#you know the struggle is real when you steal tampons from the store

[your-new-dealer]

yes if somebody would like to mail me quality paints and lots of books of my choice without me having to do much that’d be great . like a sugar daddy but book daddy that doesn’t want any of the sexual stuff or a book mistress idgaf just somebody spend their money on me mmk thanks

[starshipsofstarlord]

Pietro Running Out in the Middle of the Night to Get You Tampons Would Include….

Summary: literally what the title says ^^^

Pairing: Pietro Maximoff x reader

Warnings: mentions of periods and stealing, other than that immense fluff

Masterlist Link

It’s that moment that you wake up, you instantly feel uncomfortable from the slick that is in between your legs - and not the good kind

You can feel cramps berating your stomach as you sit up, and luckily, you had woken before you could spill on the sheets

So quietly you creep out of bed, wrapping Pietro’s arms around a pillow, and head to the attached bathroom

Rifling through the cupboard under the sink, you release a frustrated groan when you come up empty. There’s none in there, you coulda sworn that there was!

It leaves you unsure of what to do, it’s not the good old days anymore when you all live in the tower, you and Pietro are adults now and have your own place

And thus, as you return to your room, you see your boyfriend stretching, clearly releasing any tension that was in his legs from all the running that he did, and it made you feel guilty as you crept onto the bed and gently shook him awake

His blue eyes would peel open as he would rub the sleep out of them, and a smirk would dress itself onto his face as he released the pillow from his arms

“What is it draga?” And god does his accent make you squeeze your thighs together, and he sure as hell notices as he rubs circles onto the exposed skin of your thigh

Gulping, you peer up at him as you know that sooner or later that he’s going to realise that he’s not being awoken to get that kinda lucky

“Can you run to the store real quick, I’m out of tampons?” And this boy’s face would melt

All the cockiness would instantly go away as he looked at you softly, and he’d lean up and press a peck upon your forehead

“Of course” he’d reply, and within a second of standing, he’d be gone, as you made sure to lay on a blanket in the mean time

You’d hug the cushion yourself as you smiled, realising that this was the best that you could do; he would run around the world and get you anything if you asked

Wanda liked to say that he was whipped and you couldn’t entirely disagree with that

And within a few minutes, he’d be back

“You paid for them right?” You asked as he handed you the box, his eyes widening from the question

“I forgot my wallet. I’ll drop it off tomorrow.” He reassures you, though the next day he definitely forgets

As you return out from the bathroom, you find a hot water bottle on the bed, as well as a bowl of popcorn, with butter of course

“What’s all this?” He stifles a yawn as you ask that

“I know you struggle to go to sleep at this time of the month, so if figured we could watch a movie.” And of course he put mean girls on because he has taste

You smile at him as you get into bed and stroke his hair, pressing a kiss to his scruff in thanks

You eat some popcorn and by the time you put it on the bedside table, Pietro rests his head besides your stomach, rubbing circles as his forehead touches the hot water bottle

When Cady and the others are at the mall for the first time together, snores rifle the audio, and as you look down you realise that you have a speedster asleep on you

Eventually you fall asleep too, your hands still in his hair

[ecto-american]

Period Pains

The things @ghostgothgeek inspires me to write

On AO3

Warnings: Talk of periods

The fluorescent humming of the lightbulbs and soft music seemed to be the only background noise of the local store. Danny's eyes scanned the shelves hard, growing confused as he struggled.

Maximum absorbance? Ultra thin? Flex foam? What? What the fuck do any of these even mean?

He scratched his chin, giving a curious hum as he tried to remember the brand name Sam told him. Danny reached into his pocket to pull out his phone to try and compare the picture of the tampon box he took when Sam first made the request. He heard a store cart wheel past the aisle before abruptly stopping.

"Danny Phantom?" a confused feminine voice called out. Danny froze before remembering. Oh yeah. He really didn't wanna be seen buying these as Fenton, or even being in the tampon aisle.

"Hello, citizen," he tried to greet cheerfully, but it came out weak and timid as the reality of his decision fully hit him. He glanced to see a confused middle aged shopper staring at him with wide eyes, pushing a cart full of items. She quickly hurried past, and Danny returned his attention to the shelf.

What the fuck, none of the boxes matched. He stared, dumbfounded. Was he at the wrong store?

He nervously walked down the aisle towards the wall, and his face lit up with relief before flinching. There was more. Holy hell there were so many options! How did girls know what kind to use? Sports? Security? Click compact? What?

He held his phone up and compared the boxes to the picture. Oh thank Pariah Dark, one finally matched. He eagerly snatched the box up, tucking it under his arm. He paused. What if Sam needed two? Wait, how many were in a box? He glanced and read the box, recognizing some of the new buzzwords that he had learned about feminine hygiene products. Holy shit 36!? ...Wait was that even enough?

Danny could feel eyes boring into him, and he turned to see a couple staring at him in absolute disbelief. He felt his cheeks burn a dark green.

"It's-it's not mine," he stammered out. "It's for my girlfriend."

"You have a girlfriend?" the guy asked curiously. Danny nodded, and he glanced at the shelves. Sam didn't bleed enough to warrant a second box, right? Well she did run out. But did that mean she was almost done? "Dude! You're Danny Phantom!" Danny winced.

"Yeah, yeah, I know who I am," he muttered.

"Can I have your autograph?" the girl blurted out. Danny forced a smile.

"Got a pen?" he asked.

The girl immediately began to dig through her purse and produced a small handful of pens, as well as what looked like a study guide for some class. She offered both to Danny. He picked a purple sharpie.

"Um, hold this real quick."

He traded her the tampons for the paper, and he used a shelf to quickly sign. The girl's face brightened, and she happily took the paper back.

"Thank you so much!" she chirped, and she showed it to her boyfriend while putting the pens away. Danny took this as his chance to quickly walk away.

He stuck close to the wall, keeping the tampons between him and the wall to avoid anybody seeing. He prayed that he wouldn't run into his parents, or worse, Valerie. Both would immediately be guns blazing, assuming he was out to...steal tampons. For some reason.

"Is that Danny fucking Phantom?" a surprised voice called out. Danny walked faster, and he slipped into an aisle.

Sam didn't ask him for it, but Danny had a sister. He knew the deal. Not the whole deal, but enough to know that he would be the world's best boyfriend if he picked up a little something extra for his beloved. After some careful searching, he found what he was looking for. The vegan chocolate Sam loved the most. He smiled in relief as he picked up a bar of it.

"Danny Phantom!" a child's voice gasped. Danny turned to see two boys, no older than seven, staring at him in absolute disbelief. He felt himself relax a bit, giving a friendly smile and wave. Kids were so much easier to interact with than judging adults or lovestruck teenagers.

"Hey," Danny greeted. One boy was shyly tugging on the hem of his shirt, which Danny noticed had his logo on it.

"Hi," he replied shyly. Danny glanced up to see a woman turn into the aisle with a shopping cart. She looked surprised and paused when she saw him before quickly wheeling up.

"Danny Phantom?" she seemed so confused. Danny nodded in confirmation. She smiled a bit. "Jason loves you. Jason, did you say hi, honey?"

She reached out to put her hand on her son's head, the one in the Danny Phantom shirt. He just stared at his feet. Danny knelt to his height.

"Hey, Jason," he greeted him again. He held out his hand, allowing it to glow lightly. Some ice began form. Jason and the other kid began to stare at it in absolute awe as the glowing powers soon finally faded and left in its place a small ice sculpture of the Danny Phantom logo. Danny offered it to Jason, who happily took it.

"I want one!" the other kid blurted out.

"I gotcha, dude," Danny promised him, and he repeated the process. This time the kids were nearly bouncing in place at being able to see such an event up close. The other got a logo as well.

"Thank you!" the other kid practically shouted as he snatched it up eagerly.

"Thank you!" Jason quickly spoke up.

"Of course, just make sure you stay clear of ghosts. A lot of them aren't very nice, and I don't want to see you get hurt," Danny explained. They nodded, and both began to shove them up to their mom to show her, both chattering a mile a minute.

"Yes I see, they're very nice, be careful with it," their mom began to try and calm them down, but to no avail. "Boys, go pick out your candy." The words were like magic, and the two began to run up and down the aisle trying to find what they wanted. The mom sighed lightly. "Thank you," she told Danny, and she cocked her head curiously. "No offense, but why are you here?" Danny flinched at the unintentional reminder. He held up his items for purchase.

"Girlfriend," was all he said. The mom nodded understandingly.

"Getting chocolate's a good move," she told him. "Smart man."

"Thanks. Have a good night," he told her, giving a small wave before quickly exiting the aisle.

It's almost over. It's almost over. Danny exhaled deeply as he headed towards the self check out. He was so close. He just had to make the purchase, and then he could immediately fly out, invisible all the way back to Sam's.

Oh no. Oh no.

His heart sank as he saw the dreaded rope of doom stretched across the self check out area. Closed. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He stared at the line. It wasn't too bad, but given his items of purchases, he'd rather go through the accident again. Danny exhaled deeply. It was for Sam. He could do this. Boyfriends bought their girlfriends tampons all the time. Hell, his dad would constantly chuck what his mom and Jazz needed into the cart with zero fucks. Why couldn't he be more like that? Danny felt ashamed of himself. He and Sam were nearly twenty. They'd been together for almost a year, and he can't just go and get tampons for her in his own human form like an actual good boyfriend? Well, way too late to back out of this now.

The ghost went to stand in line. The man in front of him, an older man with a mustache and thick glasses, glanced behind to see who came, and he immediately did a double take before staring. Danny gave a shy wave. The man frowned, narrowing his eyes at him. Danny began staring off to his left, but he could still feel the man staring at him.

"What the fuck is a ghost doing here?" the man finally spoke. Danny's eyes locked back onto the man's.

"I'm buying tampons and some chocolate for my girlfriend." It came out a bit more raspy and weak than he wanted it to, and he coughed a bit at the end to clear his throat. The man stared hard at him.

"Ghosts need tampons?" he sounded skeptical, and he took a step forward as the cashier finished checking out the person before him.

"She's human," Danny explained. The man's face darkened as he scowled. He raised a finger up to Danny.

"I think it's absolutely disgusting that you would take advantage of a human like that, and you should be ashamed of yourself," he told him. "I hope the Guys in White destroy you one day."

Danny just swallowed nervously. How do you even respond to something like that? He just bit his lip and stared off to the side again. The man, to his relief, turned to the front and refused to say another word to him. Although he did shoot him a nasty glare as the cashier gave him his receipt.

He wordlessly put his stuff on the conveyor belt, and the bored cashier began to ring him up.

"Is that all for you today?" she asked. Danny cleared his throat.

"Uh, yeah," he murmured. The cashier hummed in acknowledgement as she read out the total, and Danny handed her the cash. Something hit him, and Danny blinked. "You know, you're the first person to not say something about me doing this." The cashier gave a breathless chuckle as she handed him his change.

"You're far from the weirdest thing I've seen this shift alone," she told him. "But ignore the other dude. He's just being a pissbaby because he doesn't have a girlfriend to go buy tampons for." Danny snorted in amusement. "Tell the Mrs. Phantom I said hello."

"Will do," Danny replied. He grabbed the plastic bag of tampons and chocolate, tossing the receipt inside. He didn't bother walking out the door, but instead seized the chance to turn invisible and fly far, far away.

123456789

"You're such a dingus!" Sam's voice scowled through the bathroom door. Danny sighed from where he laid on the bed.

"I'm sorry, it's just, embarrassing," he tried to justify his weird decision. A few moments later, Sam came out of the bathroom. She looked miserable, and Danny offered up the candy bar he got her. She accepted it, immediately tearing off the wrapper.

"No. I mean, yeah. That was stupid. But you got the wrong box," she told him. Danny's eyes widened in horror.

"So do I-"

"Yeah, you need to go back." Sam took a bite of the chocolate bar.

"...Fuck."

[thetaekswoon]

VIXX Leo| Zombie Apocalypse AU

So I was struck with sudden inspiration to write this out of nowhere, so I just did?  I don’t know, hope you enjoy!!!

Leo isn’t really sure what to think when he first hears about the outbreak on the news, he doesn’t rush to stores like most people, he has enough in his apartment to keep him alive for a while.

he is very calm about the situation because it is contained in another country until a few days later all service goes out and the outbreak has spread all across the globe.

Leo hides out in his apartment for as long as he can, around two weeks, and survives by continuing to do domestic things like reading and watering the plants

Very strict with his rules and refuses to let any of the other survivors into the apartment, even goes so far as to nail a plank of wood across the door

Though before long Leo is starting to run out of food, and he isn’t stupid, he knew that he couldn’t stay there for much longer.

Leo only packed his absolute necessities into his travel backpack, his remaining food, a few clothes, shoe inserts, toothpaste and his toothbrush, kitchen knives, razor blades, anything sharp, etc.

His plan was to sneak around and hopefully stumble upon more food and supplies and return to his apartment,

this worked for a few days and Leo was able to skirt around all the zombies, however they caught onto him and started surrounding his apartment building,

He abandoned his apartment for good three weeks into the apocalypse.

Leo quickly learns how to run away from the zombies, but also how to fight them,

, honestly at first the only reason why he was able to win fights was because of his size and strength, but over time he quickly learned their weaknesses and how to properly wield a knife

looks so cool fighting tbh, he gets really mad and frustrated so he might scream and kick the body a few times even after he knows that it’s dead.

Leo wears this red flannel and jeans, and has this fleecy black hoodie that have practically grown on him, he doesn’t remember the last time he changed his clothes... or bathed and washed his hair.

Even though it’s the freaking ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE if Leo sees a plastic bag flying through the air or little bits of garbage laying around, he will literally pick it up and put it in the trash, like yeah the dead are alive and eating brains but gotta protect those sea turtles!

Likes spending the night inside old restaurants and stores,,, when he can’t sleep he’ll flip through the menus to see what they served and his stomach will rumble.

speaking of those restaurants, Leo has occasionally slept in convenience stores and found pistols and ammo behind the counter, so know he has better weapons to work with

, has surprisingly good aim and can kill a zombie almost thirty feet away with one shot.

Leo has only encountered other survivors handfuls of times and it seems like most of the population has turned into zombies, but even when they offer him safety in the group he refuses because he doesn’t want to be responsible for anything besides himself.

doesn’t always mind being alone, though of course being alone makes him even more lonely from time to time

when he feels like this Leo tries his best to keep himself sane, and though he will never admit it he has cried to himself on several occasions when he thought of his family

One of the ways he keeps himself going is telling himself that they are alive and well making it on their own

Prefers eating canned fruits like peaches and pears and is still really picky with his food

tbh Leo is really crafty too, like he knows that it is impossible for him to kill all the zombies but if he could make a trap and kill maybe five or ten, those numbers add up

MAKES A LOT OF BOMBS,

And that is kind of how he finds you...

You are a college senior when the outbreak begins and almost instantly your campus becomes a death trap

You barely have any time to pack anything for yourself before you nearly get bit,

and so far you have managed to survive mainly by staying out of sight and locking yourself into basements and pantries because you have no real weapons and no weapon skills

And you think that maybe this system will continue working for you when all of a sudden... you start getting cramps and you’re like omg no no no this can’t be happening but of course it is and you can’t help that SHE’S BACK

you thought that maybe since you have been eating less and with all the stress of the last few weeks that maybe your period wouldn’t come this times, but you were wrong,

and you needed tampons,

So that’s how you quietly sneak into an old pharmacy to steal some tampons, and there is only one box left and it’s crumpled and stepped on, but it doesn’t even matter because you can finally breathe,

, but just as you are about to reach for it another hand goes to reach for it as well, and this hand is well... um, larger and definitely masculine.

And there’s Leo staring at you hard, if it the situation was different he would have absolutely let you take them, but this was the survival of the fittest and he wouldn’t risk himself for you, no offense.

but you’re just like, “Hey stranger, I need those.” and he just is quiet and stares and looks angry and eventually he’s like, “Well, so do I...”

“BUT I need them for their intended purpose!”

“AND I NEED THEM to make things explode!” And clearly he’s struggling because he really needs to make new bombs and tampons are the best things he’s found that absorb the alcohol.

“Why can’t you just use pads?  There are still a few boxes left on that shelf.” He points and you’re just like um.... “NO, I CAN’T BE WEARING A PAD WHILE RUNNING FROM FREAKING ZOMBIES LIKE SORRY BUT THAT JUST DOESN’T WORK BUDDY”

“... also those are scented and they cause infections sometimes... just please” before, you would never have begged for something like this, but things change and you’re desperate.

For some reason Leo gives in and hands the box over reluctantly, and you are about to thank him when all of a sudden he freezes,

“GET DOWN” he shouts and you barely have time to react when Leo pulls a gun from out of his jeans and shoots straight in front of him... the gun level to where your head just was.

You hear a body collapse onto the floor and you turn around to see bits of zombie brain splattered across the aisle.

“holy shit dude” you say even though your ears are ringing, and you try to stand up but just stumble right back down,

The stranger catches you and helps you sit up,

“you’re ear is bleeding,” he says, and you raise your fingers up to feel and when you bring them back they’re covered in blood, “Looks like I grazed the top of your ear, sorry.”

He is so embarrassed,

Thankfully you two are inside a pharmacy and he manages to find enough supplies to fix your wound, and his hands are so delicate when he is tending to you,

like his hands are calloused but still so soft, and he clearly hasn’t showered (not that you can blame him you haven’t showered since you left campus) and he doesn’t smell bad you know?  

And after that you kind of follow him along and he puts up a fight for a few hours saying that he prefers to be alone and that it’s nothing personal, but you don’t leave and are able to keep up with his quick movements, so when you finally prove that you can handle your own he doesn’t try to get you to leave him alone anymore.

Leo doesn’t talk much, so it is up to you for the most part to create conversation and even then it’s one-sided, but Leo is a really good listener

You are quick to open up to him so you spill all of your secrets and gossip about all of your friends from college, and you pretend like everything is normal when in reality those friends were probably one of the zombies that you guys were running from that morning...

Over time Leo’s hair goes much longer and he starts putting it in a ponytail (like it’s not that long and there's only like an inch of hair after the hair tie, but he just looks so uhhhhhhhhhh)

he also grows a little chin hair, but you didn’t hear that from me...

and he looks so manly like that with his hair tied up and his red flannel and jeans... kinda lumberjacky but at the same time more of a murdery lumberjack look since his clothes are splattered with blood here and there.

Leo is super possessive if you didn’t catch that before, and over time he starts to become even more possessive of you,

like if you two encounter a zombie or two he will immediately jump in front to try and protect you,

Once he is nearly bitten and you have to kick him out of the way to finish the job yourself.

,and you notice this but don’t ever bring it up because you find it really sweet that he wants to protect you,

Sometimes it worries you how close you are getting to Leo, like neither of you two are trying to be optimistic about this situation, you guys know that you won’t be able to survive like this forever and it could be any day now, every second of every day you are in danger.

You can’t think of surviving the rest of the apocalypse alone.

Together you two make traps for the zombies and bomb the hell out of them.  It’s more fun than you’d expect it to be, but then again your standards of fun have been minimized to anything that distracts you from the present.

One day you and Leo are scouting this house and you find this super old bottle of whiskey, so you are obviously thinking that you’ll be using it to make more bombs,

, but then Leo is like wait, no, that’s too expensive of a drink to just waste on exploding the undead, we need to savor this one.

So you and Leo sit on the rooftop and stare at the sky while drinking this ancient whiskey, and for some reason you keep looking over at Leo and watch the shape of his jaw, the lines of his eyes and mouth and throat as he takes another sip of the alcohol.

and maybe it’s the whiskey or maybe something more, but you see Leo different now, like you always saw that he was attractive, but you never HAD feelings... until maybe now.

Leo notices you glancing at him, but stays quiet, and takes his turns watching you.

You hiccup and he laughs, and it is almost like you can forget the danger around you for a moment.

You guys fall asleep wrapped in each other because the wind picked up and it got cold, and for the first time in awhile you actually feel rested.

Sometimes when you are walking between alleys and the such you will hold each other’s hand while Leo keeps the other on the hidden gun.

And you can’t help your growing feelings for Leo, he’s your rock, your outlet, he’s so considerate and kind, and tbh the only other person you’ve seen in a long time who hasn’t tried to eat you.

But at the same time you feel a little awkward about it, I mean he is almost five years older than you, and though in reality five years is nothing, when you’re young it feels like a lot because he has experienced so much more than you...

and you’ve never found yourself being attracted to older guys like some of your friends, not that Leo is old he’s just... older than you.

One day when you are walking around, talking, you mention how you used to have a dog growing up and then both of you get really sad because you haven’t really seen any pets since the outbreak began and though you haven’t seen any zombie cats or dogs around, you can still assume why.

most animals besides the rats and birds have disappeared.

tbh you had never really considered that your feelings about Leo, well he may have the same towards you...

That is until you guys manage to find what must be the one working shower in the entire city and Leo’s really quietly like, “Um hey y/n?”

and you’re like “what’s up?”

“I’m going into the shower and I know you are going to shower after me, but... I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” and then a whisper, “I think you should shower now.”

And you’re thinking yeah that makes sense we don’t know how long the water will last.... “but wait I thought you were going to shower now?”

“I am.”

oh OH, he’s blushing a thousand shades of pink

The shower is small, barely able to fit one person let alone two.

Leo is polite, he doesn’t stare though he desperately wants to, and keeps his hands to himself for the most part.

His shoulders and arms look even better underneath his clothes, and he’s thin from the little food you’ve eaten this week but still incredibly muscular, 

, he looks like he could crack a person’s skull in his hands.

speaking of those hands, they’re so delicate lathering the little bit of soap in between your shoulder blades over the places you can’t reach.

Leo is so tall that he needs to duck his head to put it under the stream of water.

nothing happens in that shower.  Just two partners washing themselves, quietly.

But of course it changes things...

when it is time to sleep Leo will pull you up against his chest, into his jacket for warmth, and he can rest his chin atop your head.

He talks more, opens up about his family and what his life used to be.

Before you go to sleep you run your fingers over his face, chin, eyes and brows, cheekbones, his lips...

Leo teaches you how to shoot a gun properly, how to hold the weapon and steady it in a moment’s eye.

You kiss... sometimes.

Sometimes you do more...

You both start to cry the first time you see a dog.  You had begun to think that they were all gone, but seeing one alive, skinny with protruding bones, but alive nonetheless, made you both so emotional cause like DOGS

The dog ends up running away scared that you guys are probably zombies, but you don’t hold yourself to that.

Now that you are together Leo is even more possessive of you than before and never likes leaving you alone.

Leo shows you how to make the tampon bomb that brought you together, and then you use it to blow up a bank because why the hell not.

Though life totally seems bleak because you know... apocalypse... you and Leo are making it through, and it’s working well enough for you.

Really hope everyone who read this really enjoyed it!  There were probably many mistakes in there because I felt too lazy to edit, but yeah hope all of you have a great rest of the day/evening!

<><> do not edit/remove anything from the original post <><> this AU belongs to me <><>

[joronomo]

Is Your Child a Poser? Learn the Four Major Warning Signs

New Post has been published on https://joronomo.com/is-your-child-a-poser-learn-the-four-major-warning-signs/

Is Your Child a Poser? Learn the Four Major Warning Signs

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It goes without saying: no one wants to raise a poser. Imagine having to tell everyone on your Christmas card list that Eriickka cried when she got her ears pierced and thinks Good Charlotte basically invented punk.

It’s impossible for a parent, especially one who’s working full time, to monitor a child’s behavior 24/7—nor should you attempt to. Overbearing parents are the #3 cause of poser conversion. However, you should remain vigilant to certain signs so this epidemic doesn’t affect your family’s welfare.

1. Dumbass Aesthetic Choices

The most obvious sign is your child’s changing wardrobe. One day they have no issues wearing Kohl’s sale items or whatever hand-me-downs were salvageable, the next they’ll only don fingerless gloves and the tackiest novelty tees imaginable. They draw on themselves with a Sharpie but don’t have the guts to get inked – or find a tattoo artist willing to work on a minor.

Undoubtedly the biggest red flag in this scenario is your child becoming a frequent Hot Topic customer. The occasional purchase is nothing to worry about—who among us didn’t dabble?—but regular visits signal a serious problem. Take them to an Army Navy surplus store or the dumpster behind a local retailer. From there, let them pick out whatever they want. Any studded belts they didn’t steal or make themselves should soon disappear.

2. Shitty Music Taste

This sign is a crucial yet controversial one. Taste is subjective and we all have guilty sonic pleasures. Nevertheless, music is the #1 indicator that your child might be backsliding into poserdom.

So what kinds of music deserve closest monitoring?

First, terrible pop punk bands like Simple Plan, the aforementioned Good Charlotte, and 5 Seconds of Summer. It’s important to distinguish between such slop and REAL pop punk, like Descendants, NOFX, and Dookie-era Green Day. Nu metal is also tricky, as amidst the strained screaming and dissonant, sludge-like riffs are actual songs. A good rule of thumb: if your child attends concerts in which they scream about hating their parents after you:

Bought them tickets

Transported them to the venue

Chaperoned them at said venue

…then you’ve got trouble.

Increased exposure to classic punk rock should suffice, so fire up London Calling on vinyl and prepare to explain what a “pork pie hat” is.

3. Half-Hearted Experimentation with Substances

The more hardcore poser-types might chug Robitussin and trip in their bedrooms. Or perhaps take four aspirin after being disciplined and claim a suicide attempt. But most behaviors in this category are typical of adolescents curious about substances: raiding the liquor cabinet and puking, smoking weed improperly and getting “super high” due to the placebo effect, snorting nutmeg because they’re dumb enough to reenact Dateline reports – despite the phrasing, these scenarios are positive.

Braiyden’s reticence to do hard drugs renders him forever exiled to Poser City, but you can relax knowing he won’t develop a chemical dependency—or fatally overdose. It’s hard to brag about a dead kid when it was your responsibility to keep him breathing.

4. A Façade That Crumbles When Challenged

We’ve arrived at the most viscerally irritating sign: a hard exterior that’s completely undermined by a soft, overly emotional center. From Iggy Pop cutting his chest with glass to Donita Sparks flinging her used tampon at a restless audience, your child has many icons of punk attitude to emulate. But without any basis for this attitude, it manifests in lil’ bitch-ass ways, like changing the family computer’s home screen to goatse and replacing “I love you” with “Fuck off!” in their vocabulary.

Though annoying, such a persona crumbles when challenged. Your child will still cry after being grounded and hide their report cards from you. They’ll enlist older siblings to engage in physical fights on their behalf. In response, martial arts classes—where they’ll get their ass beat in an educational, useful way—should do the trick.

*  *  *

If your child consistently exhibits at least two of these behaviors, their punk credibility is in danger – or else, you’ve got a square kid on your hands (a subject for another article).

But all is not lost. Once detected, the onset of poserdom can be slowed or stopped altogether. Subject your child to peer harassment in a secure environment with at least one cool adult supervising. We’re talking low-key bullying that builds character, not full-on torment that inspires Lifetime movies. It’s best to not personally supervise as kids have trouble being truly kickass around their parents.

It’s painful to watch your child struggle, but blindly enabling a lack of coolness is irresponsible. Take every measure possible to protect your family from the humiliating poser lifestyle.

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