#you know it's good when i do the whole body tense + clenching hands stim

[ihavenoideawhattotypehere]

mutuals i have fallen into a treacherous hole of. the hobbit fanfictions

[cephy-the-squid]

Hug All Your Friends (And Let Them Know) Pt 2 of 2

AO3 Link Chapter 1

Summary: With all of his friends paired up into couples, Remus worries that Janus will expect them to be a couple in some way. Scared to lose his best friend, Remus tries to seduce Janus. After all, isn’t that what Janus wants?“Remus, buddy, are you decent?” Janus asked, knocking on Remus’s peeling, green door.

Relationships: Platonic Dukeceit / Demus, Background Platonic Roman & Virgil & Remus, Very Background Royality, Very Background Queerplatonic Analogical

Words: 1715

Featuring; Autistic Remus, Non-Binary Janus (he/they/xe pronouns), Non-SAM Aromantic Remus

TWs: Internalized Aphobia, Explicit Language, Fear of Abandonment, Attempting to Force Oneself into a Relationship One Doesn’t Want, Self Injurious Stimming

There was a moment of silence, in which Janus fiddled with the sleeve of his lavish gloves and lacy sundress. Janus briefly wondered if Remus wasn’t in his room. He was about to turn around and check the living room again, when his thoughts were interrupted.

“Why, Janny?” Remus crooned, in his very best attempt at salaciousness. He hoped Janus couldn’t hear him franitically scratching at his arms. “Is there something you want to see?”

Janus sighed.

“Ah yes, Remus. I would simply adore playing these little games with you right now. Of course I would simply love to see you naked. It’s not as if I just wanted to know if you’ve seen my bath bombs. That would be absurd,” Janus drawled, voice sticky with sarcasm.

Unfortunately, sarcasm was not something that a stressed Remus was very good at picking up on.

“Oooooh, so you really would like to see me naked!” Remus screeched. He hoped his sheer volume would hide his panic at Janus’s words.

“Remus, darling, can you please just open the door?”

Remus’s muscles were clenched up so tightly, they were starting to ache.

“Mhm,” he said, but his voice sounded strangled even to himself. He began to hum, the anxious stim coming out almost involuntarily.

Fuck not right now! He could do this. He didn’t need Janus catching on to the fact that he couldn’t love xem the way he was meant to.

Janus, hearing the hum, frowned in concern.

“Remus? Are you alright in there, Buggy?”

“Yes,” Remus yelped much too quickly.

Oh piss buckets. This was not going to plan at all. He and Janus should be making out already!

“Little Bug, I’m not sure I believe you. But that’s alright,” Janus quickly soothed, hearing a broken sob through the door. “It’s okay to be upset. Can you open the door for me, Stink Bug?”

There was no verbal response, but Janus waited patiently, knowing that they were likely dealing with an overwhelmed Remus, and Remus took much longer to process questions when he was overwhelmed.

After a moment of tense waiting, the door creaked open, revealing a very shirtless, very tear stained Remus.

Now the shirtless part was not unusual at all. Remus had a personal vendetta against shirts, frequently preferring to regard them as “Capitalist Tools of Oppression”. His disdain for them was well known, and it was often more rare for Remus to wear a shirt than to forgo one, especially around the house.

So no, Remus’s shirtless appearance was not unusual. But what was unusual, was the fact that Remus, with his arms wrapped across his body in a hug that appeared to be equal parts comfort and cover, seemed like he would desperately prefer to be wearing a shirt.

“Hey squidling,” Janus said gently. “Do you think I can come into your room?”

Though Remus was nearly 9 whole inches taller than Janus, he seemed to shrink into himself. The sight of this tall, muscular man, usually so loud and obnoxious, cowering over the idea of having Janus in his room would have been funny, if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.

Remus looked like he was going to cry.

“Oh Remus,” Janus soothed. Xe started to reach out, but jerked xir hand back when Remus flinched away.

This was not good.

Janus knew he had to choose his next words carefully.

“Do you not want me in your room?” xe asked.

Remus hesitated, then shrugged noncommittally.

“I won’t be upset,” Janus reassured. “We don’t have to go in your room.”

Remus opened his mouth, but immediately closed it and shrugged again.

“Is making discussions too hard right now?” Janus guessed.

He seemed to have guessed correctly because, though Remus certainly didn’t relax, there was a definite measure of relief on his face. He nodded swiftly, and then seemed to enjoy the motion of nodding and continued to nod his head rapidly.

“Okay,” said Janus, xir voice dripping with comfort and false calm. “I can pick. Let’s go to the living room.”

Remus relaxed marginally.

“How about you go put on a shirt, Little Rat,” Janus suggested. “You don’t look very comfortable.”

Remus hesitated for a moment, looking at Janus accessingly, running his hand over the shaved side of his mohawk. Janus wasn’t sure what Remus was looking for, but whatever he found caused him to release the breath he’d been holding in a loud exhale.

“How about I meet you in the living room?” Janus offered.

Remus looked at Janus for another long moment, before nodding slowly, and closing the door, presumably to put on a shirt.

Janus waited somewhat patiently for Remus to finish changing and come to the living room. It would not due to rush him when he was already stressed.

Janus sat down the soft sofa that Remus had brought with him when he moved in. It was a hideous shade of green that didn’t quite fit right with any of the other furnature in the house, but it was so soft and comfortable and so Remus that Janus was willing to bypass his usual classy asethetic.

Usually, when they sat in the living room Remus would sit on the sofa with Janus. In fact, Remus sat so close he was practically in Janus’s skin, often finding that being pressed against someone with a no-expectations arm around his shoulder was a very satisfying pressure stim. Even when he was upset, Remus usually preferred to be held, often finding himself understimulated rather than overstimulated.

This time, however, Remus sat straight-backed on an armchair, seemingly as far away from Janus as possible.

Clearly something was very, very wrong.

Was it something Janus had done? Had they hurt Remus in some way?

“Do you want to kiss me?” Remus asked bluntly, confusing Janus entirely.

At first Janus wondered if maybe this was a confession. People were known to get anxious about confessing their romantic feelings, and though Janus had never seen Remus date anyone before, his assumption that Remus was a-spec could certainly be wrong.

But with a second thought about the way Remus seemed to shrink when he asked, his voice so different from his usual boisterous confidence, Janus couldn’t help but think that wasn’t quite it.

“Do you want to kiss me?” Janus replied, avoiding the question in the hopes of gaining more information.

“It doesn’t matter,” came Remus’s reply, sounding for all the world like this was an indisputable fact.

Janus, usually not one to drown in sympathy, felt like xir heart was shattering.

“Oh, Stink Bug,” Janus comforted. “Who told you that?”

“No one told me. I just know.” Remus seemed confused by Janus’s worry, seeming to have never questioned these thoughts himself.

“Why would it not matter?”

“Because I love you,” Remus answered, as though that explained everything.

“Logan and Virgil love each other too,” Janus pointed out in an attempt at reassurance, “and they don’t kiss each other either.”

Remus mumbled something, too quiet for Janus to hear.

“What was that, Green Bean? I didn’t hear you,” Janus probed.

“And what if I don’t want that either?” Remus blurted.

“That’s okay too Squidling. I don’t need anything from you that you aren’t comfortable giving. I would never want that. I will love you in whatever way you want to be loved,” Janus soothed.

“But one day, you’ll get bored of that. Or you’ll find someone else who gives you the romantic relationship you actually want. The romantic relationship you deserve.”

“I might find a partner someday, and enter a romantic relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’ll love you less. Romantic relationships are not more valuable than platonic relationships,” Janus reassured. “You will always be my best friend.”

“Really?” Remus asked meekly, voice quiet, doubtful, and so unlike the Remus xe knew that it made xem want to cry.

“Of course, Stink Bug.”

“Even if I never want to kiss you? You wouldn’t get bored of me?”

“Oh course not, Squiddy. I can’t imagine anyone describing you as boring.”

“Yeah. More like demented!” Remus crooned with glee, a bit of his normal self coming back after Janus’s reassurance.

“Of course, Remus. Demented is definitely the word I would use. Certainly not creative and unique,” Janus said sardonically, casually signing the ASL word for sarcasm to clue Remus in on his actual meaning.

Remus wiggled happily, bounding over to the sofa, before screeching to a halt in an uncharacteristic moment of hesitation. Instead of his usual overwhelming eye contact, his eyes nervously darted between the couch next to Janus and xer lap.

Janus quickly latched onto Remus’s hesitance.

“It’s totally not okay to ask for what you want, Squid. Not like we just talked about having boundaries and desires or anything,” Janus prompted with a wink.

Remus hummed, but didn’t respond, bringing his hand up to gnaw on.

“Be careful of your wrist, Green Bean. Use your chewlery instead,” Janus redirected Remus calmly. “It’s all okay. You can ask for what you want. I won’t be mad.”

Remus bit down on his chewy squid ferociously, with a satisfying squeak that Remus could feel deep in his bones. He chewed for a moment while Janus waited patiently, absentmindedly fiddling with the corner of a gold pillow while keeping all of his attention on the man in front of him.

“Can I sit on your lap?” Remus finally asked after a few seconds, rocking up onto his toes. “Would that be too weird? Is that still okay, if I don’t want it to be romantic?”

“Of course it’s okay, Mus. Nothing has to be romantic unless you want it to be. It’s intent that makes something romantic.” Remus barely waited for Janus to finish talking before he was taking a running leap into Janus’s lap, knocking all of the wind out of his lungs with a mildly pained chuckle. Janus carefully wrapped their arms around Remus, one arm wrapped around his waist, while the other cradled his head and ran their hands through his hair, scratching his scalp in just the way Remus loved.

“I love you Remus,” whispered Janus, in a rare moment of pure vulnerability, “platonically and fully.”

Remus didn’t respond verbally, but the last remaining tension seemed to drain from him, and he sank bonelessly into Janus’s embrace.

[echo-bleu]

no one ever said it would be this hard

For @moonlight-breeze-44 Happy birthday Em!! I hope you like this. I made it all angsty and painful for you 💙

I've been wanting to write Alec breaking down after breaking up with Magnus for a good while, and this was a great opportunity. This is part of my map out a world series (though there's no need to read the other parts first as it's mostly canon compliant), but it can reasonably be read as a prequel to take me back to the start, too. Hence the Coldplay title.

Huge thanks to my amazing beta @jeanboulet who edited this super fast and helped me figure out a title.

[self-harm, self-injurious stims, meltdown, blood, dissociation]

Read on AO3.

It should be raining, or something. There should be some kind of external sign that the world has just turned on its axis. The night shouldn’t be this… normal.

Alec runs back to the Institute on autopilot. He doesn’t even realize that he’s forgotten to activate his speed rune until he arrives, panting, at the front doors. He runs fast enough to make his lungs burn, because it prevents him from crying all the tears in his body. He shouldn’t cry. He chose this.

It doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t make it feel any less like his whole world just ended.

Maybe because it did.

“Alec!”

He’s assaulted by Izzy as soon as he steps inside. He doesn’t even have time to take his hand off the handle of the door before she’s in his space, shouting. Something about Jonathan. Something about Clary. Something—

Wait. He didn’t follow any of that, but something clicks in his mind. He felt pain in the parabatai bond, before. He didn’t really feel it, with how fucking tense he was, but he noted it in a corner of his mind somehow. Jace is hurt. Izzy is panicked. Clary is… missing, if what his brain is parsing together is right. Jonathan is gone.

Fuck.

Alec pushes it all away. He knows how to do it, how to switch to soldier mode. Dissociate his feelings from his actions, make his body and his brain do what needs to be done. He’s always known. It was the first thing he learned, long before the Academy, long before formal training. He closes his eyes for a second, and when he opens them again, there is nothing but complete clarity.

As long as he holds on tight.

He takes Izzy by the shoulders. “Tell me again.”

“Jonathan got into Clary’s head!” Izzy shouts again, too loud in his ears, like she can’t control the level of her voice in her panic. Alec doesn’t wince. He doesn’t feel pain the same way, when he does this.

It’s useful. He can just hold her tighter and get the whole story out of her, how Clary knocked Jace out and freed Jonathan. “They’re gone.”

“Okay,” Alec murmurs, for Izzy’s benefit. “Okay. Calm down. We need to secure the premises.”

“Already done, sir,” Underhill comes behind Izzy. “No sign of them. We have a Seelie knight dead in the observation cell. Three dead guards.”

Alec tightens his fists, remembering just in time to let go of Izzy first. He doesn’t feel his nails digging into his palms. He doesn’t feel his phone buzzing in his pocket with the Institute-wide alert. He doesn’t feel.

It’s a good thing.

“Izzy, go find Jace,” he orders. “Underhill, I need a full sweep. Where’s Jens?”

Underhill points to the Ops table, beside which Jens is talking on the phone. Izzy shakes herself – she’s no stranger to obeying orders, either – and she jogs away. Alec doesn’t bother tracking where she’s going. He knows he’s operating on limited bandwidth, limited energy. He has to rely on his subordinates.

“I’ve informed the Clave,” Jens says over the noise of the ops center as soon as he hangs up his phone.

Alec walks up to him, Underhill on his heels.

“Sir,” Underhill starts, agitated. “Won’t they—”

“They will, but we can’t do without it now,” Alec says. “I assume they’re reinstating the kill order?”

“Yes,” Jens confirms. “We have orders to put all our available teams on it, and they will send additional ones in the morning.”

Alec places his hands flat on the edge of the table, and takes strength from the pressure for a second. “Brief the teams. Capture, don’t kill. I’ll handle the Clave.”

Underhill nods at his dismissal and walks away, but Jens lingers. Alec grits his teeth. There’s so much to do, and so little time to do it, and he can’t let go now.

“Alec, is everything alright?” Jens asks – not softly, not exactly, but he can see what no one else notices. He’s known Alec forever. He’s known Alec better than his own siblings for years.

“I can’t do this now,” Alec responds honestly. He can barely make himself speak out loud.

“The Clave is handled for now,” Jens answers. He’s switching almost automatically to trying to relieve Alec of as many duties as possible, like well-oiled machinery. He knows exactly when to push Alec, and when to hold back. He knows that Alec can’t handle more pressure now. “They’ll call if they need more intel. Paperwork can wait.”

“Maybe it shouldn’t,” Alec says. Maybe he won’t be able to handle it later.

“It will,” Jens asserts. “Go to your siblings. I can hold the fort.”

Alec sighs. He can’t slip now. He nods at Jens and grips the edges of the table tighter.

Jace, Izzy and Simon, his presence almost incongruous, stride up on the catwalk at that moment. “Alec!”

Alec moves like he’s in a sea of treacle. Every muscle in his body is tenser than a guitar string. It must be visible, because Izzy gives him a look of concern. Or maybe she suspects what he abandoned them for.

Fuck. He was supposed to be there with them. If he had been, maybe—

It almost makes him crumble. He stumbles, just barely, and pulls his control back tighter. They have a whole conversation around him about the Clave’s orders and the Heavenly Fire serum, and Alec is sure that he participates in some way, but he would be hard-pressed to say how.

He’s entirely unsure of what happens for the rest of the night. Or the next day. He doesn’t have a single second to himself to reflect on things, and it’s good. He’s fairly sure that he allows Jace desperate measures that he would have never signed on otherwise, but, well, Jace needs to get Clary back. One of them needs to end this with their heart intact.

There’s one moment, during the day, when Jace asks about Magnus. Alec nearly crumples just at hearing his name. “Sometimes things don’t go the way you want them to.” He hears the words coming out of his mouth like he’s far away, in another world, another universe. There’s a version of him that enunciates them, and Alec has lost track which. Alec the Clave soldier doesn’t have room for any of that. And he’s closed the door on any other part of him.

He falters for one moment, and as soon as Jace leaves his office, he activates half the runes on his body, just to anchor himself on the rush of energy. Stamina. He hasn’t slept in almost three days. Strength. His body feels like jelly. Calm Anger. It pushes everything back down.

And if he abuses them, well, no one else needs to know.

*

He’s sitting on his bed when his siblings find him. It must have been, what, six hours since Jace was thrown back through a portal into the Institute? He’s frozen, afraid that if he moves an inch, he’ll shatter into pieces.

He hasn’t moved for hours. He’s sitting with his back perfectly straight, his feet flat on the ground, still fully dressed in patrol gear, long past the time when the position should have become uncomfortable – but he can’t even feel it. His hands are clasped together, too tight, his knuckles white with the effort. Stuck.

He doesn’t move when Izzy and Jace knock, and at his lack of answer, they slip inside. He can’t look up at them, he can’t react. He clenches his jaw hard and tries not to fall apart.

“Alec,” Izzy calls quietly, passing through his field of vision. She disappears briefly and reappears kneeling beside him, just shy of touching him. Alec wants to jerk out of the way, but his body doesn’t obey.

“Alec, you’re feeling really awful, buddy,” Jace says, crouching on the other side.

Alec breathes carefully, evenly, as he has for hours, until there’s a hitch. His breathing goes out of sync with his brain, with his locked down body, and it crumbles. He falls apart.

He crumples in on himself, chin reaching his knees as he curls up, gasping. He digs his thumbs into his forehead and, when that doesn’t work, he stuffs his fingers into his mouth and bites down hard. He slips off the bed and falls onto the floor, and the pain of hitting his back against the bed frame doesn’t even register as he starts to rock back and forth.

“Alec!” Izzy reacts. But she doesn’t try to touch him. She knows if won’t go over well.

Jace doesn’t have the same compulsion, not when Alec’s fingers are still in his mouth and he’s tasting iron. Blood. “Alec, you have to stop,” he tries. He approaches his hand to pull on Alec’s forearm, but as soon as their skins touch, Alec lets out a strangled cry and backs away, into the bed frame, then brutally onto the bed, until he’s backed up against the headboard.

Fuck. The urge to hit his head to dull the agony is irresistible, and it makes a thud as pain erupts under his scalp. He hears, vaguely, his siblings trying to stop him verbally, but nothing is coming through anymore. He screams silently, mouth open in agony, as his head hits the wall again and again.

“Alec.” Izzy is crying now. Alec thinks distantly that she’s never seen him this bad, not since they were little kids and she didn’t have to handle him. He’s long learned to hide his meltdowns, to shutdown instead, like he’s done for most of today – yesterday. Dissociate until there’s nothing left of him.

This time, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough, because nothing is enough.

He’s been able to stay numb for twenty-eight hours, since he closed the door of his mother’s shop and left Magnus inside. He’s been—

Magnus.

Fuck.

He pulls at his hair, hard enough to uproot it. Nothing is enough. His skin is too tight for the pain bubbling inside of him, and he’s exploding, losing all control. He’s a giant knot, muscles taut and burning from staying so tense all day, runes overworked and overloaded.

His eyes stay dry, even as he craves the relief of crying. “Alec,” someone murmurs – he doesn’t know who anymore. “Shhhhh. It’s okay.”

It’s not okay. There’s no such thing as okay, now, not without—

His chest feels like a hole has been punched through it, and it’s been filled with self-expanding foam. He sobs without a noise, his shoulders shaking and his whole body trembling.

Suddenly, there’s a warm body against him, and for a moment, Alec is about to throw it off, to react violently against the unbearable touch. He resists, but the arms around him tighten until it almost smothers him — paradoxically, that calms him down. Jace holds him and rocks with him and slowly, very slowly, Alec settles.

The tears don’t come until Izzy’s smaller hands reach him, first checking him for injuries, then soothing him, running over his shoulders and his neck, always strong and tight. Alec hiccups and almost throws up, but he hasn’t eaten in too long. He dry heaves instead, coughing without breathing, gasping until his eyes water and finally he’s sobbing fully.

He hears Jace’s voice in between painful hiccups. “Izzy told me what happened. How do we help?”

Alec shakes his head when he’s finally parsed the sentence, probably too late for it to make sense. There’s nothing they can do, and Alec has no words in him to tell them. It’s over. Magnus is gone. Gone from his life, forever.

The sobs redouble, and Alec heaves over the arm holding him up, probably Jace’s. His chest is on fire, but it feels right. It should hurt. It should be so painful as to be unbearable, because that’s what it feels like inside.

There’s already a Magnus-shaped hole inside him, and it’s only going to grow deeper and larger. Alec wonders, vaguely, how long he has until it swallows him whole.

*

It feels like hours before his sobs subside, leaving him breathless and listless, like a puppet whose strings have been cut. Alec gradually slides down until he’s curled up on his side on the bed, his head on the pillow Magnus slept on just two days ago.

Jace and Izzy move with him, refusing to let him go. They scoot over until they’re framing him, Jace curled against his back and Izzy in front of him, one hand cupping his wrist. Alec lets himself soak up their warmth as he starts shivering.

He doesn’t stop crying in one go. He keeps seeing flashes of Magnus, and it only takes a half-formed thought to start again, the sobs wracking his body. It’s less violent every time, though, and after a while it only extracts a pitiful hiccup from him, his tears long dried out. Jace and Izzy keep holding him silently, though Alec can feel the looks they exchange over his shoulder.

“Alec,” Jace murmurs after a long time. “Was there really no other way?”

Alec struggles to focus his gaze on something – Izzy’s hand on his wrist, in this case – and he wets his lips several times without managing to speak. He shakes his head.

“It’s okay if you can’t speak right now,” Izzy whispers. “We’re here for you.”

Alec nods gratefully. She’s only recently learned to do this, to recognize when he’s struggling to form words. None of his family ever caught on – his siblings used to laugh at him, when he struggled with seemingly simple things. His parents would shake him and force him to hide it.

Magnus was the first one to understand.

Magnus was the first one to see Alec. The first one to love him for who he is, and not for the image of Alec he had in his mind. And Alec ruined it, over and over. He betrayed Magnus and let him suffer because of his actions.

He brought Magnus nothing but pain.

He tastes ashes. His mouth feels dry, parched by a thirst that will never be quenched again. He hurts all over from tensing so much, but it feels like a too small punishment for his sins.

“I can’t,” he starts, forcing the words out over the knot in his throat. “I can’t imagine living without him.”

It opens up yet another avenue of thoughts, that he’s pushed away until now. All his plans for the future include Magnus. There is no Alec without Magnus, not in his head. He’s dreamed so often about marrying him, recently, about seeing the Lightwood ring on Magnus’ hand and moving in together and—

What is he going to do now?

He can’t stop seeing Magnus’ face as he left the shop, the desperation in his eyes. Did he really do the right thing? Magnus has lost so much recently—

But that’s exactly why Alec did it. Magnus has lost too much. His magic is an intrinsic part of himself, something he can’t just do without, even if it took Alec too much time to understand. His immortality is a part of him. Alec… Alec is just a lover. One more lover in a long string of them.

Magnus has had many relationships, and he’s lost them all eventually, and he lived through it. But this, losing his magic? He was ready to risk dying from Lorenzo’s transfusion, just to be able to use this second-hand, wrong magic. Even Alec could see how weird the yellow magic was in Magnus’ hands, how sickening, but Magnus latched onto it like it was more important than breathing.

No, Magnus can replace Alec in a way he can never replace his magic. As bad as Alec feels for hurting him on the short term, it’s the only decision he could make.

From the moment the idea of going to Asmodeus went through his brain, he knew that he couldn’t live with himself unless he tried everything. He wishes, selfishly, that he’d never thought of it. He’d be holding Magnus right now in this bed, instead of lying heartbroken between his siblings.

It wouldn’t hurt like this.

“You can do this, Alec,” Izzy says softly, but even Alec can tell that she doesn’t fully believe it. “I know you can. We’ve just gotta take it one step at a time.”

“That one of your mundane group things?” Jace asks when Alec doesn’t react.

He doesn’t know how to react. He can’t think of tomorrow, of next week, of any time without Magnus. One step at a time implies that he even wants to go on.

He’s not sure he does.

“Yeah,” Izzy mutters. “It helps. Sometimes.”

Alec wonders if this is what Jace felt when they thought that Clary was dead. What he feels right now when Clary is out there somewhere, brainwashed by Jonathan. Alec can’t feel anything through the parabatai bond, not on top of his own pain.

He grits his teeth against the urge to hit his head again, just to overwhelm the emotional pain. His scalp is going to bruise as it is, unless he uses an iratze. His fingers are covered in teeth marks where he bit himself, some of them still bloody.

“You hope the pain here will overpower the pain there,” Magnus told him once, hand on his heart. Alec almost whimpers.

Oh, to go back there, to the beginning of them. The pain of that day, the overpowering guilt at Jocelyn’s death, feels so inconsequential now. So much has happened. They never had time to stop running, one thing after the other.

It’s been over two years, but Alec feels like he never had time to just breathe. Curl up with Magnus and just enjoy the moment. They always had to think about the next step, the best thing for their respective people, the next threat coming to rip them apart.

And now they’ll never have that time.

Alec jerks his hands out of Izzy’s grasp and he digs his nails into the skin of his scalp, pressing on his eyes with the heels of his palms. Fuck. He can’t do this. He can’t live with this pain.

Jace must sense his distress, because he slings his arm over Alec’s and holds him, so tightly that it’s nearly painful. It eases something in Alec, calming his crawling skin until he can relax just a little. “We’re here,” Jace murmurs in his ear. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“We can’t replace Magnus, but we’ll support you no matter what,” Izzy adds, slipping her arms around both of them. “We love you, Alec. That will never change.”

Alec closes his eyes.

It doesn’t make things better. It doesn’t make tomorrow any less daunting, and it doesn’t stop the excruciating pain. But it soothes something in Alec, making it just a little less unbearable.

His body exhausted beyond its limits, Alec finally falls asleep.

[absoluteindulgence]

How the Boys Give/Recieve

A/N: GOOD EVENING/GOODNIGHT Y'ALL IT'S 3AM WHERE I AM LOL. TAGS: @royaltywritesstuff, @burnedbyshoto, @ikinabi . I HAD ANOTHER NAUGHTY HEADCANON IDEA AND WANTED TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU GUYS. THIS HC IS LONG AF, SORRY IN ADVANCE BUT ENJOY THE FOOD. THE CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP (18+). THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT.

☀️🌞MIRIO🌞☀️

Give:

My baby is sweet and kind! Hella, eager to eat you like his last meal!

Will tell you to pee before and after sex (because he cares).

After you come out of the bathroom, there are towels for your body and pillows for your head. (He's always prepared).

He gets cocky when you get comfortable on the bed, telling you, “You’re gonna need the pillows big time.” You don’t even bother asking why, but your imagination roams. 

When he lays you down, he grazes your legs lightly. It’s therapeutic but also makes your senses aware and sensitive to his touch. Mirio is a little impatient to taste you, so he won't tease you longer than 30 seconds.

This dude will literally whisper "ITADAKIMASU" to your pussy. You're going to melt.

“Hey Sunshine, I’m sorry I lied to you. Remember how I told you I love to eat Ramen, it turns out that’s my second love. My first is you.”

Melt, reform, then EXPLODE.

His kisses are littered all between your inner thighs, reminding you how wonderful you are. Goes on to call you his Sunshine and Sunflower.

He's hella skilled because you taught him what you liked. He always pays attention to your body. From your breathing to the way your thighs shake.

His tongue on your clit is a signature of, many swivels, sucks, and spelling "I love you."

Receive

He’s a beefy boi, so imagine what’s underneath the underwear. Change your hero name from Lemillion to LePacking, honey

He's very enthusiastic, damn near antsy all from you just touching or staring at his piece.

He calls his cock "Your Love Rod" or "Man muscle" I'M CACKLING

It's really all jokes, but if you do say it while stroking him, dick gon twitch something crazy.

He gets all shy when you’re talking to him before placing your mouth on his tip. Jokingly tell him, “Your precum is enough to put in a cup, baby.” His face is gonna be RED.

Enveloping his cock in your mouth was trouble at first, but now you gobble him up like a thick ass banana. He’s always vocal, from light moans to deep groans. Very loud at times, groaning your name, telling you, “Damn, you’re so fucking good at this.” He’s usually out of breath.

He likes to grab your hair or the back of your head and apply a little pressure. He won’t always do it, but he knows you like the contact. Mirio’s eyes will occasionally be closed as his muscles tense. 

Sometimes you'll say, “Focus on me," and as soon as your eyes meet, you suck him off like a jolly rancher. His face is stuck in surprise and lust.

Bonus: Also, sidebar because thanks to @coconutnunnicorn​ , I will add that this fool does come home one day with that funny ass elephant hammock g-string, and it makes for a weird night. You spend an hour laughing, trying to breathe air back into your body, but that goes nowhere. He makes the noise, and you fucking lose it all over again. Imagine Mirio singing the chorus to Work It by Missy Elliot. We really love this dork lmao

❄SHOUTO🔥

Give:

His hands are so skilled, whether it's to massage your back, feet, or hands. So imagine how it feels when he massages your inner thighs.

Its the most sensual feeling imaginable. Shouto takes pleasure in pleasing you since you do for him in so many ways.

He doesn't just focus on your clit because that's not the only way of pleasure (he looked it up on google and tried new methods on you)

He likes to lick your inner and outer lips (labia majora and minora) since it shocks you, sometimes you'll hear a low chuckle and die on the inside from the heat of his mouth fanning over you.

His kisses to your clit are just as passionate as if he was kissing the lips on your face. He doesn't hold back from massaging your inner thighs, either.

He loves to squeeze and kiss them might leave a couple of hickies after stimulating you.

His thick fingers are always hooked inside you, waiting for your walls to clench around him.

Your moans are chaotic cries as you whisper or shout his name. 

Receive

So you pretend like you don't know what you're doing with him at times since his size is abnormally thicc. You tease him saying he can't fit in your mouth.

Shouto is so fucking sassy, so he looks at you like, "Oh yeah? And yet you called me during your break telling me to shove it down your throat."

You giggle while rubbing your hands down his chest, taking tiny licks at his shaft. They start gentle and rise to be longer. Your tongue circles his tip and boom, you’re deepthroating him.

His eyes shoot the deepest level of lust you can fathom as you give him eye contact. A cheeky smile creeps upon his face as he praises you.

“You take me so well” headass

Suck his tip like a Capri sun, and his toes will curl, but if you swallow his whole cock, he might lose control, and his quirk goes off. How do that D*ntyne Fire and Ice taste?

😈SHINSOU👿

Give:

Ultimate tease, swear to our lord and savior, cory in the house.

He likes to overstimulate you, lightly pressing his hands into your inner thighs, repeatedly saying that you're good enough to eat. Kissing your hip bones as he leaves hickeys and love bites from your belly button to above your knees.

"All of a sudden, I think I'm a cannibal" That line is gonna make you look at him with worry until his warm tongue meets with your awaiting bundle (compliments to Lyssa lmao)

Your moans make him suck and swivel faster until you release.

Your body heaves up and down fast as you try to regain your composure.

Shinsou is the type to close your thighs on his neck or face then ask, "You think we're done, Kitten?"

He gets back to business, and in between licks on your overstimulated clit, he says, "I - don't - think - you’re - loud - enough." His finisher move to end all your orgasms is spelling your name because you’re all he thinks about.

Waking up the morning after, your voice is gone, but he's already making you tea and your favorite breakfast.

Receive:

THICKY WITH THE STIFFY UH

He listens to 69 once, and that’s how he initiates head with you almost every time.

You wanna slap the shit out of him but take it out on his cock instead. Which he likes.

His cock is long with a decent girth. Like when you slap it up with your hands or lips, usually, he bites his own lips watching you do it. His dick twitches wild when you gargle him.

He likes to see how long you can keep eye contact, especially if he’s pulling your hair. I feel like he doesn’t mind your teeth grazing his skin because it’s a testament to how big he is in your mouth.

He’s disgusting in the sense where he likes you to spit all on his dick, “Wet it up nicely, Kitten.”

💥KATSUKI💥

Give:

Everything is a damn competition for this bastard. How many times can you cum? How fast will your legs shake? How many times will you pull his hair?

He pays close attention to your reactions.

He has a big mouth and knows how to use it.

So many times you'll tell him he's a shit talker and he grabs his junk saying, "And you know I can back it up. Now get on the fucking bed".

Sometimes he's rough on purpose because you react a little differently. And it's not the awkward way, but sometimes when you tell him to keep going, he goes beast mode on the pussy.

Grabbing your breasts or thighs, grunting as he eats. He licks your entire vaginal area. The first time he did it, you laughed because it tickled, but now it's become an overwhelming sensation for you.

You grab his hair with your thighs/legs tightening around his head, trying to push him away. But he grabs your thighs tighter, spreading you as wide as possible while holding them down.

You try to struggle, but he says, "Princess, I'm trying to eat. Are you going to let me?" After you nod, he says, "Then open your fucking legs, or I won't let you cum."

After you behave, he starts slow and but gradually gets faster and acts more ravenous than before.

He likes to spell out his (full) name fingers deep in you because, like I said, he fancies a challenge.

Receive:

He can be a real roughhouse at times

This asshole doesn’t care how you decide to suck him off, he’s a meaty big boi and loves threatening you with his dick.

EXAMPLE: “Bakugou, why the fuck did you delete the new episode of my favorite show.” “Because I’m tired of you fucking whining about you missing it.” “Well, how the fuck does this change what I’m going through?” “You’ll be quieter.” “Fuck you, Ratsuki” “Say it louder so that I fuck your mouth.” As you’re about to say something, he throws you DVDs of the whole fucking season. Before you can thank him, this entitled little bitch says, “You want an apology, you can suck it out the tip of my cock.”

Usually, you would get mad, but you happily oblige yanking his shit damn near from his body.

He curses you out, but you end up stroking him, a hand gripped tightly around his shaft with your mouth like a sturdy suction cup. He is surprised by your force as he adjusts while seated. He wants to hold your head down but wants to see how far you go without his help, shit-talking in the midst of it all, “Yeah, baby, I told you, you’ll be quieter.”

You roll your eyes and lick his tip gently.

Any other time he's not an asshole, you are a PRO with his THICC stick of dynamite. Sucking, Spitting, SLURPING (BECAUSE HE LOVES THE SOUNDS) HE THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN SPAGHETTI OR ANY POPSICLE YOU PUT IN YOUR MOUTH. You joke about how he's not gluten-free, and he will groan, making you laugh and making him nut.

Whether on purpose or accident, he says, "Here's your new skincare." If you know, you know.

Bonus: First, imagine your neighbors hearing this little argument, 0-100000 real quick. Second, imagine making Bakugou nut after you’ve over-stim him just because you laughed. Does that make him sensitive, or just hearing you laugh made him reach his limit? Also, I got the apology line from the artist ChuuRingo on Twitter!

🌋EIJIROU🌋

Give:

This man is so fucking gentle.

The first time he went downtown, he asked what you liked and wanted to know how you felt. The second time, did everything right/everything you wanted without asking.

Now every time after, your body is left in shakes and sweats.

He loves to leave you in a puddle.

Kiri loves to climb on top of you, kiss you all the way down to your sweetness. Breathy gasps escape your lips when his lips make contact with your neck, collarbone, the top of your breasts.

Sometimes he gets sidetracked playing with your nipples but still trails his kisses down your stomach till he reaches his right destination.

Kiri tries different techniques all the time, they all work wonders on you. He is so needy for your moans and touches. Rubs you wherever his hands will roam, his body worship coming into play.

He’s a little crazy because he loves when you squeeze his head between his thighs. Let him know you’re close to coming. There have been times where he almost passed out, he never told you. Kiri said that he would be happy to die between your legs, though. You jokingly tell him that’s manly but really apologize for having so much orgasmic strength.

Kiri loves to spell your name and his, his tongue is exceptionally fast so you can only imagine that he’s been practicing to do that with you for a long time.

Receive:

He loves to look at your lips and reminds you that you're so beautiful while giving him the good old skippity mmmmmbop

He's so cliche at times that he will tell you, "Damn, I haven't activated my quirk, yet I feel unbreakable already."

Cornball city, Mirio, and Kiri put your clown wigs back on.

He's so confident in your skills as he lays on the bed you share, spread the fuck out while you crawl in between his legs.

You tease him a little, but he's patient. He knows you're building up suspense or staring at his huge cock. Knowing that you love his size, girth, and the color of his throbber.

There are times that after he finished making you cum through oral that your orgasms lubricate your throat and relax your jaw. So it leads to super happy fun times for Mr. Red Daddy Riot.

Now you, like a challenge. Challenging how strokes, how many sucks, how many times you can lick his balls before he nuts.

His body shudders no matter where you put your tongue.

If you swallow, he goes above and beyond for you for the next six-eight sessions, or even if you seriously tap out. If you spit, he's gonna cuddle you into oblivion as you guys have a cheat day date with ice cream.

Finished 2:30AM EST 1.30.2020

[shhhhyoursister]

What about autistic Matteo doing one of his things, but David had a bad day so he is just annoyed at everything and snaps at Matteo. And Matteo is hurt, but like David didn't mean it against him personally and both are just hurt, but they talk it out.

oof oof damn okay okay yeah i can do this i know this feel lmao im gonna make this sad folks sorry

***

Matteo knew that he probably should have told David to stay home that night instead of coming over, because David had already told him that he was in a bad mood, and Matteo had had that crawling feeling under his skin all day and hadn’t stopped moving or making noises or pacing and spinning around his room since he had woken up. 

Matteo knew that David really didn’t care about his stimming, and was probably the most patient person Matteo knew, but he also knew that it could be fucking annoying to have someone bouncing around you and clicking their tongue and smacking themselves in the hip like Matteo had been doing all day. Just to be safe, he sent David a text saying, just a warning that i haven’t stopped stimming since i woke up, sorry if im annoying tongiht.

He really knew he should’ve told him to stay home when instead of responding like usual and telling Matteo not to apologize, he just sent back okay and nothing else. Before David even got there Matteo had already started trying to make his body calm, and he rolled a joint in case he was really struggling.

David got there when it was already dark out, and Matteo was feeling tired and overwhelmed from a day of aggressive stimming. He could tell that he was a probably a little on edge too, worrying so much about how the night was going to go, so when David came in with a tight smile and barely kissed Matteo on the cheek before walking into the flat so he could take his coat off, Matteo’s fingers started flicking at his side.

They ended up in his room as David actually had stuff he needed to do, so they took up their usual positions with David at Matteo’s desk, and Matteo lying on his bed. Matteo didn’t stay there for long though, understimulated just scrolling on his phone and listening to David’s angry clicking on his keyboard. 

He got up and resumed the pacing he had been doing before he got there, his eyes darting over when he heard David shift in his chair. He saw David sitting straight up, looking tense, and Matteo bit his lip, bouncing on his toes a little. He was trying as hard as he could to ignore the urge that was telling his legs to kick out and his head to shake and his tongue to click.

It was inevitable that it would all start, though, and it did, slowly and quietly enough that at first David ignored it, but it became hard to when Matteo would click his tongue and then stop, realizing how loud it was, and then do it again, and then stop again, just because he couldn’t hold it back.

He only really stopped when he heard a quiet, “Oh my god,” from his desk, and he whipped around at the same time that David snapped, “Matteo, can you just stop, please? I can’t even hear what I’m working on.”

Matteo snapped his mouth shut and felt his stomach clench at the words, and he stopped in his tracks. He stared at the back of David’s head, fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweatshirt with his hands shaking a little, and took a breath.

“Sorry,” he said in almost a whisper, climbing back onto the bed, “I’ll stop.”

David didn’t respond, and Matteo sat still for a moment, his mind suddenly so full and cluttered that he had to physically shake his head out a few times, and he clasped his hands behind his back and laid back on his arms, pinning them under himself. It would stop him from moving, and the pressure eased a bit of the twitch under his skin.

He didn’t realize that he had started humming until David closed the lid of his laptop loudly, and Matteo startled at the sound before rocking up into a sitting position so he could watch David take a deep breath. He wanted to apologize but the entire situation was uncharted territory; David had never reacted so negatively to him stimming, to any aspect of Matteo being autistic, and it was making it hard for Matteo to think of enough words to make a sentence that would make sense outside of his own head. 

“I- um,” David said, his voice quiet but with an underlying anger that made Matteo tense up even more, and he watched David grab his phone before saying, “Um, Laura just texted me. She wants me to come home.”

Matteo could see from where he was that David hadn’t opened his phone, and the screen had no notifications on it, and felt his eyes pop open when he realized that David was trying to lie so he could leave. David still wasn’t facing him as he slid his laptop into his bag, and Matteo snorted before biting his lip and nodding.

“Laura texted you. Yeah, okay,” he said, not trying to hide the tone of his voice, “that’s what you’re going with?”

David stopped and turned to him, and Matteo could see a mixture of anger and obvious guilt on his face.

“Matteo-”

“No, it’s fine,” Matteo said, getting out of his bed, feeling too overwhelmed and upset and angry in a way he had never felt towards David to stay sitting down, and he crossed his arms tight over his chest and looked just to the side of David’s face and said, “I know I’m annoying. Next time just don’t fucking come over. Better than lying to me about having to leave.”

He turned away after saying it, and grabbed one of his pillows, clenching his fingers tight in the material as he heard David gather his stuff after a minute, and get out of the chair. He didn’t want to watch David pause at the door before leaving after saying nothing. Matteo lit the joint the second he was alone, and tried to ignore the angry tears that were on his cheeks. 

The next day, Matteo moped. He was allowed to. He knew that David wasn’t perfect, but he had been pretty fucking closet to it up until the previous night. He hated how it felt to be angry at David, because he was more sad than anything. He waited the whole day for David to text him, and when he didn’t, he smoked another joint and left his room to find Hans.

He was more shocked than Hans was that he was the first person Matteo chose to go to, but he knew he was in good hands when Hans tutted after hearing the basics of the fight and said, “Even the good ones are trash. Come, let’s drink some tea and you can complain about it.”

Matteo got comfortable at the table as Hans started brewing the tea, his fingers tapping gently on the table in front of him. Hans set the mugs down and Matteo watched the steam waft off of the tea for a minute before looking up at Hans, and starting to talk. Hans huffed and shook his head and hummed sympathetically in all the right places, and didn’t care that by the end of the story Matteo’s knee was bouncing against the bottom of the table and he was shaking his head in little twitches every other word. 

“You know that David loves you, and that he was having a shitty day yesterday. And you know that on an normal day he wouldn’t have said anything.” Hans said, trying to reassure Matteo, who just sighed and looked down at the table.

“Yeah, that didn’t make it okay for him to lie to me though,” Matteo said, knowing that it wasn’t the biggest lie in the world, but he couldn’t stop the way it made something in his chest tighten up. 

“No, of course not, butterfly,” Hans said, reaching out to put a hand on top of Matteo’ s but placing it on the table in front of him instead, “David’s a sweetheart, but he’s still a man.”

Matteo snorted, and took his phone out of his pocket when it buzzed. He saw a message from David saying, matteo, im so sorry about what happened last night. im a fucking idiot. can i come over so we can talk?

Matteo showed the message to Hans, who hummed as he read it and muttered, “At least he knows,” and then looked up at and smiled gently at Matteo and said, “you should probably say yes. Better to talk sooner rather than later.”

Matteo nodded and sent back okay, and got up to put his mug in the sink and told Hans he was going to wait in his room. He was nervous, and still upset, and he got so in his own head while he was waiting that he missed David’s text, and the buzzer, and only knew David was there when he heard a knock on his door, Hans having let David in.

He took a deep breath and shook his hands out before going to open it, and he tried to keep his face as neutral as possible despite the nerves that were making his tongue feel too big for his mouth.

“Hey,” David said, his face tilted to the ground and his voice quiet, and Matteo looked at his face before his eyes dropped to David’s hand that was gripping tightly to the strap of his bag, and David took a small step forward and asked, “can I come in?”

Matteo nodded and stepped back, letting David walk passed him into the room. He closed the door before turning around, and watched David take of his jacket before standing in the middle of the room looking uncomfortable. Matteo sighed and moved over to the bed, sitting and crossing his legs and twisting his fingers up in the fabric of his blanket. David sat in front of him and mirrored his position, but with his hands in his lap.

“Matteo,” he said, and then sighed, and then looked up at Matteo’s eyes as he said, “I was an asshole last night. Yeah, I was in a bad mood, but that didn’t give me the excuse to talk to you like that. Or,” he said, looking off to the side and poking his tongue into his cheek before turning back, “or to lie to you. That was fucked up. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you?” Matteo asked, his fingers grabbing around his own ankles and squeezing, and when David tilted his head at his question Matteo shook his head and said, “Lie. Why did you lie? You could have told me the truth. I know I was being annoying, you didn’t need to make up some excuse to get away from me.”

“You weren’t being annoying, that’s the thing,” David said, sitting up a little more as he explained, “you were just doing what you had to do. And I was in a bad mood, and yeah, maybe it wasn’t helping, but I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t want to be around you because you were stimming.”

“I wouldn’t have thought that, if we had talked about it at all,” Matteo said, “yeah, it’s something I have to do, but I’m not stupid David, i know that it can be annoying. And that’s okay. You do annoying shit too. We’re both people, it happens. Just fucking tell me next time, and I’ll either figure out something else to do or you can leave. I won’t be mad if you’re working on a film and you can’t do it here because I’m jumping up and down and whistling fucking Nintendo music.”

David smiled a little at that, before sighing, and he looked up at Matteo again and said, “I know you’re not stupid. I don’t know why I didn’t just fucking talk to you.”

“Because you’re a man, which makes you a fucking idiot,” Matteo said, reaching out to punch David’s knee and smirking a little when David looked back up at him, “Hans taught me that last night.”

“Oh, you talked to Hans about it,” David said, nodding his head, “that explains why he seemed pissed when he let me in.”

“Yeah, sorry about him,” Matteo said, and then looked up at David’s face and frowned a little, and quietly said, “I really don’t like being mad at you.”

“I’m sorry I made you mad.” David said, reaching out and putting a hand on Matteo’s knee slowly so Matteo could stop him if he wanted. The touch made something twist in Matteo’s torso, and without saying anything he scooted forward on the bed until he was in David’s lap, and he curled up tight as David sighed and wrapped his arms around him. 

“Don’t do it again,” Matteo said, only half joking as he jabbed a finger into David’s side to emphasize his point. He smiled at David’s quiet laugh, and cuddled closer into David’s chest when he felt David lean down to kiss him on the forehead. 

[nightsysdoesart]

yeah so

so i had a mental health crisis last night and didn’t go to bed until after 5:30 and i wrote this sort of as a coping thing. it was really cathartic, but as you might guess, it’s really depressing. tws in the tags

The first 1k words are some fluff and the last 1k are all depressing. I pulled most of this from my real life, with some changes (obviously. i mean, i am sitting here typing this) yes the people in this are based off people i know/knew irl

reader discretion advised, this is really sad and upsetting. i just wanted to post it to get it out of my saved writings that never see the light of day. plus i spent all night on this.

2241 words

She’s talking, hands flapping excitedly as she infodumps about butterflies and moths, lepidopterans, she calls them. She’s loud and expressive and bubbly, the opposite of me. Maybe that’s why I love her so much. Love. What a crazy thing, the chemicals in your brain firing in such a way when you meet the right person that you’re willing to do anything for them. People pass on the sidewalk in front of us, and kids play on the playground behind us. Leaves crunch under their feet, and our breaths are visible in the cool autumn air. Laughter and chatter echo through the park.

Her curly hair shines in the dying afternoon light. It seems to be getting dark earlier and earlier. Her eyes are bright, though. They shine with excitement as she tells me about the coloring patterns of poisonous butterflies, how they warn animals away, and how some non-poisonous species mimic the poisonous ones to survive. I feel my lips curve into a smile, her enthusiasm infectious. My eyes snag on her mouth, moving quickly as she speaks so fast I can barely keep up. Her lips, always so quick to tilt into a smile, make everything out to be the best it possibly can be. Always so quick to offer reassurance and a positive comment. The best part of this world I’ve been condemned to.

Police sirens startle both of us, her hand flaps turning nervous as she goes silent. They fade into the distance, and I quickly sign to her, trying my best to reassure her. It takes a few minutes, but her breathing goes back to normal. I sign and question, and she nods. I put my hand on her shoulder, hoping to reassure her with touch. She turns to me, looking at my shoulder as I watch her chin. It starts to wobble after a second, and I gently pull her into my arms as she collapses into my chest. I play with the ends of her hair as she sobs, coming down from the adrenaline shock of fear.

I press my eyes closed as a breeze comes through, threatening to make my eyes water. She shivers, and I wrap my arms more fully around her, dipping my chin to lean my head on her. Her hair smells like her hair products. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s inexplicably her. Through both of us adjusting to get more comfortable, she ends up in my lap. Her shaking slows down, and she looks up at me. I offer her a small smile and cup her cheek with my hand. She leans into it and closes her eyes, being absolutely adorable. I clench my gut at the onslaught of emotion I feel when her lips curve into a small smile. She looks happy and content. With me. Because of me.

But I can’t keep this up. I can’t keep her safe. Not from everything that’s going on. Not from the world that will keep hurting her, for no fault of her own. I can’t protect her, keep her smile on her face. I will inevitably fail. This is a situation I can’t succeed in. I’m bound to disappoint her. I don’t want to fail her; she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. If only I could do better, be better, then I could make sure she was never sad or in pain. If I could do more, I could make sure she didn’t have to deal with racists, misogynists, queerphobes… I could make her happy, always. I could make sure the smile never left her face and make sure she had everything she ever wanted.

Her eyes flutter open, catching on my ear. She asks a question I don’t fully process. She noticed me tensing up, drifting away in my mind. I shrug my shoulders, wanting to savor this moment with her rather than dive into it right now. She seems to understand, falling silent again. This time, it’s a comfortable, companionable silence. She leans her head against my shoulder, and I rub her cheek with my finger. Sometimes the world gets so fast I forget to stop and appreciate what I have. What I don’t deserve. What I won’t always have.

I press a kiss to the crown of her head and feel one of her arms disentangling from around me to happy stim. I suppress a smile and press another to her forehead, another to her nose. She lifts her head a bit, guessing my next question. I still ask, though. I tap the corner of her mouth with my pointer finger, and she nods, smiling and happy stimming a bit more. I grin, feeling my mouth go lopsided as I close my eyes and press my lips to her.

Every time feels like the first time.

Nevermind the facts that it’s only been a handful of times. I will treasure every kiss I get from her. They are gifts, and I can’t be more grateful. Kisses from her feel like how looking at outer space feels when you’re in an area with low light pollution. I feel simultaneously small and in awe and wonder of how something, someone, so amazing could exist. And I have the honor of being here, at this moment, to experience it.

It doesn’t feel like the fireworks and explosions I’ve read; it feels like a quiet night where you might see a shooting star, but even more importantly, you’re sitting on a blanket with the one you love as the sky blazes purple and blue with twinkly lights here and there. I learned all about the constellations when I was younger, but I can’t sign to her while she looks up. I wish I could infodump to her the same way she does to me. I wish I was verbal like her; I wish I could take the words in my brain and put them in other people’s ears.

Her phone goes off, buzzing against my thigh as we separate. Her face dims as she reads the text. She lets me know she has to go as she stands and collects her bag. I stand up too, opening my arms as an invitation for one last hug. She takes me up, wrapping her arms around my midsection. I lean down a little to rest my head on hers, closing my eyes as I savor the moment. She pulls back, and I mirror, expecting her to leave, but she surprises me with another kiss. I happy stim as well, thumbing the spinner ring on my finger as I kiss her back. I try to memorize the feel of her lips on mine, her hands on my back, her curly hair in my fingers, our bodies pressed together- nevermind the fact I won’t have the memories for too much longer.

I do my best to make her last memory of me a good one. We break apart and I sign to her how much I love her, no matter what. She smiles and signs back, still learning. She waves goodbye and heads down the street to her apartment. I picked this park for our last meeting place so I wouldn’t have to worry about her getting home safely. This city isn’t as bad as others, but there are always bad people. I watch as she strides confidently down the sidewalk, a look I’ve seen more and more on her as we’ve been together longer. She’s grown so much, gotten so much happier- which is why I need to do this before I ruin it. Before I hurt her like I always do with those I love. Once she’s out of sight, I head back towards my apartment. It’s several blocks away, and I use that time to run over my plan in my head, to ensure that there will be no hiccups. I switch my music to instrumental and try to relax.

It doesn’t work, though, as I fumble with my keys and nearly drop them trying to get my door open. My hands are shaking so badly it takes me four tries to get the key in the lock. What am I, scared? No, I’m ready for this. I’ve come close many times, but this is the time. I’m going to do it tonight.

I swallow a handful of ibuprofen and down another glass of water. I’ve been drinking a lot more water than I usually do the past few days. Sparkling water, of course, I have sensory issues with plain water. I turn on the spout in the bathtub, getting it warm but not too hot. I grab some candles, lighting them to help me feel more relaxed. I put a bath bomb in the slowly filling tub for the same reason. Switching my music to the speakers placed strategically around the small space, I wander into the kitchen for a knife and sharpener. I change into a swimsuit because fully clothed would feel weird, but my dysphoria is bad enough to unsettle me right now.

Moving to the bathroom, I sit on the edge of the bathtub with my feet in the water as it slowly rises. I work on sharpening the blade as my hands shake uncontrollably. I sigh, setting down the knife and sharpener to move to the kitchen. It takes a minute of digging, but I find the bottle of vodka I had put back there in case I needed it. I squirt a ton of water flavoring in; I’ve never loved the flavor of alcohol. I take a sip and put in some more flavoring.

Making my way back to the tub, I find that it’s mostly full. I set the blade on the ledge of the tub and slide in, sighing at the warmth. Picking up the vodka bottle that’s now filled with green liquid, I take a big gulp, the liquid burning as it goes down. I keep sipping as I think. I let my mind fill with thoughts of her as the tub finishes filling with water. I push the remains of the bath bomb around with my finger, watching the colors trail out of it. Rainbow colors, like the colors of all the dresses she wears. Rainbow colors, like all the colors she’s dyed her hair. Bright and wonderful, like her. 

She’ll be happier with me gone. She’ll be able to find someone new, someone who can say “I love you” out loud. Someone who can infodump verbally, someone who can do all the things I can’t. She deserves someone more, someone who is better. She’s better off without me; the whole world is. With that in mind, I pick up the knife and start cutting. Right arm first. I dig in, barely feeling the pain. It’s bleeding a lot, which is good. But I can’t really see if I’m cutting in the right place or not, so I just keep pressing the knife in deeper until it hurts too badly to continue. I don’t know if I hit the artery or not, but it’s bleeding pretty heavily, so I’ll leave it at that. I dunk my hand in the water, watching as blood swirls and dissipates in the water. More blood comes out of my wrist immediately, which is a good sign.

I switch my knife to the other hand and immediately drop it into the water, my hand wet and slippery. I fish it out and dry my hands off with the bath towel hanging on the wall. I sip some more alcohol, hoping to get deeper on my other wrist. I take a deep breath and check the time on my phone. Good, I have plenty of time before my roommate will be home. I pick up the blade again and start on the other wrist, the shaking worse than before. Now, I feel every little movement in my right wrist, and it’s not responding normally; I think I nicked the tendons in there. My usual coordination is gone, and I’m glad I did my non dominant hand first.

I’m getting kind of lightheaded, and I’m not entirely sure why, but I just keep going. I’m not going to let some dizziness stop me. I’m doing this, and I’m doing it now. 

Spots swim in front of my eyes as I start breathing faster, almost like I’m hyperventilating. I try to remember my breathing exercises, but I can’t remember what counts they were. Was it four in or seven in? Why can’t I remember? I’ve literally used this same exercise for most of my life. Am I? What am I… ? Something slips from my hand, there’s noise in the background. A splash and noise, radiating pain and- what’s going on? I just wanted to hit quit. Why do I have to put so much work into it?

My head drops, and I can’t keep my eyes open. Am I? Why am I in the bathtub with my swimsuit? There’s a noise that won’t stop. I know it from somewhere. Over the throbbing of my head and the sound of my breath, I hear the front door unlocking. Why is my roommate home so early?? Oh well, they’ll leave me alone for a little bit. I can’t see anything; the pain is gone, there’s nothing to sense. The sound bounces in my head. The video chat ringtone I set for her, echoing off into the void.

[bringmemyanxietea]

The Disappearance of Logan Sanders

WARNINGS: Major character death, anxiety attacks, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, mentions of cancer, graphic depictions of death and gore, a little bit of homophobic/transphobic bullying, child abuse, sympathetic Deceit (this is dark yall, please be safe and don’t read if this could potentially trigger you)

Word Count: ~8615

Characters: Logan, Virgil, Roman, Patton, Deceit, Emile (minor), Remy (minor)

Relationships: Platonic all around except for established Remile

Summary: They were once the best of friends until they weren’t. But soon they’ll have to reconcile to find their missing piece.

~~~~~~~~~~

It had all begun long before any of them knew, really. A friendship stemming from their births being all within the same day, all in the same town. Yet none of them would really come to believe such a thing as fate could predict their friendship. 

“You’re an idiot.” Logan deadpanned, staring at his painfully idiotic friend who was currently hacking and coughing from choking on a marshmallow, which he had attempted breathe instead of eat. On purpose of course, because that was just who Roman was.

“Aw, come on Lolo, he was just trying to be creative!” And then there was Patton who was about as smart as Logan, only not. His emotions typically overrode his intelligence.

Sighing, the bespectacled kid turned his gaze away from his two friends, instead, focusing on a group of birds that had been chirping particularly loud. “Remind me again why we decided to make our ‘secret hideout’ here in the middle of the woods where several pests live?”

Logan watched as Patton pouted at his reference to animals being pests. Really who could blame him though? Apparently, Patton, that’s who.

They were just a group of kids who found solace in each other.

Then, towards the end of sixth grade, Virgil Night had moved to their small town and wormed his way into their lives.

The poor boy had just appeared one day, and nobody knew anything about him. It didn’t take long for rumours to start and spread like wildfire.

“I heard he’s actually a changeling and was sent to replace a human child!”

“No, he’s a demon sent to find the sinners and drag them to hell.”

“Are we talking about the new kid? Mommy says he was abandoned because he's full of bad blood…”

Of course, Patton was completely averse to rumours and had instead marched right up to the shy kid and introduced himself. After that it had been set in stone that Virgil was now one of them. They had his back and he had theirs.

That was the way it had always been. Through their many years of friendships, they always had each other’s backs, and they knew it. 

Because when Patton had decided that he was more than just a boy, and sometimes not a boy at all, they were all there when his blood wasn’t. They were there to support who he was whenever. Whether Patton was he, she, or they. They were there when no-one, not even Patton, was.

Because when Roman had come to them saying he was gay, they didn’t shame him or treat him differently. And when their friend later came out again as aromantic, they still supported him. Because no matter who he loves or how he loved, Roman was theirs to love and care for. 

Because when Logan had decided to trust them with his neurological disorder and picky habits, they did not turn him away or shut him down. They changed, yes, but only in a way that best supported Logan’s needs. Logan was still himself, and knowing this side of him would not change that.

Because when Virgil’s adoptive parents were over-bearing or less than accommodating, they were there to hold him as he cried. They learned how to care for their anxious friend, and despite never knowing his past, they still loved and trusted him to be a part of their small family.

They were all freaks and their family was small and broken, but it was good. And in that moment, that was all they needed.

They only needed each other, and so they were always there for each other.

…

Until they weren’t.

~*~

“What is wrong with you? You could have been killed!” Logan screeched from where he was pacing back and forth, his hands flapping in an attempt to soothe himself. Normally he would try to get control over his stimming, but he was far too worked up to care about what others may think about his behaviours.

Roman scoffed, watching as Virgil carefully applied bandages to the wounded areas on his body. “And you say I’m overdramatic!” He muttered, rolling his eyes at the offended noise Logan had attempted to choke back. 

Thinking back, maybe it hadn’t been the best decision to climb an old tree that was already dead and waiting for a reason to crumble and snap, but Logan didn’t have to freak out about it. He was acting like his parents, as if he could tell him what to do and not to do.

Besides, he was celebrating his freedom. They had all officially graduated from high school meaning they were free from the clutches of education! Well, except for college and Logan who was a never ending pool of knowledge.

“Were you trying to prove something, Roman? Are you really that careless about yourself? Or do you want to die?” Roman heard Virgil’s breath hitch at that sentence and frowned. They all knew that was a sensitive subject for Virgil. “Is that it? Do you want to kill yourself? Is that why you do all these idiotic and-”

“Just shut up Logan, your voice is annoying!” As soon as the words had left his mouth, he regretted it. The air around them had gone stagnant, leaving a foul taste in the back of his mouth.

“What?”

Roman knew he should have just shut up right then, but he was just itching or a fight. His parents hadn’t left him alone about being productive with his life and Logan’s rant had left him restless.

“I said, your voice is annoying!” He screamed, pushing himself up to stand with his chin held high. “Besides, at least I take risks.” He snarked, staring at Logan challengingly

“I fail to see how that makes you any more superior to me, if anything it just shows how much intelligence you lack,” Logan replied, his voice calm even as his brows furrowed.

Had it been any other day, Roman would have brushed it off as Logan being Logan, but he was so sick of people undermining him just because he wasn’t some prodigy or straight-A student. “It makes me superior because at least I don’t have to have exact matching socks to function like a human being.” He smirked, watching as Logan bristled at his comment.

It was then that Patton had made an attempt to calm the situation down before it escalated beyond snarks and rude banter. Yet any attempts he had made were foiled by either Logan or Roman who failed to heed their friend’s warnings.

That last comment had quite literally left Logan speechless and struggling to find words. Whether that was because he was merely struggling with his disorder or because Roman had actually outwitted him for once, he didn’t know. But he could now say he had rendered the oh so amazing Logan, speechless.

Roman had just begun to turn around, his face smug in his success, when Logan had finally gotten his words to form. “At least I’m not some broken, heartless creature who can’t love. Like a tin man with no heart. A simple being with a simple brain.”

The air had suddenly become much more tense and charged with emotion as Roman went stock still, his back facing his friends as his fists clenched at his sides. A humourless chuckle slipped past his lips as he ducked his head slightly.

“Roman I…” Logan had begun.

“Save it. You know what you said and you meant it.” He suddenly whirled around, his face flushed with anger and a fire in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m fucking broken, but so are you asshole!” He yelled, storming up to Logan prepared to throw punches.

“You are so fucking broken Logan. More so than me, the guy who can’t love. You are more broken than Patton who can’t fucking decide who he is! And you are even more broken than Virgil who was thrown out by his own parents and is still thought to be sent from hell!” His voice echoed around them, causing all three of his friends to flinch.

Virgil and Patton held each other’s hands while the entire ordeal went down, both feeling just as broken as Roman claimed them to be. Yes, they’d claimed that they were all freaks, but not once had it been used against them in such a way. Not by those that truly mattered anyways…

“Because you know what, Mr. I’m so perfect and smart? You can’t even function on a good day! You are just one giant fuck up that can’t begin to understand that you shouldn’t even exist!”

The two friends stared at each other, one breathing heavily from the pent up anger he’d just released, while the other merely stared blankly through his friend.

Virgil and Patton watched with bated breath, waiting for Logan to lash back, or maybe throw a punch. They were waiting for something to happen, anything that would break the tense air around them.

It had seemed like forever before Logan had snapped out of his daze like state and turned around to stalk away from the group of friends. ”That’s right, run away you coward! Fuck you and your friendship! I don’t need you!” Roman shouted at Logan’s retreating form, before snapping around to face the two trembling boys who had watched the whole scene unfold in horror.

“I don’t need any of you.” He snarled before running back towards the town, the opposite way Logan had left, leaving the two men and a broken friendship behind, crushed beneath his harsh and heavy words

~*~

After the incident, Logan and Roman refused to interact with each other, or anything relating to the other man. Thus, by extension, they refused to interact with either Virgil or Patton. 

Within a day, a lifetime’s worth of trust and friendship had been shattered to pieces and thrown in their faces, like some sort of sick joke. It had left them all scarred and wounded. Yet Virgil and Patton had refused to allow their bond to break.

Or so they’d thought. 

Truthfully, neither Patton nor Virgil had been anywhere close to okay after the incident. The wounds were too fresh and deep to be healed by a few hugs and calming words, yet they had tried. They had tried to smile through the pain and pretend like nothing was wrong. Like they weren’t missing half of what made them whole.

They had tried so hard to make two people enough. 

Eventually, though, enough had been enough.

A couple weeks after the entire ordeal, Patton had burst into Virgil’s room in tears, crying and apologizing profusely. At the time, Virgil had been confused as to why his best friend was crying crocodile tears and apologizing to him. But soon it had made sense as Patton said goodbye to him, leaving him behind just like Roman and Logan had.

It was at that point that Virgil realized: their four had become one. He was alone again, just like when he’d first moved to the small town.

His eyes scanned the room full of painful memories that had once brought him so much joy, landing on a picture of the four of them fresh out of school, celebrating their newfound freedom with each other. Then, with a scream of anguish, he snatched up the picture frame and chucked it at the closest wall before sinking to his knees. Hot, fresh tears spilled down his cheeks as he openly sobbed on the floor of his room.

~*~

Months passed, and within that time, Virgil had packed his things and left that cursed town behind in an attempt to forget the painful memories that had occurred within it. He still remembered the day he left.

Screaming and yelling, broken glass, and tears.

After Patton had decided to leave him too, he’d packed everything that meant nothing to him and left, leaving the memories and pieces of his life behind to rot. He didn’t need the reminders of what he’d lost.

Unfortunately for him, he’d forgotten just how capable the past was of catching him.

It had been a completely normal day when he’d gotten the phone call.

“Hello?” 

“Virgil Night?”

His brows furrowed as he glanced at his phone which was tucked between his shoulder and cheek as he struggled to focus on either of his tasks. “Who wants to know?”

A chuckle sounded from his phone, “My apologies, my name is Ethan Lyre. I’m Logan’s cousin.”

Virgil froze in his movements, his face going white as a sheet at the second name. He quickly dropped his writing utensil, grabbing the phone with his hand as he snarled, “Leave me alone!”

He was about to hang up when the other man screamed out, “Wait! Please! I know you guys had a falling out, but please just hear me out…” He stared at his phone, debating the pros and cons of hanging up then and there.

Damn his curiosity. “Fine,” he gritted out.

He could hear a sigh of relief. “Thank you. I’m really sorry about calling you but my cousin wasn’t exactly the best at making friends, and you were the only one I could find info on.” Virgil rolled his eyes because that was one way to put it.

“Look, I’ll just get to the point. Logan’s missing.” 

“Oh really? Did you-” He was cut off by a growl before the other man yelled at him to shut up, an order which he obeyed.

“I haven’t seen him in months! He just left the house one day, no bag or anything and never showed back up. I’ve called the police and everything, but they think he ran away.”

Virgil stayed silent.

“I just, I know my cousin. He needs order in his life. He wouldn’t have left everything behind if he had run away. That’s not how he works. He’s smart, and he left all of his money and everything at home.” The other man continued, his voice becoming thick with emotion as he talked.

“What do you want me to do about it?” He asked, receiving a hoarse chuckle in response.

“Wow, I knew you guys had fought, but maybe he was right to-”

This time it had been Virgil to cut Ethan off, “Shut up asshole. You have no idea what happened between us!” He exhaled, leaning back in his chair as he clenched his eyes shut. “I just don’t know how I’m supposed to help.”

“Would it be possible for you to come down here? I’m hoping that maybe you’d have an idea on where he disappeared to. Or at least find something that shows he didn’t just run away. I miss my cousin Virgil, I just want him back safe.” Ethan said, and Virgil could hear the desperation in his voice.

His mind took a moment to process all the information that had been shoved onto him. He didn’t want to go back there. He didn’t want to face all the painful memories and emotions he’d tried to bury.

“I’ll see you soon.” With that he hung up, not giving the other man a chance to speak again.

Looks like it was time to face the music.

That night, he’d quickly packed a couple bags of necessities such as clothes, a couple chargers, some toiletries, and money. He’d also spent a fair amount of time searching for his old friends. Patton was the hardest to find as he’d almost completely disappeared off the map, while Roman had been easy, having already begun making a name for himself in the entertainment industry.

Taking a glance at his phone, he realized it was getting late. Tomorrow. The journey would begin tomorrow. For now, he needed to rest in preparation for the onslaught of emotions he was bound to face.

~*~

Patton had made a small home in her one-bedroom apartment in Illinois after she’d left her hometown. She’d found a full-time job as a cashier at one of the retail stores in the area, and while it wasn’t the job she’d wanted, it paid the bills, so she couldn’t really complain.

What she hadn’t expected was for a certain person from her past to show up at her job in the middle of her shift. 

She had glanced at the items she was scanning, taking note that it was mostly junk food and energy drinks. “Is that all for you today?” She queried as she typed a code into her computer.

“Actually, I was hoping I could borrow a moment of your time.” She froze, the timbre voice awakening unwanted memories within her. Her blue eyes slowly rose to meet a pair of onyx ones. “Hi Pat, long time no see.” The small quirk of his lips wasn’t a happy one, rather a dry, humourless smile that left Patton on the verge of tears.

“I, uh, my break starts in about 15 minutes, if you want to, you know…” She gulped, trying not to burst into tears right then and there.

“Yeah... Here,” he handed over the money for his groceries before grabbing the bags, not even bothering to wait for his change.

Patton watched as her old friend stalked away from her, not even stopping to look back. She couldn’t help but wonder if this was what Virgil felt when Patton had turned her back on him.

She heard someone clear their throat and snapped back to reality, apologizing before finishing up the transaction and carrying on in with her normal routine, now troubled by thoughts of her past.

It had ended up being closer to 20 minutes before she’d actually been able to go on break. When she’d walked outside, her eyes had immediately snapped to the dark clothed man sitting on the curb. With only the slightest bit of hesitation, she’d walked over and sat beside him.

The two sat in comfortable silence for a while, watching as cars passed by. 

“I missed you.” She said, her voice only trembling slightly.

She could hear Virgil’s breath hitch and saw him curl into himself from the corner of her eye. “You’re the one that walked out.��� His voice was filled with malice as he spoke.

Patton smiled wryly, “I know.”

And just like that, they had been launched back into a comfortable silence, both of them finding comfort in it. They didn’t need words to understand where the other was coming from. However, Patton knew there was probably more to Virgil’s visit than just catching up like old friends.

Apparently Virgil also knew that the conversation was inevitable.“Logan’s missing.” Patton glanced over at him, confused. “Ethan contacted me yesterday, said Logan just vanished one day, didn’t even bother to take anything with him beside a cellphone.” He sighed, resting his head on his knees. 

“The police seem to think he ran away, but I’ve gotta agree with his cousin. That just doesn’t seem like Logan.”

Patton pursed her lips in thought before speaking, “Well then, maybe we didn’t know him that well…”

“Don’t give me that shit, Patton. Not right now.”

She sighed but nodded her assent. 

“I’m on my way back there. Figured I’d see if I could contribute to the search. It’s stupid, but I can’t seem to bring myself to hate him for what happened. I can’t hate any of you.”

Tears welled in her eyes as she watched her old friend’s walls crumble. “I'm so sorry Virgil.”

Virgil shook his head, a laugh slipping past his lips. “You don't need to apologize Pat. I forgave you long ago. Actually, I don’t think I ever blamed you. It was bound to happen, it was just a matter of who broke first.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right…”

They once again fell into silence until Patton’s alarm went off, signifying that her break was over. “I’ve got to get back to work, but would you mind if I came with you?” She asked, her words quiet and hesitant.

“Sure Pat, I’m leaving tomorrow morning. Just meet me here at 6 if you still want to come.”

Patton nodded, staring at Virgil sadly for a moment before making her way back inside the store to finish up her day and let her manager know she was taking a few weeks off. That conversation hadn’t gone well and ended with Patton telling her that she could give her the days off or she could fire her. Honestly, she didn’t really care. 

Sometimes there were more important things to take care of.

~*~

Virgil had shown up at the store parking lot thirty minutes earlier than he’d planned, but who could blame him. His entire life had been on a fucking rollercoaster into hell and he was just trying to make the best of the horrible experience.

His eyes scanned the mostly empty parking lot. The sky was still dark, the sun not yet willing to announce its presence. The street lamps cast an orange glow around the town, giving Virgil a sense of foreboding.

He didn’t like it.

He leaned against his car humming under his breath as he waited for Patton to show up. 

He had gotten through three songs in his head before he saw a figure walking in the distance. His form tensed, ready to engage in his fight or flight reflexes if it came down to it. His eyes were glued to the figure, waiting for any sign of a threat. However, his body soon relaxed as the person came close enough for him to recognize the features of the person who was once his best friend.

“Jeez Pat, for a second there, I thought you were some sort of creep or psychopath.” He chuckled under his breath as the other smiled sheepishly. “Did you walk the whole way here?” Patton nodded causing him to sigh. He glances at the other’s outfit, taking note of the pronoun bracelet on his left wrist that displayed “HE/HIM <3” proudly.

“I don’t really have the money to afford a car…” He admitted, embarrassed by his lack of financial wealth, especially since it seemed like Virgil was doing great in that department.

“Well, I guess that means you’re riding with me then, huh?” 

“I hope you don’t mind, kiddo. I honestly forgot to even mention it, what with the whole sudden reunion and everything. If you really don’t want to be stuck in a car with me though, I understand. I can just catch a bus or something! It’s really not-” He was cut off as Virgil raised his hand.

“It’s fine Patton, just let me clear out the passenger set. And leave self-deprecation to me, it doesn’t suit you.” He said, moving to the other side of the car to begin shuffling things around, trying to avoid looking at the pouting man beside him.

“There you go, I’ll go ahead and put your bag in the trunk unless there’s something you need in there?”

“Oh, no, that’s fine! Just a few outfits and whatnot.” He nodded, grabbing the handle of the suitcase before loading into the trunk, on top of his own luggage. He slammed the door shut before shuffling towards the driver’s side and sliding into his seat.

“Ready to go?” He asked, glancing at Patton who nodded. “Great. I’ve got one last place to stop by before we can meet up with Ethan.” He started the car, pulling out of the parking lot and onto the road.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” It was time to go visit one Roman Prince.

~*~

“Patton, wake up.” The strawberry blonde groaned in response.

“Nooo, ‘m tired!” He whined, his words slurred from sleep.

“Come on Pat, we’re here and I wouldn’t feel right leaving you in the car while you’re sleeping.” 

Virgil watched as the other man finally cracked his eyes open enough to see him. “Oh, hi Virge.” He stared at the barely awake man deadpanned before shaking his head in exasperation.

“Hi Pat, get up, we’ve got things to do.” He said before opening his door and slinking out of the car, his joints popping as he was finally able to stretch out for the first time in hours. His body was stiff from sitting in one position, only making minor movements every so often while driving.

He heard some shuffling before the door on the passenger side popped open, a mop of strawberry blonde curls barely peeking out from over the car roof.

“Where are we?” Patton asked, his voice still heavy from his recent slumber, as his eyes took in the tall building and constant movement around him. His ears were flooded with sounds of car horns and people talking.

“Welcome to Los Angeles,” Virgil muttered, already feeling his anxiety spiking. They weren’t supposed to stay here long, just long enough to find Roman and get out.

~*~

“Are you sure this is the place, kiddo?”

Virgil nodded, not bothering to spare Patton a glance before he pushed forward, opening the doors to the auditorium where a group of people sat on the stage. Some were screaming and yelling about this or that, while others were just quietly staring at the ceiling. What really caught Virgil’s attention, however, was the man standing on the right side of the stage, talking to a group of people as he waved his arms around dramatically.

As soon as the doors slammed shut behind Patton and Virgil, a collection of eyes were on them. The only pair of eyes that mattered at that moment were the ones that belonged to Roman Prince who had gone pale in the face, his brows furrowing in some kind of emotion that Virgil couldn’t decipher.

The pair watched as the actor muttered an excuse to what they assumed to be his friends before he hopped off the stage and began making his way towards them. 

“What are you two doing here?” He seethed, his voice low and controlled as he glared at them.

“Wow, you are angry, aren't you? WHat’s wrong, did we step on your moment?” Virgil snarked back. Patton whimpered from beside him, getting flashbacks from when Logan and Roman had argued.

“Yes, actually, you did, hot topic!” He growled in response.

Virgil smirked and cooed, “Aww you think I’m hot!” He watched as Roman’s shoulder raised out of anger and frustration, almost akin to a cat’s hackles rising.

The pair watched as Roman let out a heavy breath before he asked, “What do you want?”

Patton watched as a mischievous glint flickered in Virgil’s onyx orbs before he spoke, his voice calm and smug, “I want a lot of things. I want to die, try some new foods, win the lottery. Oh! And I want to go back and time and stop you from being a dick!” He smirked at Roman whose face was now flushed bright red with anger.

“Oh, yeah, because you were so innocent in that situation, weren’t you?” The actor snarked back as he began pushing forward, forcing Virgil to step back. “Poor little Virgil, too scared to do anything but stand by and watch the world burn, always ready to place the blame on other people because mommy and daddy didn’t love him!”

Patton saw Virgil flinch as tears began to pool in his eyes. “Roman…” He called out, his voice quiet. Roman, in response, went to lash out at him next, only to be shoved back by Virgil who was now full-on crying.

“Fuck you, Roman. You don’t get to be angry at us for standing by when you called us freaks for being who we are. We tried to get you both to calm down, but you were so upset about your bruised ego and all your goddamn insecurities that you just had to bring everybody else down with you. Because you couldn’t stand to be the only one hurting!” He yelled, his voice hoarse and scratchy as he continued to call Roman out on his behaviours.

The two men stared at each other, one with tears running down his face while the other was frozen with shock and hurt on his features.

“Fuck you…” Virgil muttered before running outside, his body curled in on itself.

Patton stared at the doors before looking back at Roman who was now sitting on the armrest of one of the audience chairs. He watched a variety of emotions flicker across the other’s face before he hesitantly reached out and placed a hand on Roman’s shoulder.

“I really was a dick, wasn’t I?” Patton snorted at the question and patted Roman’s shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

“Yeah kiddo, you were. It’s never too late to make amends though.” Roman nodded dazedly, staring at the floor. “Virgil’s probably going to be gone for a while.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, Patton.” He apologized, looking up at Patton with dewy eyes.

Patton smiled fondly before wrapping his arms around the other man. “It’s alright, kiddo. I forgive you.”

~*~

By the time Virgil had made it back to the auditorium, Patton had already filled Roman in on the situation and why they had decided to reunite in the first place. The actor wouldn’t admit it, but he was a little bit upset that they hadn’t just randomly decided to be friends again just for the sake of being friends.

As soon as Roman had caught sight of the anxious man, he’d begun apologizing profusely. “I’m so sorry, Virgil!”

It had startled Virgil enough for him to let out a yelp of shock before he’d gather his composure and brushed Roman off with a casual, “It’s whatever. Just don’t do it again.” To which Roman nodded enthusiastically.

The group had chatted a bit more about this and that before Virgil realized how late it was getting. He sighed before getting up and stretching once more. “I’m gonna stay at a hotel for the night, but then I think Pat and I are gonna hit the road. Hopefully, we’ll make it there by tomorrow night.” Roman nodded, standing with Patton who was already beginning to drag their feet slightly.

“Unfortunately, I have a show in three days, so I won’t be able to leave until after then, but I shall arrive soon after you both.” He said.

Virgil nodded before turning to leave, Patton already making their way towards the car. Roman hesitated before calling out to the anxious man, “Hey, Virgil?”

Virgil glanced back tiredly, “Hm?”

“Thank you…”

The two stared at each other for a moment, a silent conversation being held in their gazes.

“Whatever you say princey.”

~*~

Patton and Virgil had arrived the day after they had planned on being there and decided to find a place to stay while they waited for Roman to arrive. The past few days had been harsh, emotionally and physically, for all of them. So, Patton had declared it a self-care day. While Virgil had initially deemed it ridiculous, it hadn’t taken much convincing on Patton’s part to get him to go along with the idea.

So they spent the next three days exploring the changes of their old home, which albeit wasn’t much. It was still small and reserved. The middle school had been shut down after a tornado had torn through the gym and they had split the 6th grade into the elementary school while the 7th and 8th-grade students went to the secondary campus.

All in all, it hadn't changed that much. Not that they had expected anything to change at all, it had only been ten months since they were there after all.

The day Roman had arrived, Virgil had called Ethan to announce their arrival, before deciding to meet up at one of the local diners. Said diner was run by probably the only decent people still in the town, Dr.Emile Picani and their partner Remy. 

Emile had been Virgil’s therapist when he first moved to town. He was also the first person to introduce Virgil to the lgbtq+ community, seeing as Emile was genderfluid. Remy was Emile’s significant other who was the equivalent of a coffee-addicted nonbinary racoon who was also high on sass. 

They were also probably the closest thing Virgil has to parents if he’s being honest. They’re probably the closest thing to parents any of them had

As soon as Ethan had spotted them, his face relaxed into a small but worried smile. The trio quickly made their way over to his table, waving at Remy as they passed by the enby. 

“I’m glad you came, Virgil. Same to you, Patton and Roman.” Virgil nodded in agreement while Roman and Patton both voiced their agreements. “Why don’t you three take a seat and I can fill you in on what’s happened.”

Roman and Virgil both sat across from Ethan, while Patton filed in next to the stranger. “I suppose it started not long after you three left town. He’d been irritated, sure, but we all figured that it had been due to the fight and change in his routine.” The three watched as his brows furrowed, his eyes darkening.

“We thought whatever it was, it would fix itself. But then he started leaving the house at random times and doing things that he’s never done.”

“Like what?”

Ethan stared at Roman for a moment processing his question before his face scrunched up in confusion. “It was small things. He would change the order in which he did things like brush his hair before his teeth. Sometimes he would put two different colored socks on before bursting into tears or screaming. Then it began to get worse. His mom caught him trying to climb a tree and he almost fell.”

Roman’s face went white as Ethan continued to speak. “Then one day, he’d gone out and never returned. We thought maybe he was just acting out, but then a week passed and there was no sign of him. His parents called the police, but after a month, they just gave up. Said he was young and stupid. ‘Probably just ran away to get high or drunk off his ass’ they said.”

“Logan isn’t like that though,” Roman interjected, eliciting a chuckle from Ethan.

“That’s what I said. But nobody’s gonna miss some small town fresh outta high school kid who just disappeared. Especially when they’re not a perfect replica of everyone else in this cursed town.” He sighed, leaning back in the booth.

They all knew he was right. This town held no sympathy for anyone who wasn’t a carbon copy of everyone else.

~*~

The next day had been spent gathering information from people in town who may have seen Logan. However, it seemed as if the entire town had forgotten that he had even existed in the first place.

Patton’s eyes filled with tears at the thought that maybe Logan really had been forgotten by everyone in this stupid town. Was that all it took to be forgotten? Disappear for a few months and suddenly you didn’t exist?

They sniffled, rubbing the tears from their eyes as they made their way back towards the diner where Roman and Virgil planned to meet them. They had all agreed to split up, searching in different areas of the town in hope of covering more ground in a timely manner.

Pushing open the door, their eyes immediately fell on the forms of their two friends who were sitting silently at a back table. They made their way over, hesitating before sitting next to Roman, not wanting to make Virgil feel trapped.

The three of them had begun to discuss their findings which were roughly equal to nothing. Roman had thought he may have found something, but apparently, the person he was talking to just wanted Roman’s attention.

During the conversation, Virgil’s phone had lit up and dinged with a notification. The group had ignored aside from watching as Virgil dismissed it with a flick across the screen, however then it dinged again, and again, and again. Patton wished they could just ignore it, but they could see just how much the repetitive sound had caused Virgil to spiral. Casting a glance to their side, it seemed as though Roman had noticed the change in Virgil’s behaviour as well.

Patton watched as Roman reached across the table, laying his hand on top of Virgil’s only for it to be smacked away. Virgil froze, watching as Roman’s brows furrowed. “What is your damage?”

As soon as the words had left his lips, Virgil was up and out of his seat, running out the doors of the diner before either of them could stop him.

Patton had quickly stood up to rush after his friend only to be pushed back by Roman who muttered for them to stay there as he chased after Virgil.

So Patton once again stood by and watched as their friends argued, unable to do anything but stick to the sidelines. When it became apparent that the two men weren’t returning any time soon, they had paid the bill and left the diner, making their way back to the hotel room.

Why couldn’t things just go back to how they were? They wondered as they closed their eyes, completely ignorant to the dark conversation happening with their friends.

~*~

“Virgil!” Roman called out as he chased after his friend. “Virgil, please just calm down and talk to me for once!” Roman stumbled to a stop as Virgil froze in front of him, panting heavily.

“You don’t get to ask that of me. Not after you turned my trust against me once before.”

Roman stared at his friends back for a moment before casting his gaze to the ground beneath his feet. “I know. I just… Virgil, I can’t stand to see you like this. And neither can Patton! We’re both worried about you.”

“Well, you can stop. I didn’t ask for you to worry about me!” He snarled.

“Please, just let me help you.” Roman called out, tears welling in his eyes from frustration. 

Virgil whirled around, storming his way up to Roman before shoving him in the chest, forcing the actor to stumble back. “You want to help so bad? Huh? Are you that desperate to fix something since you can’t fix yourself?” His voice was thick and his words so sharp that they cut Roman up like a knife.

“Well guess what Roman? You can’t fix this. You can’t fix me…” His words had quickly lost their edge, the fire in his eyes dying out as quickly as it started. He stumbled forward, leaning his head on Roman’s shoulder as the other wrapped his arms around his friend.

“What’s wrong stormcloud?” He asked, eliciting a snort of amusement from Virgil.

“That’s a stupid nickname.”

Roman chuckled at the other's remark. “It made you laugh, so it couldn’t be that stupid.” Virgil merely hummed in response before pulling away from the warm comforting embrace.

“You already know that my parents put me up for adoption when I was 12. But that’s not exactly the truth. My mom died when I was 8 from cancer. Dad and I watched her rot away in her bed until one day there was nothing left to rot besides a corpse.” His breath hitched as he recalled the dead look directed straight at him.

“I had gone in to check on her after school one day and she was staring at the doorway, her eyes open but lifeless. Dad didn’t know until he found me curled in the corner of the bedroom screaming into my sleeves.” He sniffled, pulling his sleeves over his hands before wiping at his teary eyes.

“After that, dad couldn’t look at me. Said I looked too much like mom. The only time he’d even glance in my direction was when he was drunk off his ass or high as a kite. Then he’d talk to me like I was my mom. He asked me why I had to die and leave him alone.” 

“I guess one of the neighbours became suspicious and called the police because the next thing I know my dad has me at gunpoint, threatening to shoot me, because he couldn’t lose me again. Because he couldn’t lose my mom again. After that I’d been sent to live with some foster parents until I got adopted. And that’s when I moved here and met you three.”

Roman watched his friend with sad, tear-filled eyes. “Is that why you-”

Virgil quickly caught on to what Roman was hinting at and chuckled before interrupting him. “No, no. I was an anxious mess long before that happened.”

Roman let out a breath of relief at that. He was glad to know that the horrible experience hadn’t completely changed Virgil. Even if his anxiety wasn’t necessarily the best of his traits.

After the emotional conversation, the two had headed back to the hotel where they found Patton already passed out on their bed.

The two quickly said goodnight before parting ways. Not noticing their friend who stiffened in their bed.

~*~

The next day, the group had decided to go hiking in the woods in hopes of finding any trace of where Logan had been heading. The air was humid as they walked a familiar path. It was one they’d walked many times before.

Virgil and Roman walked side by side, trading banter with each other while Patton trailed behind them, alone.

Only yesterday, the two men had been nearly at each other’s throat, yet here they were closer than ever, and Patton was alone again, left unattended in the dust, waiting to be forgotten once again.

“Can you two quit flirting…” He grumbled. Ahead of him, Roman froze, his fists clenching at his sides.

“I don’t flirt, Patton.” His voice was cold as he spoke.

“Really? Because you two seem awfully close for just friends!” He snarks, glaring at the pair.

“What the hell is wrong with you today?”

That had been the straw to break the camel's back. “You are! You two have gotten so close forgetting I even exist! I’ve tried to ignore it, but dang it, I’m sick of feeling so alone!” He felt hot tears spill down his face and gasped at the shocked faces of his friends. With a sniffle he turned and ran through the woods, not bothering to look where he was going. 

“Patton!”

A voice called out followed by the sound of running footsteps. He just kept running. He had to get away! He couldn’t let them see this side of him! He-

A strangled yelp echoed through the woods, coming from behind him, forcing him to stop and glance back at where the noise had come from.

He quickly ran back the way he came, stopping as he noticed a patch of dirt and rocks that slid down into what looked to be a rockslide. “Roman! Virgil!” He called out.

“Patton!” He glanced down at the rock slide before turning to face the owner of the voice. Roman had jogged up to him, his breath coming out in heavy pants as he pulled Patton into a tight hug. “Are you okay?”

Patton choked back a sob as he nodded. “Where’s Virgil?” He asked, his eyes scanning behind Roman. When no sign of their other friend presented itself, he looked back at Roman who was scanning the area around them.

A moment later a sob echoed from below them and realization struck Patton. He quickly knelt down on the ground before calling out, “Virgil!”

“Patton!”

He stared down at the crumbled pile of rocks in horror. “He’s down there…” Roman quickly knelt beside him, talking to him, telling him to do something, but all he could do in that moment was stare down at the dark hole in the  pile of rocks. Where Virgil was.

“Patton!” Roman slapped him, effectively snapping him out of his haze. “I know this is scary, but I need you to go get help, okay? Head back to the town and get emergency services! Tell them what happened. Can you do that for me?” He nodded, earning a small smile from Roman as he did so. He pushed himself up, stumbling to his feet before quickly dashing back to the path before following it back to town.

He could get help. He could do that. For Roman. For Virgil. For Logan.

~*~

Virgil doesn’t really understand how he ended up in the pit of darkness, all he knew was that it was so dark and there was a sweet odor beneath the smell of dirt and vegetation.

His leg hurt and he was pretty sure that it was not supposed to bend that way, but that wasn’t important at the moment. His eyes scanned the dark area in hopes of finding something to distract him from the agonizing pain.

His wish was granted when he spotted a glimmer of something reflecting some of the natural sight a few feet away from him. His eyes strained to see against the dark, but as soon as his eyes adjusted, he wished for the pain to overtake his senses once more.

Because just a few feet away lay the corpse of a young adult wearing worn and torn black polo along with a pair of dark blue jeans. It was only then he noticed the pair of glasses inches away from where he fell and he sobbed.

He had found him. He had finally found Logan.

 His eyes stared at the corpse, unable to look away from the decayed body. The bones protruded out past his clothes that had been torn, likely by wild animals that had feasted on his remains. He could barely make out teeth marks on the bones of his ribs and limbs. Some of the bones were displaced and broken from abuse, and Virgil couldn’t help but wonder if Logan had been alive when the animals had begun to tear him apart.

Judging by the boulder that pinned his leg and the unnatural positioning of his neck, he guessed that it was unlikely. No, he had probably died moments after he’d hit the ground, if not the exact moment his body had collided with the cold stone below him.

Virgil felt his body tremble with sobs that couldn’t slip past the tightness in his throat. His breaths came out in wheezes as he pulled himself forward just enough to grab hold of the crushed glasses, their plastic frame broken and the glass inside completely shattered across the ground.

~*~

Roman had already been worried about his friend being trapped where he could not rescue him, but the sound of sobs coming from the area had him nearly jumping down to join Virgil.

Instead, he leaned forward and called out for his friend, “Virgil?” The sobs didn’t stop.”Virgil, what’s wrong?”

“He’s down he-here Roman! He’s, he-” Virgil’s voice was once again cut off by choked sobs. Roman is confused and worried, because what if Virgil is having a flashback or he’s hallucinating?

“Virgil, I know you’re scared, but you’ve got to calm down and talk to me! Please!” His voice was desperate as he called out to his friend.

He heard a growl come from the rock slide before Virgil’s voice once again rang out and Roman couldn’t help but smile at what he said. “He- I found Logan. He’s down here…”

“That’s great! That-He-” His voice died out as realization struck.”Oh god…” Tears filled his eyes as he stared down at the pile of rocks in horror. If Logan was down there, and he’s been gone for months then…

“Is he…?” He asked, the sobs that followed answer enough. “Dammit!” He yelled as he curled into himself, sobbing.

“He’s down here Roman and I can smell it. I can smell him, and god Roman he’s. His body is-”

“Don’t look at it Virgil!” 

He heard more sobs coming from the caved-in area and couldn’t help but close his eyes in an attempt to stifle the screams that ached to break free from him in anguish. Now was not the time for a breakdown. Not when Virgil was the one stuck down there with a literal corpse.

“Okay, okay…” He mutters to himself before once again calling out to Virgil. “Okay, Virgil! Just close your eyes and listen to my voice, okay?” He tried to reach his friend’s ears through the sobs, but he didn’t know if Virgil had heard him.

“Virgil, listen to me! Close your eyes, okay?” He heard a small voice echo back the last word and sighed in relief.

He took a moment to take a deep breath before he began to sing.

He sang and sang and sang, until he heard footsteps and voices yelling. He sang until someone had grabbed his arm and tugged him away from the steep slide.

Patton was back and Virgil was going to be okay.

But Logan wasn’t. 

Roman took one look at Patton before he burst into tears, crying into the other’s chest.

The rescue services had managed to safely transport Virgil to the hospital and were able to retrieve the body that had laid rotting down there for who knows how long. He and Patton had watched as they pulled the body bag along. They didn’t need to see what was in it to know.

One of the ladies had seen the two of them and handed them the pair of crushed glasses with a sympathetic, sad smile. Roman still didn’t know if he wanted to hug her or punch her for her pity.

The two had walked out of the woods, hand in hand, trying not to break down right then. Soon they would head to the hospital to sit with Virgil, waiting for him to wake up. But first they had to give these glasses back to who they belonged to.

Roman had watched as Patton handed Ethan the pair of glasses. He’d watched as the usually collected man broke down, crumpling to the floor and gripping the plastic frames so gentle yet like they were his lifeline.

They offered their condolences before saying their last goodbye to him. Leaving the man to mourn his loss in peace.

~*~

The hospital had released Virgil 4 days after the incident. Although, Roman wasn’t entirely convinced that Virgil hadn’t bullied the staff into granting him early release.

The funeral was held two weeks after the incident. They had decided that it was only fair that they stick around long enough to attend the funeral of their friend. They had seen Ethan there, only for him to disappear that same day.

The house he’d lived in was empty, completely barren of life and memories. All of it just gone, like that.

That night, Virgil, Patton, and Roman had traveled to the edge of the woods where they planted a batch of forget-me-nots in honor of Logan. They said their goodbyes, shedding many tears before they made their way back to their hotel.

The next morning, Roman would awaken to find Patton asleep and Virgil gone, replaced by a note that stated, “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. But I also wasn’t about to be the one left behind again, so I left first. I know this will sound cruel, and for that, I apologize, but please understand that I never want to see either of you again. Nor do I ever wish to return to that awful place. It’s too much. Too many memories. Still, I wish you both the best. ~Virgil”

Patton and Roman had both chuckled at the note before packing their own bags, sharing one last hug before parting ways one last time.

This was the end of a story, but not theirs.