#you know the mental illness about a thing is bad when I start drawing fanart

[maxxifer]

me: hey remember that silly werewolf show that you liked when you a weird little teenager? y'know what'd be funny, if you rewatched-

*gets shot by the hyperfixation beam*

...ah damnit

[midwestemoismid]

Do you ever love a character so much you sorta steal your entire personality from them,,

<autism rant>

Cuz like I'm obsessed with Nicole from class of '09, if sorta stolen my whole humor from her, Which isn't really a good thing because shes kinda a piece of shit, the game revolves around her being a horrible person or trying to kill herself or something like that, I'm not like as mentally ill as her, but my humor has evolved to be similar to Nicole and ive sorta had this not care attitude. I've also been really jokingly mean to one of my best friends (he knows its a joke, thats our humor) but I accidentally did that to my little brother and felt SO bad lmao,, (he said something very obviously and I loudly go "yeah no fucking shit bitch" then started apologizing profusely) This other time I was playing blooket w/ that same friend and I did something that made him eat a fake burger and I went really loud "have this fucking burger you fat ass bitch" and hje just stared at me like wtf,, and the other person on the call (who I just met) was SHOCKED.

i'm not a bad person,, hes okay with me making those jokes btw

well im sorta a bad person but i'm working on that

i sorta hate having obsessions over character because i want to BE THEM. and it sucks even more when theyre a horrible person--and when theyre a girl,, cuz like i want to de-transition and become a terrible person and chane my name to Nicole WHAT THE FUCK WHY I DONT KNOW and like i had an alt acc on tiktok where i used she/her and named myself nicole and it was like a class of 09 fanpage sorta. and like i dont wanna be a bad person nor do i wanna hurt people feelings or be addicted to drugs AT ALL but like NICOLE🙏🙏🙏

this always happens when i have some sort of obsession. i dont typically have favorites but when i do its like an obsession

and like one other problem with being obsessed with nicole is i accidentally obsess over mental illness and (stuff i shouldnt obsess over), wich is really bad and unhealthy.

I gain little obsessions over certain things, like right now im REALLY obsessed with a game called "bad parenting" and it's a really really sad game. I wont spoil it but its genuinelly depressing and made me cry. after i saw it i wanted to hug my dad and tell him i loved him for being a good dad. ive been listening to the backround song on repeat for a bit, i might even draw fanart of it idk,, but i feel like i shouldnt be hyper obsessed with it

as a kid i also was really obsessed with "salad fingers" wich had a sadish theme to it, i kinda forget the plot but i thought it was interesting and how the main charecter was kinda messed up.

I also really like "little miss fortune" wich was also really sad. again i dont remember the plot my childhood is sorta a blur and i dont remember it well

"Sally face" is another sad game i liked. not gonna spoilt it but i loved the supernatural bit and there was a lot of death.

I also really love horror movies, ESPECIALLY horror movies that go into psychology. Like for example, saw is pretty interesting because its cool to see if people would rather cut of an arm or die. I know it's fake but it's still really cool.

Theres a lot i find interesting but i dont wanna sound like im actually insane lol

This ran went in so many placed i forgot what the original post was about😭 took me abt 2 and 1/2 class period to wright

If you read this all, thanks! If you relate reblog or comment (or make a new post and tag me) and tell me what charecter you relate to/obsess over

[parasitefun]

How do you do it?

Do you have plot armor?

in a sense, yeah, i have a lot of weird life circumstances that i haven't really seen other people talk about very often, and i have the decision making capabilities of a trailer park boys character, so my whole life has just been about trying to stack as many advantages as i can to balance out the setbacks.

very short answer: shoplift and apply for government assistance whenever possible (AND NEVER SAY YOU SHARE YOUR FOOD/EAT WITH OTHER PEOPLE OR THEY WILL DENY YOU FOOD STAMPS, also hrt is often covered by medicaid)

further context under cut, because i'm a lil self conscious to talk about myself in depth lol

both severely neglected by and obsessed over by my mom, grew up in unpleasant environment due to hoarding>supremely sensitive and dissociative, very attuned to other peoples' feelings (sometimes)

left in front of tv and books and unrestricted internet use (when i had access to these things)>get really into art and language and develop a strong mental catalogue of concepts and preferences

dropped out of hs and became a shut in>focus all my energy on writing fanfic/drawing fanart and eventually meet osman thru the hotline miami fandom

can only connect with crazy people>form bond so intensely with osman that he flees from his abusive family to live with me and my mom after knowing me for less than a year, we become inseparable and help each other learn how badly we were fucked up by our childhoods/societal lack of support for abuse victims

no ged so i have to take manual labor jobs to get us away from my mom>bodily dissociation and crazy work ethic make me a fairly competent worker drone

my mom actively demands i buy her shit and fucks up my credit score and fucked up my general life prospects>other family feels bad and helps us out in emergencies (not anymore now that mom has taken so much)

get injured a bunch/be malnourished and dehydrated/develop illnesses>have to take health seriously and work thru my dissociation so i can take care of myself because i have no other option

develop weed dependency to deal with issues>smoking weed is very cool

work shit jobs with disenfranchised people>gain a sense of dignity and respect for everyone at the bottom of the food chain, stop being self deprecating and work on liking myself because the world already looks down on me and treats me like an idiot so i'm not gonna just agree

shitty attitude towards myself makes me have a shitty attitude in my relationship, i struggle with being osman's caretaker so so badly and lose YEARS to being severely miserable and trying to shoulder my problems on my own>osman telling me directly how badly i was doing forces me to start dismantling my internal self harm mechanisms and i am able to be in the moment and take things as they are for like the first time ever this year

have no idea where i'm going in life>go all over and learn the hard way how i'm supposed to act

[jiangwanyeehaw]

What's the origin of your blog's title? It's Jiang Wanyin (a character from MDZS) and Yeehaw merged together.

Favorite Fandoms: Angel Sanctuary, Berserk, Heaven Official's Blessing and The Silmarillion

OTP(s) + shipname: Rosiel/Katan, Griffith/Guts – Griffguts, Hua Cheng/Xie Lian – Hualian, Mairon/Melkor – Angbang, Maedhros/Fingon – Russingon

Favorite color: Pastel Pink and Pastel Blue

Favorite game: Pokemon games, Uncharted 4, Detroit Become Human and Assassin's Creed Revelations

Song stuck in your head: Baz Mano Kashti by Morteza (singer from Iran)

Weirdest habit/trait? I have very strict routines I need to stick to in order to be happy about my day. Also just my fixations. Incapable of holding normal conversations when I can also talk about some Book or show. I have color palettes for my life (pastels or just black). I mostly wear things people would consider costumey.

Hobbies: Writing, Reading, CONSUMING STORIES IN GENERAL, cosplaying, sewing, drawing, working out, learning about faeries and elves (irl and in stories)

If you work, what's your profession? I don't work yet but I want to study art history and history in general.

If you could have any job you wish what would it be? I‘d love to just be an author since I started writing pretty much after I'd learned the alphabet

Something you're good at: Being creative, writing stories and making characters, taking care of my mental illness which I am super proud of, looking like a girl

Something you're bad at: I have dyscalculia and am in fact so bad at math I can't really understand the concept of most numbers other than your regular 12345 ... I am also really bad at normal, neurotypical interactions. I learned small talk like three years ago. Actually being a girl

Something you excel at: writing and creating characters

Something you love: my fiancee, my friends, my family, fandoms, books, shows etc, fashion, color palettes and aesthetics, Sanrio

Something you could talk about for hours without off the cuff: my story, mainly my ocs because they mean so much to me, the silm, especially the Noldor and Angband, Berserk, WHY HUALIAN ARE THE BEST COUPLE IN THE HISTORY OF COUPLES AND EVERYONE SHOULD READ TGCF

Something you hate: Arrogance, bullying, people who always need to be right, emotional blackmail, fandom/character antis and hate

Something you collect: Merch, Clothes, Books, Decor

Something you forget: breathing. for real. It sucks lol

What's your love language? Verbally expressing my love, telling people about my interests, gifts, cuddling

Favorite movie/show: Mean Girls, Gilmore Girls, Berserk Movies, Heaven Official's Blessing and The Untamed

Favorite food: Chicken Biryani

Favorite animal: Axolotls and Penguins

Are you musical? Only by intuition, I was never taught anything about music except in school and that I forgot about pretty quick. I do sing okay apparently.

What were you like as a child? Shy but lively once you got to know me.

Favorite subject at school? English, Biology and Art (only in the OBERSTUFE tho because then we also talked about techniques and famous artists)

Least favorite subject? PE and Math. For obvious reasons.

What's your best character trait? I am an empath so I get most people's issues and I can listen quite well

What's your worst character trait? I have difficulty trusting people's good intentions

If you could change any detail of your day right now what would it be? I would be male.

If you could travel in time who would you like to meet? Mohammed pbuh and Oscar Wilde

Recommend one of your favorite fanfics (spread the love!):

Shen Yuan of no Relation (Shen Yuan/Luo Binghe from SVSSS)

Sauron's Diary (Angbang, The Silmarillion)

Till our Compass stands still (Hualian, TGCF)

Last but not least, show your favorite fanart of your favorite character(s) (please remember to credit/add links!):

Tar Mairon by awawawwa0

Maedhros and Fingon by busymagpie

Hua Cheng by roremy

Pretty much all of mimimar's hualian

tagging anyone who wants to do this <3

Get to know your Mutuals

Hiiii 💞 since I've found so many new lovely mutuals here I've created a little tag game (which as been around for ages) ^///^

This kinda got out of control... uh-oh.

Indulge me, will you? 🤗

What's the origin of your blog's title? It's a quote by Oscar Wilde :D

Favorite Fandoms: Dragon Age, The Silmarillion/The Lord of the Rings,

OTP(s) + shipname: Fenrisxm!Hawke (fenhawke) Melkor x Mairon (angbang) Thor x Loki (thorki)

Favorite color: Purple, purple and purple!

Favorite game: Dragon Age and Fatal Frame x3

Song stuck in your head: Elrond's council (but it's a musical) XDDD by Elf Tale Films on Youtube 😆

Weirdest habit/trait? Oh gosh, I'm made out of NOTHING but weird traits... but I guess the weirdest is that I must correct every spelling/grammar mistake I hear/read in both English and German? (I happen to write maaany typos on my phone so that's really exhausting!) Or that I explain maths even to the most reluctant and math-hating people without their permission and despite their explicit orders to "stop right now!!!"?! Or that I run in gallopping archs like a (crazy) horse around my apartment when writing? Or.... 😭

Hobbies: Writing, belly dancing and playing the violin. Very inexpertly so.

If you work, what's your profession? I wanted to become a professional torturer but my parents said no, so I chose the next best thing and became a teacher.

If you could have any job you wish what would it be? A teacher. (I'm pathetic.) I'd teach Math, English and German literature. (Which I do.) And physics. (Which I don't.)

So sad. Also, living the dreeeeam!!! 🎸🎸🎸

Something you're good at: Losing at MarioKart, being notoriously unpunctual and math. Also, I can read really fast xP

Something you're bad at: Remembering things... or names... or appointments... or anything. Also, sharing or talking about my writing.

Something you excel at: Creating chaos and overworry about my writing. Or anything else, really. Also, I'm a REALLY fast reader! 😜🤪😝

Something you love: Literature, books, my students, my family, my cat, and books and literature! 📚💗

Something you could talk about for hours without off the cuff: Literature/books, Dragon Age, my students, my original novel (with many pauses inbetween since, like I said, I'm also bad at talking about my own writing)

Something you hate: Arrogancy, bullying and olives. Oh, and strawberries.

Something you collect: Books and blunders.

Something you forget: Everything. Except my own name. At least I hope so.

What's your love language? Terrible, ironic, biting sarcasm. And movie/literature quotes.

Favorite movie/show: Alien by Ridley Scott <3

Favorite food: Pizza, ramen and pasta of all kinds x3

Favorite animal: Horses and leopards, roarrr! 🐎🐆

Are you musical? I do play the violin and sing. Having said that, I should add that I'm not very musical, after all...

What were you like as a child? Both shy and bold AND an insufferable know-it-all! 😏

Favorite subject at school? Maths <3 (you may hate me, now)

Least favorite subject? Geography, religious education and PE

What's your best character trait? Er, I'm a good friend in need (at least I think so XD)

What's your worst character trait? Perfectionism??? Oh wait, I think I can express this in a more refined way, let me try that again...

If you could change any detail of your day right now what would it be? If I'd be in charge, you'd be all fucking freezing to death while I frolick happily in the snow and bring another brain concussion upon myself by my clumsy ice-skating skills! Winter would be SO fucking cold and SO magnificent you'd all hate me for it!!! ❄️☃️🥶

If you could travel in time who would you like to meet? Wolfgang Goethe (yes, I omitted the "von", in your face, dude!) and Agatha Christie x3

Recommend one of your favorite fanfics (spread the love!):

In Absentia by AwkwardAnnie (Angbang)

Lunch in Thedas by Kaerwrites (Fenhawke)

Kiss Me Hard Before You Go by TheAngryKimchi (Thorki)

Last but not least, show your favorite fanart of your favorite character(s) (please remember to credit/add links!):

(sorry for the flood!)

Mairon by Krabat

Melkor and Mairon by Krabat

Fenris by raviollies

Fenhawke by Marikdraw (original link does no longer exist ;_;)

✨Tagging @saintstars @gracefallingart @gauntletgirlie @melkor-did-nothing-wrong @sauron-kraut @althanair @privatebooth @just-an-elf-with-the-socks @trash-ainu @winds-of-zephyr416 @barbex @aidanthecryptid @teine-mallaichte @pinkfadespirit @spicywarl0ck @jiangwanyeehaw @booksinwinter @midnottart @maironscrotchlessbreeches @melkorwashere @melkors-defense-attorney @trash-ainuand @elronds-library @teine-mallaichte @thorkidorki @theangrykimchi and @glowing-blue-feathermage ✨

... and everyone else, of course, who feels like playing ❣️

As always, NO PRESSURE, just fun, my friends! <3

[legionofpotatoes]

I love your art, it is very detailed in a neat way. Was wondering how you got started making it as a source of income? How did you get your first paid work, I'd love some advice on how to get started, if that's ok

Thank you. Of course it's okay, although I doubt I have enough work experience in art to really delve into this. I only went full freelance this year, and had been juggling art as a side hobby until then. If you're still interested in my somewhat narrow perspective, and are okay with my long-winded rambles, I'll give it a shot:

So to answer your question fully, I'll describe how I started and move into personal advice and learnings later on. As a disclaimer, I am a white cishet dude in my late twenties with a moderate cocktail of mental illnesses, but overall I can pass for a functioning adult so a lot I have to say may come laced with privilege I cannot fully identify.

So uhh I began drawing in around 2012? I think? Maybe halfway through 2011? And I mostly made fanart for things I enjoyed and tried to branch out in communities that felt nourishing to my style and interests (I caught a bug for alt posters and enjoyed mainstream movies so I spent a long time on posterspy early on). There were a handful of opportunities that came from there but I could only accept a couple because of primary workplace commitments. Still, it showed that networking in a focused community was definitely a good place to start; I myself have huge trouble committing to social networks and really staying socially active, but I knew it was an essential ingredient in succeeding so I tried to make myself be involved in challenges and art support trains etc. as much as I could.

In parallel to all that I also ran a few third party online stores (redbubble, teepublic) for disposable income and would sometimes, if rarely, hit around $100-150 a month from those sources combined. It is a sort of thing that requires helper accounts on other social media sites to promote it on, because the stores themselves have a huge volume of content that translates into low organic discoverability. Obviously it was never gonna be the way towards financial independence through art, and with community projects being few and far between, I opened private commissions in around uhhh 2017 I think, focusing on offering a few styles I knew I could do well, and sometimes operating in individual fandoms (it was mostly a bioware thing to be frank). But I had to close them back down after a year or so, again because of work-life conflict and how badly it was burning me out. The reason I kept trying to monetize this hobby is because I honestly hated what I did for my main job and wanted to see a way out in some shape or form in the future.

And then in 2020 I had to quit my main job altogether because of *gestures at pandemic* and deal with a mental breakdown from all the wonderful things it did to us and me specifically. I took a short break and decided to give art a shot full-time, and that was around May this year. I was planning on opening up commissions again (and I still am), but a few sudden opportunities that fell in my lap moved that timetable down and now I'm grateful to even be doing something I am getting adequately paid for.

So, with that somewhat limited perspective, here's what I've learned that I'd tell myself if I was just starting out:

1. Being a fan of something can be a shortcut towards effective networking kickoffs. Which are important evidently. If you love something and enjoy making content for it, join communities, settle into a combination of social media websites that feel right for those interests + your body of work + your inner rhythm, and try to play to content discovery as much as your mental health allows you to. Like I said, I know that I myself am incredibly bad at self-motivating to talk to people, so I found that synergizing common interests into fanart - which I enjoyed making anyway - could be a way to give myself a gentle nudge forward and build those bridges leading to community activities, which then net experience and coverage. Sometimes even freelance projects from official avenues. Again; picking the right spaces for what you're after is key. Companies roam twitter, concept art recruiters scour artstation or linkedin etc, instagram can land you private commissions and collab opportunities, so on and so forth. Find your niche and try to kick up dust. However...

2. I do not believe that any social profile can replace a good portfolio. The thing that made an immediate difference to me this year was building a coherent, simple website with my best work front and center and a contact form on top. Every single opportunity I got came from that form (maybe via twitter or instagram initially, but always sealing the decision after going through the website), so I firmly believe that showcasing your skills and portfolio in a visually arresting and user-friendly way is a big priority. I had some reservations about tackling that task but fortunately I had help from a savvy life partner and we slapped it together via wordpress in less than a day. Twitter/whatever social media is prevalent in your target groups is definitely important to get the right eyes on your shit, yes, but those eyes will then look for a second stop where your work and rates are more clear and concise. Simplicity is key imo, I cannot overstate this. So make a cute, simple portfolio!

3. Your skills and rates will grow and change as you do. Let them. Over the years I built several lasting professional relationships from my obsession over mass effect and kept getting opportunities both from bioware and their partner companies, some small and some a bit bigger. A one-off job earlier this year opened an unexpected door to another much larger commitment, and then the work I did there brought some attention from small businesses looking for commercial commissions. These were all incredibly different projects in terms of scope and budget, and I've been tackling them all on a case-by-case basis and slowly coming into my own irt my needs, rates, and SOW thresholds. It is still a work in progress (and a LOT of literal work as well), and very much a thing I struggle with in publicly marketing, which is why I felt a tad underqualified to answer your question in the first place (obviously I did not let that stop me). But what it means for me now is that I am rapidly developing into whatever my "version" of a functioning freelance artist is, and when the conditions for that guy are met, I need to be able to confidently plant myself and operate from that space despite past precedents. Do not let anyone bully you into downpricing what you yourself perceive as legitimate products of personal growth and development. Speaking of which...

4. The shitty challenge of turning envy into inspiration, and paddling outside your comfort zones in full riot gear. it is hard, but realizing that being a miserable, self-hating artist in my early days got me nothing but more misery back was the first real step I took and what truly blew the hinges off. I was just not pleasant to be around, I would badmouth my work all the time, and it all somehow made sense in my broken mind because the validation I sought was purely external and the way I sought it was through eliciting sympathy via self-victimization (even when I made something objectively nice). It all led fucking nowhere. Except perhaps to my own narcissism that I one day managed to identify and start managing. So I started looking at things that made me seethe with envy and calmly deconstruct and figure out their inner workings instead, do studies, and find nuggets of inspiration or discover new ways to approach rendering or building up specific elements. It was an application of analytical diligence to what I wanted to be a purely emotional, esoteric workflow, but that I deep down knew wasn't. Art is a discipline and a skill, and maybe it isn't a straight line, but you gotta find some line to thread nevertheless. Being self-hating was almost an identity I had to break out of, and despite it still being like, 4-5% there? I realize its cause and effect on me, my work, and those around me, so it is with a conscious choice that I gently set it aside when I work and especially when I learn. It won't always stay quiet, but the effort is the difference. Your doors towards accepting true growth and venturing into uncharted territories, art styles, and networking will really open from there. But there's a huge caveat...

5. Toolsets, accessibility, privilege, and all the good things that enable artistic expression and profitability are not given equal to all. you might do all the mental work I mentioned to be ready to rock and roll and learn and draw your way out of anything, but digital art is a fucking money pit that asks almost too much at times. I don't got a good case study here but identifying and ensuring accessibility to the tools you need to do your best work is, like, super important. The ergonomics can improve as you make money and settle into the job, but the basics have to be made available to you. And some of that might not even be under your direct control. That can be anything from pen tablets to software subscriptions to opportunities in hiring sullied by sexism or what have you. You gotta navigate all that through careful networking and money/time management. I don't do a good job of devoting specific slices of time to work/study, and my primary clutch is iPad software which went from a good deal to a nightmare scenario over the years. So all I can say here is do what I didn't; network, invest in a PC/tablet, and pick a software you'll learn that won't burn a hole in your pocket.

6. Be nice to work with? This one is hard to articulate and has landed my own ass in hot water in my early years because of how socially inept I am, but nothing is more worthwhile than being.. like. a good person to work with. That can be anything like meeting deadlines, or sometimes missing them but eloquently articulating why, being generous in early stages, being communicable and not too wordy in your emails, having a good grasp on abstract artistic concepts and how to describe them in simple terms, having a clear, laid out framework of your working rates in commercial and non-commercial projects and sticking to those guns with grace, understanding when you need to say no and saying it well, the works. Just being nice. Sometimes that might mean going headstrong with something you believe in, or simmering down and sucking up to the big man, all relative and adaptive. Part and parcel of the service provision dance that we all have to do in order to make bank. Know your lines here, obviously, and don't like. work for nazis. or uh.. *shudders* exposure. but be nice and empathetic and communicable and word will travel eventually. Skill may be in abundance these days, but good people are most certainly not, and capitalism has a way of bubbling up scarcity. Grim, but uh, them's the breaks.

I know I'm ultimately telling you to like. Have a body of work, make a portfolio, grow, and network. But that's really how I see it for now. And being nice can be a cherry on top that sets you apart, along with the inherent irreplaceable voice of your artwork. I think I rambled on enough, but if there is something specific you need my help with, even if you want to come off anon and talk in private, please feel free.

[moonmeg]

Hello, sorry for bothering. I just wanna say that you're a great artist and all of you works inspire me. I'd been following you since your Hamilton fanarts, and it your art really improved for the past years. You really motivate me to keep draw.

But I'm sorry if I seem like I just want attention/ranting. I just really need to talk to someone (Yes I'm this desperate). This is kinda long so you don't have to read it all.

How do you overcome this stacks of homework and assessments of test? It's really hard to learn by yourself especially this pandemic. All this pressure make me feel so tired and why do they keep making questions that doesn't seemed to be needed in life situations. For example, Why school doesn't teach us how to cook, what are taxes, what do you do when someone gets injured and there is no one to ask for help, and especially social skills. Instead they just teach us about complicated stuff and they don't even bother to try teach us. They don't even try to make online meetings for classes.

I just currently turn 14 but I feel like 34.

Doesn't school know that students have life outside school? I'm so done, and then there's crappy teachers who doesn't even try to help us with our lessons.

I just want all students to be kids. I want us to have more time to be ourselves. But it seems like we're force to grow up fast. All this certain expectations are messed up.

I know teachers are underpaid and all but can't the government try add some raise on their salaries? Isn't education suppose to make us learn wheather we are fast or slow learners? Or that education is for everyone? Poor or rich, smart or dumb.

Conclussion : The School systems is garbarge and public school is hell.

Thanks for reading this rant even though it's long :))

Hey! I'm sure you are not the only one feeling this way. I don't know where you're from and can only compare to the German school system that is not all that great either.

The pandemic is draining students and young people. I can't say what it's like for younger teenagers that are in middle school/freshman level because I was 16 when the pandemic started and in the higher classes already.

[This turned out a very long answer oops]

Now I'm on my final year of high school. I have not had a normal junior or senior year. School has been closed and we were put into homeschooling for a few months, we've had a system of "changing class" - classes were divided into two groups (A and B) and A went to school one week, while B had homeschooling and the next week A stayed home any B went to school, many things gave been scratched from the curriculum and for the finals, entire exams were canceled and while in year 12 we had hope we'd have it easier than the seniors then, we too now have to fear our finals possibly getting postponed, our Abistreich (senior prank) being incredibly reduced, our Abiball (prom) not being able to be celebrated with family or be celebrated at all.

And teachers aren't helping with the homework they give. You barely have time for yourself and your health - be ot mental or physical or both. I've had bad series of mental health struggles this pandemic.

In defense of teachers though: it isn't easy for them right now either. They somehow have to teach students what is in the curriculum so that they pass the Abitur in the end and are educated after all. And that under regulations from the government. Teachers follow them too. I can imagine it is everything put easy for them either.

Students and young people feel helpless and left alone by the government, we feel drained of out joy and it's not surprising mental health issues and illnesses have skyrocketed... because students and young people are near to the only group that has followed every single regulation to stop the pandemic. We wear masks wherever we go, study in class with wide opened windows every 20 minutes at like 1°-7°C outside (with cold wind here by the coast) and masks, when they wanted us to do a test every second day we obliged, when we got green light for the vaccine we got it - I believe like 80-90% of my senior year is vaccinated and some are already getting in line to get the third one. When it was curfew and lockdown majority played along, when my classmate celebrated his birthday in July he had people show that they were tested negative or vaccinated. We did all that and keep doing all that because we are told to please do that in regard of people who are risk patients, who are unable to get vaccinated, in regard of saving people's lives. And in return we get... nothing.

We feel left alone because nobody really acknowledges it and we feel frustrated because adult fucking people are not getting the vaccine because "it was developed too fast", "i decide what I put in my body" (which is valid obviously but in Germany's current situation everything but helpful), ",the vaccine brings nothing" and the media not being all too helpful for whatever reason. German speaking countries are in the last places in Europe when it's about the vaccinated population. I believe that comes from the fact that compared to other European countries that had it bad Germany got off easy. The first two waves were handled alright, because the government acted quick and I got to hand that to the government. We had cases, but our health system was not in a shape like the Italian one was. The third wave came and the bs began rising. Now the fourth wave is putting our health system in trouble... hospital places especially intensive care are filling up with infected people that shouldn't even be there because they should've been vaccinated. Italy, Spain and Portugal, countries that experienced the the first two waves in catastrophic dimensions and have a pretty high vaccinated population now are doing alright. Just an example.

It's frustrating because we young people (and people who in general worked against the pandemic regardless of age) now have to live in reduced life styles AGAIN because of people refusing to get the vaccine. We can't any longer. Our tolerance and understanding is at its limit because we tolerated, accepted and tried to understand/understood those people for the last two years. We can't anymore. It feels meaningless because our situation in Germany has only gotten worse.

I'm not even trying to bash people that are afraid to get the vaccine and have their concerns. I'm also not a fan of an "Impfpflicht" (Compulsory vaccination) but right now it is simply the only measure that could get us out of this catastrophic situation. I'm not bashing people scared or afraid. I'm not bashing skeptical people. I'm bashing those that have the nerve here to compare the 2G regulations (2G -> geimpft (vaccinated) oder genesen (recovered)) to the events of the chase and discrimination after and against Jews in 1933-1945 Germany. Those who have the nerve to compare the systematic genocide against a group of people that is the world's most known and most horrible crime against humanity to regulations made to keep people save from a virus. Yes, unvaccinated people are like barely allowed anywhere with the 2G rule and I can understand it's a feeling similar to discrimination. But comparisons to the Holocaust are nothing but absolutely disrespectful to the millions of Jews murdered and the Jewish people nowadays still suffering from the events. Those people drawing the comparisons say "history repeats itself" "we've returned to the 1930s" and act like they care, like some white savior complex in defense of the Jews. Yet when the official Twitter of the Auschwitz memorial asks people to please stop comparing those things to each other they just

It's frustrating. It's draining. We are at our limit.

I totally understand how you feel. But we gotta be strong. We've made it this far.

[alfafilly]

New Year New Me

I want to make a small New Years Resolution this year aimed specifically towards my role in the Sly Cooper fandom. It’s gonna be kinda long and venty so warning!! 

As a bit of backstory, I haven’t been in a fandom/actively drawing fanart since like... 2012 maybe? Like in terms of drawing fanart for the same series routinely. I went through a really stupid phase where I thought fanart was a waste of time because I had been hounded over and over again by peers and those I looked up to that only ORIGINAL © DO NOT STEAL content mattered. I looked down on fanart and used every excuse to belittle fanartists. I dunno if this was also in part due to the last fandom I was in being extremely toxic (that being the Invader Zim fandom. Booooois them 2006-2008 deviantART IZ days were something else) and my college experience constantly telling me “fanart in your portfolio is stinky bad no do that” (which is hotly debated btw).

Anyway... jumping into the Sly Cooper fandom has been extremely positive for me and helping me shed a lot of that negative attitude. Dare I say there was character development?! And while, for the most part, Sly fandom isn’t that toxic, there are elements of it that have caused much chaotic negativity within me that I am hoping to get rid of.

Maybe it’s a result of my former opinions about fanart, but I have always felt a sense of inadequacy, or as if I NEED to make my place in the fandom for me to be relevant and to matter. I have vented about this in the past. My first fanart piece was a compilation of my interpretations of the cast, and it was well received, and everyone talked about how they wanted me to draw more characters, to see more designs, etc. Which is why I said I wanted to redesign ALL the cast because the people DEMANDED IT!! This could be my way of placing myself in the fandom!!! HELL YEAH!!!

But it didn’t make me... happy, I guess? I DO enjoy redesigning, but when I do it under my own terms, with no pressure. I think coming out of art school made me put on blinders and tell myself what I used to believe in: “If you’re going to waste your time on fanart, better make it good. You know, people can hire you if you show good fanart! These redesigns could get you a job in the industry! You gotta ONLY do work that will benefit your end goal and nothing else!!” 

This often made me feel extreme guilt when I started drawing more of my Arpeggio content, or my Arpeggio AUs because despite how much fun I was having, that little voice in the back of my head was saying “No!! Stop drawing that!! Draw stuff that everyone will care about besides just you!!! You’re not going to get anywhere with this!! Drawing sexy Arpeggio won’t get you a job in the industry KJSNJKGNSKNGKJNAJ!!!!”

This mentality also crafted some uhh... extremely negative competitive attitudes towards other artists in the fandom. Certain artists would piss me off every time they posted to the point I would have to block them to stop seeing their work just to prevent these feelings. There is a notable artist I won’t name, but they do Sly redesigns too. I was fine with them initially, but after they blatantly stole one of my designs without crediting me I was LIVID. I called them out and they did apologize and changed the design, but every time I saw their work from then on out I had this insane urge to “beat them”. It was a sick competitive game. I felt jaded they ripped my design and kept getting popular anyway. TBH it’s rather petty and I am trying not to harbor any ill will towards them because I don’t think they meant anything by it and the design was rather insignificant in the whole scheme of things. But I still have them blocked or muted everywhere because I am still struggling to ignore that great urge every time I see their designs to drop everything I’m doing and draw my own redesigns out of unhealthy spite.

And I’m only briefly going to go over the god damn Deceit of Thieves drama. Apparently they are still making it into a legit game? They have a Patreon apparently and are posting stuff about it? I found out about that and the same sort of fiery rage filled me. But this was much less personal. Sure, I had given a critique to them but I honestly wanted the game/story/whatever to flourish? After seeing their poor reactions and being attacked by their white knights, my taste towards them grew bitter and I think my fellow Sly fans having the same bitterness fueled me to flat out grow a hatred for them. That’s kind of awful? I never expected to want another member of the fandom to have their project fail. What kind of asshole am I for wanting that?? I don’t want that. I want them to learn from their mistakes and make something great. Not hold some ridiculous resentment. I can decide not to support them if I wanted, but wishing failure is a whole other horrible thing.

So realizing this I knew I needed to... change my perspective on how I see myself in the fandom and how I process my feelings towards it. I don’t want to be here to produce soulless portfolio worthy content. I don’t want to compete with other artists or wish them ill. I just want to draw some god damn fanart of a series I love and that makes me happy! 

I’m posting this here as a way to hold accountability to myself and be honest. I started drawing Sly stuff again in 2017 so it’s been an issue appearing on and off the last 4 years and that’s... sad. It needs to end! I appreciate everyone in the fandom who has supported me in my endeavors, as ridiculous as they are. I can’t believe drawing and writing about a dumb bird man and cat lady and throwing my stupid OCs into the fray for my favorite childhood game has made me learn so much about myself, my work, and gained me so many great peers and friends. I definitely don’t want to stop any time soon! And I apologize profusely if I ever hurt anyone in some way because I lost sight of that (or was just a dick for whatever reason).

Thanks for your support, and I hope 2021 will bring me loads more positivity into my content!! 

[the-river-person]

F.A.Q.

AO3 HERE

Who are you?: I am a person. I live in a boat that is on the river. I am The River Person. If you must, you can call me River. He/They is fine. 

Do I actually have enough followers to warrant a F.A.Q. Page?: No. But I’m doing it anyway cause I will forget.

Can I send you asks?: Sure. Here are the Guidelines.

When do you update?: I’m not great with schedules. Its whenever I feel like it. But I’ll try to be fairly regular.

Can I repost your story?: Um.. No. You may reblog it all you like. In fact, go wild. Reblog the whole story across Tumblr. Or the Ao3 link. I love that. Good. Do it. Reposting = Bad. Reblogging = VERY GOOD. Likes = *finger guns* to you too.

Do you like so and so ship? No Fontcest, Incest ships, or child ships. If you send me asks about things like that, or tag my work with it, I will block you. Go away. But I enjoy some of the Sans AU ships. Of course Alphys and Undyne. Maybe Errorink. Also something called Nicepants? Nothing NSFW. Idk. Ships aren’t really something I have much interest in.

Do you do writing requests?: Send in an Undertale related prompt and If I’m inspired enough I might write some small piece for it. Even if I can’t or don’t feel like writing that for some reason, well... asking won’t hurt.

What is Aeontale?: Its an Undertale AU and the first story of a series I’m working on. The world starts out pretty close to the Undertale world we know, and begins to diverge over time. You can read the full thing on my Ao3 account (see link above).

Can I draw Fanart of your story?: Sure! As long as you tag and credit me for the AU, don’t use any of the ships I warned against above, and keep it SFW... then knock yourself out. I’ll probably cry out of bewildered joy for fanart.

Can I make an AU based on Aeontale?: What? Like how Underfell was based on Undertale, then other Fell AUs were based on that? Mmmmm. Lets wait until I’ve finished the story first, okay?

Can I include your AU characters in MY fanfic story (Comic, etc)?: Currently only Mistral Sans is Community Shared. However there might be more characters in the future you can use.

Wanna do an Undertale Collab with me?: Dunno. Depends on the project. DM me and we’ll talk.

Do you have other AUs?: I have some ideas for them, yes. Also some plans for one shot stories and some other bits. But one thing at a time.

Do  your stories have Dark Themes?: Sometimes. I like Psychological Horror, some violence, emotional suffering, death, reflections on mortality and immortality, and whatever the trope would be for Gaster’s unfortunate accident with the falling into the Core thing.

What is the Rating of your blog?: There may be some minor swearing, perhaps blood and death as mentioned above, but no excessive gore. Trauma, and mentions of things such as depression and occasional mental illness. There will be some romance, as I feel it necessary to the narrative, but I’m not hugely into ships so it won’t be a main focus. There will be nothing NSFW (explicitly sexual) ever, though brief non-human and human nudity might be mentioned in passing as a matter of course.

Do you tag triggers? Will you tag this trigger for me?: On the occasion something big pops up, I’ll try to tag it accordingly. If you need me to add a tag, do not hesitate to send me an ask requesting it. 

My question isn’t on here?: Send me an ask. Fastest way to get things done. I don’t bite, promise.

Want to be friends?: I’ll gladly chat with you, providing all interactions remain pg. I’m quite the friendly Monster. But this is still the internet and I don’t actually know you, so I do still have to be careful. I probably won’t be sharing any personal info about myself. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, I just gotta be careful, you know? Thanks for understanding.

[thewanderingamalgamate]

Return of the Goopman!

[[Hey there everyone! I’m still alive and decided to give this another go. Missed the goopman and getting them into trouble. Of course I missed all of you blessed nerds as well. 

I know I burnt some bridges in a bad way prior to my departure, though I’m unaware of the complete extent of it. Regardless, if you’re uncomfortable seeing me again then please feel free to unfollow or block, I’ll understand.

So, theres been a few changes over here. *The obvious one being the name/url. I lost wanderandward to a squatter, didn’t want to make a fight out of it. Check it out if you like flowers though heh. All the links here should direct you to the proper pages under the new url, but if you find one that doesn’t please let me know. *Again, I fell out with some people, their characters and interactions with them were pretty important too. I’m not going to erase all that history, specifics will just be glossed over if they ever come up. *I made an aesthetics/personal blog over at @shareourwanderings. It should help reduce the clutter and minimize the chance of losing replies in my drafts. I’ll still reblog friends’ art, fanart, and commission posts here. *Made a few small tweaks and additions to the rules/about too and that’s about it.

I’ll leave what I’ve been up to in the past year under a readmore. 

Hope to reconnect with you folks (and make some new connections of course), without any unpleasantness.]]

The TL;DR version: Instead of wallowing in misery, self-pity, self-loathing etc. with this being my only escape, I’ve started the grueling process of unfucking myself and my life. 

There’s been a metric crapton of thinking, reevaluating, reading, realizing, and understanding happening on my end. Turns out fucking up horribly and getting called out on it can be a great impetus for personal growth if you let it. I haven’t miraculously changed and eliminated all that is wrong with me of course, from what I understand such a thing is pretty much impossible. Its an endless process of figuring out how and why you’re wrong, accepting it, and taking steps to be a little less wrong. And I’ve at least started that process.

I’ve confronted the reality of my mental illnesses. The anxiety and depression. How they’ve affected me, how they’ve manifested, the causes, how my behavior has been affected by it. And how I’m still responsible for my actions despite them. I haven’t been to a therapist yet, but its on the agenda and progress has been made towards it. I have been taking medication for them though, learning how to more actively recognize when I’m being affected and how. I’m getting a better grip on my mental faculties. You might not help how you feel, but how you react to it is always up to you. Sounds simple, but ‘simple’ has never excluded something from being hard to do. Been worth trying though.

I finally have prescription glasses. If anyone ever took a close look at my munday pics, my eyes never lined up properly in them. Untreated astigmatism+nearsighted that led to amblyopia. Corrective lenses, eye exercises tailored to the condition, drawing (mostly tracing from a book). Unfortunately I’m long past the age where the condition can be completely fixed, but progress can still be made. Keeping my fingers crossed for advancements in that field though.

I’ve been taking better care of my frail mortal form. Mostly by cramming a handful of supplements down my gullet and putting it through immense stress and pain. The human body is just weird like that. I can understand why others tell the depressed to get some exercise, its actually good advice just poorly worded/explained. But yeah, been exercising, watching my intake, trying that ‘healthy living’ myth people propagate. Those long infrequent walks I took roughly once a week? Twice a day now. I’ve gone swimming for the first time in about 5 or 6 years. Got access to a proper weight room too. I’ve concluded that bodybuilders are masochists. 

I have a new laptop. Fanfuckingtastic considering the old one could barely run discord, its screen is dead, fans dead, deskbound connected to a monitor, and liked to disconnect from the wifi when I most needed it. The new one might not be some $2k alienware powerhouse sure, but it opened a lot of damned doors. Like being able to write here without constant frustrating interruptions. 

I reconnected with my brother somewhat. Always considered him the more successful one and felt like a disappointment to him. We got past that. Just about every saturday since around january, I’ve been hanging out with him, until well past midnight, playing D&D with him and his friends. They’re all a bunch of shameless walking memes and its great. My brother is the DM, and so far my dragonborn sorc is the only group member that hasn’t be downed. Not for lack of trying. My anxious arse has been palling around, in person, with complete strangers, and I’m pretty happy about it heh. Probably going to put up summaries of our crimes adventure on shareourwanderings.

Between all that, I’ve been reading, poking at my backlog of games and shows. I’ve spent some time on Quora, picking up tips from published writers (Mercedes Lackey is surprisingly active over there), and of course checking out the mental health topics over there. The new laptop has made it easier to catch up on shows I’ve been wanting to watch. As in, I binge watched One Punch Man in a few nights, OVAs included. Mob Psycho is next on my list. Add in some new music, Sanderson stories, and the creative juices are flowing again.

I’m making progress. Life feels like its worth living, despite and even because of the fuckups. Its very likely I’m going to fuck up again eventually, hopefully in a less horrible manner. Just something I have to live with and continue to learn from.

[saniika]

As promised before this is a drama-free blog. Please do not read further, this is a personal announcement which is very much in the drama category. There will be no filter and lots of swear words. 

TLDR: I am not well, will be not active as usual and don’t know when Ill be back. Bunch of stuff is gone, it’s not just you imagining things. I wrote all this since I gotten asks which I hid away from.

I am not ok. For about a year I've gotten under lot of pressure, both mental and physical. Shortly before that I closed  very traumatic period in my life and even went of antidepressant. And then bam, the above happened, yoi came in the mix. Wow! Fantastic a coping mechanism, works so well. I am happy. Friends message me genuinely excited to see me happy. I listen to music, read, draw and it shows its full of love. A sanii-wonderland.

But... nothing lasts forever, right?

I entered this exhausted and rushed like a hound dog. I wanted validation, to matter and make some good for the world (I cant sadly cure ass politics, world hunger or happiness for LGBT...yeah.) So Ive set to put my services into promoting writers with fanarts to their fanfics - because hey they made me happy, what other way to show thanks? Drawing fanarts just to join the happy in the community. Talk in streams. And Im telling you the insomnia rushes where the brain was like squirrel on caffeine - those are really damn productive periods. With horrible consequences.

Months went by, sometimes I didnt feel good, panic attacks started to be present, nightmare drove me to the point of waking up in fright (I got scared I fell asleep). Other health related issues arose...twirling down the ground as they say.

I met some really nice people which I will not mentioned here as I dont want to pull them into my drama post (even if id say thanks), participated on incredible project. The more I got involved into the fandom and socials it got faster and before I knew it - I felt like im stuck on a rollercoaster, about to puke and the fucking ride doesn't stop.

Thoughts like these arose - I’m too old, I’m not fast enough, cant keep up this speed, why does this person has so much success, has so many friends etc. Bad bad toxic feelings - which I am happy I did not act upon, no one deserved these and it was all in me. Friends helped here since I admitted these to them and was quite surprised to hear many felt similar - burnout from the fandom, apps in general, life in the whole mix.

I thouhgt itll pass, focused on the writing which made me really excited and productive. I drew my whole life, its the best I can do - the other thing I can do best is - hating myself. So believe it or not that actually helped with yakov flamers - no one can hate myself more than me. Im a medalist at that. Back back to the track.

Physically speaking I sought out doctors and they didnt help me as I expected they would. I have to write and type a lot in IRL job and my chronic pain in hand turned into vicious icepick stabing pain in collarbone + completely sore numb right upper torso. It took me a week to be able to type on a phone without vincing.

And few days ago - I actually cant tell what day it was because I spend the whole weekend in bed and ate once. Never had such episode, so that was really... not fun - I had a meltdown and deleted bunch of things. So if you cant find them - they are not there. You will see my art rebloged here and there, but the original posts are gone. With each delete I felt lighter and had a good cry too.

It all came down to this - I felt cheap, taken for granted and all the initial thoughts of happy turned into realisation (with the help of friends) that I do expect things in return. Im not the type to play an attention whore and avoid posting complaints as pest. Yet here I am. Because -

Bit by bit I neglected breaks for bathroom for drawing. Didnt rest the hand when I was supposed to. Wrote feedback or comments for others when I was tired. Offered support on drunk/depressive/suicidal posts and offered support in chat even though I should have invested into selfcare. And it all snowballed to this - loosing love towards certain pairings, drawing itself. Aaaaand posting 2 pics after such a break brought me to breathing labored and wow, suddenly I am here - BAM - very not ok.

I left a bunch of places, set up things so that I speak with bare minimum of people. I have no idea what Ill do from now on, but I know its easier to just watch others and consume - or maybe even easier to watch as little as possible (let me be frank, I really don’t care who sticks a dick to whom’s ass - petty discourse about pairings and topping really sour me and - EAT VICTORS DICK, CHOKE ON IT - became my private favorite curse. Don’t get me started on self entitled critics on whats right to draw, write and ship.... FUCKING WILL YA - just do your thing, have fun, SHUT UP - make stuff that makes you happy if you don’t see it around or PAY others to do it. OR like support them, be NICE. Doesn’t hurt...promise.)

I flipped the switch, lost it grand and that’s it. I wont be putting restrictions on myself here saying I wont draw ever or this fandom - that’s not how it works. But right now? Ill be happy if I manage to deliver work on a project I don’t want to fall out of. I tried the appeal of sharing work privately to friends or to no one at all. Engaging on discords and DMs - so freeing to talk about stories and stuff without tumblr police. I just cant do this anymore - posting out there steals my breath and it fucking hurts.

I hope you enjoyed all I did, it all came from heart - that’s all. I know Ill sweat all nervous posting this, but YAKOV COURAGE WOLF tells me so. Better than listening to voices telling me to go shit at Wendy's bar.

Thanks for everything.

[xlerotl]

14-24!

14.) What do you like drawing the most?

girls........

15.) What do you like drawing the least?

i don’t really hate drawing things, maybe i get frustrated drawing smth new, but to be totally honest i get extremely embarrassed when i’m commissioned to draw nsfw content

16.) Do you draw more fanart or original art? If fanart, what fandom do you draw the most of?

i’m definitely doing a lot more original art atm, but mostly fanart overall! and i guess my fave and what i’m probably known for at this point would be fire emblem

17.) What would you absolutely refuse to draw?

there’s a lot of nasty things in this world! don’t wanna draw any of that

18.) What is your purpose for drawing?

i was too young to have a reason when i started, but when i hit about 10 or so, art became something i used to help cope with mental illness! i think even tho what i do now is mostly dA commissions, it’s still for coping in a way

19.) What medium/program do you use the most in your art?

pens and paper, then i scan and edit with photoshop, then i color with clip studio paint. why don’t i just do the lineart digitally? nobody knows

20.) How would you rank your art? (poor, mediocre, good, etc.)

i’m an ok artist! i feel like i’m doing something right at least, but ofc there’s plenty of room for improvement. 

21.) Do you believe there is such thing as “bad art?”

not in terms of “skill,” but bad art for sure exists when it comes to content. offensive and problematic stuff basically, and a lot of things fall under those umbrellas

22.) List at least one of your “artspirations.”

if you go to my dA, there’s a little box widget on my page where i post some people whose art i admire! not 100% sure why i keep a box for these people but i love their good arts

23.) What do you think you could stand to improve on?

definitely i need to work on my backgrounds! and also i could stand to work on drawing animals. basically anything that isn’t a person tbh

24.) Do you have a shameful art past? (recolour sprite comics, tracing art, etc.)

ohhhh my goodness.... honestly the least of my sins would be that i used to recolor sonic x screenshots as my own ocs. the worst would probably be the.... genderbend south park ask accounts

[legendofgrump]

awkwardarin replied to your post “awkwardarin replied to your post “4, 7, 10 you bet your ass I’m...”

*chanting* DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT

You ask, I deliver. Here we gooooo~ (Also I’m going to shame you all I want SO)

As per request, I’ll answer all the asks (that I haven’t already) from the fanfic questions post, but it’s under a read more so I don’t literally kill everyone’s dashes. I’m so sorry in advance

1. What was the first fandom you got involved in? I mean, before I even knew what “fandom” meant, I was writing Twilight fanfiction, so I guess that counts. The first one I actively participated in was the Grump one haha

2. What is your latest fandom? Ouran High School Host Club, but again, if you want active participation, then I guess uhhh Night in the Woods?

3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in? Definitely the Grump fandom!! I’ve met all the best people and 99% of my friends through this blog right here!

4. Answered

5. Which fandoms have your written fanfiction for? Uhh Twilight, Big Time Rush, Total Drama, Game Grumps, technically AntiPoppy but it’s not even close to done and not published

6. Answered

7. Answered

8. Answered

9. What are the best things about your current fandom? I mean, for this fandom, like I said, it’s got all my friends in it. Everyone’s super supportive and there’s tons of opportunities to get involved and create stuff and support other creators! It’s probably one of the nicest communities I’ve been a part of.

10. Answered

11. Who is your current OTP? Currently I’m still heavily thinking about Hikaru and Haruhi from Ouran Host Club so that I guess haha

12. Who is your current OT3? The all time babes are Rubbercommanderbang. Also Raven, Cyborg, and Beast Boy is a ship that @cantolopejeevas made me think about and I love

13. Any NoTPs? Refer to this massive post

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs? Hikaru and Kaoru from Ouran, The entirety of the Teen Titans, the monks in Xiaolin Showdown, etc

15. Is there an obscure ship which you love? A n t i P o p p y

16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike? I’m more or less indifferent toward Egobang if we’re gonna be real here. I just don’t feel like there’s anything I can add to it at this point.

17. Who was your first OTP and are they still your favourite? I mean, before I knew what that meant, probably RaiKim from Xiaolin Showdown. And they’re still great, but now I’m a little gayer.

18. What ship have you written the most about? Ironically? Probably Egobang. I wasn’t so cynical about it when I first started haha

19. Is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them? Refer to number 16

20. Any ships which you surprised yourself by liking? Hmm probably like Septibang? Or CommanderSeptiBang?? Those were two ships I just kinda stumbled upon and was like? Okay I guess we’re doing this now??

Also Mae and Selmers from Night in the Woods. Surprisingly wholesome.

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote? I think I mentioned this before, but it was self-insert Twilight fanfic. Honestly I wish I was just as shameless as I was in middle school. Writing Mary Sue self-insert fic where you ship yourself with a main character is fun and satisfying as hell.

22. Is there anything you regret writing? Aforementioned Twilight fanfiction. Though part of me doesn’t because it was my origin story and also, like I said, shameless and for fun.

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it. Ahh probably either “You Monster,” which is like my best stuff that I’ve put up so far??? or the massive Big Time Rush fanfic I talk so much about just for the sheer size of it :P

24. What fic do you desperately need to rewrite or edit? You Monster!!!! I’m gonna write a redux soon I promise.

25. What’s your most popular fanfic? ???? According to Archive, it’s You Monster! How nice~

26. Answered

27. Answered

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of? Literally anything??? I love all fanart of anything I make??? But I guess You Monster haha

29. Do you have a beta reader? Why/Why not? Hahaha no I don’t write enough to warrant having one. And also I literally almost never edit anything I write rip

30. Answered

31. Answered

32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you? Depends!! Sometimes music really confuses my brain and makes me unable to think of words, especially if it’s really word-heavy music (which is most of what I listen to). If I’m really struggling, it usually helps to do it in silence so I can focus. But otherwise, I used to make little playlists of instrumental music to listen to, or play premade playlists of like study music or something.

33. Do you write oneshots, multi-chapter fics or huuuuuge epics? I really like writing huuuuge epics/multi-chapters but I’m really bad at finishing things ;--; so most of what gets published are requested one-shots/ficlets (one of which was requested the other day and I’M STILL T R Y I N G I SWEAR)

34. What’s the word count on your longest fic? Oh buddy. It’s over 100K.

35. Do you write drabbles? If so, what do you normally write them about? Uh I guess? But I’m not particularly stuck to the “required word count” for the different vocab. I usually only write really short things when people request stuff haha. But it’s kinda fun~

36. What’s your favourite genre to write? Probably just straight angst. Angst that develops character, specifically, but angst nonetheless.

37. First person or third person - what do you write in and why? Third person. I used to write in first person and for some reason it always seems less?? effective/neat to me? Plus I write very colloquially and I find it easier to do when I can write in third person.

38. Do you use established canon characters or do you create OCs? Usually canon characters, but if it’s something like Total Drama that depends on constantly changing casts of characters, I’ve definitely made some of my own characters.

39. What is you greatest strength as a writer? Uhhh???? Uhhhh????? Does not compute????

40. What do you struggle the most with in your writing? Effectively capturing characters, at least that fit my own standards. And then also the anxiety that comes along with thinking its good enough to waste people’s time with. :’)

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading: I’m not...currently reading any...but I will link to five of my favs.

1. Before and After (Shaddic) --Total Drama (also tw for a lot of HEAVY mental illness/abuse/violence) 2. Wu Xing Shield (DragonNutt) -- Xiaolin Showdown (tw: death) 3. If Lost, Return to Phil (thatsmistertoyou) - Dan and Phil (I don’t remember, I just remember it being really fucking sad) 4. Two Roads Meet (pianodan) - Dan and Phil (tw: suicide) 5. The Vibe and The Vibe 2: 2Fuck2Vibrator (by our very own @cantolopejeevas) (tw: gratuitous smut ;) )

42. List and link to 5 fanfiction authors who are amazing: 1. @cantolopejeevas​ / @grumpygamersandvibrantcolors for obvious reasons. they’re just!!! so good!!! at all the types of writing. (hey go commission them) The Ultimate Senpai 2. @i-am-avacado oh boy they angst well! current holder of the angst crown (for nooooow~) honestly writing senpai 3. @devilgate-drive provides the Good Quality Rubbercommanderbang Content and also just generally talented 4. @sweetiefiend writes the cute shit!!! like damn!!!! 5. @autumn-feels so??? talented for her age??? and so deep wtf

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you? I mean, all of my friends for one. And my lovely darling @cantolopejeevas who continues to push me forward and compliments my work all the time. But yeah, all my friends make me wanna get better because they’re all so good and I wanna do that tooooo!!

44.  What ship do you feel needs more attention? AntiPoppy. Please.

45. What is your all time favourite fanfic? Fuckin’!!!! Wu Xing Shield, listed above!!! It’s the first fanfic I cried reading!!! And it’s so beautifully written!!! If you like Xiaolin Showdown, I recommend it. Plus, it also took stuff from Xiaolin Chronicles and made it bearable. Bless.

46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why? Ahhh You Monster. It’s probably my best one. Even though it needs heavy editing haha.

47. Archive Of Our Own, Fanfiction.net or Tumblr - where do you prefer to post and why? I mean....Fanfiction.net is where it all began, but I never posted anything on it. I think AO3 is the best for posting fics and keeping track of them. But more people usually see it if I post it on my tumblr. So a mixture of those two?

48. Do you leave reviews when you read fanfiction? Why/Why not? For the longest time I didn’t because I had major anxiety!!! I was too nervous to leave a comment, no matter what. Plus, I didn’t really make accounts on either ffn or ao3 so I couldn’t have if I wanted to. But now I like leaving tags and stuff on people’s works on tumblr and (if I read more fic) I would leave comments, just because I want people to know they’re doing good work!!

49. Do you care if people comment/reblog your writing? Why/why not? Yeah, I mean, of course! I love seeing comments on all my work, art, writing, or otherwise! It’s just nice to know that someone liked something I made, especially if it’s something I’m self-conscious about like I am with writing. And reblogs help spread it around so it can get more attention, so that’s always helpful!

50. Answered

51. Answered

I HOPE EVERYONE IS HAPPY ESPECIALLY YOU @awkwardarin

[mcalhenwrites]

I want to talk to people about FFXV in general, to bounce ideas and headcanons back and forth, inspiring other people and being inspired…and just having a blast. I have some personal preoccupations about jumping into the fandom, tho. It’s divided because of shitty things like ship wars (I’m sorry, I don’t fucking mind Lun/oct but stop being a fucking twat about how it’s canon*? I don’t care? My “they’re cute and the fanart is cute” feelings have recently changed to cautious indifference, and you might end up downgrading it to “get it the fuck away from me” if you keep being shitty to others in the fandom! Do I have to keep seeing comments on fics that ship anything else that it isn’t canon and it’s wrong to do anything else? Fuck off maybe.) and less shitty things that are reasonable, like people wanting to either have porn or not porn. I’m in-between, since I like both, so it feels weird like…I don’t know how to approach people without maybe stepping on toes? Right now, I know it’s a “me” issue, so the best I can do is brave posting my fics, even though I consider my fic to be less impressive than even some of my worst original, for reasons I guess I’ll sort of flesh out here? I never started with fic. I started with original writing. It took me until I was…20? To first start writing fanfiction, and even then, I seldom posted any. I go in and out of the desire. So FFXV has fueled something incredible in me, enough for me to overcome some of my hesitation about my interpretations of the characters as well as my fear that I was “tainting” the fandom. SOME. I’m not completely over that hurdle. Whereas with original, I’ve always felt that since they were my characters, I could do with them as I pleased to some extent. Plus I had my own world to work with. One of my favorite things about writing is making worlds and characters from scratch, so when I’m writing FFXV, I can’t exactly add in lesbian dragon gods or underwater cities with scarf magic. (For similar reasons, I can’t RP with people. It’s difficult for me to work with other people’s ideas in play. It isn’t that I haven’t tried, because I have several times over the years. I always end up dropping out.) I honestly thought that I wouldn’t write for this fandom, that I would sit back and read fics, only, and do my best to comment and support other writers. I still found myself pulling up docs to type out my ideas. Whoops? So if I find a fic I like, it’s important for me to try to leave comments if I can. I’m not kidding when I say I don’t always have the spoons for it. I have several health issues, both mental and physical alike, so it’s tough for me to always do it. Most of the time, I’ll let a fic sit in my tabs for days/weeks until I have energy to read and comment, ‘cos it sucks not being able to do something I know means so much to fellow writers. Anyway! Some of the reception to my fics has been super encouraging! I think the writing still shows how much I hold back, how scared I am, but I’m beginning to loosen up. It also depends on what kind of fic I’m writing, as it does with original as well—certain styles and emotions draw me out of my self-created shell better than others! Still, people seem to like it? Which scares the shit out of me a bit, but it also makes me incredibly happy. I don’t think I have words for how frightened I was to share fics with my kinks in them, but I did see a lot of people liking similar content so that helped me find some courage. Even if I did make myself physically ill and do a round of self-depreciation for good measure after every post of every chapter… I would love to talk to more people about it, even if I’m stupidly shy and maybe weird? I know I’m weird. There’s no getting around that. (Not weird as in what I like, but weird as in…maybe not exactly sociable? I sometimes worry I’m too pushy about my interactions with people, if that makes sense. I don’t mean to be, I’m just bad at people. I don’t mean to be. Sure, sometimes I can have a biting temper and it shows, but I’d like to think I’m open-minded and tolerant for the most part?

I’m not sure where this is all going. I know a few friends who’ve played the game, but I don’t think any of them sunk as deep into it as I managed to? Or maybe sunk into different corners, like having separate ships from me, or liking other characters? And one of my fave aspects of the game were the frightening additions, like daemons coming out of nowhere, the jarring movements of the MTs in chapter 13, and…I fucking hate pitioss as far as playing it, but that place was also amazingly frightening to me and I LOVED IT. But I know people who hate horror elements entirely. Which is understandable, I just love eerie stuff like that~ So yeah…and I really have some ships that I love for this one. I think the most obvious being Ign/oct, but Prom/ptio was my first so that’s dear to me as well? And I’m happy with general stuff, no pairings at all! So it’s a complicated thing, and I’m still sort of jamming myself into random corners of the fandom and probably am annoying people??? I hope I’m not, but who knows anymore…I have the worst esteem looool (another thing that I wish would go away, ‘cos that doesn’t exactly invite conversation either?) Anyway, I’ll shut up noooow (kind of, there’s a note at the end I added at the beginning of writing this fucking post) *spoiler: it’s not canon, because it was a political marriage and that one bit was deemed by SE as an alt ending, but I’m sure this now means I think the two hate each other and that they’re not happy being around one another, because apparently you can’t be overjoyed to see friends – it’s amazing how important childhood friends are kept friends if they’re two boys or two girls, but damn we can’t have that in hetero world \o/

[theperfectladiesman]

Saiyuki meme part 2

34) What character do you think is least like yourself?

~Probably Ukoku. I’m not a psychopath or sociopath looking to snuff out life and light. And he’s super cunning and manipulative. 

35) What is a shipping you’re not on board with? (Be respectful!)

~I pretty much ship nearly everything under the sun for the most part. Or can at least understand or respect a ship. I ship I wouldn’t really be on board with though would be Li Touten x Nataku. Or Dokugakuji’s mom x Doku/Gojyo. Just not my thing.

36 ) Which Saiyuki character do you think could easily adjust to modern times?

~I’d say nearly all the main cast. I think they’ve all been through so much & they’ve learned to get really good with adapting and rolling with the punches. But if I had to narrow it down, perhaps Goku. Followed closely by Gojyo. They seem the most easy going & quickly accepting & adaptable. Likewise, I think Kougaiji would be one of the ones who would struggle the most perhaps. 

37) What is your favorite quote?

~There’s A LOT of good ones. Seeing as I have the opposite of a photographic memory... I can’t remember what my fav would be. A really good, memorable one though is where Kou overcame Ukoku’s mind control & gave him the whole speech where he wont be controlled again & his friends helped him to the light. Idk, something to that effect. Maybe I’ll come back to this question later after I find the exact lines.

38) Do you binge read the entire series or read selected chapters?

~Usually when I binge read or binge watch, it’s from start to finish on the entire series. If I just want to research something or remember a specific thing, it’s selected chapters.

39) Are you more a fan of Gensomaden Saiyuki or Saiyuki Reload/Gunlock?

~With the anime, Gensomaden. With the manga, its definitely Reload. 

40) Your favorite character became a mythical beast. What would they be?

~This.... is a tough one. If I wanted to take the easy option, I’d say it would be Kougaiji and he’d totally be a dragon. Or if I wanted to be funny, saying Gojyo being a kappa. I could see Hakkai being the male form of a Dryad. But I think my favorite is Sanzo... and the only thing I can think of to liken him to is the Phoenix. Sanzo’s “like the sun” and Phoenix is a sun bird. Phoenix’s rise from the ashes and Sanzo got burned by Kou’s fire and still rose to his feet. 

41) If you HAD to choose a character to die, who would it be?

~Well, this doesn’t say -MAIN- character. I wish I could say Ukoku... that would spare everyone so much misery... but I like the psycho bastard. So...Gyokumen Koushu. Then maybe Kou would get his mom back & he could team up with Sanzo!

42) Would you rather: Have all characters die or Have only one survive

~The question is.... would it be like Goku? Have them forget & then be reunited with the reincarnations? On one hand, it would be nice to have one survive to carry on the memory of everyone who died. But....I feel like there’s something incredibly unfair & cruel about having only one survive... so I guess I’d rather them all die. 

43) If [character] got into a fight with [character] who would win?

~Lol its hard to do these ones when I’m just answering them myself. 

44) What does Gojyo’s marking look like to you?

~I answered this one already, basically, a tribal flame

45) If Sanzo became a demon, what kind of marking do you think he’d have?

~I kinda wanna say something like the youkai Suika. Something small & round on his forehead in place of the chakra. Or it would probably be somewhere more discrete like his back or upper arm, a red color instead of black...idk the shape/design.

46) If [character] died, what do you think they’d be reborn as?

~I think Zakuro would love to be reborn in the golden age (Elizabethanera) cuz that’s when theatre, music, poetry & literature flourished. Perhaps Kougaiji/Hazel in the Victorian age and Ukoku in the Edwardian era... I know that’s not what the questions asking, but it is interesting to think diff era’s you’d put them in. 

47) After the journey, what do you think [character] will be doing?

~Hmm... I’ll just stick with Gojyo for this one. Assuming he’s still alive after the journey. I think he’d stick with Hakkai. (grudingly)Helping out around the shop if Hakkai worked/owned a shop. I could see Gojyo maybe being a bar tender or an escort/host... or whatever those equivalents are in the Saiyuki era, or just keeps raking in money with his gambling while being domestic with Hakkai.

48) If [character] had a tumblr, what would they reblog?

~This one’s a fun question. I think if Gojyo had a tumblr, the majority would reflect the 3 things he likes most- women, booze, and smokes. Probably sprinkle in some selfies of himself being all sexy, cheesy pick up lines and puns, maybe some crude jokes, more scantily clad women, and gambling tips. Then there’s probably some stuff he’d reblog for the sake of Sanzo,Hakkai, and Goku if they had tumblr as well. Monkey posts to tease Goku, life hacks for Hakkai, & random stuff that would piss off Sanzo. Probably jokes about cranky old men or something. 

49) What is your favorite animated scene?

~umm.... idk... all of Gaiden?

50) [Character]; Boxers, briefs, or commando?

~I feel like Gojyo would have an occasion for all three. Briefs when he’s planning to get with a lady or impress. Boxers when he’s lounging with the boys. And sometimes commando, mainly when sleeping if he has his own room. 

51) What 3 or more tropes fits your favorite character?

~ummm.... running gag, ship tease, and funny moments. (gojyo)

52) What are 3 tropes that describe [character]?

~fiery redhead, the alcoholic, and jerk with a heart of gold (gojyo)

53) If Saiyuki got a 4th series, what would it be called?

~Well now that there is a 4th season coming out... Saiyuki Reload Blast XD (now we just need an Ibun OVA!!!)

54) If your favorite character could control an element, what would it be?

~Fav charater’s always been between Sanzo and Kougaiji... though recently I often wonder if it’s not Hazel now. I think Lightning suits Sanzo. Fire for Kou. And Ice for Hazel. Earth for Goku & Hakkai. Wind for Yaone.

55) Was there a character you used to love but no longer do?

~I dont think so actually. I think everyone I love I still do and everyone I hate I still do. 

56) What has been the saddest moment for you in the series?

~Yakumo’s death. Yakumo’s whole chapter arc.  And the end of Gaiden.

57) What is your favorite anime/manga genre?

~Psychological thriller/horror (but I also like romance & action & drama)

58) Name 5 other characters you like along with your fav Saiyuki character.

~Spike Spiegel, Axel, Seto Kaiba, Zelos Wilder, Alvin Svent, and Snow Villiers

59) Do you prefer subbed or dubbed anime?

~Dubbed. But most of the time subbed is 100 x’s better... obviously.

60) Did you watch the anime first or read the manga?

~Gensomaden anime came first.

61) Do you seek out spoilers or avoid at all cost?

~I avoid them at all cost, most of the time. Unless it’s something I’m not planning to watch or read.

62) Do you write fan fics or draw fan art? If so, link!

~I do, on both accounts. I don’t have any Saiyuki fanfics though. If anyone really want links, I’ll send them privately in IM’s. My Saiyuki fanart can all be found on my blog. Other fan art of diff fandoms is on DA. I only have a couple of completed fanfics on fanfiction.net... most of my work isn’t finished so that’s not really worth linking, I wouldn’t think.

63) What was the most pointless filler in the anime?

~I can’t really think of anything... maybe the sauna one where Goku thinks Sanzo turns into a demon. Or the kitty one. Don’t get me wrong, I loved both those episodes... but in regards to the plot, they don’t contribute a thing. 

64) How do you describe Saiyuki to a friend who has never heard of it?

~Four guys travel west to stop the resurrection of a demon lord. Um... there’s lots of humor and action. It’s amazing. It’s.... kinda gay without actually being gay.

65) If you RP what is your favorite thing to Roleplay?

~answered this one~

66) What is your favorite Saiyuki Opening or Ending for the animes?

~The opening for Gaiden is very gorgeous, perhaps that one <3

67) What’s something you think would improve the series?

~HAVING MORE MANGA TRANSLATED AND PUBLISHED HERE IN AMERICA! And bring back some minor characters, that’d be cool to see.

68) Who, in your opinion, has the most tragic backstory?

~Geez... that’s like comparing a life time of stomach issues to someone who has a life time of mental illness... both are equally tragic. If I HAD to pick.... Yakumo.... I’m just gonna go with Yakumo. Technically, it’s not really a backstory but what’s he was presently doing. Having such a kind, soft heart... wanting nothing more but to save, shelter, and raise youkai kids... and choosing to kill them when they go berserk, perhaps with the whole mentality of ‘kill a few to save the whole’. It’s so tragic. Other than that, I can’t choose 1 over the other for tragic back stories cuz everyone has it equally bad in some way. 

I guess I can say the tie would be between Gojyo, Sanzo, Hakkai, Goku, Dokugakuji, Hazel, and Nataku.

69) Who would be best at pleasing their lover?

~It kinda depends on what said lover wants most our of their partner and if it’s true love or a fling. If they both knew what they were doing, Goku & Kou would be very thorough, patient, and thoughtful lovers. Gojyo would be best at bringing the skill/pleasure in a pure sexual aspect. Hakkai’s difficult to pin down. He’d be gentle with the same qualities I listed for Gok/Kou.... but he’d have this wall up at the same time. Sanzo... just probably wouldn’t be the best, if he got intimate at all to begin with. Hazel’s so... antagonistic. I’ll just go with Gojyo or Dokugakuji. 

70) What do you think Saiyuki would be like if Kougaiji and co were the main protagonists? Do you think you’d still enjoy it? 

~A lot less humor and more dark because it would be more from the “villains” POV. Kou’s kinda angsty. I don’t think Saiyuki would be as well recieved and loved from Kougaiji’s & co’s pov... and there’s several characters we might have missed out on.... but I think it’s something I would still really enjoy. If its written by Kazuya Minekura, she’d make it amazing regardless. 

71) What minor character had a significant impact on the plot?

~I think that would have to be Hazel Grouse.

72) On a scale from 1 - 10, 1 being not much and 10 being too much, how much does Saiyuki Gaiden hurt you?

~TEN

73) What character is still a mystery to you?

~Perhaps Koumyou or Ukoku (maybe even Yaone in the sense that we kinda know next to nothing about her... that I can recall). But with Koumyou especially, both of them are just so complex & different than I am that they’re difficult for me to understand. 

74) What is the funniest moment in the series?

~It really says something about how much a perv I really am if the very first scene that pops into my mind after thinking about what my fav moment could be is.... Gojyo & Goku wrestling & arguing on the bed and that lady walks in & thinks they’re doing, or about to do, something naughty. Oddly, I Really like the scene where Gojyo mimics Sanzo too. 

75) Who is your favorite minor character?

~Hazel or Banri or Zenon ...... Yakumo & Zakuro are p great too

76) Which character has had the most growth?

~I think that would have to be Goku

77) Which character needs more development?

~hmmmm........Lirin maybe? 

[monster-teeth]

So for my senior year I took AP studio art.  Kind of.  I took it for a month or so but quickly realized it wasn’t really what I wanted, so they kept me in the classroom but I took a class that’s requirements my teacher and I made up together.  But the school year before I was pretty set on taking AP art, partly because I had taken every other art class available and also because I really like the idea of being in some kind of elite class I guess(don’t judge me im desperate to feel good about myself lol)

But the school year before, because I was so set on it(and I was actually going to take it that school year but I decided it just didn’t fit in my schedule) I looked at the little pamphlet that you get about it and I was like okay what do I have to do to qualify for this or whatever.  And the pamphlet told me that I needed teacher approval and it either said I needed to show a portfolio or i assumed it did, and I’m pretty damn sure it was the former.  So I threw together what little finished looking art I had, which I quickly realized was not a lot, and stuff on my phone that was digital art.  I put it something nice looking and I put the art on my phone in a folder so I wouldn’t be spending a lot of time scrolling through picture for it.  So I had my art teacher look at it towards gaining approval to get into the class right.  So my art teacher was looking through it all, and probably about halfway through he told me that I didn’t actually need to show him this stuff, nobody has to like go through The Format or anything, if you want to get in you just can. Which Nobody Told Me.  the critique goes on, he flips through it all and then he asks me something along the lines of “do these look finished to you?”  and i’m like “yeah, I guess.”  and we talk about that for awhile and we basically get to the idea that really I need to add more stuff to the backgrounds or even have a background at all or add more detail and i tell him how i love detail but I always worry that if I put too much detail it’ll become too much and he kind of talks me out of that by showing me some famous artists with really lots of detail in their work

but somewhere in that conversation over the stuff i was showing him, he told me that my art “looks like your average high school fantasy art”

and just later in the day and the next couple days like

that made me really upset man

Because i really enjoyed what i was drawing at that time and the simpleness of that and I felt like I was getting closer to something repeatable and enjoyable

and all of sudden somebody tells you that’s bad

like he said it in a “that’s kind of bad, you should move away from that, move above that” kind of way

and after those couple of weeks I kind of forgot about it, but in the recent weeks I was just really looking at some of the cheaply framed art of mine on the walls, some of which was in that portfolio

and like im thinking, I was so happy and having so much fun when I was making those, when did i stop drawing cool looking but kind of generic fantasy characters and then i was like Oh.

And don’t get me wrong, I love the stuff I’m doing now, I think my character design and overall art skills have gotten a lot better since taking “AP art”(cause it technically wasn’t actually AP for me), but I kind of miss just having fun rather than worrying about Oh my god is this original enough, does it have enough detail, is there a background, how about complex lighting.

Like I had been doing a 30 days of monsters challenge or something when I made those

AND I WAS SUPER STRESSED though, cause like I felt like there was no way for me to make a piece every day and i also didn’t have enough water colour paper for it lol, but also because I knew there was absolutely no one to care if I didn’t finish it.  Which is really discouraging.  It’s both freeing to know that Literally No One Cares, but also super depressing to know that Literally No One Cares cause then like what is the point?

Like even if I enjoyed painting something and I really like it and then I post it and it doesn’t even get a -single- note, like I’m not kidding most of my art gets zero notes except for me reblogging it in hopes of somebody seeing it, then it kind of feels like making it was for nothing.  Especially since most of the time the art of mine that people do seem to like, usually in person, is art that I don’t really like, and then they don’t like the art that I think was actually really really good.

It’s annoying I guess.

But they also all had this cool funkiness to them that I kind of miss, and I don’t seem to anymore.  Like one of them has this big weird shape behind it that has super thick black lines on it.  I like that a lot.  But at the same time I guess I’m also trying to be sophisticated.  I guess.. I guess I’m trying to be an adult and have Adult art  !Not like sexual stuff!  but like stuff that seems more immaculate I guess. But then at the same time I’m trying to find a colouring style that’s repeatable and easy enough to make comics with, or work quickly with.

I.  I feel so slow.  I feel like I am So Slow.  Like everyone around me can make finished looking art in one day, and it takes me three days if im working on it constantly and I actually finish it and im not having like a Really Good Art Day.  And it just kind of beats all the want to make art of me when everything looks bad and everything takes to long to make finished.

And I both want to draw fanart and also know that fanart is honestly the only way i can ever get noticed on any website or thing ever. But I also feel like I such at drawing fanart.  I should draw fanart. A ton.  And just like not care how it looks or something I guess.  But at the same time if all anybody follows me for is fanart and then I just start drawing my regular stuff i know people will like get mad??? and like then it feels like i’ve tricked them into following me

but also I never draw consistently.  Like I don’t post art for months at a time.  I used to post more on my instagram but then my phone got fucked up and I can’t do that again until I have a new phone. BUT ALSO the stuff i posted on my instagram was traditional sketches and stuff because that’s what I would do inbetween classes and now that I don’t have class anymore i don’t really do a lot of traditional art.  Anything I do these days is digital.  But I spend wayy more time scrolling tumblr than I do making anything these days.  Hopefully I’ll be working on some doll customs soon but I can’t start on that until I order stuff and I can’t order stuff yet cause I have to do it through my mom because I still don’t have a bank account because we didn’t get me one before I turned 18 so now I can’t do anything really?  I can’t take commissions because I don’t have a bank account to link to my paypal, I can’t sell anything on etsy because 1. mail system and shipping in general is scary aND 1. PAYPAL with bank account thing again.  I can’t get paid from my online job until I have a bank account for them to put it in yet eitHER.

I just spend all day watching TV and scrolling tumblr in 80-100 degree weather everyday.

That’s all I do.

Everyday.

And I have pretty much zero friends.

I mean, it’s kind of what I expected out of life, but still.

Still horribly mentally ill and multiple fronts with no therapist.

Plants are still dying.

I’d go outside and do pok/em/on go but phone = broke so.

yeah, im trying to write stuff too, and ya know actually make some comics but art = hard so it doesn’t get very far.  Maybe make something with a friend?? but i don’t know if that’s gonna fall through or not cause like it would involve both art and writing and we all know how Slow i am at that stuff.