conversing and you added the roux cubes to the pot.

his eyes never left you or your actions, and you noticed the way he inched towards you as your cooking became less involved and began to wrap up. you didn't argue when he put his arms around you again, watching you stir the curry with his cheek against your ear. he wasn't in your way, not even when you reached over to pull a spoon out of a drawer to give it a taste and make sure the seasonings were right, so you instead just enjoyed his presence.

you hummed, licking your lips briefly as you appraised the flavor. "not bad," you said, using the ladle you had been cooking with to pour more into the spoon you had just used to taste. you blew on it, then displayed it for joshua, who looked at you in his peripherals before accepting the bite.

"oh, wow," he said, making you giggle as you put the spoon aside. "that's better than a restaurant."

"thanks," you said, tapping the ladle on the side of pot to get the excess back in the pot, a spot of sauce landing on the back of your hand. you put it on the spoon rest next to your stovetop and replaced the lid on the pot of curry, quickly turning the burner to low. "now we just wait for the rice to pop," you said, spinning in his grip and licking the spot off the back of your hand.

joshua stared at you, desperately wishing in that moment that he wasn't such a damn man, because it was clear in your eyes that it was a completely innocent action. you got some of the delicious sauce on your hand, so why would you wipe it off when a towel wouldn't appreciate it like your tongue would? you wouldn't, obviously. he wouldn't have, either, if it had been his hand. but here he was, gaze fixed on your mouth as you pulled your hand away from it, and one of your eyebrows raised when you noticed.

"can i help you?" you asked, glancing down at his lips when he involuntarily leaned into you.

"i-" he swallowed. "sorry, i'm just-"

in that moment, you registered what his gaze meant. and while you were fairly oblivious to most things, you were far from innocent, so you put your arms over his shoulders and knit your fingers in his hair. "you're just?" you prompted.

there was a chuckle on his lips as he backed you against the counter, and he shook his head lightly. "i just think it's insane how into you i am."

joshua had this way of kissing you that made you think his life depended on it. he kissed you like you were in the final scene of an apocalyptic movie and he had come to terms with the fact that this was the end. like he knew that if your lips left his, he would magically disappear before he could tell you how much you meant to him. like he could stop time as long as he had you pressed against him with his hand on your jaw, but the sun was setting and he wasn’t ready to say good night.

when he finally pulled away from you, you were trying to catch your breath as his hands ran down your waist, and you stared into his eyes. his lips were parted, and his fingers gripped at your hips in a way that you knew meant he wished there were less layers between your skin.

your mind raced, thinking quickly back to how long the two of you had been seeing each other. how long you had known that you were interested in keeping joshua around for the long term. you wracked your brain, thinking about when people normally took the next step at your age, finding a discrepancy in the timing. you had made him wait for so long, but this was the first time you had noticed him trying to bed you - though, this was hardly subtle, so perhaps you had missed signs earlier? hell, the two of you had even shared a bed at this point, but you were pretty sure he hadn't tried anything then, either. you considered the fact that this relationship had gone for over two months without so much as a hint to take the next logical step, and you decided that joshua was definitely the only guy you had met in years that you would be willing to allow under your covers.

"the curry can sit for," you started, blinking rapidly as your mouth caught up to your mind. you swallowed once. "well, until tomorrow, technically, but-"

joshua's lip quirked upward. "did you invite me over to have me stay the night?"

"not-" you exhaled. his tone was slightly accusatory, but only playfully, and you found yourself more flustered by the question than you would have liked. "not consciously, but…" your eyes studied his face. "do you want to?"

"are you kidding?" he asked, making you breathe out a laugh, his forehead landing on yours. "did you not hear me when i said i was insanely into you?"

the rice cooker beeped, drawing both of your attention as it sang out a small tune to alert you it was finished. you looked at joshua. "are you hungry?"

he looked back at you, a smile sneaking on his lips. "i mean, working up an appetite wouldn't hurt, right?"

he let you lead him to your bedroom, which he had only been in once, briefly, when he had helped you put some lights away. the two of you admittedly spent most of your time in kitchens or restaurants, the remainder of your alone time being split between joshua's car and a couch to watch a movie, but joshua thought your taste suited his as he glanced around again, and that he would happily lose time in bedrooms with you. you kissed him again, and he was quick to pull you against his body, leaning into you, making you giggle as you bent backwards at the hips. "josh."

"what?" he asked, giving you a half lidded smile as his hand found your jaw, pulling you back into him. "stop leaning back and i'll stop chasing you."

"i'm-" you giggled into the kiss he interrupted you with. "i'm not leaning back, you're pushing me."

joshua made you feel like you were out of your depth, but in a way that was more exciting than scary. it had been ages since someone had been able to surprise you, or had helped you surprise yourself, but today he was doing both. the last time you had let a man into your heart, it had been less than perfect, especially towards the end, but joshua felt like home. cozy. he made you feel safe. like he wouldn't let you fall backwards unless your mattress was waiting for you.

and when you fell, he crawled over you, connecting your lips again with a hand against your jaw, the other holding himself above you, and you tried to restrain a whine.

"josh," you said suddenly, pushing on his chest lightly, processing fully what was about to happen and a shot of anxiety running through your chest. "c-can i tell you something first?"

joshua paused his motions, studying your eyes, his expression skewing scared. "oh, shit, are you a virgin?"

"what?" your eyebrows creased, a laugh on your lips. "no, what the fuck, josh? i'm in my mid-twenties."

he blinked at you. "there would be nothing wrong with you if you were a virgin in your mid-twenties."

"i'm not a virgin, joshua."

"right," he shook his head slightly. "sorry, i don't know. what were you saying?"

you chewed at your cheek nervously. "i just. i haven't… been with a guy in a really long time."

his eyes examined your face, looking for a hint at what you meant, because if it was only what you were saying, he didn't understand why you were so worried. "okay?"

"like, really long," you reiterated.

"baby, i promise," he said, forehead against yours. "i promise you, i don't care."

you exhaled sharply, wishing you could just enjoy things normal people did. that you knew what people wanted out of these encounters innately, instead of having to overthink them. "like, i don't want to… i don't know. disappoint you."

"disappoint me?" his head bobbed backwards in shock. "how the hell could i ever be disappointed when you're you?"

your eyes shut, grateful that he could still make you smile when you felt so out of your league. "i just mean that i-" you paused, trying to figure out how much you were willing to say, and how much you could without ruining whatever mood had been fostered here. "i just don't really do this. like, i feel like i don't know how."

"baby," he said, pressing his lips to yours briefly. "honey, sweetie, darling," he continued, punctuating each name with quick pecks. "you could starfish and i would have the time of my life."

you laughed, a hand landing on his shoulder sharply as he smiled at you. "okay, i'm not that bad, jesus."

"i'm telling you," he assured. "i don't care. i don't care if it's been months or years or forever, i don't care." he paused, appraising your expression. "we don't have to do anything. i'd be happy to just kiss you for an hour and a half if you're not ready."

"no," you whined, crinkling your nose. "it's not that, i just…" you took a breath. "i might just need you to take it a little slow."

"well, baby, you're in luck," he said, giving you a teasing smirk as his lips closed in on yours again. "slow and steady is exactly how i want you."

karol had said you hated men. she hadn't been wrong. you hated a lot of men, and how they made you feel like a prisoner in your own body. you hated the men you had encountered in your past, who made you feel small and weak. ugly and only wanted for one purpose, disrespecting your boundaries, your presentation, and your being. you hated those men, and nothing would ever redeem them for you.

joshua was different, though. he wasn't like them, because even though you didn't say explicitly why you needed a little extra care, he was more than prepared to give it to you. without even needing specific direction, he paid special attention to your reactions. to your body. he waited until you were ready, and asking him for more. and even when he sheepishly admitted that he'd started carrying a condom in his wallet the month prior, you could only giggle and silently be overwhelmingly thankful that he was truly nothing like any man you had ever been with before.

you swore you had made the same recipe you always did, but your curry tasted sweeter than you remembered. maybe it was just that you were eating it in your underwear with a man that made you feel comfortable in your skin for the first time in forever, a home improvement show remaining unwatched on your tv as the two of you joked together.

joshua woke the next morning in your empty bed, and was only confused for a second as he looked around your white walls. he stretched once, then sat up, eyes meandering over your orange patterned rug (one he remembered describing as "groovy" when he had first seen it, which had made you laugh in that way he adored), then noticed your laptop had been turned on. it was saturday, he realized, and you were likely going to edit today so you wouldn't have to tomorrow. he decidedly did not peek, though he wanted to, and peeked out your bedroom door instead.

you were easy to find, standing in your kitchen with an oversized shirt on and your hair pulled out of your face as you formed rice balls. you looked up from your work, smiling when you saw him, placing the triangle of rice you had just made on the cutting board. "good morning!"

it was, he thought. it was a really good morning.

you teased him for hugging you in your kitchen while he was only wearing underwear, saying that he seemed to have made himself comfortable quickly. he just playfully ran his hands under your shirt, saying, well, what about you, then? making breakfast with no pants on?

"i live here," you said, giggling and using your hip to bump him away. "i pay rent. what do you do?"

his eyes darted away from yours as he thought. "sit still, look pretty?"

that made you laugh. "you are very pretty."

he grinned, taking the opportunity to pull you into his chest again. "you, too."

he looked at what you had made, noticing the pot on the stove for the first time.

"soybean paste soup," you said, reacting to his gaze, then pointed at the neat triangles of brown tinted rice in front of you. "mushroom riceballs, and i'm making tamagoyaki next."

joshua blinked at you after processing everything. "do you do this every morning?"

"not every morning," you giggled. "but i wanted to today."

weeks later, you were biting your pinky nail to oblivion as you scrolled through comments on the video you had posted earlier that morning. you were sitting on the couch in joshua's living room, your laptop perched on the arm and your boyfriend fixing something to eat before the two of you sat to watch a movie. you had made a risky move in your video - one you thought would have been fine, but clearly people read more into it than you expected. joshua came over for dinner earlier in the week, when you had made pasta with all the delicious fresh seafood the two of you had found at a market the day before, accompanied by a simple salad and white wine. karol was working late, so you had set some aside for her, but that meant it was just you and joshua in frame when you filmed your usual table setting shot.

people were speculating.

you knew it was inevitable, and a few comments had pointed out the man that had eaten sushi with you in the vlog that included your first date, but at this point, the comments were flooded with questions and hypotheses on who the mystery man could be. most assumed boyfriend - which, while true, made you feel slightly annoyed - and a few wondered if he was your brother, or close friend, but they all noticed that his hands and voice had become regular guest stars on your channel. that, while you still got meals with krys and karol, this nameless, faceless man sat opposite you more often than anyone else.

the jeonju vlog is what sparked the most comments. people suspected some amount of intimacy when they realized this guy was travelling with you, too, and you probably would have thought the same if it had been someone you watched regularly. you had been careful with the editing, only including clips with food and the scenery shots that didn't star him (while you had filmed a lot that did, those were just for your own personal record), but you supposed it was in peoples' nature to try and find a romantic plotline in your slice of life.

"josh?" you said suddenly, pulling your pinky from between your teeth. you heard his vague noise of acknowledgment and spun around on the couch to watch as he cocked his head at you from the kitchen. "should we go public?"

"uh," he paused, looking at the scallion pancake he was cooking, quickly grabbing the panhandle to flip it. "give me, like, two minutes and we can discuss? i'm almost done in here."

you puffed your cheeks out and nodded, turning back towards your computer. "okay, baby."

when joshua came into the living room, the spread he had quickly put together across a tray you had bought for him (because you wanted it, mostly, but karol would kill you if you brought more home), he put it on the coffee table and sat next to you, quickly addressing the subject again.

"people keep," you paused. his eyebrows raised, prompting you, but he only chewed on his bottom lip to let you take your time as you hugged your knees to your chest. "people keep assuming you're my boyfriend anyways, so i'm just thinking-" you exhaled sharply. "should we just say fuck it? just confirm that we're a couple?"

joshua studied you. "you've always been pretty private."

you chewed your cheek, putting your lips against your knees. "that's on purpose."

"you don't have to say anything you don't want to," he reminded you, rubbing a hand against your back. you put your chin on your knees and gave him your biggest doe eyes, making him smile. "they can speculate all they want, but you don't owe them an explanation."

you nodded lightly as you hugged your legs and looked around, briefly studying the tray joshua had brought over. he had quickly stirfried some vegetables, grilled the frozen pork belly slices he always kept on hand, and even cooked your favorite premade scallion pancakes, the spread complete with several side dishes you had made together earlier in the week and two bowls of rice. your brows knit together, fingers itching to film how neatly he had put together a light meal for the two of you because you had said you wanted to show him your favorite movie without interruption, and he knew you would be hungry soon.

"would you-" you cleared your throat, looking up from the food and finding his eyes. "what do you think i should do?"

he let out a breathy laugh. "does it matter? you'll do what you want anyways."

you whined, pushing his shoulder as your feet dropped from the couch. "i'm serious, your opinion matters here. would you be okay with being public?"

"you're joking, right?" he laughed, adjusting his posture, and grabbing your hand to folding it between his. "baby, you know i care about you, right?"

your lips pursed as you nodded, looking between his eyes shyly.

"and you know i would never try to say that i, like, own you, right? like, i don't claim ownership over you as a person."

you let out a short laugh. "right."

he held your hand tighter. "i want to tell every viewer of every single one of your videos that you are mine."

your cheek puffed out as you smiled. "really?"

"especially the reply guys, oh my gosh," he rolled his eyes, making you laugh. "there's a place i think you'd like! i could take you, smiley face. yeah, get lost, creep. move along."

your palm landed on your cheek as you laughed. "shut up, are you serious?"

"you don't see those?" his eyes wide when you shook your head. "baby, there's so many people trying to take you out in the comments. so many."

you giggled, pressing your lips together. "well, there's only one guy that gets to."

"that's right," joshua said, a proud look on his face. "the ultimate reply guy fanboy."

you pushed his chest, laughing again. "shut up."

you decided an faq would do, but in the style of your regular videos. you definitely didn't want to just sit down in front of your camera and talk through questions and answers - that wasn't your style, and would feel wrong uploading. so instead, you spent a few hours compiling questions you had been asked often and organized them in a way that made sense, planning on showing your daily life. questions like what camera you used, what your go-to quick breakfast is, where you bought the clothes you liked - it was easy to plan them out to create a vague storyline of your standard day. you woke up on a wednesday (a day you went to the studio, because many of your questions were about what goes on there), excited to film but slightly nervous. as you set up your camera for breakfast, your phone buzzed on the counter.

joshie: good morning, baby! you got this! can't wait to see you tonight 🥰

you: 🥺🥺🥺 thank you!

the day went well, filming your planned clips on the subway and at the studio, and when your coworker asked what all the questions you were filming for were, you sighed.

"normal stuff," you said quickly, taking off your apron after several hours of cooking and shooting. "favorite recipes, what equipment i use… y'know."

yunhyeong nodded at you, his eyes squinting slightly. "is that all?"

he knew you. he knew how you reacted when you were nervous. how you could practically hide it from anyone, but that certain subjects would always make your eyes look slightly panicked and your speech speed up. the worst part is that you knew he knew, and your facade was almost immediately broken.

"and if i have a boyfriend."

he stared at you for a second before he laughed in disbelief. it took him over a week of bugging you about the guy in your videos before you admitted you were seeing someone, and even then, you only did because joshua had started picking you up from the studio and - against your wishes - introduced himself to your coworkers. yunhyeong thought about how protective you were of your privacy, and how you had never revealed something as personal as a relationship online before - partly because none of the people you had gone on two or three dates with had been serious enough to reveal, but he mostly thought about how you barely even showed your own face. that you stayed mostly silent when you filmed, and if you had to speak, it was a voice that was only adjacent to your usual cadence, as if you were trying to create another barrier between you and your online persona. how you had mourned your grandfather's passing and uploaded your vlog like normal two days later, but called out of work for the week following.

"and you're telling the truth?"

you exhaled, wiping down the stove top now that it had cooled. "yeah, shua and i discussed it. people are speculating, anyways, and it's not like he's going anywhere any time soon."

yunhyeong nodded again, organizing the spices as he put them away. "i'm happy for you."

you looked at him. "what do you mean?"

"it's a big step," he said, purposefully keeping his eyes from you so you didn't get self conscious. "you haven't been this serious about someone the entire time i've known you. i think it's really great that you found someone you care about."

you watched him spin bottles to be label out as you considered his words. "thanks."

he peeked at you, smiling. "of course."

yunhyeong's words rattled in your mind as you walked to the restaurant joshua had agreed to meet you at, filming your feet as you went with the intention of answering a few random questions with on-screen text in the edit. someone you care about.

you thought about how joshua had said the same thing about you when you had asked if going public was something he would be comfortable with. the way it has made your heart flutter. you wondered, briefly, if perhaps this was something more than just caring.

when you were editing the video that saturday, you procrastinated on the last question as long as you could, and when it was the only thing left to do, you escaped to the kitchen to make lunch in favor of finishing the part that was haunting you. your bagel sandwich was delicious, but you could barely enjoy it, mind clouded by the task that made your anxiety peak for seemingly no good reason.

it took you too long to finish it.

when you showed it to joshua, wanting his blessing before you uploaded, he couldn't hide his giddy reaction.

"it's okay?" you confirmed, studying his face.

he nodded at you, lips pushed together into a lopsided smile. "it's really cute."

"cute?" you asked, clicking through the video. "that's good, right?"

"yes," he laughed, squeezing your shoulder to put a kiss on your head. "it's great. post it."

so you did. and while you had gotten a tiny bump when krys excitedly dragged the two of you onto her stream that afternoon, you had no way of predicting the way the rest of the internet picked it up a few weeks later.

"r/relationshipgoals," jeonghan read off his phone, leaning against your kitchen island along with several of your friends that had come over when they saw the two of you on their newsfeeds unprompted. "'cross post from r/cutecouples, the most heartwarming boyfriend reveal you'll see this year.'"

"twitter, too," karol announced looking up from her own phone, seated in a barstool beside him. "you're a twitter moment. people found the clip from krys' stream, even."

you were on the counter opposite them, kicking your feet nervously to the beat in your head as you chewed your lip. you sighed and covered your face. "how long is this gonna last?"

"a while, hopefully," krys said, turning your laptop screen towards you. "your subcounts are insane right now."

you whined into your hands, making joshua appear at your side to put a hand on your spine. you took a breath at the touch, relaxing your tensed thighs on the counter. "it's okay to be nervous," he muttered at you. "but it's also kinda exciting, right?"

you exhaled deeply, letting your hands fall and your eyes trail to his before a smile broke on your face. "kinda."

so after you calmed yourself down, you managed to go through some of the posts about you, and you surprised yourself by letting them put a smile on your face. even the idea of having a public relationship had scared you shitless less than a month prior, but this… this wasn't so bad. seeing twitter repost the same video of you filming your feet as you walked into a restaurant, panning the camera up to reveal joshua sitting at a table and waving excitedly at you. the cuts you made to show clips that had landed on the cutting room floor of past videos - the footage you had taken of him pointing out the new wok you had started using a few weeks prior in a kitchen specialty store, and the goofy face he revealed after holding it in front of himself as he brought it back to you. the video of joshua grasping your hand, panning up to his playfully serious face as he dragged you down a boardwalk in jeonju, gesturing to the sunset. the unedited audio from your first date, when you had said something about it looking really good, and he had said something along the lines of how it would have been a waste if you hadn't recorded, and the two of you giggled together in a way that nervous new couples did. short bits of you swinging your camera around to reveal a laughing joshua as you tried to film quiet shots. a clip of him wearing a triangular menu on his head like a hat, acting as though it was completely normal.

you had a hard time believing anything you ever did would be viral-worthy, but even you had to admit, this was a pretty understandable thing for you to go viral for.

besides, it felt like it made sense for this to be the one thing about your personal life that ended up getting attention. it felt like he was an innate part of you at this point, and that you wouldn't be honest if you hid him.

it was august when he broke your heart.

"how could you?" you asked him, staring in disbelief. "you haven't seen lord of the rings?"

"okay, i lied," joshua said, still washing the dishes. "i saw them when i was a kid, but i don't remember them really."

"well, we're fixing that."

he looked at where you were sitting on his kitchen island - a well known habit of yours at this point. "today?"

"not today," you said, poking your toe at his hip. "this weekend, maybe? if we start now, we'll be watching til you go to work tomorrow morning."

he shut off the faucet and gingerly placed the pan he had just washed on the drying rack. "how many movies is it? i thought it was just three."

"it is," you said, laughing at his shocked look. "the extended editions are around four hours each."

joshua exhaled, leaning against the counter as he used a cloth to dry his hands. "you're lucky i like wasting hours with you."

you grinned, hopping down from your seat. "you're lucky i let you."

and that weekend, the two of you did just that - waste time, ordering delivery food for two meals as you camped out on the couch in various positions as the two of you got comfortable repeatedly. you couldn't help but recite specific lines, mouthing along with every word gandalf said like you had thought of the words yourself. you pointed out behind the scenes facts along the way, even, excitedly saying viggo broke two toes when he kicked that helmet, or how faramir's flames were a mirror trick. joshua watched you, because while he knew it was your favorite movie and he really should pay attention, he couldn't help but get distracted by his own favorite movie, and it starred you getting excited about something you loved.

you slept later than joshua that sunday, and when you emerged from the bedroom, you spotted krys sitting at the island with a plate of waffles in front of her, then found joshua leaned against the counter with a cup of coffee. he smiled when he saw you.

"i made breakfast," he said, gesturing to the counter.

you looked around at the spread as you walked over to him. waffles, fruit, bacon, and the promise of a fried egg upon request - a spread worthy of your own brunching standards. "what about second breakfast?" you asked quietly, in accented english.

joshua laughed, his arm wrapping around your midsection as you came over to kiss him good morning. "elevensies?" he shot back, in the same vague accent.

you broke your serious face to giggle. "luncheon?"

"alright," krys said, voice raised in annoyance when the two of you looked over at her. "i get it, y'all are in love or whatever, but can you have some respect for those of us who are lonely?"

you rolled your eyes, laughing at the fact that she had absolutely brought this upon herself by forcing the two of you together every chance she got, but joshua went cold when he heard her say the thing he had been thinking for a while, but was too scared to say out loud. the thing he felt when you grabbed his arm and told him that if he wouldn't let you carry the ring, then you could at least carry him with all the same dramatics as one samwise gamgee did. when you cried as frodo and bilbo sailed into the sunset for good, even though you had seen it a million times over. the sneaking thought that he was in love with you, but didn't know how to say so. he swallowed down the thought, shaking his head when you raised a questioning brow at him as you dished up a plate of waffles and fruit.

it didn't take you long to trust joshua enough to give him your door code so he could let himself in, but it took him a while to actually use it. he said something about not wanting to intrude, but you told him it was more intrusive to make you come to the door when you could possibly be doing important things and he was completely capable of getting in on his own.

"babe?"

you hissed. you had the thought right before you started this boss battle, that he would arrive before you finished and you would be trapped at your computer. you were right. "in here! gimme like two minutes!"

you heard him enter your room, and his bubbly laugh when he spotted your back at your desk desperately clicking your mouse and striking your keyboard. "wow, is this what you meant by important things?"

"please, please, please," you whined, intermittently squealing as you reacted to the enemy attacks. "i'll get off in a second i just need one more cleansing heart to ascend xin- fuck! not the stupid birds!"

he laughed again, his hand finding the back of your shoulder, thumbs pressing into the constantly sore flesh. you winced as he kneaded his fingers into your shoulder but exhaled, making him laugh lightly when you got knocked over by a boar. "hey, there's a boar there."

"yes, thank you, joshua." you quickly cracked a knuckle as soon as you had down time, sticking your neck out as he continued to massage your shoulders. "i think i have two more waves."

"waves? because it's a water level?"

you groaned into a reluctant laugh. "no shitty jokes right now, i'm trying to focus. normally krys and i co-op this one but she was busy."

he hummed, moving to stand next to you with his hand resting at the base of your neck. "wonder what she was doing."

"don't you live with her?" you teasingly asked, glancing up at him for the first time while sprinting across the platform, your game camera spinning uncontrollably when you suddenly pulled both hands to your mouth and gasped. "what the fuck, joshua?"

he stifled a grin, but it was completely obvious in his eyes as you stared up at him, blonde hair curled lightly to stay out of his face. "what's up?"

you stood from your chair, inspecting his head. "what the fuck?"

he laughed, wrapping his arms around you when you ran your fingers through his bleached locks hesitantly. "do you hate it?"

"i-" you blinked at him repeatedly. "what? no, i don't hate- what the fuck, joshua?"

"what?" he whined, eyebrows tenting at you even though his lips were still smiling. "does it not suit me?"

you held his head and squinted at him. "josh, you're hot. you look hot. but what the fuck?"

he laughed, finally planting his hello kiss on your lips. he watched the gears turn behind your eyes, puckered lips becoming a pout.

"did you go to a salon?"

he grinned. "krys did it."

you made a fist at him, scrunching your face for a second as you exhaled, looking down at the screen right as your last team member died, respawning at a statue. "that's why she used so many smiley faces when she said she was busy."

he put his lips to your cheek, smiling into your skin. "not bad though, right? you got a pretty handsome boyfriend."

and while you would have loved to roll your eyes and tease him, you were overtaken by a giggle as you turned your head towards him again, the tip of his nose gliding across your cheek. "yeah, i do."

his eyebrows went up. "wow, wasn't expecting you to admit it so readily."

you laughed, a light, carefree laugh, your palms on his jaw as you kissed him. "i have eyes, joshua." he just smiled against your lips, lacing his fingers together behind your tailbone, and you pulled away slightly to look up at his hair again. your hands went to his nape, fingertips against his scalp. "how long did it take? you have thick hair."

"we did three sessions," he said. "enjoy it while you can, it might fall out."

you laughed with him, brushing your fingers gently in his bangs again. "it feels fine, though?"

"yeah, i made this incredible discovery that i'm almost positive i'm the first to hear about it. it's called a hair treatment."

you batted at his chest, giggling. "shut up."

"make me," he said, the sweet smile on his lips making the phrase more playful than suggestive.

"i can't believe you surprised me with bleached hair," you said, plopping into your seat and exiting the game. "you know i hate surprises, right?"

"that's too bad," he said, his hand returning to rub against your neck. "i like surprises a lot. get used to them."

you puffed out your cheeks, sighing slowly. "usually people compromise."

"not on this," he stated. "i'm a gift giver."

"yeah, i figured that out when you got flowers sent to the studio on our one month anniversary, then again on our second, then here on our third…"

he was just smiling smugly at you when you stood again, maneuvering around him. "and you love getting them?"

you rolled your eyes, not even commenting when he playfully patted your butt as you went by. "they're always tasteful and it's nice to have some seasonal flowers for the counter."

"so you love them," he repeated. "because it sounds to me like you love them."

you laughed, reaching out to catch his hand in yours and pull him along with you as you exited to the main living area. "and what if i do? so what, joshua hong, if it makes my heart beat a little fast when we suddenly get flowers delivered and i realize it's the fourteenth? are you gonna call me a hypocrite because i vocally advocate that traditional chivalry is bullshit?"

he just listened to your playful accusation, more proving that you were self aware rather than egging him on. "no way," he said plainly. "you can still think traditional chivalry is bullshit, it won't stop me from trying to make you smile."

you felt your face heating up, your jaw dropping slightly to let out an annoyed huff. "cheesy, joshua. i'm offended."

"want me to make it worse?" he asked, wrapping his arms around your waist.

your hands landed on his chest as you squinted at his grin. "i'm scared."

he gave you a crooked grin. "happy one hundred days. i brought sushi."

your head whipped over to the counter, spotting the paper bag with a familiar logo. "from nori table?"

"of course, from nori table."

joshua had promised jeonghan that you would make an appearance as a couple at a party he was throwing the next day, and you found yourself almost nervous. you got on with jeonghan famously - almost enough to drive joshua insane - and you even warmed up to seokmin pretty quickly, but from what you had been told, jeonghan enjoyed partying, and you didn't really like getting drunk.

"you made it!" seokmin grinned big, spreading his arms to signal for you to let him wrap you in a hug. you laughed and greeted him, enjoying the friendly comfort, then watching him hug joshua after he let you go. "and you're blonde! life's good?"

"yeah," joshua said, making eye contact with you briefly as his fingers tangled with yours. "life's good. you?"

seokmin blinked before he said "yeah, good!" and your brow knit slightly before you consciously adjusted your face to hide the analysis of his hesitation happening behind your eyes. "this is your first time here, right?"

you nodded, smiling and following him as he led you into the crowded apartment. "yeah, it's been busy lately. but i finally made it to one!"

"well, you need to meet my friends," he said, continuously looking back at you even as he walked ahead, towards a corner of the living room. "you're gonna love them."

"aye, josh!"

you looked to the source of the call, spotting the guy pulling himself to his feet from his seat on the couch, arms wide in greeting to your boyfriend.

"hey, hosh," joshua said, a sideways grin on and his brows tented as he gave him a quick handshake into a hug. quickly, he put a hand on your opposite shoulder, pulling you towards him and quickly introducing you.

soonyoung initially went in for a hug after your introduction, but immediately noticed the way your eyes widened slightly and instantly pulled his arms down, leaving a hand extended for you to shake. you laughed, taking it, and apologized for not being a hugger.

"no worries," soonyoung laughed, and you wondered if he was always this pink in the face or if he had already started drinking. "seokmin will hug me, right?"

"everyone!" seokmin ignored him, pulling you towards the people gathered on and around the couch. he announced you to his friends then quickly went down the line - soonyoung, seungkwan, jihoon, dongmin, yugyeom - you repeated the names back to him like you would remember all of them, even though you knew you wouldn't unless they became regulars in your life, too.

jeonghan flitted by and expressed his greetings to you both some time later, intending to abscond with joshua for drinks and conversation elsewhere, but he stopped jeonghan from pulling him away before he put a hand on your elbow, looking at you meaningfully.

"i'll be okay," you told him, smiling. "go ahead."

he squinted at you. "you sure?"

"seokmin's here," you reminded him, nodding your head at the boy you had practically adopted as your own brother. "real quick, about soonyoung-"

he quirked an eyebrow at you. "what about him?"

you chewed your lip, smiling. "karol's been a little too focused on work lately, right?"

his eyes widened, thinking about your roommate. his eyes went to the man you had referenced, who was currently chanting something into seungkwan's face as he rolled his eyes. "karol?"

"what do you think?" you asked, looking back at soonyoung.

he blinked. "i think he'll drive her insane."

your eyes shone at him. "i think she'll love it."

he laughed incredulously, registering that you had asked his opinion instead of just doing whatever pleased you, and he wondered if that meant you trusted him. "you're right," he said finally. "try it."

"of course i'm right," you said, giggling against the quick peck he put on your lips. "remove him, jeonghan."

"finally," an impatient host shot back, rolling his eyes in a way that landed in a sly smile at you. "for what it's worth, i think your plan will work."

"didn't need your approval, but i'll take it," you said, smiling smugly at him. "i'll update you later."

the update you gave the next time you saw him, weeks later, was that karol had left the apartment every week since to go be with soonyoung somewhere fun and exciting, and you waved her off with a shiteating grin every week, culminating in the two of them arriving to krys' birthday party hand in hand.

jeonghan laughed, stealing a carrot stick from your cutting board as you arranged them into a rainbow themed charcuterie platter. "knew it. soonyoung loves women stronger than him."

you looked at him as he took a bite. "and karol loves someone she can take care of."

"look at us," he said, waving the half eaten carrot between the two of you with a lopsided grin on his face. "what a duo. we should hang out more. fuck joshua."

you laughed at him, then at the offended look on your boyfriend's face as he walked past. "now?" you asked eyebrows raised as you looked at him expectantly, and he laughed when he realized what the last words out of jeonghan's mouth were seconds before.

"please, this is a child's birthday party," he reminded you, and you laughed at the overexaggerated look he gave you to sell the joke.

you looked over to where krys was laughing with seokmin, soonyoung, and karol, then back down to your work as you nudged around quartered figs with a vague smile on. "seems like the kids are having a nice time."

jeonghan sighed, falling dramatically against the counter. "oh, to be young and in love."

joshua laughed. "karol's our age."

his cheek was planted in his palm, elbow on the counter as he gazed after the group. "i'm talking about seokmin and krys."

"what?" joshua asked, voice nearly cracking, and you let out an explosive laugh. "seokmin and who?"

"stop acting stupid," jeonghan waved ahand at him, then popping his eyes up to catch your look of solidarity. he pointed at you. "see? we're on the same page, which means we're right."

joshua looked at you and you raised your hands in surrender. "are you serious?" he asked. "my sister and-"

you landed a hand on his face, effectively shutting him up as you giggled. "shush, josh. just leave it, okay?"

"good idea," jeonghan sighed, straightening and picking up the platter you had finished. "dining table?"

"please," you responded, looking back and giggling when joshua looked just as dumbfounded as he had before you looked away. "she's an adult. seokmin's a good guy. let it happen."

he closed his mouth, stealing a glance at his sister. "he is a kindergarten teacher."

"and both your best friend and your partner love him," you reminded him. "she could do worse."

he gave you a look. "she has done worse."

"shut up," you said, pushing his shoulder in your friend's defense. "you've done pretty bad, too."

his eyes went to the ceiling, remembering the accidental altercation you had been forced to have with one of his more regrettable exes. "how many times do i have to apologize-"

"you don't," you laughed, putting your hands on his cheeks and focusing his eyes on yours. "but krys is an adult. she's allowed to judge her own partners, and even if she ends up being wrong, she's old enough to make her own mistakes."

joshua huffed, knowing you were right but not wanting to admit it. "sorry i'm trying to protect my one and only baby sister."

"yes, and you're adorable," you assured him. "best big brother ever. but it's her birthday, and if you don't start getting drunk soon, she'll be very upset."

drinking with joshua was fun. because he wasn't much different than yourself - he didn't get crazy, he didn't get loud. he just got loose. he let stupider jokes out, and he was more willing to join in on krys' performative comedy bits throughout the night. you found yourself falling onto a couch with him, giggling as he caught his breath after a particularly involved musical number.

the most fun you had drinking with joshua was in itaewon, long past midnight but still what you considered halloween. you had been dragging karol with you for years, but now you had a boyfriend, and she had a boyfriend, and you both had a new joint best friend, so it only made sense for you to get them all take the train ride out to your favorite part of seoul.

ratatouille. that was the only way you could get joshua to go with you. he wanted a couples costume and he wanted you to be the rat.

"this feels backhanded," you told him.

"do you want to be linguine?" he asked. "i can be sexy remy. i can find grey hot pants, but you have to be the one to attach the the tail because i have no idea what my butt looks like."

you laughed, resigning to your fate and buying the outfit online, then looked at him suddenly. "liar. i know you check yourself out at the gym."

"okay," he said, eyes on the ceiling as he herded a giggling you into his arms. "then… i want it to be accurate, so you need to attach it directly at my tailbone." he cocked his head at you after you settled into the hug. "i have to be wearing them, obviously."

"obviously," you said. "but unfortunately, i already ordered the body suit."

josh pressed his lips together and made a quick fist in victory. "awesome. i-i mean! aww, well, that's fine, i suppose." he sighed dramatically, convincing absolutely no one that he hadn't wanted this outcome all along. "i'll be linguine."

"i don't feel like fighting a bunch of gays in itaewon for your affection anyways," you said, making him laugh and kiss your cheek quickly before pulling away.

"grilled cheese?"

"is that even a question?"

it wasn't a question when you were weaving through throngs of bunnies and angels, either, holding hands with both him and his sister to not lose them in the crowd, karol and soonyoung trailing behind krys, all five of you on a mission to get carbs in you after starting the night off nearly too strong.

halloween in itaewon was different. it was special, you thought. you usually didn't like crowds, but this one felt good. halloween wasn't a celebrated holiday in korea, but with internet, influencers, and immigrants, the culture found its way into the new age scene. you loved an excuse to celebrate your favorite characters by paying them homage, and joshua had thought that was a noble enough reason for him to justify staying up too late and drinking too much.

you had just left the diner themed bar that you devoured griddle top sandwiches from, as well as another drink, and you spotted a familiar angel making a beeline for you.

well, not you.

"how many times have i tried to get you to come to itaewon with me?" jeonghan asked, pushing joshua's shoulder as soon as he could reach it.

joshua laughed, looking shocked by the sudden appearance of his friend. "you never agreed to be remy!"

jeonghan looked at you, and burst into laughter, making your jaw drop in indignance and whacking your fist against both their arms. "at least we're original. way to put in the effort, han."

he shrugged bringing a straw to his mouth, and you eyed the pink liquid that had clearly been funnelled into a water bottle. "i look better than all these clowns and you know it."

"there you are!"

jeonghan spun, the straw still in his mouth. "shit, i haven't lost you?"

seokmin gave him a sarcastic laugh, adjusting the shoulder of his soccer jersey as he walked up behind him, quickly adding to your small circle as he greeted you and joshua. you stepped aside suddenly, revealing the members of your party that had been lagging behind. "o-oh! it's all of you!"

you made brief eye contact with joshua, who was trying to not laugh at your less than subtle attempt. "you match!" you said quickly, pointing out that krys was dressed as a baseball player. "baseball, soccer," you trailed off, looking around for help.

"sports couple," jeonghan said loudly, slipping you a quick look. "cute."

soonyoung had to put his entire palm over his mouth to stop himself from exploding into giggles when seokmin went red in the ears and krys tried to change the subject as kindly as she could manage.

when you finally made it back into joshua's room, it was far too late (early? you could think about it more, but you preferred resigning to the fact that the passage of time was beyond you and moving on), the sun already starting to light the sky as it prepared to break the horizon. when you stole his toque of his head, he put his hand on your waist, backing you up against the closet door and gently working his lips onto yours.

you giggled, your arms landing on his shoulders. "aren't you tired?

"yeah, but," his eyes fluttering over your face. "i just really like you."

you were smiling when he pressed his lips to yours again. "i really like you, too, but we've been at a sweaty block party all night and we need to shower."

"together?" he asked, a spot of childish hope in his voice. "singular shower?"

you sighed on his lips, playfully threading your fingers against his nape. "if you want?"

the hot water felt especially good after trekking home in the cold without a jacket. and even though it was just meant to be a shower, he kept kissing you like it was something more, pressing you against the tiled wall and running his hands all over your shape. you couldn't stop giggling. pushing his hands away, saying you need to wash up, but giving him looks like you wanted him to keep going. you were running your hands over his chest, rinsing away suds, when joshua couldn't help but put a hand at the base of your neck, tipping your head slightly to deepen an already heated kiss.

"cut it out," you muttered against his lips, feeling them curve despite your eyes staying shut.

"cut what out?"

you looked at him, barely processing anything other than how incredibly handsome he was, even with his lashes stuck together with moisture and his hair slicked back against his head. "trying to fuck me in a shower stall."

he laughed teasingly, leaning into you again. "then why'd you agree to come in here with me?"

your back hit the tile again, and you giggled. "to save water."

and then he's kissing you again, a hand steady on your nape as he worked you open, tongue lapping against yours with a desperation that could only mean one thing. you whimpered dumbly, the squeaky whine escaping you with no difficulty as your hands ran up his chest, your grip longing for any amount of him you could get.

his lips leave you abruptly, asking if this was too much. if you wanted to stop. but you shook your head at him, hands eager to feel more of his shoulders, his neck, his scalp, despite your legs starting to give out. steam drifted between you when you told him your legs felt like jello from your full shift of partying, and if he didn't want to hold you up, you should probably take this to bed.

you were giggling as you frantically dried each other off, stealing kisses that were far too deep to be so short and longing touches that could have been interpreted as purposeful drying if you squinted hard enough, but felt much more like careful teasing. his hands felt right running up your body, and your hair was still damp, but that didn't bother either of you when you fell into bed together.

"i cant believe you want to fuck me when i was dressed like a literal rat," you teased.

he laughed, tugging your thigh up on his hip as his nose nuzzled against yours. "a sexy rat."

you giggled, lips parting when he kissed you. "a rat from a pixar movie."

he didn't miss a beat. "a sexy rat from a pixar movie."

you roll your damn eyes at him, and he just laughs, knowing that it mattered very little what you were wearing before, because now you were bare, clean, and safe in his bed, which was exactly where he wanted you for the rest of forever.

the sun was past its peak when you woke, stretching your sore spine and legs with joshua's arm draped over you. his hand seemed to wake before he did, finding your hip and squeezing gently as he took in his signature first breath of the day.

"g'morning." you smiled at his soft voice as he squinted at you, and you rolled into him to plant a kiss on his lips.

"it's almost two," you said finally.

he groaned, burying his face in the pillow. "too early." his grip around you tightened, making you giggle. "nap time."

you whined. "i wanna make coffee before it gets too late."

"i said nap time," he muttered, face still against the pillow.

"baby, i have a headache."

his head popped up, squinting at the bedside. "there's water."

you laughed incredulously. "i need caffeine."

he just pulled you tighter. "i need you here."

"wow," you said, wrapping your arms around him as he snuggled into your chest. "would rather i suffer from a caffeine headache for your own selfish need to cuddle than let me escape for two minutes to make a coffee and come back?"

he smiled, rubbing his cheek against your sternum. "mhmm."

you giggled, carding your fingers through his hair and resigning to a few more precious moments of uninterrupted snuggling before you could relieve the vague aching in your temples.

he did eventually let you slip out of his grasp, and you asked if he wanted a coffee, too, to which he just blearily blinked at you and nodded once. you laughed, finding a shirt in a drawer and pulling it over your head before exiting to the kitchen.

you hit the kettle first, having a craving for a hot cup of coffee rather than the usual iced, grabbing a mug and glass from a cabinet. the espresso machine sat on the long counter against the windowed outer wall, and your eyes danced across the outside world as you made the two coffees. when you returned to the bedroom, joshua was on his phone, and when you cleared your throat, he dropped his phone on the pillow and pretended to be asleep, complete with a loud snore.

you giggled, sitting on the edge of the bed and nudging him carefully. "get up or i'll put the glass on your neck."

he winced at the idea. "evil," he stated plainly, flopping around to comfortably sit up and taking the iced coffee from you.

you sipped your coffee and put it on the bedside table to swing your feet back under the covers. you shoved at the pillows to support your back as you sat, grabbing your coffee and phone to begin your weekend morning routine of checking the news as you sipped at an americano. "i brought you coffee in bed at two pm. i think i'm pretty saintly."

he gave you a fake laugh, making you giggle and push your foot against his leg under the covers in a half hearted kick. "is that why you said 'oh, god' so much last night?"

you groaned. "gross, joshua. and for the record," you said, eyeing him slyly as a smile broke out on your lips. "that was this morning."

"time is an illusion," he declared, taking a gulp from his coffee and setting it down to get more comfortable beside you as you began to read an article. "are we doing anything today?"

you shook your head, eyes still focused on your screen. "nada."

"nothin'?" joshua fished.

"zilch," you concluded.

"rad," he decided, a light tone in his voice as he grabbed his phone to resume whatever he had been doing before you returned. "do you wanna order breakfast?"

you let out a breath, your head falling back as you looked at him. "yes, oh my god."

he laughed, and his eyes ran over your face in a way you recognized well at this point. to you, it was him just smiling back at you, and you liked that it reached his eyes. but to him, it was the way he looked at you when he was memorizing all the little reasons he adored you, and it was getting harder for him to pretend it wasn't more than just simple adoration.

"question," he started, eyes darting away from yours as he licked his suddenly dry lips and swallowed quickly.

"pasta," you said immediately, pulling your phone to your chest as you gave him your biggest, most convincing eyes before a finger came up to demonstrate a point. "and before you say that's not a breakfast food, i would like to remind you that it is 2pm and i had to sit through a hundred of your italian food puns yesterday despite ratatouille being set in france."

he laughed, and you gave him a confused look. "we can get pasta, but that wasn't the question."

your eyebrow quirked. "what other question could you possibly ask me right now?"

unknowingly, joshua let his face settle into the same look he was giving you less than a minute earlier. "would you want to move in?"

your eyes ran over his face repeatedly, trying to register how serious he was as you considered the idea of staying in this comforting bed and presence for the indefinite future, and even you couldn't hide how nice that sounded. the only thing stopping you was that you couldn't bear to leave karol alone. you had been living together for over four years now, she had been your first roommate in korea, your best friend for years, and an inexplicable source of quiet but understanding comfort for you.

"i understand," joshua assured you, placing his hand over yours after you expressed your hesitation. "i don't know what i'll do with myself when krys decides to move out."

you nodded, studying his face but mind wandering to other things. "krys," you hummed, and he eyed you.

"what genius plan is that brain brewing?"

you shook your head, brushing the thought out of your mind - the thought that krys had said something about needing to find a new place soon. the thought that she had said she was never gonna properly grow up when josh was taking care of her, whether she wanted him to or not. "nothing."

but it wasn't nothing. it was a compromise - you and krys would swap leases.

"are you sure?" you asked her, elbows on the island as krys ate the donuts you had anxiously made that morning. you had brought up the idea to her days before, and she excitedly agreed, but something about it felt too easy to you.

"yes," she assured you, wiping her bottom lip clear of powdered sugar. "i swear, i'm sure. how many times do i have to say it?"

you chewed your cheek. "i don't want you to feel like i'm kicking you out."

"you're not kicking me out," she said matter of factly. "i'm moving out. it just happens to be the same day as you're moving in."

you pouted. "and you're moving into my apartment."

"yeah," she said, nodding. "i get to pay lower rent and have south facing windows in my room. i should feel bad about kicking you out."

it took almost a month to organize everything, but by early december you were just waiting for the date. you purposefully scheduled for a weekend, in order to not disrupt krys' streaming schedule and your video uploads, since you had planned to do a separate moving vlog about safely packing tableware. the weekend before, krys came over to her soon-to-be home for your usual monthly brunch.

flipping pancakes that day felt a little somber, knowing it was the last time you'd be cooking brunch while living with karol. you had been with her for four years, and it felt surreal that you were finally parting ways like this. not only that, but you were moving in with a guy. the idea itself scared the shit out of you - cohabitating with someone other than karol. you'd be sharing a room. sharing a kitchen. sharing all of your space - normally, that would scare you away from agreeing, but something about joshua made you feel safe. he made you feel like you would never try to get back the distance you generally held so dear.

months ago, the idea of sharing space like that while trying to decompress would be unimaginable, but recently, you found alone time with joshua just as healing as alone time with yourself, so the idea of being able to snuggle into his side every night actually put a warm feeling in your stomach. you looked at your friends, who were laughing and drinking bloody marys as you tried to keep up with their conversation. your brain swirled, and you looked back down at the strawberries you were cutting, suddenly realizing you had never felt that way about a boy before.

"woah, you okay, babe?" krys bobbed her head downwards to check your face. "are you crying? i thought only onions did that to you."

you threw your head back, sniffling noisily trying to force the tears back under your ducts. karol stood. "oh, my god, what's wrong?" she frantically put down her drink and rushed around the counter to your side.

"wait, yeah-" krys shook her head rapidly, then reached over to take the knife out of your hand, her face creasing into a worried pout. "what's going on?"

you gathered yourself, embarrassed at how quickly you had cried so hard over such a stupid realization. you almost laughed, realizing what a scene you were making. you never cried. you weren't even sure either of them had seen it before now, yet you were ugly sobbing over something that they all probably already knew.

you swallowed harshly, clearing your throat. "i think i'm in love with josh."

krys and karol always knew you didn't truly care about the gender of your hypothetical partner, but that you had avoided men for a reason other than your attraction to them. they knew you gravitated towards women for practically your entire friendships with either of them, they knew that you never liked to get genuinely drunk and instead took care of the rest of them, and they knew you had never been very interested in sex. these were all known facts about you, and your friends understood that you kept the reasons for these facts close to your chest. they respected that.

but you finally wanted to share why. and the why was your ex.

when you had imagined telling your closest friends about your trauma, this certainly wasn't the situation you expected - crowded around the kitchen counter as your pancakes went cold, and only because you had burst into tears. it wasn't the right place, you thought, for you to talk about how he got you drunk. how you were practically asleep. how you tried to push him away but your body was weak with intoxication and you were powerless against him. someone you trusted. someone you loved.

you had always been the type to fight your own battles. you could stand up for yourself without difficulty, yet he made you scared of men. of what they could do to you. he reminded you that despite your effort to air on the androgynous, you had a body that some people might enjoy against your will. he made you want to hide everything about you and your body, wearing baggy shirts and oversized hoodies every chance you got, avoiding the unwanted gaze of men.

but recently, you've been wearing shorts more. you cropped some old shirts you never got use out of anymore to wear to your weekly yoga class. you had even bought a schoolgirl outfit for exactly one purpose, which had been entirely out of your comfort zone until roughly two months prior, but you had happily worn to please a man.

but in your defense, joshua hong was not like most men.

his appreciation of your body never felt predatory, and it always felt like it was bested by his appreciation of your mind. he didn't treat you like a prize, or like you were his for the taking. he appreciated your body as yours. while you may have found yourself the subject of his desire, you were never an object, and it had been a long time since you had felt comfortable wearing the clothes you liked in favor of opting for whatever would hide the most skin.

krys was crying. karol was too, but she was more focused on hugging you tight as you wiped off the tears that had trailed down your face. krys rounded the counter, loudly vocalising how much she loved you and everything about you, and you laughed out loud as she let out an exaggerated wail.

"actually, though," she said, pulling away slightly and sniffling. "drop the address. we're rolling up on this guy tomorrow."

you laughed again, wiping at your face when your arms were free. "wouldn't even know where to find him now."

"good!" karol declared. "fuck that guy! cut him out! you're a bad bitch!"

krys pouted. "i'm really happy josh helped you heal."

you stared at her for a second, registering that she must have been right. you eyes swam over the counter, thinking about all the times he had helped you feel more comfortable with yourself. with everything. enough to let someone in. enough to love. "i guess that's what this is, huh?"

karol cleared her throat. "so, you love him."

a grin broke out on krys' face, and your eyes immediately rolled. "you love him."

"you love him so bad."

"you wanna marry him and make adorable little hong babies."

"oh my god," you said, pressing the backs of your hands into your eye sockets, annoyed laughter on your lips as they bounced off each other. "you guys suck."

joshua started acting… odd. that was the only way you could describe it. there was nothing specific you could name - maybe the way his eyes were moving slightly too quickly from side to side? or maybe it was the way he inhaled a little extra when you asked him what was up, only for him to push his lips into an exaggerated pout and insist that nothing was. whatever it was, it made you watch him a little bit longer, your eyes squinting slightly more than usual.

you called him the day before, asking if you could bring some stuff over in hopes of making the next day as easy as possible, but his response was quick and surprising.

"what do you mean, no?" you laughed, putting down the wooden tray you were deciding the fate of. "do you have a girl over?"

you could hear him faltering on the other end. "and what if i did?"

"good luck getting her to make you breakfast."

he laughed. "i'm kidding. i have a guy over."

"oh?" you asked. "jeonghan?"

"shut up," he chuckled out. "i'm having something installed, but it was supposed to be a surprise."

"joshua," you reminded him, thinking of what the hell he could have meant by something. "i don't do surprises."

"you do now."

you groaned, a palm landing on your counter. "what is it?"

"a sex swing," he said plainly, as though that were the most obvious fact that you could have questioned, and you practically choked on your laughter, not even letting him confirm that he was joking before you were folded over your counter. and quite frankly, you could not wait another day to let him make you laugh like that as a routine.

you finally seceded, but you were glad when joshua arrived - the suv he rented loaded with krys' things - because it was a signifier that the distance between you and said surprise was shrinking quickly. soonyoung had become a surprisingly helpful voice of reason as you went through your piles of tablewares, telling you which ones to leave behind and which ones to take with you. seokmin had even arrived not long after the suv in his own car, a few brightly colored belongings in his backseat. you and karol exchanged a look when you realized he had volunteered to help krys move, but said nothing out loud, knowing she would do nothing but deny the obvious.

after yours and krys' affects were swapped in the car, you looked around one last time before telling josh you thought that was it.

"wait!" krys faltered, realizing she didn't have a good reason to stop you. "i- uh,"

"they know there's a surprise waiting for them," he said, digging the rental keys out of his jacket pocket.

karol looked to you. "do you know what it is?"

"of course not," joshua stated proudly before you could respond. "i'm like a steel trap."

you laughed. "that's definitely not how that phrase is meant to be used."

he raised a brow at you. "that doesn't change the fact that you could never get that info out of me."

"they absolutely could," karol said.

"for sure," krys agreed.

"i just wanted to let you have this," you admitted.

joshua looked between the three of you with his jaw slightly dropped, and seokmin put a hand over his mouth while crossing his arms to disguise the almost laugh on his lips.

"well, i want to see your reaction," krys decided. "so i'm coming."

"wait," soonyoung asked, putting down the retro boombox he had been investigating, among the other things that had been brought from the loft. "like, the surprise?"

"does everyone know about this but me?" you asked, hands hitting your sides in exasperation.

seokmin looked at you with wide, confused eyes. "i don't."

you lifted your hands in a vague prayer towards him. "thank you for your solidarity."

"i wanna see your face, too!" soonyoung said, ignoring you both. "you're gonna freak."

"joshua," you started, turning to him with a look of dread on your face. "what the fuck did you get?"

"i told you!" he exclaimed. "a sex swing!"

there was an excruciatingly long second of silence, making your palm land directly on your face - just above your eye - before seokmin let out a surprised, "a what?"

"he's kidding," you announced, much to the teacher's relief. "and if he's not we're breaking up."

it was decided that the entire party would move to the loft for the surprise reveal, and you watched your friends pile into seokmin's car with your palms sweating slightly and your molars gently gnawing at the fleshy party of your cheek. because, truly, you didn't handle receiving gifts well when you knew what they were, but you didn't have a single clue as to what could be waiting for you in your new home, and that made you a little nervous to have an audience for your possibly piss poor reaction.

joshua's hand found yours on the drive to the apartment. "you okay?"

you blinked and looked over at him, his eyes catching yours between glances at the road. "i don't do surprises."

"so you've said," he nodded. his fingers squeezed at yours lightly and you exhaled. "do you want to know before we go in? you can just act surprised."

your felt your face soften, registering what he was offering you. "joshua, you don't have to do that-"

"i know," he said. "but if it makes you more comfortable, then…"

"no way," you said. "i'll just stop being a baby. you set up a surprise, the least i can do is participate the way you want me to."

he eyed you, then the way you laced your fingers with his. "but you are a baby."

you rolled your eyes. "shut up, no i'm not."

"my baby," he clarified, and you let out an involuntary giggle.

he was guiding you into the kitchen, his large hands placed over your eyes and covering most of your face by proxy, and you didn't quit your playful complaints for the crowd of your closest friends that had gathered around, their presence obvious despite your vision being impaired.

"ready?" joshua asked.

"josh, i literally hate surprises, do we have to do all this?"

"yes," he said frankly. "because i'm doing something nice for us and you're going to love it so can you shut up and let me do this the way i want to like you told me you wanted me to?"

you paused, hearing the way your friends stifled their laughter as you took in a deep breath.

"ready?" he repeated.

"yeah, i guess," you sighed.

the light was harsh when his hands left your face, and you blinked repeatedly at the kitchen that you spent countless hours in, registering what was different. then, it suddenly clicked, the stovetop joshua had always had was replaced by the blue vintage styled range of your dreams.

"joshua!" you gasped, hands going to your face as you spun to look at him, then back at the range. "you bought me a lacanche?!"

he grinned, hands snaking around your waist from behind as you stood frozen in place. "i bought us a lacanche."

seokmin leaned over to krys. "what's a le conch?"

she reached up and put a finger over his mouth, eyes fixed on you. "shh, they're communicating."

you rushed over to the range, joshua following behind you as you ran your hands over the polished chrome handles that you had stared at on the website for years. "and it's all hooked up?"

he nodded, eyes on you with a smile on his face. "tested it last night."

"without me?" you asked, incredulous.

he laughed. "i didn't want to ruin the surprise by burning the loft down directly after."

your finger fidgeted on the handle, looking over to joshua. he gestured for you to go ahead, and you pushed and spun the knob, lighting a burner and squealing. you shut it off again before launching yourself into a hug.

"joshua!" you wailed, arms wrapped around his neck as he laughed, putting his around your waist. "i love it so much ican'tbelieveyouboughtusafucking lacanche range in portuguese blue for no goddamn reason!"

"there was a reason!" he laughed, letting you pull away slightly to study his face. "it's a housewarming gift. i want you to know this place is yours, too, now."

you did your best to suck the tears back into the ducts they belonged in, trying to not show just how much the gesture meant to you in that way, but you were sure one escaped down your cheek when your hands went to the base of his skull, pulling him into a kiss. you forgot the context of the move. you forgot about your friends that had been excitedly crowded in your new kitchen, anticipating your over the top reaction to what they saw as just a new stove. you, however, were overwhelmed by the specifics - the fact that he had picked the color you chose most often when building your hypothetical dream stove on the website you frequented more often than you would ever admit. the fact that it matched the details on the tile of his kitchen backsplash, a detail you hadn't even noticed when you were looking at them online. the chrome vintage knobs, the layout of the burners - everything was exact to what he had seen you dream about, and you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the love and care that expressed, hoping you could tell him just how much it meant by working your lips against his.

"ok, gross," krys announced, looking away when the two of you didn't pull apart. "i'm saying goodbye to my wallpaper and we're leaving. would anyone else like to pay their respects?"

seokmin raised his hand, his eyes on the ceiling, and krys grabbed his arm and retreated towards the hall, karol telling them to hurry as soonyoung put up a hand to obstruct his view of you and joshua. when you finally pulled away, it wasn't for their reprieve, though they reacted as though it was. it was so you could look into joshua's eyes, creased with the grin on his face as you gave him a similar one, and you couldn't wait to cook with him, on your, plural, portuguese blue lacanche range, with chrome classique handles, four gas burners, a griddle, and a warming drawer. and it would be your best brunch yet.

[katnissmellarkkk]

Andddd here’s my chappy three thoughts 🥳🥳🥳

Hmmm Katniss saying that her mother has a dress made of velvet is actually really interesting because it shows that Mrs. Everdeen Lily-Rose really was well-er off before she married Katniss’ father Hunter.

Or did she get the velvet dress from Maysilee? Oh well, who knows.

Aww, Katniss’ nervous habit of touching soft things repeatedly to soothe herself 🤧🤧.

“Crying is not an option. There will be more cameras at the train station.” — someone tell that to Peeta 🤣🤣🤣.

Okay I gotta stop picking on Primmers, I know but like. How small is she that she sits on Katniss’ lap like a toddler but then in the following year is the same height as her? Doesn’t matter I know but still I wonder.

Okay so Mrs. E is the doctor for the people of the Seam? Idk I never thought about this but who does people like Peeta or Madge or Delly go to if they’re sick or hurt? Is there a still running apothecary shop that Katniss never mentions? Are her grandparents still running the family biz?

Also okay, I gotta stop having so many thoughts on all the lil details I know but like. Katniss says here she’s familiar with the herbs her mother doesn’t grow on her own so like a). Katniss is more of a healer than she leads on because no average person knows what kind of plant is medicinal and b). Her mother is just growing herbs and Katniss never mentions it again in the whole series? Or I just missed it.

Okay imma move on from this one singular paragraph but Gale and her made a pact a year ago that they’ll supply each other’s family with game if they were to be reaped... I’m feeling like their close friendship is probably only one year old then? Idk. Just my interpretation.

Honestly I love Katniss getting mad at her mom here.

She’s sixteen, for God’s sake, of course she’s angry at what her mother’s illness put her through.

Also I lowkey like that her mother got mad back because that lady in the movies had zero personality.

“Boys who are two to three times my size.” She sounds so little, omg 🥺🥺🥺.

“I don’t care if we’re rich, I just really want you to come home” 🤧🤧🤧😩😩😩😩 okay Primmers, you got me here.

“the Peacekeeper is at the door, signaling our time is up, and we're all hugging one another so hard it hurts and all I'm saying is ‘I love you. I love you both.’ And they're saying it back...” this is so sad leave me be 😫😫😫😫

Katniss is burying her face in a pillow to block out her emotions this is too much for me 🥵🥵🥵

Omg I forgot Peeta’s father visits Katniss 😅

Why does he visit Katniss?

She describes Peeta’s father as a “big, broad-shouldered man.” And then describes Peeta as stocky. Idk the comparison of the two descriptions has always led me to think Peeta is gonna be a big dude when he grows up like his father. This made no sense and had zero correlation but I thought, so I said it, no regrets

Oh he brought her cookies 🤧

WAIT WAIT WAIT. I just had a new thought, y’all. What if instead of the baker bringing cookies being a thing he does for all tributes, what if he’s bringing the cookies because Peeta asked him to, because he made them and wants to give them to Katniss and knows she’ll never accept / trust them coming from her competition? What if that’s the real reason the baker visited her in the first place? Because Peeta asked him to? This was such a shipper comment but idc, no regrets, remember?

Omg Peeta’s father is just mute 🤣🤣🤣

Between an abusive, angry mother and a mute for a father, the Mellark brothers must have had a fairytale of a childhood 😅😅😅😅.

But seriously #PoorPeetaMyBaby

Aww Peeta’s father is gonna help keep Prim alive 😭

Omg I just remembered he’s her mother’s ex boyfriend. Haidon Mellark, as I named him in my fics.

That one fic where he was thought to be Prim’s real father is just playing now in my head, rent free.

But does Katniss not realize that he may be offering to help Prim as a favor to her? Like she claims Prim is just so wonderful people adore her but there’s like zero evidence in the text that make her endearing? Okay I need to turn this bus around, I need to find a love for Primmy Deen.

Madge is not one for preamble apparently. No “hi, how are you? I’m sorry you’re gonna die? What will your last meal be?” Just right to “here, wear this family heirloom of mine, k thanks.”

I like that Madge had to kiss her cheek for Katniss to realize they were friends 😅😅😅.

I remember always loving her and Gale’s hug here. I’ve always felt like it was platonic, but especially when I first read the books and had zero preference one way or another for Gale or Peeta, I really liked how she said even with nothing romantic between them, “when he opens his arms, I don’t hesitate to go to him” or something I’m paraphrasing ok I’m lazy

Also though, this is the first time they’ve ever hugged? Idk why that surprises me? It shouldn’t because where is a hug gonna fit into a hunting trip 😅🤣😂 “I just caught a deer!” “let’s celebrate with a hug!”

I like that Katniss remembers how her father even failed to make a good bow sometimes. Random, I know.

I like that the Capitol weren’t entertained by the people freezing to deaths because it wasn’t bloody enough 🤭🙃

“How different can it be [to kill a human vs an animal]?” She’s about to find out, Gale 🥺. And when she comes back you won’t understand 🙄😔

What did Gale want to say before the Peacekeepers dragged him away?

I used to think it was a confession of love but I’m actually sure it wasn’t now? Just the wording “remember I-“ doesn’t sound like it, considering he never confessed anything prior to her coming home.

I’m assuming now he was just gonna give her some more advice to stay alive 🤷🏼‍♀️. Clearly if it were relevant it would have made its way to the others books.

Aww, she’s never been inside a car before 😭😭. I didn’t even know they had cars in this universe but okay.

I notice though how she says “In the Seam, we travel on foot.” So is Peeta just riding his trolly down the street every day with the other merchants then? 🤣

Peeta just openly crying on camera 😅😢.

I like how Katniss is like “ooo is this an act to get sponsors?” when in reality Peeta’s like “no, I’m just a soft and genuine boy ™️”

Omg I just realized this totally goes along with Peeta’s thing later on “I want to die as myself”

He’s refusing to hold back his emotions because he thinks he’s doomed to die and he’s already refusing to pretend to be or feel something ingenious.

But a Johanna mention in book 1 chapter 3 woohoo 🥳🥳🥳 also Katniss comparing Jo and Peeta is kind of like foreshadowing of their shared torture in book 3.

Omg she just called Peeta broad-shouldered and strong. 🥰🥰🥰 my headcanon for his post-canon body is confirmed

Also why does Katniss keep allotting his strength to carrying bread trays around? Are they heavy? Why have I never once heard of people who carry bread trays being strong? I always thought Peeta was really strong because he learned to fight in order to defend himself against his mother but that’s probably wrong.

But if a mother is abusive, it can lead to one of the kids being physically violent as well and we know Peeta isn’t but he has two older brothers I’m gonna cut myself off now but I think we all smelled what I just stepped in.

Also I just find it so fascinating now how she regards herself vs Peeta here.

When talking about herself, she says, “The competition will be far beyond my abilities. [...] Oh, there'll be people like me, too. People to weed out before the real fun begins.” But when she talks about Peeta, she immediately says, “It would take an awful lot of weeping to convince anyone to overlook him.”

It’s just funny how she discounted herself right from the start but thought he was a real contender and then come to find out, Peeta believes it’s the exact opposite 😂🙃. They’re both so stupid I can’t even take it.

Wait did they actually give the location of the Capitol and the location of District Twelve in today’s world? And I just overlooked it? Brb I’m gonna go to google maps right quick.

Okay so basically what I gathered is the Capitol is probably in New Mexico and District Twelve is somewhere between Kentucky and Alabama. Irrelevant I know. But just a reminder now to everyone that Katniss and Peeta are literally speaking, crying and screaming in thick, backwoods southern accents.

It’s literally so sad how everything for Katniss is about food. Like every motive she has, every action she does is about preventing starvation ever again. 🤧🤧🤧

First mockingjay mention 🤭🤭.

“My father was particularly fond of mockingjays” 😭😭😭 I bet he was 😭😭😭😭

We always go on and on about how Katniss is a mockingjay or her children are mockingjays but Katniss herself here says mockingjays represent her father imma cry, y’all 😫😫😫😫

“It’s like having a piece of my father with me, protecting me” shut up shut up shut up shut up

Awww, Katniss has never had food like this before 😔😔😔

Neither has Peeta 🤧🤧

Katniss disliking the way Effie put the two kids from the year before down and so began to eat like a pig just to prove her point, is so her. And the beginning of her fighting for the underdog.

Omg the Rue introduction 🥺🥺🥺

Bahahahaha the commenters calling District Twelve backwards but charming 😅😅😅 they really are the hillbilly district

Peeta’s unexpected laugh 🥺🥺🥺 I love you, baby

“He was drunk. He’s drunk every year.” “Every day.” Katniss and Peeta are already finishing each other’s sentiments and teaming up to get on Effie’s nerves I love them so much 😍

Oh my God, Effie, you selfish jerk. They’re kids having fun for like one second, no need to throw in their faces they’re gonna die if the drunk won’t help them. I’d forgotten why I don’t really like the book version of her. I actually prefer her as comedic relief in the movies.

I actually just realized I really dislike Effie Trinket, I hope they never speak to her again Post-Mockingjay. Idc how you’re raised you don’t need to treat teenagers who are sentenced to a probable death badly just because they laughed at you 🙄🙄🙄😡😡😡😡. They didn’t even really laugh at her, she’s just annoying and awful, we don’t stan Effie in this household.

Okay, that’s all for my thoughts on chapter three! Until next time, y’all ! If anyone actually read this long mess of a post.