#you have money WHEN you win the eurovision he says

[tulisydan]

Bojan really said ”Yes.” before Jere could even finish his question about Bojan coming to Finland (if Käärijä wins).

Also Jere being so excited about Bojan’s possible visitation to Finland (if Käärijä wins) that he started to speak Finnish.

[im-a-king-baby]

I was just watching videos of Omar on tour and it reminded me of ELYN. The way he is on stage is so ELYN vibe. I feel like I’m watching the chaos tour haha (minus the negative stuff)

<3 <3 <3 Hiiiii, thank you!!! It's been fun to see all the pictures and videos coming from the concerts and play spot the difference with my mental pictures of Simme. (Sadly I haven't been able to go, very rude of Omar not to go to Australia on his Europe tour. We're in Eurovision! That makes us basically part of Europe.)

Also since you reminded me of it and my November resolution was to try to post more things, here is a Simme Chaos tour snippet that is (mostly) the positive stuff <3 😅

(And for the reblogs, this is a prequel snippet to Everybody Loves You Now @ AO3)

He has his first solo concert in Europe. Not counting the promo events, or the industry shows, or the monopolized Open Mic Nights.

The first show in a concert venue, which was booked in advance, with tickets sold that have his name on them, printed in all-caps.

Of course it’s tiny compared to the stadium they were in last night opening for Ariana. A theatre most used for plays with a single bathroom backstage in place of a dressing room and where Candace had had to drag them all out to the alley where the van was parked for the pre-show pep-talk so they couldn’t be heard on stage over the support act.

But Simon has a support act now. There are other solo shows booked, in and around the Ariana dates. Every day Candace is making calls and emailing contacts and adding things to the calendar pinned up on the inside of the van. Filling up all the gaps.

Which is good. It’s great. They’re gaining momentum and Simon is getting better at jumping from show to interview to show, at catching sleep in bursts crammed between commitments, at finding products that cover up the exhaustion on his face. And now he’s got a solo show, and Candace is In Talks about the second album that he might be able to work with a songwriter to put his own songs on, and he’s in Europe again for the first time in… months.

“This could be the start of bigger things,” Candace had said in the alley, while Simon bounced on his toes to keep warm, already dressed in his show outfit of a black mesh tank and jeans slashed open on the sides. “So drink it all in tonight, we’re only going bigger from here.”

He’d thought he was used to it by now, the noise of the crowd, the sight of phone lights spread out before him like stars, but it turns out it’s different when they’re all there for him. When they’re screaming his name before he’s even stepped on stage, rather than him having to slowly win them over. When he runs out onto the stage and the screaming ramps up and hits like a wall and he can feel the smile stretching at his cheeks that he can’t even pretend to hold back. He might cry, actually has to sniff a few times, turning away from the crowd to pull himself together.

There were so many moments he thought he wouldn’t get to have this. When the label said his songs weren’t good enough, when the graphs showed sales were falling, the shows where he opened and the crowd barely seemed to notice, the phone call in Texas to ask what the plans were for the tour break only to get Rachel’s Assistant ‘Ms McKenzie has decided to cull her list and focus on acts with more commercial appeal.’

“Sim-me! Sim-me! Sim-me!” The crowd chants, falling into rhythm and his heart seems to speed up to match Sim-me Sim-me and it doesn’t matter that it’s three hundred people rather than ten thousand, he spins around to the mic and there’s enough light from the spots and the phones to pick out faces. Girls with glitter dots around their eyes, boys in black eyeliner edged with gold, people in Simme T-shirts, waving signs saying DANCE LIKE THIS, people who came to his show who traveled and paid money and got dressed up because they wanted to see him.

“Oh my god, hi. Hello. Hi. I love you.” There was a script, he thinks, but he has absolutely no idea what it said. It’s only thanks to the set-list taped to the floor by his mic stand that he can even remember what he’s meant to sing. “Hello Cologne. This is the first official show of what I think we’re all agreed is the Chaos Tour.”

They laugh along with him and they cheer and Simon can only hope he’s still capable of singing around this wild, insane grin on his face because it absolutely isn’t going away. “Thank you for coming. Thank you for supporting me. The fact that I’m here, the fact that we can do this at all, is all because of you talking and filming and sharing and streaming and this was my dream for so long I can’t say thank you enough for making it come true.”

The fight is lost, the fight is over, he is absolutely crying as they scream again, someone shouts 'Simmers forever,' and more people shout 'Simme,' and the exhaustion melts away like it was never there.

He’s not cold, or tired, or lonely, or afraid. It feels like getting his song picked for the jubilee, like seeing Wilhelm running after Sara’s car, like everything.

“Now I hope you’re all here to dance,” he says. “Because all of us up here, We Wanna Dance.”

Kevan hits the intro, the backing track hits the beat, and every single person in front of him starts singing. Every word, thrown back at him. Screaming, applauding, chanting his name.

And it’s all worth it. Whatever it takes. To have this.

[because-its-eurovision]

Hi friends🖤

The week after the Esc final was pretty horrible for me mentally. For the first time ever I was physically ill and actually cried because of the results. The result might have been what I expected, but wasn’t expecting to feel so betrayed and let down. I was really worried I’d start spiraling, but I am lucky enough to have you all here, which really helped. I want to say how sorry I am.

I’m sorry that the televoters didn’t get the winner they wanted. I’m sorry for all of you who used their money to vote in vain. I’m sorry for my country not getting the opportunity to host the contest next year, celebrate and show our culture and I’m sorry that I don’t get the opportunity to welcome my mutuals to Finland. I’m so, so sorry for Yle who put up the best national selection of the year and did everything they could to get the best possible result, and it still wasn’t enough. Most of all I’m sorry for Käärijä who gave his all and damn near burned himself out to reach his dream to win Eurovision and then felt like he had failed us.

As the last seven days have gone by, I’ve slowly gone through the stages of grief. Denial that the results can’t be true and believing that they must be rigged. Anger at the nepotism and favouritism. Bargaining, thinking that maybe the Swedish delegation feels bad and lets Finland co-host next year or even gives us the trophy. Depression and fear that we are never going to get this close to winning ever again and this was our only shot. Finally, acceptance that everyone played by the contest’s rules and the end result is what it is.

Yle made a great choice of showing Käärijä’s Ice Hall show live and making it available all around the world. It was the marketplace celebration he wanted and deserved, but even better. Every single person in that audience was there for him and only him, as was every viewer wherever in the world they might be. Käärijä got the main character moment he deserved and that really warms my heart. The show also gave a closure to the after-Eurovision week and the post Eurovision depression and the new national trauma that all of Finland was starting to experience. It kinda ended this season on a high note for us.

Last night I unpacked the last stuff from my suitcase, put my bolero away, folded my Käärijä shirts to the closet. Then I went for a walk by the seashore, just to clean my thoughts from all the literal and figurative noise. And I remembered how small we are, and how unsignificant everything really is. And after a while, the numb grief was repleced by gratefulness. So I wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to every single one of you. Thank you for all the love you have shown to Finland and Käärijä this year. Thank you for the comments and likes, thank you for making art and memes, thank you for streaming and voting and supporting us. Finland, Finnish artists and Finnish language are so often forgotten and being in the spotlight of the whole world right now feels unreal and incredible. Thank you for watching our silly little national selection and their content, thank you for following Käärijä’s journey. 

Thank you to everyone in Liverpool and all over the world who was rooting for Finland this year. I’ll never forget the German journalist who told me off the record that she wanted Finland to win, or the half dozen Spanish guys in green boleros, or the local volunteer who sang cha cha cha with me in the middle of the street, or the people who chanted for Käärijä at the arena, or the Brits next to us who came to give us comforting hugs when the result was clear. I’ve never seen my nation supporting something or someone in such a unison. The green colour, the outfits, the haircuts; cakes, drinks, decorations, celebrations all over. I’m thankful that people showed up at the airport and made clear to Käärijä how proud we are of him and how much everyone loves him. Not only did he reach a result most of couldn’t have even hoped for a few years back, he did it in our own language. He put Finland on a pedestal for the world to see and united this whole country in a way I’ve never seen before. He showed us how important it is to be yourself, be kind, accept your flaws and laugh at them, just believe in yourself and always do your best. Thank you, Jere from Vantaa. You deserve the world.

[storm-ec]

I have to tell you, I started following Blind Channel just after Eurovision, and it opened up my world. I really love them and i keep supporting Finland. That's why I supported Käärijä last year. I wanted him to win, I voted for him, something difficult as I count as 'rest of the world.' After that, I kept being a fan, listening to his songs daily, and stuff like that. Also, I followed Joost for him. But now, it feels so sad and disappointing. I won't 'cancel him' for what happened yesterday, but I'll probably stop supporting him for a while. Let's be honest, people. It's not the first time he's done something questionable. I understood that he was friends with N0A because they met at the contest, and probably Kä didn't know a thing about the conflict. But today, everyone knows about it. We're not talking about political stuff; we're talking about lives, people being killed and suffering for the power and money of a criminal government and population.

I know not all Jews are Zionists, and there are brave people, including Jews, against the war and genocide. He has to know there's a war, he knows there are people suffering, and he doesn't give a damn about it. Maybe he kinda 'apologized,' but what he wrote was about being caught, not for treating that woman (Zionist supporter) friendly when the others didn't even approach her.

Also, an important point is that I already saw cases like this, all important, EC with the derogatory 'Skimo' word and Joost with the song made with Russian musicians, but those issues were explained, there were apologies, and people involved were educated by themselves, it was necessary to studied and made official statements.

Today Joost held a piece of paper with 'Käärijä should have won,' but then Kä made a TikTok with a genocidal supporter? With the same woman that Joost confronted at the press conference? But above all, with the woman that will join the military when ESC ends? It just makes me think if Kä really listens to people or just cares about music because he's Joost's friend but he doesn't know Jo's against the Zionist and the Israeli representation in the competition? Jo's being pushed by the ESC and Israeli media for his comments, and Kä's actions could affect him too ..but back to what really matters.

I think this whole situation won't be fixed with an improvised 'No war' because being neutral might sound right, might sound cool, but it isn't. Saying this empty stuff is like saying, 'I don't care, I don't know why you're fighting, just stop it because we cant partying' And that's bad, people. That's pretty bad. It's not just ignorance but indifference.

I really hope that Kä could (finally) educate himself because that's not our job as fans, and he could understand that being famous also brings responsibilities. I really hope I could like him and support him as before someday, but for now, I prefer to keep my distance. I won't influence you all by writing 'don't support him' or 'let's forgive him,' that's something that each one has to decide.

Stay safe and think about lives, about people in Palestine being attacked without reason and the people who are gone for ambition

[sippinggossip]

info anon here, I'm back to answer about Marta xxx

I just want to clarify before I say anything that what I'm about to write is based on rumors that were going around at the time and my own judgement of the situation. There aren't many facts since Marta has never discussed the topic publicly and Måneskin have only given a vague explanation on the reasons behind the rift.

As someone who was a fan at the time, the first time I heard rumors about them not getting along was during Sanremo 2021. At the time, I didn't believe there was any truth to them because they've always seemed extremely close to her, their relationship seemed to transcend the manager/ artist dynamic and be more similar to family...to understand what I mean, the summer before sanremo for example Damiano had posted a story for her birthday in which he was calling her mom. Vic would also regularly post photos with her and would often say in interviews and vlogs that Marta was like their mom. She even had a group chat with their actual parents for the first year of the band. So to my 2021 self, it seemed inconceivable that that relationship could ever fall apart.

But, in hindsight, not only I've come to believe that those rumors were true but also that, looking back, the issues probably started earlier.

Vent'anni, which was the first single from Teatro d'ira, wasn't really successful on the Italian charts, not for Måneskin's standards at least (even for their pre Eurovision standards). It didn't make it into the top 10 despite being their big come back single after 2 years of not releasing any new music (besides a collab with Francesca Michielin where they were the feautured artist and it didn't make any noise, it's kinda obvious maneskin only went for it because they shared a manager with her). For reference, every Italian single from "Il ballo della vita" had made it into the top 5 of the same chart.

I think their label wasn't pleased by this development. Keep in mind that a lot of money had been invested in maneskin even back then. The label had paid for them to go live in London for about half a year to get inspiration for Teatro d'ira which is something that doesn't really happen often in Italy for artists, let alone artists that at the time were barely 20 years old and had had roughly 2 years of professional career (and that's including the Xfactor) and only one really successful album.

Marta wasn't really on board with them making a pure rock album (we know that for sure because they've talked about it too on interviews they did post-breakup) and, again, it's easy to criticize her for that when you don't know the musical reality in Italy. Rock doesn't sell here and maneskin weren't established enough yet for someone to feel confident that the risk they were taking was going to pay off. And after Vent'anni failed to reach the heights of the commercial success the rest of their singles had had, it indeed seemed the risk wasn't paying off.

So she discouraged them from participating in Sanremo with Zitti e Buoni (something maneskin have also confirmed in interviews). Again, obviously a misjudgement on her part in hindsight. But that's the key word: in hindsight. If you asked anyone before Sanremo started that year if maneskin had any chance to win with that kind of song, they'd all tell you no. No one was predicting they'd even reach the top 10. And they've said too that they participated with zero expectations since never before a song like Zitti e Buoni had won.

After they did win though and Marta was proved wrong on the matter, the glass was broken because it seemed that especially Damiano didn't respect her anymore, he thought that since his take on this one thing had been right and hers had been wrong, that meant he had the ultimate insight into well, everything.

And that was when he stopped listening to her about how he was supposed to handle his image in general.

It's important to know that Marta has a very specific policy about all her artists' personal lives: she doesn't believe in them being public. She doesn't want the gossip to overshadow their work. So, for years, Damiano had to keep his relationship with Giorgia a secret.

Of course, if you just paid a little attention you'd know she was his girlfriend, they were posting the same cats, they were going out normally. But there weren't any Instagram posts, paparazzi pics, he wouldn't talk about his personal life on interviews and when anyone asked about his relationship status he'd give vague answers. That was the case with the rest of the members too, he just seemed the most discontent with it after a while. Also, in his defense, the press in Italy didn't care much about the personal lives of the other 3 so he was the only one who had to deal with constant questions and rumors.

So, the week before Eurovision Damiano, out of the blue, posted an old photo of him and Giorgia on Instagram with the caption "after 4 years, we can finally say it no?" which a lot of fans interpreted as a dig towards Marta. That move was the exact opposite of everything Marta believed in because suddenly every article about maneskin days before the most important competition of their career, was about Damiano and Giorgia. And, well, 2 weeks later Marta was fired and Damiano is the only one who unfollowed her on Instagram.

So, in my opinion, it was a combination of things that led to her being fired. I think Feraguzzo offered må more creative freedom but also freedom regarding their personal lives and the choice to each handle it the way the saw fit without any interference. Marta was a bit bossy in many topics, for example there weren't any friends or girlfriends travelling around with them on tour, she wanted them to be focused without any distractions, so their friends would only attend the Rome shows and that was it. Probably as they grew up and weren't teenagers anymore they started to feel suffocated by her limitations.

Also before anyone comes for me, I'm not blaming her being fired exclusively on Damiano. It's just my impression that the others, while they did have some issues with her too, would've been willing to try and work them out while Damiano wasn't, he had reached his limit and wanted her gone. And the others stuck with him because ofc for the band and for them on a personal level, Damiano was more important than Marta.

Welcome back!

Interesting.

[tetsunabouquet]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Thanks for tagging me @vespersposts I invite all of my followers to join! Also, THERE IS NO QUESTION 5

1. Are you named after anyone? Not exactly. Both my parents names actually have a name meaning related to water, and I was also born in a hospital with a beachview, so my mom was adamant about me having another water themed name when she was naming me. Same goes for my middle name, though that isn't actually officially mine as my middle name 'occured' to her when I was like a few months old and in my country, adding an official middle name later on after the child is born costs quite some money.

2. When was the last time you cried? 3 hours ago or something. My vivid imagination was thinking about story ideas, and then I thought of this dramatic one that made me spill a few tears.

3. Do you have kids? No human ones, only furry ones.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? As someone on the spectrum, I struggle with sarcasm so not really.

6. What's your eye color? Hazel, the type that has various colours. Dark brown is my most dominant, but my eyes also contain bits of jade green, amber and steel grey.

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Kind of both? I've been a horror fan since I saw the children's horror comedy, The Little Vampire, at the age of 4 but I also really like seeing people who deserve something good to happen to them find their happy ending.

8. Any special talents? Well, other then the ones related to art, I do have a few good impressions. Mainly Brenna from Toddlers & Tiaras and Lucas Hanni from Eurovision 2019.

9. Where were you born? The Netherlands.

10. What are your hobbies? Reading, creating things, dancing

11. Have you any pets? 4 cats. Mitzie Gaynor Queenie is the eldest, named after the actress Mitzi Gaynor because of Breakfast At Pluto and Queenie because the little lady is a real kitty queen.

Then you have Poosie Kleptomania. She's the inspiration behind the cat in my Midorima drabble, and was named Poosie because of Pose, as this girl is a real charming little lady that would win in any ballroom (at least if you ask me). Her middle name stems from her extreme tendencies of theft.

Bollywood Klaagzang is my youngest girl. She really loved Bollywood movies ever since she was a kitten, and Klaagzang is a Dutch word for 'lamenting' which literally means a song or word spoken with a complaining tone. If there's anyone who's constantly bitching, its Bolly. She's the kind of diva who's literally whining for attention 24/7. She's whining on my lap as I type actually. One hand isn't enough.

Somi Pantherjoy the Shadowcat is the youngest and sole male. He's named after the K-POP idol Somi, because he's a cross between a European short hair and a Siamese cat, and because Somi is Dutch Canadian-Korean, it seemed like a fitting biracial name in a sense? He's a large, athletically build black cat though, hence the 'Pantherjoy the Shadowcat' part.

12. What sports do you play/have played? Aerial hoop. I quit as a beginner though, because of drama with the sport studio. The sport instructors were good, but one I befriended because we were close in age and that ended up in this massive drama between us and whilst they were good at training people, the bussiness itself behind it? A HUGE mess. When I emailed the administration about the drama, how to sort it out, if I could arrange something like be told on notice on which days she'd be in which studio (as they actually had two) to avoid contact with her and go to the one she wouldn't go instead, it pretty much launched into a whole new drama solely based on the fact, this was a company very clearly created by sport instructors of whom none had a background in administration, bussiness, or anything whatsoever and they didn't cared about hiring people who were either. I have plans to move to a different city with a studio that isn't owned by them so I've been thinking of picking it back up once I'm there.

13. How tall are you? My ID says 162 cm according to the measures made at the town's council building but someone measured me for something a year or so after and they said 161 cm, so... (5'3-ish).

14. Favorite subject in school? Economy. I'm good with money, and I'm an accountant studies drop-out actually. My mentor had difficulties with me because of my autism, and thus was pretty much useless. Once I got stuck, I decided to drop out.

15. Dream job? A child's author and toy designer. I dream of creating my own book series and toys based on the books. Perhaps even fashion dolls. I'd like to create an 'adult' version of the series with BJD dolls once I've had an audience who grew up with my stories. I even have some low-key thoughts on a theme park. I pretty much want to be the unproblematic Disney of children's literature. That would be the dream!

[gloveblazarrye]

^^^ THIS ^^^ Holy smokes folks

I don’t often feel the need to go out of my way to write anything but this first semi final was SO UNCOMFORTABLE to watch, and the other shows are likely to get even worse.

The UK was supposed to be a gracious helping hand to a country that is - rightfully so - too preoccupied with a literal war to host ESC. Surely the UK are eager to host, since their last time was in 1998, but they’d understand they are simply subbing, right? They’d understand this is not their spotlight to steal, wouldn’t you think?

They have installed 2 UK hosts and only 1 Ukrainian: Julia Sanina, who is placed next to Hannah Waddingham and only gets a few words in edgewise every now and then. Alesha Dixon roams the green room and chats elaborately with the artists. In the final this team will be expanded with Graham Norton, a third UK host.

While we wait for the votes to come in, we see a beautiful performance by Ukrainian artist Alyosha, BUT: she has to share the stage with a UK singer! It’s a duet, cause god forbid the focus isn’t at least partly on the UK for one song! And after that, another interval act: UK (again) artist Rita Ora with a splashing army of dancers.

Finally, though, we seem to get a moment to look at Ukraine: a video segment about Ukraine’s history in Eurovision. Julia announces: “Time for a look back through Eurovision history now. When Ukraine won the contest last year it meant a lot to so many people. But our story began 20 years ago...” And then we get the most horrendous Graham Norton-narrated whiny little video essay. I’ve written the transcript below, word for word. I’ve made actual info about Ukraine’s ESC history bold.

“...over in Latvia, one country was making its Eurovision debut (Ukraine), while another country (UK) got its first ever null points. What followed was two decades of high achievement and success... for Ukraine :( *insert shot of UK getting 0 points again* And the exact opposite for the UK. Well, it was time to give the newbies a chance, wasn’t it? *images of UK acts* Until 2003, the UK were the kings and queens of Eurovision! *more footage of UK acts* Five wins and twenty-three top three finishes! Then... for years... a Eurovision drought hit the UK, with only one act in the top ten. Go on Jade. In fact, while the UK clocked up 5 last place finishes, Ukraine had 5 top three finishes. Including 2 wins! And another fun fact, they are the only country to have a 100% qualifying rate from the semi finals they entered. Take that, Sweden. But then we come to Turin, 2022. *Sam Rider footage * The UK’s space man, Sam Rider, was gonna turn our fortunes around. And he did! It was the UK’s best result for twenty-four years. After coming top in the jury vote, they came a brilliant second place overall... *footage of Ukraine act 2022* Behind Ukraine. Again. Kalush orchestra’s victory, then Ukraine became the first country in the 21st century to win three times.”

Fucking stunning. The rest of that is misplaced self-pity for continuously losing ESC in the shadow of a country that has been at war for over a year. You can call it self-deprecating humour but if only 20% of your video is about Ukraine and the rest is about you, be it positively or negatively, you're missing the point.

OH and then we get to the final results! Surely Julia and Hannah will just take turns announcing qualifiers, right? WRONG. No, even in this the UK need their little ego-boost and get a 1-up on Ukraine. Hannah announces 6 out of 10 qualifiers, leaving only 4 for Julia.

UK. I don’t care about saying it nicely. Shut up and let the stage be taken by the proper winners. And I know, they put a lot of money and effort into the organisation, blah blah blah, sure sure, they’re doing a good job at the technical side of things. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t still tasteless.

how do i say this nicely. uk. sweetie. this year isn't about you

[ask-the-eu6]

Do you watch Eurovision together? Who was your fav act this year? (You can’t choose your own act obvs)

Netherlands: Obviously I watched Eurovision this year and they all did too. I organised it. If they didn't watch it I would have held it against them for a whole year. :)

Belgium: He says that but we all already agreed to come watch it after he won in 2019. There was absolutely no need for threats. 🙄

Luxembourg: Especially seeing as it got cancelled in 2020 due to the pandemic. We were all incredibly looking forward to it!

Netherlands: Yeah, my wallet didn't though... :)

Netherlands: Anyway countries that are hosting usually don't do well, but it wasn't bad either. I got fourth last place. My favourite act... I'd rather not say...

Luxembourg: Say it, coward.

Belgium: Say it! :)

Netherlands: Fine... My favourite act was France. I gave him "Douze points" from the televoting and the jury. *embarrassed*

France: I'm incredibly flattered, mon cher~ Anyway...

France: I got second place and my favourite act was Portugal, it was kind of groovy and jazzy, I liked it, 8 points of the jury and the televoting for them. :)

Romano: Second place... *smirks*

France: Well, what do you want, the people with taste were lacking this year. Only my darlings, Spain and Netherlands are alright and deserve to be rewarded.

Netherlands: *bright red*

Germany: I gave you 12 points from the jury and 10 from the televoting...

France: Alright, no need to get jealous, you will get a kiss too, but not as big as them. Alright?

Germany: That's not... I mean... ah... Let's move on!

Germany: Our act was...

Luxembourg: The best thing ever! I didn't know you could play the ukulele like that.

Germany: Thank you! it was fun, yes, despite ending second to last.

Belgium: Hey at least Britain did worse. :)

Germany: Yeah but... Britain...

France: Agreed mon cher, I'd be distraught.

Germany: Anyway, my favourite act was France, as I already said.

France: *winks*

Romano: Unlike you we didn't need to sleep with people to get them to vote for us and we won well deserved!

France: *gasps* "Sale petites pestes va" 😒

Italy: Not that we would mind any offers :D

Romano: Fratello, I swear to god. Anyway, our favourite act was us. Måneskin, is so cool. Hands down top act.

Netherlands & Germany: It says you can't choose your own act.

Italy: Wow, that was a little bit creepy how you said that at the same time. If not our act, then it was Finland!!! It was also really cool!

Belgium: My act was a bit dark, not bad, but not everyone's taste. We got 19th place and I was honestly already surprised I made it to the finale. I thank the jury because we got 3 televotes from Lithuania and Ukraine and 71 jury votes. 😅

Germany: At least you got votes...

Belgium: I know dear, I'm sorry ahahaha. Anyway, my favourite act was Ukraine's, I had no idea what it said but it was honestly such a mood and such a good vibe.

Luxembourg: Not that not knowing the lyrics stops her from singing it in the shower, or something that resembles it, at least... *grins*

Romano: *snorts*

Netherlands: Don't give away our blackmail material so easily!

Belgium: I hate you both.

Luxembourg: Aw, sis, we love you! :D

Luxembourg: Anyway I wasn't allowed to vote as I haven't participated since 1993. I think my favourite would have been Lithuania, It was so funky and nice.

Belgium: Oh... When will Luxembourg come back from the war and participate in Eurovision again?? *clutches her heart*

Luxembourg: Well... uh, highly unlikely as the broadcaster that is supposed to pay the membership doesn't have enough money.

Netherlands: But you are so filthy rich?

Luxembourg: Yes but that's the state not the private company and every time the state wants to fund the broadcaster, the people vote against it because it costs too much, and then they complain because we don't participate. I mean we had the highest amount of wins per participation, and we made many singers famous like France Gall. *sigh...*

France: For which I'm grateful! I love her music!

Italy: *pats Luxembourg on the back* I know what it feels like, having to organise something but not having enough money..

Germany: I can't believe I'm going to have to calculate any failsafe or bailout mechanism because you guys decided to win the Eurovision.

Netherlands: Yeah they're not getting a single penny :)

Romano: I don't need your money, cheap bastard. We'll manage! Anyway thank you for your ask and you're all welcome next year's Eurovision 2022 in Turin!

Italy: Woohoooo!!! :D

Very small Mun note

There’s a really cool site where you can see who voted for who and it’s honestly so entertaining every year! 

https://eurovisionworld.com/eurovision/2021

The team watches Eurovision too, almost religiously! 

[uelden]

Vanity Fair interview translated

Just a side note before the actual translation; I don't know why, but instead of reporting the full questions and answers in full as she should, the journalist decided to report only summarized fragments of what Måneskin said and patch these fragments up into messy clusters. She also worded a couple phrases in a very confusing way (and yes, she's fully Italian). In short, she did quite a poor job, so the final shape of the interview is not that good. I didn't expect top-tier journalism from Vanity Fair but ffs. You'll see what I mean.

I translated it as it is, adding just a couple footnotes to give you insight on Italian pop culture references.

Translation under the cut

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

by Lavinia Farnese, 09 June 2021

"True justice is being judged for what you do and not for what you are." The ones who are convinced of this are Damiano, Victoria, Ethan and Thomas who, by being the emblem of a generation that is finally free, refuse labels and conformism. In life, in love and on the stage. Where, maybe precisely because of this, they're winning everything

With the still unexpected (first place at Sanremo Festival) and the incredible (triumph at Eurovision) in their eyes, Måneskin are on the sofa of the house-studio they rented - to resume writing songs and rehearsing them - like you are after a won battle: lying in a calm and unreal silence, alert and a bit irreverent, happy.

In the garden there's the tennis table and the pool, the light of summer when it's starting and calming the country all around, and it filters inside from the large windows, and it goes onto the shining black of Ethan's hair, which blends with Thomas' eye shadow and the butterfly he has tattooed oh his naked forearm, which completes the picture of Victoria's golden crucifix hanging between neck and tank top and ends on the black nail polish of Damiano's stretched hands.

It's a human fresco, a Theatre of wrath [translator's note: "Teatro d'ira"] - to call it with the title of their latest album, a platinum record already - where their flaunted 20 years of age, their irregular femininity and virility are grown into proud and challenging custom, a pop glam rock generational manifesto of hard-earned liberties in a finally-unconditional expression of the self.

To watch them from any angle and from another age is to think that a great love will be born in those who'll understand: this new way of being in the world, the true and sovereign realm they hold where "diversity=exceptionality", the power of the artistic and cultural revolution of which they are healthy carriers in establishing in all lyrics and gestures the right to live according to one's own nature past the "people (who) talk, the people (who) unfortunately talk, and don't know what the fuck they're talking about." [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

We go where we're afloat, where the air isn't gone. [tn: journalist's own variation on "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

Miley Cyrus says hi – The numbers of a phenomenon

"The streams of Zitti e buoni are growing by the second, and they bring us above Muse, at the top of English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. Followers almost tripled, in the post-Rotterdam period (from 1,4 to 3,3 millions, ed.) Contagious and universal folly: t-shirts and merchandising sold out in 10 minutes. Like the records, the tickets for a tour that keeps adding dates and expanding over geographic maps. They're contacting us even from some festivals were The Rolling Stones went." Thomas

"After the pretextual controversy over cocaine that France built against us, later disproven by my drug test, some graffiti popped up in Spain depicting me as a “No drugs” poster guy. Some tweets made us laugh: "Congratulations, Italy! I've never been more certain that four people have had sex with each other." Miley Cyrus started following us -You're great. -You guys are greater." Damiano

From the garage to the stars – Story of a flight

"It was only 2016, and we played in restaurants, in the streets, in via del Corso. Damiano without even a microphone, Thomas' guitar with wonky strings, Ethan was drumming on a cajón. During Rome highschools' sit-ins (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first confirmations and half-hours of celebrity, playing among those who criticized us and those who went "wow they're really cool." One of the rare times when they would have paid us – 50 euros each – we gave the money to the next band in the lineup so that they would make us play in their spot, later in the day, when there would have been more people. We had already realized how things worked. Visibility mattered more than money. And we still think that." Victoria

The intimacy of rock – Choice of a genre

"Music allows us the miracle of extending to others some very personal and private topics, sometimes even difficult and thorny ones. They are and they remain deeply your own, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage that is alike a delivery, they find a place in you as well, a processing of them. You overcome them, you accept them. One second it's something aggressive, the next it's a ballad. Cathartic». Damiano

Against panic – The stage as therapy

"I've suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it's an issue I've worked on thanks to a psychotherapy course, my friends and my family. Playing helped me in not letting myself be paralyzed by my fears, not making myself limited in my private and professional life. I've learned to accept, to live with this side of myself. I don't hide it. I don't feel ashamed of it." Victoria

Analysis as necessity – Relying on someone saves you

"This belief that only madmen go to the psychologist is a widespread ignorance. No-one's born learned. [tn: common Italian saying] And it's often hard to understand the very reason why we're here, let alone the origin and direction of our desires. It's a long and legitimate journey towards lucidity, a kind of backing to become transparent." Damiano

Being out of our minds – But different from them [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

"When you feel a strong passion towards something that is not a canonical job but an artistic language, that already puts you on a level of anomaly, which is not superior or inferior to other people, but it puts you in the position of the one who breaks the mold and also works at a loss, the one who sustains great risks while trying to do something that who knows if it will take you anywhere. "Why do it if it doesn't pay?". You want to give this dream of yours an aesthetic, but it becomes "You're dressing so weird! You must be gay!" - now that I'm 22 I laugh about it, but when I was 17 it had an effect on me, too." Damiano

The beauty of uniqueness – Of believing in it and defending it

"And I mean, at the end of the day if we're all different it's not because we want be alternative but because, really, no-one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty." Ethan

Fluid sexuality – Pride is freedom

"Heels for men that like themselves in them, kisses among ourselves, we have an open, extended mind, and we're proud of it. The horizons become vast, past the oppression of conservative families. With the information on the web knowledge becomes greater and with it the possibility that minorities will be less and less minorities, because the majority will be less of a majority. This way we'll make insults and bullying grow quieter. If social media get to a village of 50 souls and reveal to a girl who's afraid of the dark that someone has felt her same fear, then there's no reason to give a name to that fear, to mark it with labels which also limit and restrict. Definitions always had this effect on me. You shouldn't even consider the gender when judging someone, let alone their orientation." Victoria

Sexism – A culture to be dismantled

"Emma [tn: Emma Marrone, Italian singer] drops the bomb: “At Eurovision when I was there they massacred me for a pair of shorts, while they said nothing to Damiano – bare-chested and in heels.” The easy judgment against women is more fierce, constant, debasing (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool while Vic is a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader while Vic is despotic and a pain in the ass who reached success because she's hot.) As a male I'm privileged, the abuse I get is not comparable to those a woman has to live through, the comments over my aesthetic are centered only on my aesthetic and don't insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thought in a systematic way. It happened though to find myself standing with a woman who while pulling me to herself to take a selfie, started licking my face out of the blue... I mean, what the hell do you want? Who asked you? Consent exists, and it's due." Damiano

Grow yourself – The only commandment

"To me conformism is the opposite of education [tn: could also mean "politeness"] and is the asphyxia of expression. I fortunately never endured heavy bullying, heavy enough for the the judgement of others to change me. But the mold of the small crumbs of bullying I got and of the kind of aggression that scars is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and likes dolls you have to let me do what I like. I was a kid who wanted to keep his hair long and played with Barbie. As a teen, my friends looked at my hair: " You have to find a girl with short hair to be at your side." My grandparents took away my dolls: "Stop it, they're not for you." Ethan

"When I was six I was already sick of them, the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things that were typically defined as girly, and all around me they mocked me because I went skateboarding, I played soccer, I didn't wear skirts, I was giving myself the chance to be as I wished. I endured it a little, I suffered a little, but I had courage, and now thanks to that courage I know that I could have gotten even much more hurt, otherwise I would have left to others the most important choice: the one about myself." Victoria

Love in progress – Music, girlfriends

"I've been married to music for the last 20 years. I can't wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary." Ethan

"Everyone makes their own experiences, sometimes it goes well, sometimes it goes wrong, but it's always not anybody's business." Thomas

"When I first felt feelings and attraction towards a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage of going beyond the limitations I had put for myself. For society being heterosexual is the norm and so you often define yourself in that way automatically, depriving yourself of the freedom to live many shades and faces of love. Once I overcame the initial insecurity of having to call into question my certainties I've lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone." Victoria

"I had paparazzi at my door every day and night. So, after four years of relationship, I revealed her name. I still have paparazzi at my door every day and nigh, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore." Damiano

The worth of the group – Phenomenology of protection

"The true engagement though, the true family is among ourselves, our band. We've believed in it since day zero, even before we called ourselves Måneskin (Moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon on the flier for the first concert we ever did. We share everything, even the pain for the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because of racism. [tn: I think the journalist asked them their opinion about Seid Visin's death, which was a current events topic in Italy, and then pasted it syntaxically in the middle of Thomas' answer, which was not a great move] A group is what we all should be: stay united and not back down an inch in the face of oppression that is generated by a distorted view of diversity." Thomas

I'm not of the right age – Like Gigliola [tn: Gigliola Cinquetti won Eurovision with her song "Non ho l'età", which means "I'm not of the right age"]

"Before you the only one who won both Sanremo and Eurovision on the same year was Cinquetti (1964). If there's anything I feel I'm not of the right age for? No, honestly no. Maybe having children. Regarding children I'll be honest: I'm not of the right age." Damiano

Having touched the sky – The fears that remain

"We're more than inside the dream, we're in the conquered dream. When you fly high there's the risk of plummeting and hurting yourself, but we'll work hard not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - a bit pretentiously - reassures us rather than scaring us." Damiano

[mistressemmedi]

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

Greetings from Miley Cyrus - phenomenal numbers.

The streams of Zitti e Buoni are growing by the second, and ahead of Muse, on the top of the English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. We almost tripled followers after Rotterdam (from 1.4 to 3.3 million, ed). Contagious and universal madness: T-shirts and merchandise sold out in 10 minutes. Like records, tickets for a tour that adds dates and expands on maps. They are even looking for us in festivals where the Rolling Stones have played. - Thomas

After the whole cocaine scandal that was started against us from France, which was later denied by my drug test, in Spain there people have been making murals with my face saying "No drugs". Some tweets made us laugh: «Congratulations, Italy! I have never been so sure that four people have fucked each other ". Miley Cyrus started following us. "You are great". “You are more” . - Damiano

From rags to riches - what a story

It was only 2016, and we were playing in restaurants, on the streets, in via del Corso (famous street in Rome). Damiano without a microphone, Thomas's guitar with broken strings, Ethan drummed on a cajón. At the occupations of the high schools in Rome (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first gigs and half an hour of fame, between those who criticized us and those who said "these guys are so cool". One of the rare times in which they offered to pay us to play - 50 euros each - we offered that money to those after us, in exchange for the chance to play during their time slow, as we knew there would have been a bigger crowd. We already understood then how it worked. That visibility was worth more than the money. We still think so ». - Victoria

The intimacy of rock - Choice of a genre

Music allows is this miracle which allows one to talk about very personal and private topics, even difficult and delicate ones. They are and remain deeply yours, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage which is like a delivery, they also find their place in you, their elaboration. They are overcome, they are accepted. One moment it feels aggressive, one moment later a (soft) ballad. It's very cathartic. - Damiano

Against panic - The stage as therapy

I have suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it is a problem that I have worked on thanks to a course of psychotherapy, to my friends and family. Playing has helped me not to let myself be paralyzed by my fears, not to be limited in my private and professional life. I have learned to accept, to live with this side of me. I don't hide it. I no longer feel ashamed. - Victoria

This belief that only crazy people go to the psychologist is widespread ignorance. Nobody is born learned. And it is often difficult to understand why we are here, let alone the derivation and direction of our desires. It is a long and legitimate journey towards one's clarity. - Damiano

Essere fuori di testa – Ma diversi da loro (Be out of your mind - But different from them)

Already feeling a strong passion for something that is not a 'regular' profession but an artistic language, it puts you on a level where you're an anomaly, and while you're neither superior nor inferior to others, it places you in the condition of what breaks the mold but you're also being at a loss, leaving it to you to be bold and to take risks, hoping that they will pay off and land you somewhere. "What good is it if you don't stand out on your own?". You want to give it an aesthetic to your artistic dream, but to others it boils down to " You dress differently! You must be gay! ”, I'm 22 now and it makes me laugh, but at 17 it had an effect on me too. - Damiano

The beauty of being unique - Of believing in that and defending it

After all, we are all different not because we want to be alternative but because really no one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty. - Ethan

Fluid sexuality - Pride is freedom

We appreciate heels on men, we kiss each other, we have an open, extended mind, and we are proud of it. The horizons become vast, beyond the oppression of conservative families. With information on the web, knowledge is enriched and with it the possibility that minorities will be fewer and fewer, because majorities will be fewer and fewer. This will lower the volume to insults and bullying. If social networks can reach a village of 50 souls to reveal to someone, who is afraid of the darkness, that someone has felt that same fear.. There is no longer the need to give it a name, to define that "something" to fear, to brand it with labels that only limit you. Definitions have always had this effect on me. Gender should not even be considered in a person's judgment. Let alone orientation ". - Victoria

Sexism - A culture to be dismantled

Emma (Italian singer) dropped the bomb:" When I went to Eurovision, they insulted me over a pair of shorts. Damiano - half naked and in heels - was never criticized ". The judgment against women is constant, ferocious, and demeaning (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool but Vic a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader she is domineering and pain in the ass, who is successful because only because of her looks [and not the hard work she puts in]). As a male I am privileged, the harassment I suffer is not comparable to that experienced by a woman, the comments on my aesthetics are focused only on my aesthetics and do not insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thinking in a systemic way. But I did find myself in a situation, out of nowhere, with someone who, pulling close to her for a selfie, started licking my face ... "What do you want, did you ask me?" Consent exists, and it is a must ». - Damiano

To grow as a person - The only rule to follow

For me, to conform is the total opposite of educating oneself, and the asphyxiation of one's expression (of freedom). Fortunately, I did not suffer heavy bullying, to the point where I felt I needed to change to adapt to how others saw me. But the matrix of who I am and the aggression that marks me is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and loves dolls, then allow me the freedom to do so. I used to be a kid who wanted long hair and played with Barbies. My friends, as a teenager, looked my long hair and teased me: "You have to find yourself a girl with a short hair to make up for it". My grandparents took the dolls away from me and said: “Stop it, they're not for you” ». - Ethan

“I was six and I already could not tolerate the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things typically defined as feminine as a child, and they made fun of me for skating, for playing soccer, for not wearing skirts, for giving myself the chance to be as I wanted to be. I suffered a little, as I was bullied, but I had courage to stay true to myself, and today thanks to that courage I know that I could have been much more hurt, or I would have risked leaving the most important decision to others: the one about being just me". - Victoria

Love - music and girlfriends

I've been married to music for the past 20 years. I cannot wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary. - Ethan

Everyone goes through their own experiences, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but it's never other people's business." - Thomas

When, for the first time, I developed feelings and attraction for a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage to go beyond the limitations I had imposed on myself. For society, being heterosexual is the norm and therefore often one automatically pegs himself in that way, giving up the freedom to experience many different shades and facets of love. Once I got over the initial insecurity of having to question one's own certainties, I lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone. - Victoria

I had paparazzi under my house morning and night. So, after four years of relationship, I finally revealed her name. I still have the paparazzi under my house morning and night, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore. - Damiano

The value of the group - Protecting each other

But the real relationship, the real family, is between us. Our band. We believed in it from the first day, even before calling ourselves Måneskin (moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon, on the poster for our first concert. We share everything, even the pain of the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because he was a victim of racism. Being a group is what we should all do together: stay united and not retreat in the slightest in the face of abuses generated by a distorted vision of someone "being different|. - Thomas

Non ho l’età – like Gigliola (It references Gigliola Cinquetti who won both Sanremo and Eurovision with her song "Non ho l’età" which translates to Not old enough)

Before us, the only one to win Sanremo and Eurovision together was Gigliola Cinquetti (in 1964). Is there is something for which I feel I am not yet old enough for? No, honestly no. Maybe for kids. I'll be honest, I'm not enough to be a dad. - Damiano

Reached the sky - What fears still remain

We are more than in the dream, we have conquered the dream. To fly high this high, there is the risk is to fall and get hurt, but we will try not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - somewhat presumptuously - reassures us rather than frighten us ". - Damiano

(ORIGINAL INTERVIEW IN ITALIAN)

[Please note that I have changed some words or structure sentence, trying to make it so that the interview made more sense lol - I skipped the first two paragraphs, which was basically the interviewer gushing over how pretty the band is lmao (relatable).

Any mistakes in the translation are sorely mine, nothing was proofread, so apologies in advance]

[totallypathet]

UK Episode Five

UK Hun?

I know I haven't at all talked about Drag Race UK this season, but I have ~opinions~ and my flatmate is getting bored of me so here we are.

First episode back after lockdown! I feel so bad for these queens, started filming, get sent home for seven months, have no idea if/when they're going to start filming again, lose income for 7 months, it must have been so awful. But I'm glad they're all back! Except poor Veronica who got covid - I hope they do a Eureka and invite her back for season 3, I feel like she had so much more to show!

Of course they brought someone back to replace her, typical drag race gag, but nice that someone else got another chance! Having said that, it should have been Astina. She didn't deserve to go home in the first place, imo. I do think it was kind of harsh to throw that at everyone first thing though! Like the eliminated three didn't get to do anything to even fight for it, and for all the remaining queens, like its been seven months! Who remembers things that long?? Not me, that's for damn sure. I think that was kind of harsh, and I think a lot of people did go for Joe maybe as a safe choice, like there's always an argument for the queen who went home first, they didn't really get to show much. You know what I wish, I wish those three had been a group for the Eurovision (I refuse to say Rurovision) challenge, and then everyone got a chance to vote someone back. That would have felt fairer somehow.

Anyway. I was initially really glad we got Joe back, because I really felt like she did have more to show. I was soon to be disappointed, however 😂

I do love the music challenges, and I adore MNEK, I hope he is like the permanent music judge. One of my favourite moments was him, I think it was after Bimini's first take, going "well...its good that we have that..." very like Chrissy Teigen 😬 that was so funny to me, I loved it.

1. A'Whora

Before the covid break I really didn't like A'Whora, but I feel like she's come back a bit more relaxed, a bit more open, and I liked her so much more this episode. I feel like maybe when she came back she was a bit more relaxed because she knew (kind of) what she was walking into, so she felt a but more at home, maybe. Anyway, I think she did really well this week! She's not a singer, but she leaned into this moany sexy thing that some people do do at Eurovision, and hey, sex sells! I think it was a smart choice for her.

Her look as well... amazing. You guys it was a bag of chips! She had wooden forks as her earrings! The font of the newspaper was to scale! She was carrying a salt shaker! It was so sick, I loved it. I loved seeing her be fashion and polished and beautiful, but also whimsy and funny at the same time! Great week for A'Whora.

2. Bimini Bon Boulash

We LOOOOOOOVE Bimini Bon Boulash! For me, she was the absolute stand out this week, I just adored her! Her verse was amazing, her lyrics were great, her very East London attitude was everything, I just loved it. And her outfit! That mad pink cowboy barbie? Incredible! Also, so Eurovision. And the jump off the stool! That lives in my head rent free. "Somebody do a death drop or summing!" Perfect. The whole performance was amazing.

Also her runway looooooook! It was so beautiful, so fashion, I was getting Gautier from that lace and the umbrella... everything about it to me was so perfect. I know it was a team win, but to me Bimini absolutely killed it, and she was my winner 🥰🥰

3. Ellie Diamond

I love Ellie, but honestly I think she's too young for this competition. She's so great, but if you give her just a couple more years, she's going to be absolutely unstoppable. I think she did pretty well this week, her lyrics were fun, she is a dancer, she performed great! I do agree with Michelle, she did look a little bit like she was in her head for a lot of the performance, but that just comes with confidence, and when you've not performed for 7 months and then suddenly you're on the main stage, that's got to be super nerve wracking!

I also think Ellie was a victim of a bad group this week. I think the group as a whole didn't have a lot of direction or focus, the choreography wasn't that great, they didn't really feel like a group. It was unfortunate. I feel like she did the best she could.

I kind of loved her runway, I think the seagull thing was hilarious! She was a human size seagull! That's hysterical. The only thing I kind of wish is that she'd had ridiculous padding on. Like, what's funnier than a giant seagull with huge tits in a bikini. I think that's so funny.

4. Joe Black

Oh Joe. I was excited for Joe to come back, but as soon as she walked out to the Eurovision challenge in that dress with that wig and a belt, I knew it was over.

I'll get into the dress H&M/Primark drama in a second, but first let's talk about the actual challenge. Joe's lyrics were pretty good, but the way she performed them was just so at odds with the track. It's cheesy Euro pop, you know? I just feel like she could have done things differently. And then with the choreo...look I don't expect anyone to walk in being a great dancer and doing flips and splits and all that, but I just felt like she didn't even really try with the moves Ellie and Tia wanted to do. Maybe that was the edit, I don't know. I also feel like, as team leader, she could have found some solutions, like they could've had Tia & Ellie doing these amazing moves, and Sister & Joe could have done something more simple, or they could have found some comedy Joe could lean into while the others were dancing, but it just seemed like they didn't even try and find a way around it? It was just a bit weird to me.

And then she came out for the runway, and it was like chalk and cheese. Joe Black had by far and away the best runway look of the night. That's one of my favourite things that's ever been worn on UK Drag Race, it was amazing. But it was also like girl if you can do that, why were you wearing H&M during the main challenge? And like, I'd get it, if that dress was beautiful, or bold, or she'd used it as a base and done something to it, but it wasn't. It was so basic, and she even said she knew it was basic, and it didn't even fit her right. It was just so disappointing.

Honestly, I understand what Ru was saying about not wanting to see off the rack. I can't believe I'm about to be defending Transphobia Paul, but I actually kind of agree. And it's not about money, I don't think anyone has to spend loads of money to be a good drag queen, I think its just about it being a Look. A Moment. Like this is internationally available TV. And you're going to come out to perform in a dress off the sale rack that you just threw on and belted? I just find that disappointing. And I get what people are saying about Astina in week 1 winning with an off the rack outfit, but at least she did something with it. I mean, first of all it at least was a cool jacket. But then she built this outfit, and sold a character, she gave us an East London Moment, and it didn't matter that the jacket was from ASOS.

Joe didn't give us anything with that dress. She did nothing with it, and she didn't give us a character or a presentation, it was just an ugly dress. But then she came out in that incredible runway look, why such a disconnect? And I know that it was covid, and everyone had a loss of income, but girl the filming started before that. Like Joe should have already had the wardrobe for the season all ready before the lockdown. And if she didn't, she had 7 months to do literally anything with that dress. Stone it, glitter it, paint it, dye it, wreck it with bleach, make it a top, make it a jacket, do SOMETHING! You know? Also, that runway look? Idk if she made it or commissioned it, but baby that was not cheap. That took time, and energy, and effort, and money, so I'm calling bullshit on "maybe she could only afford a sale rack H&M dress 😔". Bullshit, Vivienne.

I was just so disappointed in Joe. I'm glad she went home.

5. Lawrence Chaney

I was worried for Lawrence this week! She's not known for being a singer or a dancer, and she was the only plus size girl in her group. As a big bitch myself I know it can be intimidating to be surrounded by thin people, especially when you're doing things you're not confident in.

But bitch she fucking turned it out this week! She wrote good lyrics, she kept up with the choreography, but most importantly, she performed the song. Like she leaned into not being a good dancer, she didn't look unsure or awkward, she just did it. I love that about Lawrence, she always just gives it her best, and I respect the hell out of it.

Her day at the seaside look was cute. It was a little bit obvious, a little bit literal, but it was well made, it fit her beautifully, and she looked fantastic. She did the assignment, and tbh I'm happy with that. She did a good job, and I'm proud of her!

6. Sister Sister

Honesly, the fact that Tia Kofi was in the bottom two when Sister Sister was right there is a fucking hate crime.

I genuinely forgot Sister Sister even existed. Like the only memorable thing she has done all season is her Morning Talk Show goth, and that was painful to watch. And she spends all her confessionals just bitching and moaning about other people! She spent the whole Talk Show episode complaining about Veronica and saying she didn't wanna work with her, but bitch what did you do?? If you think someone else is boring, you should have no trouble out shining them! And then she didn't!

I'm over it with her. Her performance wasn't that good, her lyrics weren't that good, and then her runway look was like the Wish version of A'Whora's.

I'm not totally certain that I buy that Sister stole it as a concept from A'Whora, but... maybe? Like, if Sister had really seen A'Whora's when they were filming the first time, and Sister had something totally different back then... I can see that maybe she thought "oh, thats a way better idea". All I know is, if you're gonna do the same look as someone else, you better leave them in the dust; and she didn't. She should have been lipsyncing this week.

7. Tayce

Tayce really pulled it out this week! Her rap was one of the best performances in the whole show, she killed it! Her lyrics were great, she really delivered them like a rapper, and them she performed the hell out of the song! Loved it. The only things I had to say about Tayce was that she seemed like the odd one out in the group in terms of outfits? Like everyone else went very Eurovision, cheesy pop pink, and she went with a very cool, edgy, darker look. Like, she looked stunning, and I looooved her hair, but it just didn't quite fit with the rest of the group. But that's a real nitpick, in terms of the actual performance, she was amazing!

Tayce's runway look. It was okay. It was a little bit literal for me, she went for shells and netting. It was cool, she looked beautiful, but it wasn't like a knockout for me.

8. Tia Kofi

Tia got a raw fucking deal this week. She was the best performer in her group by a country fucking mile, she had the best lyrics, she was the best rapper, and I think she looked the best out of the four in that group (during during challenge). I could not believe they put her in the bottom two.

Okay, her runway look was not great. It was a long way from great. But at least she had a unique concept (*cough* Sister), and she gave us some form of presentation. It could have been a lot better, but there was potential! I really wish that she'd had a much more defined look, I wish the skirt had been a high waisted pencil skirt, with some kind of cone-like texture somehow, really fitted and beautiful. And then I wish the top had been really big and over the top ruffles, maybe tulle, just something BIG. And that wouldn't have had to be expensive, you can buy cheap pencil skirts, she could have dyed one brown herself, and then she could have bought that cheap mesh that looks like tulle and made a really big rounded ice cream top out of it - I'm just proving my point about Joe Black and the off the rack thing now btw. But I wish it had just been a bit more considered than it was. And I also wish she'd had a flake head piece instead of a cherry, because when you buy those ice creams at the beach it's always a 99.

One thing I will give Tia's runway this week is that her face was stunning. I think that's the best her face has looked all season, the makeup was beautiful.

There was kind of a lot of drama this week with the whole off the rack thing, and then the A'Whora vs Sister Sister conspiracy, and I kind of loved it! I also really enjoyed this challenge, I feel like they've had much better and more interesting challenges on the UK series than the American one. Also UK Hun is going to be in my head for weeks.

I'm picking my top 2 of the season as Lawrence Chaney and Bimini Bon Boulash. Veronica Green would have been up there for me as well, it's a real shame that she got sick and couldn't finish this season! I really really hope they bring her back for season 3!

[maghrib-genova]

@nkp1981 said "just an idea: now that you have both Marwan and Luca singing could you make a fan fiction about two guys who met at a talent show".

So here a little ficlet for it : [Eurovision AU kind of 🤣 It's singing competition.]

Daan's turn is just after a cute shy italian guy who has such a soft voice when they got to talk before his performance for a short while.

Daan gives his all but he is not sure he is going to make to the next round, though his mind keep wondering back to the italian guy with a mole on his cheek, from that moment he decided instead of competing for the prize money he would do everything to win that shy handsome man's heart.

He did get to next round, and to the next and next and because he gives his all, though for obviously different reasons. The things he didn't even imagine he is capable of before, when he pushed more just above his limit, to stay longer in the competition for Paolo, He discovered himself too.

Daan end up being a runner up, everyone was surprised, even himself.

Paolo win the competition, he thought that Daan would be sad because he didn't win, it turned out that the guy was genuinely happy for him, even happier than him he could say, lifting him off his feet and to his embrace and kissed his cheek.

Paolo blushed hard when everyone start cheering for them, the confetti was on them and they look into each other eyes as the sound of applause erupted, deafening them both.

Some understanding passed through the glance of their eyes and they know each other hearts.

It wasn't only Daan who have been pining for Paolo, Paolo also has been feeling the same since the moment the guy from Netherlands sing the eternal flame song by the bangles as his first song.

He has cute dimples that Paolo couldn't forget.

They kiss backstage quickly, and smiles at each other.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?" Daan asked, not beating around the bush.

"Yes..! Let's do that." Paolo answered shortly and they kissed again, smiling at each other when they break their kiss.

"You are my biggest inspiration to be in this competition, I am actually really shy, but to see your enthusiasm and how you work so hard, it makes me more confident" Paolo conceded to Daan as they pressed their forehead together.

"Are you kidding me?" Daan bewildered listening to the confession, smiling wide, chuckling, showing the deep dimples that Paolo loves so much.

"I don't even think I could sing, I got to this competition just because my sister pushed me to try something new and I ..see you and I want to be in this competition as long as I can so I could have the chance to know you. I didn't even know I have this things in me..you are my motivation." Daan confessed in return to the blushing Paolo.

"I guess we bring the best out of each other." Paolo said sheepishly, looking down to his feet.

Daan lifted his chin with the tip of his finger to look into his eyes, brushing their nose together.

"I guess we do, baby, we really do." He close the gap between them again with a smearing kiss and Paolo let Daan engulfed him in his strong arms as he melted into his embrace more and more feeling like he finally find the missing piece of his heart.

The end.

I hope you enjoy the impromptu ficlet. Sorry for the error in my words. 🤣 this is like lightning speed quick. Thank you for the idea though probably next time we can elaborate it more.

(Or anyone who wants to add more? We welcome it ☺️❤)

[bisexualballum]

23 Ballum - We bet and you lost, you have to do it.

Okay so this is set in May when Eurovision should have happened, and since ee universe got corona way later than irl pls humour me in pretending they had eurovion this year too jdsbifuisdbu

------------------------------

“Cal, c’mon be reasonable about this” Ben pleaded, looking up at his boyfriend with the most convincing puppy eyes he could muster.

Unfortunately, it seemed like they weren't enough, as Callum just laughed at him and said “we bet and you lost, you have to do it!”

Groaning, Ben got up from the couch, shoving Jay for cackling at him as he stood. He was sitting in between the couch arm and Lola, the both of them loose and giggly from the bottle of wine they shared.

“You lost fair and square daddy!” Lexi said from her position on Callum’s lap, looking five minutes away from sleep, her head nestled firmly into Callum’s shoulder. Ben almost cracked a smile at the sight.

They had been watching the Eurovision together and had let Lexi watch the whole thing live for the first time. She had fallen in love with it after finding clips of past performances on youtube and demanded to watch it for the entire week prior. Lola was against it at first but had eventually warmed up after Lexi performed Toy for her, all the way down to messy space buns she did herself.

Ben had adored Eurovision when he was younger. He and Kathy would dance around the room with each other to every single song. Even Phil put it on every year, albeit at the insistence of Sharon when they were together, but he still bobbed his head along with the music.

Callum, to Ben’s utter dismay, had never watched Eurovision, and even had to be reminded of what it was when Ben mentioned that Lexi was going to watch it that year. He had told ben that Jonno never liked it and that the last time Callum saw it was when he was 10 and Jonno told him to “put that gay shit off!”

After taking a moment to reel in his anger towards Callum’s dad, Ben told him he’d make his first night of Eurovision his best one ever. They had gone to the store together, getting Callum’s favourite snacks, his favourite drinks, and even novelty Eurovision crowns for everyone. It had been shaping up to be the best Eurovision of Ben’s life.

Well, until The Bet had happened.

See, when Ben was younger he and Kathy would bet on what country they thought was going to win, and since Ben had been young it had always been for sweets rather than money. This year Ben proposed to do the same, but Lexi, being far more cunning than her Dad at her age (Ben swore she got it from Lola), decided she wanted the loser to suffer a forfeit. An embarrassingly public forfeit.

She’d decided that the loser would have to go outside and scream “I am an idiot who has terrible taste in music!” to the entire square. A year ago Ben would have never accepted those terms, too concerned about his reputation, but that year he had been wedged in between his boyfriend and his two best friends, had already had a few beers, and thought ‘why not?’

Thinking back Ben wishes he could go back in time and tell his past self exactly why not.

“Yeah Ben, fair and square” Callum, his traitorous boyfriend said. They had meant to be a team together, taking whatever winnings or losings as a couple, but the minute Lexi asked for Callum to switch sides he had left Ben immediately. At the time it had been heartwarming, now Ben was considering making Callum sleep on the couch out of principle.

“Oh fuck off, you were meant to be on my team” Ben whined, barely registering Lola’s half-hearted “language!”

Arms huffily crossed, he made his way out of the house and on to the square and took a deep breath in. Just before he could say anything however he heard footsteps walking up behind him from the house.

Ben felt a touch on his lower back before he saw Callum come into view and say “someone wanted to make sure you actually went through with it” shaking a tired Lexi’s hand from where she was standing next to Callum. Despite the fact he was meant to be mad at the both of him Ben melted at the sight. It never failed to warm his heart seeing Callum and Lexi get on so well.

Lexi reached for Ben, and he immediately hauled her up and into his arms.

“Tired, princess?” He asked, nudging her cheek with his finger before she planted her head firmly into the side of his neck. She nodded and clung closer to him.

“Okay, well, do you want to help me with this forfeit quickly, and then we’ll put you to bed?”

She giggled quietly and said “but only the losers are meant to do the forfeit”

Ben laughed, and locked eyes with Callum, who was also amused.

“I know, darling, but could you help your dad out just this once?”

She stayed quiet for a moment as if thinking through her answer, before saying “okay, just for you” and Ben’s heart promptly grew two sizes.

“Alright” Ben whispered “on the count of three, one, two, three!” and on Ben’s count they both screamed the words as loud as they could, Ben sprinting back inside as soon as they were done, causing Lexi to shriek with excitement.

“Oi! Wait for me!” Callum called behind them.

“Hurry up then!” Ben called from the door, pretending to close it shut to tease Callum, making Lexi laugh harder.

Once Callum made it back inside he said “bet everyone in the vic heard you two” and ruffled Lexi’s loose hair gently.

“Do you really think we were that loud Cal?” Lexi asked, grinning wide, and looking as though she had won Eurovision instead of Iceland.

“Oh I know so��� Callum grinned back, before dropping a kiss to the side of Ben’s head and saying “gonna go help Lola and Jay clear up” and heading back through to the living room.

Ben hiked Lexi further up his hip and asked her “did you have fun tonight princess?”

“Yeah! I can’t wait until next year” Lexi replied, before leaning her head back onto Ben’s shoulder and tightening her hold on his neck.

“Okay, let's get you upstairs then,” Ben said, before heading towards the stairs.

------------------------------

Anyways I stay being terrible and endings, but i hope you liked this anon! I love eurovision and I wish ee would mention it more bjdkbjsfjdb

[aprilskyforever]

Henny ranks Eurovision 2021: 1st edition, March 21st

aaaaadn we’re BACK! all songs have been out for about a week (well, still waiting for the set me free revamp so it’s the previous version i’ve ranked here) and i’ve had some time to think so let’s gooooo! also, i gotta say, with so many returning artists this year you can’t help but comparing last years to this. so... that’ll happen a lot.

category: hits the right spot

1 Malta - all of my love wasn’t really my thing last year but this? this is SO my jam! maybe not so much the attitude in the prechorus (the hell no i don’t want your money part), and the brass drop, but the beat in the verses? and the chorus melody (the baby it’s not a maybe part)? boy!!! i love it!!!! and this was a song i just yelled out YESSS to when i heard it the first time so i feel that means something 2 Sweden - a very worthy winner of melfest, he’s a great vocalist, he’s cute, and the song is one i’m yet to grow tired of despite it being on the radio 24/7. it happens so rarely that my personal winner actually wins melfest, and i really want us to get that silver medal... please 3 Switzerland - the only reason i don’t want this to win is because it has too much of a similar vibe as arcade and i don’t want that vibe to win twice in a row. otherwise it’s perfect 4 San Marino - finally san marino does somehting right!! i love it. plain and simple.  5 Norway - it’s looking like andreas haukeland is becoming my crush of the season because BOY i am WEAK for this guy. can’t resist him. nor the song 6 Russia - manizha has got the be the coolest woman this year. i’m in awe. i’m playing this on repeat 7 Iceland - i wasn’t super into this at a first listen but i’ve totally warmed up to this and along with russia it’s one of the songs i’ve streamed the most the last couple of days. daði really knows how to make a beat!

category: enjoying it for sure

8 Bulgaria - victoria was my winner last year but this song doesn’t hit just as right. i still like it, feels like a closing kind of song. like the last dance of the night 9 Lithuania - again, a downgrade from last year, but still really good 10 Moldova - i love the studio of this so much (i mean hello it sounds like something maruv would do how can i not like it) but the video makes me worried, can natalia dance? how about dance and sing at the same time? i really feel like she will be the weakest link in this package... and she really does feel like kirkorov’s puppet. which leaves a sour aftertaste 11 Italy - something different for italy!! love that. and i love them, måneskin. the song though... i’m eating it but it’s not my favourite meal you know? 12 Latvia - samanta does more or less the same song as last year but in her case it definitely works. it feels like her brand you know? she owns this  13 Netherlands - jeangu on the other hand is switching it up and i am HERE for it! lovely vibe. lovely aesthetic in the video 14 Germany - this is fun! i know it’s a water devider, you either love it or hate it, and i loved it initially but have cooled down a bit now. but it’s uplifting for me. i love what he’s got going on

category: it’s nice but something’s off

15 France - see this is beautiful, but it’s the ending that throws me off. it gets so... ridiculously french, in a way? do you get what i mean then 16 United Kingdom - fun! i’ll bop to it. but it’s like a chewing gum that loses flavour too quickly. i love that he’s doing something differently but honestly, i preferred his 2020 entry 17 Czech Republic - has a nice groove! i like this better than kemama but it actually feels kinda same as with the uk. 18 Ukraine - i preferred the pre-revamp but hey, it’s still miles better than last year for me personally so that’s a win 19 Slovenia - the way i felt at a first listen is what i imagine the jury felt for tamara todevska in 2019. it’s impactful for sure. but the lyrics!! not that i have a problem with the church but this is... idk a bit much. i like it as a whole but i’ll have no problem letting it go if it fails to qualify  20 Ireland - idk if it’s the production but whyyyy do lesley’s vocals sound so weird!! i definitely liked story of my life way more 21 Croatia - actually nothing’s really “off” about this it’s just a bit uninteresting 22 Azerbaijan - efendi is doing the same song again basically but this year it doesn’t hit right at all. to me it feels like it lacks personality. like, is this the only thing she can do? who is she actually? this just feels like a typical azeri approach to esc; ordering a song from swedish songwriters (which idek if they’ve done this year but it feels like it) and given it to some singer with no regard of if this is their usual style. idkkkk like i bop to it but it feels wrong at the same time 23 Belgium - it’s the chorus. i don’t like it. i like the rest. that’s all 24 Georgia - it’s cozy but too slowwwww. takes too long to get somewhere. perfect for a lazy summer day in a hammock but on the eurovision stage? oh i’m just not too sure

category: *shrug* it’s nice i guess?

25 Finland - i love that finland loves it but this just isn’t really for me 26 Romania - nahhh idk 27 Spain - cute i guess? i don’t have much to say 28 Cyprus - idk but this provokes me. it’s good but it’s bad. you know? the random spanish lyrics... or let’s be real the lyrics in general... and the melody sounding like walmart bad romance.. nope 29 Australia - i think montaigne’s style just isn’t for me 30 Austria - it’s alright! but not as powerful as i think he wants it to be 31 Albania - this is just very cookie-cutter albanian ballad with a screaming woman and it’s getting old

category: it’s a no from me

32 Greece - i’m so sorry but this is so forgettable i’ve heard this multiple times and i could only sing back like one or two lines to you 33 Denmark - the europals in the servers are eating this for some reason and i am just not seeing the appeal. props for sending something in danish though. sweden could learn a thing or two 34 Israel - hmm no this is just. boring 35 Serbia - i just can’t get around to this. i can enjoy slutpop but it’s gotta be good slutpop then 36 North Macedonia - the fact that i felt “ohh no no noooo” when i first heard it... yikes. i WILL applaud that vasil does something that feels more right for HIM though. it’s just not for me 37 Portugal - i don’t care that portugal doesn’t sing in portuguese but myyy this is boring 38 Estonia - /: 39 Poland - tvp’s poster boy... i read in the comments of his song that “this is not poland’s representative, this is tvp’s” or something like that and honestly. i felt that 

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 13/02/2021 (Digga D, AJ Tracey, Cardi B)

It’s not as big of a week as it is just a confusing one, so there’s no pre-amble. Olivia Rodrigo spends a fifth week at #1 with “drivers license” and let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

I started writing this a bit later than usual so I just want to rush through most of what’s here. The songs dropping out of the UK Top 75 are either debuts from not long ago like “Notorious” by Bugzy Malone featuring Chip and “Lo Vas A Olvidar” by Billie Eilish and ROSALÍA, or songs that have been here for a while, like “Monster”  by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper and “Dynamite” by BTS. We even have some #1 hits dropping out of the Top 75 this week, like “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion and “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. In terms of fallers, we have, seemingly, some of the older Winter cuts being replaced, as we see “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix getting a harsh streaming cut down to #30,  “Whoopty” by CJ down to #33, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa and remixed by DaBaby down to #34 (although this could rebound given the album release), “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #37, “SO DONE” by The Kid YAOI at #57, “All I Want” by Olivia Rodrigo at #61, “Looking for Me” by Diplo, Paul Woodford and Kareen Lomax at #62, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur at #63, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #64, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo at #65, “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #68, “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi at #72 and “Golden” by Harry Styles at #73, as well as some more recent debuts, including the entirety of Fredo’s album impact from last week, as “Money Talks” with Dave is at #11, “Ready” with Summer Walker at #31 and “Burner on Deck” with Young Adz and the late Pop Smoke at #32. “Skin” by Sabrina Carpenter and “Apricots”  by Bicep aren’t faring that well either, at #51 and #56 respectively. When I said these songs are being replaced, I wasn’t overestimating anything as we have our new crop of hits seemingly all surging, as “Martin & Gina” by Polo G is at #54, “Be the One” by Rudimental, MORGAN, TIKE and Digga D is at #49, “Best Friend” by Saweetie featuring Doja Cat is at #42, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max is at #35, “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Nuka is at #27, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals is at #24, “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S is at #23 (it’s honestly starting to grow on me), and “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd is somehow back up to #20. Speaking of the top 20, we also have “Friday” by Riton, Nightcrawlers and Musafa & Hypeman dopamine re-editing itself up to #16, “Save Your Tears” also by the Weeknd at #15, and two new top 10 hits, both songs with basically the same chart run and genre. “Goosebumps” by Travis Scott, remixed by HVME, remixed by Travis Scott is at #10, becoming HVME’s first and Travis’ fourth top 10 hit here in Britain. We also have “The Business” by Tiesto grooving up to #7, becoming Tiesto’s fourth top 10 hit. I honestly feel bad for the still completely uncredited vocalist. We also have a third new top 10 entry but that’s a debut that we can discuss later. I should also note that “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek is back at #74, and a winning Eurovision song, “Arcade”, by Dutch singer Duncan Lawrence is also back at #39 off of the back of some TikTok traction. I think this is the most streamed Eurovision now – I’d watch out for this being a big hit. Welp, time to get into our really, and I mean REALLY, varied and weird crop of new arrivals, starting with...

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Roadtrip” – Dream and PmBata

Produced by Banrisk and Perish Beats

Okay, so this is a song by Minecraft YouTuber Dream, or at least that’s who I think he is. I think there was some kind of scandal related to him, and a couple people got involved and someone got doxed... listen, I don’t care. Not only is this song really not worthy of reviewing on the principle that unlike Wilbur Soot a couple weeks ago, Dream has never been a musician, which is clear from how involved no-name singer PmBata was in this, but I care for my private information not being made public so... What ridiculous excuse do I have to not review this? Okay, 1997 reggae-rock classic “Doin’ Time” by Sublime returns to #75 after Boris Johnson made a TikTok in the Houses of Parliament where he says “Pogchamp, Brexiteers, I just got tested for COVID-19” with the song in the background, and Joe Biden is on a Zoom call with him a few seconds later visibly annoyed because he prefers the New Radicals. Sure, let’s go with that. What was this entry about again?

#71 – “Goodbye” – Imanbek and Goodboys

Produced by Joris Mur, Imanbek and Goodboys

Everyone’s favourite Kazakh house producer Imanbek is finally back on the charts with his collaboration with British pop trio Goodboys, who you may know from their carbon-copy hits made with MEDUZA. After listening to that EP he made with Rita Ora, I’m slightly less impressed with Imanbek’s production, but that EP’s impact, if any, will be seen when the lead single featuring David Guetta and Gunna debuts low next week. Yes, seriously, all four on the same track. Anyway, this song, “Goodbye”, is actually pretty okay, with a generic deep house groove and fake hand-clap effectively saved by the Goodboys’ really intriguing vocal delivery and processing, which ends up in a Travis Scott-like Auto-Tune harmony that’s honestly pretty endearing right before the anti-climactic slap-house drop. The song’s lyrical content probably isn’t worth talking about, but it’s about a generic struggle with a break-up, and how hard it is for one of these good boys to say good bye. The build-up with the pre-chorus before the blue-balls second drop is kind of genius, and that’s probably my favourite part of the song outside of the abrupt vocaloid drop at the end. For what it’s worth, it takes more risks than most of these house-pop songs, most notably by having only a single verse in the middle of the song, and being really short, clocking in at less than two and a half minutes. It’s not as infectious as “Piece of Your Heart”, but this is fine. I’m glad it’s here if it’s going to give Imanbek another non-Rita Ora-assisted hit.

#60 – “Little Bit of Love” – Tom Grennan

Produced by Jamie Scott, LOSTBOY and Daniel Bryer

Tom Grennan is an English singer-songwriter who released their debut record in 2016 and was crowned by the BBC as the “Sound of 2017”, before dropping off the face of the Earth. He was brought to fame by a guest feature on a Chase & Status song that didn’t even do that well and now he’s back with the lead single from his upcoming sophomore effort, and his highest ever charting song. Well, is it any good? I mean, I like OneRepublic too. The rising strings here in the intro and chorus are pretty cool, and I’ll give it to Grennan for having an interesting voice but the odd level of grit in it does not fit well for this plastic production, which quickly devolves into vaguely danceable synth-mess that’s just not interesting. The content is mostly about unconditional love, particularly one that feels not particularly reciprocated, although some of the detail in the second verse feels like it’s going somewhere. I’ll admit, the chorus is catchy, but this mix puts way too much emphasis on a flawed vocal take from Grennan, which really detracts from the pathetic excuse for a bridge. I do enjoy how this feels like a flash-back to the mid-2010s, where happier, synth-based pop was this prominent, and I do love how the strings come back in the outro, but good production can’t do much to save a song that just feels under-cooked and definitely under-written. The OneRepublic comparison feels particularly fitting here too because their stuff tends to be just as stagnant, not to mention the lyrical riffs off of “Counting Stars”. I mean, when you start your first verse – in the first 10 or so seconds of the track – with the most recognisable part of a very recognisable song, I think Ryan Tedder deserves at least some royalties.

#58 – “Astronaut in the Ocean” – Masked Wolf

Produced by Tyron Hapi

Masked Wolf is an Australian singer and this song is actually from June 2019, just gaining enough traction, presumably off of TikTok, to debut on the charts this week. The song got a 2021 reissue and I assume a remix and, well... for God’s sake. The Kid LAROI should not have been an entry point for Australian trap, because outside of a second or two of distortion in the intro, this is far from unique. It has a guitar-based trap instrumental with dark 808s that even Gunna would pass up on, and an Auto-Tuned delivery from Masked Wolf, clearly trying too hard to replicate Drake in the intro and bridge, Kid Cudi in the chorus, G-Eazy in the first verse, Eminem AND Kendrick on the second verse, to the point where he even directly references Kendrick Lamar’s much better music. He suffers from the same problems as all of these artists combined, with lyrics that seem like they’re building up off of something interesting about depression before going into aimless flexing like a mid-tier Kid Cudi track, flows that sound as meandering and checked-out as Drake’s, the failed attempt at some kind of white-boy swagger that G-Eazy hasn’t pulled off successfully since 2016, the substance-less content hidden behind fast flows from Eminem and... oh, my God, this guy’s just like Australian Logic. I don’t like American Logic, why do we need this guy too? Yeah, this is bad, and there’s not much worth nitpicking in this mix or even the lyrics to even point out. I guess the worst bar is when he says he believes in G-O-D but not a T-H-O-T. So he’s a slut-shaming NF now? Jesus Christ, I’d take a full album from The Kid LAROI over this.

So the next two songs are ones I’ll actually need to somewhat lump together, as they are consecutive on the chart and both from the same album, and the same washed-up band.

#53 – “Waiting on a War” – Foo Fighters

Produced by Greg Kurstin

We have two songs from Dave Grohl and friends here from their latest album, Medicine at Midnight, technically three if we count the entire top 100, which means, yes, the UK just had a Foo Fighters album bomb. I’ll focus on the album as a whole with the next song because this is easily the worse track here and the worst track on the album purely out of how misguided it is. Dave Grohl wrote this song because he felt inspired by the current hell-scape of the political climate, reminding him of his own youth when he was surrounded by rising Cold War tensions. His young daughter asked him if there was going to be a war and naturally this song came out of it, reflecting on the fears he and his daughter have and that everyone deserves a future and a lifetime not taken away from them by conflict and fear. This is a good song idea but it absolutely does not work, and that’s partially down to the production. When I first heard this track on the album, I genuinely grimaced at the vocoder-mumble that Grohl takes on against the scratchy acoustic guitars. The whole point of the instrumentation is that it builds tension with rising strings, multi-tracked acoustics and eventually some electric guitars and powerful drums, yet because of how slow-paced the song is, it fails to mirror the rising tension of the prospect of there being a war. Instead, it’s a slog and its pay-off by the end feels unwarranted in the most boring way. Sure, the squeals of the guitars in the back of the mix sound good, but surely a song like this should not end like any of the Foo Fighters’ other pop-rock anthems, especially not as abruptly as it does. Wouldn’t you want a more subdued outro to comfort your daughter’s fears that at least right now, everything’s okay? That would make the most sense to me, but that’s thrown out of the window, with pathetic songwriting, with verses that play word association with the blandest of rhymes, seemingly irrelevant pop-song-generator filer and a chorus that is mind-numbingly repetitive but ultimately fails to build tension because of the content asking us to wait, constantly, even when it gets into its heavier rock tone. We’re supposed to wait for something that is only implied to never come, because there isn’t finality. Sure, that could work as a way of saying that Grohl is just as uncertain and scared as his daughter is about political conflict, but that would imply this song gives off any further emotion than the fact the Foo Fighters felt the need to cut a vaguely political track out of necessity. As a song, and as an album, Dave Grohl is utterly confused, and “Waiting on a War” is way too slow and non-specific to act as a protest song, as well as being way too on-the-nose for it to work as a ballad. Let’s talk about this next single.

#52 – “Making a Fire” – Foo Fighters

Produced by Greg Kurstin

What the hell is Greg Kurstin doing here? This is the first track on the album and is supposed to make some kind of gripping impact but is instead just a snoozefest. The choral female vocals sound bored, but at least it’s not as strained as the struggling Dave Grohl trying and failing to yelp over a stiff groove which has its momentum killed by drumming too slow and mixed too oddly to make this pre-chorus even coherent, not helped by Grohl’s butt-rock delivery and non-descript lyrics. There could be a guitar solo here, to make this track feel memorable, but no, it’s hidden under a pre-chorus with an extended gospel bridge that doesn’t build up effectively to a chorus that just comes crashing in and hence has no effect. Maybe I just can’t listen to arena  rock in a quarantine context, but I can’t even imagine this making much of a fuss in a packed stadium without desperately needing tweaks in the songwriting and especially the production, because this just sounds stunted. It’s telling that Grohl made his best tracks as the Foo Fighters on his own and those first two records, alongside a pretty decent 2014 comeback in the form of Sonic Highways, are still great. I’m not denying that Grohl can write a good song, or that the Food Figures can’t play, because they’re all talented guys. This is just one album in many that leaves me with the feeling that these guys just can’t do much more outside of their comfort zone than fail miserably. These songs won’t stick around, and thank God for that.

#50 – “Believe Me” – Navos

Produced by Tom Demac and Navos

Another week, another... okay, but we already had a generic pop-infused deep house track from a couple EDM randos, do we really need another? Okay, well, this one is even less interesting than Imanbek’s effort as it doesn’t even try for a verse, instead going for a deep house groove I’ve heard countless times before, drowned out by some square synths and, yes, you guessed it, 90s piano loops and an uncredited female vocalist repeating basically the same couple lines over and over. This is made for the clubs, but I feel like even regular club-goers would tire of this vocaloid drop and cloudy production two minutes in. There’s nothing worth discussing here, because this probably took as many minutes to make as it did to listen to. I have no idea why Navos debuts a song so high, but I’ve got to assume TikTok’s to blame. Apparently this guy makes tech house, where’d any of that skill or intrigue go here?

#21 – “Up” – Cardi B

Produced by Sean Island, DJ SwanQo and Yung Dza

Anyone else surprised at how such a big name gets production from people I’ve never heard of before? Not that it matters, it’s just odd. Anyways, this is Cardi’s new single, presumably from that ever-elusive second album, debuting around 20 spots lower than it will in the US, and it’s going for a more gangsta-rap content than the hyper-sexual “WAP”, but does she keep the same energy? Well, yes... in fact, after all the mediocrity, I’m glad to have a genuinely great song debut this week. This is a great, bass-heavy beat that gives a Memphis phonk feel in the dark keys as well as the hard-hitting 808s and spacey percs and sound effects that add some needed distortion, even if there’s going to be some brief clipping along the way. Cardi brings some necessary energy from the brilliant opening lyrics and continues with a fast-paced, chanting flow that accentuates some of her funnier lyrics with her charisma that she always brings to a trap track like this. I’d say that this is maybe too repetitive – with very little of the verses to speak of – or even somewhat derivative of her previous song, “Money”, but there’s a lot better lyrical content in this one, not to mention how well she complements a more straight-forward but still killer beat. Oh, yeah, and Cardi’s stacks are Shaq-height as she dismisses haters with an impressive level of swagger and confidence, that carries the refrain, but that’s not to say the lyrics aren’t really great in the verses. There’s genuinely funny and sexy wordplay here, especially in the second verse, and also some great liners: “hoes speakin’ cap-anese”, accusing her haters of having pink-eye and their breath smelling like “horse sex”. This is a short, probably underdeveloped song, but it’s the type of surreal, high-energy trap I kind of really love and I hope this sticks around further in the UK.

#19 – “Latest Trends” – A1 x J1

Produced by ShoBeatz

A1 x J1 are a British rap duo with no other songs. Yeah, something’s fishy here: this is their only song on Spotify that blew up from a 15-second clip on TikTok, and their Spotify bio is trying to decide whether they’re the next D-Block Europe or the Beatles, as well as really emphasising how the song grew “all organically”, even though they’re already signed to Universal... yeah, there’s nothing subtle here, so I won’t buy this TikTok fame schtick, but does it matter when the song is good? Well, not really, and honestly, I’m kind of into this guitar-based drill-R&B fusion in the beat, but it doesn’t really help the fact that J1’s Stormzy impression is janky and unconvincing, especially if he’s going to try for some shallow wordplay, and that A1’s Auto-Tuned croon is just boring, reminding me a lot of A Boogie wit da Hoodie, but with a less recognisable voice and delivery, even if the first verse contains a funny line about a woman making that ass clap “for the NHS”, although he totally took that from Swarmz anyway. Yeah, I’m not a fan of this fake attempt at an organic pop-drill crossover, but unfortunately, I can very much see this working, though I’d be happy if the British public will see through this dishonesty as soon as possible.

#5 – “Bringing it Back” – Digga D and AJ Tracey

Produced by TheElements and AoD

Now for a rap duo that makes more sense to debut this high and are actually, you know, separately successful rappers, therefore they debut in the top five, which is impressive. The whole concept of this song is that Digga D and AJ Tracey are using old flows, those that would be nostalgic to their deeper fan base, to spit bars on a new track called, fittingly “Bringing it Back”. The flow AJ Tracey brings back is from his overlong “Packages” freestyle, a five-minute track from 2016, that works more as a freestyle than it does as a song, where he uses a familiar UK drill flow to go off for a really long time, and, yes, it is pretty impressive but the flow becomes stale too quickly. Digga D uses his flow from his “Next Up?” freestyle from 2017, a similarly badly-mixed UK drill freestyle but with a much more palatable length. Digga D’s flow he uses in that track is arguably slicker but honestly one that I see used a lot in UK drill and by Digga D, so I’m not sure it’s not worth “bringing it back” when you could come up with a new, catchier flow. I’ll admit that “Bringing it Back”, however, is a pretty damn good song, with Digga D’s more technical and fluid flow allowing for a lot more intricate internal rhymes that sound really great over the triumphant, string-heavy drill beat, as he trades bars with AJ Tracey’s slower but more confident, laid-back flow, which allows him to spit some more specific, interesting bars, some of which really hit, like when he says he “locked up the food for the kids like Boris and then I let it go like Rashford”. Hey, I respect it, I haven’t heard a more clever way of intertwining political commentary with cocaine smuggling since Pusha T last released a record. The way AJ Tracey and Digga D play off of each other’s lines is really smooth, and especially how Digga D plays with the beat, as while his lyrics may be less interesting, they mash perfectly with the beat’s frantic fades in and out, especially in his last lines before the first chorus, where he asks for the track to literally be turned off... and it is. So, yeah, I’m pretty damn happy with this debuting so high off the energy alone, even if Digga D is going to pronounce “LOL” like a one-syllable word. I’d say this is actually a really good starting point for people who want to get into more UK drill because it has a lot of the grit and menace of the genre in a more accessible, catchy form, even if it may run a bit too long for my taste.

Conclusion

Wow, what a weird, weird week... and a lot of it was straight garbage. I’m giving Best of the Week to “Up” by Cardi B, with an Honourable Mention to Digga D and AJ Tracey for “Bringing it Back”, though Worst of the Week is pretty much a toss-up. I’ll give it to the Foo Fighters for “Waiting on a War”, with a Dishonourable Mention tied between “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf and “Believe Me” by Navos for just both being worthless. Anyways, here’s our top 10:

The UK Singles Chart is honestly kind of chaotic right now – even more so than usual – and I don’t see that changing. Even if I don’t like all of the songs, it’s at least compelling. Anyways, thank you for reading and you can follow me @cactusinthebank on Twitter if you want. I can’t really make any predictions for next week other than Taylor Swift re-recording her own music and I guess some impact from Rita Ora and Imanbek, or hopefully, slowthai. Regardless of what happens, I’ll see you next week!

[eurosong]

My ESC ‘20 ranking

Good morning folks, on this rather melancholy “Eurovision day.” Whilst this year may be cancelled and its songs pretty callously binned by the EBU, 2020 was a diverse year that deserves taking a close look at too, so here goes my customary full ranking of the year. I express some candid opinions, but they are just my take on things, no shade intended if you disagree.

41. Estonia - What love is It’s always most difficult to pick a last place because, no matter how sleek Eurovision gets, there are still a few abject horrors that sneak into the contest. With a score that would have been dated 30 years back, and lyrics that manage the peculiar double act of being both pompous and anodyne, this is horrid enough before Uku’s dubious xenophobic comments and his prevailing over a field of much more compelling songs get taken into account.

40. Macedonia - You The Macedonians, having achieved their best result ever last year (I’m happy for them, but also, Kaliopi deserved that), decided that they soared too close to the sun with Proud and decided to crash land this year to build their energy to soar again. That’s the only reasonable explanation I have for this effort which deeply repels me, doubling down on Luca Hänni’s “cocky guy in a sleazy bar” æsthetics and adds to it even worse lyrics, castrato singing and the unintended levity of the interpreter being far more interested in the bartender. Also one of a maddening number of duplicate titles that were nowhere near as good as the originals.

39. Cyprus - Running What is this void in the space of a song? I’ve listened to it dozens of times to do ratings over the past months. I’m still left with an icy emptiness because it does nothing to me, says nothing to me. The only thing that I can say in its favour is that it’s not a replay of replay aka Fuego 3. That’s it. It’s like it’s designed to leave little impression and hope to cruise by on diaspora and friendly votes alone.

38. Austria - Alive Austria have been on an interesting Eurovision journey, going from winning with Conchita to serving up this chirpy homophobe doing his best impression of Timberlake. A monumental step back from the singular tenderness of Pænda.

37. France - Mon alliée (The best in me) La déception de l’année sans doute. France, one of Europe’s cultural powerhouses, really said “forget Destination Eurovision, which showcased our music scene’s diversity and was one of the fandom’s favourite newer NFs. Let’s abolish it all and bring in the guys who made Bigger than us, because we really want a piece of that Big 5 bottom place action! Let’s throw away our cultural caché and get something about as French as flatpack furniture!”

This is like going to a pricey restaurant in Paris, expecting haute cuisine and instead getting some microwave-reheated IKEA köttbullar. And can we talk about how Amir of J’ai cherché fame is partly to “thank” for this in one of the biggest heel turns of the year? It’s like he wanted to ensure that France TV beg him to return by safeguarding his excellent score from being equalled. I also have to say, Tom Leeb seems like a nice guy with a good voice. He did his best to salvage this with the acoustic version, which lifts it up a few places. But not so many given that that Westlife reject b-side ending with a key change remains.

36. Germany - Violent thing Speaking of major cultural players dumping their national finals for no good reason, guten Tag, Deutschland! Germany once had one of the best and certainly most diverse NFs going. Instead of dumping Barbara Schönenberger as hostess - every year she’s presented, Germany have had calamity, and the one year they did well, 2018, she wasn’t host - they decided to pin all their hopes on a bewildered looking gossoon from Slovenia with yet another Timberclone song and some rather dubious live vox. As his countrywoman Lea Sirk said, it’s a hvala ne from me.

35. Spain - Universo Yes, it’s another year of the Big 5 not living up to its automatic qualification rights (except you, Italy, thank you for being the exception to the rule.) So here we’ve got a bland effort from Spain to avoid being bottom 5, except that ain’t how ESC works - you need something to get people to waste their money on voting for your song. And for me, this surely is not it. This was a bit higher on my ranking before because there are more objectively objectionable songs out there. But the nonsensical, repetitive lyrics, the painful attempt at a high note on perdónameeee, and getting stuck on a bus where I had to put up said screeching being played 5+ times means #35 is about right for where it deserves.

34. Armenia - Chains on you Armenia, usually a reliable mainstay in the top half of my listings at least, instead served up one of the most bewilderingly impalatable NFs of the season where every song sounded imported from the ESC anni horribili of the 00s. This has grown on me a little bit - I like tin drums and I like her weird accent - but the lyrics are amongst the year’s most pitiful (“ya wanna take me to a party, because you’re naughty”) and it just feels cheep to me. 33. Bulgaria - Tears getting sober I don’t see the appeal in this bewildering merger of dirge and Disney, and this is coming from someone who likes melancholic music more times than not. I find this one straight up unpleasant to listen to. The lyrics are of someone passive-aggressively glorying in the pain they wallow in to return the hurt, in “look how much you’re making me hurt myself” style. The syrupy score replete with key change is a bizarre, ghoulish accompaniment. Only this high because I recognise some artistic merit in its production.

32. Azerbaijan - Cleopatra Are Azerbaijan now at the stage where they’ve decided to pastiche themselves? The country with the worst LGBT rights of all contesting ESC having the monumental neck to send a song about “gay or straight or in between”? The country who have almost religiously avoided sending anything with any actual Azeri national character or heritage sending a song written by a Canadian, an American and a Frisian about a Greek-Egyptian ruler with a Japanese mantra and Latin affectations, so sending us around the world to pretty much everywhere except Azerbaijan? What can I say in favour of it? It’s a little bit catchy. So are venereal diseases.

31. Poland - Empires How can a country who started their ESC journey with aplomb - and experimental gems like Sama and Chcę znać swój grzech - and who continue to serve in the junior contest, how can they be so almost studiedly bland in ESC these days? This is our 564th knockoff Bond tune, sung a little awkwardly and with lyrics written by a Year 8 who’s been given a creätive writing assignment where they have to use metaphors. “We’re gasoline and a match!” Wow. If it passed to the final, it would only because of loyal Poles abroad.

30. Greece - Superg!rl We leave the territory of complete dirges and enter that of songs I can sort of live with. This one’s a huge step back for the Hellenes though after the gorgeous Better love. Its odd chorus is memorable, but not for the best reasons. Its saving grace is its unintentionally humorous promotional video. A better use of those superpowers would have been to come up with a better song.

29. Moldova - Prison Remember the fun Moldova that used to bring songs like Hora din Moldova and Lautar, with some actual national flavour and flair? That’s long gone. Even the Moldova that brought terrible songs but fun stagings, like that of My lucky day, seems far lost into the fogs of time too. Another wholly unremarkable and mediocre production of the Scream Team that would be lucky to scrape into the finals.  28. Belgium - Release me Has Belgium learnt absolutely nothing in the years Blanche where the wheels of their ESC renaissance have fallen decidedly off? My feeling is no. I have to salute them to some degree for creating nice, very musical compositions, but just like in the past two years, they have forgotten to add a few key elements: some sense of progression or dynamism. This plods along repetitively on one track, one note, and that note is nice enough as background music, but my hunch is that track would have led them to another unsurprising “surprise” NQ.

27. Serbia - Hasta la vista It’s an earworm, but some earworms leave you wanting to get an aural exorcism. Somehow, some sort of collective insanity overcame Serbia and they decided to dump on their beautiful oeuvre of songs, go completely against their trend for qualitative, classical, brooding, orchestral music by instead picking a bunch of time travellers who had been a third rate girl band in Transnistria. How enough Serbians thought they’d win over Europe by going for a sound that was dated even when they made their début bemuses me. 26. UK - My last breath The UK are really soaring high in my rankings as... the last amongst the 26 songs that would make up my notional perfect final. Baby steps. I still think it’s pretty lame how the BBC tanked their own national final for this. It’s not so adventurous. It has so little to say that it’s half a minute shorter than the ESC standard and yet still consists of repetition. It has one of the most annoying chorus quirks with that beat in “my last... breath.” How did this get up this high again?

25. Albania - Fall from the sky It absolutely pains my heart to put Albania out of the top 20 after two thunderous years in which they captured my gold and bronze respectively. What makes it worse is that they could have had a perfect hat-trick, because the original, Albanian language version “Shaj” was my #1 song from December up until mid-March when they released this thin gruel of a revamp with all the things that gave Shaj some authenticity and flavour gone, and with beautiful, heart-rending lyrics replaced with cliché. Only this high because there are plenty of worse songs.

24. Czechia - Kemama I have a soft spot for poor Benny, the interpreter of this song. Ok, so it beat a field containing some vastly superior songs, but it’s nice to have a Czech song without weird lyrics about women for the first time in a while, and the way the kid was put through the ringer for his more Afrobeat-influenced revamp made me sad. For me, it gained a bit of flavour with that change. The lyrics are still poor but I like the colourful musical backdrop.

23. Israël - Feker libi 🇮🇱 Sometimes, you don’t think much of a song but the artist elevates it enormously. Such is the case with Feker libi, a bizarre pot pourri of styles with a very discordant tropical verse (which I like), mid-90s dance track chorus (which I don’t), middle eastern post-chorus and African-sounding outro (jury’s out on both.) Yet Eden Alene is so full of natural charm and exudes “I want to be your friend” that I can’t help but rewatch just because of how joyous she makes it.

22. San Marino - Freaky 🇸🇲 Speaking of atypical countries flying high in my ranking, all was set for San Marrano to take non-pride of place at the bottom of my ranks yet again, but somehow, I ended up quite enjoying their track this year. Yes, San Marino is still a weird zone where, when you descend to Rimini in Italy, you enter the new millennium, but returning up the tiny nation’s steep slopes, you head back to a time in the 70s when disko was king. This disco is fun though. In part thanks to Senhit, a sympathetic performer who deserved more in 2011, in part the lyrics - who doesn’t want to rip up the rules, write new ones and then destroy them too?

22. Switzerland - Répondez-moi It’s nice to have the Swiss singing in a national language for the first time in ages. It’s also nice that they didn’t fall back on their success with Hänni by going with a similar so-called bOp. I also really love some of the artist’s other tracks, like Babi. And I liked this a fair bit more upon first listen, but the combination of less than stellar lyrics - just a succession of somewhat emoïsh rhetorical questions; just because they’re in French, doesn’t make them deep - and a wailing falsetto have made my will to relisten to this often take a serious hit for me. A shame, as musically, it has some undoubted quality. 20. Denmark - Yes 🇩🇰 Denmark seems to be doubling down on 2019 to develop its new niche - catchy, sweet but ultimately a little overly gooey love songs. There’s always something a little bit imperfect about them though: last year it was Leonora’s serial killer-esque nervous gaze; this year, it’s the “I’m not going to even try to make pretend we’re an item” lack of energy from Tan. It’s a little bit too reheated “Little talks” but it’s decent enough.

19. Russia - Uno 🇷🇺 When this first was released, days after the deadline for submitting songs, I was pretty peeved at what seemed like a pisstake against the contest, a bizarre rehash of Aqua for the meme age. And yet.. maybe it’s the quarantine slowly driving me insane, maybe it’s the sheer infectiousness of this that just makes you want to dance, maybe it’s the epic energy of the backing singer (Rosa from Brooklyn 99’s twin) who looks like she wants to kill everyone else... but I’ve actually grown to like this enough to put it top 20. I’m not always entirely predictable!

18. Norway - Attention 🇳🇴 There’s a lot of things that tick my yes boxes with this song, like the beautiful orchestral music laid out by the famed Mørland or the simple but sincere performance. There are also things that take a Sharpie and scrawl in my no boxes too, like the somewhat whiny tone of the vocals or the adolescent and lyrics which, with their “oy’d change anyffink abaat moyself fur a boi” tone, don’t flatter the singer, and from Mørland, I expect better. There’s more good than bad here though, and it has been an earworm since the day it was selected.

17. Belarus - Da widna 🇧🇾 I don’t know what was in the water this year, but we got a bunch of great Slavic language songs, including from countries that don’t typically send songs except in English. I like the chilled out vibe and the curious lyrics. Their live version for Eurovision Home Concerts with just an acoustic guitar sounded a whole lot better, I must say.

16. Australia - Don’t break me 🇦🇺 I’m finally overcoming the horror of the bizarre clown mise-en-scène complete with ropey lyrics at Australia decides and judging this on its potential. Hands down Australia’s best entry at the contest for me. Musically, it’s strong, and lyrically, it’s compelling and very saudadic. I’m sad we won’t see what a glow-up their final staging could have provided. I really hope it wouldn’t have involved clowns, which seriously tanked the song in my ranking for months, no joke.

15. Portugal - Medo de sentir 🇵🇹 A Portuguese entry outside of my top ten? Given their form with me since 2015, this might seem like a harbinger of the apocalypse. I still like it quite a bit, but there are stronger songs this time. It’s heartfelt, the lyrics are powerful (about being afraid to feel again after being hurt) and the melody is pretty. The live was a bit cagey especially because of the not particularly well synchronised voices of Elisa and the pianist, who composed the song. Still a very nice song and it is great to see Portugal staying faithful to its language, but I can’t help but feel sad that songs more in line with its riskier, more trailblazing previous few years. Passe-partout or Gerbera amarela do sul would have been in my top 3 like last year.

14. Latvia - Still breathing 🇱🇻 If you told me in January that not only would this song not be disliked, it’d also end up in my top 15 of the year, I’m sure incredulous laughter would have been the most polite response you’d have probably gotten. And yet - the song I couldn’t stand in Supernova has won me over and I do want to see Samanta Tina return for 2021 since she evidently cares so deeply about ESC so is pretty much one of us. I’ve come to love the weirdness of the track - real meat and gravy given the number of anodyne tracks - the iconic pre-corona hygienic leitmotif of its staging. ST’s joie de vivre and command of the stage. It’d be a guilty pleasure except I don’t feel guilty for it.

13. Georgia - Take me as I am 🇬🇪 Georgia once again are dancing to the beats of their very anarchic drummer and I love them for that. This thinly veiled swipe at both the Big 5 coasting in mediocrity and at narrow-minded fans’ reäctions to Georgia’s extremely varied oeuvre just hits the spot for me. I love the musicality of it, the dark electro-rock vibes, Tornike’s voice and how it blends perfectly with his captivating backing singers. I always vote with my feet for something different in an era where people are aiming to qualify with safe and bland rather than taking risks.

12. Romania - Alcohol you 🇷🇴 Roxen provided one of the most iconic moments of the season by deliberately tanking the ordained bop amongst her national final songs. Her eventual song is one of the most emotional of the year, and also one of the most surprisingly literary: there are tonnes of nuances, allusions, wordplays and so forth in this text, most of which are a lot more graceful than the titular terrible pun. I humbly put it to folk who thinks that this romanticises alcohol that they are missing the point - it’s instead being used as a metaphor for toxic relations which, by the end of the song, Roxen has broken away from. I love her voice, I love the music. It fell briefly out of my affections because of the weird mini-revamp, but it’s risen again.

11. Ukraine - Solowej 🇺🇦 It’s fabulous to see Ukraine singing a song entirely in their language and I hope this trend continues across the Slavic nations like was notable this year. The timeless folksy elements mixing with modern beats makes a curious and entrancing blend, delivered with aplomb. It takes where Poland 2019 went wrong and puts it right. I could have done without the unnecessary revamp, but it’s still one of the year’s freshest cuts. Well done, Widbir!

10. Slovenia - Voda 🇸🇮 In an age where the likes of Albania is stripping away all the beautiful orchestral flourishes of its entry to make a pared and muted revamp, Slovenia went full throttle in the opposite - and in my mind, right - direction and made one of the very few good revamps of the season. Performing with the Budapest philharmonic orchestra, Ana Soklič, who, for my money, has one of the best female voices of the year, unleashed the cinematic, sweeping beauty of Voda. I think this would have surprised many people by doing quite well. On musical and vocal merit alone, and adding to that the subdued saudade of its lyrics, it deserved a lot more love.

09 Malta - All of my love 🇲🇹 In 2018, I would have sooner said that it was more probable for me to have become Grand-Duke of Luxembourg than it was for me to have loved a Maltese song, let alone two i n a r o w. I didn’t expect much of this at all, because I expected we’d get a wailing vocal exhibition, as Ian used to say, focused on exhibiting Destiny’s range rather than giving her a genuinely good song. But this is a genuinely good song. Once again, I love for the gospel edge it has, and Destiny’s vocals soar to impressive heights, without feeling unnatural or ostentatious. I should have known to expect good things with the regal Cesár Sampson on board.

08 Lithuania - On fire 🇱🇹 Prior to this year, few people had any hopes for Lithuania’s long-winded national final selection process. The idea of it being must-watch viewing when there were many other more compelling choices on offer was hilarious. In 2020, that changed. They changed the name to the hilarious but hopeful “Let’s try again”, had a number of fantastic songs, and became one of the most diverse and qualitative highlights of the NF season. The eventual winners, The Roop, deserved the accolade with this cool, super contemporary track with a brilliant dance routine and a genuinely important message about not giving up on yourself.

07. Sweden - Move 🇸🇪 At MF this year, the Swedes put a match to its protracted ‘cocky fuckboi with polished, soulless overproduced pop song’ era, hopefully for good, with an all-female top 4. I will always lament Dotter missing out narrowly, but I’ve still been brought plenty of joy by the radiant Mamas with their fabulous hand-choreography and genuine warmth, and this song of resilience through the tough times. I love gospel-tinged music and this really makes me smile.

06 Ireland - The story of my life 🇮🇪 Before this was announced, I heard Ireland’s track being compared to the oeuvre of pretty much every major 00s female pop star. I was quizzical, but upon hearing it, could see why. In a year with a lot of beige, this is just one big orange and yellow blast of colourful late 90s/early 00s nostalgia, hope, resilience. The kind of anthem I never knew I needed but came right on time. I can’t listen to its wry, conversational lyrics without wanting to dance along. And Lesley Roy herself is an icon. My favourite effort from Ireland since Playing by numbers, and I really hope she returns in 2021.

05 Finland - Looking back 🇫🇮 I’ll never forget a mural in the part of València where I used to live that said “we’re not different for the sake of being different”, and that could sum up my attitudes to Eurovision. Whilst it seemed almost everyone was behind Cicciolina in Finland, I had scant hope for my favourite, and was blown away when it actually did win. This melancholy meditation on the passing of time and people - “we never know what we have until it’s over and we’re looking back” - became emblematic of this year for me and added to what was already a really poignant and moving track. I love the musical style too and the smoothness of Aksel’s voice and how it contrasts with his evident awkward shyness. It has moved me so much that it had to end up top 5.

04 Croatia - Divlji vjetre 🇭🇷 I always will represent and bring love for the Balkans and their adhesion to their musical traditions. This was one of the most pleasant surprises of the NF season for me - I was expecting very little from Croatia, and instead, it greeted me with this beauty. You have the understated classic grace of the music, the exquisite melancholy and poeticism of the lyrics, and one of the finest male vocals of the season. My favourite Croatian track in almost 15 years.

03 Italy - Fai rumore 🇮🇹 Sanremo isn’t just a national final, it’s a cultural experience that digs into your heart over the course of a whole week. This was one of the most memorable I have followed yet - and what a truly deserving winner. It’s just another example of the seemingly endless supply of heartfelt tunes by classy, sincere performers that Italy has on tap, with one of the best lyrics of the contest and the extra level of poignancy from how the lyrical theme of isolation would come to represent us all.

02 Iceland - Think about things 🇮🇸 One of my nerviest and happiest moments of the entire NF season was seeing Daði Freyr and friends win Söngvakeppnin in Iceland. As much as I loved Svala’s Paper, I had also adored his song three years prior - the delightfully awkward and similarly irrepressably earwormy Is this love. And now he was back with a groovy, fun, heartwarming tune about fatherhood that has only continued to grow in my estimations. The bridge still full on gives me goosebumps. It’s the kind of song that just makes me marvel at being human and being on this earth.

01 Netherlands - Grow 🇳🇱 My top few songs are all very closely entwined so much so that they could be considered joint winners, but I’ve been pretty unequivocal ever since Shaj got torpedoed by its revampire: silver turned to gold and my previous 2nd place, Grow, became my new favourite. I love the heartfelt, sparsely poëtic, bravely confessional lyrics. I love the way that it goes from something minimalist and intimate with just organ and voice and slowly builds upon the hints of gospel to something truly anthemic. Such a meticulous arrangement where there’s not a single sound out of place. This song is pure art and, like Soldi, Mall, APD and all those preceding songs which had the magic of being my personal favourite, it moves me upon every listen.