#you ever just have someone exist in the paracosm of your brain for like always all the time

[logre-the-whirlwind]

Happy 10 Year Anniversary to the US release of Etrian Odyssey 4

It is hard to believe I've had brain worms for The Bastard Of All Time and have been writing, drawing, owning a blog dedicated to and continuously thinking about him for a whole decade

Just wanna say that this game means way more to me than I can really express and I'm happy for all the friends it has led me to make

Here's to another ten years of unhealthy obsession being a normal dedicated fan to my favorite game and continuing to enjoy the series

[eldritchsurveys]

oo5.

Have you ever been served breakfast in bed? >> Maybe once or twice? A long time ago? What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? >> I make a point of avoiding challenges in cooking, unfortunately. I’m really averse to fucking up food, for multiple reasons. I’ll get over myself eventually, but it’s just not a priority right now.

Are you one to approach others, or let them approach you first? >> I mean, in what sense... What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? >> Well, my paracosm at that time was a city called Jacana Heights, and Eden Long and I would perform in movies for the entertainment of the populace (I think they like, thrived on it... like, in a sustenance sense? I’m not sure of the logistics because I didn’t think that deeply about the worldbuilding of things back then). So I did that a lot. Here on Earth, I kind of just... cut out clothes for paper dolls for hours at a time, built things with building sets, played with my dog, and later on, played computer games. Are holidays as fun for you now as they were when you were younger? >> I didn’t get any holiday experiences at all as a child, except for when I was thirteen and then it was actually horrible lmao, so actually... I have a lot more fun with holidays now.

Do you find non-fiction to be boring? >> Nah, unless it’s a subject I literally don’t care anything about. Like... Republicans.  Are you a punctual person? Or are you always late? >> I’m not always anything. Do you own a thesaurus? Do you actually use it? >> Nah, Google is my thesaurus. What is the longest essay or research paper you have written? >> Ten pages about Jim Morrison in junior year. Do you ever write your own short stories? >> Hell yeah. Sometimes I even still do. Have you ever been close to drowning? >> Twice. Have you ever had a panic attack? >> Yes. Do you find it easy to relate to other people? >> It gets a little easier as time goes on, and as I meet more people. But I think it’s part of the human condition to always feel a little set apart. I just try not to give that feeling too much credit, because it doesn’t exactly know what it’s talking about. Are you ashamed to leave the house when not looking your best? >> No. Are you modest? >> Nah, not really. Do you ever worry about your loved ones dying? >> Not especially. Like, I don’t actively worry about it, since grief doesn’t particularly frighten me as much as other things do. That doesn’t mean I’m like “oh cool whatevs” at the idea of people I love dying or anything, it’s just... not a worry. Do you watch any Japanese anime? >> I’m coming around to it. I was talking to someone on Discord and they mentioned that it seemed like the older a Western person is when they’re introduced to anime, the more time they have acclimating to the differences from Western media. So really, I’m not alone in how much I struggled to like, connect with anime the way people who have grown up with it do. I was out here thinking there was something wrong with my brain meats because no one had ever presented it that way to me. Damn. Anyway, the ones I’ve liked so far are Kill La Kill, Ouran High School Host Club, Mahoutsukai no Yome, Kuroshitsuji, Puella Magi Madoka Magica (is that even the right order lmao), and... yeah, I guess Axis Powers Hetalia, although overall I connected to the fandom more than the anime itself. Is there a foreign culture you are interested in learning more about? >> You damn right. Do you have your own laptop computer? >> I have two. Will this week be a good one? >> I mean, it’s a week. I suppose it’s all right, as far as weeks go. Who is the last person that texted you? >> Sparrow. When is the next time you work? >> I don’t. Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? >> It’s an undershirt, I have no idea. What are you going to do next? >> I’m not sure. Maybe another survey, maybe I’ll go back to my dashboard, maybe I’ll randomly start breakdancing, who the fuck knows. Do you currently have feelings for anybody? >> Sure. Do you enjoy eating veggies? >> Very much. Do you know the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian? >> Yes. Who did you text most today? >> I didn’t text anyone. Do you have a reason to frown right now? >> Sure, I suppose. I have reasons to do any facial expression at any given time, because like... life be like that. What brand is your straightener? >> --- Do you own any Converse? >> Nope, they hurt my feet and fuck up my gait because of my pronounced arches. Are you wearing socks? >> Nope. Do you enjoy long car rides? >> I enjoy a lot of things about long car rides. The freedom of the open road is one of those “quintessential American(tm) things” that I actually deeply understand and yearn for. I enjoy being in cars, probably because I spent so much of my childhood around them and in them. I like talking to the people I’m in the car with -- a lot of good conversations are likely to happen during car rides, especially on highways, because there’s not a whole lot of distractions, just you all and the road. However, I don’t like being stuck in the car for hours at a time without a chance to stretch my body, and sleeping in the car is a fuck. So, you know. Downsides. What’s the last thing you drank? >> Water. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? >> Hallie, online, and Can Calah, here. Are you one of those people who are always cold? >> No, I get hot much quicker than I get cold. Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you? >> No. Do you paint your nails? >> Occasionally. Do you like doing laundry? 
 >> I mean, more than other chores, sure. There aren’t a lot of steps, it doesn’t involve icky things, and it’s not very time- or energy-consuming (the machines do most of the work). How about the dishes? >> Eh. I prefer doing the dishes in a sink with a window over it... anyway, we use the dishwasher. Do you even like doing housework? >> No. That’s probably really clear, lmao. Don’t you hate being blamed on? >> Of course. Do you even care about politics? >> Not the bits that don’t immediately affect me. Have you ever met anyone famous? >> Yeah, I met... multiple musicians, and Criss Angel once. And Julianne Moore! I keep forgetting about her. Do you check your email everyday? >> The Gmail Checker app in my browser alerts me whenever there’s new email, so I just... rely on that. Do you have a membership to the gym? >> I do, and I really need to fucking terminate it, but the legal bullshit is so overwhelming (gyms can be really fucking cagey and I wish I’d known that before I gave them my fucking bank account information to open a membership) that I never do it. Ugh. Do you tan? >> No. What is your natural hair color? >> Dark brown. Is it that right now? >> Yep. Do you prefer guys with dark hair or light hair? >> I can’t be bothered to care. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? >> Valentine’s Day. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? >> Yes. Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? >> No. Would you ever get implants? >> Probably not, unless it was subdermals. Have you ever dated someone of another race? >> Obviously. What did you drink at the last party you went to?: >> What was the last party I went to... Does the last person you text messaged have any tattoos or piercings?: >> Tattoos, yeah. Someone asks if you’re okay, but you’re not. Do you tell them the truth?: >> Depends on who’s asking. If it’s some person on the internet that I don’t really talk to, then they don’t get those kinds of details. Do you know anyone whose birthday is today?: >> No. How did you meet the last male you text messaged?: >> --- Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before?: >> Chicago in general. Last person to text you? >> Sparrow. Are you mad at anyone right now? >> No. How do you feel about your hair right now? >> It’s there. Being hair.  Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants? >> I think these are considered sweatpants. What are you doing tomorrow? >> I don’t know, chillin, I guess. Is your hair up or down right now? >> It’s not anything. Do you know how to play poker? >> I’ve forgotten by now. Have you ever had an ear infection? >> Nope. What’s your favourite thing to order when you get Chinese food? >> I like chicken satay and lo mein or like... I don’t know, something with a lot of crunchy vegetables. And seafood. What did you have for breakfast this morning? >> The first meal I ate was the veggie burger. Are your nails painted a dark or light color? >> No. What color was the last fish you had? >> Like... as a pet? I’ve never had one. Have you ever read in the bathtub? >> No. Have you ever put ice cubes in milk? >> No. What do you use to remove your makeup at night? >> If I happened to be wearing makeup at some point, I’d use Burt’s Bees face cleaner wipes to remove it. Do you use the Facebook chat often? >> Nope. Do you have any baby pictures of yourself on your computer? >> Digital photos didn’t exist when I was born, and I’ve never scanned any physical ones. Do you eat onion rings? >> Rarely. When did you last go to the zoo? >> I don’t remember. It was probably the ElectriCritters thing with Hallie. I really don’t go to the zoo that often, lmao. How many cardigans do you own? >> Two. One has a big skull on the back and the other one’s a Slytherin cardigan. Do you own a robe? >> Yeah, it’s a Ravenclaw one. (I’m a Slytherclaw, lol.) Music is playing right now, isn’t it? >> It was, but I paused it to listen to the rain. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? >> No. What kind of shampoo do you use? Does it smell amazing? >> I use conditioner sometimes, and it smells like peppermint, so yeah, amazing. Have you ever buried a time capsule with a friend? Did you dig it up yet? >> No. How many pairs of shoes do you have? Are they under your bed? >> Two, not counting rain and snow boots, and no, they’re by the apartment door. Have you ever had to be put to sleep at a hospital? Why? >> I misunderstood that for a second because “put to sleep” is what people say about euthanising animals, lol. I was like, “uh, I’m pretty sure no one’s killed me at the hospital, brah” and then I realised. No, I’ve never been given general anaesthesia, but I have been sedated. When are you planning on moving out of your parents’ house? >> I did that already. Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off?
 >> I don’t eat it, usually. What was the last song you listened to? >> I don’t remember now, but False King by Two Steps From Hell is playing. What is your favorite lunch meat? >> I like chicken breast or turkey on a sandwich. Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? >> Can Calah doesn’t have a phone. He doesn’t need one. Who was the last person you texted? >> Sparrow. Do you have any sisters? >> Yeah, two. Do you have to watch yourself in the mirror while you brush your teeth? >> Yeah, because like... I drool toothpaste everywhere when I’m brushing my teeth, lmao. So I gotta pay attention. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? >> No one. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? >> Yes. Does everyone deserve a second chance? >> Sure, even if it’s not necessarily from me. I don’t believe in condemning anyone. 

[autisticworlds]

its embarrassing that all of my neuronarrative experiences are primarily about romantic relationships. like my paracosm is rich and detailed, with a long history and plenty of opportunity for exportation, and theres a bigger story arc than the romantic stuff, but really, my relationships with my paras are at the heart of it, and its not even like i dont have that out here bc i do, idk why im like this but i suspect its a fictive thing, like the love of my human partners just isnt enough (1/2)

“2/2 when i could have deep connections with people without the culture clash and with more common ground. but like. its still embarrassing, it feels so silly and self indulgent to always need a romantic partner for it to be compelling”

I don’t think it is silly at all. I think there is actually no fundamental difference in romantic feelings for a real person and romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t exist in our physical universe. I wrote a whole article about that, you can read it here: http://autisticworlds.tumblr.com/post/150160413375/traveling-and-relationships - basically there is no such thing as a not real emotion because all emotions come from brain activity and biochemistry and it doesn’t matter what caused that activity, it still feels real because it is real.

And as someone who values love and affection immensely (even though I am not very romantic in a traditional sense, I experience a lot of romantic attraction), I think it is actually beautiful. It is beautiful that our brains are capable of such intense feelings and can simulate a physical experience inside our own heads. I have never dated anyone in real life but I have loved, many times, and it made a lasting impact on my personality and it is a major part of my experience. And I don’t think it is self-indulgent at all.

I have been in love with one particular person for almost five years. Let’s be honest, many real marriages don’t last that long! Five years is a long time and many things have happened in that time in my chosen world. We have been friends, and then we fell in love with each other, and we didn’t know about that and were afraid to tell that, and then that other person did and I was not sure if I should be in that relationships, but I agreed and we have been together ever since.

It wasn’t always good. There were couple very serious fights when we almost broke up. There were times when I was so angry and frustrated and hurt. There were times when it was more difficult than fun. For a significant amount of time it wasn’t very healthy and rather co-dependent. I had a lot of doubts and insecurities. There were many, many nights when I would cry because I love them so much and I couldn’t see them being hurt (which happens quite a lot). Really, often enough intense love hurts a lot, but it’s a good kind of hurt, and you wouldn’t change it for the world.

That’s not self-indulgent. That’s realistic. It has all the elements real relationships have and I experienced all those elements. It was not a sugary fantasy from start to finish. It was complex and bitter-sweet and pretty damn amazing. And it continues to be so. It is more than a simple daydream. It is a huge part of my neuronarrative experience - all the people I loved, romantically or not.

As for societal expectations… unrequited love is a very common part of human experience. Most people who experience romantic attraction had an unrequited crush, and some had been in love and their feelings weren’t returned. And it is not considered embarrassing and self-indulgent - it is considered sad but beautiful, almost poetic.

Many works of art were devoted to unrequited love or heartbreak. People sympathize with it, people consider it good even when it isn’t, and justify many things with it. Just think about Severus Snape from Harry Potter and how many people consider him a good person despite his abusive behavior because of his love for Lilly. It’s because they understand that unrequited love is still love and can feel just as intense even if you will never get a real life interaction with the object of your desires.

So why is neuronarrative relationships any different? If somebody was still in love with their partner even many years after they broke up with them and refused to date again people wouldn’t judge, they would understand. If somebody was in love with someone who can never return their feelings but still waited patiently and hoped, ignoring all other potential romantic partners, people wouldn’t judge, they would understand.

And if I’m in love with someone who doesn’t exist in this physical world but I am happy and not actively looking for a real life partner by being on ten different dating sites and going on blind dates, why should people judge me? If you have healthy romantic relationships with people you know in your neuronarrative worlds and that’s all you need, why should people judge you? How are we any different from people in the above examples?

So in conclusion I think our feelings are valid, our experiences are valid, our daydreaming is not embarrassing and we deserve as much respect and understanding as people who experience unrequited love. It was no my choice to fall in love with that person. It’s happened to me, and I am happy it did. And I will not allow the society to take that happiness away from me, because no-one can.

Maybe other people are lucky enough to find someone in real life who likes them and who they like and have relationships there are satisfied with. I’m not, I’ve never had that experience in the real world. So at least let me have my personal universes, and let me dream. Cause that’s what matters to me, and I also don’t deserve happiness. And so do you.