#you know what makes people hesitant to fork money over to tumblr?

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

imagine getting twenty four hours of a fraction of a taste of what marginalized bloggers on this fucking site have been told "doesn't break TOS" for the past 15 years and deciding to openly threaten to just nuke the entire website lmfao

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Hi! I love everything that you write and heh I am a fan! 😄 tbh this is my first time requesting something on Tumblr! If you don't mind and if I am not being a bother...can you write about how the guys would react If MC suddenly starts making meme references? I don't know how I got the idea but I am REALLY curious. And love you! :D

Hiya! Tyvm for the kind words, and apologies that this took a while! I hope you have the chance to enjoy it regardless ❤️❤️❤️ Love you too, sweet pea! I promise to get to the next request you’ve sent ASAP~

Aight but this would be hilarious because the range of the reactions is just ungodly. I will be putting this under a cut after Napoleon so I don’t clog up everyone’s dash, but all the suitors are included below otherwise! 

Comte is the one that recognizes a few, but didn’t really stay in modern times long enough to be as well-versed as a Gen Z kid might. Regardless he finds the wittiness and absolute chaotic fuckery to be delightful, and will 100% support the harmless nonsense. It never fails to get a laugh out of him

Mozart that first day be like: “Buzz off MC I hate you” MC, because she likes swinging bats at wasps’ nests: “Well that’s not very cash money of you” Mozart: ?????????? Comte, giggling in the bg like the secret fae he is This one’s just because I’m petty, but after the events of Comte rt I just imagine them encountering Vlad again and MC’s just “I lived bitch.” while Comte is flipping him off behind her lkjahgkjhdsg

Comte @ Leo when he finds the latter under his desk: Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you.  MC: wheezing from the hallway as she’s about to give him his letters

MC: So how was your day, honey? Comte: Good, good--briefly had to go beastmode upon the punk that pilfered my lint roller MC, biting her lip to keep from laughing: So does Leo still have his kneecaps? Comte: for now.

Comte, @ literally anyone upsetting the MC: I won’t hesitate, bitch

Comte: Be careful with my emotional baggage, it’s designer

MC: What if I was evil and ran towards you at very fast speeds Comte: My arms are strong, I would catch and hug you

Leo and Dazai are the ones that don’t have a single reference point but are filled with so much dumbass chaos energy that they just. Understand immediately???? Nobody knows how or why, but they just catch on so fast--adapt the language in a matter of weeks. Never underestimate the power of combined boredom, depression, and humor

I swear to god I just see MC taking them their Blanc/Rouge and being like “here you go sir, one enslaved moisture” and they just go fucking hog wild from day one. MC starts impersonating Theo when he leaves the room around Dazai, like fake deep voice “you all only hate me because you do not like me and I am mean to you. grow up.” Or like the MC meets a baby on her travels with Leo around town and she holds them and says v seriously and sagely “So you are Baby? I have heard tales of your exploits.” and Leo about loses his shit right there. They both think MC is the funniest person alive--they’ve never been more eager to throw a ring at someone in their entire life.

Also a bonus for my beloved Dazai:  MC, facing even the slightest inconvenience (like dropping her fork) in the most dramtic voice possible: Life is not daijoubu. Dazai: wheezing

MC, after watching Theo turn down a woman at the bar in the meanest way possible: bro quit letting the darkness consume you u r scaring the hoes Dazai, literally rolling around on the ground, half-drunk and dying:

MC, walking alongside Dazai and stopping to stare at her reflection in the River Seine. Dazai’s expecting some sad or twisted shit, since people often feel comfortable talking about those things around him, but instead she just: “Oh, it’s you. The source of all my problems.” And he about falls into the river from shock HAHAHA

At this point don’t be surprised if his next book is about an absolute madlad woman similar to MC

Napoleon finds it to be a delightful quirk more than anything? He doesn’t really understand it, but he finds it funny when they change their voice for effect or speak in exaggerated tones. If it’s just comprehensible enough for an outsider to understand--or Sebas gives him context--chances are it’ll send him into a laughing fit

For this one I just imagine MC singing that Ratatouille meme song obnoxiously bad while cooking, and Napoleon and Comte are just so wildly amused by it bc it makes zero sense and it’s only vaguely French at this point

MC @ Napoleon while they’re cooking brunch: Can I offer you a nice egg in these trying times?

MC, conflicted because she’s tired and wanted to sleep in but also got to see Napo’s cute sleeping face for a few hours: For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5AM on the day I can sleep in. Sebas: Early to bed and early to rise makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise MC: early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch Napoleon: laughing in agreement

Isaac is the type to be bewildered and concerned at first (especially when he hears the more nihilistic ones hoOOOoooOO BOY) but eventually begins to understand it’s some bizarre attempt at humor (that hurts Zack baby). While some part of him laments that it reminds him of Dazai and he’s secretly jealous of how she and Dazai bond over it, he will sometimes join in the chaos when the mood strikes him and he’s feeling mischievous

Isaac: How are you feeling? MC: Oh, I’m not Isaac: seconds from dialing 911 Isaac: Are you okay? MC: Oh yeah dw I just suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes you look like you’re an angry serial killer Isaac: say sike rn

Isaac, tutoring MC and correcting something:  MC, muttering while redoing it: The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math. Isaac: unable to help a laugh

One time MC was avoiding Isaac for fear of hurting his feelings and he just confronts her like: Isaac: back by unpopular demand, me! What’s wrong, MC pls MC was so hecking proud of him

Isaac, telling MC about a recent discovery he learned at uni from another professor: bones typically heal stronger after they’ve been broken--so long as they’re set properly, of course MC, looking him dead in the eyes: So what you’re saying is that I should break every bone in my body until I become superhumanly powerful? Isaac: please do not, no

Mozart and Jeanne are just. Totally lost. Why are you talking like that??? Why are you making “crab hands”???? They don’t understand. Maybe never will. They reach a point where they just kind of laugh and shake their heads, endeared by the oddity after they’re used to it and have determined it isn’t a threat/insult. 

MC: It’s a cold and it’s a brooooken, Waluigi. Waaaaluigiiiii...waaaahluigi..... Mozart: surprised, then starts snickering and playing along on the piano

Arthur, asking MC very personal questions out loud because he is an idiot sometimes: Soooo MC, are you a top or a bottom? MC: I’m a threat. (If he asks a second time, the response will be “Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy.”) Jeanne, fighting a smile:

MC, about to punch an asshole: Your free trial of being alive has ended Jeanne, seconds from laughing for the first time in 100 years:

Also, because I genuinely can’t help myself. You know that knight meme like “Parry this you fucking casual.” I cannot stress enough that it is literally the personification of Jeanne’s entire character. I’m not even joking.

Arthur and Shakespeare are utterly fascinated by the rapid evolution of wordplay and the sheer hilarity. They will ask all about these so-called “memes” and ask for examples of them if MC can show them (either somehow accessing her phone or drawing them). MC draws Arthur the knife cat meme and he about a s c e n d s at the hilarity of it all, points and yells THEO IS HOLDING THE KNIFE. He is correct. They will be delighted and follow along eagerly, and--god forbid--will make their own based on late 19th century struggles.

Is this where Shakespeare got the idea for “What, you egg? stabs him” and “You are a saucy boy.”? I’m too scared to ask. Don’t even get me started on “The Fool jingled miserably across the floor.” That one is just too on the nose...

I can’t even imagine what would happen to Shakespeare if MC like translated vines and memes into Ye Olde English around him. Imagine she’s at one of those noble balls and hears rumors of these two guys living together and they’re so obviously gay and he says “And those gents w’re roommates.” And in the most false surprised tone ever MC just replies “oh mine own god, those gents w’re roommates.” Imagine having a wife that’s just as hilarious as you are and hits you with all the force of a bag of wet mice every time you speak in retaliation, he’s going into palpitations.

Every time Arthur does smth stupid MC just: “I Pretend I Do Not See It.”

Vincent is tickled pink by MC’s penchant for finding joy and/or amusement in nearly everything they do, and he smiles gently when he sees them muttering and laughing to themselves. He wants to be able to join them in what they love, but he has a harder time following along and understanding the darker humor sometimes. Mostly gets confused??? Please give him the easier ones to mimic and laugh when he tries--or just include him in your jokes MC. He’s babie your honor...

But he also. Will not. Stand any kind of self-deprecation or borderline verbal self-harm. He’s usually very easygoing and calm, but for whatever reason that stuff makes him go deathly quiet and upset.

MC, after something goes horribly wrong, hugging Vincent: Oh Vince, we really in it now Vincent: giggling a little despite his worries, relaxing

MC: Theo stop simping for Vincent that’s my job

MC, when Theo leaves the room and she gets Vincent all to herself: The evil is defeated.

MC: And this is where I would put my will to live...if I h a d one! Vincent: ;-; MC: oh shit, oh fuck, I was only kidding Vincent wait (MC was subsequently lectured and loved on for many hours)

Theo is conflicted because on the one hand, he loves to see you smiling and having fun. On the other, you’re clowning as hard as Dazai and Arthur and he can only handle so many monkeys in his circus. Most of the time he will roll his eyes and be the straight man of this comedy, but you might find him cracking a smile--or accidentally letting a chuckle slip past his lips now and again.

MC, after meeting Theo: I’m a nice person, but I’m about to start throwing rocks at people.

Theo, those first days: Oh? You’re approaching me? Instead of running away, you’re coming right to me? MC: I can’t beat the shit out of you without getting closer.

Theo: Every time I ask MC to explain “vibe check” to me she hits me with some kind of improvised weapon

MC, after the “incident” (you know the one): This year, I lost my dear lover Theo Theo, in the distance: QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD! MC: ;-; sometimes I can still hear his voice...

Sebastian is last because oh boy. OH BOYYYYY I LOVE HIM. Okay so the way I see this happening with Sebastian is just. So wild. Because at first he’s t r y i n g so hard to be the proper butler man. He does not meme. But then he starts to drift closer to what Niles from The Nanny was, where he’ll quip and joke in private or when the situation is just beyond the amount of absurdity he can handle without making a snarky comment. Everyone in the house can’t fathom how Sebas and MC got so close so fast, but there are points where they’re just “Are they even speaking English anymore???” It’s 11 times funnier than normal because Sebas almost never smiles or laughs when memeing, the deadpan quality of his playing along sends MC every time

Has ABSOLUTELY said “HEY. PANINI HEAD. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME???” jokingly when MC made a mistake in the kitchen. They laugh about it for y e a r s

MC: I can’t date someone who keeps a lamb as a pet, that’s so weird Sebas, brushing Lotte in front of MC: MC: MC: Okay, I will make an exception because she looks very polite

MC and Sebas, fully aware of the fame some of the men will reach in modern times: We will watch your career with great interest.  (I s2g that’s like half of Sebas’ rt right there I’m crying)

Sebas rt with Lotte be like that 500 dollar Mareep meme: “sometimes a family can be just a boy, his gf, and their 500 dollar two foot tall Lotte”

[billyhargrove-imagines]

Kindred Outsiders: Pt. 1

Pairings: Billy Hargrove x OC

Warnings: Cursing

Word Count: 2374

A/N: Hello! This story was originally posted on my fanfiction.com account but I decided to bring it to tumblr as well :) Anyhow, this story is going to take place in the beginning of summer & will later lead up to the events starting in the beginning of season 3. Gif used isn’t mine. Enjoy!

-

Indiana is…different.

I moved out here merely two weeks ago from Los Angeles, California. My father died from a plane crash over a month ago. He was on his way home from a business trip. My mother, on the other hand, isn't in the picture because she passed away from cancer 5 years ago. I was 15 years old at the time.

I couldn't stand being alone in my father's mansion any longer. It just wasn't the same without him. It caused me nothing but pain having to enter a home where I am not greeted a simple 'hello' from my father. Dinners were always lonely so I ended up resorting to going out with friends almost every night for dinner, followed by drinking at home from my father's in-home bar.

When it came around to bedtime, I felt a pit in my stomach whenever I passed my father's office and didn't see the light shining under the crack of the door. He always worked in his office late.

One day I made a bold move by giving my aunt Joyce a call and moved in with her in Indiana a month after the incident. Aunt Joyce is my father's sister.

Her small house is nothing compared to mine and lacked the useless amenities I was used to. But I didn't care. Living here so far with her, Will and Jonathan was much better than living back in California all alone. Sure, I had friends but it doesn't compare to family.

Since I am an only child of my parents, I inherited all of their money. I also made a selfless decision and paid off my aunt's mortgage. When I told her the news, I was thanked with a slap across the face followed by a tight hug. She never wanted any handouts from my parents in the past and still doesn't til this day.

It is 1pm and I just clocked out for my short shift at this clothing store in the starcourt mall. Yes, I have a great amount of money in my bank account, but I still wanted to keep myself occupied by working a part time job. I didn't want to just sit on my ass all day. Especially since I still don't know what I want to do for my career. I am 20 years old and time is ticking, but I don't want to waste my time and money on schooling when I don't know what the hell I want to do yet.

After every shift I've been stopping by the ice cream shop, Scoops Ahoy and I always see the same duo, Steve and Robin. I've become quite acquainted with them and I learned so far that they're fresh out of high school.

"Let me guess, rocky road?" Steve said with a grin.

"You know me too well, Steve." I replied with a smile, stretching my arm out to hand him cash.

"God Steve. Just ask her out already." Robin added, rolling her eyes playfully and crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned against the back counter.

"Can you not?" Steve snapped his head at Robin, cheeks flushed red.

"Very funny, Robin." I let out a chuckle and waved goodbye to the duo as I licked my delicious ice cream on my way out.

As usual, I took my time walking through the mall. I wanted to make sure I finished my ice cream before I arrived to my car and headed home. A variety of families, couples and friends seemed to be enjoying their shopping trips. Though word on the news is that many local business owners are enraged about the mall being built due to losing business.

A familiar female voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "Hi Victoria!" Aria, my eccentric coworker greeted me, her shoulder-length blonde hair bouncing as she kept up to my steps.

"Hey Aria, I thought you're off today?" I asked, still enjoying my ice cream.

"Yeah I was just shopping around for a gift for my mom's birthday next week." She briefly lifted the shopping bag in her hand. "Did you just get off or are you on lunch?"

"Um, I just got off."

"Yay! I'm going to the pool after this. Join me so I'm not alone!" She suggested. "There's also this hot hot hot lifeguard they hired last week. I went to school with him!"

"Okay sure. But I'm not really into that."

"Come on, Victoria." Aria groaned. "I know you don't have any plans today."

"No I meant the hot lifeguard or whatever. Not into that." I gave a dismissive wave of my hand before taking a generous lick of my ice cream.

"Oh. You're into girls? So sorry. I didn't know."

I snorted in amusement, but internally I was rolling my eyes at her. She's always been quick to make assumptions.

"No no no. I like boys." I made known. "I just don't care to drool over a piece of meat. But I'm down to take a dip in the pool."

"Oh! Okay. Sorry. Sorry again."

"It's fine Aria," I dragged. "I'm gonna go home and change out of this and I'll meet you there."

"Yay! Okay bye!" Aria shouted with glee before going our separate ways. She sure can be annoyingly hyper sometimes, but she's the only real girlfriend I've made here so far. Robin is always working and when she is off, she's always busy doing god knows what.

Like clockwork, my ice cream was finished off before I made it outside to my car. Or should I say my late father's black 1984 Porsche 911. It's quite showy for someone who now lives in Indiana, but this car was my father's baby. I'm never letting go of this.

The Rubberband Man by The Spinners blasted on my stereo as I drove to Aunt Joyce's house. Music from the 70s has always stuck with me. On my face are my favorite pair of black aviator sunglasses.

After a moment of driving down the familiar roads, I pull into the front of my aunt's house. I take the keys out of the ignition, remove my aviators, hop out of my car and enter the non vacant home. "Hey Jonathan." I greeted my cousin who is watching television on the couch with a full plate and fork in his hands.

"Hey there, Vic. You're home early." He said with a full mouth. I hummed in response before scurrying to my bedroom.

I searched through my dresser drawers until I found the perfect bikini for my mood, which is a two piece. I paired my black cheeky bottoms with a neon green strapless top. After quickly peeling off my work attire and slipping into my bikini, I made sure to at least cover up my ass cheeks with denim shorts before throwing on a pair of sandals.

Now I am out the door, tossing my bag of pool essentials in the passenger seat and making sure not to forget my aviators. The sun is at its peak and I am ready to cool off.

Minutes later I pull into the parking lot of the community pool for the first time since moving down here. I've driven past it plenty of times but never had the need to go yet until Aria randomly invited me.

Exiting my car with my bag under my arm and my aviators on, I hear various sounds at a short distance of people enjoying themselves in the water.

The sun is beaming down at me as I'm making my way through the gate, glancing around until I find Aria. "Victoria! Hey!" She shouted with glee, waving her hand. I found her lying on the pool lounger.

"Hey Aria." I greeted, placing my bag on the ground.

"Go on in the pool if you want. I'm waiting for him to show up for his shift. It should be any moment now!"

"Really?" Sitting down at the foot of the empty pool lounger, I shook my head at Aria in disapproval.

She scoffed. "Oh don't give me that look, Victoria." I shook my head at her, dropping my shorts and tossing it in my bag.

Aria let out a gasp out of the blue, sitting up straight. "Speaking of Billy. There he is!"

"Where?" I asked, casually pulling a flask out of my bag. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't plan to get plastered, but a little buzz is well deserved.

Aria doesn't respond. Instead, I scan my surroundings until I spotted the only male lifeguard walking the grounds to my left. He is tastefully shirtless, wearing red swim shorts, a whistle necklace and brown aviator shades. His dirty blonde hair is styled into a mullet, which surprisingly fits his face perfectly.

Billy's head snapped my direction as I'm taking a swig out of my whiskey filled flask. I couldn't tell if he was directly looking at me due to the shades masking his eyes, but all of the women's eyes were on him. And by the swagger of his steps, I can tell he's reveling in it.

"Eh." I shrugged my shoulders, once Billy passed me and sat comfortably in the lifeguard chair. "He's alright." I lied.

From his perfectly tanned skin to his flawlessly sculpted muscles, it's as if his body was made by angels. Even from a distance, I could see that his plump lips could lose any woman in his kiss. But no, I had to feign being unimpressed because a man that looks like that is bad news for me.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" She briskly pulled her sunglasses off, shooting me a look of disgust.

"Are your sunglasses blinding you?"

I snorted. "Nope. I can see perfectly clear."

"Ugh! If you think that Billy Hargrove is just alright, then I don't even want to know what kind of men you consider perfect." Aria mentioned seriously to me as she laid back and placed her sunglasses back on.

"Don't care. I'm going for a dip." I threw my flask back inside my bag before rising to my feet towards the pool to swim a few laps.

Stroking through the water, there is no one alive who can stop me. It's a moment like this that makes me miss the beaches in California. But I close my eyes and lose myself, pretending that's exactly where I am.

Unaware how long I've been swimming to and fro, I do one more lap before I take a break and reward myself with another sip of whiskey.

As I am motioning out of the water and my feet are planted onto the cement, a deep, male voice captures my attention. "Here."

I look and it is the stud himself, Billy Hargrove handing me a towel. "Oh thanks." I accepted with a soft smile, almost hesitant because I have a towel in my bag but I didn't want to seem rude.

I begin pat drying my long, black hair with the towel and begin sauntering towards my designated pool lounger, but Billy halts me, "Hey sweetheart." I spun around to face him with furrowed brows. "What's your name?" He asked, removing his glasses to reveal his annoyingly beautiful, blue eyes.

"Victoria. And you?" I asked even though I already know.

"The name's Billy." He said, randomly placing a piece of gum in his mouth which caused me to catch a glance at his lips, then to his abs and back to his eyes. I swear I saw the corner of his lip quirk up when he caught me. "Nice to meet ya Victoria."

"You too Billy." The sun was so hot that I didn't even need to dry off my body anymore. Instead, I threw the towel over my shoulder.

"Am I mistaken or is this your first time here?" He asked, smacking his gum as he's indiscreetly giving me an elevator look.

"No you're right." Before Billy had the chance to speak any further, I pointed behind him towards the pool. "Hey, I think there's a kid drowning over there."

Just as I predicted, he cautiously looked over his shoulder and that's when I made a beeline towards my pool lounger next to Aria.

"You. Dumb. Bitch." Aria remarked with obvious displeasure as I'm searching for my flask. "I can't be friends with you anymore."

"What now, Aria?"

"Billy the hottie was obviously into you and you blew it! Ugh, the things I'd do to be in your shoes right now."

"Oh please. He's just another pretty boy that wants one thing." I implied before taking a sip. "Go over there and talk to him yourself then." Flickering my eyes, I am now seeing that Billy's back on his lifeguard chair.

"Um no. If Billy wants somebody, Billy always makes the first move. Do I look like I want to embarrass myself right now?"

"If you say so." I said, readjusting the pool lounger so that it was flat and I lied on my stomach, using my arms as a makeshift pillow. "Can you rub sunscreen on me and wake me up in 30. I'm taking a nap."

Being the good friend that she is, Aria stole the sunscreen from my bag and did as I asked. She knows I'd do the same for her.

"I know you can't see right now," she started after a minute of no words exchanged, "but he's looking over here. Probably at your ass." She paused. "I wouldn't blame him though."

She's right. I do have a nice ass.

"Billy can stare all he wants. What do I care?" I uttered lazily, eyes closed and ready to sleep.

"You're insane! If I can't have him, then can you have him for me? And tell me if it is big!" She whisper shouted, rubbing the last bit of sunscreen needed on me.

"Im not having sex with anyone, Aria. Especially not him. I'm taking my nap now."

Billy is just another handsome face with a Calvin Klein body which doesn't impress me because it seems like he's used to getting any woman he wants. But I'm not any other woman, so he can use that charm on the next one for all I care.

[purplesurveys]

1180

The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? Yeah, I’m pretty paranoid and always feel the need to use conditioner because of a bad rebonding job from like a decade ago that stiffened up my hair as soon as it would get wet. It lasted for around a year, so I formed the habit of always using conditioner every time I shower. I don’t think I’ve ever used just shampoo since then.

Do you prefer light or dark jeans?  Dark, but I suppose it would be nice to start experimenting with lighter shades as well.

When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen?  It depends if I know the lyrics or I’m feeling the song at the moment. Obviously with my new obsession with BTS I can’t really sing along to entire songs, but I do sing the few English lyrics they have per song, hahaha.

Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook?  Yeah but she’s been muted for like half a year already, as is the rest of her family. I do have plans to unfriend her entirely; I’m just not sure when I would push through with it, and I already gave Angela permission to log onto my account one of these days to be the one to do the unfriending.

Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person?  Gabie. I miss the friendship sometimes; I don’t think I’ll have a friendship as deep and connected as the one we had, so I will always feel sorry about how that went to waste. But I don’t really think about our relationship anymore as I’m pretty good at blocking off certain memories, so I don’t miss her in that sense.

How many cars are parked at your house right now?  Two.

Do you have any Italian ancestry?  I highly doubt so. If anything there’s probably a tiny drop Spanish blood in there but that’s the most European I’ll ever get.

Do you prefer water to be ice cold or at room temperature?  Like, drinking water? Ice cold, always. I hate warm water.

Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak?  Not to my face, but I know I’m one so I’m sure other people have said that about me at least behind my back.

Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found?  Yes, my friend Mik and one of my aunts. They were both found eventually.

What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten?  Eating ghost pepper instant noodles was a pain I would never want to go through again...I threw that shit out after my first forkful, lmao.

Do you need to talk to someone?  No, not in particular. In a more general sense I do wanna start gaining more friends though, so I’ve been meaning to expand my circle by creating a new Twitter account just for my BTS dump. In other words, I am a 23 year old with a stan Twitter HAHAHAHA

Is something confusing you at the moment?  No, I’m good.

When was the last time you had a real deep chat?  Maybe my conversation with Andi a couple of nights back. We were talking about a tricky situation with their ex-friend who turned out to be a real dick when they came out to him a year ago, and they just wanted to get my perspective on how I would handle it.

Who did you last see on webcam?  The PR manager for one of our clients, who we all despise because he doesn’t know how to do his job. Thankfully he’s resigning soon so we’re all just waiting for him to leave and finally meet a much more competent replacement.

What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)?  Angela has two dogs, Hailey and Kennedy. Andi had Apollo, who I wanted to meet so badly but sadly he passed away a week ago at 15.

Have you ever taken a picture while laying in the grass?  There are photos of me sitting on grass, but not lying in it. I would imagine that would feel very prickly and uncomfortable.

Who’s your favorite Disney character? Baymax or Flynn Rider.

Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk?  I’ve made my friends chug drinks or down shots and it’s happened vice versa, but it was always in good fun and we never made each other harassed from it. It’s just your typical college rambunctiousness, and if anyone felt uncomfortable or iffy then we didn’t hesitate to move on.

When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling?  I’ve only ever seen those in my first school, when I was in kindergarten. I never got to use it and they also took them out not long after.

Do you like being kissed on the neck?  Yessssssssss

Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t dating (but had feelings for) in the hopes that they would ask you out later?  Nope. I don’t think I would have sex with anyone I wasn’t dating.

What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a good bra?  Probably a couple thousand bucks if I thought I looked good in it.

Do you have any of your teachers’ personal cell phone numbers saved in your contacts list?  I don’t think so. I never tried getting close with any of them, and I always tried to stay hidden as much as possible. I was just in class to get good grades and pass.

Do you ever stalk peoples’ personal blogs, even if you don’t know them very well?  I never really scroll through people’s Tumblrs anymore. That was more of a thing I did in like 2013, but these days going through my dashboard is enough.

What’s one thing about today’s generation that you just can’t stand?  Some social media trends done for clout make me revolted, especially when it has anything to do with wasting food. I also hate when they do extreme pranks that I know I wouldn’t find funny if I were ever the victim, like tossing someone’s phone into the ocean.

Be honest: how do you feel about abortion?  Pro-choice. 

Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to?  I would love to catch up with Katreen at some point, but I know we’re at different points in our lives now and it would probably never happen.

What is your favorite piece of art you own?  I commissioned my sister to make an artwork of the 2D1N cast, and she did a great job making it! I haven’t gotten to use it or promote it yet, but I will soon. It’s really well-done.

What’s the one thing you apologized for this month?  Replying late.

My favorite color is ______?  Pastel pink.

I wish I had _____?  Longer weekends.

What did you buy today? Nothing – I’d call that a success lmao, I’ve been spending money as if I had a million fucking bucks over the last week. I did have some packages arrive today though: my own copy of 2 Cool 4 Skool (my first physical BTS album!!!!!!); the official poster from their album BE; the Ivy Park sneakers I ordered earlier this month, and an Ivy Park bucket hat Bea had apparently gotten for me as a birthday present.

What has challenged your morals?  Vices.

What made you pick up the last book you started reading?  I had to read it in preparation for a one-on-one session with my employer’s CEO.

What about your life concerns you the most? Whether a stable future is in the cards for me.

What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend?  Probably Filipino-American comedians or influencers who use stereotyping of Filipino accents and habits as a punchline; they do more harm to the culture than good. I can tell you not one Filipino who lives in the Philippines actually finds those funny, and Bretman Rock is probably the only personality who’s able to flaunt the culture in an entertaining and hilarious yet classy way.

When it comes to being offended, I guess it depends on the context. My humor can get pretty dark and low-blowy, but I would have a problem with someone who I know has genuinely problematic views.

What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another?  I think it may had still been Start-Up from last December. I’m not too big on Korean dramas since I find one episode waaaaaaayyyyyyy too long. I don’t think I’ll be starting on anything soon, Korean or otherwise.

What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same?  I’m single now, for the first time in technically six years. I also think I’m doing better and happier, breakup notwithstanding. OH and I love wasabi now, hahah. As for what’s unchanged, I still like taking surveys and I’m still stuck at home, though the latter’s not really in my control anymore.

If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take?  I’d just go back to UP for the free tuition. We also have the widest range of programs out of any university in the country, so it’s a damn good deal.

Name a song you’ve listened to today?  Fly To My Room - BTS

When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard?  We didn’t; but one of our relatives that we’d regularly visit did have a playground that I’d use all the time. It’s still there, just very unmaintained since no one uses it anymore.

Is your mall nice?  Which one? We have five different malls nearby lol. Mall culture here is on another level.

Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there?  No. I’m not so sure what they serve there, either. I’m guessing milkshakes?

Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around?  I’ll always exercise my right to vote.

How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries?  I hate strawberries and I hate fruits, so even if you coat that shit in Nutella and cookie butter and chocolate syrup I still wouldn’t touch it.

Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? No.

Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with?  I’ve never had a thing with guys.

To whom did you last give the finger?  I haven’t had to do that in a while.

What was the last musical instrument played in your presence?  My sister’s keyboard.

Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?  Not particularly. They make things look cute, but they never taste like anything tbh so I never saw the point in paying extra just to have them on my desserts.

Honestly, have you ever crashed a party before?  Nah. I cringe thinking about that.

Do you know how to do the moon walk?  I don’t.

Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice?  Never gotten that specific compliment before because I know I don’t have one.

Onion rings or french fries?  Onion rings.

Has anybody ever described you as a heart breaker? No.

Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast?  I don’t think so, but I know I have the tendency to do so occasionally, especially while I’m presenting a deck. Once I notice it I make an effort to pace myself.

Who is the best cook that you know?  My dad and both my grandmas all deserve that title.

Which meal throughout the day do you skip the most?  I literally never have lunch ever.

What’s the largest amount that you can juggle at one time?  I can’t juggle.

What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid?  Sandboxes, since I liked the texture; the sandboxes in school were also often empty, which worked well for my introvert self. I find that it’s carried over to today, since I still enjoy touching things like slime and kinetic sand.

Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much?  I think 5 or 6 lbs, I’m not exactly sure but it’s definitely somewhere in that small range.

Which aspect of your daily routine takes the most time? What do you do?  Work, for sure. I work a normal 9–6 so that’s already 8 hours out of my day, but I also OT a lot after hours, and I work throughout my lunch break as well so that technically makes it 9 hours. I also like getting up earlier and starting some work before my shift so that I would have less tasks on my plate for the day.

Do you enjoy buying gifts for others, or could you do without this?  I LOVE getting people gifts. Food is especially my love language, and I always get food delivery for my friends, family, and my team at work.

What is one thing you are expected to do, if anything?  I mean, I have work deadlines tomorrow so there’s that.

How do you tend to view driving? Monotonous or entertaining?  I love driving. I don’t think I ever complained about having to do it. It’s calming and relaxing when I’m doing it alone or with a partner; and it can be entertaining with the right set of people.

Do you enjoy talking about music with others? Not always. If I don’t listen to the artist then I can find the conversation quite boring, like if my friends would get into a full-blown discussion about Taylor Swift.

Is acting something you enjoy?  No. It wouldn’t even be something I’d be interested in doing.

When do you feel most accomplished?  Finishing a work day with no tasks left behind.

Do you think Manwich is amazing or completely gross?  Idk what that is.

How many best friends do you have?  Two.

Are you a smoker, drinker, pothead or none of the above?  I drink sometimes. I also kinda smoke, I guess.

If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced?  My mom had them pierced when I was a month old.

Do you own any exercise machines?  My mom has this rowing equipment thingy. I don’t have any of my own, though.

On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings?  No.

Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait?  I remember having to draw one as a school assignment, but I’m pretty sure I half-assed that because I couldn’t care less for art class back then.

Who was your last voicemail from?  We don’t have voicemails.

Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious?  I don’t think so. That’s the sort of situation that would stick out in my memory if ever.

Did you ever set up a lemonade stand when you were a kid?  No, not a thing here.

When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language?  Around an hour ago when I went downstairs and chatted with my sister briefly.

Have you ever received an anonymous gift?  Nope.

Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day?  Nope but I definitely still wouldn’t be opposed to doing that haha.

When were you the saddest in your life? 2016 was fucking miserable. < I’d have to agree. 2017 was also awful.

Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you?  I used to know one but she got out of it. In a sense, I suppose I also was in one.

If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you?  Well they’re younger, so they definitely still live here, with our parents. I’m the first one expected to move out, but I’m taking my time.

Have you ever gotten searched by the cops?  No.

Do you like fried rice?  Of course. I like any kind of rice.

What was the last thing you drank?  Water.

[clumsyclifford]

you’re the photographer who’s been camped in front of my penthouse apartment for two weeks and i finally got lonely enough to come downstairs and share my leftovers with you” au or the child star one please i am begging you -it’s me rye rye rye your boat

ok im working on the child star thing but its gonna end up being much longer so heres this which honestly also ran away from me let’s see if tumblr will even let it all post it’s almost 2k ENJOY thank u for the prompt ily

-

The first day, Calum glances out the window and sees a whole host of paps on his front step and thinks, good thing I did the shopping yesterday.

The third day, most of them have gone except a few stragglers. Calum is determined to wait them out.

The sixth day, Calum is starting to run low on milk, and there's only one person left out there. He’s properly set up camp, actually, in a beat-up Volkswagen that makes Calum chuckle, then catch himself for chuckling because this man is for all intents and purposes his mortal enemy. Calum finds it strange that someone with such brightly colored hair and (squinting, he thinks he can make out) tattoos would be a paparazzi. He looks more like a punk groupie than a photographer, but to each their own, Calum supposes. He's tempted to make a break for it, or maybe sneak out in a cap and sunglasses, but leaving the apartment at all will get him photographed, and sue him, he’d like to be left alone. This is, like, the only month he gets to himself before training starts up again. He intends to take full advantage of it. Total invisibility.

Which would be a lot easier if this fucking pap wasn’t dead set on snapping his photo. Calum sees him turn the lens of the camera towards Calum’s front window, and he hastily moves out of sight.

The tenth day, Calum calls Luke.

“What?” Luke asks.

“‘Hey, Cal, nice to hear from you,’” Calum says. “Thanks, Lukey, right back at you.”

“I thought you were doing radio silence for a month,” Luke says. “Like, keeping your head down.”

“I am,” Calum says, exasperated. “There’s just one guy who’s been camped out in front of my building for, like, almost two weeks.”

“So what? Just go past him. He’s just one guy,” Luke says. Calum envies Luke. It must be nice to not care what the press thinks. Not that Calum cares, exactly; he just hates that they’re so insistent on being invasive. Calum’s not supposed to be a public figure, he’s supposed to be a symbol of Aussie pride. He plays soccer, that’s all. Nothing to be excited about.

“No,” Calum says. He’s not sure where this dogged determination is coming from, but he knows he would rather die than acknowledge the paparazzi out in front of his building. He’s got a right to his privacy, damn it. “Look, it’s a whole thing, I don’t want to get into it. But, uh, I’m sort of short on a few groceries. D’you mind…”

Luke heaves an exhausted sigh that Calum recognizes well. He calls it the fucking hell Calum the things I do for you sigh. Sounds similar to the fucking hell Ashton the things I do for you sigh, but less horny.

“Fine,” he says. “Send me a list.”

Luke gets photographed on his way both up and down the building. Calum watches the one stubborn pap take his picture, look at it on the camera screen, and slump over as if thoroughly drained.

Well. That’s his problem. 

After two weeks, Calum caves.

He’s been subtly watching the pap out the window, and every day he looks a little worse for wear. Not that Calum can see him very well, but he can tell in the set of his shoulders, the way he leans against the steering wheel of his car or slouches against the driver’s window. Calum hasn’t been consistently staring, but he’s pretty sure this guy hasn’t even left. How is he eating? Is he eating? UberEats, maybe? Calum shudders to imagine living off of delivery Maccas. Here he is, eating home-cooked food, and this poor pap has been sitting out there, probably wishing he could go home and make some pasta.

For the first time in his recorded life, Calum takes pity on the paparazzi.

He cobbles together some leftovers from the past few nights — homemade pizza, a bean dish he’d got off the internet that hadn’t been half bad, and some spaghetti bolognese. He heats it all up and then takes the elevator down to the lobby.

Calum has genuinely not left his apartment in two entire weeks, so the greying evening takes him aback, but not nearly as much as when he makes eye contact with the blue-haired pap and the guy doesn’t instantly take his picture. Also, Calum thinks, despite his best efforts not to acknowledge it, he has to admit this is the most attractive paparazzi he’s ever met, and easily the most laid-back. Is that an eyebrow piercing? Fucking hell.

The pap rolls down his window. “Uh, hi?”

Calum starts to feel a bit silly, but whatever, he’s already here. “Hi,” he says. “Uh, you’ve just — you’ve been camped out here awhile, and I thought…maybe you’d want some real food? Not just, like, UberEats?”

The blue-haired pap looks suspicious. “Is this a bribe?”

“No, I wish,” Calum says, laughing a little. “If anything, this feels like feeding a kitten to encourage it to stay. I’d love for you to leave, but if you’re not going to, the least I can do is make sure you’re eating well.”

“I’ll leave,” the blue-haired guy says, surprising Calum. “I — I’ve wanted to leave since I got here. I’m sorry. You don’t have to feed me —”

“I insist,” Calum says, because he’s already gone through the trouble of heating it up, and he has a fork and everything. God, he’s going to regret this, he thinks, before adding: “Unlock the door? I’ll sit with you.”

The blue-haired guy looks positively dumbstruck. “Um,” he says. “You don’t have to.”

“Believe me, I know,” Calum says. “You just look like you could use the company. And, to be honest, so could I. What’s your name?”

“Michael,” blue-haired guy says, smiling gratefully with just a touch of apprehension. “Alright, if you say so.”

He hits a button, and Calum comes around to the passenger side and climbs into the car. It occurs to him that Michael could easily kidnap him right now. Calum’s entirely defenceless, and has just willingly gotten into a car with him.

(But Michael doesn’t look that strong, and Calum’s an athlete, for god’s sake. He could take him.)

“Here,” Calum says when he’s settled, offering up the food. “It’s all warm and everything.” He hesitates as Michael takes the tupperwares and cracks one open. “You — you said you wanted to leave? Why haven’t you?”

Michael already has a mouthful of spaghetti, so he covers his mouth with his hand and swallows before speaking. Calum tracks the way his Adam's apple moves, then mentally slaps himself for doing that.

“‘S my job,” Michael says. “Not because I like it. It just, it pays well enough, and…it’s not like I have anything better to do with my time. I’m usually not invasive like this, I swear. I try to keep at the back, I just get some blurry photos and people pay me for them, nobody usually cares. But my boss was, like, crazy about this. He kept pushing to get exclusive photos, and then when he heard you had a month off, he told me to stake you out like my life depended on it.” Michael looks incredibly sheepish, hanging his head. “Sorry, mate. I thought I could just get a few pictures on the first day and be done with it, and then when you didn’t come out, I tried to tell my boss you’d holed up. But he wasn’t having it. Told me to stick it out.”

“Christ,” Calum says, aghast. “Your boss sounds like a real dick.”

“He is,” Michael says agreeably. “But, you know. I need the money, so.”

Calum likes how honest Michael is. It’s refreshing. People tend to lie to him a lot, especially in regards to his job, which he’s usually very good at, but gets told he’s good at even when he’s not. Michael’s forthright, though. Calum appreciates it about him.

“Well,” he says obligingly, “take a few photos now and take them back to your boss. Can even say you got an exclusive interview if that wins you any points.”

Michael raises his eyebrows. “I didn’t.”

“Fine,” Calum says. “Ask me a question. Wait.” He pulls his phone out and opens up the voice memo app. Hits record. “Alright, ask me a question.”

Michael looks amused. “Okay, but you’re not going to like this question very much.” Calum gestures for him to go on. “Okay. Um, what exactly are you famous for?”

Calum stares at him and then bursts out laughing.

Once he’s calmed down, he manages, “I never thought I’d say this, but I am absolutely delighted to have met you, Michael. I’m the center forward for Socceroos.”

“Oh,” Michael says, grinning. “Explains why I don’t know you, then. I’m not really a sports guy.”

“Yeah? What kind of guy are you?”

Michael shrugs. “Music, really. Part of why I ended up in this line of work.”

So Calum’s initial instinct had been correct. He’s weirdly proud to know that.

“Well, Calum Hood,” Michael says, and Calum likes how his name sounds in an unfamiliar voice, saying it because it’s what he’s called, not because it’s some big name to throw around, “what’s your favorite color?”

“Blue,” Calum says.

“How many years have you played soccer?”

“Most of them. Boring question, been asked that a million times,” Calum answers. “Come on, be creative.”

Michael arches his eyebrow, like he’s ready for the challenge. “Alright then. Worst drink you ever had?”

“Any time I have to drink beer in America, it’s a dark day,” Calum says. American beer is awful, and he will die on that hill.

“Favorite song at the moment?”

“‘Monsters’ by All Time Low.” Michael hums appreciatively.

“Good taste. Favorite article of clothing you own?”

Calum glances down at himself. “Probably this sweatshirt,” he admits, because he’s pretty sure at this point the sweatshirt is legally part of his body. Has he even taken it off in two weeks? Hard to say.

“Uh, worst way you’ve ever tried to pick someone up?”

Calum really only thinks for a moment before diving headfirst. “Well, once there was this pap who sat outside my building for two weeks, so I brought him my leftovers because I felt badly, but then he turned out to be fairly interesting and very attractive, so.”

Michael turns pink. He grabs Calum’s phone and turns off the recording.

“You’re not picking me up,” Michael says. “You can’t. This is my car.”

Calum laughs. He likes Michael. “Humor me,” he says. “You can say no. I’ll still let you have the pictures and everything, I’m not a total dickhead.”

“I didn’t say no,” Michael says. He lifts up his camera. “Smile.”

Calum makes his most serious face at the camera and listens for the click. He makes another face, and the camera clicks again. Then again, and once more.

“Alright,” Michael says. “That’s my job done. I’m officially off the clock. You were asking me something, I think?”

“You’re a shit,” Calum says. “I might take it back.”

Michael grins. “You will not.”

No, he won’t. “Fine,” he says. “Dinner? Or, uh, ice cream? You’ve sort of just eaten.”

“Won’t say no to ice cream,” Michael says. He looks over at Calum and smirks. “Imagine if this is the ‘how I met your father’ story.”

It’s an extremely forward thing to say, Calum’s too busy laughing to call him out on it.

[starker-stories]

An Accord (WIS), Chapter 5

I’ll be re-creating my individual chapter posts for An Accord over here on the blog that replaces starkerstories. Until I hit the current chapter, I’ll be posting daily. They’ll have links to both tumblr and AO3 chapter links. I’m sorry if that bothers people who’ve seen this all before in the tag. I’m content to leave all my other fic as AO3 only, but this is my current favorite child, so I’m spoiling it rotten.

This fic is on a weekly update schedule. Hopefully every Friday. More chapters may appear sooner if the writing is going well. Because I have 0 self-control.

Tumblr Chapter Links: ch1, ch2, ch3, ch4, ch5, ch6, ch7, ch8, ch9, ch10, ch11, ch12, ch13 AO3 Chapter Links: ch1, ch2, ch3, ch4, ch5, ch6, ch7, ch8, ch9, ch10, ch11, ch12, ch13

Tags: Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Polyamory Negotiations, Polyamory, Cheating, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Domestic Nightmare Tony Stark, Reconciliation, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, WinterIronSpider, Happy Ending, Clothed Sex, Domesticity, Peter Parker is legal age in the state of New York, College Student Peter Parker, Takes place about 2 years after Civil War. Closeted Character

Summary: “Steve Rogers is the one and only voice of authority for the entire world.” Bucky ducked his head. “I may have asked him when he was going to be fitted for his armband.” ——————————————————————————————

Chapter 5: On accounta the stew

“Oh god that smells good,” Peter said, padding barefoot from the bedroom around ten into the kitchen, wearing a baggy pair of sweats and an even baggier, threadbare MIT t-shirt. “But y’know you don’t have to keep cooking for us.”

“I have to eat,” Bucky said with a shrug.

Tony followed next out of the bedroom, slightly less dressed, wearing only a pair of boxers, but apparently a shower had been taken because he was wearing considerably less dirt. “You don’t have to earn your keep here, Bucky.” Tony opened the drawer next to the fridge. “If I don’t have a menu for a place in here, it’s because their food sucks. FRIDAY, give Bucky level 1A access to you and 2 access to everything else.”

“Yes boss.”

“There ya go. Order what you want whenever you want it. Though not if you want to spend seven billion on a microscope.”

“And put a huge dent in the thing,” Peter chided.

Tony rolled his eyes. “It’s the casing. It doesn’t affect how it works, just how it looks. If it offends you so much, I’ll fabricate a new one out of gold-titanium alloy that’s harder to dent.”

“Oh god you’re gonna do that anyway just to make it red and gold.”

“You know me so well babe,” Tony said, grinning. He went over and looked into the huge pot simmering on low on the stove. “What is that?”

“Our late dinner.” Peter stuck a long spoon into the pot. “Stew. And it’s delicious.” He got a bowl and filled it.

“It’s all right,” Bucky said. “I ate about… oh… four hours ago. Y’know, Tony, soundproofing might be an investment worth considering,” he added, laughing.

Peter turned bright red. “Oh god.” He sat the bowl of stew down at the end of the table for Tony and filled another for himself.

“This is actually… good,” Tony said. “Tastes like the Irish stew Jarvis used to make.”

“Vision cooks?”

“Not JARVIS, Jarvis. Our butler.”

“You had a…”

“Of course he did,” Peter said with a sigh. “You get used to him dropping things like that as if everyone in the world grew up in a huge mansion with a butler and a staff. Do not ever expect him to change the sheets.”

“That’s what the staff is for.”

Bucky sat at the table across from Peter, next to Tony. “Steve would say it’s not proper Irish stew because you didn’t have any stout. Like Sarah ever kept liquor in her house…” He stopped suddenly, caught by the memory. “Sorry.” He hesitated. He wanted to talk about it but wasn’t sure of the reception. He decided to chance it.

“Even after your dad’s experiment changed him, he was still Steve. He was different, but underneath the whole Captain America thing, he was still the kid I grew up with in Brooklyn. He was a soldier, like the rest of us. A little headstrong, rubbed up against orders sometimes, but he took them.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter said, he reached his hand across the table and touched Bucky’s.

“Which is why I couldn’t understand…” Tony shook his head. “A hundred and seventeen countries, including this one… and half of his team… thought accountability was a reasonable request that the world was making of us.”

“It is,” Bucky said. “I spent the last year, since I left Wakanda, listening to Steve. The way he described it, in the context of what happened to SHIELD, not trusting another World Security Council sounded reasonable.”

“Why’d you change your mind?” Tony asked.

“I read them. He had his copy still. I couldn’t sleep. I’d read just about everything else where we were staying. So I actually read the Accords for myself.”

“They’ve been amended since then.”

“I saw that when I signed. I made them wait until I read the addendum pages.”

Tony laughed. “I bet they loved that.”

“After I signed, that’s when I got into it with him. He’s mad I signed. I still don’t understand why he didn’t. You guys, the Avengers, he said you were soldiers.”

Tony scoffed. “I’m not a soldier.”

“Well, you take orders better than one former U.S. Army Captain.” Bucky huffed in anger. “Without an effective chain of command, without oversight, there’s nothing to stop an army from turning on the people and putting someone like Hitler in charge. We both saw that happen. But no. Steve Rogers is the one and only voice of authority for the entire world!” Bucky ducked his head. “I may have asked him when he was going to be fitted for his armband.”

Tony sputtered around a forkful of stew. “I’d’a paid money to see his face.

“But you get it,” Tony continued. “When I found out what Stark was doing — what it was allowed to do — not only by my negligence, but because the DoD writes checks and never pays attention to what’s done with the money — I got out of the business. I couldn’t be a part of that. Is it still a problem with other companies, sure. I can’t right every wrong in the world. But I don’t have to be complicit with it. Rogers, he’s like — anyone who’s an Avenger can do whatever they want, whenever they want, anywhere in the world they want to do it. Which, okay, maybe. There’s less than two dozen of us and we were a team. That’s less of a problem. But there are many more Enhanced who the Avengers Initiative has no authority over.”

“The Accords still don’t,” Peter said. “I haven’t signed.”

“No. Neither has Murdock, Cage, Jones, Skye, Elena, and a whole lot more. A lot have signed, though. But since I’ve been unofficially running things, we monitor those who haven’t. What’s left of SHIELD handles the situation if an Enhanced becomes a threat. You’re not a threat, baby. And if you ever do decide to step out of the ‘friendly neighborhood’, you’re going to have to sign.”

“I will. I’m just not ready yet.”

“And I’m not ready to put you at that level of risk yet either. It’s above your paygrade. Keeping the world safe is my job. Keeping the streets safe is yours.”

“Fury said that for him to be able to debrief me, I had to become part of the Avengers Initiative.”

“So you’re on world-saving duty along with Tony.”

“Peter, that is the highest end dishwasher they make in the world. You don’t even have to rinse the bowl. Just put it in the machine. God,” Tony said exasperatedly as he watched Peter start to lower his bowl into the sink.

“And all you have to do is stretch the elastic corners over the ends of the mattress,” Peter said, noisily clattering both bowl and silverware in the sink.

Bucky laughed.

“Sorry. Old fights,” Tony said.

“We’ve only been together nine months, how can they be old fights?”

“They were old fights two weeks after you moved in and started leaving dishes in the sink and failing to notice that there’s a laundry hamper in the dressing room.”

“Elastic corners, Tony. You don’t even have to tuck them in the way I bet Bucky used to have to do.”

“Oh no. I am not getting in the middle of this. He’s the one who lets me live here, you’re the one who keeps me from destroying the room when I have a nightmare. Nope.” Bucky headed for the sofa. “I’m also not doing the dishes. I cooked.”

“You don’t cook so you can eat,” Tony said in a revelatory tone. “You cook so you don’t have to clean up after!”

“They did tell me you were a genius,” Bucky said, scrolling through Netflix. “After I learned how to cook, my sister got stuck with the dishes because she cooked like Peter says you do.”

“Staff, you guys. We. Had. Staff.” Tony got up shaking his head and emptied the sink of its dishes. He picked up the pot and poured its contents into the side of the sink with the disposal.

“What did you just do‽” Bucky said, leaping up from the sofa.

“You cooked too much. It's no big deal.” Tony started the disposal.

Bucky sputtered. “That was for the next three, maybe four days.”

“Uh, no.”

“Leftovers. Don’t you know the concept?”

“Didn’t most of your generation die of food poisoning?” Tony rinsed the pot and stuck it in the dishwasher with the bowls.

“Because we tried to keep food cold with ICE! Not a fridge that’s more technologically advanced than my arm! Stew is always better on the second day.”

“So’s salmonella.”

Peter came up and put his hand on Bucky’s arm. “It’s useless. I tried to keep leftover Chinese once. Got the same lecture. You learn to live with it.”

“It’s wasteful,” Bucky said, shaking his head. “There are people who…”

“Are eating tonight at one of seven homeless shelters the Stark Foundation funds every year. I am not getting food poisoning over either of yours guilt.”

“Used to be six. But then he threw out my leftover Chinese that I was saving.”

“Make it eight on accounta the stew.”

“If it’ll save my stomach, I’ll make it a round ten. No leftovers.” Tony grabbed Peter’s hand. “Thanks for dinner, pretty. It was good.”

“Woulda been better tomorrow,” Bucky muttered as he headed for the sofa and Tony and Peter headed for their bedroom.

Peter ducked his head back around the corner of the hall. “There’s wireless headphones in the drawer under the TV. Not as good as soundproofing but,” he added with a shrug before disappearing.

~~~~~

“I was worried,” Natasha said, answering Bucky’s call.

“It's not bad. It's good actually,” Bucky said. “Tony and Peter — the spider kid — are together.”

“Together?” Natasha asked

“Yes.”

“Together together?” she asked again, her voice rising in inflection.

“A couple. Yes.”

“He's a child.���

“He's seventeen. Which is, as he likes to remind everyone, the age of consent in New York state. He’s happy. Both of them are. Deliriously. Noisily. Often. He calls you Ms. Widow.”

“No. Really?” she tried hard not to laugh.

“Yes. It's adorable.” Bucky didn’t bother to try. “You should come back,” he said after a pause.

“I'm a criminal.”

“So was I. Tony can take care of that.”

“Tony's the one who made me a criminal,” Nat said pointedly.

“It's more complicated than that and you know it.”

“I'm not agreeing to house arrest.”

“Lang isn't an Avenger. You are. I am.”

“You are?”

“Part of the arrangement Tony made,” Bucky explained. “Instead of another session with Everett Ross, Fury’s handling my debrief. For that, I had to agree to the Avenger Initiative.”

“Did you want to?”

“There are worse things.” Over the phone, Natasha couldn’t see his shrug. “It’s a chance at a little redemption.”

“I thought SHIELD was mine.”

“From what Tony tells me, SHIELD isn’t what it used to be. HYDRA’s been purged.”

“You believe that?”

“No. But I can help them make sure it is.”

“We’ve been away almost two years.”

“I thought it fell apart because of me. It was the Accords. Tony’s right on this one. It’s been such a waste of time. Running. For what? Steve’s ego?”

“I told the same thing to Tony. It was his ego.”

“I’ve yet to see it show up, Natasha. No worse than anyone else’s. Steve’s wrong.”

“What about Wanda? There was the issue of her not being a citizen.”

“When did you become a citizen? It’s not an issue. Not if she signs.”

There was a long pause. “He’ll be on his own.”

“He’ll come to his senses then,” Bucky said with more heat than he’d intended. “He won’t as long as he has someone to follow the righteous Captain America into battle. The issue if he comes back isn’t the Accords. It’s the damage he did after. Tony says he’ll leave when he returns.”

“And you say you haven’t seen his ego?”

“I’ve seen the pain that Steve’s lies about me caused. The Accords? Steve signs and that’s over for Tony. What happened in Siberia? That’s a broken trust. Harder to set aside.”

“He set it aside for you, apparently.”

“I had no choice in what I did. Steve had a choice.” He paused. “I doubt Tony will walk away, no matter what he says. He won’t trust Steve. But there are very few people who Tony trusts. He works with the others anyway. He’ll reach a peace with Steve, if Steve will let him.”

“We’ll talk about it,” Nat said.

“Talk to the others before Steve. If he knows, he’ll start one of his ‘rally the troops’ speeches and everyone will follow him into hell. On their own, the only hold out will be Sam. He’s starstruck.” Bucky paused. “I’ve seen it before,” he said sadly.

[thecleverdame]

TEDTalk!Sam x Reader

Series Masterlist

Summary: With the rest of the staff caught in a snowstorm, you find yourself acting as a personal assistant to the notorious Sam Winchester.

Warnings: Humiliation, embarrassment, sexual objectification, mutual masturbation, dub-con, non-con

Words: 3000+

Beta: @ilikaicalie

Happy Valentines Day my loves ��� 

This is just a special Valentines treat, after this, all future parts will be posted to Patreon three weeks before they appear on Tumblr. But I wanted to bring you a little Asshole!Kale!Sam ♥

- 

You’re sitting next to Sam Winchester, the man that Forbes called one of the most powerful men in business...and he’s got your panties tucked in his pocket like it’s no big deal.

For the last twenty minutes, you’ve been gaslighting yourself.

Maybe you read the situation wrong? What if he didn’t even mean for you to take off your underwear in the elevator? But the more you replay the incident over and over in your mind you know it really happened. It’s a fact that's only confirmed as you shift in the chair and feel your naked ass against the fabric of the dress.

“Y/N.” It’s Sam saying your name and snapping his fingers that brings you out of this daze.

“I’m so sorry.” You gasp, staring from Sam to the other man in the room.

“Do we have the third quarter prospectus or not?” Sam raises his eyebrow and you fish through the folder in front of you.

“Yes.” Sliding a copy of the analysis toward both men. “There are future projections on the second page.”

You’ve memorized every detail of the emails Pepper sent. While you don’t understand the actual content, you've at least memorized what each meeting requires.

“Thank you.” Sam’s tone is less than understanding and the man across the table chuckles.

“What happened to your old assistant.”

“She’s couldn’t be here.” Sam’s eyes don’t leave the report in front of him as they talk about you like you’re not even here. “We’re just working with whatever asset we have, however poor that may be.”

The guy snorts and you turn beet red, fight back a swell of emotion. He’s just...mean.

You listen to them drone on and on about the future of intellectual property rights and their shared hatred for Jeff Bezos. It’s almost one o’clock by the time the meeting is wrapping up. That leaves an hour before he needs to meet with his financial team, the first employees on the ground since the storm passed.

“Are you hungry?” Sam asks succinctly, taking off his glasses and tucking them into his suit jacket.

“Yeah - I mean, Yes. I’m starving.” You collect his handwritten notes, carefully packing them into his briefcase.

“Good, we’ve got time to sit down for a meal. The restaurant here is supposed to be at least tolerable.”

--

Sam’s enthralled with his phone and you’re just happy to have his attention elsewhere. You watch as the wait staff carries trays of food in both directions. You haven’t eaten in twenty-four hours and all you want is the juicy burger that just walked by.

Your waiter is a young, happy guy who bounces over to the table. While he might not know who Sam is, he knows money when he sees it, occupational hazard.

“Welcome.” He clasps his hands together. Sam sets his phone on the table, offering his full attention. “Can I get you started with a drink? We have several white wines that are perfect for a light lunchtime-”

“No,” Sam grimaces. “Two waters and we’ll need to order now. We’re on a tight schedule.”

“Sure, of course.” The waiter gestures toward the menu. He turns toward you, “Do you know what you’d like ma'am?”

You can practically taste the burger. “Definitely, I want-”

“She’ll have the blood orange and spinach salad, and I’ll have red quinoa and avocado.” Sam looks across the table, closing his menu. The waiter hesitates, looking between you and Sam, who clears his throat. “That’s all.”

You sit back in your seat, clenching your fist under the table. What is this? Your first instinct is that this a test. He’s systematically testing your limits like a raptor testing the fence in Jurassic Park. He wants to see how far he can push. His comments about your clothes, the panties, his snide remarks in the meeting and now ordering your lunch - he wants to find out how much you’ll take.

It’s his motives you’re unsure about. Is he interested in you sexually or is all this just his sick version of a power game?

“Thank you,” you smile sweetly. “I was going to order a salad but I couldn’t decide which one.”

His eyes narrow, resting a forearm on the table. “It’s important to take care of your body.”

There it is, something dark simmering right under the surface This guy has boatloads of pent up issues, he’s going to make some therapist a lot of money one day.

“I agree.” You sit up straight, folding the cloth napkin over your lap.

“Do you?” He’s grinning but his eyes are honed in on you like a snake sizing up a fat little mouse. “Do you exercise?”

“Ye-yes.” You catch yourself this time. Normally you’re pretty good at faking confidence when you can’t muster the real thing but Sam is getting under your skin. “I used to be a runner, but I hurt my knee a couple years back. Now it’s all pilates and yoga.”

“How old are you?” His thumb and middle finger slide over each other as his studies you.

“Twenty-eight.” You take a drink of water just to break the intensity of his focus.

“And how did you end up working for me?”

“I just, I needed some office experience. I’ve never really worked in a professional environment before. I’m just trying to get my life on track, or least headed one solid direction. Look, I shouldn’t be here. I deliver the mail. I’m no one, Mr. Winchester.”

His throat bobs when you call him Mr. Winchester, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“I think you’re someone.” His eyes drag over you again, like you’re a piece of meat. There is no mistaking he wants something more from you than note taking. “Do I make you nervous?”

“Yes.” You respond succinctly. “I don’t know what you want - I’m not sure how to react.”

“You’re doing fine so far.”

“Yeah, right,” you sigh, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m terrible at this. I’m not organized, I don’t know what I’m doing and you have standards that are beyond-”

“I don’t care about that.” He waves his hand, that calm demeanor never breaking. “You’re not the most organized assistant, but Pepper will be here by tonight. She’ll fix whatever you manage to fuck up.”

You swallow, staring in silence as a waitress brings your salads. Once you’re alone again you lean in closer, placing both hands palm down on the table. “Why are you doing this?”

“What am I doing?” He asks, forking leafy greens, glancing up as an afterthought.

“The way you talk to me. In the elevator when you -” You whisper, making sure no one can hear you. “You have my underwear in your pocket.”

“Do you need them back?” He sets down his fork.

“What?” That wasn’t the response you expected.

“If you need them, I’ll give them to you.” He offers.

“I don’t understand this. You’re...” your point at him. “You. You don’t know anything about me. I could sue you for sexual harassment.”

“Are you going to sue me?” He’s clearly unconcerned. “Let me ask you a question, Y/N. Why do you think I’ve been so successful?”

Clasping hands together in your lap you think carefully, trying to suss out if this was a trick question. “You’re smart, focused. You work hard.”

“None of those really matter in the long run. The reason I’ve gotten to where I am today is that I can read people. My dad was a ringer, but I’m even better at it. You give me two minutes with anyone and I’ll tell you what you want and if they’re telling the truth. Everyone has a tell, it’s the little ticks and unconscious responses that give people away.”

“Like poker.” You add and he seems happy you made the connection.

“Yes, something like that. Last night when you came to my room you were nervous, unsure of yourself. But the moment I corrected you, told you to use your words, you start breathing faster, pupils dilated. You do the same thing every time you call me Mr. Winchester.”

“In the elevator, it was more than just your eyes and your breath. Your whole body went flush and lips parted. Every inch of you liked being given orders. You see, most people don’t like how direct I am. I hurt feelings, burn a lot of bridges. But you are a rare creature. You enjoy the degradation.”

“Well,” you start, closing your eyes in a flawed attempt to keep your cheeks from burning bright red. “I don’t know that I would say I enjoy it.”

“Tell me,” he pulls back a little, talking to you as if you’re the only two people in the room. “Are you wet right now?”

The question alone makes your thighs clench together. You stare at him for a moment before answering.

“Yes.” The confession comes out as a whimper.

He smirks, refocusing on his meal. “Eat your lunch. We have a long afternoon.”

-

After seven hours of meetings and glad-handing, you’re grateful the day is coming to an end. Everyone wants to meet Sam, talk to him, pitch their ideas and make a connection. Everyone wants a piece of him and you’ve spent the day trying to note down the name and position of every person he spoke to.

It’s a little after eight as you trail behind him, lugging his briefcase back up to his room.

“Pepper’s here.” He looks up from his phone, fishing his room card from his pocket. “She’ll take over for the cocktail hour tonight.”

“Perfect.” You sigh. You weren’t sure you had the stamina to make it through the rest of the night.

“Do you want to come inside?” He asks, pushing the door open, stepping out of the way.

“No.” You avoid his eyes. “I’m gonna go to my room.”

“Are you sure?” His head tilts to the side.

“Yes.” You carefully set his briefcase at his feet. “Goodnight.”

“Y/N.” He says your name with such finality that it sends a shiver up your spine. “Come inside.”

“I said I didn't want to.” You meet his stare as your hands begin to shake. “We shouldn’t-“

“And I told you to come inside.” His jaw clenches when you hesitate. “Now.”

“Okay.” You squeak stepping into the room. The door shuts behind you immediately, and there’s the click of the deadbolt.

“In here.” He disappears through a doorway and you follow into the master suite. The moment you lay eyes on his bed a warmth bubbles up from your belly. You hate that there’s any part of you that responds to him like this.

Sam circles around you, keeping his distance as he takes a seat in the chair in the corner of the room.

“What do you want from me?” You ask, barely able to stand on quivering legs.

“I want you to sit on the bed.” He explains, leaning back in the chair. His mouth is a tight line, betraying nothing. If he has any particular feelings one way or the other you’d be the last to know.

“Okay.” You whisper, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed, watching him watch you.

“Unzip your dress.” His instruction is enough to take the air right out of your chest. He must be enjoying this level of control, but you’d never know from looking at him.

You reach behind your shoulders and manage to unzip the back, looking to him for further orders.

“Pull it down around your waist.” One large hand palms over the crotch of his slacks, giving the first indication that he’s getting any actual pleasure.

You comply, pulling your arms out and lowering the top half of the dress until it’s bunched below your breasts, exposing a lace, black bra.

“Pull your bra down. Show me your nipples.” His eyes shift down to watch.

Oh, God.

You tug each cup down until both breasts are exposed. Your nipples are already hard as pebbles, aching along with the rest of your body.

“Pull your skirt up around your thighs.” He watches as your eyes fall to his hand, rubbing his cock through his pants. You comply, pulling your skirt up. “Further.”

By the time he’s satisfied your dress is up around your hips, bare ass on the soft comforter.

“Now lie back and spread your legs.”

You stare at each other for a moment before you lean back, the back of your head meets the mattress. You suck in a fractured breath, spreading your thighs until you feel the cool air on your sex.

“Wider.” He’s a disembodied voice now. Measured and confident in every detail of what he wants from you. “Let me see your pussy.”

You bend your knees, putting your heels on the bed until they touch your buttocks, spreading yourself as wide as possible for his viewing pleasure.

“Your cunt’s as perfect as the rest of you.” He laments, but you get a distinct feeling he’s not really talking to you, it’s just commentary. “Touch yourself.”

You close your eyes for a moment, the ceiling blinking in and out of view as your hand snakes between your legs. Using your middle finger you find your clit and make slow, careful circles, applying just enough pressure to bring yourself pleasure.

This is by far the most humiliating thing you've ever done, but it's the humiliation that has you so worked up. He was right. There’s something about the complete shame of the moment that’s working you up.

There’s a familiar zip and the rustle of clothing, and then the faint, subtle sound of skin on skin as he strokes his cock, watching you masturbate.

The more your body responds, the less you care about the fact that you’re rubbing your clit in front of your boss. Dipping into your slick cunt, you coat your finger, moving back to press faster circles over the swollen bud. A muted sigh escapes your lips and you realize you’ve been trying to stay quiet but there’s no reason remain silent. A full moan tears from your throat as you butterfly your legs further apart in an effort to give a better view. At this moment you want him to see every inch of you, to feel his eyes burning into your skin.

“Fuck yourself with your fingers.” His voice is strained, a crack in the armor as you hear him stroke himself faster.

You slide your other hand between two shaking thighs and sink two fingers into your pussy. He’s breathing faster, harder and the room is filled with the sounds of both your labored breath, the wet noise of your cunt taking your own fingers and Sam working his cock.

“Oh fuck.” You moan, arching back into the mattress and shoving a third finger into your aching cunt. Your hand is moving faster and faster over your clit and you’re so close to having an orgasm in front of his man you hardly know.

“Put the fingers that are in your cunt, in your mouth, and keep rubbing your clit. Make sure your legs stay open when you cum.” He pants, the whap, whap, whap of his hand growing even faster.

You don’t hesitate, shoving the three fingers over your tongue, sucking on the taste of yourself as you cum. Groaning, you struggle to keep your thighs spread wide, giving him a full view of your wet, empty flesh clutching around nothing.

He grunts one time, and the sound of his hand stops as you claw at the sheets, trying to anchor yourself as you pant and stare at the ceiling.

For minutes the only sound is your breath. You’re not sure what to do, but then he’s zipping up as you hear him moving across the floor. “You can leave.”

By the time you sit up, he’s gone. The door to the bathroom clicks shut, the lock turns as the shower comes on. Leaving you trembling and unsure of what exactly just happened.

-

Tags:  @smallgirlbigpersonality @mereka18 @gryffindorable713 @trainlikeawinchester @winchesterprincessbride @bamby0304 @notyourtypicalrose @mariekoukie6661 @little-big-mac2 @emoryhemsworth @mystriee @atc74 @holyfuckloueh @bunnybaby121115 @mogaruke @darkmystress00 @jaspesangriento @kazuha159 @mirandaaustin93 @crispychrissy @schilj79 @wilde-abandon @hennessy0274-blog @bojabee @miss-samantha-winchester @impalaimagining-mainblog @andkatiethings @astephez @ladycynthia @mrswhozeewhatsis @lenawiinchester @feelmyroarrrr @mrs-meghan-winchester @har-rystyles @mistressofallthingsgeeky @theamuz @maui137 @stars-and-seas @vale0413 @impala67trenchcoat @curly-haired-disaster @ericaprice2008 @livelikeawinchester @althehufflepuff @itsthesamegametoday @bohowitch @spnwoman @just-a-normal-eccentric @gallifreyansass @StoneyGGirl @lonely-skys @81mysteriouslyme @missrandomista @soupornatural @stars-and-seas @natura1phenomenon @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @81mysteriouslyme @likhelbentin @mrooks0205 @zombiewerewolfqueen @winchesterprincessbride @squirrel-moose-winchester @fortisetgloriosusinarduis @closetspngirl @dominodoll @rainflowermoon @cleighwrites @camelotandastronauts @imarockstar45 @thebeastinside19 @courtney-padalecki @itsthesamegametoday @virtualgirlfriendsan @daisymoder72 @fandom-is-my-middle-name @mysticmcu @luciferseclipse @malinda1997 @sunlight-dean @rockhoochie

[holydanced]

     *      —     so this did NOT take long at all  ,  wow  ….. but anyways  ,  hello m’loves im alex  &  i’m on my current bullshit of prolonged - everything and wack intros  !!  i’m 21  ,  my pronouns r she / her  ,  from the incredible tz that is gmt and but have zero  (  0  ) concept of time clearly   &  i like watching tasty vids knowing damn well i’m never making a single dish and other stuff it’s 2 late for me 2 rmbr and list but welcome to my step daughter  ,  shmoke itch queue !! under the read more is 1 / 2 of the intro posts i plan on posting this week with a good batch of my shunts  .  can’t wait 2 get back to ya’ll on plots and connections and hmu if a muse peeks ur unfortunate interest !!

*   SOUTHERN HELL   /   AMANDA WHEELER  :   queen of irony. rich faux post-country gal. a loud homosexual who writes hetero fics/has an indie het smut for the absolute shits and giggles. madly in love with her girlfriend and WILL remind you just in case you forgot. said to be possessed by a possessed flapper. cute and knows it even though she looks like a republican. socially open & everywhere. morally grey.

*   VEGAN OVERLORD   /   IMOGEN YATES  :   the grey area between your mom friend and your drunk aunt. happily vegan & owns a vegan restaurant called the fork, alt. the local vegan cult’s lair. won’t kill you, but will convince you she really wants to. local brat tamer. minds her business via minding others. clashed head-first into nature’s very own reset button: amnesia. used to be the devil herself and traumatized everyone she once knew. disgustingly active and accomplishing. 

*   WALMART AVRIL LAVIGNE   /   PRUDENCE ZIMA  :   parents died in a fire when she was a youngin and it shows. idolizes avril lavigne & her favorite movie is lords of dogtown for aesthetics references. dude. social leech or effortless networker ? both. remains in her lane regardless. cries over dick biweekly. here for a good time, not a long time. steals your stash and smokes you out with it. avid dick connoisseur. loves her pet python to death. minimum effort lifestyle. either on her way to become a manager of some one hit wonder band that finds it’s demise in a crashing plane, a drug dealer or god forbid, a guidance counselor. mild gone girl type cool girl syndrome. 

*   SATAN  ,  BUT IN FRENCH   /   ABEL GAUTIER  :   french and “confused”. lives a minimalist n’ expensive lifestyle. if american psycho & french kiss were the same movie. wine sniffer. the devil bakes croissants. will watch you die. takes grudges to the afterlife. gets attached but either ruins it or ruins it to spare everyone, himself included. falls in love a lot but knows how to calm the fuck down. well-suppressed murderous tendencies. very giving, fortunately. manipulative but isn’t too wild about bending everything to his will. 

*   ROSES IN THE TRASH DOT PNG   /   SIMINI GALE  :   [ britney vc ] its me…. against dissociation. token white actress & character in rosie’s show. a loud mess with an intense mental state and anger issues dulled out by her prescribed meds and whatever pill she got in the bottom of her manager’s purse. overly dependent and is distraught about it. grocery shopping for garbage food and attending comedy stand ups half drunk as a hobby. stable ? don’t know her. very nice and super flighty. heels are hot. wishes she could fight someone without feeling the urge to actually fight someone. crying probably.

*   HAPPY MACHINE BROKE   /   CALVIN O’SHEA  :   it’s not just the depression more than the incredible self hatred. walks into rooms with his bad energy  &  cunty attitude. graduated college just to shut his dad up. wants to die harder than edward cullen. just doesn’t give a shit. has a baby named FREDDIE MERCURY JOHN LENNON BAUMANN ( also known as the antichrist, with alanis, his mortal literal enemy whom he absolutely despises and will NOT hesitate to put his dick back in again ) . wishes he could die.

*   DIVORCED DADS ARE HOT   /   KELLY SCOTT  :   a father who tries™. runs a chop shop because bad decisions and dire needs ( had his son to send to school and his daughter who passed away due to a condition he couldn’t afford to treat even after turning his mechanic shop into a chop shop. his wife then left him ) .stares into the distance. needs to pull out of this dull n’ depressing daily routine he has fallen into like the basic ass divorced dad he is.

*   SLAVGOTH    /   SEBASTIAN MILLER  :   kazimer sokolov whom. russian ex-cult member well-adjusted into a mundane life via lies, a fake canadian accent he’s ‘trying to get rid of’ and being a twilight saga aficionado & a certified dick. runs his lame record store and a tumblr blog to keep himself sane by maintaining a general aesthetic & shitting on people and every discourse out there. knives/books sniffer. allegedly fucked a moose. probably kinkshames as a way to deal with his own “kinks”. you thought it’s one fake bitch in this house but it’s quite literally two.

*   UNCLE SAL WITH THE FACTS    /   SALVATORE PRESLEY  :   a hitman who doesn’t know how to retire. talks. a great father and boyfriend in a long, long, long term relationship. gets shit done which is both a good thing and a bad thing. don’t call him salvatore, don’t call him anything. knows how to mix drinks and other things. obsessive; gets into his job a little too intensely and it shows. loses sleep at least two nights a week as a habit at this point. family-oriented; has an extended family back home he misses occasionally. wishes he could calm down truly.

*   UH HUH ,  THIS MY SHIT ! ALL THE GOTHS STOMP YOUR FEET LIKE THIS !  /   FRED MARLON  :   not-so-local - perky goth -  skater boi. bisexuals wear multiple rings. was a cheerleader and won’t stop spelling shit & chanting since then. advocates for getting your guts stirred safe sex. lucid dreams. criminology major but associates with film majors for some reason. was the employee of the month everywhere he worked. remembers his time in bed, bath and beyond fondly. went to psycho camp when he was twelve. a motherfucking sweedie. actual foot fetish apologist.

*   [ POINTS AT EMPTY CORNER ] AND HERE’S MY GREAT GRANDFATHER, ARMITAGE   /   MARSHA HUNT  :   obsessing over the victorian (gothic) era & death. obsessive, period. interesting family lineage. believes the manor she inherited is haunted (mainly because deaths happened there and up until a certain period in its history, they had their own graveyard within the estate). believes a lot of things that don’t make sense but bear with her. crackhead tendencies. talking is a full body experience. demands your full attention or none of it. allergic to but likes flowers. witchcraft? she’s listening. romantic in the worst way. will teach you how to dance. not entirely here at all. writer_in_the_dark.mp3. heightened senses. rich and doesn’t know what to do with the money. doesn’t trust first impressions. the drunk aunt and the weird cousin. 

*   ( PRETTY ) DAFT BOY  /   JACK LOWELL  :  jackary. handsome_the_vaccines.mp3. vaguely ‘poetic’ instagram captions & private social media accounts made for his mental breakdowns. currently on a “break” from college. lashes out over air. a current equipment bitch to the band he got kicked out of. manipulative and morally on the fence of neutral and his father’s son. isn’t sure if he enabled his sister’s murderous nature on purpose or not. will crash at your place and finish your cereal but still make you breakfast and a cool tune in the morning like the soft, self-absorbed cunt he is. self destructs over one ( 1 ) girl and hangs out with many.

*   THE REASON WHY YOUR CAR RIDES GO THE FUCK OFF  /   NAZARETH NIEVES  :  pouty lesbian. music producer tormenting her record label by being a brat. chronically bored and disgusted. pulls a rihanna and makes close friends off the industry. will bite heads off. selectively decent. is unable to enjoy music from the same genre she produces for. power bottom. brutally killed her dead best friend’s father, hid his body and picked up his youngest daughter from school and took her in her family home; the line of murders in their unsuspecting city ceased conveniently. likes the smell of nail polish.

[rockin-llama]

92 (I think it was 92???)

tagged by @fxvixen​ ayyyyye pretty ladayyy

rules: fuck the rules (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

LAST…

[1] drink: water

[2] phone call: this solicitor that won’t leave me alone. Really, I need to get on a do-not-call list

[3] text message: “xo”from my Mom

[4] song you listened to: “Waving Through a Window”

[5] time you cried: ummm, maybe a few nights ago while reading? I don’t really keep track, I get emotional over books.

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: as in, date the same person twice (no) or date two or more people (yes)?

[7] been cheated on: yes

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: not really. There was this really drunk kiss with my half-aunts husbands nephew. Which even though that’s far enough away from being incest it still weirded me out when I sobered up. Plus I can’t remember his name for the life of me.

[9] lost someone special: yeee

[10] been depressed: ah, haha, hahaha

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: gotten drunk, yes. Never to the point of throwing up though. I’ve felt pretty sick the next day though.

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

[12] Blue. Like, a deep blue. Not so dark that it looks black, but, like, deeeep.

[13] I’ve always liked dark greens, but they don’t really look too good on me.

[14] Rolanberry Red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yep

[16] fallen out of love: not really

[17] laughed until you cried: oh yeah

[18] found out someone was talking about you? Bitch, who wouldn’t talk about me.

[19] met someone who changed you: maybe??

[20] found out who your true friends are: What constitutes as a “true friend”? I’ve always been perplexed by that notion. A friend is a friend. I just talk about different things with different people.

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: Bet y’all’d like to know who ;) (that was me channeling inner middle-school Marina)

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Now, this is something that I have to pick over. “in real life”. Like, if I have you on facebook I’m considering you as a part of my life (does that make sense??) And a lot of my facebook friends I have met through playing online games. So, no, I haven’t met them in real life (yet, someday I will take a massive road trip) but I consider us friends outside of playing games. So my answer is yes, all of my facebook friends I know in real life.

[23] do you have any pets: Jellicle (Jelli for short) is my kitty cat at my parents house. Unfortunately I can’t have free-roaming pets in the house I’m renting so I only have a beta fish, Hemingay, a bonsai tree (Groot 2.0, the first one was stolen off my porch), and a philodendron named Phil.

[24] do you want to change your name: Nada

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: uh, pretty sure I was playing video-games

[26] what time did you wake up: 10ish

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: reading

[28] name something you cannot wait for: to move to the mountains and have a horde of huskies

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: about 4 days ago

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish i had a little more motivation??

[31] what are you listening to right now: my fan running in the background

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes, I know a lot of toms. What the fuck is up with this question?

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: people who don’t hit “reply all” in a group email. For real peeps, we’re all seniors in college. You should know this by now.

[34] most visited website: uhhhh, I’m honestly not sure. Tumblr is definitely up there, but even though I hardly ever post stuff I open facebook out of habit.

[35] elementary: what about elementary? Are you asking what school I attended? Who my teachers were? If I ever pulled the fire alarm? WEll, I didn’t pull the fire alarm, but I did like to flood the bathroom sinks and report to the teacher that “someone clogged the sinks again”. I was a weird child.

[37] college: comme ci, comme ca. I’m pretty much only taking online classes this semester.

[38] hair colour:  so up until I was around 12 my hair was white blonde. When i hit puberty though it slowly started changing color. I now have light brown hair, but in the summer it has blonde highlights.

[39] long or short hair: shoooooooort. I have an undercut that leads to one side being shaved.

[40] do you have a crush on someone: ehh. I’m attracted to a lot of people but i’m not interested in starting a relationship at this point in my life.

[41] what do you like about yourself? So it’s very cliche, but I fucking love my eyes. They range from green to gray to blue. And I have abnormally large pupils so they really accent them. People in high school just assumed I was high all the time.

[42] piercings: dude, guys, peeps, I love piercings. And I am majorly attracted to people with piercings. I have my double lobes done and an industrial bar on my left ear. If I didn’t bite my lips so much I would consider getting a lip ring because I fucking love them.

[43] blood type: AB- , yeah, I’m one of those people

[44] nickname: Mina/ Mina Bina, Rina, MooMoo (thanks Final Fantasy)

[45] relationship status: pining for dogs

[46] zodiac sign: virgo

[47] pronouns: she/her

[48] fav tv show: hmmmm, D. Gray-Man (does that count as a tv show? I don’t watch tv)

[49] tattoos: I have so many tattoo plans. I want the fuckign white tree of Gondor on my back.

[50] right or left handed: right, but I eat properly with my fork in my left hand.

FIRST…

[51] surgery: I had seven stitches in my chin when I was seven years old. Buuuuuut, I’m having major surgery this summer to reduce the size of my boobs. It’s gonna be a grand ol’ time. (hellooooo pretty bras)

[52] piercing: first lobes when I was 7

[53] best friend: I mean, I always call Staci my best friend. And we’ve known each other for our entire lives.

[54] sport: Technically I played soccer in kindergarten, but I wasn’t good at it.

[55] vacation: there’s pictures of toddler-me running naked towards the ocean in Florida with my mom chasing after me with my swimsuit.

[56] pair of trainers: oh fuck if i know, they were most likely blue and from JCpenney’s

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: cough drops

[58] drinking: coffee (I know, it’s a disgusting mix with cough drops)

[59] i’m about to: pretend the college didn’t just call me to pay my bill, lol too bad my voicemail inbox is full  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[60] listening to: “Wildfire” - Keston Cobblers Club (it’s incredibly catchy, I strongly recommend)

[61] waiting for: the day I live in the mountains with dogs.

[62] want: for me to decide what I want for dinner

[63] get married: I guess I’d like to be married someday. But I often like to disappear and just be by myself, so, someone very understanding and able to give space would be needed.

[64] career: right now I work full-time as a Kitchen and Transportation Manager at a daycare. It’s amazing. So, I’m basically a fancy lunch-lady. But i’m also a full-time student. One day I will be a famous author and able to support myself through writing (hah_)

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: So I really love hugs. Probably because you don’t get judged by hugging people platonically. And i’m always cold, so body contact is a major thumbsup imo. Buuuuut, I do also like kissing. But kissing kind of involves a hug (at least, most of the time?) In short, hugs are better just because they’re involved in both.

[66] lips or eyes: eyes

[67] shorter or taller: I like my fruity drinks tall, but since I am also a fan of a Manhattan I’m used to short cups as well.

[68] older or younger: I like how many of these questions aren’t even questions, they’re just assuming you know what they’re asking. And I’m a little peeved that I know exactly what the assumption is. idc

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: I like necks. Like, damn, especially since chokers are back in fashion now allllll of my attention is drawn to the neck.

[71] sensitive or loud: are you insinuating that loud people can’t be sensitive?

[72] hook up or relationship: neither here nor there

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: ???

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? kinda

[75] drank hard liquor? yeeeeees (see earlier comment about Manhattans)

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? kinda? I misplace my glasses all the time when I’m cooking

[77] turned someone down: yes

[78] sex on first date? ehh, there’s a lot of “depends” that can go into this

[79] broken someone’s heart? *shrugs*

[80] had your own heart broken? *shrugs* you’re assuming I have a heart to begin with

[81] been arrested? ;) ... no

[82] cried when someone died? yes

[83] fallen for a friend: muahahaha

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? yeah, most of the time

[85] miracles? I’m not a firm believer in praying your worries away, so if that’s the type of miracle you’re asking my answer is “no”. However there have been some major moments of coincidence. I’m putting my money on aliens getting bored.

[86] love at first sight? Does my cat count? I saw her and knew immediately that I wanted to adopt her.

[87] santa claus? only if I can live in the North Pole

[88] kiss on the first date? yeeeee, most likely

[89] angels? Coming from a scientific point of view, I know for certain that the probability of humans being the only advanced race out there is practically nil. Therefore, I have no right to say whether or not angels exist somewhere. I know my late-grandma always did, she prayed to them every morning.

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: Staci! I said it earlier, probably, but I’ve been working on this for a few days and don’t feel like scrolling all the way up.

[91] eye color: I thiiiink I also said this. But blue, gray, greenish

[92] favorite movie: Princess Mononoke

i’m tagging No one! Ha!